Work Text:
There’s this unspoken thing now - that they’re a package deal. In the midnight talks and the texting over skype at every moment they can spare - there’s something there that wasn’t before.
Dan would be lying if he didn’t say that it’s nice to have. Even with the fear and doubt and secrecy. He sort of likes the attention online, that it’s all out in the open like it isn’t a sin. People ask all the time and it’s just this - reassurance that it isn’t all in his head. He doesn’t like to brag - doesn’t have much to brag about in general - but, well, he doesn’t really mind bragging about the fact that he bagged Phil.
Not that he’s ever going to tell them outright. It’s not their business, never will be. The few people that follow him run away with the little hints they get.
It’s weird that they care. Weird, but nice. A little validating - maybe exciting, on the good days.
Feels a little bit like a game, giving people a taste but not enough to really chew. For him and Phil, it’s this game of running around and trying not to be caught. Testing fate, seeing how far they can go before someone calls them out. Their own little Romeo and Juliet story, except that they’re getting out of it alive. Hopefully. Probably. Some days Dan doubts it, for himself.
He doesn’t tell Phil that.
He likes to think he gets to be part of a great love story. After everything, he’s earned that at least.
There’s part of it that feels like growing up, having this life his parents know nothing about. Not that they knew - or cared - about his life before Phil. It’s very adult, being in a relationship and making big plans and buying train tickets with his own money. Some of Phil’s money. It doesn’t matter. They’re in it together.
Phil has a big dream for them. Living in Manchester in their own apartment -
“Two bedrooms.”
“No, one. Why would we have two bedrooms? We’ll film videos in the lounge and --”
“What if my parents come to stay?”
“Wouldn’t they get a hotel?”
“No, no. That’s not what I mean. What if they come and…. If there’s only one bed. They’ll know.”
Phil’s face drops. The image glitches and it stays like that for half a second too long. It’s all Dan can see - the disappointment. He should be used to seeing that face on people he cares about by now.
“Yeah,” Phil says, playing with the rubber band on his wrist. “Guess that wouldn't work.”
“It’s not like I’d sleep in the other room, ever,” Dan tries.
Phil presses his lips together, tries for a fake smile. He can’t fool Dan. “I know.”
There’s a silence that eats away at Dan’s insides. But he can’t fool Phil either, and he can’t push away this fear he has. He wants it - so much. He wants the future Phil dreams up for the both of them, attached at the hip. After so long apart, they’d never let each other go. Not for five minutes to the shops for some milk. They’d go together. That’s what Dan thinks - wants. His introvert core screams at the thought, but his heart wants nothing more to be constantly annoyed by Phil’s presence.
He didn’t think it would work at the beginning. Any sort of relationship advice would tell him not to start one long distance. The odds are stacked against them and someone’s bound to find out - make Dan’s life a living hell until he escapes to uni next year. If he goes.
Phil’s future plan doesn’t include Dan going to uni. Probably because he knows that Dan doesn’t really want to go at all. He wants to go to be out of this house, to be his own person, to meet people that aren’t the same Forest assholes he’s been stuck trying to make friends out of. Uni itself - is a necessary evil so he can finally get away.
Dan’s dreams - not that they’re worth much - don’t line up with law or psychology or whatever it is he ends up studying. His dreams - well, there’s not really a specific word for them. He just wants to be - out there. Out there! He’s just not sure what that means. And you can’t put that on an application.
His dreams these days, well, most of them just look like Phil.
“I wish I was there,” Dan repeats. He can’t count how many times he’s said that, a screen and hundreds of miles separating them.
“Me too. Just a few more weeks.”
“Well, if I was there now I’d kiss you and then you’d stop making that face.”
“You think your kisses are that powerful?” Phil’s fringe falls messy over his eyes, he squints down at the camera. Dan swallows something thick. He’s too hot in this room. It makes him go all squirmy on his bed.
“Course they are. You should know that by now.”
Phil hums. Unspoken secrets and memories laced in his stare.
“I’m just saying, I miss you.”
“I miss you too.”
“I miss you like every single second of the day, Phil. I don’t know who I am without you,” he blurts, always on the edge of too much.
Every inch of him is overdramatic. Everything feels like an exclamation point right now. Phil! The feelings! Being apart! Their future! Together! Those heightened feelings all banding together to rip him apart. It’s hard to explain. So he does the teenager thing - slams doors and stays up far too late talking to Phil and writes little poems about how it all feels. It’s all he knows.
“...Dan.”
“I’m sorry I’m too much.”
“Don’t you dare apologize.”
He can’t sit on his hands anymore. They fly into his hair and pull at the root. He goes, “What if I came up now? I’ll pack a bag or two and bring everything I need to just live. I’ll hide in your room and you can bring food up to me like I’m a secret runaway.”
“You can be my secret monkey.”
“What?”
“Nothing, keep going.”
“Well, I’ll just stay with you until we get a place. I won’t have to live here in this stupid fucking house and my parents won’t be able to ruin it all. It’ll just be us. Let’s just do it, literally what is stopping us?”
“You’d quit your job?”
“I don’t give a shit about my fucking job. I can get one in Manchester.”
Phil’s smile drops just a little bit. Dan goes to try harder, but.
“I don’t think it will work. It’s a nice idea.”
“I don’t want to be anywhere without you.”
Phil giggles, hiding his grin in the collar of his tshirt. “Me neither.”
“Then let me be with you.”
Phil shakes his head, still smiling but Dan can see where it doesn’t meet his eyes. Even through the grainy image on his computer. “It’ll be so much better if we wait. You won’t have to hide anywhere. We’ll get a place - two bedrooms, like you said. You won’t have to run away.”
There’s something in Dan’s throat. It makes him want to cough. He blinks fast. It’s suddenly all spilling over at once.
Phil isn’t supposed to be his escape from this. He deserves better than that. Dan doesn’t deserve him at all. Letting him be the thing he runs to when he can’t be here - when he doesn’t know how to be at all. It’s that burden he doesn’t want to be for Phil.
But it’s not the only reason. It’s not the only thing Dan needs, wants, from him. He has to know that. He wants everything. Needs it, almost. Can’t function without it.
He wants to run away to be with Phil. He wants that fantastic, dramatic story. But, it’s not what Phil wants, or needs. Phil needs something stronger. Something bigger than Dan. But Dan needs Phil more than Phil needs him. Dan needs him so bad - nothing can compare to it.
So he tries. He works himself into whatever he can gather up, into something that resembles what Phil needs from him. Stows away the little Dan-insecurities that only ever cause more problems and frustrate Phil. He sits up a little straighter, and becomes the man Phil loves - hiding away the boy Phil saved.
Not that it really means anything. Phil can see right through it. They’re practically the same person, growing into each other and Dan - he used to roll his eyes at people like them.
“It won’t be like this forever,” Phil says, leaning in like it closes any kind of distance.
Dan nods, touching his finger to the screen right over Phil’s mouth. “I’m never sleeping in the second bedroom.”