Work Text:
To: Bokuto-san
2:01 AM
Will you please come home soon?
I hope you’re doing well, Bokuto-san.
It feels empty without you here.
Take your time. I’ll be waiting for you here no matter how long it will take.
Akaashi looked at Bokuto in high regard, a star, up in the sky. Bokuto would reach the whole world with his hands, moving forward with his back on Akaashi. He was proud of seeing his man in the limelight, holding the gold medal with his hand and with his arms wrapped around his teammate. It’s fine, Bokuto has always been like that. He was kind to everyone. He was affectionate to anyone that was important to him. His Bokuto was loved by everyone around them just like what he deserves.
It’s fine, he kept chanting in his head.
The time passed by and when he looked at the clock it was already four in the morning. He flipped on his side and stared at the empty space beside him. He reached out his hand and gently caressed the spot where Bokuto was supposed to be.
He took his phone again, stared at the screen like he was waiting for the words to type themselves on the message box then his fingers moved, typing one letter at a time. He should be good with words but at this moment, he wasn’t sure what he wanted to say.
To: Bokuto-san
4:02 AM
I know you reassured me a lot of times before but...are we ok like this?
I know you’re busy but can you call me?
Why aren’t you replying? It’s been two hours since the last time I texted you.
Before he could realize it, he already hit send. He sat upon his bed and stared at his phone, biting his lips. He didn’t mean to sound needy and angry. Putting his hand on his head, he sighed.
He waited for Bokuto’s reply again but it didn’t come. It was like the last thread of his patience finally snapped. His pent up emotions that he had been holding back finally leaked out.
Notification
Bokuto Koutarou shared his thoughts about their setter, Miya Atsumu.
A punch in the gut, that was what he felt when he saw the notification suddenly popping out from the screen of his phone. It was like it was mocking him, making him feel worse than he already was. It didn’t stop him from opening it tho. He knew that it would hurt him but he still stubbornly opened the notification to watch the interview.
What can you say about your setter, Miya Atsumu, Bokuto-san?
Bokuto looked at Atsumu who was blushing so hard. He turned his head towards the camera and smiled. “His tosses are the best!”
The sun was already up when Akaashi heard his phone ringing. With tired eyes, he reached out for it and contemplated if he would answer or not. The name of his man was flashing on his screen. He should feel happy that they would finally be able to talk despite the time differences and the thousand miles between them but his chest felt so heavy that it would explode soon.
“Bokuto-san,” he answered after several rings.
“Akaashi!” The cheerful voice of Bokuto made him smile a bit. “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to reply to your text. I and Tsum-tsum went to this cool shop where they sell different kinds of sweets–”
“I don’t want to hear about it,” Akaashi’s voice trembled. He swallowed so hard that his throat hurts. “I-I mean, can you tell me something else?” Can you ask how am I doing first? Can’t you tell I’m not doing well here, Bokuto-san?
“Ah, right!” Bokuto laughed. “Then how about when Tsum-tsum almost fell on the boat while we’re sightseeing?” Akaash’s breath hitched. “I grabbed his hand but then I pulled too hard so he ended up falling on me, Akaashi. It was really funny!”
“What else?” he asked, almost whispering. He put his hand on his chest. If he could grab his heart and squeeze it, he would do so but the only thing he could grab on was his shirt, crumpling it on his hand.
“Hinata and Omi-omi went to a different shop with us so I’m stuck with Tsum-tsum,” Akaashi heard Atsumu’s voice in the background, Bokkun, you like mint chocolate ice cream, right? “Yeah, get one for me.”
Akaashi smiled bitterly, clutching his phone tighter. “Since when did you like mint chocolate ice cream, Bokuto-san?” His voice was calm. He was trying so hard not to break even though he felt like every part of him was having small cracks that were getting bigger and bigger.
“Tsum-tsum likes it so I tried it again then I realized it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was,” Bokuto laughed. “Oh, yeah, have I ever told you about how Tsum-tsum did a nasty set for me? It was sick, Akaashi! Really awesome!”
“His tosses are the best, huh?” Akaashi mumbled, eyes blurring with tears.
He was about to break.
“Yeah! Tsum-tsum is really cool! I like him so much!”
The cracks became bigger until it broke and fell apart. Akaashi’s tears finally fell from his eyes, his body trembling with so many emotions leaking out from him.
“Tsum-tsum this, Tsum-tsum that. Bokuto-san, I’m right here, you know?” He snapped. The pent up emotions that he had been holding back since Bokuto left Japan to visit Argentina for the whole month poured out like a tide. He didn’t want to burden him with his overthinking and insecurities. He didn’t want to put all this negativity to him but he had enough.
Bokuto used to know when he was upset without telling him. He always knew when Akaashi was overthinking. He always knew how to reassure Akaashi when he was being eaten by his insecurities. What happened now? Why can’t he tell?
Is it because you already found someone else that was better than me?
“Akaashi, what do you mean?” Bokuto sighed. “Is everything okay?”
Akaashi laughed, shaking his head so hard even though Bokuto couldn’t see it. “You’re asking that now? We’ve been talking for a while now and you didn’t even ask me if I’m ok. I know I can’t support you right now. I know I’m not good enough to be your setter anymore. I’m sorry if you’re stuck with me.”
Bokuto fell silent. It was the kind of silence that felt so painful. They used to love it when they were together especially when they just lay on their bed side by side, looking at each other’s eyes. This silence was excruciatingly long and every tick of the clock broke Akaashi’s heart.
“Akaashi, I don’t have time for this,” Bokuto sighed. “How many times do I have to tell you that I love you and that you’re my boyfriend is enough? I never failed to tell you that.”
“Miya Atsumu,” Akaashi murmured. “You like him.”
“Of course because he’s my friend, Akaashi,” He could feel the tiredness from Bokuto’s voice. “I don’t like where this is going. I can’t believe you’re having your doubts with me.”
“He’s the only one you always talk about, Bokuto-san,” Please just stop talking, Akaashi. He closed his eyes tightly. His mouth failed him and he started talking again. “He can probably give you something I can’t give. He’s everything that I am not. He can definitely take you away from me.” Because I’m not special. There will always be a person that will be a lot better than me. Your world is expanding and I’ll be left here, stuck in my own space.
He could hear Bokuto’s heavy breathing. “Akaashi, what do you want to hear from me? I’ve told you so many times that I love you, I really fucking do. We agreed to this, you know? I asked you if you want me to continue this despite the possibility of us being away from each other and you said it’s ok.”
“Because I don’t want to be in the way of your dreams, Bokuto-san,” He put his hand on his head, grabbing a handful of his hair. “Even though I know that I’m not good enough for you.”
“Was I ever good enough?” The question caught Akaashi off guard. “Because if I was, you won’t feel that way because of me, Akaashi.”
Akaashi could feel themselves breaking apart. The words were at the tip of his tongue but he couldn’t say it. Not yet. With his eyes closed, he opened his mouth, gathering up the courage to say something that he might or might not regret in the end.
“Should we break up, Bokuto-san?”
“You’re just running away, Akaashi,” Bokuto’s voice shook and broke in the end. “You’re pushing me away because you don’t want to face this. You push people away because you don’t want to get hurt in the end. But it isn’t always like that, you know? I...I don’t want to say this but...you’re only thinking about yourself.”
Akaashi didn’t say anything. He held back the sob that was about to leak from his mouth. He bit his lower lip, waiting for Bokuto to speak again. When he did, Akaashi inhaled sharply, swallowing down the lump on his throat.
“Ok, let’s break up.”
The series of beeps followed until it fell completely silent. The line was dead.
And so was he.
I wish he said no.
Why didn't he say no?
Akaashi fell in love and his world revolved around Bokuto, forgetting everyone else around him, even himself and he expected him to do the same. And when he didn't, he started to feel like he was not enough. He thought he didn’t love him as much as he loved him.
He thought it was unfair. His self-doubts and insecurities were eating him up. He didn't want to feel that way but he couldn't control his own emotions anymore. One minute it was gone and the next, it was here again. The only thing left for him was to explode... like a fucking time bomb.
Akaashi stared at his phone. The last words that Bokuto said rang in his ears until he broke down, sobbing alone in the middle of his bed. This was what he wanted. He was the one who asked for it. But why did it hurt so much? His sobs echoed around the room, bouncing back to him like it was telling him that he brought this upon himself.
This was the right choice, he told firmly to himself.
I’m not ok.
I’ll be ok.