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Leslie had thrown hours of effort into making sure his first high school party would be perfect. He had gotten his big sister’s advice, made sure he invited mostly his freshman friends but also some older kids, and even spent his own money on junk food. But it still wasn’t what he had expected. Sure, people showed up and had a good time. On paper it was a success. Still, a weird insecurity that had brought him out to the porch, cheeks in his hands, barefoot since he hadn’t wanted to take the time to find his shoes among the pile of footwear at the door. It was just his luck that Tobias Wilson should be sitting on the steps. Leslie took a deep breath as he reconciled the fact that he had to acknowledge Tobias.
“This party kinda sucks, doesn’t it?” It was barely a question.
“I wouldn’t say it actually sucks,” Tobias replied, just quiet enough that Leslie could tell he was nervous. “I mean, when Rachel tried to throw a high school party it just got crashed by a bunch of middle schoolers. That must have really sucked, inviting all her friends over and instead just getting us. Not to imply we’re not cool. I’m cool, my friends are cool. You’re cool. Just… I mean, I didn’t get it at the time, but that probably sucked for her more than this sucks for you.”
“Yeah, no, the party itself slaps. I just feel like I should be enjoying it. Like, I organised this whole thing, and it should do a lot for my social standing, not that I need it, but, y’know, it’s good to stay on top. And I did everything right, but I just don’t vibe with it for some reason.”
“Maybe you’re just not about parties?” Tobias shrugged.
“No. I am. I like when people pay attention to me.” That was more straightforward than Leslie had intended, but, what the hell, it was the truth.
“Then what are you doing out on the porch? Go back inside and, like, put a lampshade on your head or do somebody’s makeup or something. Show off that you know all the words to Fergalicious. I dunno.”
“One, it’s not that impressive to know all the words to Fergalicious, and two, we definitely have not done karaoke together. When did I tell you that’s one of my go to songs? I mean, it’s not anymore, but it was for, like, all of middle school.”
“You never told me. You just seem like that kind of person.”
“You mean, like, I’m gay?” Leslie almost laughed as he said it.
“Yeah, but I wasn’t gonna say it straight up.”
The two fell back into silence- not exactly a comfortable one, but not an awkward one either. Leslie and Tobias were far from best friends, but they trusted each other. Knowing a person for your whole life will do that.
“So, what are you doing out here? You don’t seem like the sit on the steps of the porch type to me.”
“It’s nothing, really,” Tobias deflected. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Tell me. I won’t tell anyone else, I promise.”
“Not even Masami? Everybody knows you tell Masami everything.”
“Shut up! I hate you.” Leslie grinned at his friend. “But fine. Not even Masami.”
“Okay. I, uh, I tripped and got soda all over your sister and she got really mad, and I do feel bad about that, but mostly it was just… she had the same kinda energy as when Rachel used to yell at me. And I don’t usually think about Rachel a lot, because I miss her so much and when I try to think about her I just get these headaches and I don’t… I don’t really feel like I can do anything to get her back, anyway. Nobody else even seems to care or remember her at all. And I didn’t wanna be inside being all depressed, so I thought I should, like, breathe. Or whatevs.” Tobias paused, then added, “You promised not to tell anyone.”
“Yeah. Renee used to be way more chill. It’s because she’s working on college applications, she doesn’t feel like she has time to hang out with me. Or any freshmen, for that matter.” Leslie fell silent, then quietly said, “Sorry about Rachel, too. I wish I had something meaningful to say.”
“It’s fine that you don’t. I’m used to it.”
“Still. It would wreck me if Renee disappeared and nobody remembered. She’s going to college next year. Maybe she’ll end up at the same school as your sister.”
“Yeah, maybe.” Tobias was pretty sure Rachel wasn’t actually at college, but there was nothing to gain from saying so.
Silence again. The lights inside shifted from orange to pink to violet. The bassline shook the floor just enough that Tobias shifted his weight on the steps again, letting his elbows rest on his knees.
“Tell me a secret.” Tobias wasn’t sure where the command came from, but it felt right, and it got Leslie’s attention.
“What? Why?”
“I dunno, I thought we were bonding. Also, to make it even.”
“I already promised I wouldn’t tell.”
“Yeah, well, I won’t tell yours either.”
Leslie hesitated, then sat down next to Tobias and sighed.
“Okay. I don’t feel like I’m ever gonna be enough.” Shit. Leslie felt his chest clench up a bit as he realised that was a real secret. Why didn’t he say something stupid like ‘I’m an inch shorter than I tell people I am’ or ‘I wasn’t allowed to watch cartoons as a kid and I don’t get any of the references everyone makes in their memes?’ Both of those things were true! And Tobias didn’t need to know anything real and personall! Just as he started to panic, the sound of Tobias’ voice snapped Leslie back to reality.
“What? You? But confidence is, like, your whole thing.”
“Yeah. I’m a fucking actor, bitch. And I figured out when I was about 10 that if you’re gay you gotta be really confident and a little mean because it comes off as sassy and then people think you’re funny and don’t bully you.”
“Nobody was gonna bully you for being gay. Elmore’s not like that.”
“See, that’s what you say now, but in sixth grade you called Anton a pansy for brushing his teeth after lunch.”
“That was sixth grade! Everybody sucks in sixth grade!”
“Exactly.”
“...Oh.” Tobias closed his legs a little and pulled his shoulders into his neck, clearly uncomfortable. He wasn’t the person he had been in middle school, but, man, he had been that person at one point, and he kinda hated that.
“I’m not mad at you. I’m just right.”
“Well, for what it’s worth, I think you’re enough. Not in a gay way. Shit, not in a homophobic way either. I mean, like, I’m not flirting with you but I do think you have a lot of talent and potential. Is that-? Whatevs.”
“Thanks. And just say ‘whatever.’ Respect yourself.”
“Really? ‘Respect yourself?’ I could say the same to you.”
“Bitch.”
“Why do you do that? Call everyone ‘bitch.’ It’s kinda… I dunno.” Tobias looked away as he said it.
“I probably picked it up from Masami? She calls me a bitch all the time. I love it.”
“Yeah, but that’s just you. She doesn’t call everyone a bitch.”
“I guess. I don’t know why anyone cares either way. It’s a compliment. And at this point it’s kinda my thing.”
“Nah. Your thing is being gay. Not just being gay, I mean, but all the stereotypical shit that comes with it. Theatre and fashion and dance. Coming into the high school as a freshman and getting cast as- I don’t remember who you’re playing, actually, but I remember it was kind of a big deal.”
“Davey? It is a big deal. But I mostly got it because I can dance. Newsies is a dance heavy show. If this were Into the Woods or Addams Family, I wouldn’t be so lucky.”
“Why are you being like this?” Tobias groaned, running one hand through his curls.
“Like what?”
“Not quite humble, but definitely less full of yourself than usual.”
“This is how I always am. At least, this is how I am when I’m not trying too hard to be anything.”
“Oh. So you’re saying you trust me.” Tobias smiled just a little, and Leslie couldn’t help but be touched that Tobias wanted to be trusted. That was basically the same as saying he wanted to be friends, right?
“I guess I trust you. Yeah.”
“Cool.”
Leslie stiffened with surprise as Tobias gently laid his head on his friend’s shoulder.
“You’re not my type,” Leslie said, almost too quickly.
“You’re not mine. I’m just tired, dumbass.”
“Oh. Then, yeah. Yeah. Sure. Physical affection.”
“I can sit up,” Tobias sighed, starting to pick his head back up.
“Don’t. I just wasn’t expecting it. Masami and I do shit like this all the time. And Alan. Sometimes I lean on Alan.”
“Alan’s your boyfriend.”
“I know. But I needed another example of someone who touches me on purpose.”
“No one touches me on purpose.” Tobias laughed as he said it, but there was a hint of bitter sadness in his tone.
“Touch starved king.”
“What?”
“I don’t know. I called you a touch starved king. I just say shit sometimes and people usually laugh.”
“Oh. Me too, I guess. Except mostly just Joe laughs. Sometimes Ocho.”
“See, that’s why I throw parties and call people bitch and everything. It makes people like me, but also be just intimidated enough that they put me on a pedestal. I’m Regina George. This shit is a science. Three years from now, Masami and I will be prom king and queen and we’ll trade crowns because I’m more of a queen than she is and then I’ll get cast as an ensemble dancer on Broadway at 21 and have my first lead by 24 and-” Leslie was starting to get visibly excited, talking faster and faster and moving his hands as he spoke, but he fell silent when Tobias cut him off.
“Geez, you have all that planned? What if it doesn’t happen that way?”
“It will.”
“Maybe, but what if it doesn’t?” Tobias had picked his head up at some point, but Leslie hadn’t felt it and was just now noticing how cold his shoulder felt without it.
“I guess I’ll have to change up the numbers a bit and make it happen anyway. I was born to be famous. It’s the same shit I’m doing now, y’know? People notice me, people like me, people do not get to know me. Knowing me is a privilege.”
“Right, got it. You have intimacy issues.” Tobias was teasing, but he knew he was right.
“No. Knowing me is a privilege.”
“Dude, I know you and it’s not a privilege. You’re fourteen and you have a youtube channel with, like, two really popular videos but only 60 followers. Not saying you’re lame, just that you’re not famous.”
“Bitch.”
“How come I keep being nice to you and you keep calling me a bitch? Say something nice about me.” Once again, Tobias wasn’t sure where the command came from, but he didn’t take it back.
“Fine. You’re actually pretty cute, you know that? You have the big hair and the freckles and you know how to work a colour palette. You probably could have had a girlfriend in middle school if you weren’t, you know, like that.”
“You think?”
“Yeah, I think so. Or a boyfriend.”
“Okay, just checking, but you’re not-”
“I’m not flirting. I have a boyfriend. I just know that a lot of people think you might not be as straight as you say you are, and, well, I don’t like assigning people labels, but I don’t want to fuel the heteronormative machine either.”
“The heteronormative machine. I love it.” Tobias didn’t laugh, but he was clearly amused.
“Actually, you know what would be absolutely fire? Like, high key a look? Blue eyeshadow. And/or blue lipstick. Contrast all the warm tones in your skin and hair, bring out your eyes. That would slap. Come upstairs with me, I’m doing your makeup.”
“What?”
“You heard me. I’m doing your makeup. It’s not gonna be homoerotic or anything, it’s literally just I had an idea and it’s a good idea and I am going to make it happen. Shit, I really just wanted to use the word homoerotic and now I kinda regret it. Anyway, come on!”
“Okay, I guess.” Tobias’ mouth quirked up into what was almost a smile as he followed his friend back into the house, which was almost dizzyingly loud, and upstairs to his room.
“Are you sure you don’t want to make sure everything’s under control downstairs?” Tobias asked.
“If anything gets actually bad, Renee will handle it. I did this for my reputation, and as long as people are having a good time, I’m not gonna stop them. Also, I definitely am paler than you, so we’re skipping foundation. That’s probably a good thing since you’ve got all those freckles. Ugh, I would kill for freckles. I can put them on using eyeliner, but it’s not the same.”
“People want freckles? I always thought they just looked kinda… not bad, but not like how I wanted to look, either.”
“Oh my god, are you kidding me? I stan your freckles! They’re adorable! Masami used to have freckles but they kinda disappeared as she got older. Who else has freckles… Molly! You agree that they look super good on Molly, yeah?”
“Well, yeah, but Molly’s a girl.”
“And? Freckles aren’t gendered, hon.”
“Beauty standards are.”
“Oh, damn, I did not expect you to make that point. Shit! You do know things! Either way, the point is freckles are good. Okay, this eyeliner I’m putting on you is Seashell Blue number 76, just in case you want to buy your own. I would not have called it seashell, that’s not nearly a bold enough word, but- hey. Stop moving your eyelids so much. You’re gonna mess me up.”
“I’m not moving-”
“Which of us can see your face? Right, just… there. Good. I’m gonna do the other eye now. Don’t move, I want this to match. Oh, that’s really nice! Okay, okay, I’m using the gold palette for your eyeshadow- it’s not actually shades of gold, it’s just called that- so just keep your eyes closed and your eyebrows raised. This isn’t gonna poke or anything, it shouldn’t hurt at all.”
“Is this good?”
“Okay, so, you’re fluttering your eyelashes at me. Don’t raise your eyebrows quite that high. No, don’t furrow your brow either, just- there. Hold that. Perfect.”
Leslie stuck his tongue out as he finished Tobias’ eyes, then leaned back and smiled.
“That’s such a look. Oh my god, that’s iconic. I figured you wouldn’t want mascara so there’s none of that, but- oh, wait, do you know how to put lipstick on?”
“I know how to put chapstick on. It’s pretty much the same, right? You just kinda rub it on?”
“I don’t trust you with this. Open your mouth.”
“I can handle-”
“No you can’t. I’m doing this for you out of equal parts caring that you look good for your sake, caring that you look good for my sake, and not wanting you to wreck my lipstick. Open your mouth.”
Tobias opened his mouth, closing his eyes to avoid eye contact as Leslie applied the lipstick.
“Okay! Perfect! Look at you!” Leslie held up a hand mirror, beaming.
Tobias blinked at his reflection, almost unsure if he was really looking at himself. He was… pretty. Pretty was never something Tobias had tried to be, but he couldn’t pretend he didn’t like it. A grin overtook his face, the blue of his lips and eyes so bright that he couldn’t look away.
“I like it. I like it a lot.”
“I knew you would. Fab. Come downstairs, okay? I want to show everyone.”
Tobias rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, hesitating for just a moment before he looked up and nodded.
“Okay. But if people think I look weird or lame I’m throwing you under the bus.”
“Believe me, they won’t.”
As Tobias followed him down the stairs, Leslie felt genuine excitement build up in his chest. Maybe this party didn’t suck after all.