Work Text:
The scene was set. The night was quiet in the park he'd picked. The streetlights giving the area an air of mystery that Heinz had heard was important for setting the mood.
His heart was pounding in his chest.
He couldn't do this! How could he do this? Charlene was so perfect and her was... He was raised by Ocelots! His litany of life issues was so long and complicated that he had a backstory just from realizing how many backstories he had!
He wanted Charlene, wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and her deadpan snark, but...
He couldn't ruin her. Ruin her life with... him.
"It's not you, it's me." Heinz began, his tongue forming the words he'd need to set Charlene free from him. "The timing and the setting aren't what I thought they'd be. There's probably someone better for you out there anyway..." Heinz encouraged her. "Maybe I just need some space?" He wondered... But he couldn't leave it at that.
"Though I should just come out and say... I wanna get this right! Baby, I wanna thrill you in the way you deserve! I wanna blow your mind, darlin'! I'm just having trouble getting up the nerve!" He explained, passionately.
"I wanna give you what you want! I wanna be the man you choose! I wanna sweep you off your feet... without puking on your shoes..." Heinz admitted, remembering their almost disastrous first date.
"Maybe I'll do better in the candlelight? I gotta get this right." Heinz admitted, pulling out a candle and lighting it, only to drop it on his shoe and set it on fire.
"No, no, no, stay right where you are!" Heinz urged as he stopped, dropped and rolled to end the blaze. "I'll put out the fire, my love!"
With a staggering lurch, Heinz got back to his feet before belting out his next verse. "I wanna make you swoon," He admitted. "Baby, I wanna rock you with my righteous romance! I wanna set a mood, darlin', but I'm sweatin' through the seat of these pants!" Heinz complained, turning around so that Charlene could see his distress and know that he wasn't lying to her through song, the worst type of lie!
"Are you okay?" Charlene asked, nervously.
"I had planned to read a poem!" Heinz explained. "I thought I'd play a little lute!"
"Ooh! Here's a thing," He reached into his pocket of his jacket. "I've got a ring!" His heart dropped as he realized there was nothing in his pocket. "I didn't bring! Oh, shoot!"
There was nothing he could do. He'd failed thoroughly, both at breaking up with her and at proposing! "So this went very well, good night! ... I didn't get this right..."
"Heinz, it's okay, come back!" Charlene called out.
Heinz' head hung despondent on his vulture-like neck. "I've never been in love before... I don't know what I'm doing... I've never been too worldly in the ways of woman-wooing. I'm freezing up, I'm blowing it! Not what I'm meant to do! I know how crazy lucky I am... To love you!"
"Gorgeous, funny, brave and brilliant!" Heinz listed off Charlene's many amazing qualities. "Beautiful, won't give up on anyone! You, ohhh!"
"Awww!" Charlene cooed, a smile on her face.
"I wanna get this right, baby! I wanna love in the best way I can!" Heinz cried out. Charlene knew his past, his backstories. It's why she'd become a psychology major as he supported them both with the meager profits from his bratwurst cart. And now that she had graduated... He wanted to stay with her forever!
"I wanna make you cry... In a good way! By proving I could be your perfect man!" Heinz exclaimed. "I meant to write it in the sky! I meant to get down on one knee!" Heinz explained. "I planned to really try... To be the opposite of me..."
Charlene's smile dimmed as she head his admission, but despite the fact that he was blowing it... He couldn't stop.
"But, Charlene, I will love you with all my might! I promise you, in here," He gestured to his chest. "I've got that part right. ... Or maybe we should do this on some other night?" He decided, slinking away with slumped shoulders and a despondent from on his face as his shoe continued to smoke.
"Wait! Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz!" Charlene shouted out, plucking a rose from a nearby bush and getting down on one knee so that when he turned, Heinz could see her, holding the rose out to him. "Will you marry me?" she asked, her voice trembling, vulnerable.
Heinz's eyes filled with tears as a smile crept over his face. She wanted him! Even after all his failures, all his quirks and deficiencies and emotional minefields...
"You got that right!" Heinz agreed, unable to stop himself as he joined his new fiancée in a duet.
"Baby, I'm gonna thrill you in the way you deserve!" The two newly be-doctor'ed lovebirds crooned together.
"We're gonna get this right, darlin'! As long as we're together we won't lose our nerve!"
"I'm gonna be the man you want," Heinz promised.
"Guess what - you already are!" Charlene smiled back.
"I wanna make your life so good!" Heinz swore.
"You're doin' pretty good so far!" Charlene replied.
Heinz and Charlene twirled in the soft streetlights across the park as they sang in harmony. "We got the hard part over with! Now hold me tight..." They sang in unison, hugging each other close and staring into each other's eyes.
"We're gonna get this right!" They swore with every fiber of their being before drawing each other into a kiss.
Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses rated the most passionate, the most pure.
This one left them all behind.