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The door banged open as the exhausted officer stumbled into the small apartment on the third floor. She dropped her coat and bag raggedly on the floor, walking with glazed eyes towards the couch. She fell on it like one falls on their bed: boneless and drained. Her shaking hands were squeezed into tight fists; arms wrapped around herself as if trying to erect as shield against the world. Her head pounded and ached from the avalanche of thoughts assaulting it, and her chest, well that was the worst of all. The tight pressure in her lungs felt like someone was slowly sucking the air out of them. The fidgeting. The questioning. The restlessness. The ache. The hurt. The comments she knew were false yet wouldn’t leave her brain; Slut. Chatterbox. Awkward mess. It's no surprise no one wants to date you! What you said was stupid. They probably hate you. How are you even a police officer?! Why didn't you stick to being a flight attendant?! Why don’t you put more effort into what you wear. Why did I say that? You think you're funny but you're just sad. Awkward mess. Chatterbox. Weirdo. Slut.
Her eyes sparkled with tears as she shifted her gaze to the phone which lay dormant beside her. Of course no one is calling, they have nothing to say to you. You aren’t important to them. Stop being clingy. She squeezed her honey brown orbs shut so tight they hurt and took in a shallow breath. When she opened them again she half expected to see a message from a team member on the lock screen, but that was a fallacy she shouldn’t dream of.
All of the team had asked her at one point or another during the day if everything was alright. In their own way they had even reached out. Jay asked over morning coffee cause he was always the one who sensed when something was up. Hailey and Vanessa brought her lunch, Adam gave her his bagel and Voight just looked at her intently before reminding her she should start to use up her vacation points. The only one who didn’t say anything was Kevin, but he probably just didn’t have time.
But Jay always asked her how her day was going, and Hailey and Vanessa brought lunch for everyone else. Adam’s bagel was stale and he bought a donut after anyways (she saw him sneak it in). Voight probably just wanted her out of the bullpen for a change and Kevin, well Kevin had put up with her enough. She shouldn’t burden him anymore with her stupid emotional ranting. After all they had to be nice to her at work, but it's not like she was really part of the team, not in the same way they all seemed to be.
She tore her gaze away from the mute phone and shifted her view towards the large window in her living room, hands reaching up to her chest and pressing as if trying to push the tension away. The city calmed her in an inexplicable way. The buildings, the lights and cars were always there day in and day out. They were inanimate, and unable to judge; an anchor she clung to when it all got to be too much. When she was walking a tightrope that was loose and swaying and she was constantly about to fall off.
The worst part was she never knew what truly caused it. Sure she’d sometimes wake up fidgety, restless and maybe shorter on temper, but it always caught her off guard. This time was no different. It had been a complicated case, they’d barely had a breather all day and she almost shrieked in joy when they wrapped it up. All that was left was the paperwork, the huge, mind-numbing pile of paperwork. Maybe that’s why it hit her when it did. When no adrenaline pumped in her system and all she really had to do was sit still and think. When her mind had time to wander to places she hadn’t even noticed existed.
The uncomfortable feeling began just as she was halfway through her paperwork, and fully knowing that should she not finish today she would have to come in tomorrow, she quickly grabbed her stuff and raced out the door. She could feel the stares of her companions on her back which only increased the pressure that was beginning to form behind her eyes. Trudy’s “Hey Burgess! Kim!” Made the knot in her throat swell as she ignored the Sargent and raced out the door. All she could think of was the need to flee, to not look weak and broken in-front of all her colleagues. And yet deep down she couldn’t help but just want someone to hold her and tell her she was loved and accepted.
She never knew how long she sat there, staring at the city and questioning every word that had come out of her mouth the last month. How could you be so self-centered? Why do you only think of yourself? Can’t you see you offended them? It could have been five minutes or five hours. During moments such as these, time froze and all she could do was stare at her city. Sometimes she stared at the city until the sun rose and she pushed herself to get up from the couch. Others she would fall asleep in that position dreaming of a world where the hands that squeezed at her chest were non-existent.
She was startled out of her reverie by a knock on her door. At first it was like her limbs wouldn’t react even though her brain kept telling her to move. When she finally did reach her doorstep whoever was outside had probably been there a good five minutes. Only as the door creaked open did she remember her tear-stained cheeks. Rushing to dry them off with her sleeve she looked in surprise at the person behind the door.
“Kev?” Her voice was scratchy and raw for her silent tears and ragged breathing, and yet the man smiled at her.
“Hey,” the other officer’s expression was one of concern that left Kim baffled, “You looked kind of off today thought I drop by and check in.” His voice was sincere and his posture relaxed, all evidence of sincereness. And while she knew that she should be grateful, because there was a person showing her they cared she couldn’t even bring herself to smile. The little monster in her head rose up.
He’s doing it out of pity. Obligation. Your house is not even on his way to his so this is probably a huge inconvenience. You’re a burden.
Worst of all was she believed the monster, “You didn't have to come. I’m fine,”
“And I’m a white man who lives in Alabama,” Kim snorted under her breath feeling a nervous laugh coming up in her throat. A reflex but up to make others think she was okay.
It didn’t really seem to work though. Kevin looked at her with a frown on his face, “Hey Kim?”
“Yes” she whispered,
“You know it's okay to not be okay, right? It's been a long and hectic year, and no one blames you for being overwhelmed.”
“You think I’m overwhelmed?!” She let out a laugh, “I am not overwhelmed! I am for some reason so- so- anxious I can’t breathe. I-!” The laugh turned into a sob as erratic breaths overtook her being. As her knees gave out from exhausting the strong arms of her ex-partner surrounded her and she was carried once again to the couch she’d spent hours on.
However, having a shoulder to cry on as they batted the monsters away with a meter long stick, even if it was just for a minute was more than the view of the city had ever done. And while she knew he would want her to talk about it, and she knew that she would do her best to avoid it because she didn’t want to be treated like a glass figure. She also knew she was good for now; she had a friend, a friend willing to be there for her and wrap his arm around her shoulder, and she couldn't ask for more.