Work Text:
“It must be nice to go travel for a long time”
“Hm? You mean, to go fishing?”
“That will do. But maybe I can try anything else”
“…going to a desert island for example.”
I stopped my finger from typing. Take my eyes off of my PC to you who’s laying on my lap right now. You’re smiling. Unreadable. Like usual.
“You started it again..”, This is not the first time.
A sigh, then a chuckle. You avoided my eyes. You are still on my lap, but now you closed your eyes. Pretending to sleep?
“Hey, Satoshi..” I stroke your hair softly, trying to wake you up. I lifted your body so you could finally sit. But then I saw your tears. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
You shake your head.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
You shake your head once again, wipe your own tears and sighing again, “I’m Okay. I guess. Just like usual”
At times like this, I never know what should I do, so I wipe your remaining tears and kiss your eyes instead. Praying for your sadness to go away. “Okay, I wont force you, but don’t hesitate to tell me, okay? I might not stay in this home enough. But when I do, I’m all ears.”
A nod. And I know. You will tell everything when you’re ready like usual.
I kiss your lips, trying to assuring you that I’m here. Trying to assuring myself that you’re protected.
_
That’s what I thought.
_
I woke up at the first alarm. I blinked my eyes before I realized that I can’t feel the warmth that usually besides me. I checked my bed to find nothing and that’s finally wakes me up. Where are you?
I call your name. Peeking the balcony, checking the bathroom, the living room until I found a memo on my dining table.
“I’m sorry Sho-kun”
Your handwriting.
It hits my heart a bit harder then I expected, before it rushed my blood.
“Satoshi?” I’m starting to shout, wishing you just playing a hide and seek in this early morning. I call your name many times as I go back to the bedroom and pick up my phone. I’m trying to dial your number just when I found that your phone is still here.
I’m checking your belongings and your clothes. I don’t remember them all but I feel like some of it is gone. Where did you go?
“Went to the market?”
“Jogging?”
“Fishing?”
“No. It’s impossible. It’s impossible for him to go to the desert island. Hell, no”
I really hope you were really just go to fishing. But the thing is, you never go without telling me about it before. I know you love fishing. You always prepared it long before the actual day and you would never stop telling me your excitement. Even go to fishing for a few days were not a new thing for you. You’ve done it before. But you never go without a word. Like this.
There’s too much scenario, assumption and negative thoughts in my head. I don’t even understand it anymore. I got panicked. Is it because last night?
I know you’re not in your best condition. That’s what I thought and it makes me anxious.
I was surprised by my second alarm this morning.
Damn. There’s a meeting I need to attend.
I bite my bottom lip anxiously.
Okay, relax Sakurai Sho. Satoshi will be alright. Yes. He will be alright. Probably. At least most of his stuff is still here. He didn’t even bring his phone. He will be come back. He will.
I’m trying to convinced myself. I put down the memo back to the table, and go back to prepare myself to work.
_
I’m home.
Without any greeting welcoming me back.
Usually you are in the kitchen, preparing for dinner, or sometimes simply in the living room, browsing something with your phone, sometimes you are drawing too, anything it is. Doing something that you like. Which mean.
You were here.
But even for now, I didn’t feel any change from this home since the last time I left it this morning.
_
Day after day. You still haven’t come back.
I’m trying to contact your friends, your relatives, searching for some information.
I’m starting to believe that you might be really go to some adventures. Somewhere. I know this is not the first time. You’ve been talked about it many times before. You wanted to find yourself, you said. Wanted to see the other side of the world, you said. But I never permit you to go. Because, hey, going to a desert island is not an ordinary idea?
How the hell you would go to a desert island? There’s another way, I said every time. I always trying my best to be there by your side. Listening to your story, to your thoughts and worry, answering your questions, discussing other alternative with you, as long as it’s not going somewhere with uncertainty. Impulsively.
Sighs.
I haven’t lose. I pick your phone and trying to find some hint or else. I’m looking for your web browser history to find it already cleared off. You deleted all the trace. You even uninstalled all you social media. There’s only some photos in the gallery and..
Oh, notes! I tap the menu as my heart beating fast.
And I hold my breath.
There are….a lot of notes. You wrote it almost every day- no. you really wrote it every day. Especially these recent months.
I feel the ache on my chest. My hand is shaking. And I feel my tears starting to fall. For the first time after a long time.
“Satoshi..”
I read your notes with teary eyed. It’s not that surprising to be honest. The thing that you wrote on your note is basically the same thing you’ve told me. Many times. But of course, you elaborated it more deeply here.
You feel lost, you said.
You don’t know who you are, you said.
You don’t know what’s your value as human in this world, you said.
What’s the point of living, you said.
“What is the thing that I could do for my entire life, Sho-kun? I’m just nothing” Once you asked.
I remembered them all. I remembered all of our discussion. All of our plan. The spirit you said. Every warm hugs, all the calming kisses. Everything felt real and I always assuring myself that what I’ve done to him all this time was enough.
Oh. Wait.
I dropped your phone. Suddenly fed up.
I suddenly realized.
Was it not real all this time? You faked your smile? Your spirit and calming words was just something to ease me? Oh, apparently I’ve been blind and deaf all this time. I couldn’t feel a thing? I didn’t know that you’re still struggling every night? Just when I thought I’ve protected you enough.
Oh my God. I laughed myself out. I want to throw up.
Just as you know. I overthink everything, Satoshi. But every time I’m with you I feel at ease. I repressed all the bad thoughts. But now, when you’re not here with me, everything is like flooding my mind. I don’t know what is right and what is wrong. I got panicked? Chaotic? Angry? Sad? I don’t even know myself. I fed up with myself right now. I feel so small for making you this sad, Satoshi.
I throw your phone because I’m scared. I was so naïve right?
I end up drinking all the alcohol I have today until what I see is
The darkness.
_
One month past.
I’m still trying to work as usual.
I performed well and achieve something to pleasure my boss as usual.
As if there’s nothing wrong in my life.
I feel like I’m starting to get used to living in this small apartment alone. Just like before I met you.
Maybe my condition is more stable now. Or I thought. Honestly, I still thinking about many things at times, especially when I’m alone. I fell from my bed at night from time to time too. Thanks to all those nightmares. Pathetic.
“Give him some times” A friend, once said.
“I’m afraid he would do something dangerous. He wasn’t fine at that time. I don’t even know how is he doing right now”
“Do you think he’s that weak?”
A sigh. Sighing is my new hobby I guess. “To be honest, I feel like I don’t know anything about him anymore. I'm afraid feeling like I know everything while in fact I don’t understand a thing”
_
Months after months past. Not even one news. And I’m still alone.
I’m tired questioning everything. Maybe you are really go and wouldn’t come back here again.
I’m seeing one painting in front of me, above my couch. A pair of eyes with colors and abstract pattern. Your artwork. Your last piece.
It’s been awhile since your last masterpiece.
It’s Sho-kun’s eyes, you said. I love your eyes.
I really love it. I always see it in an awe. But right now, I’m seeing it with a sad feeling.
What an irony.
“Satoshi, will you ever come back?”
Come back home. Come back to making art.
_
How long is it? Half a year? Or more?
I’ve made up my mind since a week ago.
There’s no use feeling sad all the times. Waiting feels funny if I reminded that you never asked me to wait anyway. Joke on me really.
End this sorrow, Sakurai Sho.
There’s no anger. No sadness. No regrets. No hate.
I have to accept it. It’s what I decided.
It was before I know what I would see today. This morning. No, I mean. Right now.
That figure.
Is you.
The one that just shut my door is you.
You are wearing a thick clothes. Bringing a big carrier bag that looks bigger than your small body.
You straighten your body in surprised, and then smiling. So softly.
“I’m home”
This can’t be real.
I’m turning off all the voice inside my head and running to hug you tight.
Really tight.
Too tight.
I’m afraid. I’m afraid this figure of yours was just a phantom. At one point I thought my condition is getting worse that I’m starting to hallucinating. So I'm running to you to prove it. But then you hugged me back just as tight. I feel your warmth.
I’m crying. I can’t help myself. As I tightening my hold, I feel your tears also wetting my shoulder.
“Satoshi, I’m sorry..”, I don’t want to let you go.
“I’m back, Sho-kun..”
“I’m sorry”
“It’s not your fault, Sho-kun..”
“I’m sorry”
You didn’t answer me, just crying harder until I hear your voice softly, “Please forgive me too, Sho-kun. I’m sorry”
_
“No, I didn’t go to a desert island.”, you chuckles, “But I did go to many places”
“During travelling it feels fun at first”
“But as much as I go, I feel smaller each day”
“When I see around me, there are many kind of people. There are some who’s busy with their things like they know what are their value in this world”
“But there were also the one who’s unfortunate, Sho-kun. They didn’t even have a place to live. Don’t have something to do. Doing things with uncertainty.”
“So I looked up to the sky. In this big world, I wonder if there’s something that I could do to appreciate God for giving me life”
You are sighing. and then smiling.
“I…still don’t know who am I, or what is my value in this world, though”
“But as far as I go, I feel like going back here. to this home. Here, I know that I have you. I have something to do. I have something that I could do. Something that I love to do. I don’t know if my present all this time here is enough. But I’m so sure at that time that I wanted to meet you so bad"
"Because I feel safe, here, with you.”
“…and Sho-kun, I’m sorry for my selfish act. But... from the bottom of my heart, I'm hoping that you haven’t tired handling this part of me.”
“I want to find myself again. Back to working on something again. Trying a bit harder again..
..with you”
“M-may I?”
There’s hurt and warm inside my heart as I’m listening to your words. I’m not sure with my capability but,
“If you allow it..
..with my pleasure, Satoshi”
_