Chapter Text
Sunlight peaks through the glass windows as Jeno walks into the kitchen in their newly found home. It is going to be a peaceful morning, Jeno thinks, as 80s music from their neighbor’s radio echo through the living room.
The past weeks had been so hectic for the couple. They never found the time to actually learn and explore the new town they will be calling their abode for the next few years, so, they have decided to finally get to know the place. Planning isn’t really a thing they do so the only plan for the day was walking around and stopping by shops that catches their eye.
As he was heating up the pan in the stove, faint voices of laughter filled his ears. Curious, Jeno peeked by the window only to see little children running around someone’s garden.
Toy airplanes and ships enveloped by their tiny hands soar throughout the air above them as makeshift capes tied around their necks flutter in the wind. These three little boys ran around excitedly, feeling like the lands of the world were within their grasps. It was heartwarming, really, to see children, all bright smiles lighting up their faces as they breeze through their younger years.
A snapshot of a memory flashes within Jeno’s head as a bittersweet smile makes its way onto his lips. He redirects his attention to the frying pan in front of him.
A lot has changed within these years.
-
Jeno, Jaemin, and Renjun met through a fight. A particularly silly fight. After all, they were just young, innocent children who wanted to explore every inch of the world that laid in front of their eyes.
“I got here first!” Little Jaemin furrows his brows, stomping his feet against the ground of the playpark in their hometown. Minuscule grains of sand fills the empty spaces of his black converse shoes.
“Well, I was already here in the park. I just haven't gone near the swing yet. So, I’m actually the first one to get here!” Little Renjun crosses his arms as he glares at the two boys in front of him, wrinkling and making creases on his yellow jacket.
“But I always come here every day.” Little Jeno whispers under his breath, tugging on the threads of a mint green fleece sweater. His head was bowed, refusing to look at the two boys in front of him but also not backing down.
Looking back at the memory, Jeno found it rather amusing how their own trio started.
Jeno was glad that their mothers interfered in the fight before it got too physical. Little Renjun, Jeno, and Jaemin were taught that they could share the swing and play together— or even better, play with other parts of the playpark where the three of them could use on their own so no one gets left behind.
He remembers all the fun, the excitement and glee he experienced that winter afternoon and how three five-year-olds found a friend in each other that day.
And so, the three planned to come back to the playpark the next day, same time. And soon those days became weeks, then months, then suddenly Jeno found himself two best friends he knew he could count on. They found themselves enrolled in the same middle school, some years even being classmates together.
Little Jeno would have never thought he would find such heartwarming friendship from the little boys who seem to be too intimidating for his liking, Jeno thought.
But here he is. Few years later, and nothing still tops his relationship with Na Jaemin and Huang Renjun. The bond that lies within the trio remains undefeatable.
-
Jeno mixes the pancake batter in a porcelain bowl with a wooden spoon then grabs a ladle from one of the cabinets of their kitchen shelves. A memory slides in unto Jeno’s head.
Whilst scanning for important pieces needed for their new home, Jeno remembers being handed the wooden ladle with intricate patterns tattooed along its handle. It didn’t fail to remind Jeno of how once soft brushes dipped in acrylic danced along the surface of a canvas in their old art room in high school. His mother handed it to him with a gentle smile.
“Mom, this is-” “I know.” His mother cuts him off. Jeno stares dumbfoundedly at his mother’s eyes.
“I know a lot of people have been telling you to do this for so long and I’m glad you have finally made the decision.” The warm words float along the static noise of the store. She continues, “However, I don’t want you to forget Jeno. I don’t want you to pretend like nothing happened; not when you’ve lived your whole life with it.”
She stared at her son’s eyes with so much sincerity, Jeno can’t be helped but be drawn in. “Jeno, you don’t need to erase everything.” She held his son’s hands, kindness flowing into the touch. “Rather, be happy everything happened. Be thankful. Treasure what you had.”
Jeno remembers how he embraced his mother so tight in that narrow aisle of a store. How the conversations went through that night, how it ended in warm promises, and how affectionate kisses were shared as midnight strikes and the spell of slumber visited their bodies.
A smile slips upon his face. The sides of the almost cooked pancake were turning golden brown. Life goes on.
Jeno hears the bedroom door creak as it opens, light footsteps making its way to the kitchen. He looks up from the kitchen stove and gazes longingly at the man in front. Soft hair tousled, his slender fingers rubbing along his eyelids as it lightly hits his soft eyelashes.
“Good morning.” The man languidly greets Jeno, the spell of slumber still trying to catch up on him. A smile slips on Jeno’s face.
“Good morning, Jaemin.”
Seeing Jaemin wake up in a house they call their own never fails to bring another variation of warmth along Jeno’s chest.
And although Jeno still feels that bare space, the little emptiness in his heart, he tries to fill it up with gratitude, the feeling of how every happy memory gives him joy and is filled with so much adoration and love. He clings onto it until he learns to embrace it with all his heart, until the space fills in by itself over time. He couldn’t be more thankful spending the rest of his years with Jaemin, anyway.
-
Jaemin settles down on the dining table as Jeno turns the kitchen stove off and fetches the now-finished stack of pancakes and the pot of coffee from the machine. As everything is settled in, Jeno sits down on the opposite side of Jaemin, ready for the breakfast laid out in front of them on this peaceful Sunday morning.
“You know, you could have woken me up so I can help you.” Jaemin smiles through his words as he picks up the maple syrup across the table, a slightly teasing tone lacing in his words.
Jeno sees through Jaemin’s lines and snickers within the comment.
“You know I don’t mind. I always liked doing this anyways.” Jeno’s words were light and yet, they were sincere. So sincere they seemed like a window to his heart. And even though it wasn’t heard, Jeno can hear Jaemin’s silent reply through his light smile.
I know.
No words follow after their short conversation as they continue to eat their breakfast in silence, allowing them to enjoy the other’s presence in the comfortable atmosphere.
While working on a piece, Jeno sneaks a peek at the man seated in front of him.
Jaemin is still in his pajamas, his smooth fingers gripping the butter knife in his hands as he slices a piece of syrup-coated pancake in his plate. The sun graces its touches on his tilting face, highlighting his features: his bright eyes as it glistens in the morning light, his beautiful lips that can smile so wide.
Jeno wonders how in the many years he’s known Jaemin, he still manages to take Jeno’s breath away; how despite seeing so many faces of him, the good and the ugly, and even those he probably have not explored yet, Jeno will always be enamored with Jaemin, will always choose to stay by his side.
Perhaps this is love, Jeno whispers in his head.
-
Jeno doesn’t know when he started to fall in love with Jaemin. It all came so naturally. Maybe it came so flawlessly after all the years they’ve spent together.
Jeno, however, remembers how Jaemin has always constantly reminded him how love is, and how much it has given him.
“What’s taking them so long?” Jaemin asks as they sit on the grass below their usual tree at lunchtime during their high school days. It was one of those years where Jaemin and Jeno share the same classes while Renjun and Donghyuck share another. Jaemin and Jeno’s classes ended earlier before the school bell rang and so were the first to arrive in the usual spot.
“Well, only a few minutes before the bell rings so they’ll arrive sooner, Jaem.” Jeno speaks, his focus on reading the book in his hands remains unbothered. He hears Jaemin puff an air in his nose.
“I’m hungry and I want to eat my lunch now.” Jeno may be looking down in his reading material but he knows the pout in Jaemin’s face is present. Jeno holds himself a snicker.
A few minutes pass by as silence lulls them into peace. Wanting to take a break from absorbing all the ideas and information from the paragraphs laid in front of him, Jeno looks up as he readies himself in starting a conversation with Jaemin. And yet, nothing could have prepared him with the scene in front of him.
Jaemin leaning back with his arms, eyes closed as his head looks up to the unseen sky covered by the trees they have seek shelter on. Patches of sunlight touches Jaemin’s face as they glow on his skin, a smile present upon his features.
And in that moment, Jeno knew what love is.
Love is when you feel satisfaction running through the course of your veins, warmth growing in the center of your chest whenever you see someone you love immerse in their own high spirits. How much joy grows beneath your skin when you see the person you’ve treasured so much held treasures of his own. Love is when a witness of your loved one’s happiness is a happiness of your own.
And Jeno knows Jaemin is finding happiness in this moment, these little bits of peaceful seconds in their life. The smile on Jaemin’s face says so.
Jaemin opens his eyes, the smile still evident on his lips, “I can’t wait for them to come.”
Jeno hums, lifting up the corners of his own mouth. Love is happiness shared through others’ own.
“Me too.”
-
“So how is work going on nowadays?” Jeno slips himself out of the trance that he is when words come out of Jaemin’s mouth. And just like that, the two find themselves in soothing conversations of catching up after being so busy for the last few days.
Jeno supposes this is how life works. Nothing really stays the same, even those bonds you’ve formed from trusted fellows from years ago. People grow, and so people change. And maybe that is why change is the only thing constant in this world, because those who run it will never be the same person they were yesterday.
And yet, despite the changes as they face the ever-inconstant world, some people chose to stay. They chose to uncover every new part of themselves they have attached, learn every new corner they discovered in each other’s towns.
And to Jeno, that was what mattered: the choice, the willingness of going through everything despite the change, especially with the change. Everything may change in this world, but those who remain despite our changes will be our constants.
(And yet, it doesn’t mean leaving is bad. Walking away isn’t something one should be afraid of. It simply meant the changes in life was a sign that it was no use, no other reason for them to stay. We don’t condone those who walk away. We became thankful rather that they happened.)
As soon as the conversation fades as words don’t form anymore to keep it going, Jeno scans their living room. His eyes land on the different picture frames sitting in the table placed below their mounted TV, each having their own story to tell.
Jeno lands his eyes on a picture frame. It wasn’t really a properly developed photo. Rather, it was a polaroid. The guy in the picture seemed like he wasn’t prepared for the shot with his back facing the camera only having his neck turned towards the front, as if someone just tapped his shoulder for a photo.
Seemingly unprepared, innocence crawls within the features of the man’s face with some hint of confusion and curiosity probably.
The polaroid wasn’t supposed to fit in the picture frame but Jaemin decorated it in a way like the frame was some ripped page from a scrapbook: very creative. Jeno smiles and hides a small laugh within the back of his throat. Renjun would be proud of it.
-
Just like with Jaemin, falling in love with Renjun was something Jeno hadn’t noticed nor remembered. Loving them was… easy. They slided so perfectly into Jeno’s heart and Jeno accepted them with open arms.
And yet, Jeno will always find himself in moments where they remind him of what it feels like to love, to slip from the borders of friendship and harbor so much adoration to the ones he resides so much affection: unnoticed, unplanned but never unwelcomed.
Jeno opens the door to the art room down in the end of the hallway, squeaking sounds echoing the almost empty area. It was already afternoon and classes were already finished a few hours ago, signaling the lack of students hovering the school halls.
Renjun looks up from the canvas his brushes have tainted upon and focuses his sight from the source of the sound. When he sees Jeno, he curls his lips to a smile.
“Your basketball practice ended already?” Renjun asks as he continues to dance his hands along the brush, guiding them to form soft patterns.
“Yeah. Jaemin says the council meeting would probably end in an hour from now.” Jeno closes the door behind him as he finds a stool to place beside Renjun and sit upon.
“Oh yeah. Mark hyung and the others said they wanted to go to the arcade this weekend. Are you guys gonna come?” Renjun asks as he dips the brush into two different sets of paints, colors swirling along its tips.
“Sure.”
A peaceful silence covers the air as Renjun continues to paint while Jeno watches as the minutes pass by. It was calming if you were to ask Jeno.
As the afternoon sun showers around the room’s clear glass windows, Jeno absorbs the scene in front of him.
Renjun tilting his head as he focuses pats along the canvas with his brush, creating specific textures on the artwork. His cheek is covered with paint in the shades of pink and yellow and blue, the other hand focused on gripping on the palette. As the window adjacent to them is open, a light gush of wind enters as it ruffles some strands of his hair, making it glisten more in the sunset light.
And once again, Jeno learns what love is.
Love is a feeling so familiar yet so nostalgic at the same time sinking in the pit of your stomach. A dawn of realization arises within the back of your head as you navigate through the streets yet to be walked in the town of someone you have loved with all your heart. It’s those moments that you learn something new from someone you thought you’ve known so much and yet the yearning of learning more only grows tenfold – love is like that.
Looking back, he wishes he could have discovered more. He wishes he could witness it all over again.
Renjun pauses from gliding his brush as he notices Jeno staring, “Is there something wrong?”
Jeno smiles, the corner of his eyes wrinkling. Love is learning and understanding.
“Nothing.”
-
Jaemin doesn’t retaliate when Jeno offers to do the dishes, he just knows.
Words don’t need to be spoken for these conversations; they’ve already expressed the messages for so many years.
As Jaemin closes the door of their shared bedroom, Jeno recalls the artwork that has caught his attention while scanning their living room during breakfast. Jeno shifts his head to look at the painting once again, lingering his gaze on the said craft.
The dishes on his hands were slightly forgotten as memories crashed into his head. The pain in his heart slowly crawls back again, inching its way for it wants to conquer the poor muscle in the center of his chest.
And although light, something that was barely there, Jeno’s eyes painted hurt and agony all over again.
It was a portrait of Jeno and Jaemin in their high school art room.
-
Jeno wasn’t blind. He knows the tension between their friendship. It’s not like the longing stares and the lingering touches they reserve for each other was something that is offered to those who you would consider just as ‘friends’. He knew that beneath those years of platonic relationship, romance has been growing steadily all along.
Everything is right where it’s supposed to be, Jeno thought.
And so, he decided to take the big leap: he confessed to Jaemin the day before enrolling in college.
Looking back, Jeno wonders what could have happened if he never did it. He wonders what the future could have been if he never pulled Jaemin into the back of the arcade building and spilled all the secrets his heart had kept.
Questions conquered Jeno’s head.
Would he have developed his relationship with Jaemin?
Would they have lived together with him after they graduated?
Would they have found this simple and humble abode they could call home?
Would Renjun have stayed?
There is no use of dwelling in the thoughts, anyway, Jeno reminds himself. This is what they have right now. Renjun might have left, but this is their present.
Jeno tucks away his worries. Life goes on.
-
The closing of their bedroom door can be heard as Jeno finishes dressing himself up, walking into their living room as Jaemin relaxes on the sofa, his one hand clutching on a digital camera and the other scrolling through his phone.
Hearing the footsteps of his lover, Jaemin looks up and smiles at Jeno.
“Let’s go?”
As the two head out the door, the two pick up the necessary items they decide to bring along their little tour. Jeno grabs the house key with a rabbit and crown keychain hanging on it, one of the other items they have won from continuously playing that mini claw machine in the arcade. The other fox keychain, however, is no longer with them for it is under the possession of someone no longer in their side.
Taking one last glance of the place in front of him before closing the door, Jeno realizes. This is it; this is our new home. We’re moving on, Renjun. We’re moving on without you.
The front door was shut, and the systems of the knob locked into place.
Wherever you may be right Renjun, we hope you are doing fine.
-
Footsteps were light along the concrete road as Jaemin and Jeno walked along the sidewalks of the town and so far it has been nothing but ideal.
The place itself was beautiful, trees were swaying along the soft dances of wind, hushed conversations filled the area as people move in their own businesses managing the morning: some were waiting for some shops to open, a few were already heading out from different establishments with their hands filled, while others were simply taking their morning walks.
His eyes glaze over Jeno, who is busy scanning the different shops they pass by.
“Look, Jaemin. They’re selling cute placemats!” Jaemin redirects his gaze to where Jeno is pointing at, a cup of coffee in his hand.
Behind the large glass of a shop lies a wooden dining table in an elevated platform, decorated to appeal whoever passes by the shop. Rectangular placemats hover the surface while golden-covered utensils lay on top of them, a candle situated on the center. Jaemin focuses his vision on the placemats. A smile escapes on his face. Yeah, they suit the theme of their own interior alright.
“Do you want to go inside?” Jaemin asks Jeno, mirth present in his voice. Jeno turns to face Jaemin, gentleness painted across his face.
“Only if you want to.”
As he absorbs the beauty in front of him, Jaemin cannot help but value what blooms in his heart right now. He welcomes the feeling with open arms.
“Sure, why not?”
-
Steps were slow and time-consuming as the pair scan over the house pieces and furniture in front of them, trying to grasp the beauty these pieces hold. When they spot the placemats that have caught their attention, Jeno lifts the item and examines it, running his hands over the weaves of its synthetic ropes.
“I wonder if they have a different color though.” Jaemin runs his fingers on one of the placemats with the same design laid in the table.
“Same. The design matches but the color is too dark for our interior.” Jeno replies, slightly puckering his lips at the thought. Jaemin holds a giggle in his throat from escaping.
Footsteps were heard coming along their way, catching the attention of the two. A woman seemingly around her thirties wearing what seems to be like the store uniform if the polo shirt and khaki pants gave it away, asking if they need any sort of assistance into which the two share their inquiry.
“Oh sure! Let me check first.” The woman opens her hands towards Jeno as he places the item to the other’s possession.
As the woman walks away with her footsteps fading, sounds of the air conditioner fill their ears along with the soft voices of the other customers in the shop.
“So, what do you think of the town?” Jeno whips his head towards Jaemin only to be greeted with a tilting head as an expectant smile is plastered on his face.
“Well, I think it’s a beautiful town.” Jeno smiles as he looks over the large glass windows behind Jaemin, seeing families, couples, and individuals walk along the sidewalk.
Jaemin focuses on Jeno. The way light reflected in his eyes, his jaws flexing as he tried to focus on what he had been looking at. His cheeks are a little puffed since he is lifting the tips of his mouth. His smooth skin is glowing amidst the daylight, soft strands of hair settling neatly in his forehead.
Despite the years that passed, Jaemin knows the Jeno standing in front of him is still the same Jeno that was playing with his fingers in the sandy playground, the same Jeno that he accompanied with as they walk down the school hallways.
“Me too.” Jaemin replies. “I think so too.”
-
Jaemin remembers that time Jeno and him walked home together. Colors of orange and yellow fill their vision as it hovers to wherever it can reach. The trio is currently missing their other third since Renjun decided to stay longer in finishing his art project which was months due.
Typical Renjun always trying to overexert his effort when it comes to art, Jaemin thinks. And although he has known Renjun for years, written that detail in the back of his head, he cannot help but escape the whines lying in his throat.
“Why does Renjun have to like art so much?” his lips automatically purse at the thought as he lightly stomps his feet, making Jeno turn his head to his best friend and laugh.
“You know that’s how he is, Jaem. We can’t do anything about that.”
The reply only makes Jaemin pout his lips even further. “But still.”
A cry of a young voice catches their attention and sees a little girl crouched further in the sidewalk they were walking in, trying to wipe her snot and tears with the back of her hand.
Jeno immediately runs to the girl, Jaemin following after. As they reached the little girl’s level, Jaemin chose to sit beside the girl.
“Hello, darling. What’s wrong? Are you lost?” Jeno runs his hands towards the girl’s hair instead of her back.
The girl nodded. “I c-can’t find m-mommy.” She sniffs as she wipes her face with her sleeve, scattering the tears and the snot all over her face.
Jeno pulls out a tissue from his bag and wipes the little child’s face properly. When he deems the child clean, he holds the child’s face with so much gentleness in his touch and in the features of his face.
“How about we get you to someone who can help you so they can find mommy? Will that be okay for you?” Jeno’s statement makes the little girl nod eagerly, a smile slowly forming in her lips into which Jeno’s mimics.
As he watches the scene unfold before him, Jaemin realizes that maybe this is why he fell in love in the first place. Whenever he sees Jeno at his most vulnerable, the most of what the young boy can offer a piece of himself, it only draws Jaemin further.
The feeling of being able to bring the most of what you can give all at the same time show to the world yourself in your most vulnerable form.
Conversations between Jeno and the little girl continue as they walk towards the police station of their town, explaining the situation to the officer as soon as they arrive.
A few minutes later, a woman seemingly in her thirties ran towards the glass doors of the station, worry written all over her face. The little girl releases herself from Jeno’s grasp and runs to the woman – seemingly her mother.
As the touching reunion unfolds, Jaemin tries to catch a glimpse of Jeno and surely there it was: eyes disappearing as he smiles with so much fervor.
Jaemin has seen Jeno smile a million times in his life and yet he knows this smile is special. It is the smile of being able to give back, a smile of returning some sort of present to the universe.
To witness Jeno in this, Jaemin wants to stay by his side and see everything with his own eyes. He holds it dearly, this opportunity. He’d be there till the end.
-
“Thank you for shopping, please come again!”
Warm air and sunlight welcome the two as they exit the shop. Jaemin should have expected it, but there was something about the light that hits their skin that feels so fresh and refreshing. Like it was there to make me feel born again, Jaemin thought.
He focuses on the tree swaying near the lamppost across the street: how it sways in the morning breeze, consuming away the energy of the sun as it shelters those who chose to stay away from the morning light.
He sees young teenagers, who seem to be siblings, play around with each other as they poke their fingers to the other’s sides with their parents a few steps behind them, seemingly enjoying the sight.
There it is again: that familiar tug in his heart. Jaemin finds it so astounding, how life seems to create so many beautiful things that makes your heart want to cry. How these simple things seem to capture so many portraits you would like the whole world to know.
Jaemin remembers a certain boy and his brown-tinted hair as they are glazed by the sun. He remembers the smooth skin he would always long to touch, to grasp on. He remembers the smile that seems to twinkle even in daylight.
The tug in Jaemin’s heart curls, twisting and pulling more harshly as pain slowly surfaces. A bitter taste lingers in the back of his mouth.
Maybe it was so hard to not remember, not associate every little thing. Maybe it was the long years they have spent so much time together. Maybe it was the mountain of feelings they harbor and the intensity of how they invested in it.
It's been so long since his presence has disappeared, but Jaemin still finds himself thinking about Renjun. Not necessarily longing for him, just remembering his existence. He has spent enough time doing that, he shouldn’t linger on the thought. Does he?
Maybe Jaemin still seeks for Renjun, after all.
-
Memories flood to that one time where Jaemin and Renjun were in the soccer field, sitting on the grass as they waited for Jeno’s practice to be over. Distant noises of shouting players fill their senses as they absorb the comfortable silence between the two of them, their legs sprawled out in the field with their bags laying near them. Jaemin likes it this way: how even in the absence of conversations, they still find themselves enjoying each other’s presence. He supposes it’s their thing.
Jaemin hears a gasp beside him and turns to look at Renjun, who was busy looking up at the sky.
Renjun taps Jaemin’s shoulder, not knowing the other is already looking at him.
“Look, Jaemin! Some of the stars are already out!” Renjun spares a quick glance at him before looking back above.
Jaemin refocuses his gaze and sure enough, specks of white appear in the seemingly faded blue sky. It isn’t really that clear yet seeing that from their own vision, the sun was still trying to fade away into the horizon but nonetheless they were there.
Jaemin looks back to Renjun, who was still busy looking up with his eye twinkling in amazement at the almost night sky.
“Look! There's Orion! And there’s the Ursa Major! Wait, is that the Aquarius? But it can’t be easily viewed by the naked eye though so it’s probably not that.”
As Renjun rants about the stars, Jaemin cannot help but notice how much life there is residing in Renjun’s voice. How the excitement lingering cannot be contained as they spill through the shine in Renjun’s eyes as they form in tiny moons with so much of his cheeks squishing it.
“Did you know that Aquarius has a nebula in it called Saturn Nebula?”
Jaemin really couldn’t care about the nebula nor the stars nor what they mean but could he really resist when he can take the pleasure of seeing Renjun talk so much about it with so much vigor and life?
“Really, why?”
“It’s because it has a ring in it that resembles Saturn.”
“Wait, nebulas have rings?”
A hearty laugh escapes from Renjun. Jaemin wants to hear it again. “You’re funny, Nana.”
Renjun teaches Jaemin how happiness doesn’t only come in moments you would bookmark in your head. Sometimes, they come in the form of fleeting memories, passing minutes one would often choose to let go instead of keeping it in your grasp. Happiness wasn’t something only limited to memories we deem important but are also found in the mundane ones as well, we just got to look into it deeper.
“Well, I’m glad to be some sort of entertainment for you, Injunnie.” Jaemin sends a wink towards Renjun in which the other rolls his eyes with.
“You’re such a cheese ball.”
-
“Jaem?”
Jaemin snaps his head towards Jeno, who was gazing at him with worried looks on his face.
“Are you okay? You spaced out a little bit.”
For a split second, Jaemin studies Jeno’s face. He recalls one specific memory in his head, as other memories seem to pass by in a flash, seemingly fading in the background. As he replays that specific memory, the hidden words in his head and heart seem to resurface, even if he has long buried them.
Where did we go wrong?
When the words have reached the surface for long enough, Jaemin tries to sink it in, pushes them deep within to hide them again.
He will go back to those thoughts someday, but not now. He spent so much time years ago dwelling on them. He needs to give himself some space before coming back to them.
“Let’s go.”
-
Jaemin never expected Jeno to confess to him that one summer afternoon, as they duck themselves away from the rest of the world. He remembers how Jeno pulled him from the rest and took him to the secrets behind the arcade buildings. When Jeno slips out the words in his mouth, sweet as candy and pure as white, Jaemin feels himself freeze all over his body.
Never have he expected for the day to come.
When the revelation comes out, Jaemin reminisces to the memories they share.
His friendship with Jeno and Renjun has always been something Jaemin held close to his heart. There was just something with them and the way they make Jaemin feel so happy, how they make his days so much brighter, how he treasures so much more of the rush in his veins and the chills in his skin whenever it's these two involved. And he knows it's not him alone.
"I love you, Jaemin. I really do. And I don't know when all of these feelings started but when I realized they were there, it was all too late for me. They were too big for me to take them down and leave them all by themselves."
Jaemin remembers Jeno blurting out the words in his mouth. He remembers seeing the anxiousness and nervousness written on Jeno, if his stiff posture and the little beads of sweat in his face didn't say so.
"Jaemin, I love you."
Jeno takes a pause but Jaemin doesn't say anything. He knows there is something more.
"And I love Renjun too."
There it was.
"Loving you both was so easy for me it easily succumbs me whole. Even though I know I am my own person and I can always live by myself just fine, you both never fail to bring out the best of me. Life turns into something more beautiful when I am with you both."
A smile slips unto Jaemin's face because he feels the same. Something that has gone unspoken for years is finally on the light.
"Now that we're going to college, I want to settle things down. I want to make it official."
Jaemin freezes once again. Is he gonna?
"Can you both be my boyfriends?"
Jaemin feels his heart flip. He feels some sting within the corner of his eyes but ignores it, as he flashes Jeno the most pure-hearted smile he could muster.
"Jeno, I would certainly love to. I love you too, you know. I love both of you and Renjun. But why didn't you tell Renjun to come here as well?"
Jeno bites his lip.
"I wanted to do it with you. I don't think I can handle doing all the talking by myself. It feels like I am going to explode if I confess to you both at the same time."
Typical Jeno. Words have never been something that belonged in his love language, anyway. Jeno has always been more to showing love to the people he cares about through gifts and affection. Jaemin stifles a short giggle.
"Well then, let's go."
-
Jaemin knows there was nothing to regret over the memory but he could never wonder what he would do if he were given a chance to go back in time. There wasn't anything he would like to change with the memory. It was perfect. What he wanted to change was the moments before it, before Jeno pulled him into secrecy. When they were all still together.
When he still saw Renjun.
Jaemin would probably absorb every feature of Renjun, every speck in his face. He would appreciate how Renjun's hair would glisten in the sunlight, how they pass through the strands easily. He would indulge himself into Renjun, Jaemin never leaving his touch on the other.
If he would have the chance and the courage, he would probably kiss Renjun then and there, indulge himself into his own feelings despite whatever that comes right after. He would do things he couldn't do, things he would suppress from doing before.
Or maybe he would even find it in himself to scream at Renjun, confront him of everything. Beg him to tell them the truth, or to what they could do to make him stay.
Jaemin can only imagine.
He can never cherish the same beauty ever again. He couldn't do whatever he wanted to do with Renjun, the affection he has harbored has never reached the other side. Jaemin will never be able to admire and adore Renjun again, even for the last time.
Renjun went to China for college.
He never came back.
-
Jaemin stops on his tracks and looks up, seeing the deep blue hue of the sky above them, as fluffy clouds float in the high air. Jaemin tries to shield away the bright sun with his hands, as some of it passes through his fingers.
Jaemin knows they can't just forget about Renjun or leave them out of their story even if they wanted to. The years and the feelings that come along with it are testament of how much value there is to his presence and existence for the both of them.
But they will try to at least move forward. It will probably take baby steps for them, slow and maybe painful, as the space in their hearts will have to be meddled upon for it to heal, but they will do it. For the both of us. For Renjun.
Jaemin takes a step and walks forward.
-
That fated day felt like a blessing and a curse all at the same time for Jeno and Jaemin. They remember leaving their hideout to look for Renjun only for the rest to inform them that Renjun went home first because he had to do something urgent.
Maybe that could have been the first bad omen that they should have noticed. That seemingly disgusting swirl in their stomach should have been their first sign of something unimaginable, something seemingly dreadful was going to happen. Maybe because they were too absorbed in the electric feeling lingering in their skin to notice the twists in their stomachs. Maybe it was because they chose not to bother Renjun for he could be dealing with something very important.
Maybe it was the thought of "We can talk to Renjun tomorrow. There will be time."
Alas, the two have decided to confront Renjun the next day, after their college admissions. They both take it as a sign that maybe the universe has planned this as a fresh start for the three of them, hope and delight dancing along their faces. Oh, sweet summer children.
The next day passes by like a blur for Jeno and Jaemin as they process their papers, both busy in their own work. Both had not seen Renjun that whole day, nor have they heard a word for him.
Maybe that was another sign they should have paid attention to. The lack of inquiries, the seemingly absence of Renjun's presence even through their simplest form of communication. Maybe because they were too busy, their hands too full to wallow themselves in worry over Renjun, for they know Renjun was capable of doing things on his own. Maybe because they believed that Renjun, just like them, was busy. And the arts and sciences building was quite far from Jeno and Jaemin's engineering and physics building.
And yet what remains unsurfaced will eventually find its way to the front to tell its story.
As afternoon falls, the worry and distress circling within their guts are finally enough to make them feel nauseous as Jeno and Jaemin meet up after the eventful day, with no trace of Renjun's presence. The two have sent numerous texts, ranging from unease to upset to anger to fear to just... worry. After a few attempts of calling their other third, Jeno and Jaemin finally decided to visit Renjun in their home.
They arrive at the Huang's doorstep expecting answers but only to be greeted by Mrs. Huang, Renjun still not yet seen. Questions and confusion filled both of them only to be stopped by Mrs. Huang's words.
"You didn't know? Renjun left on a plane to China earlier this morning."
What?
"Well, I can't blame you. Me and my husband were only informed yesterday as well. Apparently, Renjun applied to a university in China through a testing center here in Korea and he got in. And I guess he only found out yesterday and the college admission is already a few days from now? He was in a hurry on packing his things so he could catch the earliest flight."
What? Renjun never mentioned going to college in China. He never mentioned going to another university at all. The three of them have always planned to go to their local university. It was like an unspoken rule already. So how?
"Renjun never mentioned to us going to college in China." Jaemin murmurs in his breath with Jeno in his side, still in a daze.
"He hasn't mentioned it to us too. But he did say that he always wanted to try out on this university if he were given the chance. Maybe it was his dream school, after all."
It didn't click on Jeno and Jaemin. It never did even until now.
"Why did he leave so soon, though? He still has a few days right?"
"I guess it's because he still has some papers to prepare and process."
Both Jeno and Jaemin left empty-handed. Neither of them spoke as they walked away, disappointment and just utter confusion written in their faces. Even when they parted, only a simple 'bye' was heard from the two. They just hoped to see Renjun again. Will they still see him again, though?
School is coming up in a few weeks and there is still a need to adjust to the new environment so the chances of Renjun coming back was slim. Frustration, astonishment, and just raw disappointment settled with the two. Everything was just so... confusing. It all just seems so off.
Jeno and Jaemin never felt so much hurt their entire lives. Hurt that Renjun never told them about this. Hurt that Renjun never told them he had the plan of leaving them. Hurt that Renjun had the thought of leaving them.
But did he? He looked so happy here. He looked so happy with them. Didn't his eyes twinkle in every second passing he spent with them? Weren't his words filled with wonder as he spoke so much of the beauty of the world? They were sure Renjun felt that homeliness with their presence, in this town they called their home.
Renjun was happy with their home. And yet.
Confusion rises once again and both Jaemin and Jeno fall into an unending cycle of their whirlwind of emotions, with no way out as they have always led themselves to a dead end.
Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months.
It didn't help that the Huangs were moving back to China as well, the only solid link they have with Renjun.
Whatever hope that was lighting within Jeno and Jaemin has slowly withered as time passes by. So Renjun just left? Without even a proper goodbye?
There was so much rage, so much disappointment and devastation within their group as they bombarded Renjun with angry, frustrated text and video messages. Not that Renjun will see it, for they know his Korean number isn't working anymore.
Months turned into years.
Until one day, while Jeno and Jaemin were in third year college, Chenle receives a voice message from an unknown number. The audio starts with the sound of lightning strike, heavy rain clearly heard in the background. For a while, Chenle thinks it might be just a prank message.
But everything is forgotten when they hear a voice speak.
"Hello, Chenle? Is this still your number? It's me, Renjun."
A sniffle is heard from the voice.
"Ha, you're all probably mad at me right now for just contacting you all. Or maybe disappointed. Or both. Whatever. "
A pause.
"I just wanted to say that-"
A broken sob comes out of Renjun's voice in the audio.
"I'm sorry. I know I'm three years late but I'm sorry."
Sounds of hiccups and sobs fill the audio for a few seconds.
"I'm stupid. I'm really stupid. I really am."
They hear Renjun take a deep breath.
"One day, I hope I'll be able to find you all. You don't even need to forgive me. I just want to apologize properly."
Another pause.
"I hope you would all know that I really did treasure our friendship, everything we had."
They hear Renjun let out a choked sob one last time.
"I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world. Thank you for everything."
The audio cuts off.
-
They couldn't find it in themselves to be furious at Renjun anymore after that. They wanted to go wherever Renjun is and just give him their warmest hugs, the tightest of their embraces.
All those years of anger and confusion were probably never enough to extinguish the fact that despite the pain Renjun has inflicted on them, they know he was more than that.
Renjun wasn't just painted unto their memories like dark clouds, and thunderstorms, and the sharp thorns that could prick anyone into pain.
The Renjun they knew is etched unto their memories like the warm sunlight, the fresh breeze, the beautiful flowers, just like what Renjun has preached among them all their wonder years.
They tried to contact the unknown number, even going to the nearest telecommunication branch to ask for assistance only for the number to be expired, once again leading them to a dead end. It was hard to mask the disappointment.
They have forgiven him. Sure, the pain was still there, but they just wanted him back.
-
A few more years went by.
Graduation has passed and Jeno and Jaemin have established themselves as an almost perfect couple, living together once they were stable enough, directing themselves to their own personal goals as they make their way through life.
And yet, they didn't stop waiting for Renjun after all these years, after all the heartaches. Deep within their hearts, they still yearn for the presence of their other third, waiting for the piece gone and taken in their hearts to be returned by him.
Over time, countless people have told them, given their own wise words, to stop waiting. To simply let Renjun go.
Jeno and Jaemin know they mean no harm. After all, they themselves see it: the lack of progress in their relationship by waiting for Renjun. People around them could see that by simply wishing for Renjun to come back is stopping them from properly growing and moving on in life. It didn’t help that they weren’t getting any younger.
A firm decision was needed, waiting for Renjun wasn’t enough.
But how could they simply let go of Renjun just like that, leave him out of this next chapter in their lives without even a proper farewell? Even if Renjun wouldn’t stay, they just want to see him one more time if they could, shower him all those missed affection and unspoken adoration that they should have done a few years back.
If they could only hold him in their arms again and whisper to his ears the ‘I love you’s their hearts harbor, they could probably let Renjun go. After all, their hearts will never learn to set themselves free until the weight of being able to properly bid Renjun goodbye, the closure the three of them deserved, will be something lifted off their chests.
Perhaps they were tired of waiting too. The uncertainty of Renjun coming back was weighing them down more and more each day, as they felt themselves losing the battle they never knew they were fighting. Hope was slowly draining out of them as each day passed by without some lead to Renjun’s whereabouts.
And so, they have decided to move forward, do things in life they were so hesitant of because they were still waiting, their hearts still lingering over that certain flicker of light. For once, they have finally decided on settling down.
One of the decisions they have finally made upon was buying a house of their own. It was something that they long wanted to decide with Renjun for it is a long-term commitment. Circumstances have made that impossible. Yes, it left a bitter taste in their mouths, and yet they knew it was necessary.
It wasn’t until Jeno’s conversation with her mother in that store that a new light was shown unto how they perceived their future.
All this time, Jeno and Jaemin thought letting Renjun go was leaving everything of him behind, but it isn’t. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting everything that happened. After all, traces of Renjun still linger in their everyday living, from the photos in their living room to the choices they make when simply choosing their own furniture.
To simply forget Renjun is like banishing a part of their story, which sounded wrong in every single way.
Maybe moving forward simply means accepting the fact that a closure between the three of them may never happen, but it isn’t enough of a reason for them to simply abandon the existence of the ones that left. Whether or not Renjun was coming back to them, Jeno and Jaemin are willing to go on in their lives without the expense of leaving Renjun behind in their stories.
They say people die twice in their lives: once when they get buried, and second is when their name is mentioned for the last time. Jeno and Jaemin refuse to let Renjun's name be forgotten, his stories never be shared again. They will carry it with them proudly as the two of them go on through their lives.
True, healing won't come easy, accepting the fact that they may never see nor hold nor speak to Renjun again left a heavy dread in the pits of their stomachs, but the thought of being able to treasure and keep whatever they had, and carry it along through their lifetime, is enough for them to get by.
-
The couple find themselves in front of a coffee shop, the swirls of paint decorating its walls seemingly familiar. Jaemin ignores the detail in his head as he doesn't allow his mind to linger over the thought. If Jeno had noticed, he never said anything.
As their feet lead them to the glass doors, hurried short footsteps echo through their way and find themselves a little girl, probably around the age of three or four, excitedly running her way to them.
"Hello, welcome to our shop! Hope you enjoy our stay! The cashier is this way."
Jeno and Jaemin cannot help but coo over the little girl as she excitedly welcomes the both of them. She must be the daughter of the owner.
Adoption is far from the plans of both Jaemin and Jeno, seeing that they are still in the process of finding a stable future together, and yet they can't seem to help but ponder over the thought as the little ball of sunshine greets them with such heartwarming smiles and giggles.
"Shuixian!"
The little girl turns her head to the source of the voice, her smile only getting bigger.
"Papa!"
The little girl runs back to her father, as the gaze of Jaemin and Jeno follow her every move. They both tear their eyes away to look at the father and –
Renjun?