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Nikki hated all of this, he couldn’t stand being treated like a child or some delicate flower.
It was fucking pathetic.
He wanted to punch so bad the doctor who was standing in front of him, explaining why he couldn’t leave the hospital alone.
“Your heart stopped for a very long time, Mr. Sixx. We can’t be sure how much damage it was done!”
“You brought this on yourself.” His brain reminded him.
“I’m fine, no need to do that!”
“Fuck you Nikki, you need help. You were fucking dead and you broke Tommy’s heart. So accept our help!” He didn’t notice Vince getting in the room, until he heard his high voice calling him out.
Usually he would be angry, he would scream in Vince’s face and telling him to fuck off, but at that moment there was only emptiness in his heart.
Well, it was incorrect. There was something else too : guilt.
He felt so fucking guilty to hurt Tommy that bad, to make his ever present smile leaving his beautiful face. Was he crying? Or was he drowning his sorrows in alcohol?
What kind of monster he was?
“You fucking pathetic loser! You broke Tommy’s heart and he will leave you!”
He felt so much shame coming up in his heart, it made him silently hiding behind his bangs. He made a huge fucking mistake and hurt everyone in the process.
The bassist decided to follow his blond friend, without say a single word, his head was too loud to add any more noise with his voice. Vince tried to put on some music but it didn’t help to ease the tension present in that car.
“Fuck man, you scared the shit out of us! I’m glad you are here, you know even if you are a pain in the ass sometimes.” He knew it was a big deal for Vince to swallow his pride, and a part of him was grateful for that, but his mind was too busy shouting intrusive thoughts at him, about his past or about Tommy leaving him.
He was supposed to feel grateful that he was so lucky to be still alive, but he felt like he didn’t deserve it. He was just a junky, ready to shoot up again even after overdosing.
He was too lost in his head to notice that they arrived home. Mick was waiting for them at the front door, with an unreadable expression, only to soften it once he saw Nikki.
He got in the house and everything was too fucking silent. Vince said Tommy was there but it couldn’t be. Tommy was always so loud, always moving or playing his drums, if there was him silent was nowhere to be found!
“Where’s Tommy?” He asked scared, because maybe his singer was wrong and Tommy left while they weren’t there.
“He left you. He is gone because of you!”
“He’s upstairs, in the guest room,” he stopped and sighed. “Nikki, he is pretty much a mess. He barely got out of that room since he has heard the news. So please go easy on him, he was so freighted when you were gone.”
Here it was the shame again, the guilt of have hurt Tommy in such a mean way with his mess of a life.
Nikki nodded and headed to the guest room, every step felt like a knife in his heart but it got worse once he saw the semi-opened door. He could see Tommy’s back and he thought he was sleeping, because everything was too quiet and his T-Bone would only shut up while sleeping.
However, he could also hear little whimpers coming from the man.
“Hey Tommy, guess who is back?” The bassist tried to joke, but the younger man didn’t move.
The raven haired boy was scared to see his lover’s face, but fuck if he needed to see Tommy’s eyes like he needed to breathe!
“I’m here due, I fucking kicked death’s ass!” His laugh was unsure and it died soon after.
Tommy didn’t turn, but his shoulders started to shake.
“T-Bone…” Nikki pleaded, he felt so disgusting for doing it, but he couldn’t stand saying Tommy like that.
The drummer slowly turned around and the bassist felt like someone knocked out the air out of his lungs: his boyfriend was pale, his eyes were red and puffy, he looked so scared and hurt.
“You were dead. You are not fine and you were dead for two minutes. I’ve lost you for two whole minutes!” Tommy cried.
And that’s when Nikki broke down too.
His angel was crying, his always smiling Tommy has salty tears rolling down his cheeks. He managed to break the only person he was supposed to care about the most.
He felt so guilty and disgusting, so ashamed because it was his fault if Tommy was like this. He was selfish and a prick but his boy paid the price.
Fuck, he was such an horrible person.
Some tears spilled from his eyes before he could stop them. The almighty Nikki Sixx was crying, trying to not let any whimpers out.
“Nikki?” Tommy sniffled, but the bassist was too far away in his mind to listen to him.
You are a monster Frankie.
You will drive him away like you did with your father.
“S-sorry Tommy, p-please… don’t leave me.” He felt so pathetic but his thoughts were racing too much to be reasonable.
Tommy felt his heart shattering, so he linked his hand with Nikki’s.
“I could never leave you Nikki. I was just so scared and hurt. I swear a part of me died when I heard you were gone. Nothing had any meaning without you, not even life.”
Nikki felt his heart stopping again that day, because there was no way Tommy could think such dark things all because of him.
“S-sorry… sorry, sorry, you deserve better baby, sorry.” He slurred, but the drummer took him into his arms.
“Shhh, you deserve me. I-I can’t lose you, not again, not anymore!” He petted his hair, still sniffling.
“I-I promise you I’ll quit. I don’t want to lose you either.”
The younger boy moved the bangs from Nikki’s eyes, so that he could look into them.
“ I love you Nikki Sixx. I always will.”
“I love you too Tommy. So fucking much, she won’t take your place!”
The drummer nodded, letting out a yawn.
“You should sleep baby.” Nikki said, starting to play with his boyfriend’s hair.
“You won’t leave, right?” Tommy was scared, clinging closer to Nikki.
“I will be here when you wake up.” He stated, kissing him.
Tommy closed his eyes, even if he was still awake, and rested a hand on Nikki’s heart.
The raven haired man was so scared to get clean but he knew he had to do it, he couldn’t stand breaking Tommy’s heart again, risking destroying him forever.
His boyfriend opened his eyes for a moment just to give the other man a long and desperate kiss before falling asleep.
Nikki smiled softly. He knew that hell was coming but staying with Tommy was what mattered the most.
He would do anything just to keep seeing him sleeping so peaceful in his arms.
“I love you baby!” He whispered one last time, kissing his forehead.