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The cool breeze of the night caresses Doyoung’s face as he walks the path in the park. A phantom walks with him, holding his hand, talking with him, being with him. He’s never tried looking at the phantom, fearful of what it would mean. So, they walk through the park, stars blurred by the light posts, hand in hand.
Doyoung wakes from his slumber and stares at his hand. He can still feel the other’s hand holding his. He sighs. After convincing his limbs to move, he slowly stands. He slips his feet into slippers and walks to the kitchen. He looks at his sink full of dishes. He runs a hand through his disheveled hair.
“Damn.” He grabs a bowl from the pile, quickly cleans it, then sets it on the table. He goes to the pantry and gets some cereal and pours it into his bowl. He brings his breakfast to his hand-me-down couch and turns on the tv. He settles into the dip of the couch where the supports had given out many years ago and realizes he forgot his spoon. Too lazy to get up, he eats his cereal with his hand.
Hours pass while he drains his energy watching TV. No particular show is playing, not that he’s paying attention, anyways. His empty bowl sits beside him and his phone on the other side as he dozes off. Slow breaths flow through his lungs as he drifts in and out of consciousness.
Loud knocks disrupt his attempt at becoming unconscious. He rubs his eyes and takes a breath. The knocks come again. He leans forward and wills his legs to carry him to his apartment door. Doyoung looks through the peephole and sighs. He opens the door and a very bright Xiaojun rushes to hug him.
“Where have you been all day? I called you like a hundred times!” Xiaojun says.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I haven’t looked at my phone much today,” Doyoung shies, rubbing the back of his neck.
Xiaojun looks at Doyoung and Doyoung can feel himself fall apart. The way the pink haired boy looked at the older made him feel so small. He felt like his whole life was being examined, as though he were transparent and Xiaojun could see through every aspect of his facade, of his lie. The younger worriedly looked at Doyoung.
“Have you eaten? And if you have, are you still hungry? We were going to go out to grab some food.”
“We?”
“Yea, um, me, Lucas, Yong, Jae, and Yangyang. And you, if you wanted to come along.” Xiaojun’s eyes were wide, pleading. Possibly.
Doyoung nods. “Yea, sure. Let me go get changed.” The words left his mouth ever so quietly. Thankfully, Xiaojun heard them well.
“Great! Ok cool. Um we were just thinking of going to the McDonalds so you don’t need to be fancy or anything.” He takes a pause. Doyoung looks at him, watches his eyes sparkle, his mouth turn into a smile. He has the prettiest smile that Doyoung has ever seen. Every now and again, Doyoung is able to witness one of Xiaojun’s big smiles. Those are the prettiest. But usually, he only receives small ones, little turns of the corners of lips, small smirks, and that’s more than enough. “Did you want me to wait for you outside? Or….”
Doyoung is pulled out of his head once again. “Oh, you can come in if you’d like? I’ll only be a few so either way should be ok.” There’s that small smile again.
“Yea great. I’ll just wait inside then.”
“Ok.”
“Ok.”
Doyoung changes into a pair of jeans and a hoodie then grabs his stuff. The pair leave in Xiaojun’s car to go to the restaurant. Doyoung looks over at Xiaojun. He has one hand on the wheel, the other resting on the gear shift. At the red lights, the hand that was on the wheel would travel to touch his lips or run through his hair or would drum on the wheel. The two talked the whole time, soft music playing in the background. Small smiles were exchanged between the two. Small laughs were released into the air. Doyoung must have said something really funny because Xiaojun’s face lit up as he let out a loud laugh. Doyoung sighs.
“Bitchesssss. What took you so long?” Yangyang yells from the entrance.
“Traffic, idiot,” Xiaojun retorts.
Taeyong rolls his eyes. “Alright, now that everyone’s here, let’s go.”
The group gets their orders in and are given a table marker. They get their drinks and Yangyang drags them to a booth in the corner.
“But a table would give me actual leg room,” Lucas complains.
“Well not all of us are long you freak of nature,” Yangyang retorts.
“There is definitely not enough room in the booth for all of us,” Jaehyun adds.
Lucas emphatically points to Jaehyun “You see! I’m not the only one,” his eyes say.
“Oh come on, it won’t be that bad,” Taeyong tries to reason. “We won’t die or anything, plus there aren’t any available tables, so we should just take the booth.”
Jaehyun immediately complies. “Yeah, that’s true. Doubt anyone will move soon. But I’m not touching thighs with any of you though.”
“Ok, Jae gets one of the window seats,” Yangyang says as Lucas loudly announces, “Jaehyun you weak bitch! Traitor!”
Jaehyun only shrugs and goes to sit.
“Who wants the other window seat?”
“I’ll take it,” Doyoung says as he goes to sit.
“I’ll sit next to Doyoung.”
“And me next to Dejun.” Yangyang looks up to the other boys. “What about you guys?”
“I’ll sit next to Jae so Lucas can get that leg room,” Taeyong says as a small laugh escapes him.
The group settles into their tiny booth. They’re all squished, on both sides. Taeyong is getting pushed into Jaehyun by Lucas manspreading. Jaehyun smiles and wraps an arm around Taeyong’s waist, resulting in a small yelp. Doyoung finds himself squashed between the cold wall and Xiaojun’s warm thigh. Even though the people on his side are much smaller, they are still extremely squished. Doyoung can’t imagine what it’s like on the other side.
One of the employees brings their food to the table as they talk. They all scramble and struggle to get their food. A tray is set in the middle and they all dump their fries on the tray for communal usage.
“Lucas? You ok there bud? You look a lil sad. Is it cuz your boy Hendery isn’t working today?” Yangyang asks, a grin on his face.
Lucas scowls. “No. You’re just terrible for choosing a booth.”
“Mhm. Ok.”
“So, Doyoung, how’s work going? We haven’t seen you in a while.” Taeyong asks.
“Oh yea! How’s the project for that singing thing going?” Xiaojun turns to face Doyoung.
“It’s going ok. Progress is slow but steady, I guess. I’m just hoping I’m able to record it and submit it in time.”
Xiaojun nods. “If you need any help or support just hit me up. I’ve got you.”
Doyoung looks in his eyes and watches them sparkle with hope, happiness, love. Doyoung smiles. “Yeah, I will. Thanks.”
“Of course, of course.” He returns the smiles then turns back to eat.
The rest of the lunch goes like that. The occasional small talk with Doyoung then boisterous conversation with everyone else. Doyoung watches Xiaojun as he talks excitedly, falling in love with the way his hands get expressive when he’s passionate about the conversation. He watches him run his hands through his pink hair, probably getting some salt in his hair in the process. He watches Xiaojun light up the room when he smiles and obliterate the sun when he laughs. His laughter more beautiful than any melody Doyoung could sing. Then it happens, again. Xiaojun turns to Yangyang and smiles a smile that Doyoung will never receive. Then he leans in and the two kiss. Doyoung’s heart shatters for the millionth time. He looks away to see Jaehyun’s eyes trained on him. Doyoung looks out the window.
“Eww oh my god. Get that PDA out of here!” Lucas yells while throwing a napkin at the couple.
Giggles rise out of them and then they go back to normal, like nothing happened. Doyoung just sits there, motionless. He’s happy for them. He’s so, so happy for them. His jaw clenches. They were meant for each other but him and Xiaojun weren’t. That's all. Doyoung supports the couple. He loves the couple. Doyoung was just never meant for Xiaojun. Maybe if he'd met the pink haired boy before Yangyang, he would have had a chance. But fate's funny that way. Doyoung loves Xiaojun, platonically. Completely platonically. And he's so happy for the couple.
He looks over at the pink haired boy. He watches him light up at everything Yangyang says. He watches the two be perfectly in sync, have the perfect chemistry. He tries to smile. He tries to be happy. He really does.
Doyoung gets dropped off at his apartment. He heads back to his couch and turns on the TV. He feels sleep lull him down to unconsciousness. He slips and meets the phantom once again. They hold hands as they walk down the path in the park. The cold breeze hugs them. He never looks to see the phantom. Too scared because he already knows that no one is there.