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Growing up in the Todoroki household was far from glamorous. Sure, they all had their own rooms, food on the table and in the fridge, a warm bed to sleep in and money. Lots of money. It wasn’t really theirs to spend, but it was there nevertheless. Maybe there used to be a time where he liked his life. Natsuo can’t quite remember that time now – even less the more often Fuyumi wants him to attend the family dinners.
The first time he set foot into his childhood home again, he wanted to turn around and run. The problem wasn’t the house itself, not really, but the people inside said house. He knew Fuyumi well enough but he barely knew Shouto – and he didn’t want to know Endeavor. The current No.1 hero may be his father, biologically speaking, but he sure as hell wasn’t a father figure. And now he was talking about wanting to change; wanting to make an effort. And why? Because he almost died? Because he finally made it to the top? Natsuo couldn’t care less. Everytime he saw his father’s face, there was anger welling up inside him. “I’m sorry, sis! Thanks for the food!” And he was gone. He couldn’t do this, not yet anyway – maybe not ever. That was his decision to make.
The next dinner was a disaster to say the least. Natsuo tried, he really did. Yet, in the end, he left. Again. “Sorry, sis. This is just too much…” He tied his laces and stood outside the house for a few minutes. Why did it have to be this way? A sigh made its way out of his mouth. “I just wish I could…” With a shake of his head he let the words die on his lips, not even knowing what he wished he could do. The moment he looked up, Natsuo came face to face with a man he’d never seen before. Before he even had the chance to open his mouth to ask a question, the stranger moved.
Never would Natsuo have expected to be in a situation like that. Never did he want to be in a situation like that ever again.
Hot. The only thing he could feel was the extreme heat emitting from the man who had his arms thrown around him. It was dizzying. “Get off…” He pushed and then he was free. “Natsuo!” Natsuo stilled, staring up at the man, his father, Endeavor. “Natsuo. Believe it or not…I was never trying to neglect any of you.” The only thing Natsuo could hear was his own hammering heartbeat. It was deafening, yet it didn’t slow even when Endeavor kept talking. “But…all I could do was blame others and dodge responsibility. With Touya, too.” Endeavor fell silent before his voice rose again with increased volume. “I might as well have killed him myself!” It felt as if time had stopped. Or slowed for that matter, as Natsuo felt tears welling up in his eyes. Too quickly they ran down his cheeks as he opened his mouth. “Didn’t neglect us…?” His voice sounded rough, even to his own ears. “So what…? Touya has always told me everything. It’ll be a cold day in hell before I forgive you. ‘Cuz I’m not as caring as Shouto.” He wasn’t, not when it came to their father. He’d had to listen to Touya’s suffering for way too often for that. Had to see Shouto fail and fail again. Had to see his own mother fall ill because of her husband. The tears kept on falling as a sob made its way out of his mouth. “I know how happy it makes sis, having us all together! But…when I see your face…those memories come rushing back.” There it was again, that anger. “Why do I gotta be the one to come around?” It wasn’t fair. It just wasn’t fair! “Atonement? How are you gonna make that happen?”
Three months had passed since then. Things had changed – for the better even. For the first time in awhile Natsuo felt hopeful. Optimistic, even. There was a slight smile on his face as he copied the notes his professor had written on the board into his notebook. Family dinners didn’t involve Endeavor anymore, neither did they take place at his childhood home. There was a whole lot his father had done wrong over the years and very little he’d actually done right, but distancing himself from the family and buying a house – a safe place – for the siblings and their mother to come home to might’ve just been his one good deed. And on top of that, Rei was doing better and better everyday.
Life was good. The smile on his face deepened as he faced the student sitting next to him. “Have you heard about what’s going on?” Natsuo frowned. “No? Should I have?” His classmate’s eyes widened. “Dude, yes! It’s everywhere.” He scoffed. “Yeah, but the lecture…?” “The lecture doesn’t matter once you’ve seen the news, trust me!” The student slid his phone over to him and while Natsuo read over all of the different headlines, his frown deepened. He looked up and surveyed the room. It seemed like his classmate hadn’t been the only one glued to his phone screen and sharing whispers to his left and his right. “They’ve got it under control though, right? Otherwise they’d have told us.” Natsuo didn’t even sound too sure himself but there was no way they would just let them sit here if everything could go to shit in just a second, right? Right?
Thinking about it now, he regrets having been that optimistic and hopeful. He should’ve seen it coming. He really should. And yet…when even his professor fell silent and several students made noises of pure confusion, he didn’t think any of it. Only when a voice filled the room and introduced themselves as Touya Todoroki, Natsuo knew that something was wrong. Very wrong. “I am Touya Todoroki, the eldest son of Endeavor.” Natsuo stared at his classmate’s phone screen which now showed a man, covered in scars, talking to the camera directly. Dabi. Natsuo remembered that face, how could he not? He remembered the fight where his father Endeavor got his scar. Touya…? No, it couldn’t be. Touya was dead. Had been for years. There was no way that this man was his older brother. “My father created me, in pursuit of his selfish, egoistical dreams. But alas, I was a failed creation. It didn't take long for him to rehect me. I was tossed aside and forgotten.” There was dread pooling in Natsuo’s stomach now. He felt sick. “Natsuo…?” He lifted his head and found dozens of eyes staring back at him. There was pity and sadness, anger and even fear. He needed to leave. Now.
“I’m sorry, I…” His next words got lost when he stood up abruptly and fled the room, feeling his classmates’ eyes not leave his back once. Outside of the classroom, he came to a stop. Tears welled up in his eyes and they stung, making the world around him look a blurry chaotic mess. His breaths came quicker and quicker and more desperate each time he tried to slow them. This wasn’t right. This couldn’t be right. “No, no, no, no.” He balled his hands into fists and pressed them on his eyes, feeling the hot tears wet them. Touya was dead, he had died. Natsuo was sure of it. It didn’t make sense, it just couldn’t be. And yet Dabi’s words hadn’t sounded like lies to his ears. They had sounded genuine, like Dabi had known what he was talking about. Touya. Even now he was replaying his words over and over again, trying to make sense of this new information; this revelation.
Breathing hurt and he felt so lost. Lost like he’d been as a child sitting at Touya’s side trying to get him to smile again after a particular bad day of training. “Why do I even exist, Otōto?”, Touya had asked him over and over again. Natsuo had been younger than him then; too young to give him the answer he was looking for. Too young to even fully grasp what had been going on behind his back. “To be a good big brother, Niichan!” A weak answer to a strong question. He’d never loved Touya any less just because his father had deemed him a failure. He didn’t love Touya any less now, but he hated Endeavor more. Despised him even. The anger was back and with it his breathing calmed, even if only for a little bit.
Natsuo was angry. Angrier than he’d been after their last family dinner. He was angry at the world, angry at society, angry at Endeavor, angry at himself and angry at Touya…Dabi. It was the type of anger you didn’t know how to deal with or how to handle. It was just there, burning in his stomach and making his eyes sting even more, making his tears flow more freely.
This was not the life he’d wanted – but when had he ever gotten what he wanted?
When Natsuo had come to his senses, his mother had been the first one to come to his mind. He’d left his bag inside the classroom and wasn’t in the condition to go back in and retrieve it. His classmates were the good and trustworthy kind, he knew they’d take care of it for him. He was off to the hospital, hoping that the staff had been quick enough to turn off her TV – to spare her. “Todoroki-san!” A nurse came running once he’d entered the building. “I’m here to see–” “Yes, please follow me!”, she interrupted him and started walking into the direction of his mother’s room. “How is she?” The woman sighed. “It’s...it’s bad. Todoroki-san wants to see her son. We’re hoping that a familiar face is going to put her at ease.” Natsuo had to keep himself from cursing out loud. “I’ll try my best.” The nurse send a glance his way, a soft and thankful smile on her lips. “Thank you.”
“Okaasan?” The nurse had already left and he let the door fall shut behind him. Rei was facing the window, not showing any response to being addressed. A sigh slipped from his lips when he sat down on the empty chair in front of the neatly organized desk. “I came as soon as I could. I…” He wasn’t quite sure what he should say. He knew how his mother felt, at least partly. “So he’s alive and well, then?” Her voice was so quiet that he’d almost missed it. “It seems that way.” Though…was Touya well? There were dozens of scars and burns covering his body and he’d killed at least 30 innocent people. Thirty. “Actually, I’m…I’m not sure.”, he corrected himself and looked at the white-haired woman across from him, hoping she’d turn around. “Okaasan?” The word came out quiet and small. Rei turned around and looked at him. He could make out the faint streaks of tears on her cheeks. “I’m sorry.”
A sob filled the silence and he bend over as new tears filled his eyes, spilling over his cheeks and hitting his hands that were balled to fists. “Oh, Natsuo.” Her voice was sad and soft, it felt like home. “You have nothing to be sorry for.” Rei stood up and came to a stop right in front of him, her left hand brushing through his hair softly. “You couldn’t have known.” He hiccuped. He couldn’t have, but maybe he should have. “Natsuo. Look at me.” He raised his head and Rei smiled softly. “That’s better.” From her desk she retrieved a handkerchief and handed it to him. “I was…angry with him, before you arrived.”, Rei said and sat down on her bed. “With who? Endeavor?” Rei shook her head. “Touya.” “Oh.” Natsuo stared at his hands that were still holding the handkerchief tightly. “I was, too. Angry, I mean.” His mother looked at him expectantly as if she wanted him to continue. “I thought that…all this years, I thought he was dead.” “Yes.” Her answer sounded like a sigh, deep and mournful. “That’s what we all thought, Natsuo. So trust me when I say, that neither of us could’ve known.” When Natsuo looked at her, it looked like she was telling herself the same thing. “You’re not to blame either. You couldn’t have known.”, he replied, holding her gaze. “I suppose that’s true.” It was almost a whisper when she added, “Though a mother ought to recognize her son, doesn’t she?” “No.” Rei looked up. “Not the way he looks now.” And wasn’t that what Dabi Touya had wanted all along? That no one would recognize him? “It was his choice. His decision to start that new life.”, his mother said, though Natsuo didn’t even know how Touya had survived, yet. “Maybe.”, he replied though he didn’t sound too convinced. Wasn’t it Endeavor’s fault? Hadn’t Touya just told the world that exact reason? It was as if Rei had read his mind when she said, “Don’t trouble yourself with the Why now. There’s much we don’t yet know of. Much we still need to learn.” Explanations that were due time. Explanations they would get if the fight worked out in their favor.
Natsuo was uneasy as he listened to his mother changing the topic. In his mind he was already far away, standing in front of Touya and asking the questions that wouldn’t let him think clearly. Questions that he desperately needed answers to. Questions he might never even get the answers to.