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“I’m sorry, Haknyeon.”
Eric knew he should not listen in to this conversation but it was a coincidence. He was there because he was supposed to break it off with Sunwoo, because he seemed to be happy with Haknyeon. Eric wanted to fight for the both of them but if this Haknyeon made him happy, who was Eric to disturb that happiness.
You see, Eric was Sunwoo’s first love. He got to Sunwoo first. How was he going to explain Haknyeon’s presence in their relationship? Eric broke up with Sunwoo when they graduated high school. He was going overseas for his collegiate education, leaving Sunwoo in South Korea. He did not consider a long-distance relationship as a choice. That was where Eric’s role as Sunwoo’s boyfriend ended.
There entered Haknyeon and his perfection. Even Eric was insecure about Haknyeon. He was handsome, rich, talented, and to top it off? He was a genuinely nice person. That was why Eric was willing to push Sunwoo away at that point.
But Sunwoo did not agree to that.
So there they were. Eric listening in to something he should not.
“Sunwoo…” Haknyeon sobbed. Eric closed his eyes. He was nervous that he might get caught eavesdropping. Haknyeon’s voice broke Eric’s heart. He did not want to hurt someone who did not do anything but love Sunwoo.
“Haknyeon, I love Eric,” Sunwoo firmly said. Eric could hear the shuffling of clothes.
“Sunwoo,” Haknyeon pleaded again. Eric could imagine him holding on to Sunwoo’s wrist.
“Let me go, Hak. This will only hurt you more,” Sunwoo pushed Haknyeon’s hand away,” I love Eric. I thought about it and I haven’t moved on from him. He is still the one in my heart.”
“How about this then? How about us?” Haknyeon asked. Eric clutched his fists.
“I… I loved you, Haknyeon,” Sunwoo gulped,” But it was never enough to erase Eric from my mind. I thought… I thought I was done with Eric but he swooped in and I can’t forget him so easily when he does that.”
“What about me?”
Eric did not know if he was ready to hear the continuation of this scene. He was happy. Yes, there was this happiness forming within his heart hearing that Sunwoo still loved him, but this happiness was accompanied with this heavy feeling. Eric knew best that Haknyeon did not deserve this. But he also did not deserve being with someone who still loved his ex.
“What about the times we spent together? Were those all… Was I just a replacement to Eric?”
Eric flinched.
“No, Haknyeon, no,” Sunwoo softly said,” You are your own person. You don’t deserve to be anyone’s replacement. You have been so good to me. I did love you, Haknyeon. It’s just that, I love Eric more.”
“Eric, baby.”
Sunwoo cooed, snapping Eric from his thoughts. It had been two months since that mess. It had been two months since Sunwoo broke up with Haknyeon to be with Eric. Sunwoo obviously did not regret his decision. It was true. Sunwoo still loved Eric more than anything in the world. And Eric could see that in his eyes.
But why was there a sinking feeling in his chest?
“Eric?” Sunwoo tilted his head.
“Oh, sorry,” Eric shook his head before smiling at the man before him. It was no use thinking of the past. What mattered was Sunwoo chose him.
“Something bothering you, baby?” Sunwoo cupped Eric’s right cheek,” You know you can depend on me, right?”
“Of course I do,” Eric tilted his head and rubbed his cheek on Sunwoo’s hand. His hand felt warm. Sunwoo was always warm and Eric knew he was addicted to his warmth.
“Then is something bothering you?” Sunwoo asked. Eric looked into his love’s eyes. They were brown, like the trees in autumn. Eric loved his brown eyes. He loved how they were only looking at him.
“Nothing,” Eric said in a quiet voice,” Just some memories.”
“Memories?”
“It’s nothing, babe,” Eric shook his head,” I swear.”
“Okay,” Sunwoo pouted,” If you say so. But if you’re worried about something, you can tell me.”
“I will,” Eric felt guilty about lying but he had no choice. How can he tell his boyfriend that he felt guilty about stealing him away from his ex?
Eric was still bothered about it all. He knew it was not right for him to appear in front of Sunwoo years after their breakup. He knew it was not right to flirt with Sunwoo when he was well-aware of Haknyeon’s presence in his life. He knew it was not right to confuse Sunwoo then take him away when he found home in another person.
Who was Eric anyway?
He was the first love.
In any drama, no one could beat the first love. But did anybody think of how wrong it was for the first love to charm someone who belonged to someone else?
Eric did not mean it. Eric did not mean to steal Sunwoo away. He could swear that.
Could he?
He knew, when he first saw Sunwoo, that he was hoping for them to reconnect, to go back to how they were before. He knew when he saw Sunwoo texting Haknyeon, that he hoped to take Haknyeon’s place.
Eric knew he wanted to steal Sunwoo away, deep in his heart. He just did not expect that he would be able to do it.
“Let me tell you something, Eric,” Juyeon, Eric’s best friend, said as he put his frappe on the table,” Nothing good will happen if you keep worrying about that.”
“But, hyung,” Eric looked down on his lap,” Haknyeon did not do anything wrong and yet…”
“What can he do, after all?” Juyeon raised an eyebrow,” Sunwoo loves you. You. And only you, Eric. Maybe you forget that his feelings are where it counts.”
“Even so,” Eric sighed,” I know I should be happy. I should be completely elated! Ecstatic! But… I know Haknyeon. I met him. We were friends.”
“Were,” Juyeon emphasized the word,” Did one of you break it off or?”
“I just feel guilty whenever I see him,” Eric looked at Juyeon with a sad smile,” Because whenever I see him, that day rewinds in my mind.”
It had been a week since Sunwoo broke up with Haknyeon.
It had been a week since Sunwoo started courting Eric.
Eric did not answer Sunwoo’s feelings yet because he still felt guilty about causing their breakup and making Sunwoo remember his feelings for Eric. Eric wanted to respect Haknyeon as his friend and Sunwoo’s ex. After all, Haknyeon was Jaehyun’s best friend. And Jaehyun was Juyeon’s boyfriend.
Oh god, did he just steal Sunwoo from his best friend’s boyfriend’s best friend?
It was a confusing map if Eric was honest, but in simpler terms, Haknyeon was Eric’s friend. He was not a complete stranger. They did hang out sometimes. They drank a couple of times before Eric found out that Haknyeon was Sunwoo’s boyfriend.
“Haknyeon-hyung,” Eric gasped when he saw Haknyeon waiting outside Eric’s condominium building,” Why are you here?”
Haknyeon had been crying. Eric knew that. Haknyeon’s eyes were red. He was pale. He lost weight. His hair was all frizzy.
Haknyeon looked like a mess. He looked like he lost everything.
‘Sunwoo is his everything,’ Eric thought to himself.
“Eric-ah,” Haknyeon had a bitter smile on his lips,” Long time no see.”
“I… You see, hyung, I’m—”
“I don’t need explanations, Eric. Don’t worry,” Haknyeon said weakly. He approached the younger man and hugged him.
“Take care of him,” Haknyeon whispered into Eric’s ear,” Please.”
“Hyung,” Eric was stunned. He did not expect this.
“Sunwoo’s a handful. I’m sure you know that… you know that so well,” Haknyeon said. Eric knew he was starting to tear up. Haknyeon’s voice was getting muffled.
“I know,” was all Eric could say.
“I knew, I knew you were someone different to him before he broke up with me.”
“What?”
“I saw how he looked at you. Eric, I hoped he wouldn’t realize it but he did,” Haknyeon inhaled,” I hoped he never realized that he is still yours. But he did. Remember when I introduced him to you and Juyeon?”
“Yeah,” Eric knew his voice was getting shaky. He did not know what to do at that situation.
“I saw,” Haknyeon closed his eyes,” I saw how he looked at you. It was as if he saw a ghost. Eric, you see, Sunwoo did not talk a lot about his past. His past seemed to always chase him, but when he saw you, he looked like he was determined to face it.”
“Hyung…”
“I was just buying time, you know,” Haknyeon let Eric go,” I wanted to enjoy being with Sunwoo while I could. He was never fully mine, you see.”
“He was,” Eric argued,” He was fully yours.”
“No, don’t flatter me, Eric,” Haknyeon softly chuckled,” I can never beat you. I can never beat the first love. I was just your placeholder.”
“Knock, knock?” Juyeon snapped his fingers in front of Eric,” Is Mr. Eric Son in there?”
“You really have giant hands, hyung,” Eric said before laughing.
“As I was saying,” Juyeon rolled his eyes,” I saw Haknyeon.”
“Haknyeon? Where?”
“At a bar where Jae performed at,” Juyeon tried to read Eric’s expression,” I saw him.”
“Did you say hi?” Eric asked, fiddling his fingers. Juyeon knew his best friend was invested in this. To say Eric did not care about Haknyeon would be a lie. That was why it haunted Eric so much, the idea of hurting Haknyeon.
“Of course,” Juyeon answered,” I did.”
“And?”
“Why are you so curious, Eric? Didn’t you say you’re avoiding him?” Juyeon raised an eyebrow.
“Oh, right,” Eric slumped on his chair,” I did.”
“He seems better.”
“What?”
“I think he’s doing his best to move on,” Juyeon said,” Maybe you should do the same.”
“I can’t,” Eric sighed,” While I haven’t apologized—”
“Oh, not that again!” Juyeon crossed his arms,” I swear, Eric Son, if you say you need to apologize again—”
“I do need to!” Eric almost screamed that he regretted it. The other patrons in the café were looking at them. Eric mumbled an apology before shrinking on his seat.
“Haknyeon forgave you when you said you’ll take care of Sunwoo,” Juyeon reminded him,” God, Haknyeon’s so kind. If I were him, I would’ve hated your guts for stealing my boyfriend for 3 years away.”
“Thanks for the encouragement, best friend,” Eric said sarcastically,” Thanks a lot.”
“It’s one of my talents,” Juyeon smirked,” Anyway if you want to talk to Haknyeon so much, I have his number.”
“No,” Eric shook his head,” I don’t know how to face him again, after what happened.”
“It’s been two months since they broke up,” Juyeon said, using his fingers to emphasize the ‘two months’,” That’s a long time already!”
“Shorter time than 3 years,” Eric muttered,” You know, sometimes, when Sunwoo’s with me, I just imagine… I just think about how lucky I am to have the man I love love me back.”
“And?”
“But at the same time, there’s this heavy feeling,” Eric looked up the ceiling,” As if I’m not worthy to receive this much love from him.”
“You deserve it, Eric,” Juyeon said in a serious tone,” You deserve Sunwoo’s love. Haknyeon’s my friend too. You know how tough it is for both me and Jae, this situation you have here, but Sunwoo chose you.”
“I know. Did he make the right choice though?”
“You’re giving me a headache!” Juyeon covered his ears and closed his eyes.
“I always do.”
“Listen to me,” Juyeon opened his eyes,” How about telling Sunwoo about your feelings? I’m not sure if he’ll understand it though.”
“I feel like I’m the only bad person here.”
“Eric,” Juyeon put his hand on his best friend’s,” No. It’s just that you won Sunwoo over. Well, you never really lost him. All is fair in love and war, Eric. And Sunwoo loves you.”
“What if he changes his mind?” Eric asked.
“How about asking him that himself?”
‘Take care of him.’
Eric was haunted by Haknyeon. He still remembered how Haknyeon smiled at him as if he was letting him have his everything. But wasn’t that what he meant?
‘You deserve him.’
Eric did not know what to reply to Haknyeon when he said that. Haknyeon was the kindest, most loving person Eric met. Haknyeon did not deserve to be hurt because Eric did not want to let Sunwoo go.
‘I was just your replacement.’
Eric gulped. He knew how hurt Haknyeon must have felt. He knew that Haknyeon thought he was the replacement. But he wasn’t. Eric knew that. It had been a week since Eric accepted Sunwoo’s feelings and he knew the little things that reminded Sunwoo of Haknyeon.
Eric entangled himself in this love triangle that seemed so simple. Sunwoo did love him after all. And Eric loved Sunwoo back. Sunwoo broke up with Haknyeon to be with Eric. It was as simple as addition.
But why did Eric feel so conflicted?
Every ‘I love you’ Sunwoo said, Eric was reminded of Haknyeon’s tears.
Every ‘I miss you’ Sunwoo said, Eric was reminded of Haknyeon’s sad smile.
Every…
“Baby?”
Eric was snapped out of his daze when Sunwoo called for his attention.
“Are you sure you’re okay, baby?” Sunwoo asked. Eric just snuggled himself in Sunwoo’s arms.
“I feel safe here,” Eric whispered,” This is nothing, babe.”
“I doubt,” Sunwoo sighed,” But can I force you to tell me anyway?”
“You can’t,” Eric snickered,” It’s just me and my thoughts.”
The two of them stayed quiet for a minute. They let the silence of the night loom over them. It was peaceful for both of them. It was relaxing. Eric wished it was always like that.
“I feel bad,” Eric said in a quiet voice,” I shouldn’t, right?”
“Is this about Hak again?” Sunwoo asked,” Why are you more affected about this than me?”
“You knew?”
“I can read you like a book, Eric,” Sunwoo kissed Eric’s forehead,” You feel bad that I chose you? Do you regret getting back to me then?”
“No! No, no,” Eric said in a panic,” I don’t regret our relationship.”
“But you regret hurting Haknyeon-hyung?”
“Yeah,” Eric slowly nodded,” But it’s either him or me, right? I’m not good at this at all.”
“Aw, baby,” Sunwoo pulled Eric closer,” Hmm… I love you a lot, you know.”
“I do,” Eric whispered. He knew Sunwoo was going to change the topic. It was his way of calming Eric down whenever he had bad thoughts. And this was one of those times. Eric wondered if he did this with Haknyeon too. Everything Eric was experiencing with Sunwoo, he was sure that Haknyeon experienced it with him too. Every word Sunwoo told him, he told Haknyeon already.
But Sunwoo chose Eric.
Eric reminded himself of that fact. He was chosen. He should not feel that way. He should not compare himself to Haknyeon and he should not feel guilty to get his shot at happiness.
As the night grew deeper, and as Sunwoo’s slumber deepened, Eric found himself thinking about these feelings of his.
The feelings of guilt.
The feelings of happiness.
The feelings of love.
And of sadness.
Of hurt.
Of regret.
Of hope.
Of pity.
Of everything he ever felt since he was chosen.
Eric closed his eyes. He could imagine Sunwoo on the day he started courting Eric.
“I will always choose you. You are the one who holds my heart.”
Was it always Eric? Would Sunwoo change his mind?
“Haknyeon… I broke up with him to be with you.”
Did Sunwoo ever think how Haknyeon would feel when he did?
“I feel guilty about hurting him… but I knew I can’t lie about my feelings for you, Eric.”
Eric found himself crying. He could not believe it. Was this how it felt to be chosen? They said being chosen was the greatest feeling in the world. They said being chosen felt amazing, that there was no happiness greater than being chosen by the one you love.
But why wasn’t that happiness alone with Eric? Why was he being haunted by the sadness he cursed Haknyeon with?
He knew what he had to do to erase this feeling. He was just too much of a coward to do that sooner.
Eric sat up from his bed. He grabbed his cellphone which was on his nightstand. He scrolled his contacts before calling Juyeon’s number.
“You said you had Haknyeon’s number?”