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Nayeon gets a letter.
It’s Valentine’s Day, so it’s not uncommon for her to get letters stuck to her locker or sneaked inside it. She’s quite popular even in an all-girls boarding school—although not as popular as Jeongyeon, who gets approximately forty letters during Valentine’s Day, that’s what being a soccer player and having short hair will get you—but this one is different.
Most of the letters she gets are from girls she barely knows. There’s one from Yeri who is three years younger than her which is already a big no, and one from Eunbi from Chemistry class who is pretty but she doesn’t really know her, among others. They are all pretty standard though: things like ‘Will you be my valentine?’ written in red on heart-shaped pink paper. It’s cute, nothing much, and she appreciates the gesture and the bravery that something like that entails. Sometimes she takes up their offer and takes them out to dinner maybe, or celebrates Valentine’s Day with them if she's interested.
One of the letters catches her eye when she opens her locker. It’s a white envelope, no hearts or decorations added to it, just her name in pretty calligraphy and black ink. It reminds her of old movies in a way, like she's in a Jane Austen novel or something.
Jeongyeon’s leaning on her locker beside her. “I think I got a letter from every freshman this year.”
“You’re oh so popular,” Sana, her best friend, giggles beside her. “One of the seniors gave me chocolates and invited me to her dorm to watch Carol.”
“That’s the gayest thing I ever heard,” Nayeon says absent-mindedly, picking out the letter from the pile and inspecting it from the back, looking for a name and finding none.
“Who wrote you that one?” Jeongyeon asks, eyebrow raised.
“I don’t know,” she replies. “It doesn’t have a name to it.”
Sana’s fixing her nails. “Hm,” she hums. “Weird...” She says, dragging out the d’s.
“What does it say?” Jeongyeon asks, ever the nosey one. Nayeon presses her lips together and places the letter in her pocket.
“I’ll read it later,” she says and doesn’t give it much thought.
In fact, she forgets all about it until she’s back in her dorm after Math class and finds Chaeyoung, her roommate, snoring lightly on the bunk bed above hers. She giggles at the image and figures she’s earned a nap as well after having to turn down so many people. She starts taking off her uniform blazer when the letter falls and Nayeon suddenly remembers.
She picks it up and searches for a name on the envelope just to make sure she didn’t miss it before, and comes up empty-handed once again. Usually, all of the letters she gets have a name attached to them or are handed personally to her; she’s rarely had an anonymous one. Nayeon wonders if this is some elaborate love confession from someone she doesn’t know and feels a strange sort of dread – it’s one thing to know the person you’re turning down and another one entirely to not even be able to do it. She figures that there might be a name on the inside and she opens it, curiosity peaked.
Hi,
I hope you get this letter! I’m sorry if this seems a bit weird, I’m not the most sociable of people—I thought a letter would be a better way to talk to you without feeling like a complete idiot, even though this still makes me feel a bit silly¬¬
I heard you say that your favorite movie was Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in English class once, so I watched it. I would’ve never thought that’d be the kind of movie you’d be into, but I thought about you during the entire movie for some reason. I guess that warranted a Valentine’s Day letter. My favorite part was when Clem asks Joe to say goodbye to her even if they never did. I don’t really know why I’m telling you this, but I’m probably the only other person in this school who’s watched that movie, don’t you think?
What’s your favorite part? I’ll try to guess~ I think it’s the scene when they were talking about when they first met, when Clem took the chicken off Joe's plate and ate it, and he said it was like they were already lovers. I think you liked that one.
Have a nice Valentine’s Day, Im Nayeon.
There’s no name at the bottom of the letter and Nayeon is left to stare silently at the words, re-reading them over and over again. It’s a strange, strange letter, but not the kind that makes you uncomfortable or watched. This felt like someone wanting to start a conversation with her but not really knowing how.
The first thing she thinks after she finishes reading is, she has nice handwriting. Nayeon has no idea who she is, and shakes her head at her own thoughts. Then she thinks about how whoever this person is, they were absolutely right about her favorite part of the movie. Her favorite part is when Clem steals Joe's chicken, the huge romantic that she is.
They mentioned English class, and she tries to skim through every girl that has English with her: there are Sana and Jeongyeon, Sana’s stepsister who she is pretty sure is dating Chaeyoung, Jihyo with the red hair but she’s dating someone from another school, Yves but she totally has a thing with the exchange student from China, Moonbyul who she’s positive is not the kind of person to do something like this for a crush…
Whoever this person is, she thinks, they are an old soul. Who writes letters these days? They could’ve just texted her on Instagram, sent her a DM. Nayeon’s not some horrible person that would turn them down in front of everyone and humiliate them despite whatever reputation she might have.
Nayeon thinks about the letter more than she’d be willing to admit to anyone, all the way to English class on Wednesday of that same week. Honestly, she doesn’t know why she’s so ashamed that she’s so caught up in this whole thing, maybe because she's used to being chased and not the other way around and she's not sure how to navigate this yet. There’s not really much else she can do about it but think about it. She can’t exactly reply back, can she? She doesn’t know who sent the letter, doesn’t know where Nayeon could leave her reply so the person who wrote her could respond.
“Where did your mind go, Nay-Nay?” Sana asks her during English class the next day, chewing on her pencil.
“What are you talking about?” Nayeon hears her tone and she definitely sounds defensive. She flinches slightly and clears her throat. “Sorry. Just thinking about something.”
Sana senses she doesn’t really want to answer what exactly she’s been thinking about and doesn’t ask. Nayeon swallows, unsure why she’s so against the idea of telling her best friends. She hasn’t even told Jeongyeon, and she tells Jeongyeon everything. Like, I got my period and I bled all over my chair kind of everything.
It’s stupid anyway. Honestly, the best thing to do is to stop thinking about it. Stop thinking about it, Nayeon. Stop it.
“Uhm,” she clears her throat, raising her hand. “Miss Kim, can I say something to the class?” The teacher frowns, confused, yet nods. Nayeon stands up, all twenty eight pairs of eyes landing on her, and she swallows her pride back down. “My favorite part of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is when Clem steals Joe’s chicken. Thank you.”
She sits back down and ignores the stares and giggles, hoping that whoever wrote her letter is in the class.
“What the fuck was that?” Jeongyeon looks confused as ever, chuckle on the tip of her tongue.
Nayeon shrugs. “Just wanted people to know. Is that so bad?”
The person who needs to get it will.
The next day, when Nayeon opens her locker, a white envelope falls out of it. She tries not to get too excited about it (frankly she doesn’t understand why she does, maybe she just has a knack for solving mysteries) because Sana and Jeongyeon are just right next to her, frowning at the letter she's holding.
“What’s that?” Jeongyeon tilts her head. When Nayeon presses her lips together trying to come up with an explanation, Jeongyeon’s frown quickly fades into a knowing smirk. “Oh my God, you have a secret admirer.”
Nayeon rolls her eyes. “I do not. ”
“Secret admirer?” Sana asks, curiosity peaked.
“You totally do!” chuckles Jeongyeon, pointing at the letter. “That’s from the same person as Valentine’s day, the one you didn’t tell us who it was from.”
“That’s because I don’t know,” Nayeon shrugs, searching for a name on the envelope again. Still nothing. “I didn’t lie. I don’t know who she is and she’s definitely not a secret admirer —”
Sana coos, ignoring her. “That’s so romantic, Nayeon! Who do you think it is?”
Nayeon blushes furiously, which just makes Sana and Jeongyeon start giggling. “I have no idea and I also don’t care.” She purses her lips and shoves the letter right back into her locker with a lot more strength than she meant to, the sound making Sana flinch. She feels sorry almost instantly.
Jeongyeon frowns, suddenly serious. “Why are you so defensive? It’s cute. I’m happy you’re with someone new after the fiasco that was… you know, the whole Namo situation.”
“Just—” Nayeon shakes her head, placing her hands on her forehead sensing a headache. “Let’s not talk about it, okay? I don’t want to talk about it. Or think about it, for that matter.”
“About Momo or the letter?” Asks Sana.
“I don’t know… “ she sighs. “Both?”
Sana and Jeongyeon nod at the same time. “Deal.”
Nayeon nods, trying to calm down. Even thinking about how horribly things had gone with her ex-girlfriend makes her want to run to the bathroom and cry or throw up or maybe both.
“Okay.”
Nayeon leaves for class, letter forgotten inside her locker.
She spends most of the day thinking about it, so curious about what this stranger might have to say that she finds herself huffing at her own thoughts more than once. It’s a bit ridiculous, really, she doesn’t know this person. Nayeon feels like it's a disadvantage on her part, that they know who she is and she doesn’t; feels disarmed without having the physical aspect. In High School, it feels like appearance is everything. She should really stop entertaining all of this when she has a project due to next week.
Still, on the way back to her dorm after lunch, she snatches the letter from her locker and all but runs to her dorm. Chaeyoung is there, this time (surprisingly) awake.
“What’s that in your hand?” She asks, looking up from her homework.
“Huh?”
Chaeyoung sees right through her. “The letter that you’re holding on your hand.”
“Oh, this ?” she rolls her eyes, tense. “Pfft. Just something I found in the hall after Math class. I think it might be a map or something. Nothing, really.”
“Okay...” Chaeyoung frowns, not quite believing her, but then she simply shrugs it off and stands up from the bed. “I’m off to Mina’s dorm. She’s going to help me with English because I totally tanked the last project I did and it’s Mina’s favorite class.”
Nayeon blinks.
“Dude. Sana’s sister.”
“Oh!” says Nayeon, giggling. “Yes, Mina, Sana’s stepsister. I know her. Tell her I said hi, okay?”
Chaeyoung nods. “Sure. Have fun with your letter...” she trails off.
“Not a letter!” Nayeon calls after her roommate. Once Chaeyoung disappears down the hall, Nayeon makes sure there’s not a soul in the hall planning to disturb her and closes the door behind her, lock and everything.
It feels like she’s reading some secret letter, putting a puzzle together into figuring out who this person is. A mystery of sorts. There’s something awfully thrilling about the whole thing, and the thrill lingers just as much as does the fact that she feels very ridiculous. Nayeon shrugs it all off and tears the letter open.
Nayeon,
I knew I was right! Thanks for letting me know so I can brag about it now. It’s a pretty good scene :)
I honestly hadn’t thought you would even read my letter, you must get tons for Valentine’s Day, so thanks for replying and… caring, I guess. Did you spend Valentine’s Day with someone special? I bet you spent it with a really pretty girl, maybe Irene, she’s the prettiest girl in school. I didn’t do anything that day. No one really notices me.
If you want to reply, leave this letter in the third-floor bathroom, third stall to the left, the one that's abandoned. Leave the letter behind the toilet (I know, gross, but it’s the only place we can talk normally). You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to — this can be our last letter. I’ll leave you alone.
PS. You can call me Sharon :)
She’s cute , is what Nayeon thinks. The truth is that she spent Valentine’s day too busy thinking about how to find Sharon that she forgot to find a date. She blushes and picks up a pen, even if the prospect of leaving the letter behind what is basically an abandoned stall is pretty gross.
There’s no one named Sharon in the school, Nayeon knows this. There are no American exchange students, or anyone from England or western countries for that matter, so it must be an alias. 'No one would notice me.' She frowns at the words, feeling a strange sort of sadness settle on her chest. Not out of pity — she’s sure Sharon does not need her pity — but she feels lonely, too. Not invisible, not when sometimes it feels like the entire school is watching her, but irrevocably alone. More than she’s willing to admit.
Dear (That is way too formal, what is she thinking?) Sharon,
Thanks for the tip. I do want to write to you, Sharon, I think you’re really interesting. Also, yes, you guessed my favorite part of my favorite movie and I’m not sure if I should be like, impressed by your skills or offended that I’m so predictable. That means you’re either very observant or a psychic. Are you psychic? What number am I thinking of right now?
I didn’t spend Valentine’s Day with anyone, I kind of forgot. Maybe I would’ve taken you out, would you have liked that? I would notice you, or maybe I have already. Who are you? Sharon is not your real name, is it? Can I try to guess who you are?
Love, Nayeon
She stops by the toilet before they call them for dinner and only gags a little bit, so all in all it’s a pretty successful night, she’d say.
Nayeon,
Eight! That’s my guess! Yes, I am secretly psychic and also very observant. My mom used to tell me that I was born wide-eyed and looking around the place, at the doctor and the nurses, like I was ready to start asking questions. A curious little thing. I didn’t even cry ¬
I don’t think you noticed me, but it’s okay. I would’ve liked to spend Valentine’s Day with you anyway. What would’ve we done? Hint: I like the zoo :)
Sharon is not my real name but don’t… try to find me, please. Promise that you won’t try to find me. This has to be enough. You’d be disappointed if you found out who I was, I promise you.
Please promise me.
Sharon
Nayeon frowns at the letter in her hands, reading over the last paragraph over and over again. At her dorm, she writes, I promise I won’t. She doesn’t mean it. She makes a list of all the girls that she shares English class with, and starts crossing out names.
Sharon,
So why letters? Why didn’t you just DM me from a burner account, or try to talk to me in person? This seems like an awful lot of trouble just to try and ask someone what their favorite scene from a movie is. [...]
Nayeon,
[...] Me and my sister would sit and watch Jane Austen movies and I always fantasized about old fashioned kind of love, love letters and confessions and friendly letters to talk to friends. It’s a bit nerdy, hehe. But also kind of freeing, don’t you think? To talk to each other like this?
Sharon,
It's romantic~
I think you’re a bit of an old soul. I haven’t met anyone like you before.
The first name she crosses off the list is Moonbyul’s. Their one interaction goes like this: Nayeon sits down next to her at lunch. Solar glares daggers at her until she feels like crying. End of interaction.
In any case, Sharon doesn’t strike her as the gym going type like Moonbyul is, even if she’s generally known for being a good writer. Sometimes when Sharon writes she pictures her with graceful hands, the way she’d move, almost floating as she places the pen on the paper. It’s silly, but sometimes Nayeon wonders if she’s a dancer.
She can cross off Solar too, she guesses.
The second one is Yves, just because she confirms she’s dating Vivi, the Chinese exchange student, after everyone starts talking about their cute roller skate date and how everyone’s so jealous of Vivi because Yves is a total dreamboat, blah blah. Not Sharon.
Third name she crosses out is Sana’s stepsister, Mina.
She knows she and Chaeyoung are best friends, and probably Jihyo as well. Mina’s only nine months younger than Sana, but she jumped a grade because she’s so smart. Nayeon’s never really spoken to her, only on a few occasions, but she can’t really see her as Sharon. When she catches her eye she’s clumsy, shy. Nervous, like she can’t stand the thought of being watched for longer than five seconds. Plus, her and Chaeyoung are totally a thing. She’s pretty, though… .
Sana would tell her if her sister had a crush on her, anyway.
“Are you still talking to that girl?” Jeongyeon asks her one day during lunch.
“Who?” Nayeon frowns.
“You know,” she says in the middle of munching on some asparagus. “The one who sent you those letters on Valentine’s Day. The anonymous ones.”
Nayeon debates on whether or not to tell the truth, but she does tell Jeongyeon everything, and it feels stupid to keep Sharon a secret when she feels like such a good friend already. She'd been reluctant back then because she'd honetly felt like an idiot, writing back and forth with someone she didn't know, someone who was so close yet so far. Now Sharon feels like a part of her life, like a friend is.
“Yes. We send letters to each other back and forth. Her name’s Sharon.”
Sana all but chokes on her water and Jeongyeon has to pat her on the back to help her swallow it all back down. “Jesus, Sana, are you okay?”
“Yes,” she says between coughs. “S — sorry, just clumsy. You said her name’s Sharon ?”
“Well, not her name, just what she asked me to call her,” Nayeon replies, frowning. “Why? You know a Sharon?”
Sana shakes her head vigorously. “No! Absolutely not. I’ve never heard that name in my entire life. We’re in Korea, and that’s a totally American name, so there’s no way I’ve ever heard that name before.”
Not even Jeongyeon looks convinced. “Okay...”
Nayeon purses her lips, but doesn’t press the issue. Sometimes Sana is just weird like that.
Nayeon,
Miss Kim said today we’d need to read Romeo & Juliet for our final exam! I’m excited, I really love that play. I love reading in general, it’s my favorite thing to do after playing videogames, even if the nuns in this place don’t let us play anything...
Sharon,
You really are a romantic, huh? Romeo and Juliet, Pride and Prejudice… You like the classic romances, it’s pretty cute, hehe. I’m not big on reading, but you make me want to try reading more. You make everything sound so lovely, so full of wonder.
Nayeon,
My mom died when I was really young, when I was around five years old. My dad remarried almost right away. I love my stepmom and my stepsister, but I miss my mother a lot. I read the books she used to own all the time, and those were her favorites according to my dad. The romance novels, hehe. I guess I take a lot after her ¬¬ My dad said she kept the flower he gave her on their first date even after if dried and turned brown, and used it as a bookmark. She had a way of finding the beauty in everything.
Sometimes it feels like the world moved on from that, everyone except for me. I just need a little more time… some more books to read. Maybe I’ll move on after that.
Sharon,
Oh, I didn’t know that, Sharon. Thanks for telling me. She sounds like an amazing person. I think your mom would be really proud of the person you are. I’m sure she’s happy that you remember her by the things she loved, and that you carry with you a piece of her. You sound a lot like her, based just on that. I’m here if you ever want to talk. Just one letter and an abandoned bathroom stall away.
Nayeon,
Thank you, Nayeon… that means a lot to me.
Eleventh name she crosses out is Siyeon’s.
She overhears this conversation in the bathroom when she’s leaving what is probably her 54th letter:
“Siyeon,” someone says, although Nayeon thinks she can recognize the voice fairly well. “You need to stop drooling over Bora. It’s getting embarrassing, like, we can’t take you anywhere, seriously.”
“Shut up,” she says. “Like you’re any better, Yoohyeon. Have you seen yourself around Minju?”
Twelfth is Yoohyeon’s.
Sharon,
[...] I did have a girlfriend once, her name was Momo. She lived in Japan, but she came here for a few months as an exchange student, and she was really fun and pretty and we used to try each other’s clothes. She could dance. Can you dance? I’m really curious.
Anyway, we broke up when she had to move away, and when I called her I found out she had a new girlfriend. Someone called Sakura. I never heard about her again after she broke my heart, I used to think it would never fully heal. Like, there will always be a Momo shaped hole inside my heart, the space she used to be in. I hadn't let anyone in before.
Sorry. It’s hard to talk about it.
Love, Nayeon
Nayeon,
I’m sorry to hear that. I knew about you and her, it sounds like someone who was really important to you. Do you miss her still?
I never had a relationship before, as I said, people don’t tend to notice me. Maybe that’s why I send letters to my crushes people I want to be friends with. I used to like this girl… but she was really popular. Way out of my league :( But she was sweeter than I expected. You might know her but I won’t tell you her name...
Yes, I can dance! I’ve been a ballerina since I was five. I’m pretty good at it if I do say so myself. Would you like to see me? I can do the nutcracker ~
Sharon,
Ballet?! That’s crazy. I want to see you dance now! I kind of had a feeling you knew how to. Sometimes I feel like your handwriting is so light and feathery, I had a hunch you’d be a dancer. Yes, I’d love to see you in the nutcracker.
To answer your question, I… used to. I don’t, not as much. I don’t know why or how, but something changed. In me or… I don’t know. Just changed. I used to feel really lonely, you know? I’ve never really told anyone, but I was really, really lonely, even if my friends are amazing and I love them. I felt really alone until I met you.
Nayeon surprises herself at the honesty of her own words, the truth that follows them. She had felt so terribly and inexplicably lonely that she had forgotten what it was like to feel like she wasn’t.
Sana and Jeongyeon are amazing, don’t get her wrong, but it’s hard for Nayeon to open up like this to anyone. There’s always this fear in the back of her mind that if she were to ever let people know how she actually feels most of the time they’d rather leave than have to put up with her problems. She’s never depended on anyone the way she does on Sharon. It’s surprisingly easy with her, maybe because she doesn’t really know who she is— although that feels like a lie. She knows Sharon in ways she doesn’t know anyone else.
She continues writing: I’m sorry for getting all emotional, haha. It’s been a while since I could speak so freely with someone. You were right about being more freeing this way. I used to feel really stupid writing these letters before but now I look forward to it the most.
Thanks. For being my friend and listening/reading. And for everything.
Love, Nayeon
Nayeon,
I can also do Swan lake ;)
Thanks for sharing that with me, I know it must’ve been hard for you to share something like that. It warms my heart that you confide in me for this kind of stuff. I get really lonely too but I’m glad I have you to talk to, you make me feel like I have someone by my side...
Writing used to make me feel stupid, especially the first time I wrote to you (mostly because I worried you would think I was weird¬¬¬) but I’m happy I did! I’m getting to know you — really know you. I’ve never thought I’d be friends with someone like you.
Love,
Your friend Sharon
Nayeon’s heart jumps inside her ribcage. She does not use the word soar because that’s stupid and cheesy, but it’s the closest thing that she can think of. My friend Sharon. She focuses on the my and Sharon parts specifically and it’s like music to her ears.
She still frowns at the last part of the first paragraph: ‘I’ve never thought I’d be friends with someone like you’. She wonders what she means by it — she knows Sharon said she’s not very popular, but still, it stings a bit. Who exactly is ‘someone like her’? She feels the need to defend herself somehow even if Sharon meant nothing by it.
In her next letter, she writes, I would never think you’re weird. Then, Someone like me?
Sharon’s next letter is straight and to the point:
Popular. Pretty.
You have a bit of a reputation in Jesus’ Youth Pupils school, you know? The walls talk and they aren’t kind. They say you’re mean and horrible but I never believed them, I always thought you were nice. I knew you were nice. You won’t remember but… some time ago, I was crying under the bleachers outside. We were both young, I was eleven and you were twelve, and I don’t even remember why I was crying, but you were there. You smiled at me and tried to make me feel better. I could never believe those stories after that.
Nayeon tries rummaging her brain to remember, but she can’t. There’s just a foggy memory of a girl with no face crying— she thinks it might’ve been raining, she remembers her hair being wet. Nayeon writes, Thanks for the redemption. I’m not sure I deserve it.
One day, as she’s leaving what is their 100th letter (she’s made sure to draw balloons all over the letter, even a cake with candles on it, a penguin and a bunny holding hands because they are each other's favorite animal), she finds Sana’s sister in the bathroom.
Mina freezes, like a deer caught in headlights. “Oh,” is all that leaves her lips.
“Hi,” Nayeon giggles. She makes no effort to hide the letter in her hands, doesn't really feel the need. It’s pink because there was no other color in the library and it’s cute and she thinks Sharon might like it.
“Hi,” Mina nods, but doesn’t say much else, she starts playing with the hem of her uniform sweater instead. Mina’s always been fidgety around her for some reason, but never this much. Nayeon can be intimidating though, or so she’s been told (and likes to believe). She’s different around Jeongyeon, she laughs at her jokes and sometimes even hits her on the shoulder like they are friends, and Nayeon pretends it doesn’t sting.
“How’s Sana?” she asks stupidly, as if she wasn’t just in class with her.
“Uh, good...” Mina trails off. “You’ve seen her more than me...”
Nayeon giggles, a bit nervous. “Heh. I guess you’re right.”
Mina looks like she’s ready to run away, but then she notices that she’s holding a pink letter. “A letter?” she says, and nothing else.
Nayeon lifts it. “Ah, yes, it’s a letter. For a friend.”
“It’s pink,” Mina says, matter-of-factly.
Nayeon frowns. “Yes?”
“That’s the color of love letters,” Mina says, blushing when she realizes what he’s just said. “I— I think. I write— I always write in white paper so people don’t think they are love letters or anything other than that.”
“Oh,” Nayeon replies, the wheels inside her head turning. She hadn’t realized the color of the letter even mattered, she’s not used to letter writing etiquette or whatever. She's never even used the mail before. “You write a lot of letters, Mina?”
Mina shakes her head. “No—! Not anymore, I mean. Not with cell phones and all...”
“It’s still nice, isn’t it?” Nayeon feels herself smile. “To speak like this. It’s romantic.”
“Romantic?” Mina’s eyes are wide open as she says this, like she’s never heard of having a crush. "You don't care that your friend might find it romantic?"
Nayeon shrugs. “I don’t mind if this person thinks it’s a love letter.”
She finds that she really, really doesn’t. She doesn’t know what Sharon’s name is, what color her hair is, if she’s even Korean, but she knows what her favorite book is, that she dances ballet, that she likes old movies and shows, that she cries when she listens to IU for too long because her voice is that beautiful. It feels like she has known Sharon for a lifetime, maybe three more. Maybe her and Sharon were soulmates in past lives, reconnecting in this one.
“I have to go,” Mina says, and all but sprints out of the bathroom.
Sharon,
I think you’re the only one who doesn’t think I’m mean and awful. My best friend’s sister runs away from me every time I’m in the same room as her; she probably thinks I’m awful. She’s shy, but she never acts that way around anyone else.
Nayeon,
I’m sure she’s just shy. I know she is. Maybe she’s just nervous around you, maybe she wants to be your friend. Would you be her friend? [...]
Sharon,
Yeah. I think I would be.
After a horrendous date where Nayeon finds out she has nothing in common with Hyojung, Nayeon is absolutely certain that she is not Sharon. Name number twenty-six is crossed off the list with red marker.
That means there are only two names left on the list: Jeongyeon’s and Sana’s.
Nayeon weighs her options here before she starts completely losing it because there’s just no fucking way .
Jeongyeon is definitely not Sharon. She’s known Jeongyeon pretty much her entire lives, she’s more like a sister than a friend and she most definitely cannot dance ballet. Unless Sharon’s been lying this entire time, but she doesn’t think she is. Plus, Jeongyeon would not write letters to a crush— she believes she’s the most romantic out of the friend group, but she totally melts when she has to make a move. Plus they tried to have a thing once and they almost barfed when they kissed, so, Jeongyeon is definitely not Sharon.
She’s known Sana for a little over five years now, and they are definitely best friends. Sana's open and warm-hearted and definitely not unpopular as most of the letters suggest, but she's also romantic and sensible. It’s weird to think of Sana as Sharon, somehow it feels wrong, like a puzzle piece that doesn’t quite fit, but there’s no harm in giving it a shot. She’s kind of desperate here.
That’s how she spends the next three hours next to Sana, following her all the way up to the third-floor bathroom where everything started.
“I still don’t get it,” says Sana. “I hate that book Miss Kim is making us read.”
Romeo & Juliet. “I thought you would like it.” Sharon does. Nayeon figures she could be lying just to confuse her.
“It’s boring,” Sana whines. “Miss Kim is seriously making us read this crap for our final exam before summer… I don’t know if I’ll pass. Maybe I can ask Minari for help… she’s really good at this stupid class.”
Nayeon hums, not really paying attention. Her eyes linger on Sana's bag— when she opens it, she sees pink shoes, hidden by some books and a sweater. “What are those?” she points at them, and Sana tilts her head.
“Huh?”
“Are those ballet shoes?” she asks instead.
“Yeah, but—”
“You dance ballet?” Nayeon interrupts.
“I took classes when I was younger, if that’s what you’re wondering—”
Nayeon stands up, heart suddenly beating way too loud in her own ears. “Are you Sharon?”
Sana frowns. “Eh? What— Who is Sharon?”
“Sharon, the girl I’ve been writing to these past four months, Sana,” she says. “It’s you, isn’t it? The ballet shoes, the book, the way you reacted when I mentioned her during lunch a few weeks ago, the stepsister story, Sharon starts with the same letter as Sana...”
“Nayeon, I’m— I’m not,” she shakes her head, looking panicked. “I am not your secret friend.”
“Don’t lie to me, Sana,” Nayeon replies, heart beating a thousand miles per hour. “I looked into everyone in the class and you’re the only one left.”
“I’m sorry,” Sana says, and she looks genuinely sorry. There’s something akin to pity dancing in her eyes. “I really am not, Nay.”
“You—”
“I’m dating Jeongyeon,” Sana says.
Nayeon’s eyes widen. “ What ?”
“Since like, March,” Sana flinches. “I’m sorry! We wanted to tell you, but we were worried it wasn’t going to last and maybe damage our friend group so we promised not to tell you until we were sure this was serious and… yeah. That’s it. I’m not Sharon, Nay.”
Nayeon had known that she wasn't; she had. There’s no feeling of disappointment, there’s mostly relief that washes over her (Sana's her best friend and she doesn't see her the same way as she does Sharon). But there’s this tinge of sadness too: she still doesn’t know who Sharon is, and all that research went nowhere.
“Oh.”
It makes sense , she thinks. She says, “I can’t believe you guys kept that from me. It’s been almost two months!”
“I know! I’m sorry, Nayeon. It just kind of got out of hand...” Sana flinches once again.
"It's fine," she says, even though it kind of isn't. "I'm just tired. I want to know who Sharon is so bad."
"Do you..." Sana starts, tentatively. "Do you like her?"
"I don't know." It feels childish to call this a crush. It feels like so much more, which just makes it all the scarier, so she doesn't say much else, just out of fear that once it's out there she won't really be able to take it back.
Sana bites her lip, then her eyes focus on something behind Nayeon, and she sees the door closing behind them.
"Fuck," is all she says.
I’m not Sana. Do you wish that I was?
You promised you wouldn’t look for me, Nayeon. You promised me.
There’s no name, no Love, Sharon at the end, but Nayeon knows it’s from her. Her heartbeat quickens, loud enough for anyone to hear; even Chaeyoung as she sleeps on the bed right above her.
Dread creeps on her like a nightmare, and she scrambles for her own pen and paper to somehow try to fix this. To make this work.
Sharon,
No, I don’t. I don’t, I would never — Sharon, I don’t know where you get this idea that you should be kept a secret, that you’re not enough. Sharon, you’re enough. You’re more than enough. Quite frankly I think you’re much more than I deserve. Don’t I don’t want you to be Sana. I want you.
Why wouldn’t I search for you? You mean so much to me, I love I want to meet you. I feel terrible when I can’t hold your hand, I want to k I want to be there for you, physically. You’re everything, you mean everything to me
I'm sorry I broke your promise, I really am.
Love, Nayeon
Sharon,
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I hope you're okay, it’s been a few days since your last letter and I’m starting to get worried. Are you okay?
Love, Nayeon
Sharon,
Where did you go? I miss you.
Love, Nayeon
I’m sorry, Sharon.
Her own letters pile up in the abandoned stall, mocking Nayeon, making a joke out of her broken heart. Reminders of the love she lost because of her own stupidity. It’s almost two weeks later and she still gets no response, and Nayeon feels so sick about everything— exams, her friends going out behind her back, Sharon’s absence— she throws up.
“Dude,” Chaeyoung says, holding her hair and scrunching up her nose. “What’s even happening? You’ve been like this for an entire week, Nayeon. Is everything okay?”
“I fucked up,” she shakes her head, trying to fight back tears. “I fucked up so badly, Chae.”
She tells Chaeyoung everything because she finds there’s probably no one in the world less judgemental than her roommate, and Chaeyoung nods and says nothing until Nayeon’s done.
“You should look for her,” Chaeyoung shakes her head once she's done hearing. “Sharon, whoever she is, clearly loves you back.”
Nayeon swallows. “I don’t...”
“She’s scared, she thinks she’s not enough for you, that you want her to be someone like Sana,” Chaeyoung interrupts. “You need to prove to her that you want her and only her and…” she furrows her brow suddenly. “Wait, you said her name is Sharon?”
“Yes…?”
Chaeyoung falls into her bed, covering her face with her hand.
“... You’re both such idiots.”
Nayeon shakes her head. “What are you talking about? Both ?”
Chaeyoung just says like she’s done with her bullshit, “Mina’s second name is Sharon, you dumbass.”
Suddenly Nayeon’s working brain cells click : Mina had been in the bathroom that time she went to deliver the letter, the ballet shoes on Sana's bag, Sana’s reaction when she heard Sharon’s name, the stepsister story…
“Holy fuck,” she says.
“Holy fuck indeed.”
“But—” Nayeon’s voice cracks. “Isn’t she your girlfriend? Aren’t you guys dating?”
“ Dating ?” Chaeyoung looks like she’s about to break into laughter. “We’re just friends. I have a girlfriend back home, her name’s Tzuyu. Mina’s my best friend though, so if you break her heart I’ll break your kneecaps.”
“You’re five feet tall,” she replies.
“And deadly!”
“Sharon’s been under my nose this whole time...” Nayeon says in disbelief. “I’ve always thought Mina hated me.”
“She obviously has a crush on you, Nayeon,” Chaeyoung says, appalled at her obliviousness. “Just like Sharon is. You should explain it to her. You should kiss the fuck out of her too.”
“I don’t...”
“Nayeon, if you don’t do this, you’re going to regret it for the rest of your life,” she shakes her head. “By the looks of it, you’re kind of in love with her. So what the hell are you waiting for, woman?”
Her feet are moving before she can stop herself, with Chaeyoung’s chant of encouragement of you get the girl, Nayeon! and she makes her way to Mina’s and Sana’s dorm and knocks before she throws up again, just from the way nerves are building up inside of her like bubbles.
Mina opens the door. She looks upset. “Sana’s not here.”
Nayeon’s heart twists. “I’m a fucking idiot, Mina.”
“What?”
“I know you’re—” she shakes her head. “I’m sorry. I know it’s you.”
Mina looks petrified for a moment. “I don’t know what you’re—”
“Sharon,” Nayeon says, breathless. “That’s your second name, and you’re a ballerina, and you love Romeo and Juliet, and your favorite scene of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is when Clem asks Joe to make up the goodbye they never had. Sharon. ”
"How did you find it out?" Is all Mina manages to say.
"I put two and two together," she says. "With a bit of help, anyway."
Mina says nothing because she’s Mina and she’s way too nice for her own good; even in anger she finds the kindness not to curse her out. Nayeon can’t decide if it’d be better if she did.
“I’m sorry for breaking our promise and for going behind your back,” Nayeon swallows. “I really am.”
Mina’s voice sounds distant when she speaks. “Are you disappointed?”
“What?” Nayeon frowns. She tries to find Mina’s face, but she’s looking down at her shoes, ashamed, and Nayeon knows that if she were to reach out to lift her chin it might be pushing her luck. “Of course I’m not. Why would you say that?”
“You’ve never noticed me,” Mina shrugs, still not looking up. “Is it that crazy? You barely knew my name, barely even looked at me…”
“I’m sorry.” Nayeon bites her lip. She really is. “I thought you didn't like me.”
Mina shakes her head. “I don’t want you to feel bad for that. Well, maybe a bit, but it wasn’t your fault you didn’t. I just wanted to get to know you. I thought maybe you wanted me to be Sana.”
“I don’t,” she shakes her head. “I really don’t. At all . She’s my friend, but you’re— Sharon. My Sharon.” She doesn’t know why she says that, but at seventeen she feels like her heart’s been ripped open and all its contents are spilling onto the bedroom floor and it’s all very unhygienic. “No one knows me the way you do.”
Mina looks up, but closes her eyes quickly. “I don’t think anyone knows half the things I’ve told you, either. I’ve never… I only told Jihyo and Chaeyoung about my mom’s death. People think they got divorced. I think you might be my best friend.”
Nayeon wants to reach out, place her hand on hers— Mina lets her, and it’s a gorgeous feeling. To hold her, in any way she can.
“Thanks for trusting me,” Nayeon says. “I trust you too. I know there are things we don’t know about each other but I— I want to know all of it. Of Mina, not just Sharon.”
“Do you mean it?” Mina asks, voice small, and she finally looks up.
Mina’s eyes are black. They hold the universe in them. The thought is cheesy, but fuck it, Mina makes her want to say every cheesy thing that comes to mind.
“Yes,” she nods. “I want to know the sound of your laugh, the way your lips look when you smile, if you run funny, if you can touch your nose with your tongue… all the embarrassing, physical stuff. I want to get to know everything I don’t.”
“I want you to know those things about me, and I want to know them about you too.” Mina looks a little breathless, like she can’t quite believe this is happening. Then she says, “I want to know what your lips taste like.”
Nayeon will pass out. “Oh.”
“Nayeon,” Mina says. “Can I kiss you?”
Nayeon’s heart soars, and somehow she manages to find the strength to nod. Mina leans down, oh so slowly, and because this is probably her first kiss, Nayeon lets her decide the pacing, even if it’s torturous. Mina places her lips to Nayeon’s in a chaste kiss, soft and feathery and light. Like it's her first dance, tentative. Nayeon thinks she could fly away right now.
Mina pulls away and says, “You taste like cherry.”
Nayeon pulls her back in.
It’s already Winter. How is it already Winter?
Thousands of girls are in the main hall, bags in hand, suitcases near them. Nayeon doesn’t want to admit it, but she’ll miss being here even if she’ll eventually come back for her last year. Last Summer was actual Hell, especially because her and Mina had just started dating back then.
Chaeyoung’s baked everyone cookies and despite not much faith from almost everyone, they end up being delicious. She took some classes in the summer, she explains, and now she’s a genius. Small Christmas miracles.
“My girlfriend is waiting for me back home,” she says. “I gotta show her that I’m wife material.”
Jihyo rolls her eyes. “You are sixteen .”
Jeongyeon and Sana hold hands, and Sana kisses her just to embarrass her in front of everyone. It’s all very heart-warming.
Nayeon is, of course, the clingiest she’s ever been. She wraps her arms around Mina’s waist, pulls her close until she can hide the cold, cold tip of her nose on the crook of her girlfriend's neck and Mina doesn’t even say a word because she’s an angel sent from above. Nayeon’s hit the jackpot.
“I’m gonna miss you so much,” she whines, nuzzling her nose against her neck. “You and your nice, warm scarfs I always steal from your closet and mostly you but also those scarfs. So, so much.”
“I’ll see you next year, you big baby,” Mina says, with absolutely no bite to it. “Besides, I’ll write. I’ve been told I’m really good at it.”