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Hollow did not know how to be happy.
Surely, they were capable of it, if they were capable of all of these other emotions that they had gained. But still, happiness and the peace did not seem possible.
They had felt relief at first, perhaps hope, when they had been freed from the Temple. Reuniting with Hornet, feeling the touch of another bug after so long without physical contact. But that had turned to numbness as they realized how much time had been wasted, how much pain they had been in, and how much they didn’t know what to do next. They had never considered a future, only an end.
Then came a wave of intensity, emotions so unfamiliar and raw that it hurt with a force almost suffocating. Ghost or Hornet would speak to another bug, and Hollow would clench their claws tight, terrified that this new bug would be a replacement to their siblings, leaving them all alone again. They would make a mistake, which was to be expected when they had not interacted with anyone for such a drastically long amount of time. And yet they had no forgiveness for themselves, thoughts almost immediately turning to self hatred as they considered how much better it would be for everyone else if they were gone. Sometimes the intensity came in the form of anger, at the unjust fate they had served,to all that had unfairly used them. Sometimes they felt sadness so strongly they wanted to curl in on themselves forever, mourning and praying they had a mouth to weep for all they had lost.
Guilt for their failings plagued their sleep, paranoia and fear leaving their hands shaking as they looked everywhere for the warning signs of being used again, lashing out at everything that felt like it was trying to hurt them.
No happiness.
They knew the Radiance was gone from their mind, but they could still feel her lingering oppressive presence on their thoughts. How easy it would be to take their nail and purge her from themselves again.
This world had never known them anyways.
“Hollow.”
They turned their head, their mind so fuzzy they barely noticed that they had begun to grip their nail in their claws. Hornet walked with heavy steps towards them, grasping their hand and unfurling their fingers from the blade as she stared into their eyes intensely. Hollow was still learning emotions, and their first reaction was to apologize for whatever they had done to make her angry; promise to be a better sibling. But the subtle way her hands shook on theirs, they realized that this was a different emotion, one they had not seen on Hornet before. Their sister was afraid.
“Hollow. Are you okay? Tell me what is happening.” Hollow felt another emotion rise in them. Shame. For making their sibling worry, for burdening her with their unimportant problems, those silly little thoughts. They looked away. Hornet sat beside them. Her voice was uncharacteristically soft.
“Please. I want to help.” The gentle plea in her voice made Hollow’s heart ache, and they were sure if they were capable of crying that a sob would have risen in their throat. They raised their claws to sign shakily, not making eye contact with their sister.
“The Radiance is gone… but all of the things she told me… all of the bad thoughts… they’re still there... “ They paused. Only Hornet’s continued silence spurred them forwards.
“I want them to stop… the bad thoughts. I am sad, and then I am angry, and then I am scared. But I am never happy. I do not know how to be happy… and she always told me… that I was not special. I was not important. Forgotten. I could be replaced…”
“I thought that I would not be missed.”
The silence that followed made Hollow squirm. They expected Hornet to react with anger, perhaps even confirm those thoughts to Hollow. It was only when they felt the quaking of her body did they realize she was crying. They panicked, trying to get her to look at their claws so they could sign an apology to her. But she took their hand, looking them in the eyes.
“You are important to me. There is nothing in all of Hallownest or anything beyond it that could replace you. I have been blessed with the miracle of getting you back, and I am not letting anything take you away! You’re one of the only things I have left!” The cry in her voice turned to a small sob.
“I love you so much, Hollow. If you aren’t happy now then… Ghost and I will find a way to make sure you are, okay? I promise you.” Hollow nodded. Despite being new to emotions, there was no way to mistake the love and intensity Hornet felt. They raised their claws gently.
“I am sorry. That I scared you.”
“It is true you scared me. But you do not need to apologize for needing my support, alright?” Hollow nodded gently. A small knock at the door and a creak revealed Ghost, who clearly had heard Hornet’s distressed outburst. They tilted their head in a way that suggested a questioning concern. Hornet patted beside her and Hollow.
“Come little Ghost… Our sibling is in need of some affection.” Ghost did not need to be told twice, and they quickly dashed over to curl into their siblings lap. Hornet leaned on Hollow, humming a comforting tune as she stroked her siblings back comfortingly. They stayed like that a long while, Hollow focusing on the love of the two bugs they shared blood with. The love Hollow felt for them, and the love that they received in return.
Perhaps that was happiness.