Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

donghyuck was feeling… strange. that's the only way he could describe it really. he didn't think anything was particularly wrong at all, he just felt that something was off that's all. and by something, he means someone. and by someone he means the rest of the members of nct 127. 

it starts off with little things he notices when he’s with them. 

he can be his usual cuddly, lovable self but they don’t seem to be enjoying it as much as usual. just yesterday, he had sidled up to taeyong’s side with a smile, knowing the other boy was stressed out and wanting to give him a little bit of comfort. what did taeyong do? he rolled his eyes . It took donghyuck a bit by surprise, but still he kissed taeyong’s cheek and moved away. clearly he wasn’t in the mood.

another day, he was cuddled up to taeil and the older wasn’t even giving him his usual smile, he barely acknowledged he was there. and don’t get him started on how mark had just simply not been around him at all the past couple of weeks and johnny didn’t even act like he heard donghyuck asking if he could sleep in with him because he was having trouble sleeping. 

even jungwoo, the member who was just as affectionate as him was scoffing and sighing every time donghyuck so much as talked to him cutely, let alone getting close enough to touch him. it was strange and it was beginning to make donghyuck feel out of place. 

he said as much to renjun while they were out for lunch one day, and while the other showed a semblance of concern for donghyuck’s well being, he chalked it up to them being tired, insisting they probably didn’t mean to push him away. 

that didn’t make the rejection he felt hurt less though.

the day donghyuck hit his last straw was the day after johnny had ignored his request to sleep with him for the fourth time that week. he felt awful, hadn’t slept well in days and had gone back to bed with tears in his eyes, that he kept silent, so johnny wouldn’t feel at all guilty for not letting him sleep in with him. 

the next morning he woke up and heard more talking in the dorm than usual, figuring the rest of 127 was probably there he begrudgingly dragged himself out of bed. he pulled on some clothes and made his way out of the room, quietly walking down the hall towards the murmurs in the kitchen. 

he paused, however, when he heard what they were saying. 

“is it just me or is hyuck being extra clingy lately?” he could hear jungwoo say softly.

yuta makes a sound, “fuck, yes, he’s getting so annoying, he literally wouldn’t let go of me yesterday."

"he has been quite… needy." taeyong considers this for a moment before continuing, "it's honestly becoming tedious, i understand him acting like that on camera but it's so draining having him still act like that off camera." 

"i think he just needs to grow up a bit," says taeil and donghyuck bites back the tears that are threatening to fall because not taeil too. "he's acting like a spoiled child when it comes to all these hugs." 

there's several hums of agreement and jaehyun starts to affirm his own agreement but donghyuck hears enough and he turns and walks back down the hall. heart pounding. their voices ringing in his ears. 

needy. 

he supposed that was one word for it, except he didn't need the attention and affection per se, he just very much preferred when he was receiving it. and until now none of 127 seemed to mind it. until now. 

god, what if they'd always hated it and they've just silently put up with donghyuck for years? what if it's just gotten to a point where they hate him now? what if they're done with him?

he sits on his bed, wills himself not to cry as he tries to think of what to do.

and as if summoned, johnny walks into his room. he gives him a look for a moment then sighs, sits on his own bed. "you okay, you look like you're going to be sick." 

on instinct, donghyuck surges forward and tries to curl his body into johnny's lap. he needs the comfort that usually comes from johnny. instead he gets a rough shove off of the older and donghyuck loses his balance and drops to the floor.

"no hyuck," johnny says, and he sounds angry, donghyuck hates it. "you can't keep doing this okay? you being this clingy annoying younger brother it's great for the fans or whatever but it's getting old for me." 

for me, he says, but donghyuck knows he means everybody. he heard them in the kitchen. everyone's sick of him. 

donghyuck gulps to stop himself from letting tears fall. he nods, doesn't say anything. just gets up and goes to the shower. 

and if he spends most of his time in there on the floor crying that's his business. 

from then on, he tries so hard not to give the other members any type of affection and they seem happier for it. donghyuck is glad of that, he just wants them happy, even if he's miserable. 

if the members notice anything off, they don't show it, and they definitely don't mention it.

--

it's when the dreamies come back from a promotion they were doing without him abroad that donghyuck finally voices his worries. but it's to someone unexpected. 

he goes to see renjun. he and renjun have been best friends for forever and the two would often confide in each other, especially if they had issues with their respective dorm mates. 

(often, had renjun complained donghyuck's ear off about whatever of jisung's bad habits had him irked this time.) 

donghyuck had been holding his fear in for so long he didn't even worry about the fact that the dreamies had another schedule when he headed over. some kind of photoshoot for a magazine he, nor they, really care about. 

but he has his own key to the dream dorm, courtesy of jeno, so he lets himself in so he can nap on the couch, away from the awkward atmosphere in his and johnny's room, while he waits for them to come home. 

what he didn't expect was to find himself face to face with an equally speechless jaemin who had been dancing around to twice songs in the living room area when he walked in. 

donghyuck blinked twice.

jaemin blinked back. 

"didn't think i'd see anyone today," jaemin says sheepishly, although he has to speak loud over the chorus to 'likey' that still plays in the background. he scratches the back of his neck awkwardly and seems to alternate between wanting to look hyuck in the eyes and look anywhere else but him .

donghyuck offers the younger a small smile in return. "i didn't know you'd be here today," he counters, making jaemin raise a brow.

"you come here when we're all out often?" he asks lightly, a small grin beginning to grow on his face as he gets over his prior embarrassment. he quickly turns the music off so he and donghyuck can talk easier.

"only when i want to wait for renjun," donghyuck shrugs as he makes himself at home, plopping himself down on the couch so he's laying over all of it. "or to nap." he adds, just for the joke.

jaemin observes him for a moment and worries his lip, trying to get the courage to ask him something. 

"yes?" donghyuck asks when he notices, and jaemin regards him again, now with wide eyes. "i can hear you thinking from here." 

"you seem off." jaemin says before he can stop himself, and then backtracks when he sees that donghyuck is taken by surprise. "i mean, not in a bad way, i think, just… not yourself?" 

"you mean i'm not being annoying and clingy?" donghyuck asks bitterly and jaemin gasps.

he crouches in front of donghyuck's face gingerly with a frown. "hyuckie, of course that's not what i mean, how could you ever think that?" 

and donghyuck breaks . 

it's weird, relaying all of the events of the past month to jaemin. his constant state of rejection, his feeling unwelcome in his own group. 

it's weird because it's jaemin. after debut they'd grown apart, donghyuck attaching himself to renjun and mark, jaemin to jeno and the kids. they were still friends, don't get donghyuck wrong, but the two of them would mostly seek each other out for fun and games. rarely, if ever, would they talk about feelings of all things. 

it's weird because jaemin listens. not once does he talk over him, try to tell him he's overthinking, overreacting. he listens, doesn't stop him, invalidate his feelings.

it's not weird, donghyuck concludes as he comes to the end of his rant about the 127 hyungs. 

it's actually really nice to have someone listen to the full story before they try to speak over him. 

it kind of didn't feel nice to know that he wasn't used to that. 

jaemin listens intently to donghyuck's monologue only interrupting to ask an occasional question, usually when it seems he didn't know how to continue. and notably, he moves to sit next to him, grips donghyuck's hand and doesn't let it go. and most importantly, he is focused purely on donghyuck himself.

it feels good .

when the older finishes, jaemin regards him with sad eyes and says one simple phrase. "hyuckie, i'm so sorry." 

four simple words that aren't even his to say and yet they make donghyuck feel lighter, even if just for a second. 

jaemin furrows his brows and wipes at donghyuck's eyes, that had been brimming with tears for 10 minutes, "i'm so sorry they did that, hyuckie, they really don't deserve you living there." 

donghyuck chuckles bitterly and lets out a "sure," that is so full of sarcasm that it immediately makes jaemin feel angry. 

not at donghyuck, of course, but at the others, for making him feel like he isn't worth the whole world. jaemin sure felt like he was. 

"i mean it, hyuck," jaemin says fiercely, he traces his hand under donghyuck's jaw, pushing lightly to make the older meet his eyes. "please don't let them make you feel like you don't deserve any affection or love." 

donghyuck smiles, but it doesn't quite look real and that breaks jaemin's heart a little bit. 

"hyuck?" jaemin asks softly and the other hums to acknowledge the questioning tone. "do you want a hug?" 

donghyuck blinks in surprise for a second and stares at jaemin, "you… want to give me a hug?"

"only if it's okay with you!" jaemin says quickly, "i don't know if you'd feel weird about it…" 

donghyuck talks equally as quick, "no!" he shakes his head, "no, i uh, i like hugs?" 

"you don't sound so sure?" jaemin says with a chuckle.

"i'm sure." donghyuck says awkwardly but with a bit more confidence in his voice, "i like hugs." 

jaemin smiles and it makes donghyuck's stomach feel weird. the younger manoeuvres him softly so he's cradled in his arms, donghyuck's face nestled into his neck. jaemin rubs his back softly and starts to hum along to something. he smiles when donghyuck realises what he's humming and his chest vibrates with silent laughter. 

"twice again?" he mumbles into jaemin's neck, "really?" 

"i've got them in my head now," jaemin says casually, "can't think of any other songs." 

donghyuck laughs again, this time outloud, and jaemin grins. it's good that donghyuck's even a fraction of the way back to where he was before all of this, but jaemin can feel there's still a block there. 

donghyuck sighs into jaemin's neck again. "jaemin?" 

"yes, hyuckie?" 

"i don't want to go back to the other dorm." 

"then don't." jaemin says, going back to rubbing soothing circles into donghyuck's back, "stay here with me for now." 

--

hours later, donghyuck stirs from a nap, still firmly held in jaemin's arms. he hears the other dreamies voices from the front door and decides to keep his eyes shut. 

the voices stop short when they see them and donghyuck is sure he's probably blushing into jaemin's neck.

"jaemin?" renjun's voice is the first to speak, and donghyuck feels jaemin’s head move, probably to look at them. "is that hyuck?" 

"yeah," jaemin's voice sounds gravelly, so he must have fallen asleep too.

"is he…" 

"he was upset." jaemin admits softly, "he was waiting for you so i guess he wanted to tell you about it but…" 

there's a quiet moment where donghyuck assumes renjun nods and then jisung pipes up, "is hyung okay? his eyes look like he's been crying." 

jaemin lets out a little sigh, "he just needs a little bit of affection i think, things are kinda fucked right now. did he tell you?" 

"yeah," renjun admits, "i didn't realise it was this bad though."

"don't kick yourself too much, i don't think he was letting on to anyone how bad it was."

"what was it?" jeno speaks now and donghyuck tries hard not to freeze stiff in jaemin's hold.

there's another awkward silence and donghyuck realises neither renjun and jaemin want to speak for him, but they also don't want to leave the other two in the dark. 

he realises he should probably let them know he's awake. 

"the hyungs upset me." donghyuck says into jaemin's neck before he sits up slightly. he notices he's still clinging to jaemin and jumps to move away but jaemin holds him in place. 

"you're not being clingy, hyuck," he murmurs softly, "i want you to cuddle with me." he holds him a little tighter until donghyuck's initial worry dies down and he relaxes back into him. 

jeno and jisung both look between the two of them in confusion while renjun just smiles sadly, "donghyuck has it gotten that bad?" 

for the second time in the day, donghyuck breaks. 

but this time jaemin's a stronger presence. arms circled around him. whispering words of encouragement when donghyuck struggles to get a sentence out. 

he explains it in shorter terms this time. mostly explains how much worse it's gotten. he goes into detail he didn't quite go into with neither renjun nor even jaemin earlier that same day. 

explains the exact words that have stuck with him since he overheard them in the kitchen. explains the exact way their faces looked when he went near them. explains how much trust has been lost between him and the 127 members. explains that the rejection from mark hurts the most, because he's supposed to be his best friend. 

when he gets to johnny pushing him to the floor, jisung has reached his limit. "he pushed you." he shouts as he stands up, face like thunder. 

jeno grabs his arm as he goes to leave the dorm, stopping him from doing anything he would regret. though, jeno looked like he was debating going with him, probably to punch johnny square in the face. 

renjun is clearly concerned, eyes scanning across donghyuck's body, clearly checking there had been no further physical altercation. 

and jaemin… well jaemin was teary eyed, but obviously holding back from completely crying for donghyuck's sake. 

"i hate them," jisung says, trying to manoeuvre himself out of jeno's grip, "how dare they act like this with you." 

"jisung, it's okay." donghyuck says softly but the youngest scoffs. 

"it's not, hyuck," renjun says softly, "you should never make a person feel like this, especially over something this stupid. so you cuddle people a lot, it's not gonna kill us." 

"yeah, hyung," jisung agrees, "i always act annoyed when you do that to me, but i actually really love it when you show me affection. you give the best hugs anyway, so i'd never actually push you away…" he pauses for a second then adds, "and since he's not here i'll say for chenle as well that he also loves it." 

that makes donghyuck chuckle lightly. 

"you really can come to us, whenever you're feeling like this." jeno says with his signature eye smile, "we're your team as much as they are, and if they're not willing to make you feel included, then we'll work double time to make sure you know how special you are to us." 

renjun nods and adds with his own soft voice, "and you are special. to us, anyway, so if nobody else can see that, then fuck them."  

donghyuck gives the three of them a small smile and jaemin kisses his cheek, to show him just how fine it is to show affection in the dream dorms. "see, hyuckie, i told you. they should never have made you feel like this. especially because, well, theres nothing at all to fix."

after that, jisung moves so he's sat on the couch too, and playfully wrestles with jaemin so that donghyuck ends up pressed between their bodies in a sort of group cuddle that makes donghyuck grin. the widest he has grinned in a long time.

the group prepare for donghyuck to stay there with them for a long time, all the while making sure to be extra affectionate with an uncharacteristically shy donghyuck. 

jisung cuddles with donghyuck on the couch while jaemin goes to make dinner. 

renjun kisses his forehead after he tells him he spoke to a manager, who will be dropping some stuff over for him to stay for a couple weeks. (he told the manager the bare minimum, so he knows there's a problem but not the extent of it, largely hoping the members of 127 would come to their senses and resolve it amongst themselves.)

jeno, not usually one for affection anyway, ruffles hyuck's hair and gives him small hugs when he can. 

and jaemin lets him come up and hug him from behind while he's dishing up their dinner ready to serve. he holds his hand all through dinner, even though it makes it hard for him to eat.  and he lets donghyuck stay in his bed for the night, wrapping his arms around him and letting donghyuck bury his head back into his neck. 

donghyuck feels at home and safe in jaemin's arms. for the first time in a long time he falls asleep straight away once he settles for the night. falls asleep to the soft sound of jaemin's habitual humming (this time it sounds suspiciously like a britney spears song). 

most importantly, donghyuck falls asleep with a smile on his face for the first time in a while. 

he still has a long way to go until he fully heals from the humiliation he felt, but he's getting there. 

it's a shame this is only the calm before the storm.

Chapter Text

it takes less than 24 hours for donghyuck to admit this is affecting him even more than it should.

it starts when he wakes up in the morning to arms wrapped around his waist. he forgets where he is and tries to manoeuvre himself out of the hold in a panic because fuck if he got into johnny's bed last night, he's probably so mad and - 

the arms pull his back into a torso that's narrower than johnny's and there's little kisses being pressed to the back of his neck in an effort to calm him down. 

and he does. sort of. he's not used to being the one receiving the affection and so he flinches a little bit. the kisses stop and the arms relax around him. 

"sorry," comes jaemin's gravelly morning voice, "is this not okay?" 

"no!" donghyuck says, then he realises that's not what he wanted to say and adds, "i mean. yes, it's okay. 'm just not used to it." 

"you should be used to it." donghyuck can picture the pouty frown on jaemin's face. he turns in his arms so they're facing each other and - yeah - that's the face. "you should!" jaemin affirms when he sees donghyuck's skeptical expression. "i mean it, if we were sharing a room, i wouldn't be able to stop myself from cuddling you every night."

donghyuck tries not to think of the implications of jaemin's words that brought unwanted images of certain scenarios into his head. he willed away the blush already beginning to form on his cheeks for even picturing it. 

"hyuckie, you know you're worth more than they made you feel right?"

"no," donghyuck replies, opting to be honest, "but i do feel better." there's a moment of hesitation before he continues, "especially when im like this with you." because fuck it, he's being honest. 

and it's worth it because jaemin's whole face lights up and he's positively beaming at donghyuck's sheepish face. "i'm glad i can help. i know this isn't going to make you feel better over night, but i'm going to do my best to make you feel better."

donghyuck smiles. "i'm glad i have you, jaemin." 

"and i'm glad i have you, hyuckie."  jaemin kisses his nose, and donghyuck only flinches back slightly. progress. 

"i hate to ruin the moment," comes a voice from above them and donghyuck blushes because oh god he forgot jisung was in the bunk above them. "but you guys are gross." 

"love you too, jisungie," jaemin coos, making donghyuck laugh. 

jisung mutters to himself but doesn't respond out loud. 

"what was that, sung?" jaemin teases, "i couldn't hear you?" 

"i said get a room." 

"this is my room!"

"yeah, but its mine too," 

"then get your own room if you have a problem." 

"hyung, that's stupid." 

"you're stupid." 

"that's not-" 

"nana, i'm hungry." donghyuck says, because he knows jisung and jaemin could bicker for hours if he let them. "can we eat breakfast before i have to go to a schedule?" 

jaemin chuckles, "sure, hyuck. sungie, you want anything?" 

"a new roommate." 

"besides that," jaemin exaggeratedly rolls his eyes to make donghyuck laugh again. his favourite sound, after hearing him cry so much yesterday.

"yeah, whatever you're making. jeno and renjun will probably want some too, i'll wake them up." 

and thus, jaemin and donghyuck find themselves making breakfast for the whole dream dorm. not that either of them complain. 

as they work, jaemin notices something that donghyuck clearly really doesn't want him to address. 

donghyuck will not touch him. 

it's bad enough that he flinches away from any touch jaemin initiates, but the boy will go out of his way to make sure he doesn't touch jaemin. he tries to situate himself to cook on a counter at the other side of the kitchen to jaemin. if he needs a tool jaemin is holding, instead of taking it from his hand he will wait until it's on the counter and jaemin's hand is far enough away from it before he will go to grab it. just in case their hands touch. 

it's ridiculous and jaemin knows exactly who to blame.

now, jaemin's been infatuated with donghyuck for years. jeno and renjun have made fun of him for almost as long for it. they say he looks at donghyuck starry eyed, and that he'll take on whatever nonsense donghyuck throws at him, even out of his comfort zone, because jaemin is literally in love with him. 

it started as a joke because jaemin always seemed to talk about donghyuck (kind of a "what? do you fancy him or something?) kind of way, but when they realised he probably did like donghyuck. well, if jaemin were honest they just teased him even more.

at any rate, his infatuation just meant he was more observant of donghyuck's every mannerism. he's come to memorise his friend over all these years he's known him. and despite this, jaemin has never seen donghyuck act like this before. 

it may have been something building for a while, but jaemin was sure something must have happened to just snap donghyuck's confidence like a twig. the older boy would shake when someone comes closer, afraid to do something wrong. 

it's subtle enough that an untrained eye wouldn't notice, but like jaemin said, his eye is well trained in the art of donghyuck. 

it angers jaemin, in the pit of his stomach he knows donghyuck is more affected than he's letting on but both of them are too scared to mention it. 

in fact, donghyuck can barely even acknowledge his flinching from jaemin's touch. 

and yes, jaemin knows exactly who is to blame. which is why he's extremely reluctant to let donghyuck go when a manager comes to collect him for a 127 dance practice. 

he presses a kiss to donghyuck's forehead before he leaves, "please, remember you're special, hyuckie," he murmurs, quiet, so only donghyuck can hear. just in case the manager listens. 

donghyuck nods to acknowledge that he heard the message. tries to give jaemin a smile. he grimaces instead and jaemin's heart breaks just a little bit, because watching him go is like sending him away to torture. 

"where have you been." that's how donghyuck is greeted when he gets to the practice room. 

taeyong didn't even say hi before he questioned him. 

"i was at the dreamies dorm." dinghyuck says slowly, "renjun told the managers i was there." 

"well next time tell us too!" taeyong scolds, "we don't want to be worrying about where you are when we don't need to."

donghyuck doesn't know if it was a moment of bravery or stupidity that makes him say, "sure hyung, i'm sure you would prefer to just forget my existence entirely anyway." 

taeyong stares at him in shock for a moment, as does mark, taeil and yuta who had all been listening to the conversation. "donghyuck, what does that m-"

"it's whatever, hyung, i get it," donghyuck says and it dumbfounds all four of the members watching him to see that he's close to tears. "i'll stay away from you as much as i can today, i promise, now if you excuse me i need to get ready." 

he walks off and the others exchange looks.

"hyung, what the fuck did i miss while i was away with my parents?" mark asks angrily, but donghyuck wasn't there to see it. and he wasn't there for taeyong's helpless and confused reply.

"i don't know."

donghyuck doesn't talk the whole of practice, unless he needs to ask the choreographer a question. since he'd spent a night with the dreamies, getting showered in everything he had been craving from 127, he'd realised how much he'd come to resent the older members. 

it scares him. 

but he also just feels uncomfortable. 

he feels like he can't be his usual self, so he hides. avoids being too close to the members, he wouldn't want a brush of his arm to piss them off. he's more cautious now, because he's been cuddling jaemin all night and he doesn't want to accidentally do what he's been stopping himself from doing so long. 

it makes him anxious, he messes up the dance a couple of times because his mind won't stop running awful scenarios through his head. but it's a normal reaction, he thinks, so he continues on. 

the way back from practice is tense for him as he sits next to johnny, and he can't help but think about the other boy pushing him down. he squeezes his arms tight into his lap to make sure his body doesn't touch the older's. 

"you okay, donghyuck?" johnny asks, giving him a strange look that donghyuck would almost call concern, if he thought the older would ever be concerned about him. 

donghyuck nods and looks out of the window to avoid the look. 

"you sure? you've been acting weird." 

donghyuck ignores him until johnny sighs and continues what he was watching on his phone before he spoke up. 

needless to say, donghyuck was relieved when the manager dropped him at the dream dorm, no questions asked, as per renjun's request the night before. he nods and thanks the manager for walking him to the dorm before he goes in, already feeling more comfortable than he had all day.

jaemin smiles when he sees donghyuck walk through the dream dorm. he and renjun had been cooking when he came in and immediately stood next to jaemin, clearly wanting to initiate a hug, but apparently too scared to do it. 

he moved his arm so he could wrap it around donghyuck's side comfortingly as the older buried his head into his neck. "tough day?" he asks as he continues to cook one handed. 

he feels donghyuck nod into his neck and renjun chuckles at the two of them, giving jaemin a look as he says, "nothing that a nana hug can't fix, i assume?"

donghyuck moves his head to smile at the two boys, "exactly." 

"...anything happen or was it just a tough practice?" jaemin asks carefully, not sure if he was right to ask when he feels donghyuck get tense. 

"i don't think i like being near them." donghyuck admits, "at least, not right now? i can probably deal with mark, because he just hasn't been around, but the others... i feel uncomfortable with." he moves away from jaemin's hold all too quickly than the latter would have liked, moves so there's space between them, like he's uncomfortable to get closer, despite clearly wanting to. 

it breaks jaemins heart. (and renjun's too.)

renjun frowns, "hyuck… if it's that bad…" 

"no, no it's not," donghyuck says quickly, moving away from jaemin to look properly at renjun, "not as bad as you're probably thinking anyway. i just... need space right now, outside of practice especially." 

"okay, but hyuckie, you have to tell us if it gets worse." jaemin says softly. 

donghyuck gives one of his small smiles, "of course, nana." 

jaemin hums in acknowledgement of donghyuck's words and smiles. "well we went to go and get some stuff for you with a manager while you were away, so you've got clothes, your switch, everything, all in my room."

"and jaem really means everything," renjun laughs, "the two of us weren't sure what kind of clothes and stuff you would want so we just got the manager to help us take literally everything you own." 

"we might've got carried away," jaemin says sheepishly, "we practically moved you out." 

"the manager looked concerned that was actually what was happening." 

donghyuck laughs at renjun's words and gives them a smile, "well at least i have a choice of clothes?" he says encouragingly and jaemin beams.

they spend the rest of their time cooking in a comfortable silence, the three of them working together to get a meal ready. in the other room they can hear jisung and chenle play fighting over who gets to pick what they watch next. donghyuck finds it oddly comforting, hearing them yell at each other with absolutely zero malice at all, just the two of them being idiots. 

jaemin must notice because he smiles and pinches donghyuck's side playfully. "why don't you go and sit with the two idiots in there for a while? we're almost done in here anyway." 

donghyuck smiles, nods, walks off to join the two youngest and renjun turns to jaemin with a smirk. jaemin rolls his eyes, "shut up, you," he warns. renjun just laughs. 

donghyuck doesn't fare so well with questions. as soon as he comes into view of jisung and chenle they give each other, and then donghyuck, a grin that unnerves donghyuck slightly as he sits down on the couch next to them. 

the two of them turn to him slowly and just… stare. 

donghyuck blinks. "yes?" 

chenle crosses his legs and rests his elbow on his knee so he can prop his chin up on his palm. "so. lee donghyuck."

jisung copies chenle, propping his head up in both hands and smirking at donghyuck, "what are your intentions with our dear nana." 

donghyuck splutters with wide eyes at the two boys who break into almost identical grins. "i don't know what you mean?" 

"we mean clearly you want something from nana, we just want to check its good." jisung says. 

chenle nods quickly in agreement. "we really want it to be good, to be honest. we think you're cute!" 

"right, the way you spoke to each other this morning was adorable." 

"oh yeah, sung told me, that sounded so sappy. didn't realise you were that sentimental, hyung?" 

jeno, donghyuck had almost forgotten he was home, scoffs from where he's sitting on the armchair against the furthest wall, "hyuckie's always sentimental, he's just usually so busy joking around that it doesn't show." 

donghyuck mumbles to himself, incoherently trying to defend himself from the praise for a reason he can't quite place. 

jeno blatantly ignores him. "It's cute, hyuck, you're cute."

"you and jaemin hyung are both cute," jisung presses, "even cuter together." 

"cute." chenle agrees. 

"i don't think-"

"i didn't even know you liked nana," jeno says, "until, like, this week. like i knew you were friends but you weren't that close." 

chenle's eyes are sparkling as he says, "maybe that's why you seemed like you weren't that close? you were crushing on him." 

"i was not!" donghyuck finally says. "i don't-" donghyuck sighs, "we're just friends. he's just being there for me." 

the three of them stare at him for a second before jeno sighs, "alright back to the drawing board, kids," he says to the two youngest, "it's only been a day we still have time. looks like he still hasn't figured it out." 

"figured out what?" donghyuck asks, gaze flickering between chenle's smug look, jeno's exasperated look, and jisung’s slightly…. guilty look. 

chenle opens his mouth to speak but is cut off by a loud knock at the door. 

from wherever they are in the dorm, all six dreamies turn and stare at the doorway. it sounded mad. 

"donghyuck, open up we know you're in there." something that is distinctively like taeyong's voice rings through the wooden door. 

another voice calls, a voice that can only be yuta's "donghyuck, come on, we want to know what's up with you." 

donghyuck stands up to get the door, ignoring the worried look from his 3 friends. 

"hyuck, you don't have to." jeno insists, taking in how shaky and nervous donghyuck's demeanor had become just from hearing their voices. 

donghyuck waves him off half heartedly and moves to the door. "w-what is it, hyungs." he asks and winces when he stutters. he never stutters.

"we just want to talk." taeyong says, "open the door. we just want to talk about you secretly moving out without telling us?"

donghyuck freezes for a moment. shit. renjun and jaemin must not have been joking when they said they took everything.

"hyuckie?" jaemin whispers from behind him. it sounds like a question but donghyuck notes it for what it is. a reminder that jaemin (and by extension the rest of dream) are right there with him. it helps a little bit but his body is still shaking

"come on hyuck, open the door so we can talk. we just want to know why you're being so ungrateful to us that you would just up and move out."

donghyuck's throat dries up and he thinks the extra moisture must go to his eyes because they immediately well up at the same time. 

even when he's trying so hard to please them he still manages to mess it all up. he feels the guilty pit at the bottom of his stomach grow larger, feeling ill at the thought of his elders hating him for going to stay with dream. 

he may be angry at them, but the idea of them hating him… it scares him. after years of giving all of his love to these men, for it all to just disappear. 

after giving so many years of his life to them, he figures he may as well be dead if they don't want him anymore. 

donghyuck doesn't have a chance to reply to taeil, because he finds himself suddenly yanked behind jaemin's body, stumbling a little bit into jeno's waiting arms as the latter strokes his arm gently in comfort. 

jaemin, however, is anything but gentle as he rips the door open to face all of 127 (minus hyuck) blinking back at him in surprise as he explodes. "excuse me?! ungrateful?" jaemin lets out an ironic chuckle, "you think he's ungrateful?" 

"we just meant-" 

jaemin doesn't let doyoung finish. "no. no, you are ungrateful. all of you. and how dare you come to our dorm and talk to donghyuck like he's your possession after all the shit you've been putting him through." 

donghyuck whimpers slightly at the reminder and he's met with a kiss on the forehead from renjun as the older, and jeno, try to calm him down. he can't hear anything they're whispering though, because he's focused on jaemin. 

"you have ruined him." jaemin growls as the older nct members all just simply watch him seethe in shock. they've never seen sweet jaemin like this before. "i only know what he's willing to tell me but it's enough. he's terrified of you." he's not shouting now, in fact he's talking eerily calm, "he can barely touch us without shaking like a leaf so i can't imagine what he's like alone with you." 

"jaemin we-"

"don't know what i'm talking about?" another sarcastic laugh, "please, you do. you just don't want to admit it. you've hurt him. emotionally. he is terrified of giving other people affection, he can't so much as hold my hand without worrying about it for 20 minutes first. he damn near had a panic attack this morning when he woke up with my arms around him because he was scared it was one of you! that's not right." 

"we didn't-" 

"mean it? tell that to hyuckie crying into my chest for four hours yesterday. tell that to however long he suffered in silence before he told us yesterday. and you call him ungrateful ? what's there to be grateful for? some shitty hyungs who take the one thing he has always been open about loving and craving and rip it away, force him to quit the one thing he loves most on a bad day? hyungs who refuse to give him a hug when he's clearly upset? hyungs who don't let him give them affection when he sees they're having a bad day?"

"if we can just-" 

"no. you can't. you cant explain yourselves, you barely even know what you did wrong." jaemin is seething now, his words are cutting through the tense air like knives and nobody, not even the dreamies, knows how to take it. jaemin is never like this. in arguments he's always the level headed one, but now he's just plain pissed off. jaemin looks back at hyuck for a moment and surveys his face. eyes softening when they meet his. 

they seem, in the opinion of everyone else on the scene, to have a silent conversation between them before jaemin turns back to the elders, flames back in his eyes

"you will leave. now. you will not approach donghyuck unless he is comfortable enough to approach you. you will not rush him. he will stay here with us as long as he sees fit. you will think over how you've treated hyuckie for months, think about how you've made him scared to even brush arms with you. hyuckie makes the decisions here, not me, not you, so if he decides later he wants you back here then he will ask you accordingly. now though, he clearly doesn't want visitors." 

and with that the door is shut again and jaemin is turning to donghyuck. "is it okay if i touch you?" he asks, calm and sweet, nothing like his tone mere seconds before. the older is clearly panicked and jaemin doesn't want to make it worse. 

donghyuck nods and jaemin immediately cups his face with both hands so he can wipe away the falling tears, "you're okay, they're gone. it's just us now, okay? you don't need to worry." 

that's the moment donghyuck admits to himself he's more upset about this than he was letting himself believe.

things calm down after that, donghyuck gets into a new routine. every morning he wakes up in jaemin's arms. is given cheek and forehead kisses between good morning greetings while jisung calls them gross from the top bunk. (the youngest always gives donghyuck a hug before he leaves for any schedules, even if he pretends its 'gross')

the managers seemed to realise something was off with 127 but didn't question it. 127 practices were always awkward, one of the dreamies (if their schedule permitted) always attended with donghyuck and sat in the back and watched.

the members of 127 stuck to jaemin's rules, especially when the younger boy was with donghyuck, and stayed away from hyuck. it made the boy feel more comfortable, yes, but he also still missed the older boys, the relationships they had before the whole situation had happened. 

but, he's not ready to forgive them. he's still upset and he still struggles with touch. 

he can accept as much affection as he wants from all the other boys, although he definitely prefers they ask for permission first (which they’ve gotten used to doing) as he still jumps or flinches when he gets touched unexpectedly and he really isn’t sure why.

but he hesitates, and often doesn't go through with, initiating his own hugs or other such affection. he feels a bit silly, really, that he’s getting worked up over nothing. he should be able to give someone a hug when he wants to, but still his hands shake as he reaches out and his arms barely raise 2cm before they’re going back down.

jaemin helps, of course he does. there’s something about his presence that makes him easier to approach than the others, and jaemin knows donghyuck so well that it seems he has a sort of sixth sense. the completely ridiculous ability to tell when donghyuck’s about to hug him. 

or, more accurately, the ability to tell when donghyuk is going to chicken out from hugging him. 

“it’s okay hyuck,” jaemin says most times, “you can do it.” so, donghyuck does. whatever he was about to stop himself doing he reaches out and does it. having permission helps. he knows he used to blindly reach out to the members and just cuddle them close but he feels like he needs them to say it’s okay.

the dream members have all explicitly said they love getting affection from him, but he has a hard time believing them. in fact, with the exception of jaemin, who has showered him with enough reassurance to last him his whole life, he is still very much convinced that the members of dream find him just as selfish, childish and annoying as the 127 members did. 

jaemin, of course, has made it his mission to prove him wrong. about both the dream members and - surprisingly - the 127 members.

after the incident, jaemin has not looked at a single member of 127 with kindness. a hard feat, considering that jaemin was known for being most likely the most kind and caring out of all of NCT. not even his favourite hyung, jaehyun, has fared well. however, in private, jaemin is insistent to donghyuck that the members do not find him annoying. he will say just about anything to try and get it into donghyuck’s brain. 

donghyuck still doesn’t believe it. donghyuck still struggles with everything. 

but he misses them. 

he mentions as much to jaemin one night as they’re lying in jaemin’s bed. jaemin is curled into donghyuck, partly just lying on top of him, legs tangled together, head buried in the older’s neck. one of donghyuck’s arms is leisurely draped across jaemin’s waist, the other playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. 

it’s comfortable, donghyuck thinks. it’s weird. he’s never really comfortable anymore.

“jaem?”

jaemin hums into donghyuck’s neck in acknowledgement. 

“i miss them.” 

jaemin looks up slowly and studies donghyuck’s face, “them… as in?”

“127, yeah.” donghyuck confirms, smiling shyly at jaemin. “i just… miss talking to them.” 

jaemin chuckles and buries his head back in donghyuck’s neck, “then talk to them, hyuckie.”

“it’s not that i don’t want to.” donghyuck says, resuming tangling his fingers into jaemin’s hair. “i really, really , want to. i’m just scared. what if they’ve had all of this time away from me and they’ve realised how much better the dorm is without me around being clingy and desperately loud.” 

“hyuck…”jaemin sighs, the hot breathing fanning against dongyuck’s skin, making him shiver. “i wish i could convince you, you’re none of those things.” he says softly. “it really hurts me to see you like this, you know. i wish you could see you from my point of view.”

“even if i did, i probably wouldn’t be sure what i was seeing,” donghyuck teased, “your mind runs wild half the time.” 

a playful slap lands on donghyuck’s chest and the pout can be heard in jaemin’s voice when he replies, “don’t be mean, i was being serious!” 

“alright, what would i see.” 

“the most brilliant person i’ve ever met.” 

“you’re lying.” 

“am not,” jaemin lifts his head again to look donghyuck in the eyes, “you’re everything, hyuck. you’re sincere, kind, caring, loyal, beautiful.” 

“beautiful?” 

“yeah,” jaemin smirks, “beautiful.”

donghyuck hides his blush with his hand before he replies, “you’re a flirt, get on with your point, nana.” 

“i don’t really have a point,” jaemin admits, “just that i think you’re amazing, and i wish you saw it too. if you saw it, you wouldn’t hesitate to go back to 127 with open arms. it’s upsetting they’ve knocked your confidence so much.”

“you think i’d go back? just like that?” 

jaemin shrugs with another easy smile, it’s the kind of smile donghyuck thinks only jaemin could pull off. “probably, if you saw yourself as well as i did, you’d probably have the confidence to do anything you want. and as much as i love having you with me every night. because god i love having you here every night. i think you really need them back in your life to be able to start to heal. you know?”

donghyuck blinks, shakes his head, because he’s not sure he understands jaemin’s point at all. 

“it’s like,” jaemin hesitates, his eyebrows furrow as he thinks about how to word it. he looks cute, donghyuck decides as he studies the others features. the blonde gives a small smile when he works out what to say, “it’s like, you’re fine with us because we weren’t the problem right? it’s easier for you to accept attention from us, because you aren’t expecting any less. but you want to stop hesitating right?” donghyuck nods. “right so, i think, in a sense, you’re hesitating because you haven’t gotten the clarification - no that's not the right word - the validation? i guess? from the hyungs that they were the ones in the wrong, you see?”

“i guess that makes sense…” donghyuck says slowly. “but i don’t know if i’m, you know, ready for all of them.” 

“you don’t have to be.” jaemin grins, “you set the terms remember?”

donghyuck thinks back to jaemin’s outburst almost two weeks ago. “you said i can decide who can see me and when.” 

“you don’t have to see all of them at once.” jaemin says, “and you don’t even have to see the person you want to talk to in person either. not at first.” 

donghyuck considers it for a moment then nods. “maybe tomorrow…” 

“tomorrow sounds nice.” 

“for now though, can we watch a movie?” donghyuck tightens his hold on jaemin a little bit, pulling him impossibly closer. “i’m in the mood for a studio ghibli movie or something.” 

jaemin grins, “spirited away or howl’s moving castle?” 

it’s when they’re both settled, the opening to the movie just starting to play that jaemin smiles up softly at donghyuck. donghyuck hums when he notices the younger clearly wants to ask something. 

“hyuckie, may i kiss your cheek?” 

donghyuck blushes a little as he lazily replies, “yeah, that’d be nice.”

Chapter Text

nobody is surprised when the first person donghyuck calls is mark lee. 

despite often denying it publicly, the two of them are absolutely best friends and even donghyuck could see the way mark had been staring at him with the hurt puppy dog look since he'd moved out.

it wasn't really mark's fault either, he simply hadn't been around or hadn't noticed anyone treated donghyuck differently. mark was clueless like that. 

at any rate, the first call is emotional. jaemin expects it, subtly making sure he had tissues, in case donghyuck cried, and he and renjun were nearby, just for if he needed them. 

but he doesn't listen to the conversation and for that donghyuck is thankful. jisung and jaemin leave donghyuck their room for privacy and he makes himself comfortable in jaemin's bed before the call. it takes him a while before he can even dial the number, but eventually he selects mark's name, and the call button. 

mark picks up on the first ring, like he'd been waiting for the call in the weeks they'd been apart. "hyuckie…" he breathes out and he sounds so fucking relieved it makes donghyuck's heart swell a little bit.

"mark." donghyuck answers and fuck, he thinks he's already crying. he pats his cheek. yeah, definitely crying. 

if mark realises, he doesn't say anything, just breathes another sigh of relief. "hyuck, are you okay?"

donghyuck lets out his own shaky breath, "no but i will be."  

"I'm so fucking sorry hyuckie, i didn't realise what had happened, i should've been there for you, man." 

donghyuck shrugs it off. there a pause then he adds, "you're not the one i was mad at mark, i'm sorry i didn't call sooner." 

"i'm glad you took the time away," mark insists, "i think you really needed that." 

donghyuck chuckles through his tears, "i miss you." 

"i miss you too, hyuckie," mark's voice shakes as he speaks and donghyuck's heart drops to his stomach as he realises mark is crying. "i wish i did something earlier, i knew something wasn't right but i never checked in." 

donghyuck smiles, "mark really, out of everyone involved, you have the least to be sorry for. i only avoided you because i wanted some time away from anything related to 127."

"yeah, i figured, i guess just in hindsight i can't help but wish i did more."

"yeah," donghyuck agrees and it breaks his heart that there's a sudden awkward pause between them. things are never usually awkward. 

mark speaks up again a few moments later. "for the record, they all feel awful." 

"good." donghyuck says quietly, making mark let out a wet chuckle, "but i don't really want to talk about them." 

"okay, makes sense." 

"yeah." 

another long awkward silence. 

"donghyuck, would it be okay if i came to see you?" 

donghyuck hesitates. 

mark seems to pick up on this and quickly backtracks. "not, like, right this second or anything. just, like, later. at a later date, even. doesn't have to be for ten years, if you don't want it to be. i just-"

"mark..."

"i just want you to be comfortable around me, you know. i'd like to think you'd still want to at least see me? it's been so long i just really miss you, but i understand if, like, it's not the right time or whatever but i'd like to think you don't-"

"mark."

"-hate me too much. it's okay if you hate me a little bit, i know i did you wrong but- dude i just really miss talking to you and i-"

"for the love of god, mark, please shut up." 

"i- sorry, sorry." 

"i don't hate you," donghyuck reminds him softly, "i don't hate any of you, that's why i was so upset. i just hesitated to answer because i was thinking of the best time you could come over." 

"oh." 

"yeah, oh." donghyuck chuckles, "i think you should come friday, none of dream have schedules saturday, including you, so you should come and watch a movie with us or something." 

"would," mark pauses then awkwardly asks, "would jaemin be okay with that?" 

"yeah, why wouldn't he be?" 

"he has been scarily protective of you since, well you know." 

donghyuck chuckled, "he hasn't been that bad…" 

"hyuck, i don't know if you've noticed but when he's the one sitting in on our practices he literally looks like he's about to kill us all." 

"yeah, well…" 

"he literally won't even acknowledge that we exist and i'm pretty sure last time johnny tried to talk to him he threatened to chop his dick off." 

donghyuck is silent for a moment, "wait, really?" 

"yeah, johnny looked like he was about to cry like, seriously. i never thought jaemin of all people could scare johnny."

"well," donghyuck says slowly, "johnny isn't exactly jaemin's favourite person at the moment." 

he adjusts his position on the bed awkwardly, suddenly hit with a realisation that mark might not know everything that had been going on behind the scenes this whole time.

“because of the situation, right? like, i get it, but he seems to target johnny a little bit more than the rest of us…" 

"don't say target," donghyuck laughs, "you make jaem sound like a bully." mark apologises between giggles and donghyuck sighs, satisfied to have his best friend talking to him again. "but mark… have any of you, like, discussed what happened? like, at all?" 

donghyuck can practically hear mark shrug. "not really… i'm not gonna lie hyuckie, you're a bit of a sensitive subject. jungwoo cries a lot, taeil too, a little bit. taeyong looks like he wants to kill everyone, johnny is shut up in his room most of the time. we're kind of a mess without you dude. why do you ask?" 

donghyuck sighs again, heavier this time, "i'm gonna tell you my side, okay?" 

"are you sure?" mark's voice sounds shaky even through the crackly reception of the phone. donghyuck chuckles. "you don't have to…" 

"i know," donghyuck assures, "i want to." 

what follows is a conversation far more emotional than expected. donghyuck thought he would be used to telling the story by now but it doesn't get easier. it's a little bittersweet telling it to mark, as the older becomes increasingly frustrated with himself both for not seeing the signs and for simply not being there when things got to their worst. 

it's when donghyuck gets to the part about johnny that things take a turn. 

mark practically spits down the phone in anger, "he did what to you?" 

"minhyung," donghyuck says, using mark’s given name to show he was serious, "please don't do anything." 

"he pushed you hyuckie." mark complains bitterly, "that's serious, that's so serious." 

"i know hyung, but i want to deal with this my way. i didn't tell you this to get you pissed off at johnny, i did this to help you understand jaemin's actions. i guess he is acting like a bit of a guard dog with me but, its all for good reason, especially in his eyes."

mark sighs, "i suppose i'd feel the same. i get it, i won't go for johnny or anything but i'm definitely letting him know that i know and i'm not happy with him." donghyuck goes to protest but, "don't tell me i can’t because i don't think ill be able to look at him otherwise. it's not like the rest of your dreamies treat him any better. especially jaemin. you know, i didn't realise you and him were even that close though. or is that a… new development?"

something in the way mark voices the question makes donghyuck blush, he can feel not only his face but also his neck and chest heat up in a deep flush. "it's kinda new i guess, we were good friends before, we were just closer with our own best friends than with each other." 

"but now…" mark teases

"oh shut up, mark," donghyuck complains sharply, "it's not like that." 

"sure, i'll pretend to believe you. for the record, the two of you are cute."

"you know, suddenly i need to go." 

"yeah go and kiss jaemin, probably."

"minhyung, i'll fight you."

"yeah yeah, whatever, like i said it's cute. i'll see you friday yeah? no pressure, if you decide you're not ready to see me just shoot me a text and i won't come." 

"thank you mark,"

"and hey, y'know, totally up to you but like you can text me you know? whenever you want. all the time, even. man, i really did miss you, dude." 

donghyuck laughs, and after several assurances of "yes, you dork, of course i'll message you," donghyuck hung up the phone and just… sat contemplating his first conversation with one of the people he'd been actively avoiding.

he didn't know how long it had been when jaemin finally entered the room. he lightly flops himself down on the bed next to donghyuck, makes sure not to touch him so as to not surprise or overwhelm him. "all done?" 

donghyuck hums in affirmation, "i missed him more than i thought." 

jaemin smiles, "can i hold your hand?" he asks softly, and at donghyuck's nod he takes donghyuck's left hand in both of his, "i'm so proud of you, hyuckie, that was a big step you took today! do you feel any better?" 

donghyuck nods, "a bit, i think most of me was missing mark, he's my best friend, you know, other than renjun, i felt like i was missing something." 

"wow, way to make me feel like a placeholder," jaemin whined but he was grinning, so donghyuck knew the younger was teasing. 

donghyuck pouted anyway, "you know i didn't mean it like that, nana." 

jaemin giggled and, slowly, so donghyuck had time to back out if he wanted, pecked donghyuck on the nose. "i know." 

"good," donghyuck smiled, and in a rush of sudden confidence, pulled jaemin in for a hug, "i'm glad i have you." 

"glad i have you too, hyuckie," jaemin murmurs into donghyuck’s neck. "and i really am so proud of you." 

"me too." 

it goes like this: marks due to arrive at the dream dorm in, like, 20 minutes and donghyuck is freaking out. jisung and chenle are preparing snacks and drinks, renjun's scrolling through their choices in movie, and jeno and jaemin sit side by side, cuddled into each other as they watch donghyuck pace the room.

"hyuckie, come on, you said it yourself he's your best friend! he's not gonna be mad at you."

"but what if he is ?" donghyuck asks, speeding up his pacing, "what if he tries to hug me?" 

"then you tell him you're not ready for that kind of commitment," renjun jokes, rolling his eyes as he scrolls through netflix's romcom section, "anyone else feeling like watching clueless?" 

there's mumbles of no and a "hyung don't you fucking dare" from the kitchen. 

donghyuck groans, "you're not helping ! what if i cry? hm? then what? what if he tries to touch me and i start sobbing and he thinks i'm being pathetic." 

"hyuckie, baby, you're not pathetic." donghyuck freezes in his pacing and nobody in the room is sure if its because he's considering jaemin's words, or if he caught on to jaemin accidently calling him baby. "come sit down," jaemin takes advantage of donghyuck freezing to tug on his sleeve and encourage him to sit. 

donghyuck stares at the spot where his sleeve slightly moves for a moment before shaking his head. jaemin lets go as donghyuck resumes moving. 

"hyuck, come on, it's just mark, the dude's a sweetheart. he couldn't be mad at you if he tried." jeno reasons and donghyuck nods. 

"yeah, yeah, i guess you're right." he stops for a second and everyone is about to sigh in relief when the boy opens his mouth again, "what if it makes him sad instead?" 

"it's probably a possibility, hyuck, it's a sad situation," renjun says slowly, ignoring jaemin's clear glare. "but even if it makes him sad, that won't change the fact that he's your best friend and he loves and respects you. i can guarantee he's not going to do anything you're not comfortable with in the first place." 

donghyuck sighs and, finally, lets himself drop onto the sofa next to jaemin. "i'm just worried." 

"we know," jeno laughs. 

jaemin shoots donghyuck his biggest smile and intertwines their hands. "we'll be here with you through everything okay? try not to be nervous, we'll help you through it." 

donghyuck nods softly, "okay." 

"why don't you go get some blankets for us all to share?" jeno suggests, "distract yourself." 

donghyuck smiles and gets up, reluctantly releasing his hold on jaemin's hand. 

it's quiet while he's gone until:

"baby, huh nana?" 

"oh fuck off, jeno." 

"look, nobody suggested anything else so i'm putting on clueless." 

"renjun, you put that on and you can sleep outside for the next month." 

"it's a good film, you just have no taste."

mark arrives, and any thought that anybody had that this would be awkward immediately disappears. 

because, honestly, it's mark . the boy could barely hurt a fly and he's literally just sitting in an armchair, a respectable distance from donghyuck and just goofily smiling while chenle and jisung battle renjun for the remote. jeno, jaemin and donghyuck were sitting on the opposite sofa, snuggled into each other.

" we want to watch star wars, hyung," jisung's complaining, "you like star wars! why are you fighting?" 

"it's a matter of principle, i now want to watch clueless because i know the rest of you don't." 

"evil, you're evil hyung." 

"look, this is entertaining and all," mark interrupts, "but i would love to actually watch a movie before i need to go home. so, let's just watch star wars, majority rules." 

"okay, mr unofficial leader," renjun huffs, letting chenle take the remote control and moving to sit next to donghyuck on the sofa with a pout. "hyuck, can i?" 

the younger nods and renjun wraps his arms around his middle and gets himself comfortable. leaning his back on hyucks other side is jaemin, who has his legs flung over jeno's lap.

jisung squeeze's himself onto the armchair with mark and chenle selects return of the jedi before sitting on the floor in front of the two. 

they watch four star wars movies. 

it's a bit tense. a bit. it's like they all know they should be comfortable but there's an elephant room. and it's not like nobody wants to address it, they all do, it's more that they wish it didn't have to be there in the first place. 

they shuffle around during the movies, alternating who goes to freshen up drinks, bathroom breaks, everything, but through it all, they all seem to notice but not fully acknowledge that donghyuck and mark are doing everything in their power to not be left alone. 

still, it's a fun night, and the longer it goes on, the more comfortable everyone gets and it's easier to pretend nothing awful happened at all. mark and donghyuck even let their eyes meet without looking away immediately. 

it's well after 2am before anyone considers going to sleep. or, at least, going to their rooms to sleep. jaemin fell asleep tucked under donghyuck's arm somewhere in the second movie, chenle and jisung too in the third movie, both of their bodies leaning into whatever they could reach of mark. 

renjun smiles as the fourth movie ends, "i think that's it for me, i'm exhausted." he cuddles into donghyuck in goodbye before he stands, brushing himself off. he pats mark on the head as he walks past to retreat into his room, calling a soft "good night" over his shoulder. 

the three remaining awake all reply then look between each other, expectantly. "i'm gonna try and tuck the kids into bed." jeno says awkwardly, "they'll probably just crash in with me, mark, if you want to take jisung's bed?" he carefully lifts jaemin's legs off of him so he can get up. "might be good for you guys to, uh, have some privacy? well as much as you can get with nana there too." 

"it's fine, man," mark says, "thanks for the offer but i don't know if hyuck would be comfortable-" 

"i would be." donghyuck says quietly, "comfortable, i mean."

"yeah?" 

"yeah." 

"well, clearly you guys are chatty as ever," jeno jokes to try and break the tension between the to best friends. "so i'm just gonna, you know." he gestures to the two youngest, taps chenle's shoulder until he stirs and motions for him to follow as he just outright lifts jisung off of mark. "seriously though, maybe talk before you go to sleep." 

he walks away, holding jisung over his shoulder with one arm while the other guides a half asleep chenle to his room.   

"rude bitch," donghyuck mutters, "didn't even say good night.

mark tries to hold in a laugh but he's never been very good at that, so giggles erupt from his body that make donghyuck laugh too, though he tries to shush the older when he notices jaemin stir. 

they sit in silence for a moment, watch the youngest adjust his position, still asleep. 

"i missed hanging out with you, hyuck, even if i kept at a respectable distance the whole night."

"i really appreciate you doing that," donghyuck laughs. "it's… a weird situation, for us. but honestly, if you came in and was immediately all over me, no offence but i would've thrown up." 

mark makes a face, "thrown up?" he asks, in mock hurt, "wow didn't realise you hated me that much."

"oh, you know i didn't mean it like that," donghyuck huffs, with a bounce in his voice that mark had missed hearing. "i don't think i would've been able to handle that much straight away." 

"then i'll stay like this until you're comfortable, i mean it hyuck." 

"you're being so nice about all this," donghyuck says shakily, "don't you think i'm being overdramatic? too needy?" 

"donghyuck… no, of course not." mark doesn't get up to comfort donghyuck like he wants to. instead he just tells the truth. "you're one of the most important people in my life. you could hold my hand and tell me i'm not allowed to let go until i'm 35 and i wouldn't think you're needy." 

"now that's just silly, minhyung," donghyuck teases, "how are we gonna dance while holding hands for that long." 

"i'm sure you would find a way to manage." mark laughs, "but seriously, you are in no way a burden to me. i would do anything to make you happy, even if that thing is keeping my distance for a while." 

"i love you, hyung." donghyuck says suddenly and mark stares at him in surprise for a few seconds before he grins earnestly at the younger. 

"love you too, hyuck," he replies, "so much. and i know it's probably gonna be a bit tense with us for a while, but i promise i'm gonna work hard to earn back your trust. even if it takes years."

"hopefully it won't take years."

"yeah, hopefully not. look, i'm just gonna sleep on the sofa tonight." 

donghyuck looks down at jaemin's face to avoid looking at mark, "you don't have to do that. jaemin wouldn't mind and jisung would totally let you use his bed."

"i don't care if they mind, i care if you mind." 

"i don't." donghyuck insists. "things are gonna be weird for a while, to be completely honest with you. i'm not comfortable with anyone but, you know, them, right now. but i really wish i was comfortable with you." 

"but you're not comfortable, donghyuck, you're still scared. that's really okay, as well, but you can't pretend to yourself that you are fine just because you wish you were. there's a reason why everyone else isn't here, afterall." 

"i know, but-"

"no buts. jaemin's right, you need to go at your own pace, but i need you to be sure this is your pace and not the pace you think you should be going at. you've been tense all night and you know it." 

"i've been tense." donghyuck admits. "but… not because of you. well, yes because of you but not because of you, does that make sense?" 

mark grins, "absolutely not." 

donghyuck thinks for a moment, considers how to explain, "it's like, i know i want to spend my time with you, i miss you, i'm ready for us to go back to where we were. but i'm scared to make the jump, in case things go back to bad again, yes, but also because i know i'm not ready to let in anybody else. just you. i'm kinda scared if we go back to normal, everybody else is going to get even more upset with me, hate me more than they already do." 

"they don't hate you." 

donghyuck scoffs, he has no reason to believe that.

"but that's besides the point. the guys know they fucked up, hyuck, they won't get upset with you for not being ready."

"i wish i could believe you." 

mark smiles, waves his hand in the air dismissively, "it makes sense. i am telling the truth though. now you wake up jaemin and take him to bed, okay? i'll stay out here this time, maybe next time we can sleep in the same room. maybe even hug good night. but for now, i'm content just having my best friend talk to me again." 

"next time sounds nice."

Chapter Text

things carry on much the same for a while. donghyuck is perfectly happy limiting his circle to just the seven he trusted. he was still weary of being in the same room as mark, and he still flinched inwardly whenever the others touched him - but there was still progress made. 

and, as most had already concluded, most of his progress was with jaemin. the younger had been a pillar for him throughout the whole initial ordeal, and as time went on, became just a pillar in donghyuck’s life.

it was strange. 

before this had all happened, he would rarely seek out jaemin’s company. now, every spare moment was spent with jaemin. when he wasn’t recording, practicing, at a schedule or having (limited) contact with someone else, he was curled into jaemin’s side like an attention starved cat. 

jeno had even begun joking that jaemin and donghyuck must be tied together with invisible string, they were together so often. 

“do you think that’s true?” donghyuck asks jaemin one day while he watches the other make dinner. jaemin hums in question. “are we together too much?” 

jaemin laughs and flicks donghyuck’s forehead affectionately, “of course not. who decides how much is too much, anyway?” 

“i guess,” donghyuck frowns, rubbing at the spot jaemin just flicked. “but they wouldn’t joke about it if they didn’t think it was too much.” 

jaemin hums again, focusing more on stirring the ingredients in the pan, “do you not like spending time with me?” he teases. 

“well, yeah, of course,” donghyuck feels his cheeks heat up as he talks, and wipes at them in the hope to hide any red on them. 

if the way jaemin coos is any indication, it doesn’t work. "if you like spending time with me and i like spending time with you, why wouldn't we be together often?" 

donghyuck ponders the question seriously for a few moments, jaemin chuckling to himself more the longer the silence wears on. 

"i guess there's no reason why we wouldn't." donghyuck answers, finally, "and even if there was a reason at this point i don't think i care." 

jaemin laughs louder this time. "me either, hyuckie. see? so it doesn't matter what the others are saying, yeah?"

donghyuck nods and lifts his hand to tug at jaemin's top gently. jaemin knows immediately what he needs and pulls him in for a hug. 

“hyuck, we’ve gotten close this past month that’s all it is.” jaemin chuckles, “and that’s nobody’s business but ours, to be honest.” 

“you’re right.” 

“I always am,” jaemin laughs. he turns to kiss donghyuck blushed cheek and grins when he sees the colour there get darker. “now go tell the other’s dinner’s ready, yeah?” 

--

renjun loves the fact donghyuck found someone he’s comfortable with during this whole situation, he really does. 

he would just really like it if they both weren’t so loud about it.

“hyuckie,” jaemin whines cutely from where he lays, atop donghyuck’s torso, “you said it was my turn to pick the movie.” 

“i say a lot of things,” donghyuck says back, hints of amusement laced in his tone. “but you’re gonna pick an awful movie.”

“will not!” says jaemin argues, pinching donghyuck’s side and making the older squirm away from his touch, the remote falling from his grasp in the process.

renjun rolls his eyes. they’ve been arguing for ten minutes over this. renjun isn’t even sure if he would call it arguing, if he were honest, they’re both just grinning at each other while they talk in the cutest voices they can. 

renjun would usually join in but he’s not even sure they know he’s even there. 

their argument, however, poses the perfect distraction. 

quietly, renjun gets up from his seat on the armchair. he’s careful in his movements, anything too quick and he risks alerting them of his presence. he takes a couple of purposeful steps. eyes, surveying the area as he moves. he expertly manoeuvres around the two, staying out of their line of vision

he catches the eye of jeno, who’s lying on the floor near jaemin and donghyuck’s place on the couch, playing PUBG on his phone. 

jeno grins at him, and gestures to the other two with an overexaggerated look of exasperation. 

renjun smirks and rolls his eyes, silently agreeing that, yes, the other two were idiots. 

with target within reach renjun, carefully leans forward, arm outstretched. 

“nana!” donghyuck complains, “stop tickling me, or we’ll never get to watch a movie.” 

renjun freezes, looks up at the two. he resists letting out a sigh of relief as he realises they’re just staring at each other now, complaining softly at one another. renjun curls his fingers around the remote and successfully moves back to his armchair before they can look away.

on the floor jeno is silently laughing to himself as his continues to play his game. 

renjun gets himself comfortable with a grin as he starts clueless . “idiots,” he calls to get their attention, “maybe if you stopped flirting for a moment you’d have realised I was stealing the remote.” 

jaemin scowls, “hey, come on junnie, no fair!” 

“fair. i had to listen to you two whine at each other for 10 minutes, i get to watch clueless.” 

jaemin groans, runs his hand through his hair and looks down at donghyuck, “what do we do now.” 

donghyuck shrugs, “clueless is actually a pretty good movie,” he says, settling himself down to watch it.” 

“ thank you !” renjun praises, happy someone else is finally acknowledging the beauty that is clueless. “i like you a little more than usual now, hyuckie.”

"still not much then." jeno finally speaks up and receives a pillow to the face, courtesy of donghyuck.

--

the worst thing about the past month had to have been any 127 practices donghyuck had to attend, even worse if jaemin was given the okay to sit in on them. 

the air would always be tense. jaemin and hyuck on one side of the room, mark a little further away, but close enough that he can still chat to them, while the others just… stared. sort of, anyway. they’d be chatting and laughing amongst themselves, but there would be a tense air around them and they would often steal glances at the three youngest in the room. 

“do you think mark realises he’s a third wheel,” jungwoo jokes one day as he and yuta watch donghyuck lean into jaemin’s shoulder as he laughs at something (probably stupid, judging by the type of laugh) mark just said.

yuta laughs and shakes his head, “no, but to be fair to him, i don’t think donghyuck realises either.”

"poor jaemin, he's got to have the patience of a saint." johnny butts in from where he was eavesdropping, "donghyuck's an idiot when it comes to that stuff."

mark shifts from where he's seated and moves a bit closer to donghyuck, making the younger boy (and subsequently everybody else in the room) freezes. 

mark's mistake is made more awkward than it should be when all conversation in the room stops. even the manager and choreographer conversing at the door seems to pause in conversation. 

"shit, hyuck, i'm sorry." mark says as he attempts to move back but donghyuck holds his hands up as if to say 'it's alright you can stay'. it was a bit of an odd sight to see, and most in the room were saddened that something that should be small was actually such good progress for donghyuck.

jungwoo holds back from cooing as jaemin slowly takes donghyuck's hand in both of his and starts gently rubbing circles into his palm. 

donghyuck visibly relaxes into the touch, leaning further into jaemin's torso.

"if jaemin gets any less subtle, even the managers are gonna catch on," yuta says 

--

jisung and chenle are absolutely, one hundred percent, plotting, and they really aren't afraid to admit it. 

see, jisung - being jaemin's absolute favourite nct member, bar none - has done well to notice that his jaemin hyung, was clearly in love with donghyuck. 

he noticed during their first comeback after jaemin's hiatus that jaemin was particularly attentive to donghyuck. not in an obvious way, like the older was to jisung himself, it was more strangely passive, as if he purposefully wanted to make it look like he did not care at all about donghyuck. 

still though, the boy would have his eyes glued to donghyuck, whenever he thought nobody could catch him. unfortunately for him, at the time, jisung's eyes were always on jaemin (his horrific old crush on jaemin at least did something right) and thus, jisung noticed jaemin's stare. jaemin's smitten smile and love struck eyes. jaemin's little giggles that were reserved for hyuck. 

at the time, of course, it was the most heart-breaking thing jisung could have deduced. he had spent many a night during their go era wrapped up in bed with chenle eating forbidden treats and watching sad movies. 

however, now that jisung had finally realised his crush was just puppy love. had mostly grown from the shock of seeing jaemin again for the first time in a while, he was very much what their fans would call a 'nahyuck shipper'. 

he already knew jaemin's side of the story, the younger often overhearing his roommates talk about it in hushed tones while they thought he was asleep. he knew that jaemin was genuinely head over heels in love but had convinced himself that donghyuck couldn't feel the same for him.

jisung had to disagree. 

especially with the events currently unfolding. 

never in his life had he seen anyone as joint at the hip as jaemin and donghyuck had been in the past month and a half. (chenle would usually argue that perhaps they were just as joint at the hip, but jisung had to politely decline that theory because hello that's clearly a platonic thing, chenle.)

jaemin and donghyuck? he wasn't sure they were platonic at all. on both sides. 

he and chenle were very much 'team nahyuck' from the start (read: from the point jisung got over his own crush on jaemin) and were probably a little too invested in the (not) couple. 

and so, jisung and chenle were plotting. 

very obviously. 

a little too obviously. 

it had gotten weird. 

renjun scoffs as he walks to the dining table to see jisung and chenle had set itto look a little too romantic. the oldest went to sit down only to be outright screamed down by chenle. "that seats for donghyuck, hyung, read the placecard."

renjun looks down in disbelief only to find that, oh for god's sake, the maknaes actually had put down place cards to make sure that jaemin and hyuck sit together. 

"you know, they really don't sit apart, there's no point in you putting these down," jeno says slowly as he takes his own seat, on the complete opposite side of the table to jaemin's, having just placed the food on the table.

"the place cards aren't for them, they're for you." jisung explains. he doesn't elaborate further though and renjun fixes him with an exasperated stare. 

chenle ends up actually explaining a moment before donghyuck and jaemin come back from practice. "we're all in places that will minimize distraction. jeno and jisung far from jaemin, and you far from donghyuck."

"that's the stupidest thing i've ever heard." 

turns out renjun, like most times, is absolutely right.

donghyuck and jaemin walk in just moments later, wrapped up in each other. they acknowledge the others enough to greet them and compliment the food. before they go back to their apparently deep discussion on the best team of pokemon to get in the new pokemon sword. jaemin was adamant you could 100% cruise through with just an army of the various eevee evolutions, donghyuck preferred a fire and fairy type heavy, power dominant team.)

when the meal was over, the two thanked renjun for cooking the meal and retired to jaemin and jisung's room claiming to be tired. 

renjun fixes jisung with a look and jisung grins. 

"i know, i know, i'm a genius." 

chenle laughs, always finding it hilarious to humour jisung, "we'll get them together in no time, sungie." 

"i really don't think they need your help," renjun sighs as jeno pats his shoulder in comfort.

--

mark rarely notices things. he is very much known for his completely oblivious nature.

but he is almost certain there's something going on between donghyuck and renjun. 

like, seriously, they keep stealing glances at each other over jaemin's shoulder whenever they all hang out. mark has even caught renjun smirking at donghyuck plenty of times.

right now, for example, mark is hanging with both of them in renjun's room, all three of them are cuddled together on the bed, donghyuck in the middle. (it took them 20 minutes to convince mark that, yes, he could come and join them).

renjun kept making what mark could only assume to be suggestive comments that were making donghyuck blush. (if mark were paying attention who would have realised renjun had made a comment about jaemin, but mark honestly just wasn't listening).

he was slightly confused because last time he spoke to donghyuck the other had seemed to very much like jaemin. although he had seemed oblivious to it. maybe donghyuck just genuinely didn't have feelings for jaemin and was leading him on? mark wasn't sure. 

one thing he was sure of? renjun and donghyuck were flirting.

 poor jaemin. 

it took until mark witnessed donghyuck giggle at renjun for the 14th time that hour for marl to lose his patience. "okay, i know you all think i'm dumb but do you really think you can both flirt in front of me and i won't notice?"

renjun and donghyuck both stare at him for a long second, then stare at each other, then back at him. 

"my god, you're an idiot." renjun quips at the same time that donghyuck bursts into laughter. 

mark pouts as he looks between the two, "why are you laughing , i know i'm right!"

"you've never been more wrong!" donghyuck complains, flicking mark's forehead playfully. "renjun and i? disgusting! no offence."

"none taken, i feel quite the same."

"then… why are you always giggling and blushing?" 

renjun sighs, "markus lee, have you not been listening to us for the past twenty minutes?" 

"uhm.." mark scratches his head awkwardly. clearly he was too invested in what had been spinning around his own mind to consider actually listening to them. might have been a good idea. 

"hyung, i've been spending the past month teasing hyuck for how obviously smitten he is with Jaemin."

mark takes this moment to consider the situations he had been reading incorrectly before. all the times renjun smirked at donghyuck over jaemin’s shoulder, jaemin had just asked to hold donghyuck’s hand, or offhandedly called donghyuck pretty. most times they were giggling with each other, jaemin had just left the room and the two had caught each other’s eyes. 

mark sees it now.

it was still jaemin. 

of course it was still jaemin.

donghyuck rolls his eyes, but he can't hide the way his cheeks flush dark red. "i am not smitten ." he argues, "i just like being with him." 

"yeah, so do i, doofus, but i don't spend every waking moment with him." 

"well i should hope not, you like jeno." 

" jeno ?" mark asks but it falls on deaf ears.

renjun lets out a smug sigh, "yeah i do, but that answer suggests i have to like jaemin in order to spend as much time with him as you do." 

donghyuck splutters, "i… that's not what i meant you tricked me!" donghyuck pouts, playfully pushing renjun away and leaning into mark instead as renjun howls with laughter. 

"give it up, hyuckie, you basically admitted to it." 

"god i hate you," donghyuck sighs dramatically.

renjun just laughs more, "no, you don't." 

"no, i don't." 

they fall into a comfortable silence, in which renjun cuddles back into donghyuck and they both start scrolling through their phones. 

mark looks between them in shock for a moment. he should probably apologise for assuming they were dating when that clearly wasn't the case, but instead he just says:

"what do you mean you like jeno ?"

-- 

"hyung?" 

jaemin peers from his bottom bunk to see jisung peering over the rail of the top bunk at him. "yeah, sungie?" 

"where's hyuckie hyung?"

"he's in renjun's room. he, renjun and mark are having a sleepover, or something." jaemin sighs softly, apparently thinking of something wistfully before shaking his head, "why'd you ask?" 

"can we cuddle?" 

jaemin laughs and gestures for jisung to come to him. the younger doesn't need to be asked twice, practically jumping over the rail to get into jaemin's arms quicker. 

"careful," jaemin jokes, wrapping his arms around the younger as he buries his head in jaemin's chest. "people might get the wrong idea and think you actually do have a favourite hyung." 

jisung mumbles something unintelligible into the older's chest. 

"what was that?" jaemin asks with a grin, "i can't quite hear you." 

"i said," jisung huffs, "i said, 'you are my favourite hyung.'" 

"oh ho ho!" jaemin cackles, tickling jisung's sides lightly, "can't wait to tell the others i win ." 

jisung whines in annoyance, pushing jaemin away, "carry on and you won't be," he says, stubborn as always. 

jaemin pouts, "you can't take the title away from me, i just got it!" 

"then stop being annoying." 

"no, you." 

" jaemin hyung ."

"okay, okay," jaemin smiles softly, pulling jisung back in, "i get it, no more joking." 

jisung relaxes into jaemin's arms, breathing steadily matching up to the rise and fall of jaemin's chest. the stay like that for a good 10 minutes, just enjoying each other's presence, until jisung opens his mouth.

"you like him, don't you hyung?" 

jaemin hums, "like who, sungie?" 

"donghyuck hyung."

"well, " jaemin clears his throat awkwardly, "i mean, sure, he's one of my closest friends."

"no he's not," jisung says, "and i didn't mean that kind of like."

as always, jaemin tries to make a joke of it. tries to save himself embarrassment, "why are you asking? sungie, are you jealous? i thought you got over your crush on me?"

jisung pushed awy to look jaemin in the eyes with his own wide ones filled with surprise, "you knew?!" 

"of course i knew," jaemin laughed, "you weren't very subtle, bub."

jisung groaned, slapping his hand to his forehead in shame. 

"hey, it was cute, don't worry about it!" jaemin chuckled, "but you didn't answer me, is that what this is about? jealousy? because if it makes you uncomfortable or something, i really don't mind, i don't know toning it down?"

"i'm not jealous," jisung said quietly, "i just… you seem really happy."

jaemin raises an eyebrow. "i do?" 

"yeah, you do." jisung answers, looking jaemin directly in the eye for the first time since the conversation started.

"i am happy," jaemin laughed, "i feel like i'm finally getting to know him. i just feel a bit guilty that it's under these circumstances." 

"don't be," jisung shakes his head, bringing his hand up to brush some hair out of jaemin's eyes, "you've been so good for him, we've all seen it hyung. i even heard the managers saying they've never seen someone treat donghyuck so gently before." 

"well, he deserves it, i'm just glad he's allowing me to treat him the way he deserves." 

"so you do like him then?" 

"it's never been a secret, how i feel about him. it's like an unspoken fact." jaemin chuckles, "i'm pretty sure donghyuck himself knows." 

"i don't know hyung, he's pretty oblivious." 

"yeah, but he's kinda adorable too." 

"dude, gross" jisung teasing, scrunching his nose. "i really might have to find a new favourite hyung if you keep acting like that. maybe winwin hyung, he'd never be this cheesy." 

jaemin grinned, "nah you've told me i'm your favourite, you're stuck with me now."  

"well, may god help me then."

Chapter Text

it's quiet for a while, and donghyuck finds himself tentatively contemplating the idea of himself actually being happy in himself for the first time in a long while.

he's spent the better part of the last few months, maybe even the past year, thinking himself not good enough and he can honestly say he thought it was just going to get worse. 

opening up to jaemin was the best decision donghyuck has ever made. 

it's been a long time since donghyuck set foot in the 127 dorms, and he honestly can't see himself going back. not anytime soon anyway. 

in the months since mark and donghyuck started talking again donghyuck NJ has seemed to have even more difficulty in being apart from his older members. 

dream have had a comeback in this time, and promotions for ridin went perfectly well, donghyuck enjoying his time with dream more than ever. the issue was the 127 promotions for punch that came right after. 

donghyuck was still unsure where he wanted to stand with most of the members, so he stuck to mark like glue . however, he still had to act like he wasn't not talking to the others.

it was hard and draining to smile and laugh with people he genuinely felt uncomfortable around, and more often than not donghyuck would end the day curled into jaemin's side while the younger stroked his back comfortingly as donghyuck fought back tears. 

more often than not, he'd cry anyway. 

things got better when, halfway through the punch comeback, donghyuck decided (rather boldly) to strike up conversation with jungwoo. 

jungwoo had stared at him for a full four minutes before he'd given him one of his widest smiles and conversed back with the enthusiasm that always seemed to radiate from him. 

it was easier to get back into talking to jungwoo than mark. jungwoo is good with boundaries, he never comes too close, and can be soft spoken enough that donghyuck feels more comfortable allowing him near him.  

he's proud of himself. 

and as he should be, jaemin keeps reminding him, even when punch promotions are long over and  sm are preparing to get them ready to start a project with all of the members. 

"you're doing so well," jaemin practically purrs for the five hundredth time since donghyuck had started speaking to jungwoo again.

they're in bed, as usual, the dream dorm having been rearranged so jisung no longer rooms with jaemin. the extra alone time is a blessing that neither of the two acknowledge out loud. 

right now, donghyuck is tucked into jaemin's side as jaemin traces patterns into the older's back softly. 

donghyuck lets out a low whine at the praise from jaemin, still not quite used to it, and also not quite sure if he actually is , in fact, doing well. "i just talk to him every other day." donghyuck dismisses, "it's nothing special…" 

"but it is," jaemin insists, "anytime you even smile at one of them , i'm so proud of you. everytime you let someone get close to you. even letting me cuddle you like this, i'm so proud."

"i just feel like i can do more." 

"you can ." jaemin agrees, "and you will . but only when you're sure and ready. do you feel ready, baby?" 

donghyuck tucks his head into jaemin's shoulder before shaking it negatively. 

"i'm sorry, baby, is that a yes or a no, i can't hear you?" jaemin teases, pinching donghyuck's reddening cheeks. 

donghyuck rests his chin on jaemin's shoulder with a pout, "i'm not ready," he admits. 

"and that's okay," jaemins surveys donghyuck's face for a moment before gently pecking his nose and grinning when he pulls back. he's been getting bolder with donghyuck recently, and the older hasn't flinched away from him yet, so he takes it as a good sign. 

and most likely it is, if the soft smile on donghyuck's face is any clue. 

"have you thought about what you're going to do with this new project?" jaemin asks softly. 

donghyuck grimaces, "not really, no." he says, "i'm hoping i'll just be able to stick to dream, or even wayv…" 

"speaking of wayv…" jaemin trails off, not knowing how to word what he wants to ask. 

donghyuck stares at him questioningly, eyes wide, jaemin feels he could probably get lost in them as he stares back for a long few moments. "jaem…?" donghyuck questions softly when he realises jaemin's lost his train of thought. 

jaemin clears his throat, looks away, quietly brings up the question on his mind, "baby… what are you going to, you know, tell them?"

donghyuck sighs, "i don't know… i think a part of me wants to just hope they don't ask." 

jaemin snorts, "hyuckie, even if the new guys don't ask, ten, kun and especially winwin and lucas are going to have questions if you aren't anywhere near the 127 squad." he mimics donghyuck's line in kick it at the end, earning a light punch from the boy himself. 

donghyuck revels in jaemin's soft giggles at his own joke with a smile as he contemplates what to do. 

a few minutes pass, long enough for jaemin's laughter to settle, the taller boy now softly pressing donghyuck further into his side in an overwhelmingly calming hug. 

donghyuck finally voices his thoughts into the calm air. "maybe we should go see them. wayv, i mean. specifically, the ones that will have questions." he runs his hand through his hair, a nervous habit he's picked up as of late. "i feel bad, they should know. we have to pretend they're not part of us but, it feels wrong to have not told them. especially winwin. he's a part of us, you know? of 127." 

jaemin goes back to letting his hand run up and down donghyuck's spine softly. "i know, baby, i know." he soothes. he allows donghyuck to cuddle in closer, sensing the boy will cry if he lets the subject continue. "hey, did i ever tell you i had a huge crush on dejun hyung when i first saw him?" jaemin says quickly. 

his plan works, donghyuck is letting out loud peels of laughter, the tears that were threatening to fall long gone as he grins up at the blue haired boy. "you did ." 

"was absolutely smitten," jaemin chuckles, "i think he knew too, was really awkward around me for a while whenever we bumped into each other." 

donghyuck laughs again, "you and dejun?" he looks right into jaemin's eyes and tilts his head, watching him for a few seconds before scrunching his nose, shaking his head. "nah! i don't see it." 

"well," jaemin chuckles, "i don't like him now , i just thought he was pretty, you know, at the time." 

donghyuck just starts laughing at him again and the subject of wayv is long forgotten in exchange for teasing jaemin and discussing whos the best looking other idols (jaemin swears hyunjin from stray kids is beautiful, but donghyuck argues that he is more interested in a type like soobin from txt). 

the subject is brought up again, but not by either jaemin or donghyuck. instead it's the unlikely jungwoo who brings it up when he and mark come over for lunch one day, on one of mark's only free days before his superm promotions start. they're all sitting in the living room, no room for all of them at the table, food in their laps and conversation buzzing.

"i'm still close with yukhei, we've always been good friends" jungwoo says when renjun mentions wayv being added to their promotions, "and i don't want to pressure you into anything donghyuck, but i think he's definitely going to notice the difference in you."  

"you think?" donghyuck asks softly through the mouthful of food in his mouth. 

jungwoo nods, "he seems like a fool, but the guy is really observant. kun even moreso."

"and we all know winwin will know as soon as he sees you with everyone." renjun adds on.

donghyuck sighs, hand running through his hair again. "i need to talk to them, i don't want them to walk into this unprepared." 

"we'll all be with you, donghyuck," mark encourages, "whatever you need, even if you just want us to be literally present when you tell them. heck, i'll even tell them myself. i'm gonna have to explain to the hyungs in superm why i'm not talking to taeyong anyway." 

"you're not talking to taeyong?" donghyuck asks. 

mark shrugs, "he's been super whiny about you still not moving back in, we had an argument about pressuring you before you're ready." 

there's a silence that, although actually very fleeting, felt like it stretched for years.

"h-he wants me back?" donghyuck speaks into the tense atmosphere and every single heart in the room breaks at how incredibly small donghyuck sounds. 

"oh hyuckie," jungwoo coos, "oh of course he wants you back. we all miss you like crazy." jungwoo pauses to grip mark's hand when he senses mark wants to get up and go to donghyuck. jungwoo notes that they need to keep their distance in that moment. "but that doesn't mean you should do anything you're not ready for hyuckie, please don't push yourself, you might make yourself feel worse, okay?" 

"we're all so proud of you, baby," jaemin soothes, ignoring the surprise that he can see flicker across jungwoo's face in the corner of his eye. "we're so proud that you're doing this at your pace most of all." 

renjun hums in agreement as jeno says, "and it's important you go at your pace. not anyone else's, okay, hyuck?" 

donghyuck lets out a shaky breath and nods his head softly. 

it's silently decided among them that they need to let wayv in on the situation sooner rather than later, so that they don't make him more nervous. 

-- 

their opportunity comes a week later. superm promotions start in a week and mark and yukhei decide they want to have a big chill together before they get swept into promotions for superm, before getting flung straight into their most ambiguous project since debut.

mark realises it's probably the last time he and yukhei will have free time for most likely the rest of the year so he mentions turning it into a dream and wayv chill out. 

yukhei gives him a weird look at the exclusion of 127 but otherwise does not question it and the date is set.

mark kind of feels bad for not explaining anything further than "donghyuck really wanted to see you before promotions."

the knowledge of that fact, of course, doesn't help ease donghyuck's nerves as they arrive at chenle's house for the 'big chill' as Yukhei and mark have been calling it. 

"stay calm, love," jaemin murmurs into donghyuck's ear, causing a bright red blush at the term of endearment. "i'm here, and so is everyone else. you can tell them." 

donghyuck nods and not a moment later they're being let into chenle's house with fond greetings. 

they're the last to arrive (it took jaemin a while to convince donghyuck not to avoid coming completely) and everyone else seems to be completely wrapped up in some kind of kdrama on the tv that donghyuck hasn't yet watched. 

winwin smiles when he sees donghyuck, giving him a wave. when all he receives back is a nervous nod of the head and an even more nervous smile, the older frowns but doesn't say anything. 

jaemin catches his eye and tries to convey that everything is okay telepathically through a sympathetic smile, but he thinks he just succeeds in confusing the other boy. 

probably because his smile looks more like a nervous grimace.

the group continues to watch the kdrama for a while. 

jaemin watches donghyuck. 

winwin watches them both. 

then, winwin clears his throat. 

he captures the attention of the whole room, heads snapping in his direction. a dramatic scene between a girl and her mother continues to play on the tv as winwin finally gets donghyuck to look into his eye. 

"donghyuck, what's going on?" 

donghyuck startles and jaemin grips his arm in assurance. the reaction only prompts winwin's frown to deepen and means that ten, kun and lucas all begin to stare at him too. 

"maybe don't stare at him," jaemin warns sharply, "it's clearly making him uncomfortable." 

winwin just looks downright confused now, "since when are you his guard dog?" 

"since now." jaemin responds and it amazes even those who dont know jaemin well how cold he sounds. 

donghyuck brushes his own hand on top of the hand gripping his arm. "minnie…" he says softly, prompting jaemin to look at him. 

"what are they doing?" whispers yangyang in chinese as the others watch. 

renjun lets out a low chuckle. "they're having a silent conversation, you get used to this." he answers in his native tongue. 

winwin stands and slowly approaches donghyuck. when he gets close enough he crouches down so he can look up at the younger with soft eyes.

donghyuck stops looking at jaemin and stares back. the long forgotten kdrama still carries on in the background, but everyones more worried now about the boy in question to even know what's happening anymore.

"donghyuck, please tell me what's wrong, i want to help."

and donghyuck tells his story once more. he leaves out some of the less important details this time leaving the important parts in. 

it takes jeno, xiaojun and hendery to hold back yukhei when donghyuck starts to talk about how johnny had been treating him. the boy had looked about ready to kill the man. 

winwin cautiously places his hand over donghyuck's with a small smile as he finishes. donghyuck smiles back, takes the older boy's hand in his and thanks him for understanding.

kun offers his help whenever donghyuck needs it. says he'll be there for him with open arms. ten agrees, says he'll shout at anyone donghyuck wants him to as well, anytime. donghyuck grins at that, gives kun and ten both a small hug each, all that he is giving himself. 

yukhei, picking up on the aversion to touch, smarter than most give him credit for, asks donghyuck if he can hug him in the smallest voice. 

donghyuck can't help but nod and he ends up being pulled into a huge cuddle. jaemin ends up surrendering his space and moving to cuddle into jisung and chenle as donghyuck spends the rest of the night squished between lucas and, quite surprisingly, yangyang he seemed to be determined to help his same age friend.

the night continues like that. much lighter than before now that the weight is lifted from donghyuck's tired shoulders. 

chenle offers for everyone to stay but they end up leaving at ten o'clock at night, six hours after they'd arrived. 

--

mark decides to stay at the dream dorms that night. he calls yuta to let him know and the older seems agitated at the idea. mark doesn't think much of it, yuta's been jealous recently. 

he doesn't understand why the second person donghyuck spoke to was jungwoo. 

mark thinks it makes perfect sense, but whatever. 

mark begins to set himself up a space to sleep on the sofa. the dream dorm is full tonight, and he doesn't feel like sleeping in with jeno tonight, like he usually does. (the younger snores and it drives mark crazy). 

he's just laying out his blanket when he hears it. 

"why don't you just sleep in with me?" 

mark looks up in shock and, yes, that's donghyuck standing in the doorway to jaemin's room. and, yes, that's jaemin seemingly going to sleep in jisung and  renjun's room. 

"i- what?"

donghyuck laughs, scratches the back of his neck awkwardly, "come on, man, we've slept in the same bed before."

mark nods, "yeah yeah i know, i mean… hyuck are you sure? like, really?" 

donghyuck sighs and moves out of the doorway, towards mark, "don't make it too much of a big deal…" 

"but it is a big deal!" mark insists, "i don't want to hurt you, hyuck, you need…" he sighs as donghyuck finally comes to a stop just in front of mark. "you need to be really sure, okay?" mark insists, "i just- i wanna protect you, even if that means keeping my distance from you. i really do mean that and i- oh." 

mark is cut off when donghyuck throws his arms around him and pulls him into a tight hug. the younger buries his head into mark’s neck and inhales softly, taking in the warmth of the embrace.

mark lets his head drop onto donghyuck, arms securing themselves around his midsection. he squeezes his eyes to stop the tears that threaten to fall as he hugs his best friend for the first time in almost 6 months.

"you talk too much, mark hyung," donghyuck whispers. he pulls back and grins, wiping away a few tears that mark hadn't been able stop leaking from his eyes. "seriously hyung, don't cry." 

"i just missed you." mark admits, avoiding donghyuck's eyes.

donghyuck chuckles, "missed me? i've been right here the whole time." 

mark rolls his eyes, "you know what i mean!" 

donghyuck begins to tease mark and insist that he certainly did not know what the older means, when he's cut off with the sound of a loud bang. 

the door to the dream dorm swings open, the lock apparently breaking in the process. 

donghyuck and mark spring apart, both spinning to the doorway in time to see yuta storm in. 

"yuta? what-"

yuta glares at mark, effectively shutting the timid younger boy up. 

"donghyuck, i'm here to fetch you." 

donghyuck raises his eyebrows, "fetch me? do the managers need me? at this time?" 

"no." yuta growls, "i'm here to take you home ." 

"i am home." donghyuck argues.

"dont be stupid, donghyuck," yuta spits, hand reaching out to grab the younger boy. 

his hand never reaches because mark grabs yuta first. "don't touch him. he's not going anywhere he doesn't want to go." 

yuta huffs, "stay out of this, mark. what are you, his pet?" yuta shoves mark, who tries to stand his ground over the stronger boy.

donghyuck is frenzied, his widened eyes switching between the two in horror, "y-you can't just s-say that, y-yuta!" he stutters out, and the fear in his voice seems to shock mark enough to give yuta an edge. 

the older wraps his fingers tightly around donghyuck's wrist and tries to yank the opposing boy away. "come on, hyuck," he says, semi-softly, "i just want to show you that we've all changed." 

"D-DON'T," donghyuck stammers trying hard to release himself from yuta's grip. his voice is high-pitched, dripping with panic. so much so that even yuta falters in his attempt to pull donghyuck away. instead his hand simply continues to grip at donghyuck's wrist, even as the younger attempts to yank it out of his hold. "p-please," donghyuck pleads, as tears start to pour out of his eyes, "please stop t-touching me." 

everything happens quickly after that. guard dog jaemin springs into action after hearing donghyuck scream. he uses all of his strength to prize yuta's fingers away from hyuck. "get out ." he spits, with more menace than anyone was sure he could muster, even after his previous encounter with the hyungs. 

jeno takes it upon himself to roughly escort a shocked yuta out as jaemin, renjun and mark turn to donghyuck's shaking form. 

"hyuckie, baby…" jaemin reaches to touch donghyuck's face only to be stopped by a simple plea between donghyuck's heart wrenching sobs.

"please don't touch me."

Chapter Text

"jaemin calm down !" warns taeyong over the various surprised shouts as jaemin invites himself into the 127 dorms. he shoves taeil, who had answered the door, out of the way as he rips through the apartment in search of his target. 

he feels like he can't breathe, his anger consumes his whole body and he feels like he can't do anything else but find yuta behind him he can hear yukhei moving like a protective wall behind him. 

as soon as the older had heard what happened he offered to go with jaemin to the 127 dorms to talk to yuta. jeno had come too, distantly jaemin could hear his voice, most likely explaining what yuta had done to the other members.

it feels like yuta suddenly manifests in front of him. eyes wide and cheeks wet from crying and a face full of regret. 

" you ." jaemin sneers at him, voice shaking as he takes in the sorry appearance of the older. "fuck you!" 

"nana, calm down a bit," yukhei warns in his ear. "we're here to talk, not yell."

but jaemin doesn't want to calm down. yuta had ruined everything. he'd built donghyuck up from feeling like he was nothing. jaemin was finally getting to a point where he felt the other was finally loving himself as much as jaemin loved him. 

and yuta had destroyed all that progress in a matter of seconds.

"it's all your fault!" jaemin accuses and the power in his voice actually makes yuta flinch. 

"i'm so sorry," yuta stammers out, regret evident in his voice as he seems to beg jaemin to forgive him.

but jaemin doesn't think yuta deserves it.

that's why he doesn't feel even a single ounce of regret when he pulls his arm back and punches yuta square in the nose. 

" jaemin ." he recognises jaehyun's voice, feels both of his wrists being held by an albeit reluctant lucas (he kinda wants to punch yuta too) as he tries to wrench himself out of his grasp for a second punch. 

he kicks his legs wildly to try and gain traction to get himself free, but jaehyun's face is suddenly there and all he can focus on. "jaemin please." jaehyun begs, suddenly the voice of reason, "please nana, calm down." 

jaemin freezes as he hears his favourite hyung say his nickname. it sounds so desperate, a plea as a last resort because nothing else is working. he takes a few staggered breaths as he takes in the silence around him, nobody is talking, nothing can be heard except an occasional hiss of pain from yuta. 

jaemin focuses on jaehyun's face. the boy is looking at him with complete trust, so calmly even in the face of a boy who jaemin is pretty sure just broke yuta's nose. 

he feels his face begin to wet as he lets the tears he's been holding in since last night fall freely down his face. " he won't let me touch him. " he sobs, and jaehyun catches him when his knees fail on him as the magnitude of the situation catches up on him. 

he sobs . let's himself be pulled into jaehyun's chest in a tight hug as he lets out heart wrenching cries. he can hear sniffles, he's sure the rest of them are crying too. he keeps talking, not able to stop himself now he's started. 

"i tried so hard to make him feel better." he stutters out a deep, shaky breath, "and that's all ruined. he's shut up in my room, he's not talking and nobody can touch him ." his breathing is erratic now and he hiccups as he struggles to regulate it. "not even me ." 

jaehyun sighs in understanding, hugging the younger tighter in an attempt to calm him down. "it's okay, nana, it's okay." 

"no it's not!" jaemin shouts, pulling away from his chest to blindly look for yuta. he lands a soft, pathetic punch to jaehyun's chest as he tries to break out of his hold. he's exhausted though, mentally and physically, hasn't slept a wink all night. 

jaehyun lets jaemin continue to punch him as he shouts frustrated obscenities towards yuta, who sits on the floor a little way away clutching his bleeding nose. nobody has yet moved to help him, and yuta understands. he did this to himself, he thinks. 

jaemin suddenly gives up his punches and just lets himself collapse into jaehyun, sobs still echoing through the room. "it's not okay, it's not ." 

yukhei has been pulled back away from the pair by jungwoo, who now has his arms wrapped around his younger friend who was trying hard to hide the fact he is crying. 

jeno's crying too, doyoung taking it upon himself to wipe away the tears as he holds jeno back from approaching his best friend.

the older members weren't sure how to help. jaemin had always been quiet, never really been vocal around them at all and this was a little too much for them to take. 

jaehyun looks helplessly to his elders for help as he lets the younger soak his pyjama shirt. he rubs his back softly with one hand, while the other strokes through his hair.

"i hate you," jaemin speaks softly into the room. "i hate you all so much."

"i know," jaehyun says brokenly, catching doyoung's eye as the older watches the scene unfold from where he grips jeno's arms.

the whole room's energy feels wrong. even worse than it has felt since donghyuck moved out. 

it feels cold. 

and at this point, nobody is sure how to fix it.

--

"hyuckie please," renjun begs from outside jaemin's bedroom door. 

he, yangyang and mark are sitting on the floor, taking it in turns to try and convince donghyuck to come out of the room. 

he has yet to speak though, and they were slowly beginning to lose hope. 

"has it been like this the whole time?" yangyang asks quietly so donghyuck can't hear.

renjun shakes his head, "even when he first told us about it he was okay with us being near him, it was just 127 he struggled with." 

yangyang hums, "so his progress has regressed back further than it was before." 

"that sounds smart." mark says distractedly

"i am smart." 

renjun snorts, "yeah okay." he teases as he moves his head, he catches sight of movement around the corner of the hallway. he sighs. "jisung, you don't have to hide, come here." 

jisung peeks around the corner timidly, "yeah?" he asks and the three boys all motion for him to come over. he relaxes, only slightly, as he moves to sit at mark's side. he flings his legs over the older's lap and mark pats his leg soothingly. "still nothing?" he asks as he fiddles with his fingers nervously. 

renjun gives what he hopes is a reassuring smile. "not yet."

"well, kun and dejun have almost finished lunch and hendery and chenle are on their way back too. kun told me to ask if donghyuck wants lunch." the youngest bites his lip as he looks up at renjun through his lashes, worry evident in his wide eyes.

"want me to see if he'll answer?" renjun asks softly and jisung nods. renjun gives another soft smile as mark pats the maknae's leg another time. renjun leans back against the door and knocks softly.

"hyuckie, jisungie is here." renjun says louder now, "he and kun hyung have been making some food…" he waits for a moment, but no sound comes from the door. "donghyuck, do you want some? you haven't eaten all day…" 

the four wait for a few moments.

no sound comes.

"donghyuck, come on," yangyang says, "i know this whole situation sucks but please, at least give us a sign you're alive in there." 

jisung's teeth press into his lips so hard as they wait that he rips into the skin, the tin taste of blood pouring into his mouth. 

then, they hear it. 

a knocking on the door. it sounds featherlight, like donghyuck's just barely allowing his knuckles to touch the wood. 

"that's it hyuck," renjun encourages, "see, it's just us. we love you. please, you can talk to us." 

"you don't have to come out," mark assures lightly, "we can leave the food outside the door to take and you can eat it in there. we just want you to eat." 

"yes." 

"yes?" 

"yes." 

four collective sighs of relief fall from their mouths and jisung finally lets himself smile, scurrying off to tell kun to make donghyuck a helping of lunch.

"he doing okay?" kun asks with an easy smile as he begins to serve up their food. 

jisung leans against the counter next to dejun and shrugs. "they finally got him to say something, i guess." 

dejun sighed, "he'll come around, he just needs space." 

"hopefully when jaemin comes home we'll get him to come out of his room." kun says with furrowed brows. "i'm worried about him. and it's concerning that none of the managers seem to care." 

"renjun requested they leave us to it, so long as we dont mess up schedules and stuff." 

"is that smart?" 

jisung shrugs, "probably not, but i don't think donghyuck would like the alternative." 

kun sighs and turns to stare into jisung's face. "okay but you tell me if you think he needs anything . the others, they won't say anything but if you need help you call me or you call ten, okay?"

jisung nods, "sure kun, you can trust me. as soon as anything goes wrong. that's what i did last night, right?" 

kun smiles, "yeah, im proud of you for that. and trust me, if ten and winwin didn't have schedules they would've been here." 

"i know." jisung smiles, "i trust you guys. and it's been hard for us, dealing with it. whenever we have a problem we've always gone to taeyong hyung… but…" 

"this time taeyong is the problem." kun finishes. "i know. i gotta say i'm kinda pissed at him, he should've been aware this was going on." 

"it's not entirely his fault," dejun reasons, "he has to look after like 13 other people plus himself and he has the craziest schedule out of all of us." 

jisung nodded, "yeah, i don't blame him. i did at first though, i even tried to go and beat up johnny hyung but jeno wouldn't let me." 

something about the way jisung says it is so childlike, despite the boy being almost an adult, that it makes kun laugh. a full belly busting laugh that makes jisung laugh too. for the first time all day.

-- 

taeyong sighs when he hears the knock on the door of the 127 dorm. 

he knows who it is, sent the text to him himself, but he can't help but be anxious. he shares a look with johnny, who simply grimaces back, clearly thinking the same thing

ten is going to fucking kill them.

taeyong opens the door only the smallest amount before ten is barging in. 

deja vu, taeyong thinks.

jaemin did that two hours ago.

"is jaemin okay?" he asks as he walks in, winwin trailing behind him.

taeyong thanks the heavens that he seems calm. "jaemin is fine."

"really?" ten reaffirms, "you text me telling me jaemin has 'had a breakdown' making us beg to end our schedule earlier so we can come over here and he's fine ."

"okay he's not fine in that sense," taeyong agrees, "but he's asleep." 

"asleep?" 

"yeah, jaehyunnie's got him in his room. after everything, it doesn't look like he slept last night." 

winwin raises a brow but says nothing, furious at his old leader. he walks around the elder, in the direction of jaehyun's room, to see for himself how jaemin is doing. 

with winwin out of the way, ten looks between johnny and taeyong before checking if anyone else is there. "where…"

taeyong answers before he can even answer the same question. "jungwoo and lucas are with jaehyun and jaemin, keeping an eye on him. jeno got upset when jaemin started  crying so doyoung took him for a walk and the others all had meetings or schedules today." 

ten nodded, "good, then i can do this." he shoved at taeyong roughly so the other was forced to sit next to johnny, "i am so disappointed. in both of you." 

"we know ten, we're sorry." johnny says, avoiding the other's eyes, suddenly finding the edges of his sleeves far more interesting. 

ten shakes his head, "i dont think a single sorry is good enough here. this whole situation has gone to shit. donghyuck told us lot about it yesterday and already we have another one of you pulling some bullshit, donghyuck locked in jaemin's room, jaemin punching someone and collapsing after a breakdown . renjun and jeno are barely holding it together and jisung is so worried he's making frantic phone calls to kun and i at 2 o'clock in the morning because 'everything is wrong hyung and i don't like where this is going'."

"we know." taeyong admits, ten almost regrets speaking so frankly when he realises there are tears forming in his eyes. "we know it's fucked, but the kids aren't talking to us, and the only thing we know - especially after last night - is that Donghyuck needs his space from us. we don't know how to fix this, ten." 

"it's been going on for so long, i-" johnny's voice cracks and he sniffs loudly to stop the tears, "i'm worried we may never go back to how we are." 

ten softens, crouches down so he's eye level with the two on the couch. "i know. i know what you mean but it won't be like this forever. this is hyuckie you're talking about. he loves you all so much. this will be fine… eventually. it just may take longer than you want."

"it's hard to be patient, when we miss him so much." 

"it's your own fault for pushing him away." 

johnny pales, "don't remind us." 

"biggest mistakes of our lives." taeyong agrees. 

comfortable silence lapses between them, ten lets himself fall onto the couch. "kun's pissed you didn't let him know this was going on by the way." 

taeyong sighed, "yeah, i should probably call him…"

distantly, they hear the sound of jaehyun's bedroom door opening. 

they hear footsteps before they see lucas jungwoo and winwin round the corner.

"he's awake." jungwoo announces. "those two are having a moment so we left them to it." 

--

"nana…" 

jaemin shakes his head. 

this is a slightly difficult motion, considering his head is currently buried in jaehyun's solid chest.  his hand clutches at jaehyun's shirt and despite only waking up less than five minutes ago, he's already crying again. 

"nana, please don't cry." jaehyun says softly, "come on, listen to hyung." 

jaemin sighs, breath trembling as it's released from his lips. "i don't want to like you." jaemin whispers. 

jaehyun feels his own tears welling up as he replies, "i know…" 

"i want to hate you. even if you didn't do anything to hyuckie, which you probably did. you didn't notice he was hurting, you didn't try to help." 

"trust me, nana, my biggest regret is not realising he needed help sooner." 

"i want to hate you." jaemin says, instead of acknowledging the older's word. "i want to hate you and never talk to you again."

"i would understand if you did." 

jaemin lifts his head with a pained whine and looks at jaehyun. the older is taking aback by how strikingly heartbroken the younger looks. jaemin, third youngest in nct for the longest time, is someone jaehyun will always consider a baby. ( his baby, taeyong teases him, sometimes. they don't really show their relationship to fans but jaemin, despite never really having schedules together, is the most like a little brother to jaehyun.) 

but now, the jaemin in front of him looks mature. the raw emotion in his eyes, the grimaced smile and hollow cheeks. he no longer looks like jaehyun's baby, and jaehyun supposes it's time he accepts that not only jaemin, but the other younger members, aren't kids anymore. 

jaemin doesn't say anything for a few minutes, just surveys jaehyun's face, as though checking if the older was lying to him. 

then he speaks. 

"i say i want to hate you, and it's true, i do want to. but i can't." he sighs, wiping at his eyes tiredly with one hand while the other continues to grip jaehyun's shirt. "because i love you. i love you and taeyong and taeil and all the other hyungs too. and that's why it hurts more that you've done this. when donghyuck first told me about all this, i wanted so badly not to believe it, wanted to be able to say no, that's not possible, my hyungs would never . but i've never seen hyuckie so broken, and i knew it had to be true." 

jaehyun tries to give jaemin a reassuring smile but the younger doesn't even seem to be looking at him, instead just sort of staring in his direction, eyes glazed over as he talks.

"and i wanted so badly to hate you for making me see hyuck like that." jaemin continues, "you know how i feel about him, it was pure torture to see him like that. and my heart just kept breaking. every time he cried himself to sleep in my arms for the first month. every time he'd accidentally say one of your names instead of ours and get so much sadder. my heart broke over and over again for him and i tried so fucking hard to keep his heart together. because i love him so much, hyung, it hurts." 

"i know, baby," jaehyun soothes, pulling jaemin back into his chest as he starts to cry again. he takes it as a good sign that he's not trying to pull away. 

"and that's why i can't hate you." jaemin sobs, "because even after all this, hyuckies big heart still loves you all, and i know it, and i know he'd be so upset if he knew how i was feeling."

jaehyun lets the words sink in. he doesn't reply, doesn't even think jaemin has the capability to listen if he did reply. he just, simply, holds jaemin in place, letting the other boy cry. 

"i don't think he loves me the way i love him," jaemin whispers, and before jaehyun can protest, he explains, "he loves me, sure, but i think it's the same way he views renjun or jeno. i'm nothing special, i don't think he's ever viewed me that way either. and it's selfish, but i've been revelling in the attention he's given me these past few months. that's bad of me isn't it?" 

"of course not, nana." 

"oh but it is. donghyuck is in the worst place he's ever been in, and i've been happy that he's giving me cuddles over anyone else, it's pathetic. but for god's sake i'll take it hyung. i love him so much, if this is what he needs from me, even if it means something completely different to him, then i'm going to do it." 

"jaemin…"

"i'm sorry for being mad at you, hyung," jaemin says quietly, "i've missed you." 

"i missed you too." jaehyun replies, "and don't be sorry, you had a right to be upset." 

"can i at least be sorry for hitting you?" 

jaehyun smirks down at jaemin and teases, "please, that was like being hit by a toddler, you didn't even hit hurt enough for me to feel you." 

jaemin lets his mouth hang open as he raises his arm jokingly, "maybe i'll hit you again then, see if i can give you and yuta matching bruises."

jaehyun laughs as he pretends to restrain jaemin, the younger still trying to hit him with weak punches as he giggles away.

-- 

it's late, when ten finally gets jaemin, jeno, lucas and winwin back to the dream dorm. 

it's late enough that kun and yangyang are already fast asleep on either end of the cough, dejun curled up in an armchair and hendery and chenle tangled together on the floor. light snores echo through the room as they all step in. 

jeno smiles apologetically and offers his bed, saying he's going to sleep in with renjun. winwin accepts and follows soon after, pulling a sleepy lucas with him. the younger starts superm promotions the very next day, so winwin decides it's probably best he sleeps in a real bed. 

ten gives jaemin a tight hug, pressing a little kiss to his forehead before he squeezes himself between kun and yangyang to settle down. 

jaemin watches as he falls asleep almost instantaneously. 

and then it's just jaemin. 

and jaemin, well, he doesn't really know what he's supposed to do. 

his hands run through his fading blue hair as he tries to decide if going to his room is a good idea. 

he walks to the door and back again several times as he makes up his mind. at one point, he even has his hand on the doorknob ready to try and open it, but he chickens out and retreats all the way to the kitchen. 

he considers going to sleep in with jisung, but realises that mark isn't in the living room with their other guests so he must be in there with him.

he tries to will himself not to cry over such a stupidly easier decision as he goes to the fridge to pull out a bottle of water. 

he takes large gulps of the liquid, slowly. he tries not to acknowledge the fact he's clearly stalling going back to his room. 

"jaemin?" 

the familiar voice makes him jump, spilling water all down the front of his shirt. "ah fuck," he curses, wiping at it helplessly as he hears a strained chuckle.

he turns to meet donghyuck's red rimmed eyes as the older opens his mouth again. "hi." 

"hi..."

"i didn't mean to make you jump." 

"no worries." 

the air is awkward between them as it becomes clear that jaemin is internally freaking out. he doesn't know how to act. can he go to donghyuck? should he leave him space? he doesn't know. 

donghyuck sighs. "are you coming to bed?" 

oh okay. 

"you… want me to." 

donghyuck nods. 

"you really do?" 

"i really do," donghyuck confirms, stepping closer to jaemin. "i was just… shocked earlier." 

"oh." 

"yeah, oh." donghyuck says with an airy laugh, "i spoke with renjun after lunch. he helped me work through some of the fear." 

"that's… good." 

"i'm still scared to… touch." donghyuck notes. 

jaemin nods, "i understand." 

"with everyone else, anyway," donghyuck adds with a smile. "i think i can handle something small… if it's you." 

"me?" jaemin smiles. 

"yeah, you." donghyuck confirms. "i trust you with my life, you know." 

"i'll have to keep that in mind," jaemin jokes. "can i please hold you hand?" he holds out his hand to donghyuck, palm facing up. 

donghyuck stares at it for a moment too long, and just as jaemin is beginning to think he may have moved too fast, donghyuck reaches out slowly and grabs it, intertwining their fingers. 

jaemin smiles and donghyuck allows himself a small smile in return. 

they turn and head to jaemin's room without another word. 

it's not until they're tucked up in bed, a generous space between them with their hands intertwined that jaemin finally says one more thing. 

"oh, by the way, i think i broke yuta hyung's nose." 

the snort of surprise donghyuck lets out is 1000% worth it for jaemin.

Chapter Text

to say things went back to their new normal after the yuta incident would be a lie. 

donghyuck is in a strange purgatory between wanting to give and receive affection and having an aversion to touch in general. more often than not, he lets jaemin, jeno, renjun and even yangyang close. jisung and chenle, he keeps distance from but can still bring himself to approach. he would probably be fine with mark, ten and lucas too , if they weren't so busy with superm.

(mark had told him on the phone that explaining why he and lucas weren't talking to taeyong was a mess, and taeyong even got himself scolded by baekhyun and taemin. it made donghyuck smile when mark told him the older boys sent their love.)

now that 127 promotions were over until after the nct2020 project, donghyuck felt he could relax without worrying about encountering the people he felt wildly uncomfortable around. he's lucky, he supposes, that from home has no choreo. it means he doesn't necessarily have to spend time around the people in the unit he's avoiding. 

he sticks himself to renjun, chenle and kun like glue, expressly avoiding finding himself in a studio alone with taeil doyoung and, especially, yuta. it makes his stomach turn if he thinks too much about the difference between his relationship with them now and last year. 

regardless, jaemin insists he should be proud of himself for adjusting to the situation well. makes sure donghyuck knows how proud jaemin is that he introduced himself to sungchan and shotaro well, like nothing ever happened. sungchan had even taken a liking to donghyuck, naming him his favourite hyung in front of all the others. 

but, donghyuck still had a long way to go, and after the aptly dubbed "yuta incident", even jaemin is skeptical when he wants to take a step closer to his old normality. 

"it's just very quick after the incident." jaemin reasons when they talk about it over breakfast one morning they have free time before an afternoon of schedules, "i don't want to have to punch another hyung that oversteps his boundaries." 

"that's why i'm going to start small." donghyuck says with a chuckle, "anyway, you can't, the manager hyungs said if you punch anyone else you'll get a social media ban."

jaemin grins, leans across the table to get closer to donghyuck's face. "it'll be worth it, for you." 

“cheesy.”  donghyuck laughs, pushes jaemin away lightly, not really making him move at all. jaemin laughs too, deep and sincere, making donghyuck’s stomach twist. jaemin pulls back himself, leaning back in his chair. with a deep sigh. 

“so, jaehyun and doyoung?” 

donghyuck nods, “they helped you and jeno. i think that means they’ve more than proved themselves in my eyes.” he smiles, a small turn in the corners of his lips as his eyes shake lightly, “plus, you both mentioned you miss them.” 

“hyuckie,” jaemin sighs, “i really hope you’re not, you know, just doing this for me…” 

“it’s for me!” donghyuck insists, shaking his head rapidly. “i’ve been saying i miss them all since day one. and i love them both so much.”

jaemin pauses, thinks it over. he doesn’t mean to come across as over protective, he feels a bit like a mother hen the way he’s hovering over donghyuck, but he really can’t help it. he keeps thinking back to the way donghyuck was shivering after yuta grabbed his wrist. the way he sobbed. the broken way he begged jaemin not to touch him.

“it’s just lunch, jaemin,” donghyuck reasons, “just one lunch and if i don’t like it we don’t do it again.”

“you know, logically speaking,” jaemin notes, “i would have thought the next two you would’ve met with would’ve been taeyong and taeil.” 

donghyuck smiles sadly, “i guess, with them being the two responsible for the rest of the group, i expected more from them… i think i’m more disappointed in them than the others.” 

“holding a grudge then?” jaemin teases with an easy grin, making donghyuck roll his eyes, “i’m kidding! ...kind of.” 

“whatever,” donghyuck chuckles, “look i just think the timing is right, and you have promotions with both of them soon, i’ve seen how awkward it is for you right now.” 

“again,” jaemin scolds, “don’t do this for me , do this for yourself .”

“making you happy will be more than enough for me.” 

jaemin gapes, staring at donghyuck in disbelief for a few moments. “i- donghyuck! you can’t just say stuff like that.” 

“you do it all the time!”

“y-yeah but- i mean… that’s not the point .” 

“aw, did my words get you all flustered, jaemin?” donghyuck teases, making jaemin blush a deep red.

of course, this is the moment renjun decided that he too needed breakfast. he eyes the two at the table for a moment, neither of them even noticing he had walked in, before sighing. he rolls his eyes, throwing his head back in a disappointed groan as he just walks past them to the kitchen area as fast as he can. 

(“oh renjun, when did you come out of your room?” donghyuck asks ten minutes later when renjun joins them at the table. renjun lets out another groan.)

--

jaehyun and doyoung are only allowed to come to lunch with donghyuck, jaemin and jeno after jaemin has a long, long chat with them in a break between make a wish practices. 

"jaemin." jaehyun says after jaemin insists he won't hesitate to punch them if he thinks donghyuck is scared. "you've got to chill, man. honestly, we're just grateful you're actually gonna let us see him." 

doyoung nods in agreement, "we promise, we won't even go near him if he doesn't want us to, we just… we just want to see him. make sure he really is okay." 

"he is okay," jaemin says moodily, "no thanks to you guys." 

"don't get upset, nana, doyoung didn't mean it like that and you know it." jaehyun raises his eyebrows at the younger, who groans. 

"i know, i know," jaemin says, "it's just… been a ride." 

"we get it." doyoung smiles encouragingly, "but if we want to get past this situation we need to learn to trust each other again, that's the only way donghyuck will feel comfortable again." 

"so, lunch then, after practice?" jaemin says, instead of acknowledging doyoung's correct analysis.

"after practice." jaehyun confirms with an easy smile. 

it's only the three of them, dejun and shotaro in practice since yukhei and taeyong are finishing off their superm promotions this week. jaemin feels bad about leaving them out so he calls the two of them, "dejun hyung, shotaro, lunch at the dream dorms?" 

shotaro accepts the offer with a wide smile, dejun hesitantly accepting too after shotaro and jaemin begin to pout at him, unable to handle the amount of cute the two boys were radiating in that moment. 

they get back to work, clearly slightly occupied with worry over their new plans, as the moves become slightly rushed and disjointed. 

the choreographer dismisses them in mid afternoon and jaemin shoots renjun a text to let him know they're on the way. 

jaemin's distracted the whole journey back, the air around him filled with shotaro's laughter as dejun makes him laugh and doyoung complains loudly, jokingly, about it. 

sensing jaemin's tension, jaehyun grabs his hand and squeezes, smiling softly when jaemin glances curiously in his direction. 

"hyungs!" jisung greets, coming forward to offer jaemin a hug as they walk in the door. it appears to be spontaneous, but the way jisung squeezes him tells jaemin the younger was anticipating how worked up jaemin would be about this. jaemin relaxes, grabbing jisungs hand and letting the younger pull him in as he chatters on about his day to doyoung.

donghyuck comes out of the kitchen a moment later, flanked by renjun and jeno, all three of them holding various dishes and side dishes. "jaehyun hyung, doyoung hyung," he greets, voice merely a whisper, "it's good to see you." 

"you too, hyuckie," doyoung says softly, clearly avoiding getting too close to the boy.

jaehyun smiles, comes across easy and cool as he lets himself get settled at the table next to jisung."glad you're doing well." 

it's enough to ease the tension in the room, if only by a little. shotaro immediately wraps up in broken conversation with jeno, dejun equally glad to converse with renjun in their native language. jisung sits between jaehyun and jaemin, trying hard to ease the tension between them. 

jaehyun and doyoung let donghyuck lead the conversation, something for which jaemin is grateful. he talks about his time with the dreamies, his troubles with recording from home and even talks about his hopes for the music video. doyoung easily chats back, their mutual inclusion in the song makes it easier to converse. jaemin just finds himself in awe of how easily donghyuck is talking, after all this time apart from them. if it were jaemin in his shoes, the boy isn't sure he'd be able to speak at all in front of people he hadn't seen in a while.

"and jaehyun?" donghyuck asks, turning to jaehyun when he realises the other hasn't said much. "how is make a wish practice going?"

jaehyun nods, mostly to himself, "good. would be a lot better if jaemin didn't look like he wanted to kill me half the time." 

"hyung." jaemin complains, pouting at the older, "you promised you wouldn't joke about that anymore." 

jaehyun laughs, "i'm sorry but it's funny." he admits, "you act like you're ten years old and i just stole the last cookie in the jar." 

donghyuck laughs, and jaehyun grins because, heck yeah, he did that, "that sounds like jaemin! he's been so overprotective of me, it's unreal." 

jaemin turns his pout on donghyuck, then, "you don't like it?" 

"now i never said i didn't like it." donghyuck rolls his eyes, reaching to grab jaemin's hand under the table. he meets the others eyes. a sparkle of mirth is hidden in there and jaemin finds himself in awe with donghyuck once again. 

honestly, jaemin can be a guard to donghyuck all he wants, but donghyuck knows exactly what he's doing, knows exactly what his own boundaries are. 

it's a realisation jaemin can't believe he's not had before. if anything he should have realised it the very first day donghyuck came to him. 

lee donghyuck is the strongest person he knows. 

and jaemin has been grossly underestimating lee donghyuck. 

jaemin smiles at donghyuck softly before turning back to his food, pulling their joined hands to rest in his lap. he catches doyoung's eye across the table and rolls his eye when the older smirks. 

"i promise i won't glare at you both anymore." jaemin says sincerely, though he at least pretends to be annoyed. "as long as this lunch goes okay…"

donghyuck laughs, "it's going fine! you're literally the only one not having a good time." he's teasing, jaemin knows, the older is stroking his thumb over the back of jaemin's hand as he talks. he's afraid jaemin might take it the wrong way. 

jaemin sighs, "yeah yeah, i get it. everybody's fine." 

"hey, remember when you apologised and said you missed me so much ." 

jaemin glares at jaehyun, "i don't recall saying that at all, i'm definitely not missing you now." 

"of course you're not, you idiot," renjun laughs, "he's right there! you can't miss somebody who's right there." 

"i don't know, jun," jeno chuckles, "jaemin complains that he misses 'his hyuckie' all the time and they're literally inseparable."

doyoung cooed and laughed when jaemin moved his glare over to him. "jaeminnie stop frowning, it's cute." 

"yeah, it is." donghyuck grins at jaemin, and the entire table laughs as jaemin's cheeks flush a deep red. 

--

jaemin huffs as he stares at his closed bedroom door, for the fifteenth time since donghyuck closed behind him. 

"jaem, sweetie," renjun says, half joking. "come sit with hyung, you're going to make your back hurt if you keep standing and leaning like that." 

jaemin huffs again, "stop calling yourself hyung to make me do things," jaemin complains as he falls onto the couch beside renjun. 

"well it works doesn't it?"

"i don't like it, junnie," jaemin ignores renjun's teasing, still consumed with whatever is happening behind the door. 

renjun rolls his eyes, "stop being so clingy and possessive, they're not gonna hurt him." 

"'stop being so clingy and obsessive'" jaemin mimics, "that's easy for you to say! but i used to think johnny and yuta couldn't make him cry and look where that got him!" 

renjun sighs, pulls jaemin into his arms as he pets through his hair to calm him down, "i get it, jaemin, i do. but remember, this is important for donghyuck's healing process. he needs to confront what he's afraid of, in a sense. this is his way of saying 'i'm still me, and i'm moving on'" 

"does he have to say it with the door closed ." jaemin whines, burying his head into renjun necks as he pouts. 

the older rolls his eyes, "you can't listen in on all his conversations, that's not how this works. you can cuddle him after ." 

jaemin groans, "can after be now already? im tired, i want hyuckie cuddles." 

"jeez, you're such a baby." 

--

inside the door, the conversation had taken a much more sombre turn. donghyuck's sat on jaemin's desk chair, jaehyun and doyoung sitting on the bed, a little way away. they stare up at donghyuck with expectant eyes as the younger talks his way through everything.  

"it was… really… demoralising. i think the worst was when i heard you all talking in the kitchen. it made me feel… inadequate. like i was forcing you all to do things you didn't want to do. and i know you're not going to allow me to, but i would really like to apologise if i ever made you uncomfortable with how… clingy and needy i am." 

"hyuckie, no, oh my god." doyoung fought the urge to move forward. "you have never, not once, made me uncomfortable, i am so sorry that i have ever made you feel like i didn't want that affection."

"but-"

"please, let me finish," doyoung begs lightly, close to tears, "i need to get this out." 

donghyuck clamps his mouth shut and nods soberly as jaehyun grips doyoung's hand in comfort.

"i have felt nothing but shame these past few months for the way we acted towards you. we never wanted you to feel like we didn't love you as you are. you're our baby, even if it hasn't felt like it in awhile. i love you, we love you, and i can't speak for everybody but i can say that these past months have made me realise just how happy you made me. we say it a lot on camera, but you really are our mood maker. you make our lives so… bright and happy. i'll forever regret being one of the people who contributed to making yours so sad." 

donghyuck wipes a few stray tears from his cheeks as doyoung lets his own tears freely fall, as if it were a way of showing how sorry he was. "hyung, it's okay." 

"it's not okay, it's-" 

"please, let me finish," donghyuck says, "i can see you really are sorry. so it's okay for you to forgive yourself. what you did was wrong, and it hurt me. but you are mature enough to admit that, and apologise, so i forgive you. so forgive yourself, please. maybe one day we can go back to how we were, be close, hug, maybe even give cheek kisses. for now, let's just be glad that i'm okay, you're okay, and 127 is okay. we'll get through this together, yeah?" 

doyoung nods, takes in how grown up donghyuck looks in that moment and bursts into fresh tears, "you really aren't our baby anymore, huh?" 

donghyuck grins and shakes his head, then turns to jaehyun who had resolved to stay in silence during the exchange. "jaehyun hyung, anything to add?" 

jaehyun gives his usual easy smile and shrugs, "doyoung kinda stole most of what i wanted to say so i don't want to bore you with the repetition." he jokes, making donghyuck let out a watery chuckle, not one to really cry, jaehyun continues, "but i do want to say how incredibly proud i am of you. i don't really ever tend to say much, but i have to tell you the way you've overcome this is astounding. and how far you've come, since that day we found out you moved out, is so inspiring." 

"hyung i-" 

"you," jaehyun doesn't allow donghyuck to continue, "have been so strong and brave. it must've been hell before you spoke to somebody, really. i can't imagine how alone you must've felt, and i'll always be haunted by the fact that we did that to you. but you've been so brave, and i almost feel like i don't deserve to feel proud, but i do. i'm so happy to know the man you've become."

"hyung!" donghyuck cries, wet and heavy, "this is so dramatic!" 

"and i still mean every word!" jaehyun laughs, "i'm proud of you, i'm ecstatic you found it in your heart to forgive us, and i promise i'm going to spend the rest of my life making it up to you. i'll get a kiss on the cheek if it kills me." 

doyoung chuckles and nods, grinning at the youngest, "me too, i'm gonna earn that cheek kiss so hard." 

"he loves me more, i'll get one first, he's always been salty you picked jeno over him in 2018." 

" that was one time. "

--

"i'm glad it went well, hyuckie."

it's much later, doyoung, jaehyun, dejun and shotaro have long since gone back to their own dorms. donghyuck and jaemin have stolen away, back into jaemin's room, cuddled into a warm embrace as donghyuck recounts what jaemin missed during the private conversation. 

"i missed them," donghyuck says softly, "especially jaehyun. he's always been such a calming presence. i can see why he's your favourite hyung. or is he? maybe that crush on dejun pushed him out of first place..." 

donghyuck cackles when jaemin shoves him, a harsh red falling over his cheeks. "shut up . i really regret telling you that, you know?" 

"i know," donghyuck laughs, softly pulling jaemin back in, "but you kinda love that about me though?" 

jaemin feels like he freezes, and he secretly hopes that it's subtle enough that donghyuck doesn't notice. "w-what?" 

"how annoying i am? it's kinda charming right? could make anyone fall for me." donghyuck jokes, and jaemin lets out a breath of relief. 

"right, charming." he says softly, "that's what you are…" 

donghyuck laughs again, heartily and full. it makes jaemin smile, seeing his friend look so happy after so many months of insecurity. 

donghyuck laughs and it echoes through the room. if it were anyone else they'd probably hear complaining from the others, but it's donghyuck, and him laughing was so rare just a few months ago that now nobody has the heart to tell him to shut up. 

donghyuck laughs and jaemin swears it makes him fall in love all over again, as he stares at the older, who's laughing away with red cheeks at something that was barely even funny. 

"you know," donghyuck says as he slowly calms down, meeting jaemin's eyes as he catches the younger staring. jaemin almost panics when he realises how close they are. "if you keep staring at me like that, it'll almost be believable that you do love me." 

jaemin gulps. he can't speak. his eyes are caught in donghyuck's, like meeting the other's gaze has turned him to a statue. 

"but that would be silly, wouldn't it? you're wonderful, one of the most selfless people i've ever met. kind, caring, beautiful . you couldn't love someone like me." 

jaemin blinks. 

donghyuck blinks back. 

jaemin lets a hand travel up to cup donghyuck's cheek. his eyes, that have been burning while meeting the searing gaze from the other boy, flicker down to the other boy's lips and back up. donghyuck's breath hitches as jaemin, deliberately slow, moves his thumb to trace across the boy's bottom lip. 

"donghyuck?" 

"yeah?" 

"do you think it would be alright if i kissed you?"

Chapter Text

mark awakes to a heavy knocking at the 10th floor door. he rubs his eyes tiredly and checks the time. 2am. "who the fuck is knocking at 2am?" he asks himself as he blearily gets out of bed. 

as soon as the door is opened he's practically whisked off his feet as a clearly distressed jaemin lets himself in. "is jaehyun home?" 

"i- yes? this couldn't wait til-'' he stops when he finally meets jaemin's eyes and sees the younger has been crying. is still crying. "jaem…? are you-" 

jaemin angrily wipes at his eyes. "i'm fine. it's whatever. look can you just… go to donghyuck? i think he needs you." 

"what for?" mark frowns, "did something happen?"

"i said it's whatever," jaemin says. "go talk to donghyuck, he'll need you. i'm going to sleep in with hyung tonight." 

mark wants to tell jaemin to stop brushing him off, wants to ask what happened, if there's anything he can do. but mark knows jaemin, and he knows he's pushing him away to get him to donghyuck quicker. 

it means donghyuck could be just as upset, and mark doesn't want to pick a favourite, but donghyuck is his best friend, and after all, jaemin came here for jaehyun and mark had every bit of faith that the older would be able to help jaemin much more than he could. 

so, mark nods, doesn't question any further. "alright, i'll go, i think i heard the tv on so jaehyun or jungwoo are probably in there."

jaemin nods in thanks and moves away from mark, further into the dorm. 

if mark hears jaemin start sobbing loudly as he walks away, well, he won't tell. if anything it just makes him move faster. 

if jaemin is like this, then in his current state of mind, donghyuck could be worse. mark hates to see anyone upset, but ever since they were young, donghyuck being upset has hurt him the most. 

he barely remembers to throw on a coat as he leaves the dorm and just runs . he lets his feet carry him, mostly on pure muscle memory to the dream dorms as he runs scenarios in his brain. 

did they have a fight? 

they couldn't have. they literally could not get angry at each other if they tried. 

mark really can't comprehend that anything bad could have happened between them at all, and the thought that something had happened urges him to move faster as he tries to piece together just what happened, a way to prepare himself for whatever was waiting for him in jaemin's room. 

as the leader of nct dream, mark was trusted with a spare key to their dorms, much like donghyuck, so he didn't have to knock to get in. (although, if he were honest, he always somehow felt rude when he used his key, so he would often knock anyway.) 

when he finally did manage to burst into jaemin's room he was met with the blank stare of donghyuck. 

the boy's cheeks were tear tracked, and fresh tears sprang to his eyes when he saw his best friend. 

"donghyuck?" he moved forward to crouch in front of his best friend. "what happened?" 

donghyuck lets out a little sob, "it was a misunderstanding." 

mark pats donghyuck's leg softly, squeezing it softly in comfort when donghyuck doesn't shrink back at the touch. "what was a misunderstanding? you gotta explain hyuck, or i can't help you feel better." 

"i said no," donghyuck says slowly. "but i didn't mean no as in 'no', i meant it as in 'not right now' like i need a bit of time? you know?" 

mark was about to say that he did, in fact, not know but donghyuck was already moving on to the next part of his explanation. mark notes in belated worry that it didn't appear donghyuck is taking in nearly enough breath for just how much he was speaking. 

"he though i meant no as in 'no never' and probably thinks that i don't think of him like that but i do but he must think i hate him or that he made me uncomfortable but i didn't mean to fucking say no as in no. "

mark stares at the younger as he stops to take a gasping breath and reaches out to wipe the tears dripping from the other's eyes. 

"hyuck, sweetheart, you have to tell me what you said no to. what did jaemin ask?" 

donghyuck groans and shoves a pillow in his lap so he can bury his head in it in embarrassment. he murmurs some words into the pillow, so mark can't quite make them out. 

mark rolls his eyes and yanks the pillow away, making donghyuck yelp when his forehead hits his knees instead. "nice try, hyuck, what did he ask?" 

donghyuck rests his chin on his knees and avoids looking directly at mark. "he asked if he could kiss me…" 

he says it so quietly, mark wonders if he misheard. "oh…" then he realises he definitely heard what he thought he heard, " oh ." 

"yeah, oh ." donghyuck mimics, hitting marks cheek playfully. "it was awful. his face dropped the minute i said it and he moved away from me like i was fire." donghyuck starts to cry again, the tears affecting his breathing, "i-it was like i just t-told him he was a murderer!" he struggles out. "he k-kept apologising a-and saying he shouldn't have a-asked. and i- i- i kept trying to e-explain but… i was c-crying and i think that m-made everything wo-worse 'cause he started crying a-and apologising m- more . and then..." 

"he left?" mark finished for him with a sigh. 

donghyuck sobs and nods his head. "h-he thinks i h-hate him." 

"he doesn't think that you hate him," mark reasons. "i can't really tell you what he's thinking but he definitely doesn't think that, okay?" 

"you sure?" donghyuck asks quietly. 

"positive." mark smiles softly. "now get back under the covers. i may not be jaemin but i can at least be someone for you to cuddle for the night - if that's okay?" 

donghyuck nods quickly as he moves to give mark room to snuggle in next to him. "thank you, minhyung." 

"of course, hyuckie," mark smiles, "you know you're my best friend." 

"and you're mine." donghyuck says softly as he buries his head into mark's shoulder. the older smiles, tightens his arms around hyuckie so he can rub circles into his back. 

they stay like that for a while. they chat for a bit. avoid mentioning jaemin's name. 

and, just like that, they fall asleep.

-- 

jaemin wakes up with his body squished between jungwoo and jaehyun. both of the older boys had insisted on cuddling him to sleep last night and as a result he was trapped in a tangle of limbs. 

he'd cried a lot the night before. in fact, he didn't stop crying from the moment mark left to the moment he finally fell into a light slumber. 

jaehyun and jungwoo still don't even know what's wrong, jaemin realises with unease. he'd been so worked up, he couldn't get any words out so the two resorted to just - letting him cry. 

jaemin was thankful for that. looking at his recent track record for emotions he probably would have started shouting if they tried to calm him. and that, quite obviously would result in him being more worked up than before. 

jaemin stifles a sigh, not wanting to wake up the other two boys. he tries to avoid thinking about donghyuck as he stares at the ceiling. 

it doesn't work. 

donghyuck's teary face haunts him as he tries to convince himself he's simply counting the ceiling tiles. 

he made him cry .

god, jaemin feels like pure shit for that. 

he feels like pure shit for a lot of things, actually. 

mostly, the fact that he made donghyuck uncomfortable. clearly, that's what happened. he leant in too close, asked the other boy that . and donghyuck didn't want to. if he hadn't asked, just did it, jaemin would be just as bad as yuta. 

donghyuck must really hate him right now. 

jaemin bites his lip to stop himself from letting out a sob, tears already pouring back into his eyes. he's just had a long sleep but he feels drained, exhausted. 

it already hurt enough to know that donghyuck didn't feel the same. didn't want to kiss him. but it felt worse to know that he was so close to making donghyuck uncomfortable. 

he probably did. 

donghyuck's probably back at the dorms right now refusing touch, again, just like the yuta incident. 

except now this is the jaemin incident, and he probably deserves the inevitable message he's going to get from mark to stay away from donghyuck. 

he feels so guilty, and selfish, and simply awful and he just wants to know if donghyuck's okay. 

but he doesn't think he deserves to know at the same time. 

this time, he doesn't bite his lip quick enough, and a strangled whine escapes his lips, jolting jaehyun awake. 

"jaem? hey, shh, come on baby, you're okay." jaehyun cradles his head to brush comfortingly through jaemin's blonde hair, as jaemin finally lets himself cry again. 

he can feel jungwoo stroking his side as the boy groggily says, "what happened, jaemin, you can tell us." 

jaemin shakes his head, "i'm a terrible person!" jaemin cries, burying his face into jaehyun's shirt. his tears soaked the fabric that had most likely just dried out from his first round of crying last night. 

"jaem, what? of course you're not, how could you say such a thing?" 

"i made donghyuck uncomfortable." jaemin says, "he has every right to hate me, i don't deserve him." 

"baby," jaehyun says softly, "you need to tell us this properly or we won't be able to help." 

so jaemin takes a deep breath, calms himself, and explains. 

he explains how selfish he feels. spending every waking moment with donghyuck because he knows, even if the other boy doesn't feel the same, at least he can be close to him. he explains how he took his selfishness even further last night by asking to kiss donghyuck. 

he asked for too much, made him uncomfortable, and it hurts . not only because donghyuck clearly doesn't feel the same way but because jaemin can't stop thinking about how scared donghyuck looked when he moved away. 

jaemin had made him that scared. 

he explains that he feels awful that he's focusing on the fact that donghyuck doesn't feel the same at all. how he feels like he doesn't have the right to feel upset, because clearly donghyuck has more right to be upset. 

he explains that he feels stupid because why did he even ask to kiss him in the first place because why on earth would he feel the same way about jaemin. and why would he at all believe that asking kiss him was the right thing to do at all when dknghyuck's clearly struggling. 

he explains why he feels worse than yuta because not only has he probably hurt donghyuck the same way, but he's worse because all he can focus on is this aching feeling in his chest that won't fucking go away . 

and then he stops explaining, because he's tired now, and he's tired of being strong for everyone too. he wants to feel weak, and now's the best time to do it. 

he's been crying since he started explaining and he's exhausted.

"i'm so tired, jaehyun," he keeps saying, "i'm so tired." 

and jaehyun doesn't really know how to help so he just says, "i know," as he exchanges worried glances with jungwoo. 

jaehyun knows he's the only one who knows about these insecurities jaemin's been having, and he knows it's taken jungwoo by surprise. 

after the yuta accident, jaemin's breakdown over it was only a quarter of the upset jaemin was feeling and jaehyun didn't know how to help him get better. dear god, he was trying, but the look on jungwoo's face was telling him that even that wouldn't be enough to fix this.

--

"not good, this is not good ." jisung says as he stares into the direction of jaehyun's room, where jaemin has locked himself in. jisung and jeno had come over to see if they could cheer him up.

it's been 6 hours since he woke up and he has yet to come out for anything other than bathroom breaks. it's lucky their practices at the company have stopped for the day in a sort of miniature quarantine before they need to take covid checks to prove they're okay to go on stage for make a wish promotions. 

"this whole situation isn't good," jeno says from where he stands with taeyong, who is trying to cook some food to coax jaemin out of the room. "but what part are you talking about now?" 

"can't you hear it?" jisung asks with wide eyes. 

jungwoo frowns, "all i can hear is taylor swift?" 

"exactly!" jisung exclaims. he stares at everyone in the room with a smile, until he realises nobody knows what he's talking about and he huffs instead. "please, everyone knows jaemin listens to music according to mood. most moods change a lot, right now, happy is ariana, mad is the weeknd, chill is niki. but sad has always, always been taylor swift." 

"that's…" 

"completely true." jisung interrupts whatever jeno was going to say. "and you know that it's a bad kinda sad because he-" he pauses and points up in the air in a gesture for the other boys to listen. "yep, like that. you hear that? he just restarted my tears ricochet because it didn't make him sad enough the first time." 

jungwoo wants to laugh, but that actually sounds like something jaemin would do. "so what do we do?" 

"why don't you go in there and cheer him up?" jaehyun suggests, and jisung shakes his head violently. 

"no no no, he treats me like a son, he won't listen to me." the youngest says, "no, i'm here for when he's starting to feel better and needs the extra proof. he knows that i personally think he's perfect, so he can't take me seriously in this state." 

jeno smirks at jisung, eager to tease the boy, "alright we get it, you have a crush on jaemin." 

jisung flushes, " had ." he corrects, "stop mentioning it. he's like a cool big brother to me now, it's weird ."

in an attempt to stop the two from starting to actually argue, jaehyun asks, "so what do you suggest we do then jisung? if you know him so well, you surely know what to do." 

jisung grins, "we send in the big guns, of course."

and thus, jeno is the one setting foot into jaehyun's room, equipped with a large glass of water and a bowl of food. 

"you alright, jaem?" he asks and jaemin looks up at him from where he's lying upside down on the bed, legs in the air, feet on the wall, head hanging over the side. 

he doesn't say anything. 

"okay yeah, my bad," jeno admits, "of course you're not alright."

jeno sets down the food and water and lies down next to jaemin, sticking his legs up in the air to mimic jaemin's position. 

jaemin sighs. he's turned down the music he was blasting, taylor swift now singing this is me trying softly in the background as the two friends just stare at the ceiling. 

"you wanna talk about it?" 

jaemin shrugs, turns his head to jeno. "there's not really much to say." 

"i think there is," jeno says softly, "come on, man, remember, we tell each other everything." 

jaemin squints at jeno in suspicion. "alright i'll tell you…" 

"there sounds like there's gonna be a-" 

"but!" 

"there it is…" 

jaemin glares at jeno, who simply smiles back. "but i need to just be able to, you know, bleh." 

"bleh?" 

"yes, bleh." 

jeno blinks at him for a second, then turns back to the ceiling, "alright." he sighs, "bleh away." 

jaemin hesitates for a second then just lets it all pour out. he hadn't realised how much he'd kept from his best friend. 

"i don't feel like i'm… adequate." he says after explaining what happened the night before, "last night just confirmed it for me but... i'm not good enough for donghyuck. he's literally perfection, jeno, and i convinced myself that somebody like him likes me. i'm nothing like him. i can't speak well in big groups, i hate spending time with others. before he came along, nobody was even allowed in my room when i needed recharging." jaemins sighs, covers his face in his hands, "he made that feel better, you know? i felt like a better person with him, too. but, he doesn't feel the same and i feel stupid for feeling like i was worth it. and i feel even shittier that i feel upset about it after everything he's been through." 

"jaem…" 

"i know what you're going to say. i know. i know. i know. but i still feel terrible. i- even without everything he's gone through he's at no obligation to actually feel anything back. i knew that, at the back of my mind i always knew he probably didn't too, that he just needed me. but now it's confirmed i feel kinda… used? but not in a bad way i don't think. at least i don't want myself to feel it in  a bad way…" 

"you're just saying whatever words come to your brain now." jeno says, smiling at his best friend. 

jaemin giggles and grins back, "yeah kinda, i just don't really want to think anymore." 

"we can do that." jeno says, "how about we start with that food taeyong cooked for you?" 

--

"it's really not as bad as you think, i'm sure." 

" how are you so sure?" donghyuck huffs from his position on the couch, leaning against mark's torso. 

he's somehow ended up with every wayv member, sungchan, mark, renjun and shotaro on cheer up duty with him. they're spread around the small living area in the dream dorms all staring at donghyuck as he whines to them all about his worries. 

"i mean," hendery says, "all you've really gotta do is just… explain?" 

donghyuck laughs, "yeah, like he'll let me near him anytime soon." 

"he just thinks he hurt you!" mark reasons, "i saw him last night, he looked like he wanted to turn around and go back to you himself the whole time he was telling me to come see you." 

"then why didn't he!" 

renjun sighs and tries to meet donghyuck's wavering eyes. "think about it, hyuck. if you were him, what would you do? he's watched you break down, several times, because of this whole situation and people pushing you to do things before you were ready. he's probably under the impression that he's done the same thing!" 

"but he hasn't!" donghyuck exclaims, throwing a hand in the air, "he asked and didn't do anything i wasn't comfortable with. he knows i would tell him if i wasn't comfortable. i'm telling you he thinks i don't like him." 

"again," hendery says, with no emotion in his voice at all, "the solution is simple: talk to him." 

"no, if anything he's probably locked up in the tenth floor dorms singing taylor swift right now." 

renjun nods, "he is really into folklore right now." 

"okay, even if that is the case," kun reasons, "you just have to make him listen. send him texts, write him a letter, i don't know. literally anything that will make him listen." 

winwin nods, "or just… you know go to him anyway. if it's gonna end up good for him then why does it matter?" 

"i can't do that," donghyuck sighs, "i don't want to push him before he's ready, it wouldn't be fair after how patient he's been with me." 

ten hums thoughtfully. "do you really think he thinks you don't like him?" he asks, "i just feel like jaemin isn't the type to just assume that kind of thing…" 

"jaemin is absolutely the type to assume that." donghyuck bites back, almost offended. "he doesn't see how good he is, like ever. he's the most selfless person ever and as soon as he wants something he feels bad for wanting it. i would think that probably includes me." 

"he probably feels worse as well considering the whole, uh, situation." kun says awkwardly and he earns a small smile from donghyuck.

"yeah, exactly." the boy says dejectedly, "not the best time to go through a romance." 

"i suppose not." kun chuckles and pats his knees as he stands. "look, if you're not going to do something about it right now, i say we keep our minds off of jaemin. let's go have some lunch out or something, pretend everything's normal. 

the rest of the room smiles, nods, agrees. even donghyuck gives a small nod and an even smaller smile. 

he knows kun is just looking to distract him from overthinking every single thing that can go wrong because of this mess. he's been getting good at doing that recently. he can already think of eight, no, eleven ways the younger boy could decide never to speak to him again. 

donghyuck shakes his head. 

don't think about it, idiot.

as they all get ready to leave, hendery sighs from his perch on the kitchen chair. "but if they just talk, all the misunderstandings clear up." he says to himself. 

he's right, but donghyuck really isn't ready for that conversation.

Chapter Text

they avoid each other for six whole days. 

jaemin moves into jaehyun and jungwoo's room and spends most of his time sandwiched between them in silence. jaemin likes the silence. he's never liked crowds, or people in general, and the quiet aura that jaehyun emanates is the most comforting thing for jaemin right now.

he feels drained, emotionally and physically. he throws himself into work, having extra practices with shotaro when he can, going for runs, working out. he spends most of his schedules pretending to be happy, fakes smiles, smirking to the camera as he dances for the fans. 

but at the end of the day, there he is, with jungwoo and jaehyun, crying himself to sleep. 

in two days, from home will drop meaning donghyuck and jaemin will have to see each other at performing schedules really soon. it makes anxiety bubble in the pit of jaemin's stomach as he tries to act like it's not going to bother him. 

at this point, despite protests from literally anybody else, jaemin is pretty sure donghyuck hates him. it's okay though. he's pretty sure he hates himself even more. 

he is very sure that he hurt donghyuck. probably set his recovery back several steps, just like yuta before him. 

no words of comfort from anyone at all work to ease the pain he feels that he made his hyuckie say no and cry . 

not his hyuckie. no, he doesn't deserve him. just donghyuck. 

he can't even bring himself to be mad at yuta and johnny anymore, knowing exactly how it feels to accidentally hurt someone you love and admire so much. the older boys have visited him once and jaemin spent the whole time sobbing. johnny had even joked about how ugly jaemin looked with snot and tears running down his face.

and even after hating himself because of all of that, jaemin hates himself even more for having the audacity to even be upset that his feelings of seven years haven't been reciprocated. 

sure, he's been quietly pining over donghyuck for that long, first looking after him in the shadows, then after the incident jumping hands on into 'save hyuck' mode. 

sure, he can't and probably will never imagine himself with anyone else because he's dedicated half of his laugh (or at least most of his teenage/adult life) to making donghyuck smile. 

sure, he'll never not love lee donghyuck and it hurts like hell that he will never know what it's like to have donghyuck love him just as much. 

but he's come to realise he doesn't deserve that love anyway. 

because jaemin is a selfish boy. yeah, jaemin does everything he can to keep donghyuck happy and safe. okay, jaemin will spend every night for the rest of his life holding donghyuck in his arms if that's what the boy needs, but the underlying fact is he would do all of that for the selfish need he has to keep donghyuck close. 

he's selfish.

and he's decided it's time he stops. 

starting with letting donghyuck go.

on the other hand, donghyuck is doing slightly better. he's good at distracting himself and mark, fresh from his superm promotions and now on a well deserved break, happily fills the empty space jaemin left beside him. 

it's not the same though. even mark knows he can't replace jaemin. 

donghyuck fears it's too late for him to fix everything. he kicks himself for not listening to hendery and just talking to him as soon as it happened. 

but he wasn't ready then. 

he thinks he could be now. 

still, he's scared. 

donghyuck loves jaemin. he knows that. he's also, for the longest time, been very much aware that jaemin loves him too. 

it's for that very reason that he's afraid to talk to the other boy. 

see, donghyuck doesn't feel like he's a catch. he's needy, whiny and, face it, he lives to annoy everyone on his best day. 

in his opinion, he is very much a hard person to love. 

but jaemin loves him anyway. he just thinks that maybe this incident was enough to open jaemin's eyes to just how unlovable donghyuck really was, move him on to someone else. maybe he's finally acted on the stupid crush he had on perfect dejun. 

not that donghyuck's bitter about that. 

he also knows that a lot of this fear is probably irrational. jaemin's loved him since, well since forever, and no way he would throw that away because donghyuck denied him a kiss once . 

he's waited this long after all. 

yangyang just laughs at him when he explains his fear after dance practice one day. "dude, trust me he is not going to let you go that easy. not at all." 

"that's easy for you to say, you barely know him!" donghyuck complains. 

"look, donghyuck," yangyang sighs, "i'm not gonna lie to you, this argument between you and jaemin is hot gossip between everyone. now we may not know the details, but jaehyun is very vocal about the fact that jaemin is very much miserable without you." 

"i- really?" 

"why are you so surprised?" yangyang asks, rolling his eyes, "he thinks you hate him."

"i don't hate him…" donghyuck trails off, looking anywhere but yangyang. 

"then tell him that." 

"i will, i just-" donghyuck sighs. 

"i know," yangyang grins, and lightly grazes donghyuck's hand. donghyuck is used to the chinese boy using this as a way of asking silent permission to hold his hand and donghyuck grips it firmly in response. 

yangyang squeezes his hand and donghyuck knows what it means. 

i know you're scared, but i also know everything is going to be okay." 

it's not the first time donghyuck is thankful to have yangyang as a friend. 

"i know we all tell you to go at your own pace," yangyang says, "but honestly you need to do it sooner rather than later."

--

surprisingly, the person that prompts donghyuck to actually do something is taeyong.

"hey donghyuck," mark speaks up as the younger is cleaning up their dishes from lunch the day after his conversation with yangyang.

donghyuck hums as he picks up the last plate to dry.

"i have a text from taeyong…" 

donghyuck freezes for a second. "oh?" he forces himself to stay casual in his reply. 

"he's asking if he can see you… he says he knows you have your own pace you're going at but he's insisting that it's urgent and as a leader he feels like he needs to talk to you about it…" 

donghyuck blinks. "urgent?" he asks, "with me?" 

"that's what it says," mark turns his phone so donghyuck can see and, yes, there it is in plain writing. "it could be about anything donghyuck…" 

in his heart, donghyuck knows what it's about which is why he says, "yes." 

it's mark's turn to blink, "yes?"

"yes, he can come over. now. if it's urgent it's urgent, man." 

mark scrambles with his phone, most probably reiterating the message back to taeyong. donghyuck takes the moment to mentally prepare himself. it's going to be weird. it's going to be his first time speaking to taeyong in just over nine months and his first time speaking to any of the 127 group for the first time without the comfort of having jaemin right there with him. 

he most definitely cannot say he likes the feeling. 

but he steels himself. takes a quick moment alone in jaemin's bedroom. he takes the opportunity to pull out one of jaemin's baggier hoodies and pulls it over his head. it's been a while since jaemin wore it but somehow donghyuck can still smell him on it. it brings him comfort he most definitely will be needing. makes him feel like jaemin's right there. 

taeyong arrives and god is it uncomfortable. donghyuck, renjun and mark sit side by side on the sofa, staring at taeyong who just… awkwardly stands in front of them. 

the older looks steel-faced, yet somehow that shows how much pain he's feeling all the more. it's in his eyes, donghyuck supposes, they're glimmering and wide as they stare at donghyuck. 

"donghyuck." taeyong greets and it's obvious he's trying really hard to stay on track. 

"hyung." donghyuck replies, just because it seems like the right thing to do. 

something in donghyuck's voice must trigger something in the older, because a tear runs down his cheek and he's shaking his head. "god, i promised myself i was just gonna tell you what i needed to and go but… i feel like i'll burst if i don't say this first: i'm so sorry donghyuck. i failed you as a leader and as a friend. it's no excuse but i was so stressed out with my schedule i didn't realise what i was doing to you, and even worse i didn't notice how you were feeling. i didn't do right by you and i really hope one day you'll forgive me." 

donghyuck smiles, "it's okay hyung, thank you for your apology. it means a lot." 

"you've grown up a lot," taeyong muses, "that probably seems silly, you haven't been gone that long, but you seem different, more mature." 

"i feel different," donghyuck smiles, "and for the first time in a while it feels like a good different." 

"i'm glad to hear it, hyuckie, really." taeyong genuinely returns the smile and donghyuck chuckles. 

"now what did you need to say, hyung?" donghyuck asks, cocking his head to the side. "it must be important, if you were insisting on it so much?" 

taeyong's smile morphed into a pained grimace. "look, i don't want to tell you what to do. in fact, i feel like i have no right to tell you what to do. however, if there's a problem in this team, then it's my duty, as a leader, to fix it. i've already failed you once, i can't do it again." 

"so i was right," donghyuck looked down at his hands, playing with his fingers in his lap. "this is about jaemin." 

"yes." 

"what about him?" donghyuck asks, voice a little shaky. the situation must be worse than he thought to prompt taeyong to come to him like this. 

taeyong sighs, "look first of all, i just want to say, i know this is probably gonna come across like an invasion of his privacy or whatever, but jaehyun sent me this because he's really at a loss for how to help the kid. they're both running on, like, 2 hours sleep a night."

"sent you what?" donghyuck's feeling a bit panicked now, because with every word out of taeyong's mouth makes jaemin's condition sound more dire. 

taeyong waves his phone, "a voice note. of jaemin talking about the situation." 

"oh."

"i just…" taeyong pauses, tries to think of the best way to word it, "i just think i get the reason why you're holding back, and i think you need to hear jaemin's mindset from his own mouth. i think it's the only way you're going to get the courage to go to him." 

donghyuck mentally curses taeyong for knowing him too well. "so he's just… talking about me in there?" 

taeyong nods, "i understand if you don't want to hear it but…" 

"no i want to, i just…" donghyuck glances to his sides, first at renjun, then mark. 

they took the message quick enough, excusing themselves and reluctantly leaving him alone with taeyong, who smiles. "i was about to ask them to leave too," he says, deadpan serious. "this is… a bit too private." 

donghyuck nods, "play it hyung, i want to hear it." 

and taeyong hits play. 

the first thing donghyuck hears makes him wince. he can picture the scene vividly in his head: jaemin crumpled into jaehyun's lap, looking so small and delicate as the older rubs his back, desperately trying to shush and soothe the pained sobs that seem to be ripped from jaemin's body. 

" shush nana, it's okay, " jaehyun soothes, " come on now, don't cry, please stop crying. "

donghyuck avoids taeyong's eyes in shame as the sobs just get louder. he feels awful that jaemin's been feeling like this… and he hasn't even started talking yet. 

" it's all my fault " comes jaemin's voice and donghyuck feels tears prickle in the corner of his eyes at how small the younger sounds. " i'm a terrible, terrible person ." jaemin whimpers. " how can you even stand to sit here and comfort me when i just don't deserve it." 

" please, nana, don't say that about yourself. " 

"it hurts." jaemin admits, "it hurts but it doesn't matter, i should just take it. it's better this way. i'm- i deserve him hating me." 

jaemin pauses to hiccup and jaehyun's voice speaks up, " jaemin, come on, he doesn't hate you. you know he doesn't. " 

" i've probably set him back again. you should've seen the way he was crying. it felt just like it did when yuta touched him. and it was because of me." jaemin speaks with worry lacing his voice. " i wasn't supposed to be the one to hurt him, i just wanted to help. and even with all that i'm still upset he doesn't feel the same when i have no right to be. he isn't obligated to feel the same."

donghyuck's heart breaks as the recording goes back to jaehyun shushing jaemin. the younger's cries had gotten louder, harder, more inconsolable. donghyuck can hear in jaehyun's voice that he's close to panicking over jaemin crying. 

" why doesn't he love me?" comes jaemin's voice again, " i know i'm not nearly good enough for him but… i really thought i had a chance. "

" hey nana, don't say that, you're perfect. "

taeyong stops the recording there. "it goes on for another 15 minutes." he explains, scanning donghyuck's face cautiously. "it's pretty much more of the same though." 

donghyuck meets taeyong's eyes with his own watery ones, "and he's been like that every night." 

taeyong nods. "until yesterday. jaehyun said he was… dead silent yesterday. just went to bed like nothing happened, was completely blank faced the whole day too." he bit his lip, "that's why i came today. hyuckie, it seems like he's giving up on you, and i really don't want that to happen. you deserve to be happy. together." 

donghyuck shakes his head, bringing his knees up so he can rest his chin on them. "hyung, what if i'm not good enough for him ? he's literally been a saint to me this whole time… and i'm… so broken? what if i can never… get to that point with him and - i don't know - he starts to resent me for it."

"he could never resent you for anything, i don't think. you said it yourself, the boy's practically been a saint to you." 

"but-" 

"donghyuck, listen to me. you've been through a lot, but that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your happiness because of it. even if you don't want to pursue anything right now, don't you think you owe it to jaemin to at least give him some closure on it? i'm only speaking from that one recording, but over the next 15 minutes, he contradicts himself a lot. he's so confused he barely even knows why he's crying, he just knows he's fucking sad." 

"i know…" 

"jaemin's always been the sensitive one. he's quiet, barely likes people's company but still gets upset if a person shows any sort of contempt towards him. he's spent the past year looking after you, please, just consider at least just straightening out the confusion." 

"okay." 

taeyong blinks. "okay?" 

"yeah, okay." 

"that was easier than i thought… kinda prepared a speech in case you said no…" 

donghyuck grins. "you were pretty convincing hyung. but it's like you said, i already knew why i wasn't doing it… you've just given me a reason why my reasons don't matter. i need to talk to him, because we can work this out." 

taeyong smiles, "and no matter what the outcome, i promise it'll end up better for the both of you." 

"that's an easy promise to make," donghyuck teases, "think we can't really get in any worse shape right now." 

taeyong laughs, "yeah, i guess you're right." 

"i'm gonna go… like right now…" 

"oh!" taeyong stands, bushes himself off. "i'll walk you back!" he hesitates, then scans donghyuck's face for any type of objection. 

but donghyuck smiles, "i'd like that, hyung." 

the relief is evident on taeyong's face as he leads, donghyuck out, both of them throwing goodbyes to the rest of the dream dorm over their shoulders. 

"oh, and hyung?" 

"yes?" 

"we're good now, okay? like really good." 

taeyong smiles as donghyuck reaches out and grabs his hand so they could walk hand in hand to jaehyun's dorm room. "i'm glad, hyuck, i've missed you." 

"i've missed you too." they walk for a few moments before donghyuck speaks up again, "i really do owe him a lot, you know?" 

"yeah?"

"yeah. if it wasn't for him, i don't think i would've ever held your hand again." 

taeyong chuckles, albeit slightly bitter, "well… thank fuck for na jaemin then." 

"thank fuck for na jaemin indeed." donghyuck agrees with a shy smile. 

-- 

when jaemin awakes from his nap, jaehyun's arms around him feel strange. like they've shrunk in muscle size while he was sleeping, feeling softer, cuddlier, more… like donghyuck. 

god, he realises, he misses donghyuck so much he must be hallucinating being in his arms or something.

he stirs properly, begins to hoist himself into a seated position, but the arms keep him in place. 

"you were sleeping like the dead," says a voice that is… decidedly not jaehyun . jaemin startles, tries to wiggle free half-heartedly as he continues, "though i was going to be waiting here all night." 

jaemin sighs, giving up on freeing himself as he rolls to the side. 

there he is. 

donghyuck, in all his glory, arms still circled around the younger's middle as he gives him a sheepish smile. 

"this has to be a dream, no way would the real donghyuck would come near me." 

"says who?" 

"says me!" 

"well last i checked you are not me and couldn't possibly know just what it is i'm thinking." donghyuck gives an easy smile. "and i am here, jaem, i'm really here." 

jaemin examines him for a moment, as tears begin to spring to his eyes. "hyuckie? you're really… you're here?" 

"i'm here. and i promise i'm not going anywhere until we've talked this through, okay?" 

jaemin starts to cry, hands gripping onto donghyuck's arms tightly, feeling them in several places, as if to check they actually were around him. "you- you're cuddling me?" 

donghyuck squeezes his hold around jaemin with a soft smile, "yeah, i am." 

it lulls jaemin into a sense of security. he feels like it's back before he hurt him, before he said those stupid words. he feels like maybe donghyuck could love him back

"now," donghyuck says, "i think there's been a few misunderstandings here that we need to clear up." 

jaemin snorts cynically, "you said no, not really sure how i could misinterpret that." 

"well you did." donghyuck aims one perfectly raised eyebrow at jaemin, who simply blinks in confusion. "i'm pretty sure i already know, but for the sake of complete transparency… explain to me what you think happened. i want to know what's going through that pretty head of yours." 

jaemin grins, "you think i'm pretty, huh?" 

"avoiding the question, huh?" donghyuck counters and jaemin's smile drops. 

"i'm so sorry, donghyuck, i shouldn't have asked you that," he says sincerely, moving away from him slightly, trying to keep a respectful distance. it makes donghyuck frown. "i should've known it would make you uncomfortable, especially after yuta… especially since… you don't feel the same." 

"jaemin…" 

"i get it, hyuckie. i really do. that's why i've been staying away, i'm sure you're happier now, without me there."

"now, wait a minute." donghyuck scolds, and jaemin stops trying to move away, staring at donghyuck instead. "I said there was a misunderstanding, right? you couldn't be more wrong about the situation, jaemin." 

"i am?" jaemin asks, his voice small as he tries to avoid donghyuck's eyes which are staring straight at him. donghyuck sees this and grips his chin with his hand, making him meet his gaze. 

"jaemin, i love you." admits donghyuck. "i didn't want to say it like this but it's true. i love you so much, okay? and i really want to be able to, you know, do things like that … with you, i just- don't want to rush myself." 

"oh…" jaemin blushes bright red, "so i didn't… make you uncomfortable?" 

donghyuck shakes his head. "no. god no, you could never." he smiles, pulls jaemin closer, so they're a breath apart. "i just want to be sure, i don't want to push myself before i'm ready, i want to be cautious, you know." 

jaemin chuckles, "i feel kinda dramatic now, that's such a simple explanation…" 

"yeah, you kinda didn't give me a chance to explain straight away, you just… ran." 

"i'm sorry, i thought you were crying because i was too close."

donghyuck laughed out loud, throwing his head back as jaemin pouts. 

"don't laugh!" he complains, "stop, it's not funny!" 

"it is," donghyuck giggles, but still he calms himself down. "imagine thinking that you of all people could ever be too close to me." as if to prove himself right, he pulls jaemin closer still, the younger boy now practically sprawled out in his lap.

"so, you're happy? with this i mean." 

donghyuck let's a hand run over jaemin's cheek, "i think you have something to tell me first before i can actually be happy." jaemin frowns, tilts his head in confusion. "i said it, but you haven't said it back yet." donghyuck jokingly pouts at jaemin. 

jaemin smiles, the poor boy so red he's practically glowing. "donghyuck, you are the most wonderful person i've ever met. this past year has just solidified my feelings." jaemin, strokes donghyuck's cheek softly, "this year, you've shown just how strong, amazing and just plain beautiful you are. inside and out, and i'm so incredibly enamoured by you. i've loved you since we were sixteen, hyuckie. for me, it's always been you." 

donghyuck smiles, "sixteen? that long?" 

"don't act like you didn't know," jaemin chuckled, "everyone else did. from what i've been told i was kinda obvious about it." 

donghyuck grins, "yeah, i knew. sorry it's taken me so long." 

"i would've waited forever." jaemin sighs, resting their foreheads together with a soft smile. 

"well you don't have to wait anymore."

"so, we love each other," jaemin confirms, "and we're just gonna… go at your pace, okay? i've waited this long for a kiss, i can wait longer." 

donghyuck smiles, "we can start with this," he whispers, before he moves to press his lips tenderly to jaemin's cheek. 

he lingers there for a moment before he pulls away with a shy grin. jaemin matches the smile and they stay like that for a few minutes, just taking in each other's warmth. 

it's been days since they've been like this, it felt nice to hold each other again. 

then, of course, donghyuck had to ruin the moment. "so how much taylor swift did you listen to while you were here, drama queen?" 

"hyuckie!" jaemin complains, "don't, i really thought you hated me!" 

donghyuck chuckled, "but i didn't!" 

"well, i didn't know that. it's been like five days, why didn't you come sooner?" 

donghyuck scratches his head, "i wanted to give you space? i don't know…" 

"you're such a dumbass," jaemin rolled his eyes playfully. 

donghyuck grins, kisses jaemin's forehead, "yeah but i'm your dumbass, right?" 

"yeah," jaemin chuckles, "i guess you are."

Chapter Text

"god, and we thought you two were annoying before you got together." yangyang complains backstage at an mnet music show. the 90s love and work it units are sharing a dressing room. the only people not in the room, unless absolutely necessary, are johnny and yuta, both men surprisingly rine with giving space to donghyuck. 

jaemin and donghyuck are currently curled up in the corner of the room joking around with each other, obnoxious enough to prompt yangyang to tease them. 

jeno grins, "nah i think jaemin blasting taylor swift when he thought donghyuck didn't love him was worse." 

donghyuck snorts at that and jaemin softly jabs his elbow into his ribs, “hey! that was a bad time for me.” he pouts, “i thought you hated me.” 

“dramatic ass,” ten rolls his eyes. “as if donghyuck would just outright hate you after that. you literally did nothing wrong.” 

winwin chuckles from where he was resting against mark’s arm. “honestly i’d prefer you two being mopey asses to this, i think i’ve almost thrown up like five times just from looking at how sickly sweet you look. and i can’t even hear what you’re saying.”

“we're not that bad…” donghyuck said with a pout that jaemin covers with his hand jokingly. 

"nah, we're pretty bad," jaemin admits, smirking when he sees that he's made donghyuck blush. 

jungwoo grins, "i think you're sweet." he admits, "it's been almost a month since that happened anyway, it's nice to see you're over it." 

for the most part, he's right they're over it. both of them are very much aware of the fact that donghyuck saying no and jaemin running away was a complete misunderstanding.

but they still have their issues. first, donghyuck is still having an issue with boundaries. there have been a couple of times where jaemin has gotten a bit too close, or asked if he could do something (even just a hug during an intimate moment) and donghyuck freaks out. 

jaemin's so lovely and patient about it. smiles, laughs it off, does something donghyuck is comfortable with instead. it makes donghyuck feel awful, because he's really trying and he honestly doesn't even know why he's scared, but he is and in some ways he feels like it's just an excuse. 

this issue, unfortunately, is something mark is always bringing up. donghyuck mentioned it to him once and now he won't let it go. he thinks it's gotten to the point where donghyuck is somewhat exaggerating his fear of touch with jaemin because he's scared. 

see, donghyuck confided in him not even a week after the pair made up, that he was worried about living up to jaemin's expectations. the younger boy had quite literally waited five years for him, had most likely built wild expectations of the relationship in his head. 

the relationship had already started in such an… unorthodox manor, so donghyuck wanted everything about the rest of their relationship to be perfect. donghyuck had never kissed anyone before, except for the one time he made out with mark to 'see what it was like'. (it was awful, awkward, and they vowed never to speak of it again.) 

he was already wildly inexperienced, and pairing that with the knowledge that jaemin had at least kissed all of the dreamies at one point or another (there wasn't much to do when they had almost year long breaks between comebacks, so they played a lot of truth or dare.) he knew he was most likely going to disappoint the younger. 

mark has continuously argued that, for god's sake, jaemin's not going to care if he doesn't know what he's doing, but donghyuck is already nervous enough about touch as it is so this increases it by tenfold. 

still though, he's happy with jaemin and he thinks on some level jaemin needs the build up too because sometimes the other distances himself a little bit saying he needs a social recharge. jaemin loves him, but he is just as nervous around donghyuck as he is. 

the managers give them the clear to leave the dressing room, cars ready to take them home and jaemin and donghyuck make sure to separate. they want to keep this from fans who can potentially spot them out and about so they do their best to stick themselves to other members where necessary. 

thus, donghyuck is taking the time walking to the van as 'annoy jeno time', poking and prodding at the older teasingly as he talks in pout. 

jaemin walks beside johnny, not particularly by choice, they both just lagged behind the rest of the group. they haven't exchanged words but they have a mutual understanding between them that neither holds anything against the other. for now. if johnny acts up with donghyuck again, who knows what jaemin would do. 

johnny, frankly, doesn't want to find out.

it's in the van home that donghyuck brings up the fact that he's ready to take his next step in the road to recovery. 

the two of them are in the back of the van, tucked into the corner, avoiding being seen as they hold hands, jaemin half cuddled into donghyuck's side. 

"i want to speak to taeil." 

jaemin hums softly, he's half asleep on donghyuck's shoulder, "yeah? you think you're ready?" 

"oh, i've been ready for a while." donghyuck chuckles, "i've been putting it off." 

jaemin frowns, lifts his head to look up at donghyuck, "why?" 

donghyuck shrugs, "it's taeil." he says, as if it explains everything. 

donghyuck doesn't say anymore, so neither does jaemin. he rests his head back on donghyuck's shoulder and closes his eyes. he gives a sleepy smile when he feels donghyuck squeeze his hand. 

and donghyuck watches him do all that with the softest smile. 

--

taeil is more than happy when he hears from donghyuck. well, donghyuck assumes so anyway based on the amount of emojis he sends. 

they decide to meet the day before donghyuck's last promotions for 90's love. donghyuck makes lunch. jaemin is tucked away in his room and the rest of dream are at chenle's. it's perfect. 

it's soft when taeil knocks on the door, donghyuck almost doesn't hear the light sound of his knuckles against the wood. 

the door opens and there he is: the oldest. taeil looks nervous, hands wringing together in front of him and eyebrows loosely knit together. it strikes donghyuck as foreign, but he doesn't know if that's because he barely recalls taeil ever being nervous or its because it's been almost a year since he last spent time with taeil in this capacity. 

"hyung," he greets, almost cringing at how formal he sounds, "i made lunch." he gestures for taeil to follow him in and the two lightly seat themselves at the table. 

taeil still hasn't spoken, it feels a bit odd but donghyuck also notes that it sort of goes with taeil's easy personality. it's the older's way of allowing donghyuck to control the situation, he can lead the conversation.

"it's your favourite," donghyuck says, gesturing to the food, "or at least it was, last i saw, i dunno you might have changed it by-"

"it's perfect," taeil says with a soft smile, "but i also know you have other things to say to me. i'll eat when we've talked about this. i don't think i can eat without- we need to talk first." 

donghyuck nods, but stays silent. he doesn't quite know how to put into words what he wants to say. 

"it's okay," taeil encourages, "you can say whatever you need to feel better. i can take it." 

donghyuck thinks for a moment, unsure exactly how to start what he wants to say. he's been avoiding taeil for this long, purely for this reason. 

it's no secret taeil is one of his favourite people in the world. which makes it that much harder for donghyuck to put how he felt into words. 

"donghyuckie?" taeil asks, "did i push you a bit too much?" 

donghyuck's lip quirks up slightly, "no, no. i'm just preparing myself to speak."

taeil smiles, takes a bite of some of the food in front of him while he waits for donghyuck to speak.

"i've been feeling really disappointed in you, hyung." donghyuck starts. he avoids taeil's eyes, instead training them on his hands, which sit delicately in his lap. 

"disappointed?" taeil prompts, and it's obvious from the strain in his voice that the word had affected him. 

"i-" donghyuck pauses, considers how to continue, "i always thought we were close, hyung. you were more than just one of my older bandmates, i considered you one of my favourite people in the world." 

"hyuckie…" 

donghyuck presses on, voice hoarse as he tries to get out all of the thoughts he has in mind. "i love you so much, hyung, and i think that's why you treating me like that hurt more than it did with everyone else. it's not like with mark and jungwoo where they were either just not there or just listened to everyone else. you participated in everything. it hurt when taeyong and doyoung ignored me, or pushed me away, but it was ten times worse with you. johnny too, but that's a different story…" 

"i'm so sorry," taeil says, tears beginning to build in his eyes. donghyuck's crying too, and he still can't look at him because he knows he'll cave before he can finish his words. 

"i know," donghyuck says, "i know you're sorry and that makes it so much worse , hyung. why did it take me leaving for you to notice? if you love me so much, why did you do it? i could handle it from the others, but i never thought this would happen with you." 

taeil can't hold back his tears now as he moves around the table to kneel beside donghyuck. "donghyuck…" 

"i just don't understand why. i've been so understanding and accepted wveryone's apologies and i still don't understand why, hyung." 

"i- i really don't know hyuckie, i just know that i'm sorry. i didn't… i didn't realise what i was doing." 

"' i think he just needs to grow up a bit '," donghyuck crudely mimics the words he heard taeil say that day all those months ago. he bites the words out and chokes on them through his tears as he finally looks into taeil's wide eyes, "' he's acting like a spoiled child when it comes to all these hugs '" that's what you said hyung. i remember it so well, i dream about it sometimes. why would you say that if you didn't know what you did? i've accepted everyone's apologies til now because i just want things back to normal but before i forgive you i just want to understand."  

"i'm- i didn't know you heard that." 

"so you thought it would be fine if i didn't know?" 

"that's not what i meant, i just… i didn't realise what you went through completely." 

donghyuck snorts sarcastically and taeil takes a deep breath, resting a hand on donghyuck's thigh cautiously. 

"donghyuck, you need to understand that when all this was happening, none of us knew how far it was going. you need to know it wasn't something we planned, we didn't do this to spite you in any way." taeil sucks in his tears to try and steady his shaking voice. "donghyuckie, we all love you so much i promise you. it's really terrible, what we did to you. we were unknowingly just plain horrid to you. i think we're going to spend the rest of our lives trying to make it up to you and even then i don't think that's going to be enough." 

"but why ." donghyuck's tears are getting too much now and he's struggling to keep his breath even. taeil strokes donghyuck's leg softly as he speaks.

"in all honesty, there is no why." he admits, "we were so wrong to treat you like that, and we didn't even have a reason. we were just… so tired from work and we took it out on you and we shouldn't have done." 

"i know, it's just… i think that's what makes it hurt worse." 

"i know, i'm so sorry donghyuck, if there was anything i could do to make you feel better i would." 

"could you… hug me?" donghyuck asks quietly and taeil grins. 

"that i can do." he stands, pulling donghyuck up with him so he can wrap him into a tight embrace.

after a few moments, donghyuck hums in satisfaction, wrapping his own arms around him. "i missed this. i missed you ." 

"i've missed you too, so much." taeil admits. "i'll do anything i can to make you feel better, i promise you'll feel safe with me again." 

"i already do, hyung, i just kind of procrastinated talking to you for a while." 

"i get it, i would've done the same." 

and they stand there like that, for a long while. donghyuck tucks his head into taeil's neck as the older strokes his hair. just taking in each other again. 

donghyuck wasn't lying when he said he'd been ready to speak to taeil ages ago. in all honesty, he would've gone to taeil straight after he made up with jungwoo, months ago . but he didn't.

a part of him was just so scared that he wouldn't like what he'd hear if he asked taeil these questions, but right now, he's just happy to be speaking to him again at all. 

he's been waiting for a taeil hug since june. 

-- 

when jaemin leaves his room after a long nap he's greeted to the sound of donghyuck giggling as taeil loudly tries to continue speaking over him.

he rounds the corner to see donghyuck perched in taeil's lap, head thrown back in laughter as taeil tells him some kind of joke that jaemin must've missed. most of the food is eaten, and donghyuck looks so happy . jaemin feels warm. 

"looks like you two are doing well?" 

donghhuck whips round to beam at him, "jaemin! we've just been catching up, hyung was telling me about something stupid doyoung hyung did the other day." 

jaemin sits in taeil's now empty chair, opposite the two with a smile. "i'm glad you're having fun, hyuck." 

taeil uses jaemin's disruption as an opportunity to check his phone. "oh shit, i should probably get going, hyuck, i promised taeyong i'd help him with his aquarium. i don't really know what i'm doing but it makes him happy, i guess?" 

the two younger boys chuckle and donghyuck gets up. he brushes some crumbs off his lap before he moves to the kitchen, "i'm going to get you a box hyung, so you can take home some leftovers." 

taeil knows better than to argue, so he just smiles at jaemin instead. "he's happy." he says softly, examining jaemin's face as it flushes slightly red. 

"yeah, i guess he is." 

"oh you know he is," taeil teases, "you're the one who's made him this happy." 

jaemin shakes his head softly, "nah, he's made himself happy. this is all him." 

"you need to give yourself a lot more credit," taeil insists, "imagine how hyuck would be right now if you had just brushed him off when he came to you. or if you hadn't questioned him when you noticed he was upset. i can almost guarantee you we wouldn't be in the position we're in today. i honestly think we may not have donghyuck with us today if you hadn't stepped in." 

jaemin smiles, "i don't really like to think of it like that. i don't think i'd want to live in a world where lee donghyuck isn't there." 

"me neither. so, thank you. for helping him get here, at the very least." 

"it's good to have you back, taeil hyung." 

donghyuck comes back then, placing a box in taeil's hand full of the leftovers he took into the kitchen with him. 

the couple say their goodbye to the older man as he insists on letting himself out. donghyuck lets out a happy sigh as he moves to the sink with the dirty dishes, ready to do the washing up. 

as he begins to wash the first dish, jaemin comes up behind him, wrapping his arms around the older's middle and burying his head into the back of his neck. 

he places a line of soft kisses on the exposed skin of donghyuck's nape before murmuring into it, "it really went well?" 

donghyuck hums, "mm yeah. he was so nice. felt good to have him around again." 

"i'm glad," jaemin says, "i know how much you missed him. feels nice to see you so happy now."

donghyuck presses back into jaemin as the black-haired boy presses more soft kisses into his neck. "i guess i am. thank you." 

"thank me?" 

"yeah," donghyuck quickly shakes his hands dry and turns suddenly, gripping jaemin's waist to hold him steady. "yeah, thank you. my life wouldn't be nearly as happy as it is now without you. you make me really happy, and you helped me build myself up to a place where i can make myself happy. i'll forever be thankful that you were in the dorm that day, dancing around to twice songs." 

jaemin blushes, "okay, but you promised not to mention that again." 

donghyuck grins. "what song was it again?" he pretends to think before he lightly starts to sing, " seollenda me likey. me likey, likey, likey. me likey, likey, likey ." 

"donghyuck!" jaemin complains, burying his head in his shoulder in embarrassment. "stop!" 

donghyuck just laughs, loud and unapologetic and happy . it makes jaemin smile in spite of the teasing. " dugeun dugeun dugeun. heart, heart. " 

"donghyuck please," jaemin begs him half-heartedly, but the older just laughs more, moves away so they're no longer touching, so he can see jaemin fully. 

"come on, what's that bit. that bit dahyun sings, she's your favourite, right?"

jaemin sighs, resigned to his face. softly he starts doing the dance movements as he sings the iconic lyric, "ooh, jamkkanman jamkkanman yeonragi ijeya oneungeol woo!" 

donghyuck literally cackles when jaemin hits the dab at the end of the line. "you're so cute!" he exclaims, laughing as he brings jaemin in for another tight hug, "so cute, jaeminnie." 

"no you," jaemin argues half-heartedly, but donghyuck isn't listening.

"sorry, we got side tracked there, i was being serious." 

jaemin makes a mocking serious face, "oh yes, sorry, very serious." 

donghyuck chuckles, "as i was saying , whatever you were singing that day, you stopping to listen to me, protecting me while i healed, helping me with everything, i'll forever be grateful for that." 

"of course, i would've done that for you hyuckie, no matter what the problem." 

"i know. that's why i fell in love with you." 

jaemin blushes. looks away. it's still so foreign to actually hear the words leave donghyuck's mouth. he still finds it hard to believe someone as wonderful as donghyuck could love him. "there's only johnny and yuta left," jaemin notes. 

donghyuck raises his brows at the subtle change of subject but doesn't say anything. just nods. 

"i'm so proud of you. so many people in this world would have never forgiven them, or would've let them ruin everything. but you didn't, you're so strong. throughout this whole thing you've stayed true to yourself and you haven't let this whole thing change you. i'm just… so proud of you. there were so many moments you could've given up, but now here we are, almost back to normal with everyone but johnny and yuta." 

"yeah, it's a bit bittersweet, i guess." donghyuck smiles sadly, "i feel like it'll never be the same for me with those two. everytime i see them i just… feel weird? i don't - i really don't - like the idea of them touching me, being near me. it's going to take a long time." 

"and you can take all the time you need." jaemin says softly. he pulls donghyuck impossibly closer to his body. let his hand trail across donghyuck's cheek softly. "they'll wait for you. i believe in time they'll prove themselves to you." 

donghyuck hums, "do you think so?" 

"yes," jaemin's thumb softly swipes at donghyuck's cheek in comfort. "and when the time comes you will do whatever you need to do for you . not anybody else. and i'll be as proud of you then as i am now." 

"i love you." donghyuck says again, pressing their foreheads together delicately. "so much." 

"i love you too," jaemin whispers, locking their eyes together as his arm around donghyuck's waist, tightens its hold. 

they stay there for a moment, both knowing what they want to do, but stuck in hesitation. they're almost entranced, having a conversation with their eyes about the pure adoration they feel for each other.

it's donghyuck who breaks the spell, with words jaemin himself had muttered not long ago. "jaemin?" 

"yeah?" 

"would it be okay if i kissed you?" 

jaemin blinks, then smiles shyly, "you sure?" 

"im sure." 

"then yes." 

and that's all donghyuck needs before his lips are delicately capturing jaemin's lightly chapped ones. the younger tenses for a second before he responds in earnest kissing donghyuck back with fervour as he relaxes into donghyuck's hold. 

it's been a long time coming, especially for jaemin, and it had been a hard situation that carried them to this moment. but donghyuck didn't feel regret. 

no, he felt so much more. he felt so proud that, after everything, he could do this with jaemin. he could be this close to someone without flinching away, without second guessing. 

he felt happy. truly happier than he had felt in a long time. it was amazing just how good it felt to just, be. unapologetically himself and able to do so without feeling any type of remorse. 

jaemin just made everything worth it . 

they pull apart. jaemin stares into the older's eyes in pure awe and adoration. the love he was radiating in that look alone enough to make donghyuck flush scarlet. 

"worth the wait?" donghyuck jokes, pecking jaemin's nose. 

jaemin smiles wide, "you'll always be worth the wait." he presses another small kiss to donghyuck's mouth then chuckles. "now, stop being so sappy and wash those dishes!" 

donghyuck rolls his eyes, "you were sappy first!" donghyuck argues, starting a playful back and forth as he turns back to the dishes, jaemin, reattaching himself to donghyuck's back playfully as he complains that donghyuck needs to hurry up so they can cuddle quicker.

donghyuck thinks back to the time he overheard taeyong call him needy. 

he had concluded then that that was what he was, and his present self has to agree. 

but now he knows. 

being needy isn't so bad afterall.

Chapter Text

donghyuck is, quite simply, undeniably happy. after all of the stress 2020 brought him, 2021 arrived like a breath of fresh air. it marks the start of promotions for NCT Dream’s seven member comeback, something for which he is extremely grateful. not only are the seven of them back to promoting together, but he also can distance himself from johnny and yuta without any speculation as to why. he simply appears ‘busy’.

aside from the two aforementioned members, donghyuck has never been closer to his teammates. he ventures out of the dream dorm often now, spending a lot of time with taeil, doyoung and, surprisingly, shotaro. the japanese boy had been shy during nct 2020 promotions, but as his confidence in korean grew, so did his friendship with donghyuck. 

but, as much as donghyuck gets comfortable with everyone else, he finds there’s nothing he loves more than coming back home after a long day and curling up next to his boyfriend. what's even better, waking up still in jaemin's arms. 

na jaemin is, in donghyuck’s absolutely non-biased opinion, the most beautiful person to have ever walked the earth. not only that, but he’s also the most caring person donghyuck has ever met.  

donghyuck, of course, never misses an opportunity to tell him. “you’re so lovely.” he mumbles into jaemin’s ear one morning as the younger flutter open his eyes. 

jaemin flashes a lazy grin, tightening his hold on donghycuk’s torso to bring him impossibly closer to his chest. he hums, feathering soft kisses anywhere on donghyuck’s face he can reach, “hmm, good morning, love.” 

his voice is deep, sleep heavy and it makes donghyuck smile back softly. donghyuck is feeling particularly loving this morning, however, so he doesn’t acknowledge jaemin’s greeting in favour of informing him, “you’re so pretty too.” jaemin preens under the praise, humming his approval softly as he pushes donghyuck onto his back. jaemin, out of habit, looks for approval from donghyuck before he buries his face into the crook of the older’s neck. 

donghyuck sighs softly as he feels jaemin’s chapped lips grazes across his neck. it’s soft, their whole relationship is soft. there’s no intent behind the soft kisses, no implications that they should venture further. jaemin knows donghyuck isn’t ready for that and donghyuck knows jaemin wouldn’t pressure him. 

he revels in the touches across his body. the almost featherlight kisses, the hand mapping out the expanse of his abs. donghyuck’s own hands venture across jaemin’s back, slipping under his shirt to gently massage the muscles their

donghyuck whines quietly when jaemin pulls away, but is quickly silenced with a soft kiss to his lips. jaemin’s grinning into the kiss when he speaks again, “i said, good morning, love.” 

“good morning.” donghyuck breathes against jaemin's lips, kissing him deeply, one last time, before he pulls away. 

jaemin lets out a satisfied sigh as he turns onto his own back to lie next to donghyuck. "we have a lot to do today," he says as donghyuck turns onto his side to stare at jaemin's side profile. the older hums in acknowledgement. "a lot to do. music bank, fansign, dinner with taeil and taeyong." 

donghyuck brings a hand up to trace the outline of jaemin's jaw. "wish we could just stay here all day." 

"me too, baby," jaemin mumbles, letting his own hand reach up to hold donghyuck's to his face. "but-" 

donghyuck whines, "no buts, let's just stay here all day."

jaemin hums, decides to humour donghyuck until they really have to get up. "c'mere then," he says and donghyuck's smile is blinding as he tucks himself into jaemin's side, unceremoniously throwing one of his legs across jaemin's body. 

they lay in silence for a few moments, but it's not uncomfortable. it's safe, familiar, and as usual it beckons donghyuck to share his thoughts. "do you ever wish we could have more?" 

jaemin lets out a confused hum. "more? what, do you mean, like, because we have to hide." 

"no," donghyuck answers, "more like, do you wish we did more?" he bites his lip, unsure of how to ask, "like, you know, together?" 

jaemin raises a brow, "what kind of things?" 

donghyuck doesn't answer. he looks up and his red cheeks are an answer in themselves and jaemin sighs softly in response.

"hyuckie, we've talked about this." 

"it's just, we have mornings like this and i just think-" 

"there's your problem," jaemin teases, chuckling when donghyuck swats his chest. "i've already told you i'm happy like this. this is more than i ever thought i'd get with you. i'd wait for years if that's what it takes for you to be comfortable." 

"but what about you ?"

"i really don't need anything more than this to make me happy." jaemin insists. "five years i waited, donghyuck, i can wait five more if i need to, as long as i get to see you smile that way you do, just for me." jaemin winks, giggling to himself when donghyuck's blush only darkens.

donghyuck groans, "why do you have to be so perfect?" he rolls his eyes when jaemin simply winks back at him, "i just feel like i can give you more than i am now." 

"you give me everything just by allowing me to be your boyfriend, donghyuck." 

"you're so cheesy." 

"only with you." 

"well now, that's a lie." donghyuck laughs, "you're cheesy with jisung and jeno all the time." 

jaemin smirks, "like you're not just as cheesy with mark and taeil." 

"mark and taeil didn't used to have a crush on me." donghyuck pouts teasingly.

jaemin flicks his cheek, "can't believe you still get jealous of jisung of all people." 

"please. i'm not jealous, i know i'm all yours." donghyuck pouts even more when jaemin coos at him. "jisung does definitely still fancy you, though." 

"he does not." jaemin laughs when donghyuck sits up, just to make sure jaemin can see him raise an eyebrow.

"of course he does, look at you, you're a god."

"donghyuck!"

there's a knock, and bless his soul jisung calls through the door. "jaemin! donghyuck!" 

"yes, my jisungie!" jaemin calls out, just to watch donghyuck pout again.

jisung, poor jisung, stutters as he replies, "i, uh, just wanted to, um, let you know you have, like, five minutes to get ready."

jaemin and donghyuck both scramble to get out of bed. "be right there sungie!" donghyuck calls out as jaemin trips over his own foot to grab his mint hoodie. 

considering this happens everyday, donghyuck thought they'd be used to it by now. 

still though, he chuckles when jaemin tries to leave his room with an obvious case of bedhead. 

he pulls him back, pats down the hair and pulls him in for one more kiss. "i love you," he mumbles against his boyfriend's lips before he moves away.

"i love you too," jaemin says to donghyuck's already retreating back, goofy smile on his lips as he watches him walk.