Chapter Text
It was 6 am when the city of Seoul started to come alive. People began their activities for the day. Some had just woken up, some were on their way to work or school, and some.. some never went to sleep.
While all the other windows of the apartment were as dark as the night sky, there was one window which never darkend. Asahi didn’t find a reason to turn off the light. Why would he sit in the dark willingly when he already knew that tonight would be another sleepless night.
Asahi had always liked the silence, but recently the silence had grown into loneliness. Nowadays he was too scared to turn the music off. The quiet beat in the background kept Asahi from losing himself to the chaotic world that hid inside him.
He had periods like this sometimes. The music from his speakers didn’t quiet for nights, and the neon fairy lights illuminated his room in cold shades of blue. Though harsh on his eyes, it was the only source of colors in his life right now. When the other members were asleep, one person was always awake. Staring into the void of the night. Stuck in his own thoughts, in his own world.
Why things ended up like this was still a mystery to Asahi himself. He couldn’t quite understand why he felt the way he did, and besides he didn’t want to spend too much time thinking about it. The times he actually thought about his feelings, he would usually end up lying on the floor. Harsly grabbing his hair, trying to hold onto something while tears blurred his vision. Soundlessly gasping for air, trying his hardest to not make any sounds. The last thing he wanted to do was make his other members worry.
It had always been there, the feelings and thoughts. Hanging over him, pushing him down. Suffocating him slowly.
It was as if someone sat on his chest. The lungs weren't able to get the oxygen they needed, a constant fight against himself, against everything.
Just the thought of leaving his room felt like an impossible task. Eating and going to the bathroom to keep up with his normal hygiene seemed unimportant. Why would he care about that when he was obviously fighting a war inside of him.
Still some days were better than others. Other worse than worst.
There were days he would lay in his bed, stare at the upper part of his bunk bed. Stare as intense as he could although he wouldn’t actually be able to see anything. His eyes couldn’t focus. All he could see was just a haze of colours and unclear shapes. For hours he would lay there whispering: I’m alone in this universe. Over and over he would repeat saying it, once he started he wasn’t able to stop.
After awhile you get the point where you don’t really feel sad anymore. Asahi didn’t feel sad, he simply felt nothing at all. You start to question what is real and what is not. Is it all an illusion? Is he really laying in his bed right now or is it all in his head? If I’m all alone in this universe, will I always be stuck with these thoughts in my head?
His body felt as though it wasn’t his. He was only but a soul weightlessly swaying in the air. Glaring at the body everyone thought was his. Watching as his friends lived their life. Happy and at peace.
In a moment of sober thoughts, Asahi checked the clock beside his bed. It had been five days since Jaehyuk told him that he would be away for a couple of days. Asahi felt pathetic. He didn’t want to depend on Jaehyuk’s presence to be able to actually breathe for once. Nor did he want Jaehyuk to feel stuck with him, or guilty for enjoying some free time.
Slowly the feeling of remorse swallows him whole. Bringing him back to the void of unclear shapes and hazy colors.
All he wants right now is for Jaehyuk to come home.
-
Jaehyuk could sense that something was wrong when he stepped into the apartment. Although it was late in the night, Haruto and Jihoon were sitting in the kitchen speaking with hushed voices. Haruto with his face in his hands and Jihoon shaking his leg anxiously.
It’s been a week since Jaehyuk said he would take some days off. Their company was generous enough to give him free time after all their hard work. Constant attention, cameras stuck in his face and long, boring interviews had taken a toll on him, and now he wanted nothing more than to leave his phone at home and disappear for a week.
So that was exactly what he did.
He chose to spend the week with some old schoolmates, sleeping on the couch at his friends house. At first it was lovely but after a couple of days he started to miss his members. Even though his days were full packed with stupid (but funny) activites, he felt as if something was missing.
After stepping into the apartment, he took off his shoes. He carefully placed his steps, not wanting to make a sound, painfully aware of the tense atmosphere hanging in the air.
Jaehyuk was slowly making his way towards his room -- "Thank God you're here dude. Where the fuck have you been?" Jaehyuk freezes mid step, turning towards Jihoon’s strained voice.
Jaehyuk looks around him confused if Jihoon was actually talking to him or not.
“What do you mean? I thought I told you I would be gone for a few days.” He knew it was kind of late and he probably should have come home sooner considering their schedule tomorrow, but Jaehyuk didn’t think it was bad enough to get scolded at 3am.
The shadows dressing Jihoon’s face made him seem at least 5 years older. Stress and fatigue weighing his face down as though he had just had a disastrous week at work and the thoughts had not yet left his body and mind.
However Jaehyuk could see that it wasn’t just the shadows, his eyes appeared troubled and his posture seemed to be unable to relax.
Jihoon glances at Jaehyuk with troubled eyes, ”I swear he hasn’t slept for days. I’m not even sure if he has eaten anything.”
”He hasn’t, I’m sure. I’ve not even seen him leave his room yet,” from behind Jihoon’s shoulder, Haruto answers his worries.
Even though the upset boys didn’t say any more words, Jaehyuk already knew who they were talking about. With a heavy lumb settling in his stomach he looks towards Asahi’s room.
-
A quiet knock on the door tore Asahi out of his thoughts. He was too tired, both mentally and physically, to care about the knock and decide instead to stay in bed, hoping that the person who knocked would walk away eventually.
For a minute or so nothing happened. Asahi thought that it was probably Haruto trying to talk to him again. Knocking on his door, at first trying to get him out with nice words, but after a while demanding him to open the door. Haruto never dared to actually open the door though. He was either respectful toward Asahi’s privacy, or too scared of what he might see. Asahi could tell that Haruto truly cared, he would always send him short text messages.
From: ruto
asahi we made ramen~~
sent 04.22 pm
do u wanna watch a movie?
sent 11.53 pm
dude????
sent 11.58 pm
gn …. u should sleep
sent 02.30 am
From: main producer asahi
night
sent 03.46 am
Usually Asahi wouldn’t reply. But occasionally when Haruto seemed extra worried or stressed, Asahi would assure him that he was fine and actually alive.
It was sort of true. Despite the fact that it was difficult to breathe, and at times he almost wished he was dead rather than alive. He knew, in the back of his head, that this wasn’t the end,he still had a long way left.
Asahi has always had dreams and aspirations. He might often be quiet and passive, but he was a true Leo to his heart. No matter how gloomy life felt right now, Asahi told himself this was temporary, and it kept him going. It was just that some days and some weeks, were so fucking heavy.