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Laying in her bed. Comforted by warm blankets. Vanya can’t sleep.
It’s not a surprise, one of the worst side effects of her pills was that they kept her wide awake.
It was the worst when she was a teen, when even after being awake for two days, a long, long run and a whole book, she still couldn’t find sleep. It frustrated her to no end, and she’d spent long nights reading to pass the time when she finally gave up on rest.
When she was a child things were different, she still suffered from an inability to sleep, but, well…
It was different.
She’d had Five, as stupid as it might sound. His presence helped.
Then he had left, and it had sent her whole world on a totally new, unforeseen future that left Vanya unsure, and afraid, and happy, and alone, and relieved and…
It’s hard to think about all those feelings. About everything that occured.
Back then, Five was a bright spark. In her memories, she can still see this boy wonder that he was. One could teleport and time travel and was not in the least bit charming. Choosy about everything. Fussy. From who he talked to, to what he said. What he ate. When he wanted to do training. When he wanted to study.
In hindsight, it had driven their father to the brinks of madness in his attempts to control Five, but when you can quite literally teleport, no punishment can truly work.
At least none that they’re father could come up with anyway.
Five had loved to disobey their father just to see the frustration in the man.
Maybe that’s why he had originally picked her.
Why he had begun to talk with her, consider her, care for her.
The thought places a heavy weight on her shoulder. Vanya coughs to remove the tightness in her chest. Takes a sip of her tea.
Sure, sure, ok, it had started like that, but it had evolved quickly. He had wanted her companionship. He’d sought her out long after he’d lost any love he may have held for their father. He simply never got bored of her in the way their sibling did, the way their father did. The way everyone continues to do
It is sad that no one has thought her worthwhile since she was thirteen.
In Vanya’s memories the time spent with Five is always summarised by that last year they had together when they were thirteen. Five, arrogant as ever, only chose to speak with Vanya and Ben unless absolutely necessary.
It made her feel seen in this way no one else had ever, even now, made her feel. When Luther tried to correct Five for something, and he’d immediately tell Vanya what a fool he was. When Klaus took heroin for the first time, and Five found him, he ran to Vanya first and let down his guard to show worry. When Diego tried to play leader, and Five had joked about it with Vanya first.
It was like she was worth having around. Like she was worthy of someone’s first choice.
Vanya knew he cared about her. She knew that her questions wouldn’t never be met with ridicule or rude comments. She knew he always wanted to talk with her. He knew her inside and out.
And, embarrassingly, he most likely knew all about her crush on him.
At the time the crush had seemed so trivial, she had brushed it off. Not wanting to accidentally destroy the tentative balance they’d struck. Not wanting to destroy the only positive relationship she had ever experienced.
It’s such a blur that year. So quick, moments stick out, and point to the bigger picture of what was going on. They’d spend all of their limited half hour of free time together. She’d check on him when he got back from a mission. He’d listen to her play the violin. He’d given her some of his ice cream when their dad refused to buy her any. She’d come to him at night, on the few where she couldn’t sleep, and read while he worked on whatever he needed to complete.
Then, in her mind everything slows down to that…
That…
That…
That family dinner.
She remembers what it was like to sit at that table, quietly eating. Five’s knife had slammed down on the table, Vanya had startled, eyes darting up to Five first, then to the danger, their father. The man had questioned Five, but otherwise looked unimpressed.
Like Five was a simple child.
She remembers their argument. An argument they’d had a million times before, before and after missions. During training. When they had free time. Whenever Five got the opportunity really.
Five looked up, and Vanya can still see, vividly, his dark blue eyes, searching for support, understanding.
She remembers shaking her head. He’d been taken aback, even though he knew, he knew she thought it was a bad idea. Too many unknowns meant that anything could’ve happened.
She remembers what it was like to stare at Five and watch him consider her, and her opinion. To take in that she thought it was a terrible, terrible, terrible idea to argue with their father about time travel, that she thought he shouldn’t time travel, and then disregard it. To be taken aback, and then to disregard her opinion.
Vanya had barely had time to feel the tightness in her throat, or the wetness at the corner of her eyes, before he stormed off outside.
If Vanya was the person she was now, she might have run after him. If she knew he’d never step back through those doors, she’d have run so fast, screaming for him to wait for her. She’d have kicked, and yelled, and told him to let her come with him. Let her stay with him.
The sad truth is that he’d have only needed to hear a few words before he whisked her off with him. They’d been so attached to each other.
That how’s it is in her dreams anyway.
When she imagines what life would’ve been if she took that step and left with him, it’s incredible. Everything she wanted in her life.
They’d be together, just the two of them. Five and her would work out the money issues, and finding a place to stay, because she trusted Five, she’d felt like she could do anything with Five. They’d both get into college and then university and she’d- she’d have done something different with her life. He’d have gone into something like theoretical physics, or pure mathematics, and she’d have studied literature, maybe art history.
By thirty they’d have their own apartment. They would squabble. Get annoyed at each other over not taking out the garbage. They’d watch stupid movies together and make fun of them. He’d kiss her when he got home. They would share a bed. They’d be married.
He’d love her.
Vanya has to take a moment to breath. To smile, and imagine it.
It would be perfect .
But, in her memories she never takes that step. Because Vanya had been a scared little girl. More terrified of her father’s wrath than anything else in the world.
In her memories Vanya remains in her seat at that dining room table the rest of dinner. Silently eating. Avoiding eye contact with their father and other siblings.
In her memories she grows up and Five doesn’t. Klaus gets kicked off the team. Ben dies. Their family breaks. Allison becomes a film star. Diego joins, and then fails out of the police academy. Klaus' presence in any one place is never guaranteed. Luther’s remains at the house.
Vanya studies music, and she’s fine at it. Good even. Above average, but never quite extraordinary.
In her memories, she applies for a job playing violin with an orchestra, and gets it. She writes a lengthy book about her life in an effort to do something, to be seen.
For a while it works.
But the focus, as always, is not truly on her.
She’s forgotten. Again.
She’s still a little girl sitting at the dining room table, unseen, and ordinary. Forgotten. Even now. Over a decade after Five left her.
Five never makes it back through that door, and, in a way, Vanya never stands from that table.
Maybe she should just try to get some sleep.