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Eunbi steels himself.
He's..
Crap, he thinks. He can't even refer to himself.
He's Eunbi, for now. He has to be Eunbi. He has nothing to call himself.
He looks at the "her" staring back at him in the mirror.
Disgusting.
He hates it. He hates it.
He gulps, a million things swarming his mind before Sojung knocks on his apartment door.
When Sojung arrives, Eunbi's nerves get replaced with butterflies overwhelming him.
He curses to himself, conflicted if his situation is lucky or some twisted fate that the universe bestowed upon him.
She kisses him, making that feeling in his stomach erupt into happiness.
"H-hello." He stammers out after their lips part.
Sojung chuckles at his response. "Well, I can't say I expected you to be this much of a mess."
She means that with the best intentions, but Eunbi admits to himself that he is a mess.
"So, what can I do for my lovely girlfriend today?" Sojung asks.
It stings.
It stings.
It stings.
He wants to cry out.
He wants to let her know how much it hurts him.
But Sojung doesn't even know.
Eunbi can't muster up the strength to tell her.
But he needs to.
Eunbi forces a smile.
"I wanted to talk about something."
He's lucky.
He's lucky.
That's what he keeps telling himself.
He has a wonderful girlfriend - someone who makes him crazy as much as he seemingly makes her.
But his words get stuck in throat the moment that he looks at her again.
She agrees to sit on the couch with him, and he takes her hand, gently. They face each other, and Eunbi sighs.
His heart is heavy.
He doesn't even realize that he is crying until Sojung is wiping his tears away.
His smile is still plastered upon his face, but the tears don't stop.
She kisses his forehead.
He's sorry.
Sorry he can't say anything.
She deserves to know.
It hurts.
He opens his mouth again, but he feels as if his words are being crushed back into his throat, shoved down until they manifest as tears.
His eyes are swollen, his face stained with tears, and his throat so hoarse, it feels as if it has been burned from the inside out.
He sighs.
"I don't know if you're still going to love me."
Sojung is taken aback by his statement, but she meets his eyes, ready to hear the rest of what he has to say.
I'm a man.
I'm a man.
He wishes those words left his mouth, but they couldn't.
He can't push it out.
"I..."
Just say it.
"Don't force yourself if it's tough." Sojung says.
"I'm ready to listen any time."
The tears come again.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
He says with a quiet voice, almost as if to reassure himself.
He doesn't know what he's doing. But he knows that he is kissing Sojung.
But it's rushed, sloppy, as Eunbi drags his lips over hers. Eunbi is desperate.
My heart is beating for you.
He looks at her, and his body goes through a myriad of reactions.
Fear continues to attack his system.
He wants anything else to replace it.
C'mon...
C'mon...
He leans in for another kiss, trying to regain his confidence.
Sojung reciprocates, and they continue to kiss.
His fear dissipates, slowly.
High on the effect that Sojung gives him, he squeezes out what he's wanted to say for so long.
"I'm a man."
It comes so suddenly, before Eunbi processes what he said.
Sojung stares at him, for a while, as the truth sinks in for her.
After all their time dating, finally, he could say what he wanted.
But he doesn't feel better.
At first, Sojung doesn't know what to say. It's a shock, yes, but more importantly she doesn't know what could hurt him.
His hand is no longer holding hers, as it retracts back when Sojung's silence sends shivers down his spine.
She hates me.
She hates me.
She hates me.
Eunbi sinks his face into the palms of his hands, bracing for Sojung's reaction.
"I'm sorry...I'm sorry because I know you fell in love with a woman and... that's not me."
Sojung continues to stay quiet, but her face doesn't show any expressions of anger either.
She seems sad.
"No, that's not how you should look at it." Sojung finally says.
"H-how else should I?"
A strained laugh comes out of Eunbi, perhaps trying to calm himself down, despite knowing that it wasn't working.
"I tried being happy by staying silent about it.
I tried telling myself that I should be grateful to have a woman who loved me for all that she saw.
I tried telling myself that if I said anything, I would just be making life harder for myself.
But, I couldn't deprive you of the relationship that you should have had."
Sojung knew that Eunbi was going through a tough time. He had been open within a limited extent about his body insecurities, and the two refrained from certain physical contact for that reason. At this time though, she wants nothing more to hold him and tell him that he is loved.
She holds back from saying anything until he finishes venting his emotions out.
But his voice, hoarse and cracking, speaks out words that break her heart.
He doesn't want Sojung to think that this is her fault.
The more he speaks, the more he thinks, the more he shuts his eyes, his pained emotions overcome him.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm -
"I'll still love you as my partner." Sojung interjects.
Eunbi doesn't say anything. He lowers his hands from his face, and looks at his girlfriend. He feels his throat still burning up, his face all red over, but the tears are starting to stop.
Some still roll down his face, and god, does he hate being vulnerable.
"Baby," she starts again, flinching at the sight of Eunbi's eyes meeting hers.
Eunbi stifles his sobs, and takes a deep breath.
At this point, Eunbi doesn't know what to say. He can't speak.
She tentatively reaches her hand out and then retracts, but Eunbi nods to tell her that she can touch him.
Waiting for Eunbi to stop shaking, kisses his cheek, and slowly wraps her arms around him. They've done this before, as a compromise to Eunbi's growing aversion to touch and what he's comfortable with.
But he's getting calm. He turns around, so that his back is facing her. She rests her arms around his waist, and gently hugs him from behind.
It's warm.
She noticed how unhappy he was.
She noticed how, increasingly, he wished to be alone.
She noticed how closed off he became.
She often wondered what she did wrong.
She always wants to support him.
He will be happy.
That's her hope.
The two talk, about the small adjustments that they will make towards their relationship.
Eunbi explains his point of view.
Sojung explains her point of view.
They talk for hours, with Eunbi held in Sojung's embrace.
Sojung enters Eunbi's apartment as his girlfriend, and leaves as his girlfriend.
That doesn't change. Nor does their affection towards each other.
Eunbi can start being himself.
My life is waiting for you.