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Alex woke up and looked at the woman by his side. He knew they were in for a tough and emotional day. They thought they were done with the bumps on their road when she got out of the rehab center, but they had yet another tough year ahead of them.
Their second wedding felt like the fresh start neither of them knew they needed, and, not much long later, they were facing the consequences of all the fun they had that day as they sat in front of the toilet with five sticks full of pee and second lines between their fingers.
Jo felt lost, scared, and sick (mostly sick, as she was not able to spend more than a couple minutes away from the bathroom), but soon grew as excited as her husband about the news.
Alex insisted on paying a visit to the gynecologist’s office first thing in the morning the following day. With a big smile across his face, he guided his wife across the hospital as if she was his most prized possession. She was that, after all. It was obvious that, even before knowing about the baby, she was the most important person in his life, but after they learned about the little thing they had made from love, he simply had no other option but to take the absolute best care of her. If he could have everything done his way, he would have wrapped her body up in bubble wrap, just to make sure things would be okay. If only they were as simple as that...
They held hands and shed tears as they stared at their future that fit so perfectly within the limits of that screen. The future they both knew they wanted so bad. Maybe not in that exact moment, but it was so meant to be that the thoughts that revolved around plans and timing evaporated swiftly, and all that was left was happiness and hope.
Jo pretended to be so done with his comments about her newfound glow, but would often find herself in front of the mirror daydreaming about what she was going to look like in a few months, poking her stomach out and running her hand over it, pretending to be oblivious of her actions as soon as he walked into the room, making him laugh every single time.
Things were perfect until they weren’t anymore. After three weeks of love and joy, their world fell apart completely around them. It started with some spotting that had evolved to a full-blown bleeding by the time they made it to the hospital. Their worst fear was confirmed, as they no longer could see, no matter how hard they tried, the little flickering movement of the small heart on that screen. The same exact screen that had shown them the most beautiful future just three short weeks earlier.
For Josephine’s mental health, they decided together that it would be better for her to get a D&C. It would, maybe, just maybe, make the suffering last a little bit less.
Alex held her hand through the entire thing, trying to keep his own tears away from her sight. He had to be strong for her, he just had to. He could see no other option. He failed at that. She did see his tears, but she could also see how lucky she was for having someone who cared by her side. Her husband took the best possible care of her for the days that came after that. And he made sure she was doing at least okay all around, driving her to and from appointments with Carly, who, once again, did such a great job taking care of Jo’s soul during the toughest of times.
Carly suggested that it would be a great idea if they both reached out to their friends who had been through similar situations, so they did. While doing that, they could see that they were not alone. Unlike other times when they were hurting, this kind of pain was one that was so often felt by other people. People who were so close to them, they were able to share the most honest and helpful words of comfort and advice. Meredith, Arizona, April and Jackson, Amelia and even Bailey were some of the people who took them in and shared their stories. And by seeing them all as happy as they were while they talked, they could both see that, although grief is not a feeling that shrinks until it fades away completely, it is something that you can totally learn how to live with and lead a happy life. It takes effort and it takes time for that to happen, but it’s possible, and they were going to learn how to live with that together.
April suggested that they could write a letter to the baby. She did that with Jackson when they lost Sam. Carly loved the idea when they shared it with her, so they were going to do it together. Not right away, though.
They were going to write the letter when they were both ready for it. Alex, very much like in other aspects of their life, was ready and eager to do it before she was, but, just like the other times, he waited until it was her turn to feel ready as well. He was used to waiting and was hopeful that things would be just fine between them.
They had some bad days and some good days during the months that came after the saddest day of their lives, but, although days were good more and more often as time passed, Alex knew, while he stared at his sleeping wife, that they were in for a bad one.
Waking up, Jo saw him looking at her, her eyes filling up with tears immediately, as he pulled her close. “We were supposed to meet our baby today” she said through a teary smile.
“Yeah, my love. We really were” he kissed the top of her head, holding back some tears of his own. Being in silence in each other’s arms was what they needed to start their day. It felt comfortable, homely, and right.
“Alex” she called him.
“You okay?” he looked into her eyes, drying some tears with his thumb.
“I think I’m ready” Jo said. “I want to write the letter today” she sat up.
“Are you sure?” he asked worriedly.
“Yeah. I want to do it” she nodded.
“Okay. I’ll grab some papers and an envelope. Maybe I can make us some waffles later. Today calls for waffles” he stood up before walking over to her side of the bed and kissing her lips, gently running his hand across her back.
“Yeah. I’ll make us some coffee, then” Jo yawned.
------------------------------------------------------
“Ready?” Alex asked, receiving a confident nod from Jo as a response.
“Can I write it?” she asked him.
“Sure. Here. Take it” he placed the pen in her hand and placed the envelope in front of her
“From mommy and daddy, to our little one” Jo wrote on the envelope. “You okay?” she asked Alex, realizing he also had tears in his eyes.
“Yeah. Let’s do this” he rubbed her back, eyes focusing on the papers in front of them one more time.
“Dear Little Baby,
We are so sorry this is how things have to be between us now. We are so sorry we never got to meet you, and you never got to meet us. You weren’t planned, but you were so deeply wanted, little one. Like a little dream come true. A dream we hadn’t even acknowledged that was there, but still the most beautiful one.
It is so easy to love you. It still is. Even before we knew about you, maybe even before you were conceived, we started making room for you in our home and in our hearts. It was not hard to make a spot for you, not even in our tiny apartment that we would definitely have to get rid of if you were still here with us. Maybe you were planned, after all. We might have just been a little too scared to admit it to ourselves.
You made us a family, baby. In just three weeks, without ever seeing you or touching you or taking in your sweet smell, you made our biggest dream come true. You changed our lives in the best possible way, and we will never forget about this. We will never forget you, our first baby.
We will always remember the way we felt when we first found out about you. What a scare that was. The most beautiful mix of utter shock, fear, excitement, and love. We will never forget the things you did for us. You made your mother finally realize that she is ready to be a mom. She now knows that she has been ready for some time, but maybe you were the missing piece that was so needed for her to admit that to herself. And your father... Your daddy hasn’t always been the way he is now. He changed a whole lot over the years and made himself into the beautiful man he is today. And although this has been a long process, you were an oh so important piece in that puzzle as well. Your dad has and will always have the biggest heart for you.
Sometimes, things that we cannot possibly understand happen, and losing you is one of them. We will never understand. The parts of our hearts that were left empty when we lost you will always belong to you.
Thank you for the amazing three weeks you spent with us. Those were the best ones of our lives. Thank you for changing us, for making us better people, for making us a family. No matter what the future holds for us, you will always be our first little one.
Until we meet again, with all the love in the world,
Mommy and Daddy”
“I love you” Jo said, running her fingers across the paper and smiling at Alex.
“I love you too. So much” he placed her hair behind her ear.
“Let’s put this away, then” Jo folded the paper and placed it inside the envelope, while Alex grabbed the little box and the two other things that were supposed to go inside it with the letter.
Jo picked up a tiny onesie and pulled it up to her chest, closing her eyes. She nodded and let out a sigh that felt so final to her and her husband before placing the onesie and the letter inside the small box.
Alex was holding tight to the yellow hat his mother had knitted. He bit his lips trying to keep the tears at bay, which he was able to do until he felt his wife’s arm pull him close. He gently placed the hat inside the box, and Jo closed it.
They held hands making their way to the closet where the box would be placed, put it away together and sat down on their bed, silence and tears creeping on them for some minutes until Alex decided to act, standing up and walking to the fridge, grabbing two beers and opening them. Maybe it was still a bit too early for that, but screw it.
He made his way back to their bed and held one hand out to help Jo stand up. “Take it. It will be a rough day. We both deserve it” he offered her one of the bottles.
“I really shouldn’t, Alex. But we can eat waffles and watch tv for the rest of the day” Jo smiled at him with her head slightly tilted after drying her tears.
“Come on, Jo. I know we’re trying again, but one beer will not kill you” he resonated with her.
“It won’t kill me, but it might hurt our baby” she smiled at him again, her eyes filling with tears one more time.
Alex looked at her, taking in what she said and not understanding if there was a baby already or if she was referring to the baby they may or may not make in the future. He tried to ask her what she meant, but was too busy and confused trying to solve the puzzle by himself.
“I’m pregnant, Alex” Jo let out.
Alex noticed how her hands had been sitting on top of her stomach. He had never pulled her close so fast before. Words did not need to be said at that moment. Maybe that day was going to be a good one, after all.