Archive of Our Own ^beta

Renjun is a hopeless romantic who anonymously gets paid to write love letters, but haven’t experienced love himself. Everything started when both of his best friends started dating, mark and Haechan. On their anniversary, Haechan didn’t knew what to give Mark besides a sweatshirt, during a phone call with Renjun he literally dictated a whole love letter to Mark. That´s where it all started.

He just needs a base and a little bit of investigation to make the perfect love letter. Only Mark, Haechan and his older sister, Wendy, knew about it. Wendy didn’t really care, she was never home, and only found out because in a sleepover she overheard him and Haechan talking about it. Renjun is smart, like, really smart. He is #2 on his grade, and besides his close friends he is really quiet, but outgoing when needed.

On the other side, Lee Jeno. Tall boy, president of the student council, and yes, #1 in his grade. Someone who spent most of his time studying, and someone who needed coffee every 3 hours or he would run out of battery. Besides being the school council president, he wasn’t really noticeable, unless you had the same group of friends you wouldn’t have notice him. But Renjun did, since day 1 at the high school. At the bus stop the first day he saw this tall boy with messy hair, looking equally as nervous as him. There were many schools around the area so he didn’t think much about it. And after days went on, he continued to see him walk in the halls. He wouldn’t really pay much attention, he just thought he was cute. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Everything started a week before Valentine´s day, as expected, Renjun would be booked and busy for those days, writing at least 30 love letters. And, he didn’t really mind, he loved seeing the different sides of love stories, from people who had fights every day, to people who he thought had found true love at such a young age, lucky them. He had only experienced love through those letters, and maybe his grandma who passed away a while ago. Nonetheless he was happy. He had friends, and people to spend time with. During Valentines, he is used to spend it with Haechan every year, just the two of them. But this year was different, Mark wanted Haechan to meet his parents on that day, so it meant he was going to spend V Day on his own.

• “Jun, are you sure it’s okay?” Haechan always worries about Renjun. They’ve known each other for almost 10 years, and, every single V Day they’ve spent together is usually just them watching romcoms and eating food prepared by Haechan’s mom.

• “Yes, I told you so. I’m just going to stay at school a little longer, I need to finish those letters, have fun with Mark” And he meant it, being with Haechan was nice, but he wanted to get work done. “And if I can’t have you for V Day, and you feel that bad, you know… I could spend it with your brother. Wink wink”

• “Renjun, my brother has a girlfriend. Emphasis on the girl part” Haechan couldn’t help but chuckle as he spoke to Renjun about it.

Mark approached both of them, and that was the sign the three of them had to go. They would always take the bus and train together. But both of them would depart the train 5 stations before Renjun.

Renjun was walking towards the front wagon of the train, where there is almost anyone, until he saw the bus station boy. He was curious about where he was going to get down the train. Maybe he lived close to Renjun, and he kind of did. He got off the train one station before Renjun.

“I guess he lives near where mom works” And that is where the thought ended. The little attraction Renjun felt towards the nameless boy was so platonic yet irrelevant.

                Renjun has always been an introvert, yet somehow, he could be as annoying as an EFNP sometimes. He found it easy to be friendly and kind to people, so he almost never got into fights. That Wednesday he was walking with Haechan around the high school and he came across the nameless boy. Lord knows what got to him but he decided to say something, not taking much importance to it;

“Hey! You! The one in the black hoodie!” That boy always wears the same hoodie, all the goddamn time. The boy turned around, and that was the closest Renjun was ever to him, up close the bags under his eyes were huge. And he was really good looking.

“Yes?” Jeno was confused, but he was never unpolite or rude.

“Do you take the train to the 4 station?” Renjun was shouting but was kinda excited.

“Yes, I do, do you?” Jeno let a little smile slide.

“Yes!” Renjun kept smiling, not in a flirty way, just in a I need friends’ way.

“Well, that’s nice” Jeno smiled back, and waved goodbye.

As Jeno was walking away Haechan gave Renjun a what the fuck just happened look.

“Oh, I saw him yesterday, it was nothing” And so, Renjun and Haechan returned to their conversation, no second thought about it.

                Valentine’s Day went just fine, in total Renjun wrote about 45 letters. He felt fine, it was just another normal day for him. Except it was Friday and everyone had a date except him. The only date he had was with his 3 pending love letters and his geometry book in the library.

After saying goodbye to Haechan and Mark who went to a romantic date in the ice-skating place, Renjun went straight to the library and finish his assignments. The library was almost empty, but in front of him was the name-less boy, wearing the same stupid black hoodie. He was on his phone playing probably LoL or something. Jeno caught him staring, and the moment he saw him he smiled.

That’s a really pretty smile.

Jeno waved at Renjun, and Renjun approached Jeno asking him if he could sit there, Jeno just nodded. It felt good having some company.

--“Hi” Jeno started the conversation. “What are you writing?” Jeno took the IPad from Renjun and read the first words.

- “Are you dating someone?” Jeno raised his eyebrow trying to tease Renjun.

And Renjun proceeded to explain the whole anonymous love letter maker. Jeno actually was playing attention to him, which made him feel good.

• “Oh, so you are that famous dude, huh? I guess you have a lot of experience hah”

Renjun couldn’t help but chuckle because that was far from the truth.

• “Not really, I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. Maybe a few crushes, but nothing… relevant, let’s say, although, I think I’ve learnt something doing all of this letters, love is really superficial, everyone says the same in the letters, and I don’t know, it’s weird”

• “Honestly, I think is a matter of perspective” Jeno proceeded to turn off his phone and so did Renjun. “Maybe it’s destiny, or coincidence, you know? For example, do you know Doyoung and Taeyong? God, they are the literal definition of soulmates. They were in the same places at the same time but didn’t knew each other, and when they did, it was a matter of time until they realized they were in love and were one”

• “And the other side of the picture, Chenle and Jisung, the freshman who look straight out of clueless, always picking fights with each other in the halls or social media!” Renjun and Jeno started laughing at the situation of those two.

A loud Shhh was heard in the library, and they stopped, but they looked at each other, and started laughing again like idiots.

• “I don’t think I have ever felt what they call love. For example, you love your pet, your family, stuff like that. Yet it’s not the same as a love interest, it’s really complex. But I think love exists, it’s just really hard to find if you keep looking for it” Jeno got serious all of a sudden.

And the hours passed, 2 hours to be exact. Until it started raining and they realized it was time to leave the school.

• “Do you want to go to the station?” Renjun asked, but he actually wanted to spend more time with him.
• “I actually don’t, let’s go somewhere else, if you are okay with that, obviously” Jeno’s eye smile was glowing.
• “Let’s go to the park behind the school? There is roof and its always almost alone” Renjun suggested.

On their way out, Renjun noticed he left his umbrella at home, but in the end, he ended up sharing one with Jeno, shoulders occasionally bumping and cute looks.  Somehow, they ended up making out in the back of the school. The two smartest boys in their grade, making out in a sketchy street. Renjun had kissed boys before, yes. But he felt different. Warm.

Everything started because they were talking about how there were so much free food for couples on Vday.

“What if we act as a couple, and go for free food?” Renjun raised his brow, an gave a cheeky look to Jeno. He was obviously joking.

“But couples should kiss…” And yeah. They ended up making out to the grease soundtrack on repeat. After a couple hours of talking, kissing and eating, they went home together, and agreed to go home together every day.

• “YOU KISSED HIM, well you fucking MADE OUT WITH HIM AND DIDN’T EVEN ASKED FOR HIS NUMBER OR NAME?” Haechan’s voice was loud even through speakerphone, he was shocked at everything that happened that day without him.
• “Yes, kind of. But I’m going home with him on Monday!” Renjun was happy and skippy.

Haechan didn’t get to see Renjun this happy often. Even if he said he was happy, Haechan knew Renjun always had a lot on his mind. Renjun’s birthday was near, and Haechan was happy for Renjun to have an enjoyable birthday.

• “I’m leaving, Mark came to see me, hahahahiiiiiiii” Mark was audible through the speaker phone, and that´s when Renjun hanged up.

All that weekend Renjun couldn´t stop thinking about Friday. Did he have a crush on him? Maybe. In the end he couldn´t get over the fact he didn´t fucking asked for his name, he looked everywhere, but couldn’t find anything about him, everything was left was to wait till Monday, and hopefully get a name.

                Renjun doesn’t think he has ever been that nervous for something ever in his life, until Monday arrived. Haechan’s mom always picked Renjun up in the morning and usually had breakfast at Renjun’s. But that morning Renjun didn’t even had breakfast, he was so worried about what to wear or how to look. Seeing that was making Haechan and his mom extremely happy, they were happy seeing him happy.

At school, everything went pretty normal, in his free time he usually would write a couple of love letters, but as he was in the library, Jeno passed by and waved at him with the happiest smile. That made Renjun’s heart skip a beat. Jeno was wearing his usual black hoodie, and a jean jacket. He was looking really good according to Renjun. Soon enough, his thoughts were interrupted by the same person in them.

• “You and those love letters, who is it now?” Jeno leaned towards Renjun, eyeing the IPad in front of him.
• “This one is a good one, I think it’s a breakup letter? I don’t really know who these people are, but things are not working out, and they need a break” Renjun couldn’t look directly at Jeno, he was so intimidated and he felt his heart was about to explode due to how close Jeno was.

Jeno was called by Jaemin, vice president of the SC. He once wrote a love letter for him, he knew he was sweet, but didn’t really talked much.

• “Well, I have to go. Wait… um, I have to buy a plane ticked for my dad, do you mind going with me?”
• “Sure!” Renjun responded almost immediately. And with that Jeno was gone.

Everything went pretty normal after that, third wheeling with Haechan and Mark, probably joking around about how Mark got caught by Haechan’s dad while sneaking through his window.

        Renjun said goodbye to Haechan and Mark who both looked like proud parents.  

        Jeno and Renjun talked for hours nonstop, finding out they had a lot in common. From music taste to their favorite show. They ate ice cream and Renjun found it funny how Jeno would always be drinking coffee. Small things that made him happy, like the way his eyes would disappear whenever he smiled, or how clumsy he could be.

Soulmate.

 A soulmate is your twin, a reflection of yourself, someone that will hold your hand and walk with you in darkness.

Days went by, filled with Renjun and Jeno´s laughs. Talking about stupid, funny or Renjun´s favorite love letters. By the course of 3 days, Jeno knew almost everything about Renjun, the problems with his family, his sister’s problems, everything. But, so far, Renjun just knew Jeno’s name, and that he wasn’t from that town, that his grandpa had a lot of stores, and that was it. Jeno didn’t really talked about himself. Every day that passed, it was just enjoying each other’s company.

• “Jeno, I had a nice day, have a safe travel back home.” They were at station 4, the place where Jeno got off the train.
• “It´s okay, I’ll wait for you to get to your station, don’t worry, the train comes back” There it was, Jeno’s eye smile.
• “f-fine” Renjun was as nervous as he could be, he felt so many things at the same time. But the week was over, so he wouldn’t see Jeno for two days.

I think I found my soulmate.

“Renjun, YOU’VE MET HIM FOR 6 DAYS, HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?” Haechan was definitively worried now, yes, he understood, maybe Jeno had a crush on Renjun, by the things he had said, but nothing to special. Soulmate was a bigger word.

Renjun took a bite of his sandwich and continued. “We have so much in common, I honestly really like him, it’s like I am living a romcom or something” his eyes were shinning. That sight made Haechan feel so bad for saying what he said, so he decided to back his friend up.

They were at Renjun’s, so Wendy was there. Haechan didn’t get to see Wendy often, she was always working, studying, or at a party. She was never mean tho, and she gave pretty good advice. If it wasn’t for her, Mark and Haechan wouldn’t be together. She heard them talking and decided to speak.

• “Renjun, you’ve known him for what? A week? He doesn’t even talk about himself; how could you say he is your soulmate? That makes absolutely no sense, what if he is just being nice? Besides, you only kissed once.” Wendy actually cared about Renjun; he was her brother after all.

He didn’t even answer. It’s like he didn’t even heard Wendy, except he did. But he felt it, he felt love for the first time, or at least he thinks he does.

                A few days before Renjun’s birthday, everything went pretty normal. Leaving school with Jeno and taking the subway with him. As Tuesday came bay, Jeno was all the trip with his phone, talking to someone named “Yangyang” (? He almost didn’t even spoke to Renjun. And the story repeated on Wednesday, and Thursday. That’s when Renjun asked what he was avoiding to ask.

• “Is he your friend?” He felt nervous for no reason, right?
• “Oh, Yangyang is a close friend of mine from my old school, he actually loves Twenty-One Pilots too!” Jeno smiled, again.

TOP was Renjun’s favorite band.

• “I told him I am alone rn, or else he would get mad or something, heh. Yangyang is so sweet, I swear”

Ouch.

• “Oh, you are alone?” Renjun was kinda disappointed at what Jeno said, but he let it slide.

Renjun got fake mad, not really mad, just a little coping mechanism. He didn’t spoke throughout the rest of the ride. Jeno would occasionally poke his cheeks. He even asked if Renjun wanted him to take him all the way to station 3. Renjun hummed, or something. Jeno decided to get down at station 4. They usually would text each other things like text me when you get home, and Renjun did, except there was no answer.

Maybe he just hasn’t got home.

No answer.

Maybe he is just doing homework.

No answer.

Maybe his phone died.

No answer.

                Two days till Renjun’s birthday.

Renjun saw Jeno, Jaemin, and Lucas (President, ViceP and Treasurer) going down the stairs, he didn’t feel anything weird, so he called Jeno’s name.

• “Are we going home together today?” Renjun was his usual self, happy and skippy when it came to Jeno.
• “Actually, no, I have basketball practice” Unlike Jeno, who was extremely serious. And… basketball? He never mentioned anything like that!
• “I-it’s okay maybe later” Exactly mid talking Jeno just turned his back and left.

Why am I crying? It´s just basketball practice, maybe he was tired today. No matter how hard Renjun tried to think positively he was just digging a deeper whole. And he had no idea why. He didn’t even call Haechan, he just, left school for the day. Somehow, such small words had a huge impact on him, and he didn’t even know why; maybe it was the way Jeno said it? Maybe it was his serious face? Who knows? But Renjun was already devastated by such a small action.

Maybe he was just tired, maybe he was just going through something, yeah that must be it.

Basketball? He mentioned it, but he said he dropped off weeks ago.

                After hours of overthinking he finally told Haechan, who advised him to just let it slide. Everyone has bad days, and days where we just want to be alone, and that was true. But Renjun couldn´t stop thinking about what he could´ve done to make Jeno mad. He had 4 letters due for the next day, so he had to get that done; but all those sweet love stories weren’t helping. That night he ended later than usual. He decided to text Jeno not really hoping for an answer.

Jenoo <3

Hii, jeno. I know it’s really late, but, um, are you mad at me?

• Not really, something happened at home, I wasn’t feeling good, sorry.

Oh, it’s okay then :D<3 are we going home together tomorrow?

No answer. Not even seen. But Renjun felt somehow better than hours ago. Slightly.

                A day before Renjun’s birthday.

Renjun noticed Jeno didn’t even waved at him once and was avoiding him. He couldn’t help but feel tense about that, what the fuck was happening? No matter how hard he tried to approach him, Jeno would always brush him away. Haechan and Mark began to worry about how Renjun’s mood drastically changed. That day he didn’t even eat, and the timing was not the best.

Haechan was worried he wouldn’t be able to enjoy his birthday. Originally, he had planned a surprise party, and wanted to know what the hell was going on, so he tried inviting Jeno.

• “Lee Jeno!” Haechan shouted with a certain annoyance in his voice.
• “Um, hi” Jeno knew he was a close Renjun friend, he almost knew everything about Haechan due to how much Renjun would talk about him.
• “Tomorrow is Junnie’s birthday, at my place, I was hoping you could go?”
• “Oh, I´m busy tomorrow, heh” Jeno ran away.

What the fuck.

Renjun’s birthday was a bittersweet memory, nothing out of the ordinary happened, just an average high school party, with a bunch of alcohol and people kissing everywhere. He enjoyed it, but he was just, too sad.

Jenoo <3

Oh, it’s okay then :D<3 are we going home together tomorrow?

Today.

Hey are you there?

Is everything okay?

I feel like you’ve been avoiding me

No answer. Not even a week after. Not even two.

He couldn’t help but feel sad whenever he would see Jeno around the school, or when he would write those stupid love letters.

• “I hate boys” That was the first thing Renjun said to Haechan as soon as he woke up.

They had a sleep over, and the whole night before, Renjun was crying his heart out, and his mind got so bad he even had to shut down the letter writing for some time.

• “You hate boys or do you just hate Jeno?”
• “I DON’T KNOW, it’s just, I guess I thought he liked me? And now all my feelings are mixed up, I am gonna tell him on Monday, for sure” Renjun was determined, he knew or felt that Jeno was someone who he had to have in his life, for sure.
• “That’s a bad idea, I think he has marked his distance really clear, Renjun”

Haechan was definitively not up for that idea, he knew things wouldn’t go as Renjun was expecting. Because love wasn’t like that. Love wasn’t a romcom, like they show in movies or tv shows. Nonetheless, Renjun was stubborn, in fact he was kinda dumb too.

Oh, so he can get straight A’s but can’t recognize when someone doesn’t like him, that makes no sense. -Haechan

And just as Haechan expected, Renjun messaged Jeno, again, except this time Jeno actually answered.

Jenoo <3

Hi, I um, I was wondering if you wanted to go home with me tomorrow.

Also, sorry if I’m being annoying.

• Sure, don’t worry.

“Told you, this boy is the love of my life!” Renjun shouted and Haechan just laughed his ass of while being extremely concerned about Renjun’s heart.

• “You know I could be dying and my mom wouldn’t answer the phone” Jeno was laughing while buying the plane ticket.

• “How on earth could you be DYING and be able to use a phone?” Renjun was cracking up, and so was Jeno.

• “I just know I would! Don’t look down on me!” Jeno took the ticket and they continued their way to the train station.

Haechan just didn’t thought it was a good idea, he had a bad feeling about Jeno and Renjun just being all over him. It just wasn’t right, neither Renjun being so insistent, or Jeno being all rude and avoidant towards Renjun. Lord knows what was about to happen.

Or nothing at all. Absolutely nothing happened. The train was so full they even got teared apart, and Jaemin was also there; meaning Renjun was all chickened out. So, his last resort was telling him through a message.

• “Absolutely not! That was a sign, you must not tell him!” Haechan was glad nothing happened, he actually could save Renjun’s dignity.

But, god. Renjun seemed to hate himself.

• “Already texted him” Shivers, there were shivers all over Renjun body, and he could have just deleted the message, but he didn’t, he felt maybe things could go well.

Hi, jeno.

Maybe you blocked me? I can’t see your profile picture, anyway, doesn’t matter. Um, I know we haven’t known each other for long, but we just have so much in common, I think I caught feelings, ever since our first kiss. I don’t know why you are suddenly being so distant with me, but I’ve already caught feelings.

I like you, Jeno.

• “God, for someone who writes love letters for money, that was whack” Haechan just wanted to light up the mood.
• “Well, now we wait. Now, how did everything with Mark went?”

And so, they got lost in endless conversations about how Mark and Haechan were fighting over Universities and relationship problems. Being with Haechan was a blessing for Renjun, he never got “mom’s advice” and his sister was never home, and they were the farthest thing from close. Haechan was his family and personal therapist. But as they were talking, Renjun couldn’t help but wait for an answer, even tho he was afraid of the answer, he still wanted to know.

The weekend ended and still, no sign of Jeno answering, or even opening the message. Until mid-class Renjun’s phone vibrated, and indeed, it was Jeno. He didn’t even care he was in an exam; he left the class as soon as he could.

A voice note?

Renjun’s first instinct was dragging Haechan out of class too so he could listen to it first.

• “Sooo?” Renjun was shaking, but needed to know what the hell was going on.
• “Not bad, but it really isn’t pleasant. I’m not sure it´s what you are waiting for” Haechan was lying, it was sad. And he felt bad for his friend. He took a deep breath and prepared himself for a crying Renjun.

Renjun’s fingers were shaking, he felt fuzzy, nauseous and wanted to throw up. And so, he pressed play to hear Jeno’s voice. His deep deep voice. That somehow made his nonsense sound so mature and interesting.

“Oh, haha, well, thank you.

I just can’t seem to see you that way. I really enjoyed spending time with you, but we are better off as friends. I’m sorry.”

He had recorded that at school, the laughs around the audio made it really clear. He didn’t cry, he wasn’t mean or anything. But Renjun was either really dumb or really stubborn, no in between.

• “Don’t. Text. Him. Back.” Haechan knew what Renjun was about to do, he knew him better than anyone. He was just going to hurt himself even more than he already had. But Renjun was faster than Haechan and he had already sent a voice memo back.

“it’s okay. I wasn’t really expecting anything less, heh, and I hope we can continue being friends and hanging out, because I really enjoy being with you. “

• “You are hopeless” Haechan was feeling so much regret and he wasn’t even the one who sent the voice memo.
• “He answered” When Haechan turned to see Renjun he saw a heartbroken Renjun as he had never seen before.

He was fine 2 minutes ago

                “Haha, cool” That was Jeno’s only words, but there were people laughing at the back, as if they were making fun of Renjun. That made him feel like a joke, why couldn’t he have a simple love?

The next few weeks were filled by Haechan trying to make Renjun feel better, but his friend’s mental state was deteriorating, everything got worse when the exams results came and Renjun had failed 5 classes. Why? He was #2 best in his grade, what had happened to the smartest boy Haechan had ever known?

Renjun had tried to approach Jeno multiple times, whether it was by a text, a call, maybe waving at him and not getting a response. No matter how hard he tried, nothing was coming back to the way it used to. Why did he feel so stuck on someone he didn’t even properly knew? Why did he fall so hard? With every minimal rejection, every seen, every mean thing Jeno would indirectly do to him he would fall harder. At one point he even felt in love; just by seeing him at school, maybe trying to match his schedule just to see him 5 minutes. With the hope maybe, and only maybe, Jeno would even say hello back.

Months passed. Easter passed. Halloween passed. With the blink of an eye it was already New Years Eve. Still no answer from Jeno.

Renjun called him multiple times, he probably even ran to him at the train, but Jeno would always ignore him. Or even run away from him. It got so bad, whenever someone would say his name we would start crying. He ended up failing the year and had to take extra classes to pass the year.

“Jeno, I don’t care if you avoid me or not, or even if you leave me on read. Jeno, I miss you so much, so fucking much. I miss talking to you, and, idk, I’ve wanted to talk to you so many times. I’ve cried so much thinking about how much I miss you and not being able to do anything about it.

I don’t think I can keep on going this way. It hurts so bad. I love you, a lot. Goodbye”

“I need to talk to you, I don’t care when or how, but I need to call you. Please tell me when you are able to do so”

Seen.

• “Junnie, are you spending New Years at my house? Or your mom is going home?” Haechan’s voice was happy through the phone. New Years was, (according to Haechan) the best time of the year. A fresh start. They are used to spend it together on Haechan’s house, his entire family knew Renjun and was treated no longer as a friend but a Lee family member. Cute.
• “My mom is coming home, apparently she wants to introduce us to her boyfriend” Renjun had no feelings towards her mom, it just… was uncomfortable. But nothing that couldn’t be handled by mom’s guilt money, right?

Night was just fine, nothing out of the ordinary, but he definitively missed his Haechan. Lately Wendy was being closer to him, out of nowhere, he didn’t mind tho. But it was definitively weird. As the clock marked de 12:00 mark he received a voice memo from Haechan who was definitively not sober. But instead of listening to that he decided to text Jeno, just one more time.

Jenoo <3

happy new year!

He had nothing to lose, right?

Haechan’s voice memo was filled by cheering background noises and a drunk boy who loved his best friend. He loved Haechan, and was grateful for him. He felt a bit happy, just one bit. Maybe next year wouldn’t be that bad. And maybe, just maybe, he could get over Jeno.

Until a message on his screen popped up. And that little bit of hope just faded away.

Jenoo <3

happy new year!

• Why would you text me if you know I’m not answering you?

Tears started falling.

“Why was he so mean?

What the fuck did I do for him to hate me so much?”

Wendy gave him a hug from the back surprising him, but somehow that was calming, and it made him feel at ease.

• “I love you, Jun. But I need you to stop, I’ve been watching you hurt yourself with every little attempt. You know it’s not going to work, please stop” Wendy sighed but never lost the grip around Renjun’s shoulders.

Wendy gave him a small note that said I love you, those words he never got to hear from his mom, but now needed to hear more than ever.

• “happy new year, renjun” Wendy let go of Renjun and left to her room.

Everything felt hopeless for Renjun, he felt alone. He knew he had Haechan and Mark by his side, but at the end of the day they were a couple, and they would always spend more time together. He had his sister, and he wasn’t in need of anything. He felt like he didn’t have the right to feel that way, there were more problems in the world. Not about a stupid boy, right?

He still had half of the school year; he could change things for the better. Doing things right was what Renjun wanted to do. It was a new year, and a new start. He wanted to make new friends, and have new experiences that maybe could help him cope with that stupid broken heart.

                By May, Renjun was able to get his life on track again. Kinda. He was already #5 on his grade, and he had realized how bad he reacted about Jeno, he hated how he had been so stubborn. So, instead of wanting Jeno back, he decided to apologize. He thought maybe that was going to give a better closure for that chapter of his life. He had changed mentally.

Jenoo <3

“I think, maybe I need to change his name after all”

Lee Jeno

Hey, I just wanted to say I’m sorry? For everything you went through because of my stubbornness, I am ashamed and sorry. I hope someday we can be friends again!

Somehow, he got a fast answer, that was definitively not what he expected.

Lee Jeno

For fucks sake, Renjun. Just leave me the fuck alone, understand, I don’t want to be around you, that kiss? It was valentine’s day both of us were fucking lonely it was nothing just fucking leave me alone, fuck

And that, was the beginning of a vicious circle that Renjun just couldn´t stop. That hurt more than anything, but he was not going to give up.

Lee Jeno

THEN JUST FUCKING TELL ME WHY YOU WERE SUDDENLY SO MEAN TO ME. WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?

Seen.

It was worthless telling Haechan. He would always say the same thing, to just “let it slide”. He was on his own. Or at least his own mind made him think so. That night, as he got home, he opened his notebook and took a pen, to write just one last love letter.

It took him two hours, and My Blood by TOP on repeat.

He called Haechan, it was 3 am in the morning, but he answered. Renjun said he needed him at his place. Haechan thought it was an emergency of some sort, but when he arrived and it was just because of a love letter, he couldn’t help but feel angry at Renjun.

A feeling that quickly was filled by tears.

• “How the fuck are you so good at expressing your feelings? And why the fuck does reading this hurt so bad?” Haechan’s tears were even worse than Renjun’s at that point. Everything he could do was hug Renjun, and ended up sleeping at his place, hugging him, and telling him how much he loved him.

Morning came by slowly. The sunrise was especially beautiful that day, a mix of purple and pink painted the sky, wind moving the leaves of the trees and a warm ray of sunshine coming through Renjun’s window.

Haechan knew Renjun better than anyone. That morning he remembered the first time they met; Renjun was all alone in the swings of the park, and Haechan approached him. They were around 7 or 8 years old, and kids are kind. Haechan asked him where were his parents, Renjun didn’t answer. And every time Haechan would go to the park he would try and talk to Renjun. Somehow, after 2 weeks of trying, Renjun finally spoke. He told Haechan that his mom had left and he was left with her older sister. Sooner or later he understood everything. Renjun’s mom was never home, she would waste all of her money in alcohol or drugs. Leaving Renjun with his older sister Wendy for the majority of his childhood. Wendy was the definition of a responsible but rebel teen, she would work at subway just to earn some money for food, their mom would pay every service month by month, but months could pass and she wouldn’t be home.

When Wendy was not home, she would most likely be smoking or getting drunk at parties, leaving Renjun alone, and that’s when Haechan arrived to light his life up. Renjun was lonely for the majority of his life, but being with Haechan made him feel better, even if it was for a split second. Renjun was smart since he was a kid, Haechan remembers he would always see him in the library reading some stupid love histories, and he figured, maybe his friend needed love, and that’s why he got so attached when someone besides Haechan gave him a little affection.  Renjun was a nice person, but he never got to experience love as a child, except from his grandma. His grandma was the sweetest person to ever exist, she was an author of romantic short stories, those that are extremely cliché and always end up in a happy ending. She had so much effect in Renjun’s life that when she passed away Renjun couldn’t get out of bed for 2 weeks straight, luckily Haechan was there. Haechan was always there for his ups and downs. And so was Renjun, he was always for Haechan, sometimes even Wendy was there. Renjun was there when Haechan straight up hated Mark and when Haechan realized he actually liked Mark’s visits through his window. He loved Renjun, and it hurt seeing him that way, especially when Renjun had never write a love letter for someone he liked.

                And the semester finally ended. They made it; senior year was coming up for them. Maybe it was going to be a better year for them? Who knows.  The first day of school was always filled with laughs, cheers and hugs all over the place from people who haven’t seen each other at all in the summer. Renjun was able to make some friends, or at least some people who made him feel less lonely. Chenle and Jisung. The whole summer was just drinking and getting drunk at parties, including Renjun. That wasn’t the healthiest way to cope, but it was somehow useful, and he had nothing else to do. He started writing love letters again, and he had to deal with a confused Markhyuck; Mark wanted to go to school abroad, but both of them were realistic enough to know that it wasn’t going to work that well.

The moment he arrived to his classroom he encountered the surprise of him being in the same class as Jaemin and Lucas. Jaemin was a sweet introverted person, who most likely did drugs but somehow managed his school life great, Lucas was a total shitty person. During one of the summer parties, he tried kissing Renjun, but was probably to drunk to remember. Lucas was the kind of person who would annoy you until you drop, besides, he was just mean. Renjun couldn’t help but feel intimidated.

                As the semester went on, he became friends with Jaemin, who was a sweet sweet person and was nothing like Lucas. Jaemin and Renjun would even sometimes talk on the phone till 3 or 4 am, or maybe until one of them fell asleep.

• “I actually knew about you, I never thought you had bad intentions, and Jeno was a complete asshole to you” Jaemin’s voice was relaxing through the phone.
• “To be honest everything I wanted was to know a fucking reason and to apologize to him” Renjun hadn’t talked about Jeno in a long time, so it was almost nice to let out all of those emotions.
• “Oh, that? Haha, Jeno is a dumb asshole who is just to rancorous, he was actually mad just because of you getting mad or not talking to him through the ride”

That was it, the answer he was looking for.

• “Wait, really?” Renjun was shaking. “That is so beyond stupid, holy fuck”
• “I know!”

“What the fuck? That is genuinely so stupid, he was so mean to me for something so stupid!”

 That night Renjun read the letter he had written to Jeno. He added some more things, and now he actually didn’t want to apologize anymore. HE WANTED AN APOLOGY, suddenly his feelings changed from sadness to anger. And to be honest, yes it was a stupid reason. Renjun didn’t said much about it anymore, he felt so angry to even think about Jeno.

                One night at a party Renjun received a message from Jeno.

Lee Jeno

Hi

• “Don’t answer, don’t you fucking answer Huang” Haechan may have been drunk but he knew something was not right with that message.

And Renjun didn’t, but as they said, curiosity killed the cat.

 Lee Jeno

Hi

How are you doing?

• Fine, how about you?

Fine

Hey

• What?

Oh, that hey sounded fishy, it really did. He was getting almost immediate answers. Something just wasn’t right.

I wanted to say that I am sorry

For treating you the way I did.

• It’s whatever

No, it ‘s not whatever, it was wrong.

Can we be friends again?

• Wait, really?

“What the fuck?” Renjun whispered to himself, somehow every thing and every moment he spent with Jeno was coming back. Every memory he tried so hard to erase from his memory came back. After that he didn’t really got an answer. He never answered. It was too good to be true indeed. Jaemin ended up telling him that wasn’t really Jeno, it was one of his friends who felt bad for Renjun.

Of course it was.

Renjun decided to show him the letter. Jaemin couldn’t hep but shed a tear, and he was going to be honest to Renjun.

• “Renjun, you’ve been such a good friend and an amazing person. But you need to stop hurting yourself so much, Jeno is dating YangYang, and I know him really well, he is an asshole. You should stop and start taking care of yourself”

And he knew it was true, he had to. There were a lot of things to worry about other than Jeno.

Maybe his college entrance exams, comforting Haechan and trying to stop him from throwing his dreams of being a Mechanical Engineer to the trash just because Mark was going to Canada to study music. He had to worry about himself, and his unhealthy vicious circle.

And, he did.

He really did.

He graduated.

He worked on himself, and sometimes he would even dream of Jeno. It still hurted, but not as much as before. He still thought Jeno was his soulmate, but it just wasn’t meant to be. During college he published his first novel, a love story. Keeping the track of his grandmother. And Haechan was by his side, Wendy too. Wendy was by him side, and everything felt just fine, after so many years, he felt so much better. He had no clue what was going on with Jeno, and he never wished him any bad, in fact, he wished for Jeno to be happy.

                Renjun was 21 now, it had already been 5 years since he met Jeno. Oh, Lee Jeno, the schoo council president, #1 on his class. Someone who needed coffee every 3 hours or else he just wouldn’t work. Oh, Lee Jeno, someone who wasn’t a bad person. Renjun was thankful for him, he was, he thought him so much stuff, and now he was better, he felt happy, and he was where he was supposed to be.

Haechan was now studying his dream career, he broke up with Mark, but they ended up in good terms, and both of them promised to work on themselves, and if destiny wanted, they would meet again, someday. Someday, maybe.

Wendy was the CEO of his own company, both Renjun and her sister lived together in New York.

Everything was fine.

Jeno, was studying Medical Illustration in Seoul. Jeno didn’t know about Renjun, and as he grew up, he realized his actions were wrong. They always were. It was too late to do anything now. But, Renjun never meant anything to Jeno. Maybe someone who idealized him too much that it ended up being annoying. That was it.

Life was pretty normal for everyone, because all of them deserved happy endings. Every single person had their own fights that they had to overcome to get where they were supposed to be.

                Jeno signed up to an exchange program to New York. During his first days he wasn’t able to go on and explore the city, but he had an entire year left. During his second month he heard the name “huang renjun” it was long since he had listened to that name, his curiosity was big enough to overhear that now he was a successful author. It made sense to him, somehow a wave of nostalgia ran through his body.

Nostalgia. A sentimentality for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.

Somehow, he recalled the first time they met, Renjun was writing his stupid love letters. Good memory. He never felt anything for Renjun, never. But those waves of nostalgia made him feel bad about that. But nostalgia wasn’t going to fix anything, besides, he never cared. Why would he care now?

Jeno came from a wealthy family, and he was never lonely, or had bad memories growing up.

                Renjun went out by himself a lot, he really enjoyed his presence, that was one of the things he grew up to love. Bars were really close to where he now lived. He never got drunk anymore. He just enjoyed what was around him.  It was pretty nice.

He was just having a drink and texting Haechan, when someone tapped his shoulder.

• “Huang Renjun, do you still write love letters for money?” He recognized that voice, yet he found it hard to believe when he turned his head.

It was Jeno, fucking Lee Jeno. He had changed quite a lot, his face no longer looked like a teenager, he was an adult now.

• “Lee Jeno? What are you doing here?” Renjun had already gotten over him, and he wasn’t going to fall again. But this time, he wasn’t going to fail. He knew better.

During that night, they talked about their lives, about how hard it was to get into college, or get his book published. They even talked about high school.

• “About that, this time I mean it, I´m sorry. I knew you were hurt, but I was too selfish to care, please, forgive me” Jeno couldn’t even look up at Renjun while saying that.

Renjun took Jeno’s chin and made him look up. He seemed to take something out of his wallet. It was a paper with something written on it. Renjun took the letter and placed it in Jeno’s hand.

• “I appreciate that, Lee Jeno. All this time, it was everything I wanted, a sincere apology. I never thought you were a bad person, never. And I’m sorry too. I’ve had this letter for the past 5 years with me, giving this to you makes me feel good about closing a chapter. Please, take it, and thank you…” Renjun was smiling as he let go of Jeno’s hand. He stood up and left. No more words.

He felt like he could finally move on. After all of these years, he was able to move on.

“Haechannnnieeeeee!” Renjun’s voice was loud through the speaker phone, and before Haechan could answer, Renjun was already speaking again.

“I feel so so so happy right now, I love you, thank you for being there for me always, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t four you” Renjun was crying happy tears after all of these years.

And on the other side of the line, Haechan was smiling too. Seeing Renjun happy was all he ever wanted and more.

                Jeno was confused about what he had in his hand right now. It was a piece of paper folded in six. He could tell it was old, the paper was one of the notebook pages the school provided to them at the beginning of the year.

A love letter.

To Lee Jeno;

Have you ever thought of the sentence “what if” or “everything happens for a reason?”? Mine does, almost all the time, thinking about what we could’ve been together. How happy we could’ve been, or at least the friendship we could have had if things were right. Oh, Lee Jeno, everything was so short and insignificant, I don’t even know why am I even writing this.

The way you completely stole my heart has no explanation.

Sometimes, I come to think that knowing you was not “just a coincidence”, maybe it was destiny… or maybe not. Maybe you were just there at the time when I felt the loneliest. But I’ve thought about so many things that I don’t know which one is the right one.  The only thing I know is that you hurt, for sure. And you know, you know that I cry for you every night. I miss you, or, most likely, I miss the idea of you I created in my mind.

Being with you made me feel good, your company was a blessing, and something I needed for a long time, but things never go as one expects, right? Maybe if I wasn’t so selfish that day, maybe. Everything seemed to disappear whenever I was with you. Every night I stay up hoping to maybe change everything, but I never do. I don’t even know what I need, whether its being with you or a coherent answer. I don’t even now what to say or feel anymore. If someday you experience that, having a one side love, I think you’ll understand, but I would never wish you that. I am not even close to understanding why am I suffering so bad or why the fuck I’m so hurt over someone who I don’t even know. Every memory we had, I remember it so vividly, every word, I just can’t seem to wonder if there was ever something between us; even a simple friendship. But I never do, because I think I know the answer, and that scares me out, Jeno. I´ve always been a fan of you, your intelligence and you as a whole. All those little things that hurt so bad. Yet, what hurts the most, is that I can’t do anything about it. The fact you wont ever read this, because you ignore my calls, my texts, and me.  And over all, the fact I don’t have the guts to face everything, and that, you will never be my friend again, and I will never be the same Renjun.

I think I am in love with you. But ypu are just a wish. We were never meant to know each other.

As time went by, I wondered whether I wanted to be with you, or simply an apologize. Somehow, you got in many songs that now hurt to listen, I want to tell you how much you mean to me, how in love I am with you. It hurts so bad, wanting to go back in time and making things right, maybe looking for you earlier in life, maybe that time being a better person.

I will never know if us were meant to be that day at the library. Maybe I shouldn’t have talked to you that day. Maybe you are not my destiny. Maybe it was a coincidence. Lee Jeno, I hope someday you’ll realize how much you mean to me. Maybe things in the future will change, as I say to Haechan.

Maybe, maybe…

What a shame being stuck on a maybe.

• Huang Renjun.

Jeno started crying. Jeno felt like shit. Just like Renjun did all those years ago.

He wanted to make things right now, maybe they were meant to be. Maybe that’s why they met again in New York again. That way, Jeno ran as fast as he could outside the bar.

But it was too late.

Maybe if he had payed attention.

Maybe If he ran faster, maybe he could’ve found Renjun.

But he didn’t.

Renjun was fine now. He was fine now.

And karma finally took Jeno by the throath.

Maybe if Jeno was a bit nicer back then. Maybe. Maybe things would’ve been different.

What a shame being stuck on a maybe.