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Adrien was lucky.
In the past months, his father had become less strict. He was even allowing Adrien to have his friends at photoshoots with him. It was always a bittersweet experience to watch his friends laugh and play without him but it was also worth it, just for the few moments he was able to interact with them during breaks. His friends made photoshoots better. He knew it was a boring experience, but they didn’t seem to mind. Everyone had made it to at least one shoot, except for Marinette.
The situation with Lila was always discomforting, though his friends' presence helped keep Lila’s insinuations at bay, even if they were still oblivious to her lies. Her poses in photoshoots were still suggestive, but she always blamed their ‘chemistry’ and not her intentions. It didn’t make it any less uncomfortable, but at least it only lasted while the camera pointed at them.
Kagami tried her best to help. Even though they had figured out relatively quickly that their relationship wouldn’t work out, she was still a supportive presence. It made him wish he could force the sentiments, but the more time he spent with Kagami, the more he knew that he could not have the same feelings for her as he did for Ladybug. It had pained him every time he saw Ladybug. His heart ached knowing there were more obstacles between him and the heroine, and that it was he who had put them there.
In the end, Kagami ended their relationship after the second date, citing that they were better off as friends. It had been an uncomfortable transition, but in the end, she had become a close confidant. Kagami had been right; they were the best emotional support for each other.
She had even coached him through the confusion that mounted when Marinette was around, though she wasn’t around much lately. Marinette had changed. She’d become more reclusive and quiet, but he was finding she could talk to him now. Not the sputtering conversations they had when he thought she didn't like him, but actual normal conversations. It was like a wall had been torn down between them. He loved being able to communicate with her.
It had been a few weeks since Kagami helped him figure why there was fluttering in his stomach whenever Marinette was around and was probably growing tired of his complaints of sweaty palms and runaway hearts every time he saw the blue eyes or heard her voice. It had been weeks of hearing Ladybug’s voice, only to think of Marinette. He didn’t tell Kagami about this particular affliction, though.
She was probably regretting ever knowing him as he talked himself in circles but she was patient enough as he tried to decipher the best course of action around his newly defined emotions.
Marinette was beautiful; mind, body and soul, and Adrien wondered if he deserved her, or if she even liked him. Kagami threw a shoe at his head once, when he could not stop waxing poetic about Marinette’s hand after they’d accidentally brushed together in the hall.
Whenever he argued that Marinette didn’t show any inclinations towards him, Kagami proclaimed that their previous interactions were proof that Marinette was head over heels in love with him. He wasn't sure. The worst thing was that the more time he spent figuring out his feelings, the less he thought he’d be able to actually act on them.
What would he do if she did love him back?
He wondered at how Marinette could overshadow his lady in such a short time even when she wasn’t even around.
Could she handle his baggage? Which not only included his dysfunctional family, but Chat Noir and Ladybug, and Hawk Moth.
Not to mention that he was still in love with Ladybug. He had half admitted and Kagami had half guessed it after they ended their romantic relationship, but she had laughed when he mentioned it as the same obstacle that had been between them. She seemed to think it wouldn’t make a difference if he pursued Marinette, but would never explain her reasoning.
He hadn’t told Kagami he was Chat Noir, of course, even though that was yet another obstacle between him and Marinette. He didn’t think Marinette would appreciate that after Chat had rejected her advances.
Then there was the incident the week before to account for. Ladybug had been different since she became the guardian. More driven but also distracted. He hadn’t thought it was his place to comment about it, but lately, he had noticed Ladybug was having trouble keeping her balance. It was like her attitude during Gamer’s second akumatization had become her new personality. She seemed to be running on fumes and so he had offered to share the burden of the Miracle Box’s guardianship with her.
He didn’t regret the offer. Especially when the akumatized villains had become too dangerous and caused his death as Chat Noir more frequently than they used to. She always brought him back, of course, but he worried about the toll it was taking on her. And he wondered: was he willing to make Marinette suffer through his memory loss when he would have to renounce the guardianship? How much time would they lose? What treasured memories was he willing to sacrifice?
Even with all his concerns, Adrien still spent countless hours drafting poems to the eyes that kept him awake at night. After winning her fifth fencing match in a row against him, Kagami had suggested he confess and ask Marinette on a date for Valentine’s day. He had deflated then, feeling as brave as he had when they’d fought Reverser. Did he have the courage to do that? It wouldn’t be his first confession to a girl, but confessing to Ladybug as Chat Noir seemed so different.
“Adrien.” The pinch on his arm got his attention where the call of his name failed. Adrien roused himself and glanced at an upset Lila, who was clinging to his arm. “Focus,” Lila hissed. “You can go play with them when we’re done,” referring to Alya and Nino playing thumb wars on the side, not knowing that his mind was a few blocks away with the friend that hadn’t been able to make it again.
“Less talking, more posing!” The photographer sing-song, and the slight wrinkle disappeared from Lila’s brow as she followed the instructions. “Bellísimo! Cue the smoke!”
Adrien heard one of the assistants stumble before the whirr of a machine started. In seconds, the professional-grade smoke machine had filled the park of thick smoke, making it nearly impossible to see.
“Is this supposed to happen?” Adrien called as he coughed.
“Turn it off!” he heard the voice of the photographer splutter, but he couldn’t see him through the smoke. Adrien didn't think he could see his hand in front of his face if he tried. It was ten minutes before they had the machine under control and thirty before the smoke cleared enough to see clearly. By then, his photographer was in a bad mood, the assistant was crying, and Lila had left.
The malfunctioning smoke machine was a miracle in disguise. It not only made Lila angry but cut the photo shoot short, and Adrien could not be happier because it would give him an opportunity to check on Marinette. Her absence from the photoshoot made it unlikely that she would be around when they left the park to go to Nino’s house. He wasn’t upset that Nino and Alya had promised to get her to the photoshoot and failed. But he really wished she could make it to an outing at some point. Nino promised not to give up, pointing at his stubborn girlfriend as the key to manage it. Adrien yearned to have her near, only a few steps away.
So much for Miracles, but Adrien was still very lucky. He would walk by the patisserie when it was time for him to go home.
Marinette sat in a dirty alleyway, not caring what muck from the ground was already sticking to her workout clothes. The distressed superhero tried to keep her breathing low, her uncontrollable sobs quiet, but she knew she wasn’t managing. She didn’t know how far from her home she was, or how long she had been there after her transformation timed out. It could have hours for all she knew.
Everything that had plagued her since Master Fu’s departure burbled in her thoughts. Chat’s deaths and revivals, the grimoire, Master Fu’s memory loss, and the guardian training.
A week after Master Fu’s departure, an encounter with a powered-up Mayura revealed that the tablet with the translated miracle book was in Hawk Moth’s possession. The guilt that had been festering in her had attacked with a passion after that. It never left her; it ate at her confidence and certainty in her ability to be a strong superhero. Day and night, chipping it away. After all, she had let her jealousy and heartache distract her from her duty as a superhero. She had allowed Hawk Moth to follow her and take Master Fu. It was her fault Master Fu no longer had his memory and she no longer had his support.
She had been lucky that Master Fu had thought to leave her a copy of the book in a memory drive, along with a letter to help guide her. It felt like she had read that letter thousands of times since he left. But it wasn’t the same thing as having him there. He had trained her as well as he could and she tried dearly to retain all the information, but she desperately needed guidance.
So that same week, she started using the horse miraculous to transport herself from Paris to the temple in Tibet to expand her training as the guardian. She went every night after midnight, returning to Paris in time to shower and change for school. She didn’t think she’d gotten more than three hours of sleep per night since, but how was she expected to be a good guardian if she couldn’t complete her training?
But the guardian training was only reinforcing how useless she really was compared to the other students there. It had been months, and she could still not read the book without the translation. She kept failing to properly create the power-ups for the kwamis, and all she heard from her instructors was how badly trained she was and how much work she had yet to do.
As Ladybug, Marinette had grown to think of herself as strong, confident, ready for whatever the world threw at her but the last few months had her doubting how strong she really was.
Her sobs echoed from the walls. Everything was wrong. Everything she has done on her was defective. She kept losing Chat Noir whenever they fought an akuma or a sentimonster or Mayura. Though Chat Noir still seemed to trust Ladybug and never blamed her, no matter the pain he endured before she could call up the miracle cure. Lately, It felt like he had more trust in her than she had in herself.
Marinette could tell she was losing control. Lila had promised to take everything from her, and she was. But maybe it was a good thing. The distance Lila had created between her and the others made her feel lonely, sure, but it helped with the constant attacks from Hawk Moth. She didn’t have anyone to make excuses to. She didn’t have any plans to cancel. She didn’t have to explain her ever-growing dark circles, or her sleepless nights, or her near-constant state of exhaustion. Nino and Alya stuck around her, sure, but they treated her as if she was a thin blown glass bubble.
The knot constricting her throat cut off her breathing. She rubbed at her eyes, but she was dry. Empty. She almost wished she’d postponed her Sunday training with the guardians to be at the park. Even if it meant she had to watch Lila fawn over Adrien. She might have been exhausted, but a few hours with them was all she wished for.
She ended up having to remind herself that she had bigger responsibilities as she stared at her phone and Lila’s social media’s updates before turning off her phone and calling Kaalki’s transformation phrase that morning.
What she wanted didn’t matter.
“Marinette!” A hiccup died in her throat as she heard her name being called in that voice. It was Adrien. She didn’t want Adrien to see her this way. But she didn't have much choice as he ran across the alleyway and crouched in front of her. She couldn’t look at his face, but his fist curled and uncurled as if he didn’t know what to do; as if he was Aspik again, ready to fight the invisible akuma causing her affliction.
“What’s wrong? What can I do?” Curse his stupidly kind heart. She would have preferred anyone but Adrien to find her.
“Nothing,” her voice cracked, and the word came out in a broken wail. “Nothing’s wrong!” Why did she sound like a dying cat when she spoke? The sobs that had almost disappeared, intensified, choking her as the new wave of tears blinded her. She didn’t see when Adrien kneeled, she only felt his arms embracing her. She dug her face into his neck. Why was she feeling so weak? So insecure? So foolish?
Adrien murmured random things. Whatever he said, Marinette did not know. She only heard the reassuring tone of his voice, felt the soft caress of the simple pats on her back or his hands rubbing down her arm, as if warding off the cold.
She wished it was enough to forget her utter failure in the last few months. But how could she forget that she let everyone in Paris down every time she let one of them get akumatized? Every time she failed to get better in her guardian training. Every time Chat died during a fight.
She lost the battle against her tears and let go. Adrien caught her and crushed her to himself. Everything she had been keeping at bay flooded her stream consciousness. Memories, worries, Chat’s offer.
After the fifth akumatization in a week, Chat had cornered her.
“LB, what’s wrong?”
His words had disturbed her. It was a perfectly cordial sentence, but it wasn’t her Chat; this Chat Noir was distant. No longer was she ‘his lady’, or ‘buginette’. What did she expect? He had moved on. At first, Marinette hadn’t been sure why knowing that he had a girlfriend hurt. Until she realized she started to appreciate Chat’s calm and unshakable belief in her when all the odds were against them. He never failed to trust her, and, without noticing it, she had started to see Chat Noir in a different light. She had let go of the illusion of Adrien and was ready to move on.
But heroes couldn't date.
“I’m fine! Everything’s fine.” She’d spat as she turned away from him, trying to make an escape from the usurper Chat Noir. “I need to go.”
This Chat still sacrificed everything in the combat, fought to his last breath every time, and he did that still spouting stupid puns and catty replies. But the slight difference, the one that demonstrated his special feelings for her was gone. It made her feel far away from him and she couldn’t handle the distance just then. She needed to leave.
Before she could walk away, he’d grabbed her hand and yanked her to a stop. Ladybug hadn’t fought back. She hadn’t been sure she had the strength. With this battle piling on top of her already late night at the temple, she was exhausted.
And she still had homework to complete.
“You’re not fine. You’re paranoid, distracted, weak, and sleep-deprived.” She had never heard his voice take such an unyielding tone, but she knew the statement was a fact. She was everything he had said, but the fact that he mentioned it without preamble, hurt. Had he ever been so direct before? She didn’t think so. Then again, she had never let him down before.
“I am not any of those things. I’m fine.” She had lied, even though she could see two of him through the headache.
“Are you? Can you even see straight right now? You missed the catch when I tossed my baton earlier. By a long shot.”
“We need to go before our transformations run out.”
“Your eyes are bloodshot and you’re too pale.” She’d known his words were not meant to sound accusatory or demeaning, but they stabbed at her insecurities that had festered since Master Fu’s departure. The more she fought back against everything, the more she doubted she was the guardian Paris needed.
She’d shaken out of his grasp.
Remembering the loss of the warmth of his gloved hand on hers had a sensation of cold that crawling up her back. Adrien rubbed at Marinette’s back like he sensed it but still didn’t ask questions. He just offered her the comfort Ladybug hadn’t accepted from Chat Noir.
“I can see just fine,” Her missed step as she turned to leave contradicted her lie and she slid down the rooftop. Chat had barely caught her wrist and pulled her back up.
Every time she remembered that conversation, Marinette was disgusted by her attitude. She wondered when she’d started attacking the people that cared about her like a wounded animal. The more she thought about it the more it made sense that Chat would intervene.
Chat’s tone softened even as he reprimanded her. “Of course you are. And you didn’t slip and fall earlier, either.”
How many mistakes had she made? That was another thing she hated: Ladybug was becoming as clumsy as Marinette.
“We need to go before our transformations drop.” Ladybug yanked on her wrist again as her earrings announced the two remaining minutes but Chat hadn’t let go.
“Maybe it’d be a good thing.” His voice sounded like he was trying to calm the wounded animal that had just scratched his arm. “Let me help. If being the Guardian is so taxing, let me be Guardian with you!”
It was the most tempting offer she’d ever received. Chat Noir’s help. His support. His earnest slitted green eyes said he was serious. Of course he was. She only considered it for a minute before the one-minute reminder of his ring and her earrings made her aware of her reality.
“I’ll think about it.” The words were empty. She had no intention of ever accepting. She was alone.
“That’s all I can really ask for, I guess,” There was the absence of warmth again as he let go of her wrist. It had been so hard to turn her back on him and swing from the rooftop.
But she had, and she’d kept swinging until she was sure no one could see her. She had de-transformed on her rooftop and broken into tears on her lounge chair. She woke the next morning, covered in a blanket that was not her own, still on the roof and having missed that day's training.
She’d thanked her mom for the blanket as she ran by the kitchen but before the door closed behind her, she heard her mother’s joke: “It wasn’t me, you sure Ladybug or Chat Noir didn’t drop it off when they saw you out there?”
The question plagued her. Could it have been Chat? Her mother didn’t go into her room to check on her during the night since she was little. Not unless there was an Akuma attack near the bakery.
Chat Noir. The most selfless, kindest person in the world. A hero willing to comfort a broken girl, even though he barely knew her. Who was always willing to lose his life, his memory and mind to help Paris… and her.
She’d seen Chat Noir the day after, in a non-deadly attack. He didn’t say anything about his offer, but he had grabbed her hand and squeezed it instead of their customary fist bump. He’d started doing that every day, after every fight. His offer and support were there. After every offer, she became less resistant to consider it. In the calm moments and on the days when training was harder, or there was a test she didn’t prepare enough for or she missed a deadline or a family dinner. Slowly, she became more receptive.
Paris needed the Ladybug Miraculous to be active and protect the people, but she had to be honest with herself: she could no longer juggle everything. The new training was draining, but she needed to continue being the guardian.
It was turning out to be a terrible choice to make.
Guardian or Ladybug.
If she continued being the guardian, she would need to choose another person to train with the Ladybug Miraculous and resign being Ladybug. She would have to reveal herself to Chat Noir. She knew she wasn’t ordinary or talentless, but would she be what he expected her to be behind the mask? Then again, she didn’t have any expectations for him. She already knew the core of his personality, and that was enough for her. Could it be the same for her?
But was relinquishing guardianship and losing her memories even an option? Would she force the same choices on Chat?
Could she truly share the training and responsibilities with another human being? She already shared so much with him. Maybe she could share the training and responsibilities with him too.
Maybe they were ready.
Marinette’s crying had subsided, but she still sniffled into the soft white of Adrien’s collar.
“Marinette?” Adrien’s strained voice made her heartache and brought her back to the alley. At some point in her breakdown, Marinette had ended up curled up in Adrien’s lap, his arms around her and her face in the crook of his neck.
As soon as she noticed she tried to stand but he didn't let her go. Her face felt hot enough to be seen from space. “Are you okay?” His soft voice was so much like Chat Noir sometimes. She’d always known he shared the cat’s compassion.
“I…” It was the only word she could say before noticing her raw throat and hoarse voice. She nodded, she didn’t think she could say anything more right then without sounding like she had inhaled smoke for hours. He offered her a folded handkerchief.
She wiped at her face thinking about what kind of mess she would be. How long had she been in the alley before he found her? She had teleported back to Paris around six, right before the last light left the city, but the darkness around them made her think it had been hours since the sun had set.
“What was wrong?” He smoothed her hair back from her brow as he spoke, as if it were natural to sit in an alley with a hiccuping girl on your lap.
Lie after lie flashed before her. Some reasonable, others more absurd than the last.
But she was tired of lies.
“I,” she cleared her throat. “I bit off more than I can chew and was overwhelmed by everything.” The last straw had been miscalculating the portal that brought her back. It was supposed to have opened in her bedroom.
“Ah, I’d heard that happens to people.” His words were teasing, but there was worry in his peridot eyes. “I, of course, wouldn’t know… but…”
“Channelling Chloé?” She raised her eyebrow to accompany her own teasing. One good thing to come from the current mess shed made in her life was that she had gained another good friend in Adrien.
“Caught me.” He smoothed back another strand of her hair. “Are you hungry? I still have another-” he looked at the screen of his phone and she glanced at it too. Twenty past eight - she had set a new record for a self-pity fest, “-hour or two of freedom before I'm sealed away.”
She might have burned her Adrien calendar months ago, but Nino complained about Gabriel Agreste’s need to have Adrien home before nine enough for her to know that that was a lie.
“My treat,” Adrien winked when he noticed her indecision, “and I promise to tell your parents that I kidnapped you if you get in trouble for being out late.” Marinette was glad she had let herself move on from her starry-eyed worship of Adrien. It was so much easier to just enjoy his flirty side when it came out to play. His stomach growled, and she giggled as he said “besides! I’m hungry too!”
“Fine,” she laughed and tried clearing her throat again when the word sounded like nails on a chalkboard. “Only because your stomach threatened me, but if it growls at me again, I’m leaving.” It physically hurt to talk and laugh, but that was a good thing since it reminded her that she was alive and she had a mission to complete. She awkwardly stood from his embrace, before looking around the alley.
“What are you looking for?” Adrien asked as he scanned the ground, too.
It was the second time that night that she felt her cheeks heat up. This time in embarrassment over being such a child. “My bag and glasses, I may have thrown them when I started … you know.” When she'd started to break down and neither Kaalki nor Tikki would stop talking and leave her alone.
Adrien nodded sagely and continued to search around with her. “Found them!” he exclaimed as he looked behind a huge bin. “I didn’t know you wore glasses!”
“I only wear them sometimes. I get tired of them.” She was back to half-truths. She would never be able to get away from the lies.
He wiped them clean on the hem of his under shirt before he placed them on her nose. “They’re cute.”
She laughed and walked around him. “C’mon you flirt, I was promised food.”
She wasn’t fine, but maybe Adrien and Chat Noir could help her work everything out.