Work Text:
1. Kermit
Kermit knocked on the door rapidly, trying to quell his rising frustration.
“Rizzo, c’mon, open up! The cast meeting is in ten minutes, and you still need to present your ideas for the Pizza Rat sketch! It’s cultural relevance is dwindling by the second!”
When no reply came, he grumbled loudly before lifting his tiny green hand to bang on the door again. Before he could connect, it swung ajar in a sudden jarring motion. Light filtered from the dressing room into the dim backstage hall, illuminating the shadowed wooden floor. Kermit wished vaguely for eyelids, so he could blink. Instead he looked down.
“Oh. Er. Hi there, Pepe, I was expecting Rizzo.”
“I know,” the prawn snapped, “I am thinking the whole county knows! Your frog lungs are very loud, and I,” he gestured grandiosely to himself, “am trying to take a nap!”
Kermit coughed, feeling awkward.
“Right. Well. There’s a staff meeting in ten minutes. What are you doing hanging around in Rizzo’s room anyways?”
The prawn shrugged.
“We are the same size. It makes his clothes the perfect size to steal, okay?”
Kermit frowned.
“You have more arms than he does!”
“I also have scissors, okay? Now leave! This king of prawns, he needs his beauty sleep.”
“Yeah, well,” Kermit fumbled for the reigns of the conversation, “Well. If you see Rizzo, tell him-”
“I will be telling him you want to see him. Okay? Okay! Now leave! You are late for your cast meeting.”
With that the door slammed shut. Kermit turned to leave, only to hear a rusty wheezing laugh.
“D’ya think he bought it?”
“Of course he bought it! I am an ACTOR, okay?”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Now help me back into this pizza costume.”
Inexplicably flustered, Kermit dashed towards the stage for the meeting.
2.Bunsen and Beaker
Rizzo and Pepe were playing their usual game of “Who Can We Scam Into Buying Lunch” when Bunsen and Beaker slid across from them at the table. The friendly banter halted immediately as they blankly stared.
“Hello!” Bunsen offered cheerfully.
“Meemeep!” Beaker echoed.
“Uh. Hi,” Rizzo responded. “What, uh. Whatcha up to?”
“Well! I’m glad you asked, my rodentious friend! Beaker and I were hoping to share our luncheon with our two similarly minded friends today!”
Pepe’s antennae twitched.
“So you will be begging off food too?”
Bunsen and Beaker looked at each other and laughed.
“Oh no, I’m sorry, but we won’t be trying to steal anyone’s lunch. WE have worked tirelessly through the night, and have constructed a perfect alternative for the worker on the go!”
“Please don’t blow to table up,” Rizzo muttered, “Please, God, don’t let them blow the table up.”
“Don’t be silly! Of course we won’t be blowing anything up outside of the lab!”
Beaker nodded, meeping in agreement.
“However, as a pair of hard workers yourselves-” Pepe laughed- “We think this might interest you.”
“Is it food?” Rizzo asked bluntly.
“In a way!”
“Is it sentient?”
“Not so far!”
Pepe looked at him and shrugged. He shrugged in return.
“Alright.”
Bunsen jostled excitedly.
“Very well! Prepare to feast your eyes, and your bodies, on THIS!”
He rolled up the arm of his lab coat dramatically to reveal several stickers with various food shapes.
“Uh, Doc, I don’t wanna harsh your vibe here, but are you saying you’re edible, or are you trying the feed us stamps.”
“Not stamps, my dear friend! Oh no, these are no mere stamps at all! These are nutrition patches! A whole serving of food, compiled on a simple slab of sticky paper! We have cut out the need to eat entirely! We’re sure they will be all the rage.”
Beaker meeped excitedly, showing his own arms covered in piles of the things. Bunsen paused, alarmed.
“Beaker, I thought I told you to stick to just a few! These are still in beta testing, there’s no telling what wearing so many at once will do!”
Rizzo chuckled nervously.
“Hey, you guys haven’t seen Willy Wonka by any chance, have you?”
“No, why, does he work here?”
Rizzo and Pepe slowly started making their way from the table.
“Great visit. I would rethink the nutrient patch thing, though. Taste and smell and texture are all parts of what make food so great!!
“Plus, the unions, they will be all over you, okay? Workers will be told to wear patches instead of eat, it will be a whole mess, okay?”
“Oh, I wouldn’t worry, Mr. Prawn! Beaker and I have been in our own union for quite some time! Another thing we have in common!”
“....Yeah, sure, okay! Just be ready to juice him.”
“Juice him?”
Beaker slowly began to swell, turning purple.
“Juice him.”
In the frantic mayhem left behind them, one could almost miss the small exchange.
“How do you think he knew about the actors guild for small animals?”
“I dunno, okay? My question is how long until Kermit decides our next parody movie is gonna be Willy Wonka!”
“Honestly,” Rizzo added, “I’m shocked we haven’t done it already.”
3. Gonzo
“Wait, you’re moving out?”
Rizzo stopped to look up at him from throwing things in a suitcase.
“Of the room? Yeah.”
“But where will you go?”
Rizzo dropped the jacket he was holding and jumped up to sit on the bed.
“Well. It’s a bit pricier, rent-wise, but I was thinking down the hall.”
“You pay rent?”
Rizzo wished his eyes could roll.
“No you lamebrain, and neither do you! We all live in the same house, I just thought, you know, it might be time for me to move up in the world. Literally. I’m bunking with Pepe now, things are a little more my size with him.”
Gonzo frowned.
“Is this because I keep stepping on your stuff on accident?”
“It is, in fact! It is in part because of that!”
“I said I was sorry!”
“And I forgive you but you can’t help being a big.....whatever you are any more than I can help being a rat! And when a rat’s stuff gets crushed for the twenty thousandth time, a rat starts looking for other lodging.”
Gonzo sat on the floor so they were eye level.
“You’re not mad at me?”
Rizzo laughed.
“Nah, besides. I think your girlfriend wants to eat me.”
“Camilla would never!”
“A chicken can’t help being a chicken anymore than a rat can help being a rat!”
“Why not live with some of the other rats then?”
Rizzo scoffed.
“I’m related to most of em, and the ones I’m not want their own space too. If y’know what I mean.”
“I don’t!”
“Yeah that’s for the best. Anyway, aside from not getting stepped on anymore-”
“That was only once!”
“Ahem! Aside from not getting stepped on anymore, I think me bunking with Pepe would be good for us from now on too. Give us a chance to grow the act without being around each other all the time.”
Gonzo shrugged, setting a blue hand on Rizzo’s shoulder.
“Well. I like being around you all the time, Rizzo. We’re best friends. But if this is what you wanna do, go live with the prawn, I understand. Besides, I can finally fit that chicken coop in here!”
Rizzo laughed awkwardly.
“Yeah you go wild buddy. I’m gonna finish packing.”
Pepe poked his head in.
“Hey, Ritzo, you ready to go?”
Rizzo pulled Gonzo’s hand off his shoulder before hopping down.
“Yeah almost.”
Pepe squinted.
“There is a weird energy in this room right now, eh?”
“That’s just Gonzo. He can’t help it.”
“It’s a medical condition!”
“I pity your doctor,” Pepe stated.
Rizzo grabbed his suitcase and dragged it to the door.
“Hey buddy, any chance I can get some help with these?”
“Oh, sure!” Gonzo leaned over to pick them up, only to heave and huff dramatically trying to lift the tiny luggage with his fingers. “Oh wow, what do you have in these, rocks?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Rizzo scoffed, “It’s the set of encyclopedias my mom sent me for Christmas. Now let’s go, it’s just upstairs!”
He and Pepe ran ahead before Gonzo could object.
“Well,” he muttered, “At least the suit each other well.” He jiggled the suitcases in silent reiteration of the pun.
4. Miss Piggy
She saw them practicing ballroom dance with Pepe in a tutu and just assumed.
+1
Rizzo frowned at the mail.
Pepe looked up from the blueprints of the vending machine he was studying.
“What’s wrong? You look upset. We’re finally pulling off the snack heist of our dreams, okay! We’re never paying for chips again! This is a time of joy, okay?”
Rizzo hesitated.
“I just got a letter from my ma.”
Pepe got up and walked over, concerned.
“Is everything ok?”
“Yeah, it’s alright, it’s just. Well, look.”
Pepe scanned it over.
“Congratulations on your- Oh. She thinks we’re?”
“Yeah. And I mentioned it and turns out she’s not the only one.”
Pepe frowned.
“Really?”
“Yeah! Like what, just because we live together, we’re in a relationship?”
“And eat together every day?”
“And are listed as each others emergency contacts?”
“And know each other’s bank account information?”
“Wait, what?“
“Nothing! We were listing things!”
“I’m changing my pin number.”
“Eh, I can guess it again.”
“Pepe!”
“Back to the list, okay! And we, uh, we share clothes!”
“Sure, if laundry’s backed up! And we, um, we hatch schemes together!”
“Snack heist!”
“Snack heist!”
“And sometimes at night if I am lonely I steal your blankets to simulate the warmth of another person!”
“That’s- I have nothing to say to that.”
“Well I wouldn’t have to do that if I could just crawl in with you, okay?”
“You- Wait. Pepe do you WANT to be in a relationship?”
“I don’t know! If we get married we can’t testify against each other in court.”
“True. And it would be a pretty big tax break, if either of us paid taxes.”
“Kermit and Piggy would finally have competition, okay? We can overthrow there cutest couple powerstreak and usher in a new age! It’s the time of rat and prawn, okay!”
“Year of the rat, baby!”
“And prawn!”
“And prawn!”
They both stared at each other for a moment.
“So I guess she was right. We are in a relationship.”
Pepe shrugged.
“Eh. I could do worse. And you could not do better.”
Rizzo wished again, and not for the last time, that he could roll his eyes.
“Whatever you say, babe.”