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Step 1: You don't
Kei has mastered this step. He's been practicing it for years now, after all. He doesn't remember when things changed and he started feeling all these things that he didn't want to. There's no specific event or moment that he can pinpoint. All he knows is that one day Yamaguchi was just a friend, his best and only, and then suddenly, like the flick of a switch, Yamaguchi was everything.
Is everything.
In the mornings when he wakes up, there's usually a text waiting for him. It's always Yamaguchi because no one else texts him and it always wishes him a good morning, sometimes with those weird little emoticons and other times with a picture taken out the window in Yamaguchi's room.
When he leaves for school, he walks right to their spot to meet with Yamaguchi. Sometimes he gets there first despite Yamaguchi being awake first but he never has to wait for more than a couple minutes before he hears his name and then Yamaguchi is there, pink cheeked and panting a little like he ran here.
He walks to class with Yamaguchi and sits in class with Yamaguchi.
He tries not to get distracted in class by Yamaguchi.
He has lunch with him and walks to volleyball practice with him.
He walks home with him, spends the weekend with him.
Yamaguchi is everything and everywhere and Kei can't get enough of him.
He wants more of him.
But he keeps his mouth shut and his feelings to himself and says nothing.
Step 2: Bury it so deep, it may as well be denial
Kei doesn't think about it. It sits in the back of his mind like a looming presence but he ignores it and tells himself he will deal with it eventually. It's been so many years and eventually hasn't come yet and at this point he's not sure he even wants it to. He ignores it and pretends it doesn't exist.
But it's hard when Yamaguchi is...
When he's...
Kei lowers the water bottle from his lips at the same time that Yamaguchi laughs from the court. His face is bright with a wide smile that scrunches up his nose and makes his eyes close, sweat beading on his forehead and making the tufts of hair hanging down cling onto his skin. He's holding the ball in his hands, having just caught it after Nishinoya slammed it into the ground and made it bounce so high it almost hit the ceiling.
Kei isn't watching the others, not even when Tanaka runs over to grab the ball from Yamaguchi for his turn to do whatever the hell they're doing now. His eyes are locked onto Yamaguchi and he watches as Yamaguchi grabs the hem of his shirt and leans down to wipe his face with it. A mere sliver of his stomach becomes visible at the movement and Kei tightens his grip on his bottle.
He doesn't look away when Yamaguchi looks across the gymnasium and catches his eye either. He looks, unashamed because he has no reason to be embarrassed, as Yamaguchi sends him a smile—a softer one, more private—and lifts his hand in a wave. Kei doesn't respond but he knows Yamaguchi doesn't expect him to either.
And he keeps looking as Yamaguchi looks away and runs off to join the others.
“You're staring,” a voice says to his side in a singsong voice.
Kei pries his eyes away from Yamaguchi and looks at Sugawara instead. Sugawara is heading over to him, eyes not on him but on the court. He's watching them, no doubt waiting for something to go wrong because they're goofing around and something usually goes wrong.
Daichi left to go to the bathroom and left them under Sugawara's supervision because neither Ukai nor Takeda are here either but Sugawara has done nothing to stop them. Not yet, at least.
Kei looks away and lifts the bottle to his lips. “I'm watching,” he says before taking a sip.
“Just watching, not gonna join the fun?”
Kei gives him a look. “Sure,” he deadpans. “I love wasting time slamming balls into the ground and see who can hit the ceiling first.”
“I think they're trying to see who can get it the highest.”
“And how will they ever know?”
Sugawara laughs beside him. “Maybe by hitting the ceiling,” he says.
“Productive.”
Next to him, Sugawara hums. After a beat, he says, “You're not that subtle, you know.”
“I don't know what you're talking about,” Kei says even though he has a feeling he does.
“I'm sure you don't,” Sugawara says. “You know, Tsukishima, denial isn't cute.”
“I'm not cute.”
“I can think of at least one person who would disagree.”
“And I'm not in denial either,” Kei says, ignoring him.
Sugawara sends him a narrow eyed look. It lasts all but a second but the don't be stupid comes across anyway. The look disappears with a sigh that sounds almost exasperated as he shakes his head and tilts his head back, hands on his hips. He says, “Ah, the youth.”
“You're two years older than me.”
“Hopeless,” Sugawara continues and pats his shoulder, “repressed youth.”
Kei shrugs his hand off and bends down to put his water bottle back on the floor, right next to Yamaguchi's. When he stands back up straight, he doesn't spare so much as a glance to Sugawara. He just steps forward and keeps walking toward the net, eyes back on Yamaguchi as he serves the ball in Hinata's direction.
Yamaguchi is still smiling, bright and beautifully.
“Tsukishima!” Sugawara calls behind him.
Reluctantly, Kei slows down and looks back at him over his shoulder.
Sugawara is standing right where he left him. There's a wide and toothy smile on his face and when Kei locks eyes with him, he lifts his arm and extends his thumb. Brightly, he says, “Go for it!”
Kei blinks at him. Then he turns around and grabs the ball from Hinata.
He ignores the heat rising to his cheeks.
Step 3: Don't be jealous
Yamaguchi blushes around Yachi and Kei hates it.
He doesn't hate Yachi, surprisingly. Not because she's particularly easy to hate, far from it, but because Kei doesn't like people most of the time. He can count the people he genuinely likes on one hand and the list includes Yamaguchi, his mom, and his brother. He tolerates people way more than he likes them. Mostly, he just doesn't care.
He cares about Yachi and how Yamaguchi acts around her. Blushing and laughing nervously and scratching his head like all the confidence he's worked on building all these years has been knocked down a few pegs. Kei doesn't look at them whenever they stand near each other because he doesn't like the ugly feeling it makes him feel.
It doesn't happen all that often but it happens often enough.
And yet he still waits outside the gymnasium while Yamaguchi talks with her after practice because he always waits for him and he doesn't want to miss out on their walk home. He's gotten so used to walking home with Yamaguchi by his side that walking home without him doesn't feel right.
Because they're best friends and damn it if Kei doesn't also love him.
He can't fool himself into believing he wouldn't stand here all night if it meant just five minutes with Yamaguchi. Because deep down, as much as he denies it and tries not to think about it, he knows that he would.
Kei lets out a tired breath and lets his shoulders slump a little. He turns his head and looks toward the open doors to the gymnasium. He can hear sneakers squeak against the floor and doesn't need to peak inside to know that Hinata and Kageyama are still practicing even though practice ended a while ago.
Distantly, he can hear Yamaguchi laugh a nervous laugh.
Kei's lips tighten. Loudly, he calls out, “Hurry up, Yamaguchi! Or I'm leaving without you!”
“Sorry, Tsukki!” he hears Yamaguchi call back immediately.
A minute later, Yamaguchi comes out from the gymnasium. There's a smile on his lips that grows wider as he directs it at Kei. It's not an apologetic one because Yamaguchi is never sorry for making him wait. He knows Kei will wait for him.
Kei is annoyed by it but he loves it.
Step 4: He beats you to it
They walk off the school grounds in silence. Kei's headphones rest lightly around his neck, plugged into his phone but his phone remains off and his headphones remain silent because they always are when he's walking with Yamaguchi. He doesn't feel the need to shut out the world when it's just him and Yamaguchi.
They walk in silence for a while and it's comfortable. It's nice. After being stuck in a gymnasium with loud and tireless people for hours, it feels good to just walk here in comfortable silence with Yamaguchi next to him. Kei almost smiles at the ground below his feet. Almost.
If he's not careful, it might slip onto his lips.
Yamaguchi is the one to break the silence, not surprisingly.
“Tsukki?” he says, quietly and questioningly.
Kei doesn't look at him. He hums to let him know he heard him but keeps his eyes forward.
“Have you ever kissed anyone before?” Yamaguchi asks.
“No,” Kei tells him because he hasn't.
“Really?” Yamaguchi sounds surprised.
He shouldn't be.
“Yeah,” Kei says and throws him a glance. “Is that surprising?”
Yamaguchi hums in thought. He says, “I guess not.”
Kei hesitates a beat, then he asks, “Have you?”
He's not sure he wants to know the answer, especially not if it's a yes, but he asks anyway.
“No,” Yamaguchi says and Kei releases a quiet, relieved breath. “But I'd like to. At some point.”
Kei doesn't reply to that.
“Do you ever think about it?” Yamaguchi asks after a moment.
“No,” Kei lies. He pauses, glances at Yamaguchi again.
Yamaguchi is already looking back at him, watching him. Kei feels observed.
He looks away and quietly mutters, “Maybe sometimes.”
“I do,” Yamaguchi says. “Pretty often, actually.”
“Is that so?”
Out of the corner of his eye, Kei sees Yamaguchi nodding and when he looks at him again, he sees a blush forming on his cheeks.
Kei holds onto his bag a little tighter.
“Anyone specific?” he makes himself ask, even though his chest hurts.
He doesn't want to know or have this conversation.
Yamaguchi meets his eye with a smile. “Someone specific,” he says.
Kei looks at him and tries not to feel jealous.
He fails.
Yamaguchi lets the conversation drop though for which Kei is grateful and they both fall silent as they continue walking. But Kei is on edge now. Part of him wants to ask Yamaguchi who he's been thinking about kissing and the rest of him doesn't want to know the answer if the answer isn't him.
A minute passes, then another and a third.
Neither of them say a word but Kei looks at Yamaguchi and Yamaguchi looks at him. Sometimes, at least. He keeps looking away again, the corners of his lips curled up into a tight and nervous smile and his cheeks are flushed. It's not that cold and the wind is still.
Kei isn't stupid and he knows Yamaguchi.
His heart almost trips over itself and he holds his breath.
Maybe...
Maybe.
“Yamaguchi,” he starts but Yamaguchi cuts him off.
“Did you know I looked up to you when we were kids?” he asks him.
Kei blinks at him. “You were short,” he says because he's nothing if not an asshole.
Yamaguchi shoves at him halfheartedly and says, “No, you were just freakishly tall.”
Kei tsks. “Freakishly tall,” he repeats in a mutter.
“Yeah,” Yamaguchi says and chuckles. “You were just... so cool.”
“Were,” Kei says and looks up with an inhale. “Past tense. So I'm not cool anymore?”
“You are,” Yamaguchi says and slaps his shoulder. “Stop ruining this, Tsukki.”
“Ruin what? You being sentimental about our childhood?”
“No, I'm trying to tell you something.”
Kei stops talking.
The silence between them is suddenly heavy and charged. Kei holds his breath and doesn't look away from Yamaguchi, though Yamaguchi doesn't look back at him. He has his eyes on the ground and is fidgeting with the strap of his bag. His blush has darkened.
Oh, Kei thinks to himself.
“You know I like you, right?” Yamaguchi asks then.
“I would hope so,” Kei says, a little breathy. “We're friends.”
“Not like that, Tsukki.”
Yamaguchi meets his eye finally and the look in them is one of determination.
A beat passes between them, then Yamaguchi says, “I love you, Kei.”
It knocks the breath right out of Kei and he stops walking.
Yamaguchi doesn't. He keeps walking—one step, two steps, six steps and then he finally stop. He takes in a deep breath, his shoulders rising with it, before he turns around to face Kei. He still looks nervous and while the smile on his lips tries to come off as his usual bright and happy one, Kei can see right through it.
“I've loved you for a long time,” Yamaguchi says and exhales.
Kei stares at him for a long, never ending minute.
The world moves around them and a gust of wind brushes by them but he doesn't notice.
Kei looks at Yamaguchi and Yamaguchi holds his gaze, shoulders set.
After what feels like an eternity, Kei clears his throat and lowers his chin while he lifts a hand to push his glasses up the bridge of his nose in an attempt to hide his face and the blush that suddenly warms it. He probably doesn't succeed but he does it anyway.
He sucks in a breath and admits, “Me too.”
The confession comes out quietly but not so quiet that Yamaguchi won't hear it.
When Yamaguchi speaks, his smile is audible. “I know,” he says.
Kei'z gaze snaps to him in surprise.
Yamaguchi's smile is still nervous but it's less anxious.
“I know you, Tsukki,” he says. “I wasn't gonna say anything. Didn't want to push you if you weren't ready but I got impatient and just had to tell you. It was gonna burst out of me. Yachi-san told me to wait and give you time but I just couldn't.”
Kei blinks. “Yachi—”
“Yeah,” Yamaguchi says and scratches his cheek. “We've been bonding over our crushes. Did you know she likes Shimizu-senpai?”
Kei did not.
“Oh,” he says out loud and feels stupid.
“Yeah,” Yamaguchi says softly. “Oh.”
They look at each other, eyes locked under the streetlights.
Yamaguchi smiles at him and Kei doesn't even try to stop the smile that grows on his lips too. It comes so easy. And when Yamaguchi holds out his hand, Kei doesn't hesitate for more than a split second before he steps forward and slides his own into his and holds on.
Neither of them let go until they reach the Tsukishima house.
Step 5: If it's mutual, revel in it
Akiteru pokes his head out seconds after they step through the door. It's Friday and he's visiting for the weekend, not because Karasuno has a match this week that he doesn't want to miss or because there's a holiday but because he has a car now and he can. He's smiling the moment he sees Kei and it only gets wider when he spots Yamaguchi too.
Kei turns his back to him and crouches down to take his shoes off. His cheeks still feel warm, his hand like a furnace because it's had Yamaguchi's wrapped around it for so long, and he doesn't need his brother to know.
“Tadashi!” Akiteru says excitedly. “Haven't seen you in a while.”
“You saw him last time you were here,” Kei comments in a low voice.
In front of him, Yamaguchi chuckles as he steps out of his shoes. “Nice to see you, Akiteru-san,” he says because he's polite.
“Are you staying for dinner?” Akiteru asks. “It should be done soon.”
“Ah.” Yamaguchi looks down at Kei. Kei is already looking at him and Yamaguchi smiles as he asks, “Am I?”
Kei shrugs and stands up, shoes off. “If you want,” he says.
Please do, he doesn't say.
But Yamaguchi is Yamaguchi so he knows what it means.
He smiles, wide and toothy. “Then I am,” he tells Akiteru.
Kei leaves without a word to his brother and Yamaguchi follows only a second after. They head into his room and for the first time since the first time Yamaguchi came over when they were kids, Kei is nervous about having him in his room.
He closes the door anyway and then they're alone.
The silence that falls over them is heavy. It's not awkward or uncomfortable, just heavy.
Yamaguchi is the first to move, after the silence has dragged on for too long. He walks over to the desk and puts his bag down where he always does; right beside it. Then he walks over to the bed and sits down on the edge. His eyes are on the floor for a moment, then he lifts them and locks them with Kei's as he pats the spot next to him.
Kei looks at him. Then he walks over and sits down next to him.
Yamaguchi is as nervous as he is, Kei can tell. But he's starting to become more impatient than he is nervous and he wants to kiss him. He wants to kiss him so bad, his chest hurts with it.
He takes in a breath and lets it out as a sigh.
“Are we gonna sit here all night?” he asks then, when neither of them move.
Yamaguchi shushes him. “I'm working up the courage,” he says.
“Oh, okay,” Kei says and lays back on the bed. “Don't mind me then.”
He stares up at the ceiling and counts the seconds. He makes it past one hundred when Yamaguchi moves and lays down next to him. Their shoulders touch like this, their legs hanging down over the edge of the bed. Kei doesn't look at him. He doesn't need to because only five seconds pass before Yamaguchi takes in a breath and rolls onto his side, lifting himself up on his elbow to lean over him.
It brings them closer together and Kei looks into his eyes, then down at his lips, then back at his eyes. Yamaguchi isn't looking back, he's looking at his lips. Kei wets them and decides to close his eyes when Yamaguchi starts leaning down and then he kisses him.
The kiss is feather light and barely a kiss at all, merely a hesitant press of lips, but it sends warmth through Kei's whole body and he forgets how to breathe for the two seconds it lasts. And then it's over and Yamaguchi is pulling away but Kei keeps his eyes closed, lips tingling.
Kissing isn't like in the movies. They always make it seem like something so huge and explosive but it's quite the opposite. Kissing—at least kissing Yamaguchi—is calming. Yamaguchi's lips touched his and his mind suddenly went quiet. Every muscle in his body relaxed and he feels so at ease now, he briefly wonder if he's even awake.
He takes in a steady breath and opens his eyes.
Hovering above him, Yamaguchi looks stunned. He hasn't gone far back, still close enough that when he releases a breath, Kei can feel it tickle his own lips. Kei wants to touch him so he lifts a hand and puts it on Yamaguchi's cheek, thumb brushing over his freckled skin.
Yamaguchi leans into the touch, not breaking eye contact.
“Tsukki,” he says in a whisper. “Tell me.”
Kei doesn't have to ask what he means because he knows.
“I love you,” he says in an answering whisper. “Tadashi.”
Yamaguchi smiles at him and moves. Kei starts closing his eyes, expecting Yamaguchi to kiss him again, but Yamaguchi doesn't. He lifts up, throws one leg over Kei, and sits down, straddling his hips.
Kei stares up at him, a little wide eyed, and his hands hover awkwardly for a moment before he lets gravity take them and they land to rest carefully on Yamaguchi's thighs just above his bend knees. Yamaguchi is smiling down at him and Kei holds his breath when he reaches up and grabs his glasses by the temples. He pulls them off and Kei lets him and the world becomes blurry.
“And now I can't see,” he says in a murmur.
Yamaguchi chuckles and sits back to lean over and put his glasses away. Kei can't see him properly anymore, not this far away and without his glasses, and he doesn't like that. His hands move on their own up along Yamaguchi's thighs until they find his hips and he pulls himself up to sit.
Yamaguchi's face comes into focus, his freckles surrounded by a flush that make his cheeks look like little strawberries. That's much better.
Kei kisses him the second Yamaguchi turns his head back toward him. Yamaguchi makes a noise of surprise against his lips but it takes but a moment before he relaxes and kisses him back, his hands flying to Kei's face as he does. This kiss is firmer but no less quietening.
How long they sit there—kissing and exploring, touching and feeling, shutting out the world with each brush of lips—Kei has no idea. He loses track of time quickly and could not care less about it. But it's all too soon when his brother's voice calls them down for dinner and shatters the little bubble they've wrapped themselves into.
Kei wants to ignore him but he knows better. His door doesn't have a lock either.
So, reluctantly, he leans away and breaks the kiss. He doesn't want to nor does he want to go have dinner when he could sit here and kiss Yamaguchi until they're both stupid and too tired to move. He especially doesn't want to have dinner when his cheeks are flushed, his lips are kissed red, and his pants have gotten tighter.
Yamaguchi seems to be in the same predicament. They notice it at the same time when Yamaguchi shifts in his lap and they share a wide eyed and red cheeked look before Yamaguchi's face scrunches up in a choked off snort.
A beat passes, then they both start laughing.
It takes Akiteru knocking on the door for them to untangle and come down.
And if Akiteru or Kei's mom notice anything's different, they say nothing.
Step 6: Never let go
Nothing changes between them.
Yamaguchi is still Yamaguchi and Kei is still Kei. They act the same as they always have and are no different when they're around the team and everyone else. No PDA because even the thought of it makes Kei uncomfortable. Yamaguchi doesn't try and he doesn't ask if he can either and Kei knows it's because he knows him so well that he doesn't have to. And Kei finds comfort in that.
Sometimes they share a private smile at each other and sometimes their touch lingers when they pass the ball or a water bottle or a towel to each other or when they switch out during a match but no more. It's the same as always and they don't change how they act.
But when they walk home alone, just the two of them, they hold hands and Yamaguchi buys them a pair of earbuds to switch out Kei's headphones so they can listen to one of Kei's playlists as they walk home from time to time.
Silence is nice and comfortable around Yamaguchi but sometimes, just sometimes, having music playing in his ear while his hand is wrapped around Yamaguchi's is nice too.
And when they part ways on the rarer and rarer times they don't both go to either of their houses, they share a kiss and Kei walks home smiling.