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The first time Kaneki came to him like that – all smiles and dimples and ‘Hide did you see the new girl, she’s so pretty’ – Hide felt like his heart has been dropped into a bucket of ice.
Kaneki was still talking. His voice a was louder than his usual whisper, he was talking faster than usual, and there was familiar light in his eyes that was only reserved for Takatsuki Sen’s books or Hide’s less than funny jokes. The thought that someone – another person, someone that was not Hide – was able to place that light in Kaneki eyes sent Hide’s insides in a coiling writhing mess and suddenly, he wanted nothing more than to find that girl and tell her to ‘stay the fuck away from my bestfriend.’
It was all so confusing, but Hide can hardly bring himself to care about this weird changes in his body because Kaneki was still talking, smiling and Hide needs Kaneki to Stop. Talking. About. That. Girl.
So he just slung his arms around his bestfriend, trying to act as casual as usual and not like there was a burning ice lodged deep in his heart.
“Ahh~ I can’t believe you finally have a crush, man. You’re growing up!” And because he can’t help it, can’t stop himself, “Just don’t forget about me, okay? Rabbits die when they’re lonely, you know?”
He tried to phrase it as a joke, saying it as casually as he could, but Kaneki, straightened, detangling himself from Hide’s grasp and stared, his eyes burning straight into him and Hide knew Kaneki saw it for what it really is. A desperate plea.
“I’ll never leave you, Hide. Never. Not for any, or all, the girls in the world.”
Kaneki’s voice was soft but resolute and heavy, settling on Hide like a thick blanket and chasing all the cold inside him, leaving him all warm and tingly.
“All right, then.” Hide said, cracking a smile. “Then neither will I.”
((It wasn’t until later – when Kaneki was crying his heart out after being rejected by the girl – did Hide finally realized what that cold, burning sensation was. It was jealousy.
For a long time, Hide refused to think about it.))
The first time it hit him, the blow was so big, so real, that Hide had to stagger back and sit on a chair.
Kaneki was still sleeping, his head hunched on the desk with books piled around him, totally oblivious to the life-changing, earth-shattering epiphany that Hide just had.
And Hide just wanted to sing to the top of his voice, to shout his lungs out, to dance like crazy, to do a hundred stupid things. Instead, he scooted closer to Kaneki, tucks as strand of hair behind his ear, and watches as his bestfriend sleep.
((He was in love with Kaneki Ken. All along, he was in love with his dorky, nerdy bestfriend and Hide couldn't be any happier at the thought.))
The first time he saw Kaneki in the sewers, he felt like his heart was being put into a grinder.
After months of separation, worrying, planning and chasing, he was finally here, standing in the darkness of the sewers, holding a dead man’s arms he snitched from the corpses, finally, finally seeing Kaneki and it breaks his heart because this Kaneki, his bestfriend, the love of his life, looked so different, so unlike the Kaneki Ken that he knows.
His hair was white, one of his eyes red and black, his fingernails black, and there were things – his kagune, some distant part of Hide whispered – wrapped around him.
But that didn't stop Hide. This Kaneki is still Kaneki. Still the same person he fells in love with, the same flesh and blood albeit a few changes. And this Kaneki was hurt.
So he trudges on forward, raise his hand in a greeting, and try his very best to save his friend from the pit that he was in.
((Except he failed even then. Kaneki disappeared again and Hide found himself back to the worrying, the planning and the chasing.))
The first time he saw Sasaki Haise, Hide felt his entire world came into a screeching halt.
The man standing in front of him looked different, with a two-toned hair and a huge smile. He introduces himself as a ghoul investigator, complete with an ID bearing his name and the dove insignia.
He was completely different from the shy boy Hide grew up with, but Hide knew. He doesn't need a ghoul’s nose to know that this, this Sasaki Haise, is the man Hide had been searching for. He just knew that this man, this man is Kaneki Ken.
It took all of his will power not to pull the man – Kaneki Ken, his bestfriend, the guy he is in love with – into a tight crushing hug.
It also took twice that power not to break down in front of him, to beg for Kaneki’s forgiveness, because this is entirely Hide’s fault that Kaneki lost his memories, entirely Hide’s fault Kaneki’s now working for the enemy, entirely Hide’s fault.
Instead he just settle on shaking the offered hand.
((And that was even harder to do and what hurts the most. Acting like a complete stranger, as if Hide hadn't spend the majority of his life standing beside Kaneki Ken, memorizing every single quirks, every single thing that makes Kaneki, Kaneki.))
Their first kiss was just before the battle with the Aogiri Tree.
They were just about to go to their respective position, Hide with Akira in the support team at the back, and Kaneki with the newly-turned-ghoul Amon in the front line.
Except Hide tugged Kaneki’s hand, stopping him from walking away.
“Hide, what is it?”
Hide gazes into his eyes, and realizes, not for the first time, that tonight can be the last night that he will ever see Kaneki again. The last night he''ll ever see that face, the last night he'll ever hear that voice, the last night for anything and the thought scared him so much, he decided to throw all caution to the wind and kiss Kaneki on the lips.
Kaneki’s mouth was soft, a bit dry and flaky and- Oh. Hide’s mind suddenly went blissfully blank because Kaneki. Was Kissing. Him. Back.
“Come back?” Hide pleaded when they finally separated.
Kaneki didn't answered. Instead, he just pulled Hide down for another kiss.
((Hide try not to notice how sad that kiss was, how hard Kaneki was hugging him, as if the ghoul was afraid that – No. He refuse to think about that.))
The first time Hide said those three words was right after the battle.
The moment Hide saw Kaneki came crawling out of the building, looking half-dead, battered and bloodied all over but so very, very alive, Hide run forward to meet him, engulfed him in a crushing hug all the while crying.
“You’re alive. You’re alive. I love you. I love you. I love you.”
((There were still a lot to be done, the integration of the Ghouls to the human community, burying the dead, chasing the remaining members of the Aogiri Tree, but Hide can’t hardly bring himself to care. Kaneki is alive and he knew that things will be just fine.))
The first time they had sex, both of them couldn't walk for a day.