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She wiped off her mascara using the make up remover Scootie had loaned her and she tried, for the 18th time that day, to refrain from screaming. She would have only had to refrain from doing so 17 times if it weren’t for the Doctor following her into their allocated bunk room and apparently settling in for the night. She was sort of hoping he wouldn’t; she’d spent the day so far trying to keep it together, both for her own sake and for his, but she could really do with a good old cry.
She heard him kick off his converse and take off his jacket, climbing into one of the bunks behind her. She turned around, chucking the wipe in the bin and slipped her own jacket off. They were silent, not saying a word to each other. The last time they’d spoken was less than 5 minutes ago when Zach had notified the Doctor of a napping Rose at the canteen table and he’d ushered for her to come to bed. Before then? The last time they’d spoken alone, just the two of them, was him very not-at-all-subtly dodging the bullet of discussing them. What had she been thinking? She knew how conversations with the Doctor about their relationship went, and she knew that even any intake of breath before any mention of the concept sent him running to the nearest escape point, which just so happened here to be a black hole. God she didn’t want him here right now, the last thing she’d want on top of a surreptitious private crying session was an awkward silence with someone she’d dared suggest they get a house together - which, come on, they already did for Christ’s sake!- and who’d shut her down completely.
When she turned to face the bunks, she saw he’d climbed into the bottom one and she grunted; she hated sleeping on the top. It couldn’t get any worse.
“Bold of you to assume I’d want the top bunk.”
“I was hoping you wouldn’t.”
She stared back at him, confused, until she finally caught up to what he meant — he was hoping she’d want the bottom bunk with him. A truce, or perhaps an apology for making things awkward earlier. She rolled her eyes and grinned in defeat when he wiggled his eyebrows at her, shifting up to the wall so she could scuttle in besides him.
Neither had got into bed, of course; they were both sitting atop it mostly dressed exactly as they were 4 minutes ago, save a suit jacket and pink coat. But still, she felt oddly exposed when the bare skin of her arms touched his shirt, prompting little goosebumps to surface. He shifted a little more to fold his arms and it was a punch to the gut when it broke their contact. She felt another wave of rejection.
“It’s not as bad as it looks,” he offered.
“We’re sleeping under a black hole tonight, Doctor, I think we can drop the pretence now and say it most definitely is as bad as it looks.”
“Good point.” He sniffed, and tugged at his ear. “If it’s any consolation though — at least if we’re sleeping we won’t feel ourselves getting sucked into our demise.”
“Well, that’s something.”
“Gotta think on the bright side.”
“Are you lying to me right now to make me feel better?”
“Ok fine. We might feel it.”
She couldn’t quite bring herself to laugh, so instead, she crossed her own arms and shivered. “What would we feel though, Doctor? I mean, what’d happen if we were to fall into a black hole?”
“I don’t think it would do either of us any good if I told you that.”
“Reassuring as always, thank you.”
“Anytime.”
It was quite cold in this room and she wished more than anything for her cosy jumper. Well, his cosy jumper, the last one he’d ever worn that she’d nicked shortly after he’d regenerated. She felt as far away from cosy as she could feel. Besides the obvious, she had no change of underwear, her period was due in a couple of days but she certainly had no tampons on her and she was going to have to sleep in her jeans, now that the Doctor had decided to join her for slumber and she couldn't sleep naked as planned.
“Today would have been a really good day for you to show me that other planet suspended under a black hole where they only wore pyjamas. I bloody hate sleeping in jeans and a bra.”
“Yes, focus on that — the main terror of this entire situation being that you have to sleep in jeans and a bra.”
“I’m surprised you’re even here now anyway, to be honest. You were getting into a pretty technical and complicated debate with Danny. Thought I might have lost you to him for good.”
He sniffed again. “He fancies you.”
She slapped his arm. “He does not!”
“He does! He told me! Asked if you were single and everything.”
“Really?” She feigned temptation and considered for a moment. She shrugged. “He’s cute. What d’you tell him?”
He shook his head. ““Sorry mate, she’s mine. Better luck next time”.”
Rose threw her arm over her face and gasped dramatically. “The worst wingman.”
“I marry you off to Danny then I’m, what, shuttled away to a planet all by myself? No more of your insults? No more mockery?" — he paused, thinking — "Actually, that doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.”
She poked his ribs. “Again, with the reassurance. Can’t fault you on your bedside manner as a doctor.”
She slid down the bed, but still not getting under the covers just yet. She was a little too scared to, if she were being honest, because it meant she’d have to go to sleep and she wasn’t sure if she’d get the chance to wake up. That hole. It was so massive, she felt it right above her and it was petrifying. She shuddered.
The Doctor began to slip down the bed to join her. She took a deep breath in the hopes of calming herself but it ended up coming out terribly shaky and, much to her horror, inspired a small whimper. She laughed apologetically and turned to face him to make a joke, but he was looking back at her with such concern that a joke seemed out of place given the atmosphere.
His nose was not too far off her own and she found herself struggling to breathe, suddenly feeling even more trapped than she’d felt at the darkest hours of this day. To make things worse, he took her hand and kissed her knuckles, brushing his thumb across hers. Surely he must be able to sense how close she was to falling apart and that this wasn’t doing her any good? She wanted nothing more than to yank her hand away to get some space from this overwhelming anxiety that had come out of nowhere coursing through her blood.
And, of course, he did sense it. He swapped his hands around so that hers lay now in his other hand, freeing one up to reach out and brush his fingers against her cheek. She closed her eyes nervously and her breathing was getting shallower by the second. Not helping, she thought to herself. But he was so calm, his hand was so steady and his breathing so controlled that she eventually let herself relax into him. They spent a few more moments in silence, a much nicer one than when they’d first entered this room before he finally broke it.
“Don’t you start panicking ‘cos then I’ll start panicking.”
Whatever tension remained in her body escaped with a laugh. She opened her eyes to look at him and he was there, just as he always was, looking back at her and keeping her grounded when she was frightened.
“You are useless when you panic.”
“Oh, terribly useless! Rose panics? She pulls herself together right away. Tells herself she won’t stand for that nonsense. But when I panic?” He caught her eye before his thoughts drifted him elsewhere. Wherever they took him, he was there for a few moments before he continued. “Well, I suppose I can’t remember a time I did since I met you. Keep me together as well, you do.”
She pulled her hand out from his hold to take it in hers. He put his other hand on top of hers, and she put her other hand on top of his again, now holding onto each other with all they had.
“Can we just, for 15 seconds, be honest with each other? Because I’m terrified, Doctor. Absolutely scared to my bones. I don’t know what’s going to happen, there’s something so bloody terrible about this planet that a block hole spits it out and I’m just so scared.”
“I know,” he whispered gently and wrapped his arm around her waist to pull her closer to him, a manoeuvre made easier by her need to be closer to him. It all happened so quickly, though, that she couldn’t remember how exactly it had, but the next second she was nestled into him so tightly she wondered how it was possible there could be so much room left in a single bunk bed shared by two people.
“We'll stick together though, you and me. Yeah?” she asked nervously.
“Rose, I was joking when I said I’d marry you off to Danny.”
“I’m serious!”
“So am I! It just baffles me that you even need to ask that question. Like I’d ever not need you with me.”
Her brow furrowed and she buried her head into his chest even further, and in return, he tightened his hold on her even more. It was near impossible how close they were, how hard they were fighting the laws of physics to be as much one single unit as possible. He’d never said anything like this to her before, never admitted any sort of need for her in any way. Especially after earlier, when he’d made her feel like he absolutely didn’t need her and in fact didn’t even see them still together in the future at all. He was being so calm and almost blasé about how he was acting right now, how he was openly showing her how much he needed her, that it was a little unnerving.
Perhaps it was that anxiety that was giving her the confidence to talk without considering the consequences, but she pressed on. “How in the world are you being so calm? I can’t feel you scared in any way. How?”
He hesitated and took a moment to answer. “Rose, I’m bloody terrified too. From now on, let’s both agree it is as bad as it looks and we’re terrified. But you looked after me today when I freaked out over losing the TARDIS, and you’re the only thing that stopped me from chucking myself into that black hole out of despair. You kept yourself so damn calm throughout these last few hours and I know it was for me, so don’t tell me it wasn’t. It’s my turn to look after you now. So laugh with me, get angry at me, tell me to leave you alone or cry into my chest if it makes you feel better. Just lean on me whichever way you need, let me keep strong for you while you panic because that's how we work, you and me. We’re there for each other. You’ve got my back and I promise I will always have yours.”
She supposed that’s what did it, what finally pushed her over the edge and made the tears come. Just a few small ones she thought she could easily conceal, except she felt him press a gentle kiss into her hair that told her he could feel them. It’s like he was giving her a free pass to need him and have him comfort her however she wanted, that he was happy to just hold her and stroke her arm and press little kisses to her head if she that’s what she asked of him right now. If probed, she probably wouldn’t have chosen to start crying quite ludicrously into his shirt, and she would normally apologise out of embarrassment except for the fact that she felt his encouragements; he wasn’t being awkward or acting in any otherwise Doctor-y way, he was simply rubbing her arm repetitively and stroking her hair soothingly.
“Just — just stay awake until I fall asleep, ok?”
He chucked and murmured an affirmative, his breath tickling her hairline. “‘Course. I’m not that tired, anyway.”
She closed her eyes and continued to feel his touch, allowing it to settle her. She wanted to cling on to consciousness as much as possible because she doubted there’d ever be a moment with him like this again, but she must not have been able to for that long, because she only felt his hand make a couple of trips up and down her arm before she’d drifted off to sleep.