Chapter Text
JUDE POV
“Goodnight Jude.”
“Goodnight, Cardan.”
I kiss my husband goodnight, and then roll over onto my side of the bed to sleep. He is settling in on the other side of our very big bed.
Minutes pass. I hear Cardan’s breathing begin to slow. My mind is alive and unsettled.
“Cardan?” I say. I hear a low grunt from the other side of the bed.
“Cardan?” I ask again, louder this time.
“What, my warrior queen?” I hear him turn toward me. I smile at the nickname, but keep my body and face turned the other way.
“Cardan, have you ever been in love?”
A pause.
“Jude, we’re married…”
“I know.”
“To each other.”
“Yes, I was there.”
He scoots towards me in the bed, close but still not touching me.
“Do you recall all the times I’ve told you that I love you before?”
“Yeah.”
“And you are aware that I cannot lie.”
“That’s true.”
Cardan places his hand gently on my upper arm.
“…So what is it that you’re really asking me?”
I roll over to face him, but I do not meet his gaze. His pillow is right next to mine. He reaches out to take my hand under the covers.
“I just… I mean, how do you know?”
“What do you mean, how do I know?” he asks.
I look up to meet his eyes. Although it’s dark, I see that a lock of his curly hair has fallen across his face into his tired but inquisitive eyes. Man, it’s hard to look away once you’ve started looking at Cardan. I reach up to push the hair back.
“Never mind, it’s stupid,” I say, closing my eyes and shrugging off my insecurities. I know he loves me. I shake my head and begin to turn back to my other side.
Cardan squeezes my hand. I turn back towards him.
“Jude, have I done anything to make you doubt my feelings for you?”
I can’t help but laugh.
“I mean, recently,” he amends. “Since you returned from banishment.”
“No, it’s not that,” I say.
“I’m a good husband to you.”
I roll my eyes. “Yes, you are.”
"I’m a very good husband to you,” he says, using his ‘seductive’ voice, and raising his eyebrows.
I snort, and he scoots even closer to me. I make room for him. We are now sharing a pillow, on our sides, facing each other. Our intertwined hands rest on the pillow in-between our faces.
“Yes,” I say. I kiss his hand. “You’ve been a surprisingly good investment.”
“Then please make your meaning known.”
I take a moment to formulate my thoughts.
“What does love mean to you? From my observation, the way faeries care for and love each other is different than the way mortals do. For the most part, when mortals marry, they marry ‘til death do us part,’ and they stay together for the rest of their lives. When faeries marry there’s always an exit clause written into their vows, as if they know that their feelings are only fleeting.
“From the moment mortals are born, their parents shower them with love. I don’t remember much about my own parents, but one thing I know without a doubt is that they loved me. Mom kissed my booboos when I got hurt and sang to me, and my dad told me stories at night to help me fall asleep. I always felt so safe with them.”
Cardan squeezes my hand tenderly.
“Your experiences of love in your life have been so sparse, it makes me want to cry,” I say. “Your mother neglected you, your father didn’t even want you. Your siblings were indifferent at best, and abusive at worst. You were nursed on cat’s milk, for goodness’ sake!”
I lift our joined hands, and pound them back down onto the pillow.
“And despite all of that,” I continue, “you turned out so confident, and smart, and so good to me. You’re so good to me. How did you manage that? Where did you learn to love?”
“From mortal stories.”
“Wha-”
“You’ve asked multiple questions,” he interrupts my confused utterance. “and I will try my best to answer each sufficiently to your needs.
“The fae are survivors,” he begins. “We live as long as we do, not because we cannot be killed, but rather because of our determination to do so, regardless of circumstances.
“As a small child, I learned to fight and scream and be cruel in order to have my needs met. I didn’t learn love because I didn’t need it in order to survive.
“When Balekin took me in, he ordered the mortal servants to prepare me for bedtime. When they tucked me in, they would tell me mortal fairytales. I became obsessed. Regardless of how exciting or enjoyable whatever princely lessons I was being taught, be it sword fighting, dancing, standing, walking, public speaking, my only real joy each day was hearing the mortal stories.
“Princesses with glass shoes, mermaids who long to be mortal, talking bears who eat porridge, whatever that is, pigs who build houses out of sticks, true love’s kiss awakening maidens from eternal sleep… they all left my love-deprived heart wanting more than what I had. I mean, would someone really be willing to turning into sea foam to save someone else’s life? Could someone really search the entire kingdom to find a glass shoe-wearing girl whom he only met once? Why would someone do that? The servants told me it was all for love.”
Cardan takes another pause, seemingly struggling to say what he wants to say. I remove my hand from his, and rest it on his waist.
“In time, Balekin found out that the servants had been telling me stories, filling my head with what he called ‘mortal nonsense.’ He believed that the stories were making me soft, were making me even more of a lesser prince than I already was. He compelled the mortal servants to never tell me stories again and forced them to forget that they ever had. And he compelled them to beat me that night.”
I give his waist a small squeeze.
“As my wounds healed,” he continues, “I felt new determination that I’d never felt in anything else before. I wanted to learn more about love. I wanted to learn more about mortals. As soon as I was able, I snuck out of Elfhame for the first time, and went to a mortal bookshop to buy mortal storybooks I could read myself. I took as many as I could hold. I hid them in my room and read each book in turn, over and over.”
“You went to the mortal world all by yourself? How old were you?”
“Nine.”
“Nine. So that would have been after-”
“After I had seen you and your sisters for the first time, yes. Naturally your family with both fae and mortal members in it fascinated me to no end. I was intrigued at how Madoc could show such compassion and genuine affection towards the children of his cheating wife. I was intrigued that you and Taryn could see him as your father figure after what he had done to your real father, and your mother. I hated seeing you so happy. I envied every amount of validation and attention you got from your adoptive family. But I suppose, in observing you and your family over the years, I also learned about love.”
“It was not always affectionate and loving,” I say.
“Even so, you had more than a prince, and it drove me crazy.”
That must be why he made Taryn and me so miserable all those years, I think.
“As I got older, I also of course had my friends and lovers.” They weren’t always the most loyal, but they gave me attention and affection when I needed it.
I look down, embarrassed at the mention of Cardan’s lovers. Even now after we’ve loved each other for all these months, I still wonder how I measure up. I wonder if he thinks of others when he’s with me.
“Do you wish for me to continue?” he asks softly, bringing his hand to my chin. “Yeah.” He leans in and kisses my forehead. I take his hand in mine again. Our legs are intertwined. “Good, because the story gets better from here on.”
“I have been in love twice; first with Nicasia, and second with you, my dear snake charmer of a wife. I knew I loved Nicasia, because no matter how bad things were with my family, I always felt safe enough to entrust her with my problems. She was a light when I was in a very dark place. And I was likewise solace for her, or at least I thought I was. When she left me for Locke, she made light of my pain. Something broke between us that cannot and will not be rebuilt to what it once was.
“But enough about Nicasia. I only mention her in order to answer your question thoroughly. Let’s talk about my love for you.”
He surprises me with a kiss on the mouth, which I happily reciprocate.
“Falling in love with you was like walking down a gradual hill that turned into a cliff. A cliff I never saw coming. Once I’d gone too far, I was past the point of any return.”
He kisses my hand.
“I tried to quit you, I did. I thought I could stop walking down that hill at any time. But no matter what I was doing, or who I was with, I could never get my mind off you. Jude, Jude, Jude. It got harder after you kissed me. Harder still when I kissed you…”
I flush in the dark at the memories of our secluded rendezvous together all those months ago, and those since.
“But it wasn’t just your touch that I yearned for. It was you. Your guidance, your friendship, your courage, your humor. I didn’t know that you were so funny. I didn’t know how much I loved having you around to boss me around, that is, until you weren’t anymore.
“I started free-falling off the cliff of loving you when you were taken to the Undersea. I missed you every minute. I worried about your safety every minute. I barely slept. I would have done anything to get you back to me.
“When you were gone, I realized that like the survivor I am, I could get by as High King without you. But I didn’t want to. I wanted you. I wanted every part of you, the good and the bad. I never wanted to be parted from you ever again. Because I loved you. And that is why-”
“-why you asked me to marry you as soon as I got back.” I finish, understanding.
“Yes. Because I wanted to be yours, and you mine. Equal partners who protect and love each other. When you started reciprocating my affections, I knew that I could finally have a safe landing after falling for so long.
“That’s what love is to me, Jude. Love is even greater than the fairytales say. Love is real. Love is wanting nothing more than the welfare and happiness of the other person. Love is adoring your partner. Love is supporting them in all things.”
Cardan puts his arm around me, pulling me close.
“I love you so much, Jude. I love how strong you are. I love how you stand up for yourself. I love how determined you are to get what you want. I love how regardless of how cruel I was to you over the years, you were never unnecessarily cruel to me when I was under your control. I love how willing you are to help the ones you care about, even when it puts you in danger.”
He kisses my cheek. I can hardly believe he means everything he’s saying.
“I love your smile. I love your laugh. I love your ticklish spots.”
He tickles me, and I let out a squeal, and then I glare at him.
“I love your scowl at me when I’m annoying you.
“You want to know how I know that I love you? It’s because I’ve never felt so happy as I am when I’m with you. No drunken revel could ever compare to when I’m alone with you.
“I’m not satisfied with merely surviving anymore, Jude. I’ve survived my whole life until I started loving you. But with you I thrive.
“Perhaps that is why I am so good to you. Once I realized that being cruel wasn’t helping me to survive anymore, I decided to give love a try. And my love for you makes me want to give you all that I never had. I want you to feel as safe in our home as you did in your parents’. I want you to feel as I feel. Safe and loved.
“Does that answer your questions sufficiently, Jude? I think I got them all.”
I press my forehead to his.
“So what I’m hearing is, you love me,” I say.
“With every bit of my sorry excuse for a heart.”
“Are you really, really sure?” I tease.
“I’m really, really sure,” he replies.
“Well, in that case, I love you too.”
This time, after we kiss goodnight, we stay together, cuddling and sharing a pillow.