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"Dazai?" I called for him, my gaze remaining on the night sky, as we lay on the wet grassy hill.
The dark clouds had dispersed a while ago leaving the shimmering stars and the full moon to shine in the night sky. There was a comfortable silence in the air as we enjoyed the sight above us as we lay six feet apart.
"Mm?" he hummed back after a beat, a clear sign that he was paying attention.
I contemplated my words for a moment before giving up on the idea.
"Never mind... It's nothing." I closed my eyes and sighed. After all, I knew the answers to all my questions already.
"Something bothering you, little Archer?" he turned towards me and flicked my upper arm. My eyes shot open and I glared at him.
"I told you that name in confidence!" annoyance clear in my voice, "Besides I'm only like four inches shorter than you, I'm not little!"
He looked smug. "Four inches is four inches, you're still shorter."
"You gonna start calling me a shortie too then?" I crossed my arms and raised my brow.
"Come now, you should know that's a special nickname reserved for Chuuya only!" he fake gasps and clutches his heart.
Honestly the dramatics ... But I'm no better.
I put my hand over my mouth and morph my face into that of shock.
"Oh my, you're right , how could I forget about the love of your life? I sincerely apologize for my indecency! My audacity !"
Dazai pulls a face.
"Don't you think "love of my life" is a bit of an exaggeration..?"
I contemplate it for a few moments but shake my head in disagreement.
"No. You really love him, you're just scared of losing him once you let yourself pursue him, so you tease him instead." I state after facing the brunette, "But you already know that."
"Am I... that obvious?"
"Well.. Yes and no." I hum as I pluck a strand of grass and twirl it in my hands, "To people like me- it's very obvious. However there are plenty of oblivious people who think that you really dislike him and fortunately or unfortunately for you he's one of them. I'd do something about that if I were you, before you lose him for sure."
Dazai plucks a piece of grass too and does the same as he thinks it over.
"I already lost him, I left the port mafia, remember?" he settles and after a moment adds on, "I made his car explode for heaven's sake. Sure it was to protect him from Mori's suspicion, but he loved that car."
"Dazai, we both know he cares more about you than some car. Chuuya has always valued his relationships and like it or not, you are a part of that, even if you left the port mafia. It's not unsalvagable." I lightly smack his face with the wet grass, "The trust and understanding you both have for each other is incredible. I wish I had something like that."
"Yeah, but you know better than anyone that it's not that simple." Dazai sighs and swats my face too in return. "I'm not ready."
I nod in understanding.
A few beats pass as we let the conversation settle.
"I get it. I know how you feel."
"Oh?" he turns to face me again, examining my features carefully with a smirk as he asks, "Do you?"
I sit up and look him straight in the eye. "I do."
He seems baffled for a moment, before schooling his expression into something else that resembles hesitancy, "You do..?"
The corner of my lip tugs up slightly before falling, "Of course. Why do you think we get along so well even after all the crazy shit you've pulled?"
Silence stretches on as he contemplates it.
I carry on.
"You know, before? When I called you? There were so many things I wanted to ask you, but I realized that I already know the answers to every single one of them. That's why I said nevermind."
He quirks his brow, "Like for example?"
I snort but there's no heart behind it.
"Oh you know... Something along the lines of " Are you okay? " and " Are you happy? " or " How do you have the strength to carry on after everything that has happened to you? " and I know already."
"Ax..."
"No, listen, I know, okay? I know better than anyone that you're not okay, that happiness while not being impossible to achieve, isn't a frequent visitor and doesn't stay for long and I know that you're tired and you don't have the strength, which is exactly why you keep pulling those suicide attempts."
He's quiet now, there's nothing much to say to that.
"And more than anything I know that even after Oda told you that you won't find a reason, even if you know you won't find one, you're still looking for it." my voice starts to tremble and my eyes tear up, but I keep talking, "Dazai, I know all too well what it's like and I wish there was something I could do to stop this pain, but there isn't and I hate it so much. I'm tired of it too."
You know, when I called his name I thought I'd strike up a conversation about our issues and give him a long needed hug, but after my explanation I ended up crying and he was the one who reached out to hug me. Isn't it funny how things never go quite as you plan them out?
But I know Dazai and as much as he's trying to comfort me with that hug, he's also trying to comfort himself so I squeeze back just as hard.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to end up bawling, it just happens when I talk about it."
He squeezes a bit harder.
"Oh don't I know it, little Archer... Don't I know it..."
I bury my face deeper in his chest and speak over his heart.
"We'll be okay though. Even if we're not really okay. We'll somehow manage. And I hope we both find that reason one day and maybe then you can pursue Chuuya and I can find someone for me."
"And here I thought we'd commit double suicide together, Ax you wound me!" he fake gasps.
That's how we deal with things. By joking around. And so I join in, drying my tears with my sleeves.
"Oh come on, you know I love you, but if anyone's going to die together it's going to be you with Chuuya when you both reach old age."
Dazai laughs. And it's such a beautiful sight.
"But you know... if it doesn't work out with Chuuya, I'm always free." I wink and blow him a kiss.
He laughs even harder at that but not in a demeaning way.
"You know when I dragged you out to enjoy the rain I never thought we'd end up watching the stars and talking about this." he quiets down and smiles "But it's a pleasant turn of events nonetheless. I wouldn't have it any other way."
In that moment the world feels just a bit lighter.
We realise that we have each other if things get just a bit tougher to deal with.
But as comforting as it is to have a backup plan, for some reason after this conversation, Dazai knows that things between him and Chuuya will work out even if it takes trial and error. They are double black after all. And Ax will find their own hatrack eventually too. Or so he hopes.