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As the melody came to a close, Lan Xichen’s fingers stilled over the guqin. The tune was one Muqin used to hum whenever they came to visit, more joyful perhaps than one would expect from a man in his current state, but it had never failed to comfort him.
And after everything that happened, Lan Xichen could use some comfort. Even if he did not feel as though he deserved it.
Xichen lifted his gaze to the heavens, to the place where more of his loved ones than not, currently resided, and let out a shuddering breath.
Fuqin, Dage, all the shidis and shimeis that had been lost in the war with the Wens, the ones who had been needlessly sacrificed during their war against Wei Wuxian...Meng Yao.
And the brightest one of them all: his Muqin.
Long ago, shortly after their Muqin had passed, Xichen had caught A Zhan sneaking out in the dead of the night to wait outside her door, again , waiting to be let in. A Zhan was stubborn and would not be deterred, no matter how many punishments he received.
But Xichen couldn’t stand to see his pain and frustration, mirrored as it was by his own heart. So on that night he had scooped up his darling baby brother and flown to the rooftops of their rooms. He settled down, holding little A Zhan securely in his lap.
Then he lifted his finger and pointed up at the sky. “Look A Zhan. See that star up there? That one there, that’s twinkling so brightly down at us? That’s our Muqin.”
Of course, A Zhan had given him that look. The one that said he did not appreciate being made a fool of. But Xichen pressed on, A Zhan was his responsibility after all.
“Don’t look so offended, Zhanzhan!” Xichen called him as Muqin had always done, knowing that A Zhan would sit up straighter and take the words to heart, as he’d always done with her. “It’s true! When someone passes from this world, they become a star in the night sky. That way they can always watch over their loved ones that were left behind.”
He crooked his finger, tapping A Zhan lightly on the nose. “I know what you’re thinking, Zhanzhan. How can the brightest one be our Muqin? Surely there are others who have also lost their Muqins too. But you know, I don’t think the same star twinkles brightly for everyone. How can it? We all see the world in our own unique way, after all. And see, there’s so many stars up there, right? So it's reasonable to think that the one that shines brightest for us is our Muqin, right?
Xichen had waited patiently for Wangji to come to his own conclusions, only continuing after he’d gotten a hesitant nod of affirmation. “So, if Muqin is always up there watching over us, there’s no need for you to keep waiting outside that house, Zhanzhan. Whenever you miss her, you only have to look to the night sky, and she’ll be right there, waiting for you, hm?”
When Wangji had stopped going to that house afterwards, Xichen had been relieved to know that his words had brought comfort to his brother. If only those words would bring him comfort now…
Instead the only thing Xichen got from observing the sky now was despair. All those stars twinkling down at him only served to remind him of just how many he had lost. He tried shifting his gaze towards the Moon but even that went in vain. Its position in the night sky signaled that the midnight hour had passed and today was a new day. A new day and the start of yet another year of his life.
It was now officially Lan Xichen’s thirty-fifth birthday. Thirty-five years he’d been alive and what did he have to show for it?
Nothing.
Lan Xichen had failed in every way possible. As a Sect Leader, as a disciple, as a friend, as a brother. Even as a son.
Looking at the brightest star again, Xichen did something he had not done in ages, spoke to his Muqin.
“ Muqin , it’s A Huan. I’m 35 years old today, can you believe it? I certainly cannot. It’s been 27 long years since we last saw each other. I wonder...if you’re proud of the man that I’ve become? But then, how could you be? I am not. I’ve failed everyone around me, everyone who trusted me. You left Wangji in my care and he was nearly crippled because of me. Da-ge , he trusted me too, and what did that get him? A horrific death. One that his own didi had to bear witness too. And A Yao…”
“Their choices were their own.” Came a gruff reply.
Xichen looked over to see Lan Qiren settling down a heavily laden tray on his tea table. He rose from where he was seated to join his uncle . He may be a failure but at least he still had his manners.
“ Shufu, what brings you here so late?” Shufu had, of course, come to bring him the special meal that he always, without fail, brought for them on their birthdays. He had done so even when he and Wangji were at odds while the latter was in seclusion. So of course he would do the same for him now.
Instead of replying to the obvious query, Shufu continued what he had been saying before. “They made their own choices, Huan- er, and you cannot take the blame for that. Nie Mingjue was a Sect Leader in his own right. He took your words to heart because he trusted you but ultimately his choices were his own.” Shufu said, cutting him off before Xichen could protest.
“ One of those choices was to entrust the responsibility of his Sect and his brother to the Meng boy. Long before you knew him. And when they had their falling out, you were not present therefore you cannot judge who was right and who was wrong.”
“As for Meng Yao...nothing you said or did could change the unfortunate circumstances of his life, or the things that were said to him as a result. And to have Jin Guangshan as a father on top of it...the boy was dealt a terrible hand, enough to embitter the kindest of souls. Still, you did as much as you could for him. You supported him, cared for him. If it was not enough for him...there was nothing more you could have done.”
Perhaps that was all true. But he had known, had looked the other way because he had believed in Meng Yao. Believed that he had truly wished to create a more just society, one that would protect all people, and that the choices he made to get there were necessary.
“Maybe the problem was doing too much, Shufu. All those people who were hurt in his quest for power because I never questioned him, never stopped him. So many people innocent lives were ruined because I lov-cared for him.”
Lan Qiren sighed, stroking his beard thoughtfully before answering. After a long while, a warm hand closed down over his fist, squeezing gently. “Huan- er , do you know why our Lan clan has so many rules? Why the elders insist that the younger disciples learn and memorize them?”
He did of course but he waited for Shufu to continue anyway.
“Those rules are a testament to the failure of our elders. They were the lessons that had to be learned the hard way. We etch them into the stones and the minds of the disciples with the hope that they will not have to learn that same lesson the hard way. That they can learn from the mistakes of their elders and do better . And if they don’t, we punish them harshly so that next time, they’ll think twice before making the same mistake.”
“But no matter how many rules we enforce, mistakes are inevitable. I have made plenty of my own raising the two of you. I punished you both harshly for the mistakes of your parents, hoping that you would not have to suffer the same consequences as them. But I suppose in the end, I pushed you too hard and we all ended up right back where we started, both of you suffering the same fate anyways.”
“Huan- er , it was not wrong of you to trust in him. His shortcomings lie in the neglect of his elders. We all could have done better. We should have done better. But what has already happened, cannot be undone. The best thing for us to do is learn from our mistakes and pass that knowledge on with the hope that the next generation will not let history repeat itself.”
Even after all these years, it still shocked Xichen to hear Shufu acknowledging his own failings so freely. He knew of course that the man was not as rigid as he came across to his students, that he worried and doubted as well. But hearing it said so out loud...Lucky for Shufu, Wei Wuxian was nowhere nearby or his poor Shufu would never hear the end of it.
Shufu seemed to sense where his thoughts had headed and snorted, grumbling something about “ That menace!”
It drew a soft chuckle from him to see the, deeply hidden, fondness for the boy who had once terrorized his Shufu as a disciple. It appeared that given time (and free-range to pester) Wei Wuxian truly could endear himself to anyone. Though in Shufu’s case, he supposed that seeing how deeply Wei Wuxian loved and cared for Wangji was enough.
That Wangji was happy and content after so many years he had spent, alone and suffering... because of him...
“ Wangji. What about Wangji? He was my responsibility and I just stood by while he was...and now to find out that he had been right all along…”
The silence that enveloped them then was deafening as they relived one of the worst moments in their family’s history. It troubled Shufu just as much, he knew, then but even more so now, knowing what they had allowed.
Xichen shudders to think that his didi , his Zhanzhan ...had almost died… would have died had it not been for the small Wen child who had somehow managed to survive the siege and ensuing explosion of energy that had taken so many fully grown cultivators…
Though perhaps it was because Wei Wuxian had cared for the child as his own, had protected him so fiercely, that the boy had survived long enough for Wangji to find him. The child had been Wangji’s saving grace, the only thing that had kept him fighting to live another day. If Wen Yuan had not overcome the feverish state Wangji had found him in...
“It is in the past now, Xiongzhang .” Startled, the two looked up to find the object of their discussion, standing in the doorway, waiting to be allowed in.
Xichen beckoned him forward, “How long have you been standing there, Wangji?”
“Long enough.” Wangji answered as he arranged himself neatly at the table, opposite of him, and picked up the teapot to refill their cups.
“What happened then, was of my own choosing, because of my own regrets. Because I did not trust in Wei Ying, in his choices, or his intentions.”
“But you still supported him.” A simple statement of fact, given that the proof was right there on Wangji’s back.
Wangji looked up to meet his eyes, saying with firm resolve. “Because I loved him. But it was not enough. I did not do enough for him. It should not have mattered if he was right or wrong...If I loved him enough, I would have followed him anywhere.”
“Wangji,” Xichen started only to be cut off by his didi.
“I waited for him to ask, though I knew he never would. But if he had, even once, asked for my help...I would have done anything for him.”
“But you did not.” Xichen insisted. There was a very real difference between Wangji’s willingness to do something terrible if it was asked of him, and the terrible things that Xichen had allowed to happen because it was asked of him. If anything, it only proved that Wei Wuxian had always returned Wangji’s love. Where as his love....
“ Xiongzhang did nothing wrong either. At least you do not have to regret that you did not stand by him when he needed you.”
“Not have regrets?” Xichen knew he was unfairly twisting Wangji’s words, but he’d been holding back for so long...and if not Wangji, who else could he let his anger out on?
“How can I not have regrets, Wangji? I enabled him. I advised him. I advocated for him. Every person he was able to hurt was because I chose to stand by him! Even you were hurt because of it, Wangji! Not once, but twice! First when you lost the love of your life and then again when you nearly lost your own life! ”
The silence that settled around them made his ragged breathing sound even harsher to his own ears. As he calmed himself, Xichen was about to apologize but Wangji beat him to it.
“It was not your fault, Xiongzhang. ” Wangji met his eyes again, the resolve somehow more resolute than before. “I chose to accept the punishment for my actions because I believed it was my penance. The price I had to pay for not trusting the man that I loved. For allowing him to die, alone and in pain. It is the choice I would make every time. ”
A soft, pained noise drew their gazes towards the door of the Hanshi. Wei Wuxian stood in the entryway, shuffling anxiously, before making his mind and swiftly entering into the seating room.
“Sorry I can’t wait for permission first, Zewu- jun !”
Wei Wuxian quickly made himself comfortable in Wangji’s lap, wrapping his arms around his husband and whispering something, fervently into his ears.
Xichen shifted his gaze off to the side, suddenly finding the panels of his doorway infinitely fascinating.
Shufu, on the other hand, accustomed to their regularly egregious behaviour, scolded harshly, “Wei Wuxian, behave yourself! Is that anyway to behave in front of your husband’s family? Shameless!”
Wei Wuxian, shameless man that he was, simply stuck his tongue out at Shufu , before continuing out loud the quiet argument he’d been having with his husband.
“Is this an ancestral problem? Being a glutton for punishment? If it is then I’m glad Lan Zhan and I can’t have any children of our own! Can you imagine how self-sacrificing that child would be?”
“From Wei Ying too,” Wangji added.
Wei Ying sniffed, turning to face him instead. “Zewu- jun , for once Lan- laoshi is right,” he paused to smirk at Shufu’s sputtering before continuing on.
“The things that happened back then, maybe all of it was not my fault, but there are still a lot of things I could have done differently. Some of those things were definitely my fault. ”
“Wei Ying…” Wangji started, ready to push back but Wei Ying silenced him with a soft look.
“Lan Zhan, you know its true. I made plenty of my own mistakes back then. I pushed away everyone who tried to reach out, tried to help, including the both of you. I thought I could handle it all on my own but honestly? It was too much for one person alone. My arrogance and stubbornness in refusing help led to countless innocent lives lost.”
He trailed off, becoming lost in reliving his own worst memories. Xichen watched as Wangji drew his husband closer, holding him securely in the comfort of his arms until he returned to the present.
Xichen had always held his Shufu and didi in the highest of regards but Wei Wuxian? He was just a man, like Xichen himself, who had tried to bear the weight of the world and failed miserably at protecting it. And that thought, oddly, brought him more comfort, more of a peace than hearing of his brother’s and uncle’s regrets.
Shufu broke the silence, gruffly responding, “Mistakes were made all around, there is no sense in dwelling on them and starting your new year with regrets. Nothing will bring back the ones who have already gone.”
Wei Wuxian, obviously uncomfortable with the somber mood, teased, “Well technically I could….”
“Wei Wuxian!” “Wei- gongzi! ” “Wei Ying!” Three different Lans scolded with varying degrees of exasperated fondness.
“Okay, okay! Lan Zhan, I was only trying to lighten the mood!” Wei Wuxian whined to his husband, pouting up at him before lifting his cup in cheers. “It's not as good as Emperor’s Smile but I guess it’ll have to do. To Lan Xichen, here’s hoping this new year is filled with joy and happiness!”
Once they’d downed their drinks, Wei Wuxian suddenly held a finger up to his lips. Xichen thought it rather unnecessary given how quiet they were anyways but kept silent anyways. It was a long moment before he heard the rustling outside his door, followed by very loudly whispered arguments.
Leave it to Wei Wuxian to sound out mischief before even Shufu’s experienced ears.
There were two distinct voices arguing back and forth, another attempted to, just as loudly, shush them. Xichen shook his head fondly at the mischief. For all of their faults, all the mistakes that they had made, at the very least they had not so terribly corrupted the next generation of disciples.
He watched as Wei Wuxian stood and silently made his way over to the door, swiftly sliding it open and causing the four rule breaking juniors to come tumbling into the Hanshi .
“Ah!” “Ow!” “Hey!” “What’d you do that for, you dolt?” The juniors picked themselves up, rubbing sore spots where their bodies had collided with the floor or each other, as they glared collectively at their Wei- qianbei.
Shufu cleared his throat loudly, silencing their grumbling, at least momentarily as they turned to face the three seated at the table. “The curfew hour has long since passed. If you cannot adhere to the rules about your bedtime, the least you can do is keep silent so as not to disturb the ones who are trying to sleep!”
Xichen lifted his teacup to hide his smirk as Jingyi beat Wei Wuxian to the punch, calling Shufu out on his hypocrisy. “Isn’t it past your bedtime as well, Shifu ?”
Shufu turned a glare and shouted “Silence!” at the boy who cried out, pulling Wei Wuxian in front of himself for protection.
“Lan Jingyi,” Wei Wuxian said as he tried to extricate himself from the boy clinging onto him, “Don’t drag me into your messes! As if I don’t get scolded enough by Lan- laoshi !”
“Just hide behind Hanguang- jun like you always do when Shifu scolds you, then we’ll both be safe!”
At the look of offense on Wei Wuxian’s face, Xichen forcefully bit down on his tongue to keep from snorting.
“Ai, you kids don’t know how easy you have it! If Lan Zhan protects me from scoldings now, it's only because he feels bad about scolding me so much back then! You kids can’t even imagine what it's like to be scolded by Lan- laoshi and then punished by Lan Zhan!”
This time, Wangji was the one to look affronted, glaring at his husband. “Wei Ying deserved his punishments,” before turning away in a pout.
When was the last time he’d seen his little brother make such an adorable face?
Wei Wuxian gasped dramatically, “I did not! Zewu- jun, back me up! Remember how harshly Lan Zhan punished me just because I gave him a teensy, weensy little bit of Emperor’s Smile? Fifty strikes with a discipline ruler!”
Xichen quickly masked his surprise at being pulled into this silly feud, but suddenly found an urge to tease Wangji that he hadn’t felt in a long time. “As I recall it, Wangji took that punishment alongside you, Wei- gongzi . But you’re not wrong in saying you were punished more than most. However, if you think about it, in his own way, Wangji was trying to spend time with you. Punishing people is not the... ahem, ideal way to make friends but then Wangji was never good at making friends in the traditional way.”
Wei Wuxian barked out a laugh as he settled himself back into Wangji’s lap, while the juniors crowded around them, gaping at their Hanguang- jun in shock. Xichen lifted his cup again to hide the smirk as Wangji glared forcefully at him.
Wei Wuxian nuzzled his face into Wangji’s cheek, pressing a few soft kisses as he teased, “Silly rabbit, Lan Zhan! You could’ve just come and played with me like I asked.”
Xichen decided to spare his poor uncle, clearing his throat to remind the lovebirds that they were not alone, before turning his attention to the juniors.
“What brings you all here so late?”
Lan Sizhui smiled brightly up at him, “We just came to wish you on your birthday, Zewu- jun . We would’ve waited until tomorrow but we saw Hanguang- jun and Wei- qianbei making their way here and your lights were still on so we thought it would be okay to come by. Plus I wanted to bring you this.”
Sizhui held out a small present, offering it to him. “I bought it a long time ago, it was what I was going to give you on your last birthday...but then...after everything happened…”
As he trailed off, Xichen searched the boy’s face for any anger or resentment. After everything that had come to light, he would not fault Sizhui for hating him, for blaming him for the loss of his family. Nie Huaisang certainly did.
But when he looked at him, all Xichen saw was the terrified, feverish child that Wangji had passed into his arms before collapsing from overexertion. He had not needed to ask where the child had come from, knowing full well where exactly Wangji had run off to.
It had perhaps been the first moment that Lan Xichen had truly realized just how terrible of a crime they’d committed. The mere existence of this child would have made false the claims coming from the Jins. That the Wens Wei Wuxian had absconded with were embittered cultivators lying in wait to take their revenge on all of them.
Even though Wangji had told them, him , that the remnants were nothing more than the elderly and small children, they, he , had been skeptical. So soon after waging a devastating war with one despot with too much power, the thought of any one man having so much power for himself...was frightening and more than any of them had been willing to risk.
Though in hindsight, the irony of the Jins replacing the Wens while directing all of their attention to a group of starving and ragged refugees, was not lost on him.
But at the time, that fear had driven them to band together and lay siege to the Mass Graves. Hoping that this time a proactive approach would prevent needless deaths. By the time he had realized that Wangji’s words had been true, that there was no danger here, it had already been too late.
Xichen had regretted their haste, as had some of the others. But he reasoned with himself that the Wens who had died had all been adults, adults who had very much benefitted from Wen Ruohan’s power, even if they were removed from the world of cultivation.
Still, Xichen had ordered his disciples to search the mountain for any survivors but not a single living soul had been found, especially not one who was a child. He had told himself that Wangji had seen wrong or misremembered.
But then Wangji had fled in the night, following his report on Wei Wuxian’s death, and Xichen knew there was only one place he could have gone. And he had returned with this child in his arms. As Xichen held the sick, dying child in his arms, the reality of what they had done came crashing down around him.
Xichen did everything he possibly could to restore the child’s health. He had promised the boy that if he recovered, he would make sure that he had a good home, a good life. It was not nearly enough to make up for their mistakes, but he hoped one day this child would come to understand the choices he had made.
But now, knowing that they, that he , had been so very wrong? Xichen found it difficult to look directly at the boy, without remembering all he had stolen away from him.
Sizhui gave him a curious look as he swallowed past the lump in his throat and reached out, slowly with a shaking hand, to take the gift from the boy. “Thank you, Sizhui. You did not need to trouble yourself on my behalf.”
The brows on Sizhui’s face furrowed in confusion. “It’s no trouble, Zewu- jun , I always bring you something on your birthday.”
Xichen felt another lump growing in this throat that he had to force back down again. “Yes but...given the circumstances…I would understand if...if you did not wish to do so anymore more.”
As Sizhui continued to stare at him blankly, Wei Wuxian wriggled out of Wangji’s lap, pulling the boy firmly into his embrace. He watched as Wangji too reached out for the child, wrapping his arms around his small family.
“ Xiongzhang , Sizhui does not hold things in his heart.”
“Yeah, Zewu- jun , A Yuan’s just like Lan Zhan in that. If he was upset with you, if he wanted nothing to do with you...he would’t be here now.”
Sizhui fiddled with the sleeves of his robes for a moment before responding. “Zewu- jun ,” Sizhui spoke softly. “I’m not angry with you. Not anymore. That night at the temple...after learning about what happened...I did not want to come back here. It's why I left with Ning shushu . But the longer I was gone, the more I found that I missed being here. Being home. Zewu- jun , you and Hanguang- jun , made a home for me here. You protected me, raised me and I was happy here.”
“Dwelling on the past...what good will it do? It won’t bring my family back. It’ll only serve to make me angry and I don’t want to spend my whole life being angry...I can’t spend my whole life being angry. To do so would be an insult to my family, the ones who fought so hard to let me have this life. Even though I didn’t recognize them at the time, when my family saw me at the Mass Graves on the day of the siege, I felt their happiness. Their relief , at seeing me alive and well. When Shushu and I finally put our family to rest, I made them a promise. That I would live a full life, a happy life , so their sacrifice would not go in vain.”
Sizhui had held himself proudly as he spoke and Xichen watched as his brother and Wei Wuxian wrapped their arms tightly around the boy, their pride and joy, comforting him.
Though he felt as though he didn’t deserve any of the credit, he too felt pride swelling in him at his nephew, at the wonderful young man he had turned out to be. Even if he didn’t get any of the credit, it was enough for him to know that his presence had not corrupted the child.
Jingyi broke the somber silence by sliding forward and presenting a gift of his own. “I got you a present too, Zewu- jun !”
Xichen ducked his head in thanks as he accepted the gift. The other two, not to be left behind, presented gifts of their own. He was a little taken back to receive gifts from them as well but he supposed he was still a Sect Leader and given their closeness with Sizhui and Jingyi, it made sense for them to come bearing gifts as well.
He accepted each of their gifts humbly. As he accepted the gift from the young Jin Sect Leader, he couldn’t help but feel pride in this child as well. To have lost his parents so young and then be betrayed by someone he had loved and respected? Xichen was sure he wouldn’t have been able to handle it all with as much grace as this boy had.
“ Jiujiu sends his regards as well, Zewu- jun . He’ll be arriving tomorrow to wish you in person at the party.”
As soon as the words left his mouth the young Sect Leader seemed to realize his mistake, clapping his hands over his mouth. Not that it stopped Wei Wuxian and Jingyi from reaching over to smack him lightly on the arms, scolding, “Jin Ling!”
Xichen watched in amusement for a moment before tilting his head in confusion, “What party?”
The rest of them avoided his eyes, no doubt trying to pretend as though nothing had been said. Xichen turned to his brother, knowing Wangji was a terrible liar and he could get an answer from him.
Before Wangji could even take a breath, Wei Wuxian leaned over, smushing Sizhui between them, and slapped his hands over Wangji’s mouth and eyes. “Don’t fall for it Lan Zhan! It’s a trap!”
Though his eyes were covered, Xichen just knew Wangji was rolling his eyes at the absurdity. Sizhui too spoke up, his voice muffled, smushed as he was between them. “Xian- gege , is this really necessary? The secret is out already.”
“And whose fault is that?” Jingyi chimed in.
From there it descended into the kind of chaos that only Wei Wuxian or Lan Jingyi could bring about, with everyone shouting or arguing over each other as Shufu loudly tried to silence them.
As he watched the playful fighting around him, Xichen was struck by how happy he was in this moment, surrounded by this family of his. He couldn’t remember the last time he had spent a birthday in such good spirits.
Lan Xichen looked out the window, at the star twinkling so brightly in the night sky, and sent a silent thanks to his Muqin for sending them all here to remind him who his real family was. He had spent so much of the last year, alone and wallowing in self-pity, he had forgotten that he still had people here who cared for him and loved him.
Long ago, Xichen had told Wangji, during his own seclusion, that given time he would find happiness and peace again. And seeing Wangji now, smiling and playing along with his husband and his son, gave him hope that he too would one day have a family of his own. And to do that, he would have to start by becoming a man that he would be proud of.