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For as long as he could remember, Iwaizumi had always been his pillar. The one who holds him up, the one who keeps him on his feet. The one who keeps him sane. He wasn't a person who cried, but he also wasn't a person who genuinely smiled. Only some of that cheerful childishness was real. It was his personality but not always how he was really feeling.
Nationals. The place he had always dreamed of being. He was almost there. He was one game away!
"CHANCE BALL!"
The other team screams with passion and exhaustion from the other side of the court. The ball goes over his head. It's their ball, no matter what happens, if he doesn't get it back to his team, they lose. A risky shot but not impossible. His legs move before he has time to think about it. He could do it. He was the great king Oikawa after all.
He doesn't look back but he lifts his hand, index finger extended in the direction where he knew worried and scared eyes were staring wide at his back.
Iwa-chan. It has to be you.
As much as he liked Mad dog-chan, it had to be him. It couldn't be anyone else but Iwa-chan.
He turns on his feet and feels himself lift off the floor as if he's flying. As if he's flying above everything as the ball connects with his fingertips, flying across the court. It flies as he falls, collapsing into tables and chairs, but he doesn't have time to stay down.
He scrambles up to get back to his feet- back to the game. He falls forward onto his hands, but most of his weight lands on his right knee. He winces, but even a limp doesn't stop him from running back onto the court in just enough time to watch Iwa-chan spike the ball, slamming it down with all the passion and energy he had left.
And Karasuno received it.
What else could he possibly expect? What else could he expect to happen when he was playing against Hinata and his king? Could it be possible that somehow Kageyama had become a king powerful enough to look down on even him?
Could it?
Iwaizumi looks at him. He's never seen him with that look on his face. His expression doesn't say you better get it, Shittykawa! Like it usually does. Instead it's more like Get that ball, Oikawa. Please.
He couldn't ignore that kind of look. He straightens out his arms, his sweaty hands balled up together as he shuffles to the side to receive the spiked ball. His knee nearly gives out and he shuffles his stance as the ball connects with his forearms with a harsh sting that usually felt so satisfying. It bounces off. He doesn't even see as the ball goes over his shoulder because his head is down. This was impossible. This wasn't real.
The ball hitting the ground was real. The silence followed by cheers from the other side was real. The pure despair on everyone's faces was real. It was all too real. He lifted his head but no one else was looking up. Everyone else was looking off to the side or at the floor. Maybe it was the defeat or maybe it was disbelief.
They lost. They weren't going. It wouldn't matter if they did anyway, because it felt like he was going to collapse again. He hasn't wanted to go home this bad ever since he was a kid. When he was a kid it was embarrassment, when he was in middle school, his defeat turned to passion, but now as a high school senior, it all turned to shame as despair swallowed him whole, reality sinking in slowly. So slowly.
He wasn't going to nationals.
Kageyama was going to nationals.
Without him.
They weren't going to nationals…
"Oikawa, we have to go,"
Iwa-chan's voice startled him. He finally meets the eyes of his teammate. He looked a bit calm as usual. He wondered if he would last longer than he did.
-----
"Thank you all so much for the past three years!"
He's never heard words like these come out of his mouth in a long time. He hasn't felt big salty tears stream heavily down his face like this in a long time. He wants to look his teammates in the eyes, but his vision is too blurred by tears. He wants to put both feet on the floor and drop the crutches from damaging his knee when he landed on it to get up.
Before he knows it, everyone else is crying too. Everyone else feels it. The truth behind his words. His inability to even act like he can smile right now like he usually does. There's no victory peace sign. There's no smart yet stupid remark.
"I'm glad I got to play with all of you for so long. We won so many times! I'm sure...first years…" he glances at Kentaro, then back at the rest of the group. "...second years…get there without the rest of us! A team of six strong players is the strongest! So don't let me down okay?!"
"Yes, Captain!"
Everyone's voices broke and trembled. His grip on his crutches ceases, but there's no time to collapse because arms are already holding him.
"Iwa-chan…"
"I'm going to take you home. Nice speech, but...I know you're not saying everything you want to…"
"You're so smart, Iwa-chan…"
Another pair of arms wrap around him from behind.
"You're such an annoying person, but you put up with me and I got to play! I hit a ball with my left hand and shocked the fuck out of that damned crowd because of you!"
"Mad dog-chan…?"
More arms, more faces, more people.
"Mattsun, Makki.." finally he manages to crack a smile. "Kunimi, Kindaichi…" he says his teammate's names one by one, feeling the sadness welling up inside him once again. He didn't want to leave. He never wanted to leave…
-----
"You're a bad liar," Iwaizumi muttered bluntly. Oikawa puffs out his cheeks.
"Uwaa, so blunt, Iwa-chan!" He whines. Rather than walking with his crutches, Iwa-chan had slipped his arm beneath his armpits and held onto him while Iwa carried his crutches.
"I'm not mean, it's true."
"It's not true! It's just bad to you because you're used to it!" The brunette argues back. The ace rolls his eyes. Toru simply frowns.
"So what is it, then?"
"What's what?"
"What are you all depressed about?" His friend continues to question him as he opens the door. They headed up to Iwaizumi's bedroom. He winced as Hajime tossed his crutches and their bags to the floor and shut the door. They both sit on the edge of the bed and for a moment it's in silence.
"I'm not depressed about anything," Toru argued back. Iwa-chan just narrowed his eyes at him. He sighs. He's been caught.
"We could've won…"
"Duh," the response wasn't what he expected, but he chooses to ignore that fact.
"I mean...if I didn't fuck my knee up when I fell, then I could've received it! It would've gone back to you, you could've spiked it, you could've gotten us the point if it wasn't for me!"
"Do you hear yourself right now? I could have spiked it! I could've gotten it by their stupid receivers, but their damn captain got it! It's not your fault so shut up already! It's not gonna make it any better! We can't change it now!"
"I wish I could!"
"Well you can't!"
Iwaizumi inhaled sharply when he didn't get a response. Oikawa just kind of...stared at him. In shock or just... embarrassment of some sort. He looks down.
"Iwa-chan…"
"You're pathetic, Shittykawa…" Hajime relaxed, shifting back slightly, his fists gripping tightly to the sheets.
"I am…" he agrees quietly. Iwa-chan seems surprised that he agreed with him. His hand reaches over, resting on Toru's knee brace, his circle rubbing over it comfortingly in a way.
"I didn't mean it."
"You did."
"Why are you like this?"
"Like what?"
The brunette sighed heavily. It didn't seem like he was going to get anything even relatively useful out of him. Oikawa was playful and childish but reserved. He wasn't a good liar, but at the same time did it so well. He could fool everyone but his best friend. Iwaizumi wanted him to talk. To open up. He seemed so reserved despite his personality. It was sad honestly. To see him like this.
"You're such a child. No matter how many times I ask, you're just going to be stubborn for no reason! What reason do you have? What could make you want to hide everything from me? You call us best friend's but you don't act like it! What's with you?"
"Stop it! Just stop it, Iwa-chan, I don't want to hear it!" Toru extends his arms in a harsh motion, pushing against Iwaizumi's chest. "Just drop it, I don't wanna talk about it right now, Iwa-chan, you're just...pissing me off…" he shuffles to face forward instead, hiding his face in his hands with his elbows propped up on his knees.
"I'm pissing you off? You have no right to say that! You're the one being stubborn and not telling me what's wrong! If you tell me then I'll leave you alone. What, do you hate me or something?"
"No, I don't hate you, I hate myself so just leave me alone now, will you?" Toru's voice cracked in a way he never thought possible for him. Tears ran down his face just like earlier. He's never cried so much in a single day.
"Oikawa I didn't-"
"You did. You did mean it. And so did I. I hate myself. I have even more reason to after all this. We should've made it. It's my fault for not being good enough of a captain. Or maybe my failure was as a setter? I'm not sure. Because of Me, you and I...Mattsun and Makki...we won't get to go to nationals. We didn't achieve any of our goals. We didn't even beat Shiratorizawa...We did so much for nothing!" Toru cried.
"That's not true! We didn't do it for nothing!" Hajime shuffles off of the bed and onto his knees to sit in front of the other male, gently grabbing his wrists and moving his hands away from his face.
"Listen to me. You're going pro, right? Then it wasn't for nothing! You didn't do anything that isn't going to help you in the future. Just listen to me, will you?" He lifts his hands slowly away from his hands and up to cup his face instead.
"You'll accomplish something even better than high school nationals, okay? I can promise that."
"I promised we'd go to nationals-"
"Stop. Just- stop. Okay? Relax, no one is mad at you. We're a team. When you go pro, we'll be there. That I can promise. Do you understand, Shittykawa?"
There's a pause. Toru's eyes glisten with tears that had slowed their descent from his eyes.
"I just...wanted to..." He seems to struggle to find his words, but in any case, Hajime moves forward a bit, wrapping his arms around his neck and pulling him closer. He wished there was something he could do, but there wasn't much. Oikawa would just keep grieving in a way. He'd end up going every possible way he could have done better in his head until he ran out of possibilities.
Unfortunately, he'd have to let him go through that for a while. He'd recover eventually. He'd get what he wanted eventually. It'll just be further than he hoped.
"Can you look up at me, Oikawa?"
As asked, Toru lifts his head again, still slow. "What is it now, Iwa-chan? I don't want to talk anymore."
"You don't have to."
He presses his forehead lightly against Toru's, tilting his head slightly and connecting their lips. He expects Oikawa to pull away, but he doesn't. Instead he accepts it without protest. In fact he seems to like it.
After a moment, Iwaizumi pulls away and stands. Oikawa stands as well, but like before, his knee gives out and he has to catch him. This makes him tempted to hug him, but instead he just...looks at him. He would normally make some kind of joke about how pathetic he looks in his arms, hardly able to stay on his feet without his help. He doesn't, though. Instead he just laughs at him.
"Iwa-chan, that's not funny, I almost fell!"
"Well duh you moron, I know that. What is it you liked to call me?"
"Huh?" Toru meets his eyes, tilting his head a little. "What I called you?" He pauses, looking up as if searching his brain for the answer.
"You, to the team. What I am to you. For you. Or maybe it was just to me, it's hard to remember with you," Hajime shifts his hands beneath his armpits, wrapping his arms around him.
A lightbulb seems to go off in Toru's head. "Oh, my pillar!"
"Yeah, that. Why is that?"
"W-Well because you're always there to hold me up in so many different ways and- oh.." he grins, chuckling softly "Oh I get it. You're my pillar. So you caught me and held me up."
"You're a fucking idiot, Shittykawa," Iwa hugs him again, ruffling his hair with one hand. This time, Oikawa holds onto him and hugs him as if he would disappear if he let go.
"That's so mean, Iwa-chan!" Oikawa whines, leaning his head calmly against Iwaizumi's chest.
"No it wasn't, you're just pathetic. You and that sucky knee of yours. I just wanted to remind you of that, because…" he pauses, feeling the best creeping up his neck. ".... because I'll always be here to hold you up."
"You're such a sap, Iwa-chan!"
"Am not! Piss off, Toru!"
Oikawa gasps dramatically and pulls back, stumbling and flopping onto the bed. "Iwa-chaaaan, you called me by my first name! That means something, right? Oh come on, it's gotta mean something!"
"It does not!"
"Yes it does! It means you like me a lot! And not like a friend like! Like a like-like like!" Oikawa mused, seemingly unaware of how immature and dumb the statement sounded.
Hajime grunted "I don't like you that way."
"You kissed me, Iwa-chan!"
Oh right. That.
"Iwa-chan loooves me~!" Oikawa continues to tease, his expression sparkling like an excited child.
"I-I don't! There's no way I could love someone like you!"
The words leave his mouth before he could even think over them.
"Get out."
"Oikawa-"
"Get out, Iwa-chan!"
"Wait, hold on-"
Before he knows it, the team captain is on his feet, whimpering in pain and limping heavily as he shoves him out the door. Not just the bedroom but the front door, too. Oikawa's mother says something in worry but neither of them catch it.
"I changed my mind!" Toru hissed tears running down his face again, pushing Iwaizumi hard enough to make him stumble, his bag flying into his chest and knocking him to the ground before he could even catch his balance. Toru looks like a mess, sniffling and choking on sobs, "I do hate you! I hate me and I hate you!"
The door slams shut. Hajime is left stunned while Oikawa is still fuming. His tears would be boiling hot with the amount of red-hot anger radiating off of him. But it's not anger at Iwaizumi, at least not most of it. It's mostly anger at himself, wondering what he had to change. What could he change to make Iwa-chan love him? He already kissed him, he feels something for him, but why couldn't he love him? That's all he wanted.
-----
Oikawa isn't at school the next day. Or the following day. The day after that he appeared in school briefly but disappeared by the next period. No appearance on day four. Iwaizumi is sure he's never gone more than a night without seeing or hearing from the boy. So he goes to his house. Toru's mother answers the door. She tells him that Oikawa hasn't been feeling well. It's hard for him to figure out if that means 'he's sick' or 'he's depressed'. And he hated that.
Another week. Another visit. The response is a little different this time.
"Hello Iwaizumi, I'm sorry, but I'm not sure that Toru is ready to have friends over yet. I apologise, but he's going through a lot…" his mother says. This time, Hajime struggles to keep his anger and frustration in check. "I...I want to see him anyway. He's just being dramatic about something I said to him the other day, it's not that serious!"
The woman is taken aback, but surprisingly moved out of the way to let him in. He heads straight to the bedroom and doesn't knock. He...regretted this decision. He swallows his tears, bile and common sense to hold them back.
"Those aren't volleyball Injuries…"
"...so what?"
A shiver goes down his spine. What did he mean by that? He quickly walks over to where Oikawa sat in the middle of his bedroom floor and grabbed a fistful of his shirt and lifted him to his feet to meet his eyes.
"It means you're doing it on purpose! Are you mental, Shittykawa? Are you going insane? You're gonna end up killing yourself with that shit!" He uses his foot to shut the door, practically throwing Oikawa onto the bed. The latter tries to get up, but he pins him back down.
Toru pulls his knees back and starts to kick at him, his foot hitting him square in the gut. He doesn't stop, though, and feels all his control leave his body when his elbow and then his fist impact with Oikawa's right knee, causing the other boy to cry out in pain.
"That really hurt, Iwa-chan, why did you do that? Why do you like hurting me so much?"
Finally, Hajime backed off. What the hell was he talking about? He never hurt him before, not for real anyway. Seeming to understand his lack of response, Oikawa says:
"You told me you couldn't love someone like me! Why not? What am I supposed to do to make you love me?"
"So that is what this shit is about? You're such a baby, Shittykawa."
"Just- tell me!"
He flinches at the raised voice that trembles with every breath the setter takes. "I was just angry, Shittykawa. I didn't mean it. I panicked and didn't know what to do so I just said it without thinking! Losing nationals...this...blame me, not yourself…"
The brunette crawls onto the bed, hovering over his teammate, and calmly laying halfway on top of him, tangling his fingers in his hair and kissing his cheek.
"I love you how you are, Toru. I swear I do."