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Pansy wanted to hate it, but she just couldn't seem to bring herself to as the offending rock sat upon her finger. She hated everything that it stood for, but she didn't hate the ring itself and she didn't hate Theo because she knew that this wasn't his idea. The way he had turned ghostly white as he'd got down on one knee told her that much.
She had wanted to hate him as she watched him take her hand into his own and heard him ask the question that she had been dreading practically her whole life. She hadn't expected it this soon, especially not this close after leaving school, and yet here they were.
She'd managed to hate herself as she said: "I accept". She knew that Theo probably hated her at that moment as well; they had both been relying on her to reject him, but when it had come down to it, all she could picture in her mind's eye was her parent's disappointed faces. As much as she wanted to hate them for forcing her into this, she couldn't seem to do that either.
Her parents and his father had left them once they were officially engaged and so Pansy had decided to take Theo to one of her favourite places. If they were to be husband and wife then they should probably get to know each other a little. At least that was the excuse that she had readied herself to feed Theo should he ask why she had taken him to her family's private beach in the middle of autumn.
The real reason was that she needed to calm down. She could feel herself starting to tense up and her heart had started to pound so hard in her chest that she had thought that it was going to explode. She couldn't run to Neville's, at least not while Theo had been at the Parkinson home, and she wasn't due to go to work until the following afternoon, so the beach had to be the place that would get her breathing back to normal.
She had left him on the sand as she had walked towards the sea and let the gentle rolling of the waves wash over her - though not physically - and calm her down. It took a while but eventually, she felt like she could breathe again, that the lead weight that had sat upon her chest ever since her mother had declared at breakfast that morning that Theo would be joining them for tea.
"Why?" Theo broke the silence after what felt like it could have been an entire lifetime, and perhaps even was. "Why would you agree to this?"
"For the exact same reasons that you asked the question in the first place," Pansy told him without bothering to turn around. She could feel the tears starting to bubble up in the backs of her eyes and she knew that if she turned around and looked him in the eye, saw the disappointment that she could hear in his voice, then there would be no way that she could hold them back.
"And now neither of us have a way out." Theo let out a sigh. Pansy felt him deflate and felt her heart pang. The problem was that if she rejected him then her parents would just find someone else to 'sell' her to and she knew that would be true for him as well. She couldn't be the worst choice that there was out there, or at least she hoped that she wasn't.
"At least we're amicable with each other." She pointed out, keeping her eyes on the waves and hoping that they would take away her tears and help her to at least talk to him the way that she needed to. All her life she had been preparing for the moment that her family would give her to someone else, and she wasn't going to just simply roll over and take it. "We can make our own arrangements, ones that our parents don't need to know about."
"What do you mean?"
Pansy took a slow breath before she turned to face him. She was somehow able to keep her tears at bay for the time being now. Crying when she was trying to make a point wasn't going to get either of them anywhere.
"I mean that I'm in love with someone and even though we're not seeing each other currently, I want to see him in the future." She explained. She had done plenty of soul-searching since her date with Theo the previous day to know that there was no way that she couldn't not see Neville. She needed to have him as part of her life and she knew that even though neither of them had said it to the other, that they loved each other. She knew that it was a little conceited of her to assume that Neville loved her, but she just had a feeling.
"And you want to do that while married to me?" Theo asked slowly as if he wasn't quite getting it, which Pansy could understand. She wouldn't have believed that this was even her reality if hadn't been living it.
"Yes, and you could see whoever you want to as well. We could even have a contract drawn up, I'm open to that. I just…" She trailed off and gave a slight shake of her head before she started again. "I'm not ready to give up on him." She said that as if she had given him a chance to begin with, but it was at least something she could consider if Theo would agree to her terms.
Theo was silent again for a few moments and Pansy hoped that he was thinking it over and not just waiting for her to back down, although she found that she was actually considering that. Maybe she was insane to think that this could possibly work, but she was at the point where she was going to take what she could get.
"I'll talk to my family lawyer, see if something can be arranged." He said finally. His shoulders were still slumped and Pansy could tell that he wasn't exactly psyched about this proposed arrangement, but she was hoping that in time he would come to understand that it was for both of their benefit.
"We can make the most of this." She promised him. She really wanted him to understand where she was coming from, but she also didn't want to keep pushing the subject so instead she glanced over her shoulder at the sea and then down at the ring on her finger.
She still didn't hate it. She couldn't even make herself hate the conversation that they had just had. She couldn't help but count herself lucky that he was even open to her suggestions.
"I'm going to head home, Pansy. I imagine your mother is planning an engagement party? So you can get in touch with those details unless I hear back from the lawyer before then." Theo said finally and all Pansy could do was nod.
Part of her wanted him to stay here so that she wouldn't be alone, but the other part of her wanted to be alone so that she could process everything that had happened that evening. She also wanted to hear over to Neville's but she didn't think that that was a good idea until she knew what was going on better, so instead she just watched Theo walk on up the beach and barely moved a muscle.