Work Text:
It's stupid.
It's stupid, and I shouldn't do it. Right? Jesus. No. I shouldn't.
I'm gonna do it.
I punch out the letters that create the words which I have turned over and over again in my head.
"hey, are you okay?"
So stupid. So simple. Goddamn. I shouldn't hit send. I shouldn't. I'm not going to. I won't.
I do.
Why has it taken me three goddamn years? What am I doing? This is shitty. I think Sarah can hear me thinking. She's looking at me carefully and I'm pretending not to notice. She's goes back to her book. It's fine.
My phone buzzes and I nearly leap out of bed. Sarah's looking again.
"Scared me, heh." She looks away. I check my phone. It's Kenny.
"tmrw - don't let me forget ok, i wrote a sick melody and i wanna see if we have a place for it!! night dude"
Goddamn! All worked up over a text from Kenny. He probably won't even reply. Probably won't even see it. I tap back into the thread.
"Read 10:14 PM"
Fuck. I get up, stick my phone in the waistband of my briefs. Sarah looks up, makes a small sound in her throat. I don't have to ask what she's wondering.
"Upset stomach. Gonna get some air."
She makes a tiny "mm" sound. Love that girl.
The sliding glass door is quiet, the city outside is not. Cars still whiz by, even now, in the middle of the week.
I sit on one of our chairs, the fabric a little chilly after the weird humidity of the day. I sit for what feels like years before I hear a tiny noise on the glass behind me. I reach back, slide the door open, wait a beat, close it, and Penny promptly hops into my lap. She's warm, and it's welcome.
I slip my phone out of my waistband and turn it over in my hand. The warmth of my skin lingers on it. I don't want to look at it.
I do anyway.
It lights up the air around me, forcing Penny and me to squint our eyes. I quickly adjust, Penny settles in to sleep in my lap. Her eyes close and stay that way.
The clock in the corner blinks to a new time. 10:27, now. "Read 10:14 PM" still glares at me beneath a glaring, empty space and a single blue bubble. Fuck.
It was stupid, and I shoudn't have done it. Who let me do this? Who let me have my phone? Who let me check Twitter?
I sigh. Truthfully, I know I'm the only one to blame. Can't ask Zack to keep an eye on me all the time.
I move forward, careful not to disturb Penny, and put my phone face down on the table.
I move back, and it vibrates.
Penny is the only thing keeping me from standing straight up.
Goddamn it! No! There's no way I lucked out again and got another text from someone that isn't him. No. I'm still not gonna check. Penny sighs from my lap. Me too, little one. Me too.
Shit, fuck. Why did I send that stupid, stupid text? God, I'm gonna start turning off my phone after 9 PM. I don't want to look. I'm going back to bed and I'm leaving my phone out here. I don't care.
I pick up my phone and stare at the stupid lock screen. It's a picture of Sarah, on her stomach and Bogart standing on her back. I unlock it.
A thousand decibels get caught in my throat.
"hey.. no. why are u texting me"
Another text buzzes in.
"it's late shouldn't u be sleeping?"
My chest heaves, I can't not breathe like I've been drowning for years. I start to bounce my knee. It's been three years and he's casually asking why I'm up late. Fucker.
Penny gets up. I open the door for her again and slide it closed, still silent.
I clear my throat for no one to hear. "i dunno. was thinking of you i guess." I delete that.
"saw morris tweeting some shit earlier. said some heavy stuff" Send. I quickly type out another. "slept in this morning. not tired." Send.
"Read" pops up almost instantaneously for both of them. Another bubble appears, an ellipsis. It doesn't take long.
"Oh", and then, "i didnt see his tweets and im not gonna look. just tell me whats up."
I bite my lip. How do you ask an ex-lover if they have an addiction? God, I know the answer: You fucking don't. Congrats, Me, you're treading all-new waters for the good of mankind.
"you can't get mad, okay?" Send. Wait, shit. That was dumb. I'm not nineteen anymore.
"dont say shit ill get mad at then" Fair. I say it anyway.
"do you have an addiction dude? i know it's hard and i know you'll be pissed at me asking but i have to ask."
"Read" pops up immediately. He's sitting, staring at this thread too. I idly wonder if he's high.
Nothing comes through for a few minutes. I fiddle with my phone and my knee bounces incessantly.
Finally, at 10:43, my phone buzzes again.
"no"
My heart drops. I figured. I type out, "alright, sorry for bothering you." but before I can send it, the ellipsis is back, and I get another text.
"wait" And then - "yeah" Then one more - "i think i do".
This time I do stand. My chin touches my chest as I stare down at my phone. Maybe this wasn't so stupid of an idea.
Nah, it was.
The ellipsis pops up - then a buzz.
"please help me"
And then I am nineteen again. I'm nineteen and he's twenty and we're linking fingers on my shitty mattress in my shitty, empty apartment and -
Buzz.
"please dan and z arent shit theyre addicts too i love them but i have to live i cant die here i cant die alone like this"
Now I'm twenty-one and he's twenty-two and he's trying coke for the first time, the first time ever and I'm scared and then he's gone, he's gone so fast and now I'm alone, alone at this big, shitty party and I hold his hand and no one asks me why.
Buzz.
"brendon? please"
My fingers are quick, once I snap out of it.
"i'm here dude" Then - "what do you want me to do?"
The answer is almost instant.
"are you busy tomorrow? come over please and we can talk"
I look up, I look out at the non-existent horizon. The city is draped in black but I can see all the lights shining through the curtain. I type out, "talk. that's it". It wouldn't be the first time, but I want the last time to stay the last time.
He's quick to answer.
"yes talk please i need someone clean. just talk i swear"
I heave a sigh of relief. At least we're on the same page for now.
"okay, i'll be over at 11am tomorrow. ok?" Curiosity gets the better of me, so - "are you high right now?"
He misses a beat.
"no"
I don't believe him. I tell him that.
"don't lie. if i'm going to help you, you can't lie to me."
"i was earlier but im not now"
I'm still skeptical, but I let it go.
"fine. goodnight. see you at 11"
I lock my phone and slip it back into my waistband. I'm still standing, but at least my heart isn't fucking pounding out of my chest anymore.
I slip back inside, the warm air instantly creating tiny bumps on my skin. I pad quietly up the stairs and find our room dark. I stand silent in the doorway, listen to Sarah breathing.
Our bed is warm too, and I slip one leg out from under the covers to dangle over the edge of it. I put my phone on the night stand. It vibrates.
The light of the screen illuminates the room, but doesn't blind me. I can clearly see the words on it.
"thank you."
The ellipsis is there. I wait.
After a moment, it disappears. I type out, "you're welcome." and put my phone back. I fall asleep quickly.