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Dear Tsukishima Kei-kun,
It feels weird writing a letter to someone you were just with… Not only that, it was weird, writing your full name when you have been ‘Tsukki’ in my head, and in my heart, and out loud too, even just for a while.
I was already thinking about how lucky I was when we formally met, but to be honest, Tsukki, you have been the worst.
No, you really were. Witty. Snarky. And salty.
But the first time I ever saw you, I was in elementary and surrounded by bullies. My butt was on the dirt in the playground near our houses, and you said one word. Lame. You were the tall, blonde, cool kid who was able to shut up the kids who made me cry with just a word. You were too cool, and from that moment, I was drawn in, as any other person would be in that same exact situation. Like the ocean towards the moon.
You were so beautiful to me, like the bright, bright moon in the middle of the night. You became a beacon to me. And even so, you thought volleyball was just a club. You never thought you could fight like Hinata or Kageyama could when for me, your light had been my guide. Even though you totally changed my life, you thought yourself inferior.
You’re the worst. Witty. Snarky. And salty.
When I found out we were in the same high school, here in Karasuno, I was ecstatic. But how would I ever come to talk to you? Maybe I’d hang out at the lunch concession. Instead, I just watched you from afar. I never approached you like I thought I would. I was lame, just like you said.
I mean. After all. You seemed to do so well on your own, even with Hinata and Kageyama and Yachi, and the rest of the volleyball club. Even though I heard you denied that you like them. Really, you do. I know that by now. I knew that almost immediately when you guys let me into your lives. I was lucky, even if in truth, there wasn’t really any space in there for someone like me.
When I was a kid, I had to have an operation and I started having to be at the hospital for regular check-ups. In the first year of middle school, I collapsed and I was admitted over and over. With every visit, I was there for longer and longer. Really, I didn’t get to class much in middle school, I spent more time at the hospital. And I knew something was wrong with my body.
One night, I saw my parents crying in the waiting room and I knew that my time was running out. That’s when I ran away. I didn’t want to bring my regrets with me to heaven, so I stopped holding back from what the things I always wanted to do. I really stopped hating my freckles. I decided to finally join the volleyball club, even though I was lacking in skill and was a little bit late in knowing the sport compared to you guys. I trained and practiced and begged Shimada-san to teach me the jump floater.
I ate all the sloppy fries I could.
And then I told a lie. Just one.
I lied and said that I, Yamaguchi Tadashi, liked Yachi Hitoka.
And that lie brought you to me.
Please apologize to Yachi for me… though I’m sure she understood why I had to like. She has always been perceptive like that, and I am sure she would be a great manager, beloved by all.
But I think I need someone more snarky, and wittier, someone a little bit harder to read. I think we’d be fine as friends though.
And please apologize to Kageyama and Hinata too. I think they thought I could be with them, with the team, until the end, until the third year. I think Hinata expected so much from me, even Kageyama too, but still, I let them down. Though, I think Kageyama would make a great captain. And maybe you could support him, perhaps. If you want to, Tsukki. But I think everyone expected me to be with you guys longer, and I failed the team.
So that’s wh, please tell Daichi-san and Ennoshita-san that I’m sorry, too.
You know, that underhanded lie brought me to you didn’t work out the way I had imagined.
It was darker.
And meaner.
And denser.
And more stubborn.
And so much more under the surface. You cared a lot, Tsukki.
And your eyes, too, I never knew they would be softer. And your voice was more masculine. And sweet.
Remember that bridge we jumped off? The water was so cool and refreshing. Racing each other alongside the train. I really thought I could win.
The moon we saw from the club room that night, like a delicious-looking bun. I would have gotten you the moon if I could have, Tsukki, and maybe in some ways, now that I am gone, maybe the particles of my soul can ascend far, far upward, up until the moon, to bring it down, just an inch closer, to the Earth.
Remember how we stayed at the school at night, even after club? I’m still sure there was something there in the twinkling of the stars. The falling snow, just like cherry blossoms.
What do you think, Tsukki? Do you think I made it into anyone’s heart like that? With just my freckled face and my half-useful serves? With just the littlest things I was able to offer?
I wonder if I made it into yours.
I wonder if you’ll still remember me.
If you forget me, I’ll just come back to haunt you. I would make all the strawberries you will eat too sour and never sweet. Haha, just kidding. No, I don’t want to start over. Please don’t forget me. Promise me you won’t forget me.
I’m glad it was you. I hope this reaches you, Tsukishima Kei-kun. Why, you ask? And you were probably raising one blond brow by now. It’s because you were as beautiful as the moon, and you shine like moonlight. And I am in love with you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I’m sorry we couldn’t eat all those strawberry shortcakes. I’m sorry I talk so much you always tell me to shut up. I’m sorry I was so selfish.
I’m so, so, so, so sorry. Thank you for everything.
Yamaguchi Tadashi.