Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

‘Sweep the leg.’

Johnny looked at his Sensei, searching his eyes. He hesitated and the man saw it.

‘You have a problem with that?’ he hissed.

Johnny stuttered ‘No, Sensei.’

His Sensei nodded, expecting his student’s compliance. ‘No mercy.’

Johnny stepped away from the man, back to the mat. He looked at the crowds, booing him, shouting at him. He looked at the dark-haired boy in front of him, limping, almost finished. Johnny looked back at his Sensei who stared impassively at him, appraising him. Johnny knew he was being watched, assessed for weakness. That weakness would not be tolerated.

The referee restarted the match. ‘Lawrence nothing.’ Those words weighed heavily on him.

Johnny looked back at his Sensei and did what he had been taught. No mercy. He went for the boy, swiping at his leg and kicking up, connecting with the head. The boy cried out and went down. Johnny could hear his teammates yelling while the crowd booed.

‘One-point Lawrence, two points LaRusso.’

The boy got up. Johnny looked at his Sensei, who nodded at him. Was he pleased? Johnny knew he wouldn’t be satisfied until it was over.

The referee restarted the match and there was a flurry of punches and kicks that his opponent blocked. He went to the floor and rolled away before Johnny connected with his ribs.

‘One-point Lawrence, two to two.’

The boy struck out a Johnny and Johnny moved away easily. His opponent was at his weakest when on the offensive and Johnny knew that. He attacked back. The boy limped away from Johnny’s kicks.

‘Out of bounds.’

The boy limped back into the ring. He had nothing left and Johnny could see it. It was like fighting an injured deer. Although it should be easy, the deer kept on getting away from him. Johnny looked back at his Sensei, who glared at him. His Sensei knew, knew that Johnny was failing. This should be easy.

Johnny swept at his leg and the boy fell, got up again. Johnny was knocked to the floor, pushing himself back up to his feet. There was another flurry of kicks, which were blocked. Johnny tried a final attempt and punched his opponent in the face.

The referee turned to the dark-haired boy on the mat who was clutching his face. ‘Are you OK?’ He looked at Johnny. ‘No point.’ Johnny saw the referee’s face as he looked at him. Johnny was ashamed. He knew the rules. His Sensei continued to watch impassively. 

The match restarted. The boy kicked at Johnny and Johnny caught his foot, holding it. The boy hopped once, desperate for balance, and Johnny drove his elbow into his knee. He felt the knee move under the impact. The boy cried out and fell to the floor. The crowd booed. 

Johnny knelt on the mat. ‘Are you sure you’re OK?’ he heard from the other side. 

The referee looked at Johnny. ‘On your feet.’ Johnny jumped up and turned. ‘Warning for illegal contact to the knee.’ 

Johnny looked at his opponent limping heavily. He heard the shouts from his teammates. ‘Get him a body bag! Yeah!’ Johnny knew that his Sensei wasn’t listening to the crowds, was just watching his student. He had one final shot at victory. Failure was not an option. 

The match restarted. The crowd were shouting, Johnny couldn't hear what they were saying anymore, just a cacophony of noise in his ears. He picked out his Sensei's voice through the noise. ‘Finish him!’

Johnny steeled himself against the crowd and the voices; focused on his opponent. He stood on one leg, arms out. Johnny looked at him, stopped moving. He remembered his training. Strike First. Johnny went in and felt the rush of air before the impact. Johnny went down, clutching his face.

‘Winner!’

Johnny had lost.

The crowd rushed to the mat, lifting his opponent in the air. Johnny got up. His Sensei was watching him. Johnny knew he was finished but he felt a rush of emotion at that moment, the adrenaline of the match and the crowds taking him along. He had pushed himself so far. Johnny stepped forward, took the trophy.

‘You’re alright, LaRusso. Good match.’ He said it and meant it. The crowd carried Daniel away, leaving Johnny alone on the mat. His Sensei had left.

Johnny walked to the locker room. He could feel his hands shaking with the emotion of it all. The locker room was empty. Johnny found his bag, feeling like he was moving in slow motion. He picked up his clothes and moved to the showers. Johnny hadn’t stopped to collect his second-place trophy. 

*************************

Johnny stepped into the parking lot, looking for his friends. They were waiting for him. He breathed out and walked towards them. Someone stopped him. 

‘Hey, man. You forgot this.’ He passed Johnny a trophy. Johnny looked at the inscription. Second Place. He sighed and headed towards the cars. That was when he spotted his Sensei, watching him. Johnny walked towards him.

‘You’re off the team,’ the man barked as Johnny got closer. He turned his back on Johnny.

Johnny couldn’t believe it. Everything he had known gone over one match. ‘That’s not fair. I did my best,’ he protested, feeling like a reprimanded child.

His Sensei turned back to him. ‘You lost. You’re nothing. You’re a loser.’

Johnny’s heart sank. The words were so close to the ones used on so many occasions by his stepfather. He had worked so hard in the hope of never hearing those words again. They sounded so much like Sid. Johnny felt the familiar anger that had become a comfort to him at home

‘You’re the loser,’ he shouted at the man.

‘Oh, yeah. I’m the loser?’ His Sensei sneered at him.

‘Yeah.’

The man ripped the trophy from his hands, snapping it in front of his face. Johnny watched as parts of it littered the car park. 

‘Now who’s the loser?’ 

He looked at his Sensei in shock, had seen violence in the man before but never such pettiness. Johnny didn’t care about the trophy but for the first time saw what the man was, who he was. 

‘You’re really sick, man,’ he said. There was something wrong with his Sensei and he saw it now.

Before Johnny could take another breath, the man took hold of him, spun him just as he had taught his student to do and took hold of his neck. He began to squeeze. 

Johnny could hear a commotion around him, shouting from his teammates but all he could focus on was the arm around his neck, the desperate need for oxygen. He clawed at the man, but he only squeezed tighter. 

‘How's second-place feel now, huh?’ the man barked in his ear as Johnny struggled. Johnny heard his friends, felt the impact as his Sensei hit out at those around him.

Johnny could see lights dancing in front of his face, his lungs burning, when suddenly he was dropped. He fell to the floor, clutching his neck, taking deep breaths. 

Glass showered onto his head as his Sensei attempted to attack the smaller man. Johnny looked up and saw Daniel watching him, those big brown eyes lit up by the lights of the parking lot. Johnny saw pity in those eyes and moved his eyes downwards, looking at the floor between his legs. He sat like that for a while, shrugging off the help of his friends, only getting up once everyone had left. 

Johnny staggered to his feet. There was glass in his hair. He put his hands to the floor to push himself up and felt glass cut into his hands. Johnny was alone. He walked across the parking lot. He stepped over the pieces of his second-place trophy, discarded, just like its owner. Johnny walked home.

Johnny stepped into the entrance hall of his home, marble floor under his feet. It was quiet, his mother and stepfather out for the evening. Johnny hadn’t seen them all day, wasn’t sure if they even remembered the tournament was today. It had been so many years since they had attended. 

The floor squeaked under the soles of Johnny’s sneakers as he walked up the stairs to his room. He closed the door behind him and lay on his bed, looking up at the ceiling. He could still hear the sound of the crowds in his ears, his Sensei’s eyes boring into him as he ordered him to ‘sweep the leg’. Johnny had done what he had always done, followed orders. It wasn’t enough. Johnny had never been allowed to fail. Failure had never been an option. 

*****************************

Johnny woke the next morning. He was lying on his bed, still wearing last night's clothes. He groaned as he remembered the night before. He turned over and felt the stiffness in his neck. Whether it was from the kick or the events in the parking lot he didn’t know. 

He rolled over, placing his feet on the floor. Johnny staggered to his feet and walked to his bathroom, dropping his clothes as he went. He stepped into his shower and let the hot water relax him.

The room steamed up as he leant his head against the tiles, closing his eyes, letting the water run down him. All he could see were those brown eyes gazing at him. Johnny thought it had been pity but he knew now it was sadness he had seen. Not pity, just sadness. Johnny wanted to talk to Daniel, wanted to make amends for all the shit of the past six months. It had all been so fucking wrong.

Johnny turned the shower off and stepped towards the mirror. He wiped the steam off with his forearm and looked at himself. Years of training had been good to him, he knew that. He knew that when people looked at him they saw strength. An athlete. Johnny never saw that. He always saw the same skinny boy he had been, desperate to belong, vulnerable and fragile. The more Johnny worked, the harder his body became but all he ever saw was weakness. 

Johnny sighed sadly and turned away from his reflection. 

***********************

Daniel heard the door, got up and staggered to the window. The last person he had expected stood on his doorstep. He leaned against the wall.

Johnny! What did he want? Daniel’s heart began to beat faster as he felt the pain in his knee. He had seen a doctor straight after the match. Dislocation they had told him. After Mr Miyagi had fixed his knee, Johnny’s elbow had dislocated it again and it had stayed dislocated. It was only the adrenaline and shock that had kept Daniel on his feet for the remainder of the match. He looked through the curtains again. This time Johnny looked around at him. Daniel ducked below the window.

‘Come on, LaRusso. I can see you in the window.’

Daniel limped to the door. ‘What do you want, Johnny?’ he called.

‘I just….’ Johnny stopped. Why was he here? He hesitated. ‘I wanted to see if you were OK?’

Daniel snorted. ‘Yeah right, Johnny. I’m not opening this door. Go away!’ He turned away from the door, limped away.

‘Come on, man. I’m not gonna hurt you, I swear. Let me in. I want to talk.’ Johnny put his hand on the door. ‘I’m sorry, OK.’

Daniel stopped and turned back towards the door. He put his hand to the door handle. Daniel hesitated and opened the door.

Johnny wasn’t anticipating the door opening, still had his hand up, flat, where his palm had been against the wood moments before. 

‘Hi,’ he said, almost shy, not knowing what to say. He hadn’t expected Daniel to actually let him in.

‘Well?’ Daniel said.

‘Uh…. well, what?’ Johnny asked.

‘You said you were sorry.’ Johnny could see Daniel was angry. 

‘Yeah. I am. I’m sorry,’ he responded. 

Daniel hadn’t expected to be given the opportunity to confront Johnny and now the boy was in front of him, he could feel his pulse racing. He had so much he wanted to say, and it all came out at once.

‘Oh yeah, Johnny. What are you sorry for? The black eyes? You and your buddies beating on me?’ He stepped closer to Johnny, was satisfied to see the other boy step back from him. ‘How you treated Ali?’ Daniel pushed Johnny in the chest. ‘Or for cheating last night? Huh? How about my knee?’ Daniel shoved Johnny again, sending himself off balance as he did so. Johnny reached out and took his arm, helping to steady him.

‘Get off me!’ Daniel shrugged his arm away. He turned and limped back into his apartment. Johnny followed him. 

Daniel made his way to the couch and sat down heavily. He turned and watched as Johnny looked around his living room. It was odd seeing the other boy in his home, touching items on the shelf, picking up Daniel’s mother’s clown ornament from the shelf, looking at it and placing it back carefully. Johnny looked almost too big for the room, tall and blond-haired. He didn’t fit.

Johnny turned and looked at him. ‘Look, I’m sorry alright. For all of it. That wasn’t me. It was….’

Daniel snorted again. ‘Who was it? Your evil twin?’ He looked Johnny in the eye, no longer afraid of him. ‘Don’t come here and make excuses for yourself. Either you’re sorry and you own it, or you’re not.' Daniel moved around, trying to pull his injured leg up onto the couch, wincing.

Johnny moved to help him, reaching for Daniel's leg.

‘Don’t touch me,’ Daniel hissed at him. Johnny stepped back, hands raised in surrender.

‘OK, OK. I won’t.’ Johnny sat in the armchair opposite him. ‘So, how’s the knee?’ he asked, carefully.

‘It hurts. How’s your face?’ Daniel asked with a sneer.

‘It’s OK.’ Johnny muttered. He looked around, feeling awkward again. He looked around as Daniel watched him. ‘Nice place.’ 

Daniel snorted with derision. ‘Oh yeah. What? Too small for you?’ 

‘No. It reminds me of the apartment my mom and I had when I was a kid. It was nice.'

Daniel looked at Johnny, his face softened for a moment. He remembered himself, his face changed again, he glared at the boy. ‘Whatever. What do you want, Johnny?’ 

‘I just…… I wanted to check on you. What happened last night wasn’t right. I’m glad you won. You deserved it. More than I did.’ Johnny was being honest. It wouldn’t have mattered if he had won anyway. It would never have been enough. ‘I know we can never be friends. But I did want to say I am sorry. I won’t bother you anymore. None of us will.’

‘OK. Well, thank you,’ Daniel played with the comforter. The boys were silent for a moment. ‘Since you're here, do you wanna watch TV or something?’ Daniel asked.

‘Sure,’ Johnny smiled. He stood up. ‘Do you want me to get anything for you?’ he asked. 

‘Uh, yeah. Tea would be great.'

Johnny nodded, headed over to the small kitchen. Daniel watched as Johnny opened cupboards, finding mugs and tea bags. He turned to the stove and boiled some water. Johnny turned, caught Daniel watching and smiled at him. Daniel didn’t smile back, just kept on watching him. 

Johnny placed a mug of tea in front of Daniel and sat back in the chair, holding the mug on his thigh. The boys fell into another silence.

Daniel spoke first. ‘So, it was just you and your ma?’

Johnny smiled. ‘Yeah. When I was a kid. Before she married.’

‘And your dad?’

Johnny looked at his hands. ‘I…. uh…. never really knew my dad. It was just the two of us. It was good. We were dirt poor, but it never seemed to matter. She married when I was eight. My stepdad’s an asshole but I know why she did it. She wanted me to have what she didn’t.’ He looked up at the ceiling, feeling emotional speaking about it. ‘I don’t think it ever occurred to her that I didn’t want any of that shit.’

‘I just assumed you were born into it. That whole privileged lifestyle.’ 

‘Yeah. Well, we don’t really know each other at all, do we.’ They were silent. Johnny tried to change the subject, tried to lighten the mood that has just come over them both. ‘So, what’s on TV. What do you wanna watch?’ Johnny got up, turned the TV on, flicking through the channels. He found a baseball game but turned it over.

‘Hey, leave that on,’ Daniel protested. 

‘Ugh, baseball!’ Johnny teased. ‘So boring.’

‘Shut up and put it on.’

‘Fine whatever.’ Johnny turned the TV back to the baseball game. He came over to the couch and sat down. ‘Move up.’

‘Why can’t you just sit over there,’ Daniel complained, pointing to the chair. 

‘Because I want to sit here. I can’t see the TV from there,’ Johnny shifted around.

‘You are such a pain, you don’t even like baseball. I want to put my leg there,’ Daniel complained.

‘Then put your leg on me. Stop moaning. Watch the game,’ Johnny pulled Daniel’s injured leg across his lap and turned towards the TV, reaching for his mug. 

Daniel watched the TV, stealing glances at Johnny. He still didn’t trust it. Johnny was in his house, watching TV, Daniel’s injured leg across him. It all seemed too weird. Johnny spoke, breaking Daniel’s train of thought.

‘Why are you looking at me?’ Johnny asked, not looking away from the TV. 

‘I’m not looking at you’

‘I can feel you watching me. What is it?’ Johnny turned to Daniel.

‘I don’t know, man. It’s just weird you being here. After everything that happened.’ 

Johnny looked back at the TV. ‘Just watch the game.’

Daniel couldn’t let it go. ‘Your sensei?’

Johnny sighed and turned towards Daniel. ‘What about him?’

‘He’s crazy. Why did you...you know…. listen to him? You must have known there was something wrong with him.’

‘You wouldn’t understand,’ was his only answer.

‘Try me,’ Daniel challenged

Johnny looked at Daniel, hesitating before he spoke. 'Things at home were shit, you know. My stepfather was always going at me and my mom. I thought…. I thought that he would make me strong. It made me feel good, like I was good at something. It all got fucked up. Nothing I did was ever going to be enough. Losing was never an option. It’s was all too much pressure.’

Daniel looked at him and nodded. He had never thought about it from Johnny’s perspective. He knew what a psycho Kreese was, but he had never spared a thought for his students, the reasons they stayed.

Daniel didn’t push any further. He settled in to watch the game.

A while later, Johnny looked over at Daniel. Daniel was asleep on the couch. Johnny got up, moving Daniel’s leg carefully. He turned the TV off and pulled the comforter over Daniel. He moved quietly, placing their mugs back in the kitchen. Johnny collected his jacket and walked towards the front door. He headed towards his car and drove home.

As Johnny pulled up, he saw that his stepfather’s car was in the driveway. They were home. Johnny walked up the stone stairs and let himself in through the large front doors. He moved towards the stairs, hearing voices in the kitchen. He didn’t want to talk. 

Johnny started up the stairs quietly when he heard someone call his name. ‘Johnny. Is that you?’ His mother.

He stopped and turned, walked back towards the kitchen. His mother and stepfather sat at the table by the windows, eating lunch, reading the newspapers. 

‘Hey, honey. How was the tournament?’ his mother asked. His stepfather didn’t look up from his newspaper.

‘It was fine,’ He stood in the doorway, not moving into the room.

‘Good,’ was her only response. They never asked any questions anymore, so he gave them no further information. His mother looked back at her newspaper and Johnny left the room.

*****************************

The next evening Daniel heard a knock on his door. His mother opened the door. 

Daniel recognised the voice. ‘Oh. Hi, Mrs LaRusso. Is Daniel in?’ Johnny was back.

‘He is but I doubt he wants to see you after what you did,’ Daniel heard his mother retort. 

‘Ma,’ he called. ‘It’s OK. Let him in.’

Johnny appeared in the living room followed closely by Lucille. She wasn’t happy. ‘You have a lot of nerve coming here after what you boys did to him. Look at him. Are you proud of yourself?’ 

Johnny looked at his feet. ‘No, ma’am. I apologised to Daniel. It shouldn’t have happened.’ He looked at Daniel. ‘I am sorry,’ he said

‘I know, Johnny. It’s OK, ma, it’s alright. We’re fine.’

‘Hmm. Well if you are sure. I have to go to work.' Lucille went to Daniel, leaning over and kissed him on the head. ‘Look after yourself.’ She turned to Johnny. ‘And you. If you're gonna stay, make yourself useful. There are some leftovers in the fridge. Heat them for Daniel. There should be enough for you as well if you want something.’

‘I will, ma’am. Thank you.’ 

‘Yes, well. OK. You boys have a good evening’ Lucille looked at Johnny again, narrowing her eyes. She turned and left the apartment.

Johnny sighed and sat down. ‘Your mom’s scary,’ he said.

Daniel laughed. ‘Yeah, she can be.’

‘I don’t think she likes me very much.’

‘Yeah, well you hurt her son. Don’t worry. She’ll be fine.’ Daniel paused. ‘So, what are you doing back here?’

‘I thought we could do something.’ 

‘I can’t do much, but we can just hang out.’

There was a silence. Johnny broke it first. ‘So, the knee? What did the doctor say?’

‘It’s just a dislocation. It should heal with time. I have to do some exercises or it will get too weak.’

‘That’s good. What are the exercises?’

‘At the moment just leg raises, getting the thigh muscle working. That kind of stuff.’ Daniel rubbed his leg absentmindedly as he spoke.

‘And are you doing them? The exercises?’ Johnny asked.

‘Not really. I’m supposed to do them three times a day, but I forget,’ he confessed.

Johnny jumped up. ‘Well, let’s do them now, while we are talking about it.’

‘No, Johnny. Leave me alone,’ Daniel protested. 

‘Come on. It will never heal if you don’t do them.’ Johnny sat on the floor next to the sofa.

Daniel smiled. ‘You don’t care. You just don’t want me to be crippled forever so you don't have to feel bad.’

Johnny laughed. ‘Maybe. So, do it for me.’ 

Daniel smiled. It was nice to hear the boy laugh. Daniel didn’t think he had ever heard Johnny laugh and it was a nice sound. ‘OK, fine,’ he relented. ‘Get that piece of paper. It has my exercises written down.’

*****************************

Three days later Johnny was back at Daniel’s, had been there every afternoon that week. 

‘Come on, Daniel. Move that leg. No mercy!’ he demanded.

‘Don’t try that no mercy shit with me, Lawrence.’ 

Johnny smiled. ‘OK. Not no mercy. But don’t be such a wuss. You just have to do three more and I know you can do it.’

Daniel grimaced as he lifted his leg again, focused on squeezing the thigh muscle. ‘One,’ he breathed.

‘Come on. Two more. You can do it.’

Daniel breathed. ‘Two’. He took a breath. ‘Three.’ Daniel dropped his leg back onto the carpet and breathed. ‘There. Done.’

Johnny sat on the floor, stretched his legs out next to Daniel’s. ‘I told you you could do it.’

‘Yeah, yeah,’ was all Daniel said. 

‘What’s next?’ Johnny asked, picked up the list of Daniel’s exercises.

‘Oh, come on, Johnny. I need a break.’ Daniel pulled himself back onto the couch.

‘Oh, don’t be a baby. How are you gonna get fighting fit again with an attitude like that? What else do you have to do?’

Daniel sighed, rolled his eyes. ‘OK. They have said that I need to start cycling.’

‘Like on a bike?’

‘Yeah, on a bike. But I don’t know. I can’t go out like this,’ Daniel gestured down to his leg.

‘Hmm,’ Johnny smiled. ‘I have an idea.'

*********************

The next day Johnny pulled up outside of Daniel’s apartment. Daniel watched him from the window. Johnny was pulling a white, metal contraption out of his car. It was far too big for the little sports car, the Avanti convertible not designed for transporting anything more than teens to parties.

Johnny pulled and the machine finally popped out of the back seat, causing Johnny to fall back into the grass. Daniel sniggered to himself as he watched Johnny curse and climb to his feet, dusting off his jeans. He lifted the machine and walked towards the apartment block.

Daniel opened the door as Johnny came up the stairs. ‘What is that?’

Johnny looked proud of himself. ‘This, my friend, is a stationary exercise bike.’ Daniel held the door open as Johnny carried it into the living room, placed it in the middle of the apartment. ‘It’s my mom’s and she never uses it. It’s a bike but with no wheels.’

‘So, a bike that goes nowhere? Sounds pointless,’ Daniel snorted.

‘No, man. You can use it to strengthen your leg. Look.’ Johnny climbed onto the saddle and started to cycle. ‘You can increase the resistance here.’ He turned the red knob on the frame.

Daniel wasn’t convinced. ‘I don’t know.’

‘Just get on it and try it out,’ Johnny hopped off and held the handles towards Daniel. 

Daniel reluctantly climbed on. He started to cycle slowly, wincing as his leg moved through the first rotation. His face relaxed. ‘I can do it!’ he said, smiling as he cycled.

‘Yeah, you see. As you get stronger you can make the resistance harder. We’ll get you back out on your real bike in no time.’

Daniel looked at Johnny. Johnny was beaming, so proud of his idea and Daniel was touched by the gift. ‘Thanks, man. Are you sure your ma won’t miss it?’

‘Nah. It was just sitting in a spare room. She won’t even notice.’

They turned around as the apartment door opened. Lucille walked in with a shopping bag.

‘Hi, boys. What's that?’ she asked, looking at the bike in the middle of her living room. 

‘It’s a bike for me to exercise my knee on. Johnny gave it to me. Isn’t it great?’ Daniel started to cycle again. 

‘That’s great, sweetie.' Lucille nodded towards the shopping bags on the doorstep. ‘Johnny, can you get these for me?’

‘Sure, Mrs LaRusso.’ Johnny picked up both bags and carried them to the kitchen.

Lucille had gotten used to finding the blond boy in her house and had begun to warm to him. He seemed sincerely sorry about what happened between him and Daniel and he made her son smile. He also had impeccable manners and was always respectful. She had even had to ask him to stop calling her ma’am. It made her feel old.

‘Johnny, will you be staying for dinner?’ she asked.

‘If that’s OK?’ he asked.

‘Sure. Do you want to help? I’m making pasta from scratch and could do with another pair of hands.’

‘Of course,’ Johnny got up and followed her into the kitchen.

Johnny enjoyed watching Lucille cook. He would ask her questions and let her show him techniques. Lucille had asked about his parents and Johnny had been evasive and avoided the question, which told her what she needed to know. She didn’t know much about Johnny’s home life and tried not to pry, but she could tell from the way that he watched her, hung around the kitchen while she cooked, that he enjoyed the domesticity of it. She had a feeling he didn’t get that at home.

***************************

Johnny sat in the booth with his friends, eating french fries from his plate. He listened to the laughter and chatter going on around him. He was quiet.

‘Hey, Johnny’ Tommy asked. ‘Where have you been? We haven't seen you in ages.’ He stuffed a handful of fries into his mouth.

‘I’ve been about. Just busy,’ he answered, taking a drink of his milkshake.

All the boys except Dutch had quit Cobra Kai after the night of the tournament. Dutch was the only one still wearing his Cobra Kai jacket.

Jimmy turned to Dutch. ‘How’s training going?’

‘Good, man. Sensei says I’m the best in on the team,’ Dutch answered, looking at Johnny, smirking.

‘Yeah. You’re welcome to it,’ Johnny answered.

‘Sensei says that I have the spirit of a winner. That some people just can’t handle the pressure,’ Dutch said, looking pointedly at Johnny.

Johnny continued eating, knowing the other boy was trying to goad him. The others had gone quiet. He finished his fries and got up.

‘I’m gonna go.’ He threw his napkin onto his plate.

‘Stay. Ignore Dutch, he’s just being an asshole,’ Bobby protested.

‘Hey!’ Dutch said, throwing a fry at his friend.

‘Nah, I’m OK. See you guys.’ Johnny took his jacket and walked towards the door.

Tommy punched Dutch in the arm with annoyance as Johnny walked out. ‘Fuck you, man. He was my ride home.' Dutch just laughed.

Johnny climbed into his car and sat behind the wheel. He sighed. Johnny looked at the clock on the dash. Was it too late to go and see Daniel? Johnny decided against it and headed home.

**************************

1984 turned into 1985 and Winter turned into Spring. Johnny and Daniel were spending more time together. School had started and they still kept to their respective social circles but outside school, they would see each other almost every other day. 

Between spending time with Daniel and preparing for his final exams, Johnny had not been seen much outside of school and he felt he was drifting away from the other boys. Dutch was spending a lot of time training, Kreese expecting the same dedication from Dutch that he had expected from Johnny. Tommy had a new girlfriend and Jimmy was struggling with the weight of exams. The only one in the group who Johnny still saw regularly was Bobby. He had always been closer to Bobby than the others.

They sat on the wall outside of the gym, waiting for class.

‘So, you’re spending a lot of time with LaRusso,’ Bobby observed

‘Yeah. He’s OK.’ Johnny looked at Bobby. ‘You’re OK with that, aren’t you?’

‘Of course. It’s good you two are getting on. Just weird. Never would have placed you and LaRusso as friends,’ Bobby teased.

‘Me neither,’ Johnny confessed.

*************************

Johnny was laying on Daniel’s bed, reading a magazine, while Daniel sat at his desk studying. Johnny rolled onto his front and sighed.

Daniel didn’t look up from his work as he spoke. ‘You don’t have to sit and watch me study, you know.’

‘What else am I supposed to do?’ Johnny asked.

‘Don’t you have a home of your own to go to?’ Daniel teased. 

The smile fell from Johnny’s face. He turned back to his magazine. ‘I’m OK.’

Daniel got up and sat on the bed with Johnny. ‘Johnny, is everything alright at home?’ 

Johnny looked at him, huffed out a laugh. ‘Yeah, sure man. Why?’

Daniel took Johnny’s arm and pulled his sleeve up. ‘You think I don’t notice this stuff,' he said, exposing the bruises on Johnny’s arm. There were three clear finger marks on Johnny’s forearm. 

Johnny pulled his arm away, rolled his sleeve over them. ‘It’s nothing, man. Just Sid being a prick.’ He went back to his magazine. 

‘Does your ma know?’ Daniel asked carefully.

Johnny didn’t look up, didn’t want to see those brown eyes looking at him with concern. ‘Yeah. She doesn’t give a shit what he does. So long as he keeps paying her credit card bill,’ he said bitterly.

Daniel nodded. He changed the subject ‘You wanna stay over tonight? We can watch some movies, order a pizza.’

Johnny smiled. ‘Sure, that sounds good.’

****************************

Daniel looked over at the boy next to him. It was late and the movie Halloween was on the TV. Johnny had fallen asleep a little while ago and was now curled up next to Daniel on the bed. Daniel watched him sleep, still couldn't believe that this was the same boy who had attacked him that day on the beach. It seemed so long ago.

Johnny’s sleeve had rolled up as he slept, and Daniel looked down at the bruises on Johnny’s arm. He had seen marks on the boy before. Johnny thought Daniel hadn’t noticed but he always did, had only worked up the courage to ask for the first time tonight. Daniel always noticed when Johnny had a fresh bruise. Johnny wasn’t practising martial arts anymore so couldn’t blame that. 

He knew that Johnny’s home life was not the perfect upper-middle-class existence that it looked from the outside, that Johnny’s stepfather had a cruel streak. He also knew that was why Johnny spent so much time at Daniel’s place and Daniel had never been invited to Johnny’s. Daniel had seen where Johnny lived, had stopped at the bottom of his drive but had never been in the house and had stopped asking for an invite long ago.

Johnny mumbled in his sleep and Daniel found himself reaching over and pushing his blond hair off his forehead. Daniel turned the TV off, moved his pillow out flat and laid next to Johnny, closing his eyes.

***************************

Johnny and Daniel were playing a card game. Daniel had his cards up to his face, behind his eyes.

‘Come on, LaRusso. I know you're bluffing. Just show me your cards.’ 

Daniel didn’t bring his cards down. ‘Patience, Johnny. I want to enjoy this.’ Johnny reached for Daniel’s cards and Daniel pulled away laughing. ‘You are so impatient, Lawrence. You do hate to lose, don’t you.’

Johnny lunged for them again. ‘And you’re a little cheat. Just show me your cards!’

Instead, Daniel picked up the pile of cards in between them and threw them and his cards in the air. Playing cards floated to the ground, littering the room. ‘Let’s play fifty-two pickup instead!’ He laughed at Johnny.

‘What the hell man! Which cards did you have?’ Johnny collected up the cards, looking at each one as he went.

‘Now you will never know if you won.’ Daniel looked at Johnny’s stricken face. ‘You should see your face! That’s gonna kill you isn’t it, not knowing whether you won or not.’ Daniel looked at the distress on Johnny's face and laughed harder. He looked up again and lost control, his eyes filling with tears as he laughed at Johnny.

‘Yeah, laugh it up fuzzy,’ Johnny grumbled. ‘That was so childish.’ 

Daniel clutched his sides as he rolled on the floor, rolling onto the cards that littered the room. Johnny began to collect the cards up, not talking. Daniel stopped laughing and looked at Johnny’s face.

‘Oh, come on man, I was only playing.’ Daniel said

‘You’re such a child sometimes, you know that.’ 

Daniel realised that Johnny was still not laughing, that the boy was genuinely pissed off. 

‘I’m sorry. I was losing. Look, you won,’ Daniel said, handing Johnny the cards that were hidden under his butt.

‘Ha! I knew it!’ Johnny laughed. ‘I knew you were losing. I won!’ Johnny waved his arms around in celebration.

‘Oh, you are going down, Lawrence!’ Daniel lunged at Johnny, pulling him to the floor and climbed on top of him. He started to tickle under Johnny’s arms, making the boy laugh.

‘No, I’m sorry. Stop it,’ Johnny laughed as he struggled. 

‘Never!’ Daniel pinned Johnny down and tickled him. ‘No mercy!’ he cried as he tortured his friend. Johnny was now crying with laughter and struggling against him. 

Johnny wrapped his legs around Daniel's waist and, using a move he hadn’t practised since he left Cobra Kai, used his body weight to flip Daniel onto his back. Daniel grunted as he landed and Johnny sat on his stomach. Daniel tried to push him away and Johnny grabbed his arms and pinned them under his knees.

Daniel bucked his hips and Johnny fell forward, catching himself in his hands, inches from Daniel’s face. He stopped and looked down at the boy below him, brown eyes wide and looking up at him. Johnny breathed out and looked at Daniel’s lips. Daniel watched him and was helpless as Johnny moved forward and kissed Daniel. 

Daniel’s lips were as soft as he had expected them to be, tasting of the Dr Pepper he had been drinking. Johnny pulled back and looked down at Daniel, who stared up at him, eyes wide with shock. 

‘Uh, sorry,’ Johnny muttered, climbing off Daniel. He ran his hand through his hair. Daniel was still laying on his back as Johnny got to his feet.

‘I had better go,’ he said, not looking at Daniel as he found his jacket. 

Johnny was gone before Daniel could collect himself enough to respond. He heard the front door slam shut as Johnny left.

Daniel stayed on the floor looking at the ceiling. He could still feel the boy's lips on him. He surprised himself by how much he wanted Johnny to come back. Daniel got up and looked out of the window as the red sports car drove away.

Johnny drove home. He jumped out of his car, ran through the front door and, taking the stairs two at a time, up to his room. He threw the door closed behind him and flopped down face-first onto the bed. He groaned as he gripped the bed sheet into his fist.

‘So stupid,’ he muttered to himself. Why had he done that? Things were going so well with Daniel and he had fucked it up. Daniel was never going to want to see him again. 

Johnny rolled onto his back and closed his eyes, digging the heels of his hands into his eye sockets. He thought about those brown eyes staring up at him, wide and confused as Johnny had kissed him. Daniel hadn’t kissed him back. Johnny could have cried. He wished he could take it back. He took his hands away from his eyes and stared up at the ceiling. 

**********************

Johnny didn’t visit Daniel for the rest of the week. Daniel sat by the phone, thinking about calling Johnny, wanting to speak to him. Daniel missed him. 

The weekend came and went, and Daniel had still not heard from Johnny. He finally reached for the phone and dialled Johnny’s number. Johnny answered.

‘Johnny?’ 

Daniel heard Johnny sigh. ‘Oh. Hi, LaRusso,’ he muttered.

‘Hey, Johnny. I haven't seen you for a while. Do you want to hang out?’ Daniel asked tentatively. 

‘You sure?’ The surprise and hope in Johnny’s voice made Daniel smile

‘Yeah. I haven’t seen you all week. I could come to yours.’

Johnny reached behind his head and scratched his neck, looked around his room. It was a mess.

‘Oh. yeah. Sure. When?’ 

Daniel looked at his watch. ‘How about in an hour?’

Johnny smiled. ‘Yeah. See you then.'

Johnny hung up the phone. He moved into action, clearing his room. There was dirty laundry on the floor. He bundled it up and stuffed it into the hamper. He collected up the empty mugs and glasses from around the room and took them downstairs, putting them in the dishwasher.

Why was he nervous? He had spent so much time with Daniel but had never been nervous before. Daniel had never seen his house before, had never seen his room but Johnny knew that Daniel wouldn’t judge him.

Johnny went into the bathroom and looked around. He collected a towel from the floor and replaced it with a clean one from his closet, hanging it on the towel rail. 

He looked at himself in the mirror, ran his hands through his hair. He considered taking a shower and decided against it. He changed his t-shirt and put a clean shirt over the top of it. Johnny sat on the bed. He looked at the clock. Six minutes has passed since their call. He sat and waited.

One hour later Johnny heard the front bell. He leapt up and rushed down the stairs. He wanted to get to the door before anyone else but as he got to the stairs, he watched his stepfather open the front door. Johnny’s heart sank.

‘Who are you?’ Sid asked.

Daniel looked up at the man who towered over him. He had never met Johnny’s stepfather before. The guy was large, imposing. Daniel looked at the man’s hands, twice the size of Daniel’s and thought of the bruises he had seen on Johnny. He knew that those hands had caused them. 

‘Uh. I’m here to see Johnny. You must be Mr Lawrence.’ Johnny winced from the stairs. 

The man stared down at Daniel and didn't respond. Daniel knew by the man’s face that he had already made a mistake.

‘That’s Mr Weinberg,’ the man said through gritted teeth.

‘Oh...uh…yeah...sorry. Is Johnny in?’ Daniel asked, smiling at the man’s hostility. 

Sid didn’t respond, turning away from the door and walking back to his office, slamming the door behind him.

Johnny gestured for Daniel to follow him up the stairs. They walked along the corridor to Johnny’s room and Johnny closed the door behind him. 

Johnny turned as Daniel sat on the bed. ‘Sorry about him’ Johnny muttered.

‘It’s OK, Johnny. So that’s your stepdad, huh?’

Johnny ran his hand through his hair. ‘Yeah. He’s a prick. I didn’t want you to meet him.’

‘It’s OK, Johnny. I’m glad you invited me.’ Daniel got up and walked around the room, looking around. 

Johnny’s room was so much bigger than Daniel’s. He had a large TV on a stand in the corner, a VHS player below it. There was a games console on the floor. Daniel would have killed for an Atari and it was just there, casually tossed onto the floor. He walked over to a shelf weighed down with trophies, medals, and certificates in frames. There were many for karate but other sports as well. It seemed like Johnny was a natural at any sport he put his mind to. There was a desk covered in schoolbooks, comics, paperwork, notebooks. It didn’t look like much studying ever got done at that desk. 

‘Nice room,’ Daniel observed. 

‘Thanks. Sorry it’s such a mess’ 

Daniel looked around at Johnny. He could see that Johnny was nervous and wasn't making eye contact with him. He was looking down, seemed to be fascinated by his nails.

‘Johnny.’ Johnny looked up at Daniel. ‘Are you OK?’ 

‘Uh, yeah, man. Look, sorry about the other day. I didn’t know what I was doing.’ He looked up at Daniel. Daniel was shocked by how sad his eyes looked. ‘I thought you would freak out, wouldn’t want to see me, so I stayed away.’

Daniel moved towards him. ‘I wasn’t freaked out. I was just shocked…. I wasn’t expecting that.’ 

‘Yeah, well, neither was I. Look if you want to…’ Johnny was cut off as Daniel closed the space between them and kissed him. Johnny didn’t kiss back at first, surprised by Daniel’s actions. Daniel moved his hand up to Johnny’s hair and Johnny began to kiss him back. 

Johnny had never made out with a guy before and it was different than with any of the girls he had been with. All teeth and tongues, neither of them leading but both taking what they wanted. Daniel kissed Johnny like he was looking to devour him, and Johnny kissed him back equally. 

Daniel broke away and stepped back. His chest was rising and falling, his breathing heavy. Johnny looked at him, his breathing also heavy. The passion of it had taken them both by surprise. 

‘Uh…. that was….’ Daniel stuttered. 

‘Yeah,’ was all Johnny responded.

‘Have you ever done that with a guy before?’ Daniel asked.

‘No’ Johnny looked at him. ‘You?’

‘No’

The two boys fell silent. 

Johnny spoke first. ‘Daniel. I don’t know what’s going on man. But I really like you’ He paused, hesitated. ‘I mean, I like you, like you. If you know what I mean.’ Johnny had never been shy about expressing his feelings for someone before. With the girls at school, if he wanted to hit on someone, he would go for it. Strike First. With Daniel it was different. He knew there was so much more on the line. So much more than just simple rejection. Guys were not allowed to confess feelings for other guys. Bad things could happen if it wasn’t reciprocated. 

Daniel smiled. ‘I like you too, Johnny’

Johnny let the breath out he didn’t realise he had been holding. He smiled. ‘That’s good’ Johnny moved and sat on the bed. Daniel sat next to him. Daniel took his hand. Johnny looked down at their hands together. 

‘Can I kiss you again?’ Daniel asked.

Johnny nodded. Daniel put his hand on the side of his face and kissed him, lighter this time, softer. They broke apart, looked at each other, faces close.

‘What now?’ Johnny asked.

Daniel laughed softly. ‘I don’t know. Am I your boyfriend?’ 

Johnny laughed, looked down. ‘You wanna be?’ He looked up at Daniel.

‘You gonna take me to Prom, Lawrence?’ Daniel nudged him in the ribs.

‘You’re an asshole,’ Johnny said.

‘Yeah. But I’m your asshole.’ 

Johnny looked at him. ‘Are you?’

‘If you want me to be?’

Johnny kissed him again. ‘I do.’

**************************

Things changed quickly between Johnny and Daniel. After that first kiss, they were like any other young couple in the first flurries of their relationship. They couldn’t keep their hands off each other. The only difference was that they kept any displays of affection strictly behind closed doors. 

Lucille realised quickly that something other than friendship had blossomed between the boys. She couldn’t help but notice how her son’s face lit up around Johnny. She saw how happy the blond boy made him. Daniel’s leg was soon as good as new and she was glad that something good had come after so many months of rivalry and violence. Despite her happiness for him, she did have concerns and decided to broach the subject with her son.

‘Daniel,’ she started

‘Yeah Ma,’ he said as he shovelled a fork of food into his mouth.

‘You and Johnny.’

Daniel stopped, his fork halfway to his mouth. ‘What about us?’ he asked with trepidation.

‘I know what is going on, you know. The way you two look at each other. You think I have never seen a couple in love before.’ She smiled.

Daniel put his fork down. ‘Uh…. yeah.’ He looked at his mother. ‘You’re not upset, are you?’

‘No, honey. He’s a nice boy and I'm happy if you're happy. I just want you guys to be careful. Not everyone is as understanding as me. And you know, I hear terrible stories of young boys getting…. you know…. sick. You will be careful, won’t you.'

Daniel winced. He hadn’t wanted to have this conversation with his mother. ‘Ma….’

‘I know. You don’t want to talk with me about this. But just reassure me that you are making good choices. That I don’t have to worry.’ She smiled, patted his hand.

‘Yeah, but….’ He stopped, looked at his ma and took her hand. ‘We’ll be careful, OK. We haven’t…. you know…’

She shook her head. ‘Just….be careful, OK. Both of you.’ 

‘We will, ma’ Daniel smiled. He kept eating.

‘Do you love him?’ she asked.

He stopped. ‘I think I do.’ 

Lucille smiled. ‘Then I'm happy for you’ She laughed. ‘Hey, at least I don’t have to worry about anyone getting knocked up.’ 

Daniel almost choked on his food. ‘Ma!’

‘What?! I’m just saying, I’m too young to be a grandmother.’ She kissed him on the head and took her plate to the kitchen.

*************************

Johnny and Daniel were laid out on Daniel’s bed, holding hands, talking about their future.

‘I was thinking we would apply for the same college. Somewhere we can be together, you know. Where no one knows us,' Daniel was saying.

Johnny rolled over and sat up. ‘Daniel, I am planning on going away. Like far away.’ He hesitated. ‘I was thinking New York.’ He looked at Daniel, waiting for his response.

‘Really. That is far.’

Johnny signed. ‘I want to go away. Get away from everything. Make a fresh start somewhere new.’

Daniel sat up. ‘What about your family?'

Johnny snorted. ‘They don’t care. Sid would love to get me out of the house.'

‘And your ma. Would she care?’ 

Johnny stood up. ‘She made her decision. I can’t be near them anymore. I want to get away from everything.’ He crouched down in front of Daniel, took his hands. ‘Will you come with me?’

Daniel looked at him, into those familiar blue eyes. He hesitated. Could he leave? Leave his mother? Everything he had made for himself. Move away with Johnny. He knew New York, had connections and family there. It wouldn’t be that much of an upheaval. It might almost be like going home.

He made his decision then and there. ‘Yeah, Johnny. I’ll come with you.’

Johnny’s face lit up with a smile. ‘You will?’

‘Yeah. Why not,’ he laughed.

Johnny wrapped his arms around Daniel. ‘That’s amazing. I love you.’

Daniel stopped, moved back. ‘You just said you love me.’

Johnny looked into his eyes. ‘I do, Daniel. I love you. You make me feel…. shit…. I don’t know how to describe it. You make me…. happy.’

Daniel smiled. ‘I love you too, Johnny.’

They kissed.

Johnny pulled back. 'I want you to have this. My mother gave it to me years ago and I want you to have it.' He unclasped the crucifix necklace he always wore. 

'Oh, Johnny. No, it's yours. I can't take it,' Daniel protested. 

'Daniel, please. I want you to wear it.' Johnny put it around Daniel's neck. He stood back. 'It looks good on you.'

Daniel smiled. He reached up and touched the cool metal in his fingers.

***************************

They lay on Daniel’s bed. Johnny kissed Daniel, running his hands up the boy's chest. Johnny broke away to pull his t-shirt over his head. Daniel ran his hands up the boy’s back, feeling his soft, firm skin. Johnny moved down and kissed Daniel’s neck. Daniel gasped as Johnny moved his hands down to the waistband of Daniel pants. 

‘Johnny,’ he gasped.

Johnny stopped. ‘Are you OK?’ he looked worried, backing off.

‘No, I’m good. I just wanted to say, I love you.’

Johnny smiled. ‘I love you too.' He kissed Daniel again. Johnny took the hem of Daniel’s t-shirt and pulled it over Daniel’s head. 

The boys continued to kiss and touch each other. Daniel kissed Johnny’s shoulder. He opened his eyes and looked down Johnny’s back. He stopped.

‘Johnny?’

‘Oh, what now?’ Johnny sat back with mock annoyance. ‘You're driving me wild.’

‘What’s that on your back?’ Daniel asked.

‘It’s nothing.’ He moved to kiss Daniel’s neck.

‘No, Johnny. What happened?’ He put his hands on Johnny and moved him, looking at his back. There was a bruise, large and yellowing. It had been there a while and had been bad when fresh.

‘Nothing, OK. Just drop it,’ Johnny said, moving away.

‘I’m not gonna drop it. Did he do that?’ Daniel asked with anger.

‘It’s nothing. We argued, Sid pushed me. I must have fallen into something. Please just drop it,’ Johnny pleaded.

‘He can’t keep getting away with it, Johnny,’ Daniel said sadly.

‘It doesn't matter. I’ll be gone soon. A few more months and we will be on the other side of the country.’ Johnny smiled. ‘Just think Daniel, a few months from now, you and I will be in New York. And soon it'll be Christmas. We can go skating in Central Park. I've always wanted to skate in Central Park. I bet it's so romantic.’

Daniel laughed. Johnny looked so happy. ‘New York gets cold in winter, Johnny. You’re sure you are ready for it? You’re not exactly used to it.’

He smiled. ‘I’ll wrap up. Plus, I’ll have you to keep me warm.’ 

Daniel kissed him and they fell back on the bed. Johnny moved his hand down, put it inside Daniel's underwear. Johnny took hold of him. Daniel closed his eyes and moaned as Johnny began to move his hand. 

‘You like that,’ Johnny murmured.

‘Hm Mm,’ Daniel murmured in confirmation. 

Johnny kissed him as he stroked faster. Daniel’s breath sped up in time with Johnny’s hand. He wasn’t going to last long. He cried out as he came into Johnny’s hand. Johnny continued to stroke him through his orgasm. 

‘Oh god, Johnny,’ Daniel gasped.

Johnny’s breathing was heavy, his eyes wide as he looked into Daniel’s. ‘Was that OK?’ he asked.

‘That was amazing. Have you ever done that before?’ Daniel asked.

‘Only on myself,’ Johnny smiled, wiping his hands on the bedsheet.

‘Ew, Johnny. Not on my bed.’ 

Johnny moved his hand to Daniel’s face. ‘You wanna lick it off.'

‘Oh no, Johnny. Gross! Get that away from me.’

Johnny laughed as he wiped his hand on an old t-shirt of Daniel’s.

'You really know how to kill a mood, Lawrence!'

**************************

Daniel and Johnny were becoming bolder with each other, learning what each other liked. Daniel liked to be touched lighter, Johnny liked it firmer. They could spend hours with each other but had never gone all the way, still hesitant, neither knowing what they were doing.

Johnny started making plans for their move. He hadn’t told his mother or stepfather, didn’t see the point. He didn’t care what they thought of his plans so why discuss it. It would only end in an argument.

Daniel would smile as Johnny showed him parts of New York where they could live, close to the school they wanted to attend. Johnny planned to study sports science and physiotherapy and Daniel to study history. Johnny had never been to New York and insisted they lived in Manhattan. Daniel knew the city and worried they couldn’t afford it, suggested some of the other boroughs. Neither of them cared as long as they could be together.

They still stayed at Daniel’s place but sneaked into Johnny’s room when they could. He had a bigger bed and his parents were rarely at home. 

Spring wore on and the boy's exams got closer. Johnny and Daniel agreed that they should spend a little more time apart, give each other the space to study. Instead, they would sit on the phone in the evening, catching each other up on their day.

Daniel had told his mother about their plan to leave for New York and although she was going to be sad to see them go, she understood. Lucille knew that Daniel’s choice of partner would be a shock to her family and had suggested that she speak to them before Daniel attempted to introduce them. She had put him in touch with a friend of her brother who lived with his boyfriend on the Upper East Side and had agreed to give them a place to stay until they could find a home of their own.

*******************************

Lucille was out and Daniel and Johnny sat on the floor of Daniel’s apartment listening to music, bickering over what to listen to. Johnny had just come from the store with the brand new Ratt album, Invasion of Your Privacy, which Daniel hated.

‘How can you hate this? It’s awesome,’ Johnny argued.

‘It’s so cheesy. They're just a poor man’s Motley Crue.’

Johnny clutched the record to his chest in mock outrage. ‘What a thing to say?’ 

‘You listen to that shit on your own time, Lawrence. When you’re in my house we listen to my choice.’

’Fine,’ Johnny sulked, putting the record back in his bag. ‘Hey, can I borrow this?’ He picked up Daniel’s cassette of Van Halen’s 1984?’

‘What happened to yours?’ 

‘Tape deck chewed it up,’ Johnny said, putting the tape in his Walkman.

Daniel laughed. ‘Looks like you are helping yourself.’

Johnny smiled sweetly, fluttered his eyelashes at Daniel, and blew him a kiss.

Daniel got up and walked into the kitchen. ‘Ma left some food. You wanna heat it up?’

Johnny followed. He jumped up and sat on the kitchen counter as Daniel cooked.

‘You are so uncivilised, Lawrence’ Daniel said as he nudged Johnny’s legs out of the way. 

‘You love it.’ Johnny wrapped his legs around Daniel. Daniel struggled, untangled himself.

‘Just let me cook. Get out of the way.’

Johnny reached over and turned the radio on. It was tuned to Lucille’s favourite radio station. Tina Turner’s What Love Got to Do was playing. Johnny jumped down and began dancing, grinding his hips against Daniel as he stood at the stove.

‘Jesus, you are so annoying,’ Daniel exclaimed. 

‘Come on, LaRusso. Dance with me.’ Johnny put his hands on Daniel’s hips. 

‘But the food will burn.’

‘I don’t care about the food’ Johnny wrapped his arms around Daniel and moved to the music. 

Daniel turned the stove off and began to dance with Johnny. The song changed and Foreigner’s I Wanna Know What Love Is came on. Johnny pulled Daniel closer. They swayed to the music.

‘Are we really doing this?’ Daniel asked, laughing.

‘If you’re taking me to prom you gotta learn to dance, LaRusso.’

Daniel stopped moving and looked at him. ‘What makes you think I’m taking you to prom? I might have another date lined up.’

‘Shut up.’ Johnny kissed him. Daniel kissed him back. Johnny pulled away. ‘Oh, I love this part.’ Johnny sang loudly. ‘I wanna know what love is! I want you to show me!’

Daniel laughed, moved back to the stove. ‘You sing like the cats in the alley out back.’ 

*******************************

The day was hot and Daniel and Johnny were cramped on Daniel's small bed. They had a fan going but it didn’t seem to penetrate the hot air, just felt like it was blowing the hot air around. Johnny was in his jeans, had thrown his t-shirt to the floor, soaked with sweat. Daniel had stripped down to his underwear. 

‘I can’t bear this heat. You said New York was cooler, right? That sounds amazing right now.’ Johnny put his forearm over his head, closing his eyes.

Daniel turned around and kissed Johnny on the cheek, threw an arm over his chest. ‘You’re so hot, Lawrence,’ he joked.

‘Ew, don’t touch me. I'm too hot for you to touch me’ Johnny complained, pushing Daniel’s arm away from him.

‘Johnny, you have a home with a pool. Can we go there?’ Daniel asked. He knew that Johnny didn’t like going to his house, didn’t want to run into his stepfather, but Johnny had to agree the pool was tempting. Johnny’s house also had air conditioning.

‘OK. Let me just call home. See if anyone is in’ He rolled off the bed and pulled his t-shirt on. He left the room and walked over to Daniel’s phone. He dialled and listened to it ring. Nothing.

‘Looks like they are out. Let’s head over there.’ 

Daniel jumped up. ‘Yes!’ He grabbed his clothes. ‘I cannot wait to get in that pool’ He opened a drawer, dug through it, and pulled out a pair of swimming shorts. He practically skipped out of the room. Johnny walked behind him, laughing at how childlike Daniel was when he was excited.

‘Ma! We’re heading over to Johnny's,' Daniel called. 

‘Have fun boys. Johnny, are you going to come back for dinner. I have a great new pasta sauce recipe I was to show you.’

‘Sure, Mrs LaRusso. That sounds great.’

Daniel kissed his mother on the cheek before he left. Johnny kissed her on the other cheek, making Lucille laugh.

‘Get out, both of you.’

They ran outside, jumped into Johnny’s Avanti, and headed to Encino. 

Johnny pulled onto the driveway. The cars were all gone. ‘Looks like we are all alone.'

They both went straight through the kitchen to the doors to the patio, changing in the pool house. Daniel ran to the pool and threw himself into the water. He disappeared to the bottom and resurfaced.

‘Oh my god! How do you live here? This is amazing!’ Daniel cried as he swam to the edge. The water felt amazing, the temperature perfect for the weather.

‘Don’t get used to it, LaRusso. As soon as we get away, there's not going to be any more big houses and swimming pools. None of that comes with me,’ Johnny said

‘What?! What the hell am I even with you for? I expected to be a kept man!’ Daniel laughed and swam away as Johnny kicked water at him from the edge of the pool. 

Johnny walked round to the diving board and executed a perfect dive into the water. 

‘Show off,’ Daniel snorted.

They swam until their hands started to prune and climbed out. The house was still quiet as they climbed the stairs to Johnny’s room.

‘I’m going to jump in the shower, get the chlorine out of my hair,’ Daniel said, grabbing a towel.

‘Sure.’ Johnny laid on the bed. He jumped up. ‘In fact, I’ll join you.'

As Johnny and Daniel giggled and made out in the shower, they didn’t hear a car pull up in the driveway.

Once clean and dry Daniel and Johnny sat on Johnny’s bed. Daniel pulled his clothes back on and Johnny reached for his clothes.

‘No. Leave them off,’ Daniel teased as he kissed Johnny. Daniel laid down on top of Johnny, reached his hand under the towel. Johnny closed his eyes as Daniel stroked him and kissed his neck.

‘What the fuck is this?!’ They heard a voice behind them.

Daniel stopped, looked at Johnny. Johnny’s blue eyes were wide with fear. Johnny turned his head and looking at them was Sid. His face was red, twisted with rage. 

Daniel jumped away from Johnny, who moved back against the headboard of his bed.

‘I said, what the fuck is this!’ Sid moved towards them. ‘This is what you are doing in my house! You fucking perverts,’ he spat at them. 

Daniel stood up. ‘Just hold on, man….’ he protested, not finishing his sentence before Sid punched him in the jaw.

‘No!’ Johnny cried as Sid grabbed Daniel by the arm and dragged him towards the door. Johnny was pulling his jeans on as he chased after them. Sid was dragging Daniel down the stairs. Daniel was dizzy and his mouth was bleeding. 

‘Get the fuck out of my house, you fucking fag!’

Johnny ran after them ‘Get off him, please. Sid, please,’ he pleaded. 

Daniel stumbled on the stairs and Sid continued to drag him. Daniel was trying to break free but was no match for Sid who was so much bigger. Sid pulled him to the front door, opened the door with one hand as he held onto Daniel’s arm with the other. His grip was like a vice, his nails digging into Daniel’s arm.

He threw Daniel out of the door, onto the stone floor. Daniel hit the floor hard, the wind knocked out of him. He jumped to his feet but the door slammed on him. Daniel banged his fists on the wood. 

Sid turned to his stepson, who stood at the bottom of the stairs. Johnny tried to back away but Sid quickly took hold of him. He pushed Johnny to the wall, wrenching his arm behind his back, twisting it sharply. Johnny cried out in pain.

‘You bring that pervert into my house, you fucking degenerate,’ he hissed at him. Johnny had been on the receiving end of Sid’s anger many times, but he had never seen him this angry before. Sid was out of control. Johnny tried to move away but Sid started to drag him up the stairs. He twisted Johnny’s arm further, ripping at his shoulder. Johnny cried out in agony as they moved up the stairs. He stopped struggling, terrified that Sid was going to break his arm if he fought him. Johnny had tears in his eyes as the tendons in his shoulder stretched painfully, his shoulder pulling out of its socket. He let Sid lead him back to his room.

Sid pushed him through the door, threw him to the floor. Sid was over him, throwing his fists down. Johnny curled up, covered his head as the blows rained down on him. Sid stepped away from him, breathing heavily.

‘I knew there was something wrong with you, boy, but I didn’t take even you for a fucking fag!’

Sid stepped back, looked around. He turned towards Johnny's desk, put his hands on it and upended it onto the floor. Johnny flinched as the desk fell on its side, paper flying everywhere. Sid turned to the shelf of trophies, swept them onto the floor. They littered the room, glass frames smashing. Johnny put his hands over his heads, protecting himself as they fell about him. Sid picked up a trophy, a wooden shield with a heavy metal base and threw it at the TV, the screen shattering, glass flying everywhere.

He turned back to Johnny, who looked up at him. ‘You’ll stay here until I decide what to do with you.’ He looked around Johnny’s ruined room. ‘And clear this shit up.'

Sid slammed the door behind him. Johnny heard the door lock from the outside. He looked at the destruction around him, slowly climbed up onto his bed and put his arms around his head. He began to cry.

Daniel was on the front step, banging on the door. He could hear shouting coming from inside and was scared for Johnny. Suddenly the door opened, and Sid stood there.

‘Get the fuck off my property,’ he said. 

‘Where’s Johnny?’ he demanded.

‘You’re not going to see that boy again. Now get off my property before I call the police, have you arrested for trespassing.’ Sid's breathing was heavy, but his voice was calm.

‘Is Johnny OK?’

Sid turned, closed the door. ‘Go home,’ Daniel heard him shout. Daniel turned and hurried away.

A while later Lucille looked up as Daniel ran into the house. He was gasping as if he had run the whole way. He collapsed on the floor and started to cry.

‘Daniel, honey. What happened? Where’s Johnny?’ she ran to her son. 

Daniel looked up and she saw the blood on his face, his cut lip. ‘Oh my god, what happened?!’

Daniel tried to speak between sobs. ‘Johnny’s stepfather, he caught us together. He went crazy. I need to call Johnny. I need to check he's OK!’ 

Daniel moved past his mother, grabbing the phone. He dialled Johnny’s number. It didn’t connect. Daniel ran his hands through his head, paced the room.

Lucille moved in front of him, took his face in his hands. Daniel sobbed, tried to swallow down the lump in his throat.

'Oh ma, it was awful. I'm scared for Johnny. His stepdad…. I’ve seen what he can do. He'll hurt him, I know it.'

He began to cry and Lucille held him.

********************

Johnny sat on the floor of the room. He had collected as much of the broken glass as possible, righted his desk, picked up his broken trophies. When he was younger this had been one of Sid’s favourite punishments, to destroy Johnny's belongings. Johnny had lost count of the number of things that had been bought for him, just to be destroyed later over some small infraction. He remembered being a child again, remembered being made to throw his broken toys in the trash after suffering Sid's rage.

No one had been to see him. One day turned into two. He had tried the door over and over, hoping that next time it would open, that it was all a mistake and he wasn't locked in. By the third day, he was sick with hunger. He found some small snacks around his room, a discarded couple of Twizzlers in the trash, a crushed half bag of chips in a school bag but nothing else. 

Johnny had opened his window and looked down. His window opened onto the patio, a sharp drop to the hard stone below. He couldn't jump. Johnny had looked around, considered the glass roof of the conservatory to his left. He could jump but it was too risky. If he missed or landed badly, he was going to seriously hurt himself or worse. Johnny sighed. He wasn't getting out this way.

Johnny was sitting on his bed when he finally heard the lock on his door turning. He looked up as his mother came in.

'Come down for dinner.' She turned and walked out, not looking at him. 

Johnny got up and followed her. She didn't say anything else to him as he followed her down the stairs. His hands were shaking. He felt like he was walking the final mile.

He stepped into the dining room. His mother sat down. Sid was at his usual place at the head of the table. Sid watched Johnny as he made his way around the table and sat down.

Johnny looked down at the food on the plate. He was so hungry but suddenly he felt too sick to eat. He looked up at his mother, whose eyes were on her hands in her lap.

'Mom, I'm sorry. I should have told you,' he said.

'Don't you speak to her,' Sid said. Johnny winced. He looked around at Sid. Sid threw something at him. A pamphlet.

'What's this?' He picked it up.

'This is where you are going, boy. They are going to straighten you out, do whatever needs to be done to get that filth out of your head.' 

Johnny looked at the front page. Fairford House. A picture of a large stone building, the pamphlet spoke about therapy, helping young people to understand their disorder, help cure them, help them to reduce homosexual tendencies, to explore a heterosexual lifestyle.

'You're sending me here? But what about college?' He looked at his mother. 'Mom. I was gonna go to college?'

'You'll go where I tell you,' Sid barked. 'They'll knock some sense into you.'

'But I was going to New York with Daniel.'

Johnny jumped as Sid slammed his fist on the table, pointed his fork at Johnny. 'Don't you say that fag's name in this house.'

'Stop calling him that. I love him. Mom, look at me. I want to be with him.'

Johnny's mother started to cry softly, not looking up. 

'You ungrateful shit,' Sid sneered. 'Everything we've done for you and this is how you repay us. By messing around with that...boy. You'll go, or I swear to god, I'll lock you in your room and leave you to starve.'

Johnny looked down at the pamphlet. 'Wh... when am I going?'

'You're leaving tomorrow. I've arranged it. Six weeks. If they can fix you by then, we can talk about college. But you are not to see that boy again, you hear me!’

Johnny nodded, knew that arguing was pointless. He put the pamphlet aside and began to pick at his food. 

After dinner, Johnny helped his mother clear away. As soon as Sid left the room, he spoke to her, trying to plead with her.

'Mom, please. You can't send me to that place.' She turned to walk away. He grabbed her arm. 'Please look at me. Please don't make me go.'

She turned and looked at him. 'You'll do what he says.'

'Why, mom? Why do you let him bully us?'

'He's been good to us. Given us a good life.'

Johnny laughed bitterly. 'Some life. I didn't want any of this. It's all just things, Mom. We didn't need any of it.'

'You don't remember what it was like before him. We had nothing.'

'I was happy back then.' Johnny looked at her angrily. 'Just because you were happy to prostitute yourself to that man, it doesn't mean I was!'

His mother's blue eyes flashed with anger as she slapped him. Johnny's hand flew to his face, the cheek warm, his eyes wide with shock. His mother had never hit him before.

'Go to your room. You're leaving tomorrow. I don't want to see you.’ She said, her voice cold.

Johnny turned and fled, running up the stairs, his vision blurred with tears. He slammed his door behind him.

Johnny picked up the phone on his desk, desperately wanted to call Daniel. He knew there would be no dial tone, the line had been disconnected. Johnny sat heavily on his bed.

A little while later Johnny heard soft footsteps outside his room. 

'Mom?'

The key in the lock turned, locking him in. He heard his mother's voice. 'Go to bed, Johnny.'

************************

Johnny had hardly slept when he heard the key in his door at 7.30 the next morning. He was already dressed, rucksack sitting at his feet.

His stepfather looked down at him. 'Come on. We're leaving in thirty minutes' He turned and left. Johnny got up and followed.

Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw breakfast on the table. His stomach did somersaults, but his body needed food. He began to eat, his stepfather sitting opposite him. His mother was nowhere to be seen.

'Uh...so where is this place?' Johnny asked.

'San Jose. We have a long drive,' Sid responded, not looking at him.

Johnny nodded, went back to his breakfast.

Thirty minutes later they were in the car, Sid behind the wheel. Johnny sat, staring out the window, his rucksack at his feet. It was a five-hour drive and they expected to get there just after lunch. Johnny didn’t know how he would get through five hours in such proximity to Sid and decided that he wouldn't speak unless Sid did.

Johnny watched as the city went by. He put his hand on the door handle. He felt the urge to jump out. They stopped at traffic lights. Could he do it? The lights changed and the car moved. He breathed and looked out the window as they pulled onto the freeway.

The hours went by and they didn't speak to each other. Sid had the radio turned to talk radio, politics, and would grumble to himself about what he heard. The angry chatter coming from the speakers was giving Johnny a headache, but he didn’t say anything. He closed his eyes, tried to block out the sound.

Johnny looked up as they started to see signs for San Jose. They drove through the city and they entered the surrounding country. They drove for a few miles along a wide quiet road, trees on either side. Sid turned left at a set of large gates surrounded by a stone wall. The gates opened and they drove up a long, gravel driveway. The car stopped in front of some stone steps. There was a man in a suit standing at the top.

Johnny looked out of the window. Sid turned to him. ‘Out.' 

Johnny hesitated, looking at the building. He opened the door. Sid got out. Johnny walked up the steps, Sid behind him. 

The man in the suit stepped forward, extended his hand. ‘Johnny?’ 

‘Uh… yeah,’ Johnny muttered, shaking the man’s hand.

‘I’m Dr Reed. Welcome to Fairford House. I’ll be your therapist while you're here.’

‘I don’t need a therapist,’ Johnny muttered bitterly. 

The man smiled kindly. ‘I hope not, but let me be the judge of that, huh.’

Johnny shrugged. 

‘I’m sorry, we don’t allow residents to bring personal belongings,’ the doctor said, nodding towards Johnny rucksack. ‘We like to think that people leave the person they were at the door, including any possessions.’ He smiled.

Johnny pulled his bag off his shoulder and passed it to Sid.

‘Mr Weinberg, we’ll take it from here. Johnny is in good hands’

‘Thanks, Doc.’ Sid left, not speaking to Johnny as he left, not saying goodbye. 

Johnny watched the car turn on the gravel and drive away. He turned to the doctor.

‘Come with me, Johnny. I’ll show you around, let you get settled.’ The man turned. 

Johnny took a deep breath and followed. The doctor led him through large wooden front doors, into a long reception room with a red and white stone floor. He was led down a wide corridor. 

‘Down this corridor is the therapy rooms and my office. At the end is the dining room where you’ll eat with the other boys. We like to keep everyone separate most of the time but feel it is important for you to get to know others here. We also have sports teams you can join. Soccer, football, basketball, whatever you want to get involved with. We feel that friendly competition is healthy, part of your recovery.’

They turned a corner, the doctor leading him up some stone backstairs. 

‘Up here are the rooms. You’ll have a room to yourself. Bathrooms are down the hall. We have a strict lights-out policy at 10 pm. We won’t lock you in, but anyone found out of their room after that time will be punished.’

He carried on talking as he walked. ‘We don’t allow personal belongings, nothing will be delivered to you, nothing to be sent out. No contact with the outside, we don’t want anything that can derail your progress. No horseplay, no running inside the house, you’ll attend appointments and meals promptly. If you miss a session with me or anyone else, you’ll be punished. Any questions?'

‘No,’ Johnny muttered.

They stopped outside a door. ‘This will be your room. You are expected to keep it tidy, make your bed. There will be inspections. Understood?’ 

Johnny looked at the door, nodded. ’I understand,’ he said quietly.

The man nodded and Johnny opened the door. He looked at the small room, single bed, a desk, and a closet. 

‘There are clothes in the closet, bedsheets. If you need anything let me know. Bathrooms are down the hall where there is soap and toiletries for you. You don’t bring anything from the bathrooms back to your room. No food from the dining room.’ 

The man looked around. ‘OK, I will leave you to it. It’s 2 pm now. I want to get started right away so our first session will be at two-thirty, room twentyfive, downstairs. Dinner will be at 8 pm promptly. You go down the back stairs, you do not use the main staircase, you understand?’

Johnny nodded. The doctor left, closing the door behind him. He turned and looked around the room. Johnny looked out of the window over the desk, down at a soccer field below him. It was empty. He opened the closet and there were shelves of grey sweatpants and t-shirts, some sweaters. There was a drawer full of underwear and socks. 

Johnny sat on the bed. He felt like he was in a nightmare, in the small room by himself, surrounded by grey walls. He didn’t know what to expect for the next six weeks. His stomach cramped with anxiety. 

He wondered how many boys had sat in this room before him, sent away from their families, treated like they were sick, something to be cured. 

Johnny thought about Daniel, about the months that they spent together. They had been so close to getting away. Johnny had not even been able to call him before he left. Daniel would have no way of knowing what has happened to him. 

Johnny knew that Daniel would never have let anyone send him away, that he would have fought harder than Johnny had. Daniel had always been stronger than Johnny, Johnny had seen that last year when they had fought in the tournament. A lifetime ago.

Johnny looked at the digital alarm clock on the desk. The clock read 14:25. He sighed and got up. Johnny headed down the corridor, found the stairs and started towards the office. The house was silent around him. It felt like he was here alone but knew that somewhere in the building there were others, probably just as scared as he was.

***************************

It was 7 pm when Johnny headed back to his room. He sat on his bed, put his head in his hands. 

His first session had been a gruelling four hours where every aspect of his life had been dissected and analysed. He had answered endless questions about his childhood, teenage years, girlfriends, his relationship with Daniel. It had been intense. The doctor had referred to his ‘illness’, trying to find what had gone wrong in his life to drive him towards Daniel. He had been told that they were looking for ‘trauma’, that something must have happened to lead him down the wrong path. It had been suggested that he didn’t love Daniel, that his feelings came from self-hatred, that he was sabotaging his own life on purpose. That he hated his family and was punishing them.

Johnny felt sick. The thought of enduring this for six weeks made his knees feel weak. He didn’t know how he would get through it. 

He couldn’t believe any of it. His time with Daniel had felt so right, the doctor must be wrong. How could something that felt so natural be an illness? 

Johnny ran his hands through his head, took a deep breath. He would endure it, for Daniel. As soon as he got out Johnny could find Daniel, be with him. He had to stick it out. 

Johnny knew he would be expected at dinner at 8 pm. He didn’t know how he could eat but knew he would be expected to. He wanted to wash the day off first. Johnny took some clothes from the closet and headed down the corridor to the bathroom.

He stepped into the bathrooms. They were simple, toilet stalls down one wall, basins and open showers at the back. There would be no privacy here. A part of Johnny thought it was funny that a place dedicated to stopping same-sex attraction would allow them all to shower naked together, but he couldn’t find it in himself to laugh. 

At 8 pm on the dot, Johnny walked into the dining room. It was a large cafeteria with three long tables. He looked around. The room was already filled with the low murmur of voices as thirty pairs of eyes looked up at him in the doorway. All boys, teenagers of different ages, all dressed in the same outfit as Johnny. Grey sweatpants, dark blue sweaters. Johnny could see he was one of the oldest in the room, only a few looking like they were of similar age. 

He moved around the room, feeling the boys watching him. Johnny took a tray and went to collect some food. Once his tray was full, he headed towards the tables. He didn’t care who he sat with, had no interest in speaking to anyone. He kept his eyes lowered, sat down. He looked up and the boy opposite gave him a small smile. Johnny didn’t respond, looked back down at his tray. 

Johnny ate his food, forcing it down. It tasted like sawdust. He just wanted to get some food in him and leave. He swallowed his food as quickly as possible and got up. Johnny felt an arm on his hand. He looked down at the boy who was holding him.

‘No,’ the boy muttered. He nodded to the front of the room where Dr Reed stood, watching the room. ‘He’ll tell us when we can leave,’ he said quietly.

Johnny nodded, sat back down. ‘Thanks,’ he muttered.

‘No problem. I’m Ben,’ the boy said.

‘Johnny,’ he replied. Johnny fixed his eyes back on his tray. He ignored everyone around him. An hour later the man spoke. ‘OK, back to your rooms. Lights out in an hour.’

Johnny jumped up and headed towards the door, pushing past the crowd of smaller boys. He just wanted to be alone.

**************************

The next morning there was a knock on Johnny’s door. The doctor let himself in. Johnny was sitting on his bed. 

‘Good morning, Johnny. How did you sleep?’ Dr Reed asked, smiling.

‘OK,’ Johnny said.

‘Good. I hope everyone is making you feel welcome. I wanted to give you your schedule for the next few days. You’ll spend most of it with me, so I can understand you. Then we start on the appropriate treatment for you.’

‘Treatment? What kind of treatment?’ Johnny asked. The word treatment made his stomach drop. It conjured images of old-fashioned crazy houses, the kind he saw in old movies, doctors experimenting on helpless patients. It terrified him.  

‘That depends on my diagnosis. We use several therapies here. Which one you respond to can be trial and error,’ he said, smiling kindly.

‘Will...will they hurt?’ Johnny asked quietly.

The man laughed. ‘Don’t worry. We won’t do anything to you that hasn’t worked on many boys before.’ He patted Johnny on the shoulder and left the room.

Johnny noticed that the man hadn’t answered his question. 

**************************

The next two days were much like the first. Johnny spent hours with the doctor, going over and over pieces of his life. Johnny would say something and the doctor would dissect it, analyse it, make Johnny repeat it, pick apart inconsistencies, question Johnny’s feelings, beliefs. Johnny felt like they were trying to chip away at him like they were trying to find all his weaknesses and his uncertainties and heighten them. He wondered if this was what it was like to be brainwashed. It terrified him that their methods may work, that he would leave a different person than he arrived, that he wouldn’t recognise himself.

The one emotion that Johnny recognised, that he could understand, was his anger. He was angry at his mother and his stepfather. It was their fault that he was here. Sid had always been cruel but he would never forgive his mother. As soon as they let him out he swore he would never see them again. 

But Johnny also knew to keep his anger to himself. In three short days Johnny had realised that any emotion would be used against him; to try and prove that there was something wrong with him. 

He saw himself in the faces of the boys at mealtime. He saw the sadness and anxiety. Most didn’t attempt to talk to each other, choosing instead to stare down at their meals.

In his personal time, Johnny decided to take advantage of the grounds. He didn’t have any interest in taking part in sports, but he did go out onto the fields to run. He ran and ran, enjoying the physical exertion. 

He would run until he couldn’t breathe, until all he could feel was the ache in his legs. He would stop now and then do push-ups on his knuckles like he used to, pull-ups on anything he could reach, burning his arms out until he could only lay on the grass, looking at the sky.

Four days in and Johnny was due another ‘therapy’ session. He didn’t consider this real therapy. These were brainwashing sessions, nothing more. Johnny was determined to get through them, steel himself against them. As long as he said what they wanted he could get out of here.

Johnny entered his doctor’s office and noticed there was a second person in the room, a woman. She smiled at him as he entered.

‘Johnny, I want to introduce Miss Morrison. She is going to observe today. I want to try something different with you today, gauge your responses. Is that OK?’

Johnny knew he didn't have a choice, knew that even to be asked was just to give the illusion of choice that didn’t exist. ‘Sure,’ he shrugged. He sat on the couch.

There was a TV in the room. Dr Reed got up and turned it on. ‘I want you to watch the screen and we can discuss your thoughts on what you see.’

The screen came to life and Johnny looked at two men kissing. The two men started to undress, touching each other. Johnny looked with confusion at the doctor.

‘Just watch the screen, Johnny.’

The actions of the men on screen became more intimate, more urgent. Johnny continued to watch, and the two men began to have sex. It was graphic. Johnny looked at the doctor again in shock. 

‘Johnny, stop looking at me. Watch the screen,’ the doctor said again.

Johnny stared at the screen, feeling numb to what he was seeing. Did they expect him to get aroused? Fat chance of feeling anything with these two weirdos watching him. Johnny had never thought to seek out this kind of material. It made him uncomfortable to watch. 

The scene changed, the acts on screen becoming progressively more extreme, more graphic. 

The scene changed again. The next one was horrific. It was violent. Johnny was watching a man being raped. He turned away, couldn’t bear to watch anymore. The sounds coming from the TV made him cover his ears. It was awful.

‘Johnny, watch the screen,’ the doctor said sharply.

‘No!’ Johnny jumped up. ‘You’re all sick!’

‘Johnny. Sit down,' the doctor demanded. The woman next to him took notes. The sounds were still coming from the TV.

Johnny sat on the edge of the couch, looking at his hands. The images on the screen continued. Johnny refused to look at it but could hear it. The doctor eventually turned the TV off. Johnny’s hands were shaking. 

‘Why would you show me that?’ he asked.

‘Tell me your thoughts?’

Johnny laughed. ‘My thoughts? You’re sick, that’s my thoughts.’ He was angry and couldn’t hide it anymore. ‘You’re all sick. You are the one obsessed, not me, man. You’re the one who owns that fucking video.’

The doctor watched him, didn’t say anything. Johnny started to pace with his arms wrapped around himself.

‘Why the fuck am I even here?’ he said to the doctor. ‘I just want to go home.’

‘You want to get better, don’t you? Become a better person?’ the doctor asked.

‘There's nothing wrong with me! No! I’m done. Just let me go back to my room. I’m done talking for today.’

‘OK, Johnny. That’s fine. You can leave. Head on back to your room and we’ll speak later.’

Johnny looked at him and hurried towards the door. He got out into the corridor and started running. He ran back into his room, slamming the door shut and threw himself onto the bed. He thought he could get through it, but this place was torture. He thought of six weeks and felt his throat close with anxiety. He wasn’t even a week in, and he didn’t know if he could take anymore.

A little while later the door opened behind him. He turned. Dr Reed stepped into the room.

‘Johnny, are you OK?’ he asked

‘No. I just want to go home,’ Johnny said

The man put his hand on Johnny’s shoulder. ‘I understand. It can be hard. We have lots of work to do, but I promise you it will get better, get easier.’ 

Johnny nodded. He didn’t want to talk anymore, just wanted the man to leave.

‘We’ll see you tomorrow for our session. Now get ready for lunch and afterwards you can take some time to yourself. I think tomorrow we are ready to start your real treatment. You want that, don’t you?’

Johnny looked at him. His brain screamed at him to say no, to shout it from the top of his lungs but he knew it was pointless. ‘I suppose.' He knew what the man wanted to hear.

‘Good boy.’ The man left him alone.

****************************

Johnny sat back on the sofa. He was enduring another session of being told all the things that were wrong with him. Dr Reed had told him that yesterday’s reaction to the video proved his theory that Johnny had anger issues. 

‘Have you ever thought that your lifestyle choices can be attributed back to your anger issues? Your need to punish your parents? You knew it would hurt them.’

‘The boy you chose, from the other side of the tracks. Perhaps you had romantic notions, it satisfied some need to create a dramatic story for yourself. Star crossed lovers from across the social divide.’

‘You have heard the stories of what happened to men who act as you did. They die. Aids is going around and boys like the one you chose to associate with are the ones spreading it. What would you call that other than self-harm?’

Johnny had heard them all, they were swimming around his head. He had confessed his anxiety to his doctor, given him something. Something to work on, other than Johnny’s relationship with Daniel, hoping the doctor would back off. Instead, he had a new ‘treatment’ in his diary. Dr Reed took him downstairs, through the ground floor and down some stairs to the basement. The doctor talked as they walked. Johnny was told that they would work on his anxiety first, then his anger problems. They had a treatment that they had some success with. 

Johnny was torn between just getting through the six weeks so he could move on with his life, put this whole experience behind him, and fight them tooth and nail. He thought of Daniel. Daniel always told Johnny that he lacked patience. Johnny decided on the former, to get through this, do what they asked and get away.

He was taken to a tiled room with sunken baths in the floor. The room was cold, goose-pimples immediately breaking out on Johnny’s arm. He looked towards the baths and noticed the ice on the surface. He looked at his doctor.

‘Ice baths, Johnny. Very effective for calming nerves, anxiety disorder, depression. They have been used for centuries.’ 

Johnny nodded slowly, almost not comprehending. ‘You want me to get into that?’ he asked.

‘Not for long. We’ll start by testing your tolerance.’

Johnny looked at the bath. He had sat in ice water before, used it to soothe his legs after sports. It was always uncomfortable at first, but he knew he could handle it. He breathed. He had almost expected worse. 

Johnny began to strip off. He wasn’t going to give them the satisfaction of fighting it. And Johnny knew that was what it would be, satisfaction. This man wasn’t a doctor. He was a monster who wanted Johnny to suffer. Johnny knew deep down that this man didn’t care about truly healing anyone, that he just broke people down. Johnny hated him.

He stood in his underwear, shivering. 

‘All of it.’ 

Johnny pulled his underwear down, stepped out of it. He stood on the end of the bath and took a breath. He put his foot in. Shit! It was deep. This wasn’t like his baths at home where he covered only his legs. The water felt like needles on his legs, like his skin was being burnt. Johnny breathed and told himself that it couldn’t really hurt him.

He climbed in and kept his lips in a tight line, trying not to cry out as the cold wrapped around him. He was bracing himself on the sides of the bath, up to his waist. He knew once he let go, it would go up to his neck. He breathed again and lowered himself.

‘God!’ he cried. The cold was like a vice around his chest, he couldn’t breathe. He could feel his heart rate accelerate. This has been a mistake, it was unbearable, like thousands of knives. He struggled to get up.

‘No, Johnny. You need this’

Johnny looked up at the doctor. He closed his eyes, tried to control his breathing. He could handle this, he told himself. He had to. 

After what felt like a lifetime the doctor spoke. ‘OK, Johnny. You can get out.’

Johnny leapt out of the water, crawled onto the edge of the bath, taking deep breaths. Someone draped a towel over him, and he wrapped it around him, trying to warm himself. He was shivering so hard it was making his teeth chatter.

‘You did well, Johnny. How do you feel?’ Johnny couldn’t speak, didn’t respond. ‘It’s OK. You can go back to your room now. We’ll talk later.'

Johnny didn’t stop to collect his clothes. He held the towel, getting out of the room as quickly as possible. He ran to his room and threw himself onto the bed, pulling his bedclothes around him. He was wrong. He couldn’t handle it. He was going to die in this place if he had to stay any longer. 

He got up, looking for clothes. He pulled out sweatpants and a sweater, starting to put them on. He needed socks. In his rush, Johnny dropped them, and they rolled under the bed. He reached under. They were against the back wall, out of reach. 

Johnny got onto the floor, shuffled under the bed, reaching for them. He looked up, at the underside of the bed and stopped. There was writing on the bed frame. Some in pen, most scratched. He started to read.

‘Mickey was here ‘79’

‘Richard O’Brian - 1982’

‘Fuck this place’

‘Homo 4eva’

The whole bed frame was covered in them. Names, dates, jokes, words of encouragement. 

‘Doc sucks dick’ Johnny read that one and laughed. 

‘Patrick is hot’

‘Elliott, class of 81’

‘Jesus loves queers’

All the boys who had been here before Johnny, had been through what he had been through. He smiled for the first time since arriving. Johnny began to feel emotional as he read the messages, could feel tears in his eyes. He wondered how many boys had come across these accidentally, just like he had. Johnny no longer felt quite so alone. 

Johnny climbed to his feet. He looked around him. The cold of the bath was forgotten. He needed something to write with. He had an idea. Johnny picked up his mattress. The mattress was sitting on springs between the wooden crosses of the bed frame. The springs were held together with hooks around the edges. He pulled one of the hooks off.

Johnny climbed back onto the floor, back under the bed. He used the metal hook to scratch the wood.

‘Johnny and Daniel forever - 1985’. He scratched a heart as best he could. 

Johnny looked at his work. He put his fingers on the writing. He hoped that the next person who stayed in this room would find it. Those messages of defiance helped him. He knew what he was going to do. He wasn’t staying in this place for six weeks. Johnny was done.

**************************

The next day and another therapy session, another ice bath. Johnny endured. He knew he was leaving. He had to get through another day and he would make a break for it that night. 

Dinner came and went. He was on edge. He didn’t know what he was doing, didn’t know if they had guards or if doors would be locked. He had no plan. He was just going to run for it and hope for the best. If they caught him, he would handle whatever punishment they had for him. Nothing could be worse than doing nothing. He had been taught to be a fighter and that was what he was going to do.

Johnny ate dinner, knowing it may be the only meal he had in a while. He had no money, no ID, nothing. He didn't even know where he was. He hoped he could hitchhike back to LA but would settle on anywhere for now. 

Night-time came and the lights went out. Johnny sat on his bed, staying away. He looked at his clock. 00:34. He waited. 

03:00. As soon as the clock changed, he decided to move. He could feel his heartbeat in his chest as he opened his door. Johnny said a silent thank you that they didn’t lock the bedroom doors. He crept down the corridor. He was wearing sneakers, a t-shirt, sweatpants, and a sweater over the top. He had nothing to take with him, no possessions. 

Johnny moved down the corridor. He crept down the back stairs. He found a back door that led to the grounds. They were locked. He expected them to be. Johnny’s plan lacked finesse but it was all he had. He picked up a pot plant from a side table and threw it at the window. The window smashed with a crash and Johnny jumped through and ran. He knew where he was going. There was a part of the wall that had a large tree next to it. He had done pull-ups on the branches during his workout sessions and he knew he could scale it quickly. Then he would jump the wall.

Johnny knew he was taking a risk. The wall was high, and he would have to jump down the other side. He didn’t think about it, just ran. 

Johnny saw lights go on as he sprinted across the grass. He thought he heard voices but didn’t stop to check. He was nearly at the tree. He hit it and jumped, using his speed as momentum. Johnny took hold of the branches. He climbed up and started moving across the larger branches. Johnny could see the wall below him. He climbed down onto the wall.

Johnny knew he could hear voices now, could hear shouting. Johnny looked down at the drop below him. Luckily, there was grass on the other side. He didn’t have time to think. He threw himself down and rolled as he landed. Thank god his karate training had taught him to fall safely.

Johnny was on his feet in an instant and began to run. He was on a road. He sprinted with everything he had. He was running for his life. There was a tree line a few metres back from the road. He ducked into them for cover and started to move parallel to the road, back the way that Sid had driven a week ago. Branches scratched him as he went, he could feel them on his face, scratching at him, but he ignored them. Johnny looked back up at the house. The lights were on. They would soon know someone had left but it would take them a while to figure out who. He carried on moving through the trees.

He heard tires on gravel. They were coming to look for him. He was glad for the tree cover. The gates opened and a car pulled out. Johnny ducked down as lights passed him. He carried on moving in the dark as the car continued down the road. 

********************

Daniel looked out of the window, into the night. The weather had taken a bad turn these last few days. The rain hammered down, torrential. He watched rivers of water run down the street. It looked like the rain would never end. He looked at the swimming pool, the water filling it up slowly. If this rain continues, I might get to actually swim in it, he thought.

He closed his curtains, blocked out the night. Daniel turned back to the TV, watching a movie. He had spent a lot of time over the past days at home. He hadn’t had the appetite for going out. 

He missed Johnny. Daniel hadn’t heard a word since that day at his house. The day that Sid caught them together. Daniel had gone to the house many times. No one would speak to him and in the end, a police officer had visited his home. A complaint had been made and he was officially warned to stay away. Daniel had told the police officer what had happened, how worried he was for Johnny. He had been told that it was a ‘private family matter’ and he should not get involved. The police had certainly not been interested in getting involved. What a family wanted to do with their teenage son was not a concern of the police.

Daniel was scared.  He was scared for Johnny, scared for what Sid had done. Was he hurt? Was he even alive? He didn’t know what Sid was capable of. The man had been so angry, out of control. He could have done anything, whether he meant to or not. Daniel’s mind kept wandering to the worst scenarios. Johnny lying at the bottom of the stairs, having fallen during the fight. Johnny lying on the hard marble floor after being knocked over the railings above. 

Daniel pulled his knees to his chest, wrapped his arms around them. He laid his cheek on his knees, listening to the rain. His hand moved and idly played with the gold cross around his neck. 

Daniel woke to a sound outside the apartment. He was used to knocks and bumps outside, the weather so bad, the wind moving things about. His neighbours often walked past their window to reach their front door. The walls were paper thin so they would pick up on conversations, music being played too loud. Daniel rubbed his eyes and looked up. He had fallen asleep. The rain still hammered on the windows. 

There was a soft sound outside the door. That was what had woken him, someone was outside. Daniel got up, peered out the window. The windows were steamed up from where the warm apartment met the cold of the window. He couldn't see anyone. 

Daniel got up and made his way to the door. He looked through the peephole and still couldn't see anyone. Maybe he imagined it. Daniel opened the door and looked about, there was no one there. He looked down and gasped. Someone was sitting on his doorstep. He recognised that blond head.

‘Johnny,’ he said. 

Johnny looked up at him. He was soaked, wet through to the bone, his clothes sodden with water. ‘Daniel.’ 

Daniel crouched down and took hold of Johnny’s face in his hands. He kissed his wet mouth, couldn’t believe it was him. 

He pulled away. ‘Johnny. I was so worried.’ He helped Johnny up. Johnny was cold, shivering. Daniel put his arms around Johnny, practically carrying him inside. He closed the door behind him, and Johnny sat heavily on the carpet.

Daniel got to work. He ran to the closet and found towels. ‘I need to get these wet clothes off of you. You’re gonna get pneumonia.’ 

Johnny nodded, put his arms up as Daniel pulled his sweater over his head. His t-shirt came next. Daniel began to dry Johnny with a towel. He rubbed Johnny’s hair, trying to stop the water trickling down Johnny’s back. Daniel had so many questions but needed to get the boy dry first.

‘Johnny. Let’s get you to the bathroom, get you in a warm shower. Then we can talk.’

Johnny just nodded, letting Daniel lead him to the bathroom. Johnny stood, leaning on Daniel as Daniel pulled his soaked sweatpants off. His soaked sneakers, socks and underwear were all removed. Johnny truly was soaked through to the skin. His clothes lay in a wet heap.

Daniel turned the shower on and helped Johnny in. Daniel noticed for the first time that Johnny’s arms were covered in scratches, some had been bleeding. He had two scratches on his face. 

Johnny stood under the warm water and his shivering started to subside. Daniel sat on the toilet seat as Johnny showered. As he finished up, Daniel went to his room and found some clothes. Johnny was taller than him, but Daniel found some pyjama pants that would fit and a t-shirt. He found a pair of thick socks. Johnny turned the shower off and Daniel handed him a towel.

‘Thanks,’ Johnny muttered. 

Johnny went back to the living room and sat on the sofa. Daniel sat next to him and threw his arms around him. 

‘Johnny, I was so scared. What happened to you? I was so worried.’ He was talking a mile a minute. ‘I went back to your house. They wouldn't see me, wouldn't tell me anything.'

Johnny looked at his hands. He wanted to talk but could feel the lump in his throat. He knew that if he talked his emotions would take over.

‘They locked me in my room, made arrangements for me to be sent away.’ Johnny’s eyes were filled with tears, he let them fall. ‘They sent me to this place. Tried to cure me of….us. They kept on saying I was sick, that there was something wrong with me.’ Johnny couldn't talk anymore. 

Daniel held Johnny as the boy cried, letting out the emotion of the past week. Daniel wrapped his arms around him, trying to comfort him. He was frightened. Johnny was hysterical, shaking in his arms. His breathing was fast, as if he was hyperventilating.

‘It’s OK, Johnny. You’re safe. You don’t have to talk now. You’re safe.'

Johnny looked up at him and nodded.

‘Do you want something to eat? Some tea? Then let’s get you to bed.’

Johnny nodded. Daniel kissed him on the forehead and got up. Johnny sat back on the sofa, trying to control his breathing as Daniel worked in the kitchen. He came back a few minutes later with a mug of tea, sweetened with plenty of sugar, and some heavily buttered toast on a plate.

He sat down and passed the plate to Johnny. Johnny smiled at him and took the plate. He began to eat. He suddenly realised how hungry he was. The last thing he had eaten was a candy bar twelve hours ago.

Daniel watched Johnny as he ate. When he was finished, he handed Johnny the mug of tea. ‘Do you need anything else?’ 

Johnny shook his head. ‘I just want to sleep for a while. We can talk afterwards.’

‘Of course, Johnny. Let’s get you to bed.’ 

They got up and Johnny practically sleepwalked to Daniel’s room.  He was staggering on his feet from exhaustion. He fell onto Daniel’s bed and curled up to sleep. Daniel left him and as he closed the door, Johnny was already asleep.

Daniel closed the door as the door to the apartment opened. His mother was home.

‘Daniel,’ she called. ‘Why is the carpet all wet?’ 

*********************

Johnny slept on and off through the night and the next day. He was exhausted, his body needing rest. Daniel didn’t disturb him, slept on the sofa. Johnny woke to the sound of rain outside the window. He rolled over, thought about the last forty-eight hours. 

Johnny had run through the woods for miles until the road opened up. He hadn’t dared flag down a car until he was further away. He had known that by now they would have realised that he had run away, that they would be looking for him. 

When he couldn't run anymore, Johnny had walked. He hadn’t realised how far from the city he was. The sky started to become light as he walked. Eventually, Johnny hit a freeway. He put his thumb out, trying to flag down a ride. The traffic was thin with early morning commuters and no one stopped. He gave up and continued to walk. 

Johnny had walked through the suburbs for most of the day, reaching the city in the late afternoon. He was exhausted. He and found a place to rest, sitting behind a dumpster under a bridge. It wasn’t the most comfortable place to sleep, but he was somewhere he could put his head down for a few hours without being bothered. 

When Johnny had woken it was early evening and the sun was going down. He needed to figure out how to get back to LA. He had walked until he found a truck stop attached to a small diner. He walked into the diner, looked around. 

A woman looked up from behind the counter. ‘Hey, honey. You looking for something?’ She studied him.

Johnny knew how he must have looked. He was filthy, covered in mud from walking for miles in the woods. He had no money for food but was so hungry.

‘I’m sorry ma’am. I just need to get to LA. I wanted to see if anyone is going that way and can give me a ride.’

The woman smiled. She turned to one of the men sitting at the counter. ‘Jerry, you’re heading that way?’ He looked up from his coffee. ‘You feel like helping the kid out?’

The man turned on his stall, looked at Johnny. ‘You need to get to LA?’

‘Yes, sir.’

The man snorted. ‘Sure kid. I’ll give you a ride.’ He turned back to his coffee.

‘Thank you.' Johnny sat in one of the booths. He put his elbows on the tabletop, running his hands through his hair. Johnny heard a bell behind him as the door to the diner opened. He jumped in his seat, turned quickly. He breathed as a man walked in, trucker hat over his eyes, and sat at the counter.

‘Hey Bev,’ the man said to the woman behind the counter. 

Bev was watching the boy in the booth. She had seen how afraid he had been when the door had opened behind him. She walked around the counter and placed a can of Cola in front of him.

Johnny looked up at her. ‘Oh, I don’t have any money.'

She smiled. ‘It’s on the house.’ She studied him. ‘You’re not running from the cops, are you?’

‘No ma’am. I just…. uh...needed to get away.’ He opened the can.

‘Problems at home?’ she asked.

‘Something like that,’ he muttered. She smiled and walked back to the counter.

Jerry got up, left some notes on the counter. ‘See you next time, Bev.’ He walked over to Johnny. ‘You ready?’

‘Yes, sir.’ Johnny got up, finishing his Cola. He looked at Bev. ‘Thank you for the drink.’

‘No problem, honey. Good luck.’

Johnny followed the man to a large truck parked out back. The man turned to Johnny.

‘You’re not gonna get crazy on me, are you?’ he asked.

‘No. Not if you don’t.’ 

The man laughed and opened the driver side door. ‘Climb in.’

They got on the road and were silent for a while. ‘I’m heading to LAX. You gonna be able to make your way from there?’ 

‘Yes, sir. That would be great.’ 

‘Hmm,’ Jerry grunted. 

They drove in silence for a while. The silence was broken when Johnny's stomach growled. 

'Hey, kid. You hungry?' The man asked.

'Uh, yeah. I haven't had a meal in a while,' he confessed.

'There's something in the glove. Help yourself.'

'Thank you.' Johnny found a chocolate bar and started to eat.

'So kid, what happened? What are you doing out here all by yourself? You not got any family?' He asked.

Johnny sighed. 'It's a long story.'

'We've got a long drive,' he said.

‘I don’t know if you want to hear it. You might not want to give me a ride if I told you,’ he confessed. 

‘You kill someone?’ 

Johnny looked at him. ‘No, nothing like that. I…. uh…. fell in love with someone. The wrong person. My parents sent me away and now I’m trying to get back.’

Jerry looked round. ‘Ah. Young love, right. So, what was the issue? She from the wrong side of the tracks?’

‘Something like that.’ 

‘I do love a good love story. Just don’t end up like Violette and Alfredo.’

‘Who?’ 

Jerry looks at Johnny incredulously. ‘What are they even teaching you kids in school nowadays? La Traviata. Verdi’s opera. About young lovers who waste too much time worrying about what others think of their relationship. Ends in tragedy.’ He chuckles. ‘As do most operas.’ 

Johnny just looked at him, not knowing how to respond.

‘What?’ Jerry says, pretending to be shocked. ‘You think a guy who drives a truck can’t listen to a little opera?’

Johnny laughs, raising his hands in mock surrender. ‘I didn’t say anything.’

‘Hmm,’ Jerry went back to driving. They settled into silence. 

Johnny breaks it first, saying tentatively. ‘She is a he.’

‘Hmmm. What?’

‘You said she. It’s not she, it’s he. That was the issue.’ Johnny waited to see the man’s response. 

‘Well. That does sound like a difficult situation’ he said thoughtfully. ‘You love this guy?’

‘I do,’ Johnny said, smiling.

‘He worth all the shit that’s gonna come with trying to make it work?’

‘I think so.’

‘Then fuck what others think. Life is too short. One day we’ll be dead and no one will even remember us.’ He looked at Johnny and smiled. ‘Be happy. Nothing else matters.’

Johnny looked at the man for a moment before facing back to the window and watching the freeway pass by.

*****************************

Daniel opened the door, found Johnny awake. ‘Hey. How are you?’ He sat on the bed, took Johnny’s hand.

‘I’m OK. Thanks for last night,’ Johnny said.

‘Don’t thank me, Johnny. What else was I gonna do?’ They sat in silence for a moment. ‘Is anyone gonna be looking for you?’ Daniel asked.

Johnny shrugged. ‘I’m not going back there.’

‘What was that place?’ Daniel asked. ‘You said last night there were doctors. What did you mean?’

‘They were trying to cure me.... of you, I suppose. This place claimed it could cure people of, I don’t know, being gay.  I had to go through these therapy sessions, they kept on telling me I was sick, like I was insane. This doctor would talk to me for hours, analysing me.’

'Jesus, Johnny,' Daniel breathed.

'I had to get away. I just got out and ran. He said I had anger issues, that I was only with you piss off my stepdad. They said I was ruining my life on purpose.'

Daniel was quiet for a moment. 'Are they right?'

'What?'

'Are they right? Is that true? That you're just with me to piss Sid off?'

'No, Daniel. I'm with you because I love you.' Johnny held Daniel's arms.

'You said you were ruining your life.’ Daniel looked sadly at Johnny.

'No! They said that, not me. It isn't true,' he protested.

Daniel stood up. 'I think we need some time apart.'

'No Daniel. I love you.' Johnny took hold of Daniel's hand, looked up at him.

'Johnny, this is all so fucked up. Your parents sent you to a nuthouse because of us. No one is going to be happy about this. Are you ready for that? This is going to be so hard. We have been together for a few months and have already gone through so much. Is this really going to make you happy?'

'Yes. I don't care what people think. I’m happy with you.'

Daniel looked at Johnny. He paused, said carefully. 'Johnny, you've never had to fight, to work for anything. You don't know what the world is really like. You lived in a rich, secure bubble. The world is tough, and this is only going to make it harder.'

Johnny stared at Daniel, couldn't believe what he was hearing. ‘I…. Daniel…. I fought for you. I fucking…...what I went through at that place...the things they said, they did.'

'Maybe you should have stayed there. Let them help you. It would have made things so much easier,' Daniel said quietly. He turned to leave.

'Daniel, what are you saying? You don't want to be with me? We were going to go to New York, be together.' 

Daniel took a breath. 'No, Johnny. I'm staying here. Let's be honest. This, you and me, it's better if we just end it now.'

Johnny jumped up. 'No! Don't say that, Daniel. I love you. Don't you love me?'

Daniel didn't respond, looked at Johnny sadly.

'Daniel? Do you love me?' Daniel didn't respond. 'Please answer me?' Johnny begged.

Daniel steeled himself, clenched his fists, looked at Johnny, his eyes hard. 'No, Johnny. I don't.' 

Johnny stared at him. 'You don't?' 

'That's what I said. No, Johnny. I thought I did but it was just a stupid childish crush. We never had a real future together.'

Johnny stepped back, sat down on the bed in shock. 

Daniel turned towards the door. He looked back at Johnny. 'You can stay here until you figure out where to go. I'll go and sleep on the couch.' He closed the door, leaving Johnny alone.

Johnny stared at the door. He was numb. He eventually laid back on the bed and looked up at the ceiling. He didn’t cry, he just thought. He was alone, truly alone in the world, had no one. He couldn’t go back to his family, his friends had moved on, Daniel didn’t want to be with him. He needed to figure out what to do next. 

Johnny decided he was leaving, as soon as possible. Far away from California. Starting again.

Daniel walked into the living room. He sat on the couch and moved onto his back. He could feel a lump in his throat, could feel tears prick his eyes. He rolled onto his side, facing away from the room. 

Johnny had lost so much because of him. Daniel thought back to when he had arrived in California, not even a year ago. He remembered looking at Johnny across the school parking lot, surrounded by friends, popular, karate champion. Over the past months, Daniel had chipped away at all of that, taken everything from him. He thought of the boy in the other room with nothing, no family, his only possessions the soggy clothes currently drying on the radiator. Daniel had taken too much, had ruined Johnny’s life. He wasn’t going to ruin it anymore. He loved Johnny too much.

Daniel put his fist to his mouth, tried to silence his sobs as his shoulders shook and tears soaked his pillow. He would have to let him go.

***************************

When Daniel woke the next morning, his eyes stung. He looked at himself in the mirror. His eyes were red and swollen from crying himself to sleep. 

Daniel crept to his room. The bed was empty. Johnny’s clothes from the radiator were missing. Daniel walked around the apartment, checking for Johnny. He was gone. Johnny had taken all the money from Daniel’s wallet and left. He hadn’t even left a note. 

Daniel sat on the couch. His mother let herself into the apartment. 

‘Hey, honey.’ She looked at her son’s stricken face. ‘Are you OK? Where’s Johnny?’

‘Oh ma, he left.’ Daniel began to cry.

‘What do you mean he left?’ She sat down, put her arm around him.

‘He’s gone,’ Daniel sobbed. ‘I told him I didn’t want to be with him, and he left.’

‘Why would you say that?’ Lucille asked. She had seen how Johnny’s disappearance had affected her son. She had been thrilled for him when Johnny had returned.

‘I was so scared. He had been through so much because of me. I just thought he would be better without me. And now he’s gone.’

Lucille looked at her son. ‘Don’t you think that Johnny was the best person to decide what’s best for him?’

Daniel stared at her. ‘Did I make a mistake, ma? Letting him go?’

‘I don’t know, son. But you know what they say. If you two are supposed to be together, you will be. He’ll come back to you.’

Daniel hugged his mother.

***************************

Johnny sat at the bus station waiting for his bus. He had a one-way ticket on the next Greyhound bus to New York. He felt bad about taking Daniel’s money but decided not to think about it too much. He needed to get away. He had nothing with him, was wearing the clothes he had left Fairford House in. He looked up at the bus schedule. His bus would be leaving in forty-five minutes. He had a sixty-hour journey ahead of him, transfers in Oklahoma City and then again in Pittsburgh. He had no idea what he would do once he got to New York.