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Vanya doesn’t know what she’s doing here. Sitting on Five’s childhood bed, that hasn’t been touched in almost six years. In a room that hasn’t been occupied in six years. She feels confused, and lost.
Logically there are a traceable, tangible series of events that led here. Vanya is finally moving out. To go and do something with her life. Instead of rotting here at the academy. The last one to leave.
It had been just her, Luther, and dad for years now. Diego had been the last one to leave before Vanya. Allison before him, Klaus before her, then Ben, tragically, and finally Five, the very first to abandon their family.
His room had remained untouched for six years.
She doesn’t know why she’s sitting here, hands clasped together as she sits on the bed’s edge.
There are untouched memories in this room alongside the untouched books, and bedsheets. Moments where dads focused remained on their other siblings, and both Vanya and Five could do whatever they wanted, spend their time however they pleased.
She remembers, fondly, Five indulging her violin playing, when Vanya could see he actually didn’t like it all that much. His lies were pointless, and unneeded, she’s heard it all before from her mother and pogo (well-meaning) and their father (crisitising), Five’s comment wouldn’t be any worse.
It had meant a lot to Vanya that his words were positive. Had made her flush, and brush her long brown hair back off her face. Violin still clutched in her other hand, music still open in front of her on her small stand.
The stand in question had been packed away in her bags, ready to leave, alongside Vanya, for college.
It wouldn’t ever stand in that corner of Five’s room as music poured from her instrument. Five wouldn’t listen to the songs she played. Couldn’t hear how much she’s improved since he left.
There are a lot of things that won’t happen with Five once she leaves.
Him ever returning for a start.
The kitchen light still remains on at night. Sandwich still laid out on a plate for a boy that hasn’t made any appearance since he left.
She’s still hopeful, despite what her mind logically concludes after such a long absence.
In her mind there’s still been that hope that one day she’ll wake up in the night, and he’ll be there, eating, looking at her where she stands in the kitchen entryway. He’ll offer her the uneaten half of his sandwich, and they’ll eat in silence. No rush to learn the secrets they will no doubt share with each other eventually.
There've been a few other endings to this particular fantasies over the years, sometimes they end with Five getting teary when he sees her again (unrealistic), others he’s angry that she waited for him for so long (also unrealistic somehow). This current rendition feels the closest to the truth. No words, simply an acceptance between the two.
But that can’t happen, at least not here, when she leaves.
Vanya knows it won’t happen at any other home she has.
Maybe that’s why she’s sitting here then.
To let go of these ideas of Five.
She has more, but him coming back has always been the most important, most all consuming fantasy Vanya’s had. It has a basis in truth, where many didn’t.
But if she leaves that basis will vanish.
Maybe that's why she's avoided leaving for so long.
Because it’ll be over then.
She’ll be an adult, with an adult life, and adult responsibilities. Whole Five will remain in her memories as a young teenager. A friend. A companion. He’ll be eternalised in her childhood, while she’s forced to let go of the memories of him, of her hopes.
Vanya knows the second she’s free the grieving process will begin.
Because Five has been gone for six years. There’s nobody, nothing to confirm that her brother was dead, but it was clear as day to them all what had happened. He had time travelled, and gotten himself killed.
Vanya swallows heavily, maybe it’s already happening.
She doesn’t want to let go, is that a crime? Five meant the world to her, and he left, and abandoned her. Disappeared into the streets, never to be seen again. But they’d had good times together. He bothered to understand her. To talk to her. To befriend her.
He’d been a dick too. Full of himself, occasionally narcissistic and often self centred.
But his good had always shined through to her.
Him leaving had placed a stain over her whole childhood she struggled to comprehend, let alone remove.
But he’s still gone.
There will be no more moments shared between them. No matter how much she remembers the good, or attempts to conjure him with her own imagination of what could’ve been.
So leaving is a bigger challenge than just leaving behind her childhood, because she’s leaving behind Five too. Maybe she’ll make more friends, but he seems so significant.
Maybe in a year or two he won’t even matter (though she doubts it), but right now? She doesn’t want to leave his memory in this house.
But that’s where it’ll stay, because while Five escaped, to Vanya, his memory didn’t. Their time together remained here.
She had to leave it, because there will be others. But she wants there to only be Five. Wants that friendship. Longs for it.
But she can’t have it
Five’s gone.
Vanya’s alone sitting on his bed. She really should leave.
Five more minutes, she tells herself.
She’ll have a lifetime without him.