Archive of Our Own

Tulips. Multicolored, gorgeous, romantic. I smiled as I bent down to smell them. How ironic that they'd be placed right outside my hospital window.

During volleyball, Daichi was late. Funny. I swore I'd seen him during first period... oh well. Ukai started practice without him. Kageyama and Hinata were doing separate practice while I did sets for Asahi and Tanaka. The Autumn air was both warm and cold. I was in the zone today. All of my sets were coming perfectly. Until the moment I heard the voice and saw the sight that would change my life.

"Sorry I'm late." The familiar, warm voice of my best friend said at the door. I tossed to Asahi and he slammed it down on the other side of the court.

We cheered and I looked over proudly at Daichi, only for my face to fall. First I saw his face, his bright, perfect face. Then, standing closely to his right, the girl's volleyball captain. I began to smile at her and welcome her in when my eyes locked on their linked hands. This was when I paused, the whole team noticed at the same time as I did and rushed over to congratulate the new couple. I stared from the back, although the team was crowded around them, the image was burned into my mind. His hand, wrapped tightly around hers. My heart felt pain like thorns wrapping around it. I had to get myself together, I pulled a smile on my face and walked over. "Give them some space guys!" I said with a forced laugh.

They backed up a little and my eyes met Daichi's. I couldn't hold his gaze, so I tightly closed my eyes in a smile. I walked up to them and patted Daichi on the shoulder. This was the most painful thing I'd ever done in my life. My legs felt like led. My breathing was heavy. "You two are a couple now huh?"

Daichi nodded, he looked happy, smiling at her. "Yup!"

I squeezed his shoulder, "Congrats! I wish you both the best." I couldn't look at her. I was afraid if I did, I would lash out.

"Thanks." Daichi, released her hand to hug me and my heart raced like it always did around him. "You're the best." He patted my back as we parted and he took her hand again.

"Happy announcement, but that is no reason to be late Sawamura. Go take a lap." Ukai said. "And the rest of you get back to practice."

"Yes coach." I suppressed everything that I was feeling. Suddenly my good mood and the tosses I was making had become subdued. In a state of numbness until I could wrap my head around what was happening.

Daichi walked home with her that day. I was walking with Asahi and Ennoshita. They were talking but I wasn't listening. The world around me looked different somehow. It all seemed dull.

A side note: Everything sparkles when you're in love

Asahi and Ennoshita noticed my silence, "What's wrong Suga?" It was Ennoshita who'd asked.

My head was somewhere that felt like it was drowning. The water was clogging my ears, but I heard my name. "What?" I asked, looking up and over at Ennoshita, forcing myself to swim.

"You've been acting strange since Daichi got to practice today." Ennoshita pointed out.

"I have?" I asked uncertainly.

"Yeah, you're tosses were off." Asahi noted, then immediately went into panic mode. "Not that there was anything wrong about your tosses I just mean it seemed like there was something up."

I plastered a smile on my face, "Oh really? I'll just have to work harder tomorrow then! Sorry if I seem strange."

Once Asahi had gone to the bus stop and I was alone with Ennoshita, he turned to me. "What's up?"

I laughed nervously, "What do you mean?"

"Suga. I know you. We've been friends for a long time and I know that when something is bothering you, you bottle it up. You do this with everything because you don't want to worry anyone." Ennoshita said observantly.

I bit my lip, he knew me too well for me to lie. I assume that if I didn't just tell him, he would only get more worried. As soon as I opened my mouth, I felt a scratch in my throat. I covered my mouth with both hands and coughed twice, feeling something on my tongue. I spit it into my hands and opened my eyes, peering at what was in my hands. "A flower?" I asked.

"That's a gardenia." Ennoshita pointed out.

I tilted my head as I stared at the little white flower. "Why?"

"You didn't...eat a gardenia did you?" Ennoshita asked. If I wasn't concerned for my health, I would've laughed.

"No." I simply said, holding the flower in my right hand now.

"M-maybe you should go to the doctor then." Ennoshita said nervously.

I shook my head, "No. That shouldn't be necessary." I laughed, "Don't worry. It's just one flower."

The irony of the gardenia is that in the language of flowers, they represent a secret crush. So not only were these flowers ironic, they were almost taunting me.

Not only was my crush secret. It was also detrimental. Maybe if I knew then...

That night I got home and the house was surprisingly quiet. I had mixed feelings about it. Another time, I might've been relieved to have a moment of silence in my house. I have three younger siblings. Sumiko and Sayuri are twins in elementary school, they're pretty much always fighting. The only time they aren't fighting are the times they're playing music. Sumiko plays piano and Sayuri the violin. Together it sounds heavenly. Keiko is my two year old sister, she's very temperamental and especially picky when it comes to food. My mother has a hard time with them. Especially since Father is always away on business trips. I checked on my siblings, they were sleeping in their respective rooms. My mother was asleep on the couch in the living room. I covered her in a blanket before heading back to my room.

I was too lazy to turn on the light, so I walked over to bed and pulled up my laptop. I felt a bit foolish as I googled it, but I was a bit scared. "What does it mean when you cough up a gardenia?" The first couple of options were about different kinds of phlegm and of no use to me. That was when I stumbled upon a website talking about a story that was vaguely familiar to me. It was one that we'd heard during the training camp in our first year. One of the third years was telling us a story about unrequited love and how dangerous it could be. It didn't affect most of the people at the camp, but it haunted me. I couldn't sleep that night, so I got up to talk to my senior. He told me it was fictional, but the thought of it continued to tug at the corners of my mind until morning. Since then I'd forgotten about it. What was it called again? I read the title of the article, that's right, Hanahaki. As I read further I thought this has to be fake. I mean seriously? A disease caused by unrequited love? How would that even work? Diseases didn't come by feelings. They come from particles in the air and people touching you. Scientifically this made no sense. After reading the whole article, I closed the computer. This was ridiculous. It was a one time thing. I didn't have some fictional disease. Besides, if I told anyone that I'd spent the last hour and a half reading an article on a made up disease that I may or may not have, they'd say I'm insane. Rightfully so. What would Daichi say? I thought as I laid on my back in the dark. He'd say I'm stupid for sure. No. That wasn't Daichi. Daichi wouldn't say something like that. After all he was kind and he was perfect. That was the reason....that was the reason I feel this way isn't it?

I'd known for the past couple of years of course. But I never really planned to confess or anything like that. I just always assumed that things would stay the same. And I was fine with that. Because it wasn't like he had anyone in his life particularly more important than me, besides his family of course. He never spoke to me about having a crush on anyone. It doesn't go to say that I never fantasized. I often thought about what it would be like if he liked me. He would confess first of course. I was always so happy and the world glowed even brighter. We would go on dates and hold hands, just thinking about it always gave me happiness. Our relationship would be perfect. I never really told myself no either. I always let myself have hope. Daichi was now dating someone. He was out of reach and I had to tell myself no. I had to shut this all out. Not only was he dating someone, but he was dating a girl. What if he thought I was disgusting? Tears stung my face as they slid down. I wasn't really out at school. I was only out to Ennoshita and my family. They were all very supportive. But I hadn't been brave enough to come out at school last year. Now there was no way Daichi could even guess at my feelings. I bit my lip as the tears continued to fall. My throat tightened and I sat up, coughing. I tried to keep my coughs quiet, but it didn't do much. I spit up two of the lovely white flowers. I could see them in the faint light of the window behind my bed. I smiled a bit, they are beautiful. Like you. Holding the flowers in my hand, I let myself fall asleep.
~~~

The next morning, I woke up late for the first time since junior high. I sprung out of bed the moment I realized it and immediately dressed and got ready as quickly as I could. I made Sumiko and Sayuri lunches and left them on the counter. They weren't as cute or put together as I would have done if I had time. I raced to the car and hopped in as quickly as I could. My hair was a mess and my shirt wasn't all the way buttoned as I tried to drive safely and quickly at the same time. I pulled up and my usual parking spot had been stolen. I suppose that was my fault for showing up late. There weren't any good parking spots so I had to park by the sidewalk and hope they didn't give me a ticket. I ran to school and made it into first period, sliding into my seat just as the bell rang.

"Sugawara-san?" Daichi asked from the seat to the right of me.

I jumped, completely having forgotten that we had first period together. "Daichi! Oh! Good morning!" I said, trying to calm my racing heart.

"Morning...are you okay?" He asked, looking me over which gave me the chills.

I looked down at myself and noticed that I looked like I got hit by a tornado and suddenly the fuzzy feeling of him caring turned into raw red embarrassment. I rushed to button my shirt and adjust my clothes and hair. My socks weren't matching, I always had matching socks. The only thing I did for crazy day during school was wear mix matched socks. I fixed my hair quickly in the window and then turned back to Daichi. "I woke up late." I said in explanation, I could feel the familiar pink spreading to my cheeks.

"Oh. I was worried for a second!" Daichi laughed.

My heart thumped, he cared. No. Stop. You have to forget that. "No need!" I said with a smile. After class, Daichi walked out before I could catch him and walk with him. Outside, Yui was waiting. They held hands as they walked to whatever their next period was. Ennoshita, whose class was across from ours, watched my face as I watched them walk away. I felt that itch in my throat again, but I shoved it away with a hard swallow.

"I looked up your symptoms." Ennoshita said from beside me.

"Why?" I asked dryly, already knowing the answer.

Ennoshita stared at me in surprise at my response and sympathy for my situation. He could read me and my feelings like a book. "Oh I don't know. Maybe because coughing up gardenias isn't normal."

"Say it louder would you." I grumbled although he had hissed it in my ear.

Ennoshita ignored my snappy response, "Did you cough up any more last night?" I pursed my lips and he sighed, "Sugawara?"

I turned to look at him, we'd stopped in a less crowded hallway. "Yeah?"

"You're in love with him aren't you?" Ennoshita asked, he already knew the answer.

I nodded, my eyes closing. That scratching my throat was growing more unbearable. I touched my throat unconsciously, not wanting to cough.

"Did you look up your symptoms too?" He was trying to get me to say it myself. I'm sure he came up with the same conclusion I did.

"There was nothing useful." I said, my voice came out in a scratchy whisper and I couldn't hold back the cough. Covering my mouth again, another couple of white gardenias fell out.

Ennoshita had reflexively reached out when I coughed, his hand brushed my shoulder as I straightened, holding the two flower heads. "I think you should go to a doctor."

I scoffed, starting to walk again. "They'll only say I'm crazy or ask if it's a prank."

"Suga I'm serious! Maybe go to one that specializes in rare diseases or plants or both." Ennoshita walked a little bit behind me as I tried speeding up my pace to avoid the conversation.

I turned around finally when I reached my class, "Ennoshita-san...thank you for caring." I smiled brightly at him. A smile that could fool anyone but the closest of friends, "This will probably all blow over."

It would not blow over. And even if I had known. Even if I had accepted it back then. I don't think I would have done anything differently

Even now, as you kill me slowly, I can't help but think about how perfect you are. You are so perfect...is this obsession?

I was able to avoid talking about it for about two weeks. I begged Ennoshita not to remind me of it. Telling him that it only made it worse. But when he noticed my pockets as we were walking home one day, he decided this wasn't healthy. Who was he to decide what was healthy or not? "You dropped one." He said. It was bait. I didn't realize it, but I immediately turned around, looking to the ground. He took my hand out of my pocket at that chance and saw the handful of white gardenias that I was holding onto. "Suga..."

I pulled my hand away and stuffed the flowers back into my pocket. "I like them okay!" It was more than that. Yes, they were beautiful, and yes they smelled nice. But most of all...they were him.

"Suga-san..." Ennoshita let the sentence die. His will was then solidified a couple of seconds later, "I'm going to get you an appointment with the doctor."

"No!" I said. I knew what it was. And I was damn sure that Ennoshita knew too. I didn't want it confirmed though. Besides, I was okay, it's not like I couldn't breathe. In fact, the flowers didn't even make my throat sore.

Ennoshita was surprised at my loud reaction, "Sugawara please. Just go and see them. If they call you stupid I won't make you go again."

"I don't need a doctor Ennoshita-san." I insisted.

"Please. Just one appointment. Just to get you diagnosed. You don't even know how to get rid of this. It could be fatal!" Ennoshita said.

I acted like I hadn't thought about that. When I laughed, I probably sounded crazy to Ennoshita-san. "It's not fatal Ennoshita! It's just flowers!"

A second note: I had been reading Hanahaki stories and articles at night. There were dark circles under my eyes that I didn't think other people could see.

Ennoshita frowned as we reached his place, "I will drag you to the doctors if I have to Suga-san."

"Fine fine!" I gave in with a smile, letting out a small cough in which a single petal flew out. I caught it, keeping my smile and tipping it to him as I crossed the street towards my house.

That comfortable chaos had filled my house again once I got back. My mother was attempting to comfort a crying Keiko while the twins were wrestling over a remote. Dutifully, I dropped my bag by the door and marched over, prying the twins apart. The remote had been lost under the couch in the chaos. "If you two can't learn to take turns, no one gets the remote. Go play some music."

Sumiko pouted, glaring at his twin sister, "We already had practice today."

"Yeah! And I wouldn't practice with that turn-stealer on my death bed!" Sayuri said.

"Pig!" Sumiko insulted her.

"Take that back." Sayuri said with a deadly calm, causing me to tighten my hold on the back of her shirt.

"You two stop it!" I said.

"He started it!" Sayuri blamed.

"I don't care who started it. You're both going to get in trouble for keeping it going." I told them, giving them both a glare.

They pouted, "Sorry oniichan."

"Don't apologize to me." I let go of their shirts, "Apologize to each other."

They glared at each other, but it was Sumiko who extended his hand, "Sorry for taking your turn and calling you pig Sayu."

"Forgiven." I glared at her, "And sorry for wrestling you."

I smiled, "Good, now go practice again."

"But oniichan~" Sayuri whined.

"No buts, go practice." They sighed and ran off to the small music room.

Keiko was still whining and wouldn't drink her milk, so I walked over and offered to take her from my mom. As soon as she was in my arms and felt my familiar heart beat, she began to calm down. My mother placed her hands on her hips, "How do you do that Koushi?"

I smiled, "Magic touch." I tell her.

She smiled back at me, "Where did I go right with you?" She asked, heading to the kitchen to make dinner.

Keiko began to whine again and I rocked her a bit, taking out a flower and handing it to her. I'd researched whether or not they were poisonous a couple days ago. Turns out they were actually edible! She took it in her small hands and looked up at me. "It's a gardenia." I informed her. She touched the petals softly and I set her on her feet.

"Thank you." She said quietly.

I smiled back at her and walked to my room. I was back to reading stories about Hanahaki. This had become another habit, another cycle. They fascinated me and I related to them. I could feel the pain that the main character was going through. I knew the feeling of longing so so well. Maybe too well. The main characters would watch their loved one be happy with someone that wasn't them. They felt pain, but loved their smile, loved to see them happy.

A note about the stories: They all ended the same way

When I woke up the next day, I realized I'd fallen asleep reading the stories on my phone. It was dead. I'd have to leave it at home to charge today. I got in the nice warm shower, with the water pouring down my face I suddenly started to think about Daichi. He was everywhere, all around me. All the time. Not like I minded, I loved thoughts of him. I breathed in and I was pleasantly surprised at the smell of him. He smells like a hug, like coffee beans and laundry soap. Comforting, like home. Enveloped in my thoughts, I didn't even realized I'd started coughing until my throat burned and I doubled over. The scent was gone, I stared at the flowers spilling from my mouth. There were small spouts of blood as well. Not much, but enough to tell as they mixed with the water. I hurriedly turned off the shower and picked them up, hoping they won't clog up the drain. I put the flowers on the sink, luckily the door was locked. I put the towel around my waist after drying off and hurried to my room with the flowers in my hand. I put them with the others in a drawer of my old empty desk. I got ready and made my siblings' lunches before leaving for school. I even had time to pick myself up something from the cafe, pulling up to the coffee shop, I remembered Daichi's favorite coffee. Would it be obvious if I got it for him? No. I was known for doing random acts of kindness. And if he asks I can make something up. I got two of his favorites even though I don't like coffee. Then I drove to school.

Yui wasn't there, but Daichi had just arrived at the gym early to practice. "Daichi!" I called out to him and he turned, seeing my smile and the two coffees in my hands. "I got coffee!"

He walked over, "Hey thanks Suga! Did you somehow know I didn't sleep well or something?" He asked with a laugh.

"No! I didn't know that." I said, automatically concerned, "Are you okay?"

He took one of the coffees from my hands, "Yeah I'm fine. I don't know why but I felt like someone was thinking about me or something." He said with a laugh.

"I see..." What if I was keeping him up? I don't want to mess up his sleep schedule... "Well I'm sure there are many people who think of you. You're a great man." I blushed as I said it, but I really meant it.

"Really? Thanks Suga. You always say the right things." Now. Now would be the perfect time to confess to each other and live that life I long for.

"Daichi!" A girl's voice called. One that I'd grown to automatically feel envious of.

"Yui!" He said, looking past me at the girl running up.

"Oh! Hey Suga!" She greeted sweetly. It was hard to dislike her. I waved with a small smile. "I brought you coffee, but I see Suga beat me to it! It's probably better this way since I didn't know what kind to get you."

She didn't even know what his favorite coffee was.

I hadn't realized that I had stepped to the side until she'd gone over and reached up to kiss him. There was a tightening in my chest and thorns in my lungs. "That's okay. I love to try new things."

I loved him first. I loved him first. I loved him first. I-

"Suga-san?" Yui asked, as I'd been staring at them.

"Sorry. I'll go now." I said.

"You don't have to." Daichi told me, but I know he didn't want me to stay and third wheel.

"No really. Enjoy the-" I coughed a little, hiding the petals that fell from my lips, "Enjoy the coffee."

"Is he sick?" I heard Daichi ask as I walked quickly to the bathroom.

Bending over the sink as flowers fell, I looked up into the mirror at my reflection.

It surely is obsession at this point. You were my world. You are my world. And I am a mess for you.

"Aren't these tulips beautiful Ennoshita-san?" "Suga..." He looks at me with pity. Why does he look at me like that? Doesn't he know that I am happy?

Before practice, Ennoshita came up to me. "Sugawara!" He called out before I could enter the gym.

"Hey Ennoshita." I said, secretly hoping he'd forget about what he'd promised yesterday.

"We aren't going to practice today." Ennoshita said.

"What? Why?" I asked, practice was one of my favorite times of the day. For one thing, I rarely ever coughed when I was focused. For another thing it was a rare moment to have time with Daichi away from Yui.

"Doctor's appointment." Ennoshita said and my face dropped.

"But-"

"No. I already told Ukai that we wouldn't be at practice today." He insisted, his eyes determined.

I panicked, "What?! You told him?!"

"No! No....not about the real situation. I told him that we just both had check-ups with my dad." Ennoshita hurriedly explained.

"I forgot...your dad is a doctor." I said anxiously, I didn't exactly want my own family knowing about this. In fact, I didn't want anyone to know. I would prefer if Ennoshita didn't know, but it was too late now.

Ennoshita smiled and started leading the way, "We'll take my car. And I'm driving."

"I'm perfectly capable of driving y'know?" I offered.

"Yeah yeah. Just come on." I got into the passengers seat and we drove to a small doctor's office. A lot smaller than I expected.

"This is his private office. He also works at a bigger hospital, but I got you a private audience since I think you'd prefer that." He was thinking ahead. I smiled a bit, I was lucky to have a friend like him.

"So...there won't be anyone else here?" I asked hopefully.

"Well there are still a few of his patients that stay here and some people who work under him, taking care of patients when he isn't there. But for the most part, not many people." Ennoshita explained as we got up and walked to the door.

Inside, there was a lady receptionist who led us to a room where Ennoshita's father was. He was a kind looking man, he actually looked a lot like Ennoshita himself. It was evident that they were related. "Hello Sugawara-san?" He gestured to me.

I nodded, a bit nervous. I had met him a couple of times when we were younger or at volleyball games, but I wasn't all too familiar with him. "Hi." I said a bit shyly.

Ennoshita went over and sat on a chair on the side, he started doing his homework and the doctor led me over to a patient table. It wasn't like the cheap ones at every hospital though, it was like an actual bed. I guess that was a plus of getting an appointment at a private doctor's. "So, what's the issue here?"

"Didn't um..." Upon remembering that both of them had the surname 'Ennoshita', I wasn't sure what to call him. I supposed his first name might be appropriate for this situation, "Didn't Chikara-san tell you?"

Dr. Ennoshita nodded, "The gist of it, but I'd like to hear it from you. Your side."

I started the story cautiously. At first, telling only parts that I felt necessary. But the doctor was like a magic therapist and I found myself going on and on about Daichi for almost an hour when I started a coughing fit and stopped myself after being handed a tissue by the doctor with which I cleaned up the flowers. "I'm sorry. I didn't...well..."

"It's alright." He said with a sad but kind smile. "Well all the symptoms match up." He said, going over and grabbing a small file. "Hanahaki disease."

My heart stopped at those words. "But that's not..." I bit my lip, if I really thought that I wouldn't have been reading all about it.

"Not real?" The doctor asked, raising an eyebrow. "It seems like you are already familiar with it."

"Y-yes." I said slowly.

He nodded, "Then I'm sure you had your suspicions." He handed me the file and I cautiously opened it, inside were picture of people with the disease. They all looked so incredibly sad...but there wasn't regret behind their eyes. Longing yes. But no hint of remorse. "It's rare. And many patients prefer to keep the fact that they have it a secret, therefore the logic that it's just a fable came about."

I nodded, skimming the pages of the file, I'd read most of this already. "A-are you sure?" I asked, coughing up a bit more flowers after looking at the file. I closed it and handed it back to him.

He nodded and sat at a desk. "Now. I think you should tell your family. Since it is a serious disease." My mother was already stressed enough. Plus my father was practically never home aside from a couple holidays. And it wasn't like my siblings would understand. "But first I'll tell you the options to cure it." I sat forward, ready to listen. "There is the obvious option; get the one you're in love with to love you back. You can do that a multitude of ways, most people just confess and then hope for the best. Some people tell the truth about the disease in hopes to get rid of their feelings, but when you love someone so deeply that your body reacts by self destructing....you can't exactly get rid of that feeling." He looked at me, making sure that I was following and I nodded along. "The more time that you spend with that person and the more you think about them, the more the disease will worsen."

"Wait, you said there was another option to get rid of it." I said, wondering if it could be better than causing Daichi any pain by making him responsible for my health.

"Yes...but it's something that many patients refuse." He said, he had a pained expression, "There is a surgery to remove the flowers from your lungs."

"What are the consequences?" I asked, knowing that there had to be some if patients refuse it.

"Since the disease is linked to your brain, you will lose all memory and feelings you have for the one you love." He said, letting that thought rest in the air. "It also has only a 70% success rate, sending the other 30% often times into a coma."

I swallowed, my lungs suddenly hurting. "I see." I would never want to forget Daichi. The world sparkles and is beautiful because of him. I play volleyball because of him. He's my reason. He's my everything.

"But it's worse if you don't do anything about the disease." The doctor said, causing me to look back up into his eyes, "If you don't do anything and the flowers continue to grow in your lungs, they will eventually suffocate you. In advanced cases, flowers will bloom on the chest and up the neck. The amount of flowers and blood being coughed up show the stage that the disease is in. Right now you are in a very early stage, that is why you probably rarely have attacks and only cough up a couple of flowers and a bit of blood."

"Thank you." I said, getting up. I know that he and his son would both try to convince me to get the surgery or do something about this disease, but I didn't want to cause Daichi or anyone pain. Better that I just live with this while I can.

"Please come and check in with me regularly." The doctor said on the way out.

I didn't answer, Ennoshita followed me out. "Suga?" He asked as I walked silently to the car. "Suga?" He repeated.

But his voice was distant. These options...they weren't good. None of the options were good. I would never forget Daichi. Never.

Can't you see? Can't you see that I'm happy because I won't bring anyone pain anymore. Before I could tell him that he asked, "Do you know what tulips symbolize Suga-san?"

"Perfect and deep love." I asked with a smile. Ennoshita nodded, staring gravely at the flowers. "Yes. But according to some, they mean one-sided or unrequited love."

You love long car rides and you love old songs. You love the color of Autumn and you love the heat of Summer. You love the feeling of a day's worth of hard work and you love...her.

My eyes caught sight of Daichi and Yui as I walked home from school. They were sitting in Daichi and my favorite coffee shop. The one we always met at when we were studying or when we just feel like hanging out. I felt that now familiar tightening in my chest. My lungs felt like I'd just run a 15k. I watched them through the window from the other side of the street. The crisp, colorful leaves fell around me there was steam coming from both of their coffees. He said something that made her laugh, both of their faces stained pink. It hurt so bad, but I couldn't look away. Even as thorns pinched my heart, he touched her face, wiping some cream from her lip. They stared at each other''s faces and he moved his hand to hold her cheek.

Note number 4: I always loved romance movies. That moment when the main characters finally kiss for the first time. It was always so sweet and it always made me cry.

They leaned in over the table and their lips pressed gently together. Tears stung my cheeks as I stared in shock, unable to move, unable to breathe. I don't know how long I stood there. Even after they parted and smiled at each other, resuming their conversation. It was only when they started to stand up did I finally realize that the sun was setting. I wiped at my tears furiously and breathed in a sharp breath through my nose. I swiftly started walking before the could exit the coffee shop and see me. I ducked off the side walk into the trees as I felt another coughing fit coming on. As soon as I was out of sight, I doubled over. My throat burned as white flowers, stained with red blood started falling from my mouth onto the ground. I tried to keep quiet just in case the kind-hearted Daichi heard someone coughing and decided to check it out. After I could pull it together, I peeked around the tree. Daichi's truck was gone. I breathed again, air felt nice, but my throat felt like needles.

When I got home it was night.
~~~

It's getting worse. I don't know how much longer I can hide this from my family. The top drawer of my desk is filled to the brim with gardenia petals. Ennoshita is getting more worried. He wants me to continue visiting his father. It's been a month since my first appointment...to be honest I don't want to go back. Because I don't want to be a cliche. Like all those people in the Hanahaki stories I read who can't give up their feelings for the person they're in love with so they die slowly and painfully.

Today, as I went to school, I wore a scarf just in case I coughed up any flowers accidentally. So that I could catch them and so that people couldn't see. Ennoshita noticed of course and knew immediately what I was doing. That was when he tried his latest method to make me visit the doctor's.

"You know, if you keep going to appointments with my father, you could get a note excusing you from school." This one, he'd used before.

I replied the same as always, shaking my head, "I have too much to do here. I don't want to fall behind in school either."

Ennoshita was starting to get mad at me. For all that he was doing for me and I wasn't paying attention to his efforts properly at all. "Don't give me that bullshit Suga. With the way things are progressive, you won't live to see next semester." He hissed into my ear.

My head felt like it was heating up and I coughed, a couple of petals falling into my red scarf. "Don't say that Ennoshita-san. I have time."

That was the worst thing Suga could have said in that moment. Ennoshita...never had many friends before he joined this club. And it had been Suga who had made him feel welcome. Although he had Tanaka and the other second years, he still considered Suga his best friend. I have time. What the hell are you talking about Suga?

But Ennoshita held it back, for the time being. They were after all in school. I continued to talk, trying to convince him that I was currently fine, "What would I even do in that check-up? I already know what I need to about the disease and-"

"Disease?" A deep voice spoke behind me, I got chills immediately recognizing who it is.

I didn't want to turn and face him, didn't want to risk letting him know what I have. But, his voice compelled me like it always did. Like it always had. I turned around with a big smile on my face and he was surprised, "Yeah, it's really nothing."

I could easily read the confusion and concern on his face. But the only thought that crossed my mind was an absolutely foolish and silly, he cares. "But from the way you guys were talking about it, it sounded serious." Daichi pressed, his eyebrows knotted.

I didn't let my face slip, "No no! Ennoshita-san was just worried, you know how he is."

Daichi looked suspiciously between us, "What's the name?"

"The name of what?" I asked dumbly, lost in his chocolate eyes.

"Your disease Suga-san." Daichi said and I shook my head in order to clear my mind.

"Oh...I don't really remember." I lied with a laugh, the best thing about being someone who was always smiling and laughing and taking care of others is that we can lie easily. "But I don't want to worry you, so please don't worry about me."

Daichi's concern was still evident in his face, "And you're refusing to go to the doctor's? Suga I really would appreciate if you would go."

His voice...oh his compelling voice. He made me hang intently on every word he spoke and follow his every command. "Okay if you says so...but I don't want to be there all the time." I said with a laugh.

This only arose more suspicion in Daichi, "What would cause you to be there all the time?"

I swatted at his arm, "No! I was just joking." I laughed and Yui came skipping up, lacing her arm easily in Daichi's. For a moment my smile wobbled, but I held it up...barely.

"Oh okay..." He said, clearly doubtful.

I smiled, feeling the flowers rising in my throat, "Go to class." I prompted them.

"Suga we have first period together..." Daichi said.

"Bathroom." I told him, walking that way.

I knew Ennoshita and Daichi would be talking for a little bit, but I couldn't stay and listen as I began to cough and flowers started coming up to the point that I couldn't just try to swallow them back down. I ran into the bathroom and locked the stall behind me. I kneeled on the ground, my hands in front of me and caught the flowers as they fell. So so beautiful.

It's been a hot minute since I'd had a visitor. I wish someone would come. I get calls sometimes but I never feel like picking them up. The lack of oxygen makes things hard sometimes...

What's crazy is that you can spend all this time with me, be this kind to me, give me hope, give me life...and still wonder why I fell for you. I write myself letters containing memories of us. Remember the only practice I ever missed in second year? I called you and told you to tell the coach that I was sick. Instead of doing that, you came to my house with a box of oreos and a bowl of hot soup from your mom. I was wearing a red scarf that day, and I had it up over my nose so that I didn't breathe on you. I thanked you and told you to go to practice, you said that practice was canceled. You didn't say why but I knew that you'd asked the coach to cancel on my behalf. You came in and watched a cheesy romance movie that you had no interest in...why would you do all that for me?

By the end of practice, I was worn out completely. I managed to say good bye to everyone before leaving quickly. As soon as I was out of sight of the team, the flowers crawled up my throat and out of my mouth. I caught them quickly, covering my mouth and shoving them into my pockets which were almost full from the day. There were more flowers that day...they weren't simply adding anymore. They were multiplying. When I got home, my mother was waiting for me in the living room, I hung the keys by the door and took my sleeping baby sister from her arms and took her to her room.

"Koushi?" My mother asked before I could get to my room.

"Hmm?" I walked into the living room. She's sitting on the couch, so I walk around and that's when I notice what was hidden underneath my sister. White flower heads...and flower petals. My face drops and immediately my mind is buzzing with worry and guilt, "Where did you find those?"

"Your drawer." She said, her face looks grave, does she know?

I swallowed, waiting for her to say something "Mama?"

"I haven't seen these flowers on the path to school..." She says, eyeing my pockets. Does she even know what the Hanahaki disease is? "Koushi?" She asks finally meeting my gaze.

"Yes?"

"How's Daichi-san doing?" She knows. She knows. How long has she known? How does she know about this disease? Does she know that it's real? It didn't matter at that point whether she really did know or not, because at the mention of him, I burst into a coughing fit. Blood and flowers spilled from my mouth to the ground as I doubled over. "Koushi!" She hurried to my side and at that moment, I collapsed in on myself. Coughing and crying, falling to my knees on the floor. She knelt beside me, a frail hand on my shoulder. There was the metallic tang of blood and the salty taste of tears on my tongue. It smelt like lost love.

I was a mess before my mother who had been my best friend. My closest companion as a child. That had faded as she relied on me to take care of my siblings in Father's absence. But in that moment, everything that I had been trying so hard to keep together suddenly fell apart. I choked on my words as I sputtered and spit blood and petals on the ground. "Why...." I was caught between sobs, "Why aren't I good enough?!" I yelled. I'm not enough for Daichi. I'm not enough for my team. I'm not enough for my family. Not enough...I'll never be enough. I never have been enough. My mother reached out and I leaned into her thin figure as she held me.

"You are." She whispered in my ear. "You are more than enough." My head was under water. I couldn't see the shape of her words as they were lost to my sobs.
xxx

I called in sick to school the next day. Ennoshita immediately knew why when he couldn't find me in the morning and he texted me. I told him I didn't feel too bad, but I didn't want to be there today.

Ennoshita-san: Was yesterday bad?
Suga: It wasn't good.
Ennoshita-san: Does your mom know yet?
Suga: Yes.
Ennoshita-san: I'll tell the team.

Daichi texted me during what would've been first period.

Daichi: Suga? Where are you?
Suga: I'm sick today.
Daichi: I knew it. Why didn't you text me?
Suga: I didn't want you to worry.

Daichi: I'm coming over at lunch.
Suga: No. You don't have to do that. I'm fine. I'll be back tomorrow.

Daichi didn't answer. My heart surged at the thought of Daichi dropping everything just to come see me when I was sick. Was that really something someone who was just a friend would do? A great hacking cough came up as soon as those thoughts started to invade my mind. I guess so...because that was just who Daichi was. Drop everything to help a friend sort of guy. That was typical. That was Daichi, and that was why I would never forget him.

I did my best to clean myself up, hiding all of the flowers away in my room and making sure to bundle myself up just in case I started coughing in front of him. I knew this disease wasn't contagious...but if there was anyone I didn't want to know that I had this it was Daichi. I wanted him to be happy. I wish I could just let him be happy. There was a knock on the door. Mom wasn't home because she had taken Keiko to a play date with some of the neighborhood kids. I opened the door and there he was, I was suddenly very aware of how terrible I looked. I was relieved that I had paid attention to getting all the blood off of my chin and lips but that didn't eliminate the bags under my eyes or the left over puffiness around them from crying. The sun shone on his face like it was Summer even though it was now late fall. He was still in his school uniform that he always looked so good in. And in his hands, was a box of oreos.

"Suga...you look" He did't finish the sentence.

I laughed even though it sounded raspy and hurt my throat, "Sick. Yup." I smiled at him, the sun hurt my eyes, but I hung on the door anyways. "You didn't have to come."

"You're sick." He said as though that were enough of an explanation.

I shook my head, "You're too good."

I opened the door all the way and he followed me in, setting the oreos on the coffee table in front of the couch. I bundled up on my one side of the couch and Daichi tossed me the tissues and sat at my feet. "What are you sick with?"

I shrugged, "Didn't care enough to get an appointment." I lied.

"I see...well do you want to watch the usual movie?" He asked, getting up to go over to the TV.

"Daichi...you can go back to school. Isn't there volleyball practice?" I asked him...I didn't really want him to leave, but he couldn't be here anyways. He had a life away from me.

"Canceled." He answered just like he had in second year.

"Daichi..."

"You heal faster with company." He said, sliding in that old tape with the movie and coming up to sit at my feet again.

I felt like crying. Why did I deserve this good treatment? Not from you...not at all. Not when I could be the source of pain for you. I don't want this...I wish I didn't love you. It would be so much easier.

If I really didn't want to love you...would I be selfish enough to not want treatment? I can tell myself a million different lies. Like I'd just fall for you all over again even if I forgot. Or that it would be better for you if I was gone from this world. The truth is...there are so many things in my life that have meaning because of you. Without you in my life, it would be empty. Things like oreos and the smell of coffee and laundry soap and Summer and volleyball. They would have no importance in my life without you. If I forgot you....what would I have? I am selfish.

I like scrap-booking. Did you know that? I don't tell people very often, it's something that I keep to myself. Probably because I'm afraid of being teased. But I have scrapbooks for every year of my life. With the most special memories from each year in there with drawings and pictures and letters to myself.

My mother made me go to the doctor. Rather than going to my usual one, she took me to Dr. Ennoshita. He already knew my situation, and having a private doctor for this kind of thing would be better anyways. For now, he's less like a doctor and more like a therapist. Chikara doesn't come, probably because he has work to do. Plus it would be awkward to be with him all the time. He has a life outside of me. I'm glad he does, that'll make it easier for him if I really do die. Death...what a funny concept. I never thought I would die so early. I've always thought I had to live in order to keep everyone else alive but...I don't think they need me so much anymore. And in any case it's my third year, once we get out of high school...we may not even speak any more.

We have a volleyball game tomorrow...to be honest I don't know if I can go. I can barely make it through the day and volleyball practice. And throughout the school day I'm coughing and taking trips to the bathroom in order to hide what I have. Currently, it's just after third period. I'm walking on my own up to fourth. I'm trying not to look like I'm in a hurry, I'm always in a hurry these days. To be honest I'm not exactly sure what for. The hours won't go any faster if I walk fast. I turn a corner and spot them...Yui is giggling, Daichi's hand on her cheek. Why are they everywhere I go?

I feel that oh so familiar itch in my throat and without even thinking, duck into the bathroom. I lock the door without checking to see if anyone is in there and lean over the sink, gardenias and blood falling from my mouth as I hack and cough. "Sugawara-san?" A deep voice asked, making me jolt in surprise. When I spit out the last of the flowers, Asahi was next to me.

"Asahi...how did you get in here?" I asked, but he wasn't paying attention of course to what I was asking.

"Sugawara...did you just cough up flowers?" He asked with a worried expression.

I tried for a smile although there was still blood on my lips, "Don't worry Asahi, it's not that-"

"Hanahaki." Asahi said, meeting my eyes with a serious look on his face. My smile twitched. "Is it Daichi?"

"Listen I...Asahi..."

"You have to get the surgery." Of course. That's what they've all been saying. Do they just not get it? I can't get the surgery.

Instead of exploding at him, I calmly smiled and shook my head, turning back to the sink and picking up the flowers. "Did you know that gardenias represent secret love Asahi-san?"

"Suga...why won't you get the surgery?" I put the flowers back in my backpack and stood up to face the large ace.

"I can't forget him Asahi." I smiled, "Just forget you saw anything okay?"

Asahi put a firm hand on my shoulder, "You know I can't do that Suga. Are you coming to the game tomorrow?"

The question I'd been dreading. It was no secret that I was sick anymore, it was painfully obvious at practice. But at the same time, volleyball helped me forget a little bit. I could blame the hurt in my lungs on lack of stamina. "I don't know..."

"It's that bad then...how long has it been? 2 months?" He was spot on.

"Yes. Right on the dot!" I said in an almost scarily cheerful manner.

"I'm assuming Daichi doesn't know then." I reached for the bathroom door, but let my hand fall as I turned back to Asahi.

"No. I don't want him to know. If he does, then he'll feel guilty. He's happy with her and that's all that matters." I said with a sad smile.

Asahi's eyes shone with pity, "Are you at least seeing a doctor?"

I nodded, "Ennoshita-san's father."

"So then he at least knows?"

"Yeah. I was with him when I found out." I said, unlocking the door and starting out. The bell had rung so no one was in the hallways.

"Suga-san...is there anything I can say to convince you to get the surgery?"

That was when I would stubbornly shake my head. Of course not. Because to me there is no other choice. You are the only choice.

I've been in the room 3 times. The first time, it felt empty. The second time, it felt sickening. The third time....I'm yet to leave.

I couldn't go to the game. Not only did I have an appointment with Dr Ennoshita, I was also completely exhausted that day and it felt like vines were wrapping around my lungs and heart. To be fair, they probably were.

I arrived at the doctor's office with my mother, she came in with me today. My siblings were playing with one of the neighbor's kids, they'd even agreed to babysit Keiko. "Koushi and Izumi, you both came today. I'm actually really glad. I was going to ask Koushi to have you come in tomorrow, but I guess we saved you a trip." He said with a friendly smile.

My mom smiled back and nodded, "Is there something you wanted to speak with us about?"

"Yes...I think Koushi should get an x-ray." The doctor said, looking between my mom and I.

"Why?" I asked.

"Well...I think it might help you get some perspective if you see what's going on inside of you." As though they were tracking the conversation, flowers started to force their way up my throat.

I coughed quickly and caught them in a tissue which I shoved in my pocket routinely. "I don't need perspective." I said, I'd been trying to convince him of this in all of my appointments.

He and my mom exchanged a sad but knowing look. "Koushi...please." My mother said.

I couldn't just flat out deny her. Besides, an x-ray wasn't the end of the world. But it wasn't something that would change my mind. "Okay."

Ennoshita clapped his hands together, "Great, if you both have some time, we can do it now. This will also help me to gauge how much those flowers have grown. Which in the long run will help us tell..."

"How long I have." I finished for him. I don't know why that's so hard for adults to say when they think it so easily.

"Yes." The doctor said, giving my mother a guilty look. She was staring at the ground.
~~~

This was the day that I would first see the tulip room. The room was cozy, with a bed on the left wall be the door and a window at the back wall. The bathroom was across from this room and the walls were a syrup brown. The floor was smooth, but it felt empty. Dr. Ennoshita had me stand against a wall as he took the x-ray of my chest.

"You can sit on the bed, this might take a couple of minutes." He said, leaving the room to get copies of the x-ray. My mother took the seat that was beside the head of the bed. I didn't want to sit there...it made me feel like I really was sick. I didn't want to accept that reality just yet. So instead of sitting down, I wandered over to the window. Outside there was a small garden with a fountain and lots of trees. In little window boxes was where the multi-colored tulips were planted. I'd always loved tulips since they reminded me of love, and a joke that Daichi had told me last Valentine's Day when neither of us had valentines.

A memory during a loveless lunch: "Man it sucks we don't have dates again this year." Daichi set down his plate and I set mine across from him.

I nodded in agreement, "But...it's not so bad to spend time with each other." I said recklessly, feeling my face heat up.

He smiled, "Hey Suga, wanna hear a joke?"

My eyes widened as I nodded eagerly.

He wandered over to the garden box at school where a bunch of weeds and a couple of random flowers were growing, "What kinds of flowers like kisses?"

I was still blushing, but I played along. Hoping foolishly, "What kind?"

He pulled up a pink tulip with a smile, "Tulips!"

He handed me the flower, my heart was pounding wildly. "Dai-"

There was giggle from our right, Michimiya with her friends were laughing at Daichi's joke. "Good one Sawamura!" Yui called.

He blushed and turned back to his lunch as my heart sunk.

I snapped back to reality and moved away from the window. Was Yui there...in all of my memories of Daichi? No. He gave me that flower. She couldn't ruin that memory for me. I still love tulips.

Dr. Ennoshita came back into the room with the x-rays and I stayed standing as he showed them to us. There weren't thorns, but there were leaves and they were wrapping around my lungs and heart. I clutched my shirt as I looked at the x-ray. But...it wasn't ugly. There were little buds starting to peep and sprout. I felt one in my throat as I looked with fascination.

"Koushi...?" My mother asked after I'd been staring at it for almost 5 minutes.

I shook my head and looked up at her, there were tears in her eyes. Mine were dry.

I scrap booked that Valentines Day. My drawing of the tulip...it's gorgeous. There were so many pages with Daichi in them....and they seemed to shine somehow. Although the other moments are all precious, yours make me feel warm.

I can see the flowers popping up through my skin. I feel less alive every day. It hurts. It hurts.

I called Ennoshita and Asahi to meet with me the weekend after I got the x-ray and my mother made a decision I wasn't ready for. I met them at the park, I packed lunch and acted like it was a normal day. But both of them knew that if I hadn't invited Daichi or any of the rest of the team, I had something to tell them. We were all seated around the table, I'd packed both of their favorite foods.

"This is so nice of you Sugawara-san!" Asahi said.

Ennoshita studied me with those keenly aware eyes, "What's this for?"

"Nothing! Can't I just do something nice for my best friends?" I asked with a closed eyed smile in order to avoid any contact that could make me seem like I was hiding something.

It didn't work and only made Ennoshita more suspicious, "Usually I wouldn't suspect anything. But the first thing that sets me off is that you call us your best friends but you didn't invite Daichi?"

Asahi nodded, already digging into his meal.

I pursed my lips, "No point in trying to hide anything from you. You didn't hear anything from your father right?" I asked just to make sure.

He shook his head, my lying skills were just that bad.

"Okay...well." I coughed, a blood speckled petal came out and I slipped it easily into my pocket. These days I never wore anything without pockets. "I got an x-ray yesterday."

"So that...was a real excuse?" Asahi asked. I had told the team that I was getting an x-ray so I had to miss the game. It wasn't a lie...it just wasn't the whole truth.

"Yes. And....the disease is only getting worse. Which is expected." I said, trying to act like it was nothing. To be honest, the next bit of news I was still in denial about. They stared at me as I went into a coughing fit once again, flowers falling from my lips and into my hands and scarf.

Ennoshita and Asahi exchanged worried glances, Asahi offered me a tissue when I finally stopped and I used it to wipe the blood from my chin and lips. "Thank you."

"Is there more?" Ennoshita asked, his eyes looking between mine.

I nodded slowly, "Yeah uhm...I'm going to be staying at your father's hospital."

"I- what?" Asahi asked, both of their faces had dropped. So had my cheery act, to be honest I was nervous. My head hurt and my heart pounded through the squeezing.

"When?" Ennoshita was gravely serious.

"Next Friday, after school. If I make it till then." I added in a joking manner.

They didn't take it as a joke.
xxx

I had to tell the team. Ennoshita and Asahi kept trying to tell me that. Especially since I had to sit out for most practices. Wednesday was when that time finally came. Daichi came to sit by me on the bench along with Takeda-sensei.

"Sugawara...how are you?" He asked, concern laced through his face.

I gave a smile, "I'm okay." I said, something was starting to block my throat. Not now. Not now

"No I mean, you haven't been practicing the same. And you had that x-ray last week, is something wrong?"

Just as I was about to deny it, I realized this was the opportunity to make up a lie and tell them I'd be gone from practice for a little while. "Actually...I have something to tell the team."

"Oh?" Before I could decide on the lie I would tell, Daichi called the team over and told them to take a knee. They were all sitting before me, Daichi on my left and Takeda on my right.

"What is it Suga-san?" Nishinoya asked.

"Are you okay senpai?" Kageyama's blue eyes looked concerned. Even Tsukishima was being silent.

I smiled, "Yes. I'm okay...I just um," My heart raced as I tried to come up with something. I met Ennoshita's eyes and he nodded as though he wanted me to tell the truth. No way was that going to happen, "Well I am sick..." I started.

They burst into questions before I could elaborate further. Daichi shut them down quickly and turned to me, looking into my eyes with intensity. "Suga?"

I swallowed hard, the flowers that had lodged themselves in my throat sunk into my chest. "It's not anything fatal but...I'll be in the hospital for a little while. Just until it gets better." I lied. It wouldn't get better. Although if I was away from Daichi, maybe it would slow down the progression.

Once again the team sprung into a quarry. This time, Ukai quieted them. "What are you sick with?"

This was the hard part, I scratched the back of my neck, "Oh I don't really remember the name. It was kind of long. And I don't know how long I'll be in the hospital either. But I'll be there starting Friday."

"Friday?! Why didn't you tell us sooner?" Daichi asked, looking hurt and worried.

I bit my lip guiltily, "I didn't-" My throat forced me to stop as the flowers started to try to make their way up my throat. "I'm sorry." I said as I got up and started towards the bathroom.

Daichi started after me, but Asahi and Ennoshita stopped him.

Although it hurts, I am strong. I can deal with it. The flowers? What color are they? Red now? There's too much blood.

Breathing is something that I took for granted. Great, rasping breaths rake my body. It's so hard to move my toes....I think I'm starting to lose oxygen.

Daichi visited me on Friday. I wasn't expecting it and I looked like a mess again when I greeted him at the door. He enveloped me in a hug, my body heated up. I could feel the sincerity and hominess radiating from him. Something about him just gives off a calming energy. That oh-so-familiar scent of laundry soap and coffee. "Daichi-san?" I asked. My hair was a mess and I was wearing a thick jacket with a white and blue scarf.

"Are you really okay?" He asked in a whisper that I could barely hear.

For some reason, my brain was only half awake as I was being held in his arms. I felt sleepy and safe. "I don't know." I answered honestly.

He pulled away to which I pouted, not wanting to leave his warm embrace. "You don't know?"

As the numbness melted away and that familiar poke remained in my lungs, no point in trying to lie now so I shook my head. "No....no I don't." I said, looking down at the ground. There was silence before I looked up, pulling myself together and putting a large smile on my face. If I was to have not even a month left, I would want to spend it with Daichi. "Do you wanna go for a walk Daichi-san?"

"Sure." He said, his eyes pitying me.

"Great!" I almost reached for his hand out of reflex but then stopped, immediately seizing my breath.

"What?" He asked worriedly.

I shoved my hands into my pockets, "Nothing! I'm fine. Let's go." I took the lead, it was getting closer to winter every day. The leaves were starting to dry, but they were still colorful nonetheless. I looked at them, enjoying every moment. They shined like the sun in his presence. Since I knew I'd probably have little time left....maybe it all seemed more beautiful. Maybe my brain was tricking me into thinking it was better.

Daichi stared at me as I walked ahead of him, we were walking up a path to an old temple. It was always very beautiful up here this time of year. I came often when I needed peace, I wanted to show it to someone before I was out of time. "Suga...what is this place?"

He asked when we got to a clearing in the woods behind the temple. I turned and smiled to him, the colorful trees made me look less pale and shined off my hair, "My favorite place! I come here when I need a break."

"Why would you...trust me with this place?" He asked. I knew he would understand the importance of this.

"I'd trust you with anything Daichi." I said, he snapped back to look at my eyes, his eyes wide. My face lit up, bright red, "Because you're my best friend! I mean...you're my captain and there's really nothing I can't trust you with. Well....actually. But that's. No..." I started rambling.

"Suga!" He said, stopping me, he laughed light-heartedly. Pink dusted his cheeks. I blamed it on the cold, "I get it."

I nodded slowly, "Okay well....I hope you can make good use of it."

Right as I turned away to look back at the trees, Daichi hugged me again. He put his hands over my shoulders from the back, his cheek lightly touched my hair. I was so aware of exactly where he was. "Thank you." He said in that quiet voice.

I was glad to be turned away, I was a shade of red that I couldn't just blame on the glow of the trees. My heart was pounding, when he finally pulled away I felt cold despite my jacket. "I'm happy you like it." I laughed.

We went back to my house for lunch. My mother had made us sandwiches, she'd always liked Daichi but even I could tell that she was being extra nice to him. Shooing my siblings out of our way and trying to get him to come back soon. "It's really fine if they stay..." He said.

"Oh nonsense, they have better things to do than bother the two of you." She assured him. Then she left and Daichi and I were alone in the kitchen.

"Your mom is really nice." He said.

For some reason, I felt embarrassed that she was acting so strange around him. It wasn't like she'd never met him before, he'd come over a couple of times. "Yeah." I laughed awkwardly, scratching the back of my neck. My throat and lungs were starting to burn more and I knew that my face looked drained of color inside.

"Hey so, the reason that I had come here in the first place was because I wanted to maybe help you pack or something...see if your family needs anything." He said, back to having a worried aura. So caring.

"Oh! We're okay, although I was actually packing just before you came here. I guess you could help. I'm not taking much, it's not like I'll be staying there for long." I said, not that I was in denial. I knew very well how long I could be there. But I didn't want him to stress any more than he was already going to.

We went upstairs after lunch, Daichi had missed that I'd slipped my sandwich into the garbage. I didn't know if I could swallow anything without risking the flowers in my chest throwing a fit. I had only coughed a little bit on the walk we'd went on and I didn't want to ruin that. There was one box that I'd started to pack up with my pillows and blankets.

"What are you planning on bringing with you?" He asked as I got him a box.

"You know, just some clothes and some of my favorite things." I said, handing it to him and going over to finish with my pillow and blankets. "You can start with clothes, just pick out whatever, I don't really care."

He nodded, I wasn't really watching what he was packing. It got quiet and I was a bit nervous. What if he was bored? What if he just wanted to leave out of no where and I didn't get another option to see him in person?

"Do you wanna listen to music?" He asked. Genius.

"Yeah of course! I have an Echo Dot if you wanna use that-"

"Actually I was thinking I'd just use my phone. I have a good playlist." He said with a smile.

The first song was Yellow by Coldplay. I knew this song by heart and I hummed along happily as I packed.

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you....they really do shine for you Daichi.

Time flew by and I didn't realize that the sun had started to set until my room started to get dark. I switched on a light, Daichi had a book open and was flipping through the pages. I took that opportunity to cough out the multitude of flowers that had lodged themselves in my throat and shove them quickly into my desk. My second drawer was near full. I walked over and bent over the book that Daichi was reading. It was one of my scrapbooks....the one that contained the year we first met. And the one that would slowly reveal my crush on him. I snatched the book from his hand and he looked up, a guilty look on his face. "Sorry..." He said.

I threw it in a box, "Don't worry about it. It's just not important." I said with a laugh. I hadn't checked exactly how far he'd gotten but he wasn't acting differently. So maybe he hadn't gotten to the important part. I smiled at him, the song was The A Team by Ed Sheeran. I offered him a hand up, "Wanna dance?" I asked, filled with adrenaline for some reason. This had been my favorite song last year...it was perfect.

He looked like he wanted to turn me down, but instead, he took my hand and let me pull him up. He automatically took the position of the lead and spun me around the room. "Been this way since eighteen, but lately her face seems...slowly sinking wasting." How ironic. The sun that was sinking below the clouds left flickers of gold in the room as we danced. And as the song slowed to an end, he twirled me. The moment seemed frozen in time. His eyes shone and if I didn't know better....I might've thought he loved me.

One thing about Hanahaki is that if anything...it makes all your memories more vivid. They all seem more important, it makes you want to clutch to them. More so than life. There were moments like that dance that made me think that maybe I should just forget Daichi....we'd make more memories. He wouldn't let me really forget....but then this song would lose its meaning. That can't happen.

I'm surprised to see the new year....does the light feel extra bright today or is it just me?

I entered that hospital room for the second time in my life. Although it was clean, it tasted like sickness. It tasted like ash. It tasted like the end of the road. And I hated it. Dr. Ennoshita got some of his nurses to bring in my stuff to my room. I brought the box of scrapbooks. Before I'd left the house yesterday, I'd left a note on my desk. For some reason it felt wrong to write nothing for Daichi. I don't know how much time I have left. I woke up this morning and my throat was clogged with flowers from suppressing it so much yesterday. I couldn't breathe and I panicked. My throat is rough today and my voice comes out scratchy. But refraining from talking when I may have a limited amount of words left to say feels wrong. I'd coughed up all those flowers and all that blood into the last drawer of my desk, filling it more than half way.

"Alright. That's all of it." The nurse said. I was still standing by the door. I had gotten out of the way so that they could bring the boxes in....but for some reason I couldn't make my feet move further into this room of despair. The bed had been changed to a more comfortable looking one. The sheets were green but the covers were still white. Like a hotel bed...I didn't like all the space in the room. The space was more suffocating than if it were half as large. When my throat started to burn I thought it was because I wanted to cry. I was proven wrong when the flowers forced themselves up into my mouth, I put a hand over my mouth, trying to make it to a trashcan. I pushed past my mother and tried to get to the bathroom, but there was someone in there. I vomited pink flowers all over the floor in the hallway. People stared but I paid them no mind. Dr. Ennoshita came over and patted my shoulder as I straightened myself out. "You should have had a trashcan available." I said, my eyes stinging as I shoved past him and forced myself to enter the room. I know that I shouldn't have been hostile to him but I couldn't help it. I needed someone to blame then. If I didn't I would have ended up apologizing which would have led me into a spiral...I shouldn't have to apologize for this stupid situation I'm in. Why. Why? WHY!?

"Can you leave me alone please?" I asked my mother who was standing at the doorway.

She blinked a couple times but then nodded, "Y-yes of course." She closed the door and I heard her soft foot steps walking away.

I sat on the bed that was still half the distance to the window. But I didn't have the energy or the motivation to move it right now....I'd ask Dr. Ennoshita to move it for me later. Apparently I have time here anyways. I don't understand...why this is happening. Being with Daichi harms me. Today the flowers have been worse than ever. There's more blood. But at the same time...I've never felt as safe or as calm as I did when he was holding me in his arms or spinning me around that room. When he hugged me in my favorite spot, when he played my favorite song. When he gave me a tulip on Valentines. When he caused beautiful flowers to grow in my lungs. As another one fell out, I caught it and held it in my hand. It was magnificently white. I was sure that they were all pink now...it looked so innocent. I smiled at it, despite myself. "Where did I go wrong?" I asked the flower with a smile, tears stung my eyes but I smiled through them. "Is being in love such a crime?" I asked, beginning to hiccup as I tried to hold in my sobs. Tears streamed down my cheeks. "I'm not good enough. I don't deserve him anyways. He's always..." A sob caused me to shake, "He's always so good to me."

The door opened, but I was too far caught up in myself to look up or care who it was. The bed sunk in as two people sat beside me and Asahi and Ennoshita asked no questions as they sat beside me and wrapped there arms around me in a hug. I just kept crying.
~~~

My first night in the hospital was....cold. The heater was broken. Although the blanket was thick, it didn't help to warm the chill. I couldn't fall asleep, so I got up and decided to go out to the garden that seemed to be outside of my window. It looked nice and I hadn't been out there yet. Plus it would look different in the night than the day. Might as well explore the premises of my 'new home'.

It was too dark to see anything and much colder than inside. I forced myself to keep going anyways, the cold was numbing to my throat. I held onto the freezing railing that lined the stone path in the garden. How sick were the people here?

"Hello?" The voice of a young girl scared me out of my wits.

"Shit!" I yelled, jumping at the sound. When I calmed down a bit, I looked behind me and saw a girl. She looked to be about in middle school. "I-i'm sorry...are you a patient here?"

She shook her head, she had choppy shoulder length brown hair. Her eyes were dark but the moonlight made them look like stars. "No, are you?"

I smiled, "Yes. I'm new."

"That explains why you're up and walking." Her voice was light and airy. "Most of the patients here are only here to die."

I blinked quickly at her blunt words, "Well...it is a hospital." I said cautiously.

She looked away from me and over at nothing in particular, "You can't make friends here. They all fly away."

"Fly?" I asked, although I shouldn't have. Another thing I shouldn't have done. Today was a day of mistakes.

"Yes. They're souls, hover....before they leave. I think it's...acceptance. Accepting that they are going to die." How old was this girl? I had to ask.

"Uhm...I hope you don't mind me asking but how old are you?"

She smiled, "It's better not to get to know each other if you are here to die too."

"Fair." I held out a hand to her with a sideways smile.

She tilted her head in confusion, "What?"

"A promise...not to get to know each other." I said.

She smiled, I don't think anyone had said that to her before. Her small hand took mine, surprisingly warm compared to the chilled night air. Her presence itself was warm, until I shivered right then...I realized I hadn't felt cold since she approached me. "You should go back inside." She said.

"You're right." I said. "Good b-"

"Don't." She stopped me and I gave her a curious look. "Good bye sounds permanent...."

"Okay then...until next time."

I don't remember going back to my room that night. But I remember waking up late the next morning only to go back to sleep.

There are days when I wish that it would just end. Why won't it just end? Why prolong it if we all know how this goes?

The team calls me every day before a game. It was something that Daichi had started...what makes him so kind? I don't understand it entirely and some days I wish he wasn't. Then I wouldn't be in this mess. However, I know that if it wasn't him it could have been anyone. If you love too deeply and you love too fast, you crash and burn. I'm still in the crashing process.

I was just ending the call with them when the girl entered my room again. "Are those your friends?" She asked, coming over to me.

I smiled at her kindly, "Yes. They are."

"Why aren't they here?"

"Because they play volleyball. And they have a game today." I told her, still smiling contently.

"Oh...does it make it easier?" She asked, her eyes looked somehow more dull under hospital lights.

"Make what easier?" I asked, swinging my legs out of bed.

"Make it easier for you if they aren't with you in person?" Something about he way that she asked the question made me feel selfish for not wanting them here with me.

"No. No I just...don't want them to feel anymore pain by getting closer to me. By distancing myself it will make it easier for them." I said, looking to the window which was now on my right since I'd had the bed moved. "It certainly doesn't make it any easier for me."

"So you want to see them?" She pressed on.

She was starting to bother me, but I answered patiently anyways, "Yes. I wish I could be with them and be healthy just one more time. I think I'd change the last things that I said to each of them. Make it more personal, you know?"

"Say good bye?" She asked, her eyes looked disappointed.

"No. Not good bye." To be honest 'good bye' was the only thing left to say...but if I reworded it maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad, "I'd tell Kageyama that he will be a wonderful setter and I'd make sure that he knew everyone's favorite sets. I'd tell him not to let his rivalry with Hinata break up their friendship. I'd tell Yamaguchi that sometimes friendship requires you to stand up for yourself. And I'd tell Tsukishima that by supporting his team, his brother was the strongest person on Karasuno. To let go of your position because you know you know what's best...I like to think that it's a pretty selfless thing to do." I said, reminiscent.

"Did you do that?" I had forgotten that I was talking to her and not just myself. She was a sharp girl.

"Yes...I did. And I still had a lot to offer to the team while I was on it but now...I'm glad that Kageyama is there to take my place. And that Ennoshita will be there to hold the team together after-" I stopped immediately when I realized what I was about to say. She stared at me, waiting for me to continue. "Anyways, the second years, I'd tell Tanaka to make sure that he's always respectful to women when he pursues them. And to be patient with Kiyoko-san and it'll all turn out. I'd tell Nishinoya that his energy fuels the team and that it means a lot to me knowing that he'll have everyone's backs. No matter what. Ennoshita-san....I didn't know that I would end up relying so much on him. I probably should have kept him at a distance. But instead, he ended up being my crutch and if there is anyone on Karasuno that I can truly call my best friend, it's Ennoshita. He and his help meant a lot to me these last couple of months. His friendship...has meant more to me that any others had in my entire life. He didn't run when he learned about my disease or why I had it. He's going to hold the team together and I firmly believe that. I only hope that there is someone that will be able to hold him together."

She was staring up at me, those dull eyes. Either she was a very attentive listener, or she was spacing out completely. In any case, I wanted to go through the third years.

"Asahi-san...I'm so honored that he rejoined the team. I hope that he stays there and continues to call for tosses with Kageyama as his setter. I hope he knows that it's not a bad thing to be cautious but...sometimes confidence is key. And Daichi...." My eyes misted over thinking about Daichi and my heart immediately swelled as I said his name. A couple of flowers spilled out. The girl caught one in her hand.

"Flower..." She said, the flower that was in her hand was completely red. No hint of white or even pink. "Are you sick because of the flower?"

I got chills from her words for some reason, "Yes...the flower is called a gardenia."

"It's red." She said.

I nodded slowly, "Yes that's because....it's a secret."

"The flower is a secret?" Her expression said curiosity but her eyes were still dull.

"The flower represents a secret." I said, "A secret love."

"I see...love." She tested the word out as if she'd never heard it before. "Daichi." She said the two syllables of his name with a certain candidness that made it seem like it wasn't his name.

"What?" I asked.

"You were about to say what you would say to Daichi." She said, she was still standing beside the bed.

"Right." I bit my lip, "I don't think I can say that right now."

"Why?" So many questions. Why? Why not?

I just shook my head, "I just can't."

"Okay." She turned away and I turned back to the window. I didn't hear her open or close the door. But when I looked back she was no longer in the room.

"Morning." A dull voice said, opening the curtains in my room and letting in the blinding sunshine. I flinched as they opened but I sat up in bed. The dull ache in my chest throbbed at the sudden movement. The nurse who had opened the window left briskly and came back in with breakfast. After being in the hospital for over a week, days had become routinely. I hated how I was already used to it.

"Hey Sugawara, how are you doing?" Dr. Ennoshita entered the room around 11 and I still hadn't gotten out of bed.

"As well as I can be." I said with a sarcastic smile.

He sighed, "I brought you something." It was a tan file.

"What's this?" I asked, taking it in my hands, it wasn't labeled but I flipped it open anyways.

"The exact process of the surgery and how it works." He said after a brief pause.

I immediately took my eyes away from it and snapped to his with a harsh glare. He flinched under it. "I don't want surgery." I pressed.

"Please just look at it Sugawara. I'll leave it here with you." He said and rushed out of the room before I could protest again. ~~~

The day was boring as per usual. The girl didn't come to visit and I refused to pick up the file. The next day passed the same and days were becoming a blur of blood and flowers and sore throats and sleep. Sleep was the only relief from this. The disease only progressed and I stopped trying to resist thoughts of Daichi that swirled around my head like a movie. This was a movie that I never got tired of watching. It must have been the weekend when a surprise visitor came.

"Asahi says hi and the team says get better soon." Daichi said upon his arrival. I didn't turn my head to look at him as I was staring at the tulips outside of the window.

"Did they?" I said after a couple of minutes. He came to stand next to me.

"Yup...." It faded into silence, it was a silence that haunted me.

I finally looked over at him, "What are you doing here?"

"I came to visit. Ennoshita-san said this was where you were staying." He answered. Did Ennoshita tell him anything else? I didn't want to ask.

"Daichi-san let's go for a walk." I said although I was still in pjs. It's not like anyone could tell that I hadn't changed clothes since yesterday. I through on a sweater and a scarf.

"Where?" He asked, turning to me as I walked up to the door. I was holding in my breath as I tried to walk at a normal pace. But my legs were unsteady from disuse.

"Doesn't matter. Just as long as it's away from this damn place." I cursed under my breath. Daichi didn't argue.

We walked right out of the hospital. If I had seen the doctor, I would've been more nervous. He was the only one who would've stopped me on my way out. Daichi got right into the driver's side and unlocked the car. I pulled myself up into the seat and I couldn't help but cough. As soon as I did, Daichi handed me an empty tissue box to spit into. There was no way he knows what I have...was there? "Daichi-"

"You're welcome." He said, he was staring straight ahead as we pulled out of the hospital parking lot. It was like he had this all planned.

After about 10 minutes of silence and coughing I looked over at him, "Where are we going?"

"School." He said.

I was immediately struck by fear, "No! We can't go-"

"Sugawara-san, it's Sunday. No one is gonna be there." He said, he still wasn't looking at me and it was a bit aggravating

I relaxed into my seat, "Okay..." I was silent for the rest of the drive to school.

"Where do you wanna go?" Daichi asked as we got out.

The cold air hit me and I breathed it in, it felt good. The hospital was pretty much always the same temperature since the heater had been installed. I looked over with a smile and he looked surprised, "Let's go play volleyball!"

He laughed, shaking his head "You...how do you do that?"

My smile never faltered, "Do what?"

"Turn everything around and make it all seem....fine." He said, a breeze blew our hair slightly.

"Oh you're the one that makes everything seem alright Daichi. You always have." I said, a light blush dusting my cheeks as I walked forward to the gym.

"Are you sure you can play?" He asked as I coughed a little. I was trying my best not to cough but it was impossible to suppress now so the best I could do was to hide the flowers.

"Yes of course." I said between coughing. I cleared my throat, "I wouldn't miss an opportunity to play volleyball Daichi-san."

We got in, he still had the key of course and he flipped on the lights. I breathed in that scent that used to be familiar...

He looked back at me as tears began to slip from my eyes, my face heating up. "Suga! What's wrong?" He asked, placing both hands on my shoulders. I was staring at the ground. My shoes on the polished gym floor.

"Nothing!" I said, looking up at him with a smile. I was red faced and tears were shining in my eyes, "Everything is just....perfect with you." I said with a laugh. I wiped off my face and he removed his hands, "I missed this place." I walked over and grabbed a volleyball. "Let's play."

Even though Daichi wasn't a spiker, he was well-rounded enough to let me toss a few for him. It took me a little bit to get my rhythm back, but eventually I adjusted to Daichi's hits and I warmed up a bit. It felt perfect...it felt like being the starting setter. I could picture my dreams when I had started my third year. I would carry the team to nationals. They could all rely on me. Toss The movement of my arms. Where was the spiker? How fast was he going? The sound of his hand when he hit the ball that I had set....

I caught the ball and Daichi paused when he had started to jump. I looked into his eyes, "Thank you."

"What for? This was your idea." He said with a small smile.

I shook my head, "No....for everything." ~~~

When I got back to the hospital, an overwhelming sense of dread came over me. I knew I wouldn't leave this time. As I was walking to my room, Dr. Ennoshita came up to me quickly. "Sugawara! I've been looking for you everywhere! Where have you been?"

"I'm sorry..." I said as I continued on to my room.

"It's fine...just tell me before you leave next time." He said.

"You wouldn't let me. Would you?" I asked, turning to him with truth-seeking eyes.

"You aren't a prisoner here Sugawara."

"Would you have stopped me?" I asked, stopping in front of my room.

I was met by silence and I opened the door. The little girl was sitting on my bed and looking out the window at the garden. "Hey!" I exclaimed, she turned.

Dr. Ennoshita tried to look past me into the room. She smiled and then popped open the window and jumped out. I rushed to the bedside and looked down...she was no where to be seen. Dr. Ennoshita came up behind me, "What is it?"

"That girl! She just jumped out of the window!" The window was open, I couldn't have imagined it.

"What girl?" He asked.

"There's this little girl who's been coming to talk to me sometimes and she just jumped out! I have to find her and make sure she's okay!" I said, starting away. Dr. Ennoshita grabbed my arm.

"Sugawara, there are no patients younger than you here." He said, his eyes worried.

"She said she wasn't a patient." I said, trying to no avail to be able to get out of his grasp.

"There is no little girl staying here." He assured me. "I think you should rest."

"She was really there...how else did the window get open?" I asked, tears beginning to form in my eyes again.

"A nurse opened it earlier to let in a breeze."

I shook my head but let him lead me into bed. I sat at the edge and pulled the blankets over me. "Having hallucinations with Hanahaki has happened before Sugawara. Don't worry."

Don't worry? Don't worry?! I was dying but I guess hallucinations shouldn't scare me then....she seemed so real. ~~~

"Daichi visited me on Sunday." I told Ennoshita when he came to visit me on Wednesday. He made it a point to always visit on Wednesdays after school. "Did you tell him what my disease was?"

"No." He answered, coming to stand at the edge of my bed by the window. "I only told him you're having trouble breathing."

"I see." I smiled as we looked at the flowers. "Aren't these tulips beautiful Ennoshita-san?"

"Suga..." He looked at me with pity. The kind of pity that I despised. Why does he have to look at me like that? "Do you know what tulips symbolize Suga-san?" He asked, looking back out of the window.

I answered happily, "Perfect and deep love." The window was open and I touched a petal. My hand was a bit shaky in the cold but I ignored it.

"Yes..." His face looked grave, "But according to some, they mean one-sided or unrequited love."

"Who are you?" I asked the girl when she visited me again. It was a lonely weekend. It was quiet and it was hard to breathe. Hard to pick up calls I received.

"I thought we shouldn't get to know each other." She said. Although her words were sarcastic, the tone that she said them in was innocent. I coughed up some flowers, the floor around my bed was littered with them. There were petals and blood staining the sheets. They interrupted my sleep now too. And I didn't have the energy to get up and go to the trashcan at the foot of my bed.

"You aren't real are you?" I asked her, staring at her dull eyes.

"I'm real." She said. "Only the dead and dying see me."

I thought for a moment, "Are you an angel?"

She shook her head, "No. I'm not a spirit or an angel or a hallucination. Those are all common misconceptions."

"Why did you jump out of the window?" Did I really care? Or was I just making conversation because I was lonely?

"Hmm." She sat on the bed thoughtfully and I moved my legs although her weight didn't sink the bed or anything. "I suppose that's because it is what you were feeling."

"What...?"

"You wanted to flee, so I fled for you. That is perhaps the best explanation I can offer as to who or what I am." She told me.

"So you're like...a manifestation of my thoughts?" I asked.

"Something like that." She said. She wasn't smiling. How come she didn't smile?

She started to walk away, "I will see you again....most likely."
~~~

I was sleeping soundly when the team came to visit. It was December and as everyone was going to visit their families for Winter break, I felt extremely depressed. Yesterday my mother and siblings had came in. The twins took turns reading me stories, they were so proud of their reading skills. Mother made me cookies, the remnants of which were resting on the table beside my bed.

The only reason I woke up was because of the shuffling feet and Daichi hissing a "Shh!" To the team.

I woke up coughing, but the flowers were lodged in my throat. Asahi and Ennoshita took action. Asahi grabbed a tissue box and my scarf, Ennoshita stood in front of me to hide me from the team as I took hacking coughs and flowers and blood fell from my lips. I took the tissue box and hid the flowers in a couple of tissues. Then I pulled on the scarf, "I'm okay!" I rasped, cringing at my voice. "I'm okay." Ennoshita stepped away, allowing the team to see me. I looked over all of their face and smiled without teeth just in face there was blood. "Whew! I'm sorry you guys had to see me like that!" I said with a laugh.

"Sugawara-san!" Tanaka, Nishinoya and Hinata jumped onto my bed and hugged me regardless of the disease.

"We miss you!" Tanaka said.

"The team really isn't the same without you." Kiyoko said from beside the bed. Tanaka got off and stood beside her, Nishinoya hopping off and backing away to allow the others to come up. Hinata stayed criss cross applesauce on the bottom of my bed.

"I miss you guys too!" I said, my cheeks hurting from all the smiling.

"When are you coming back Suga-san?" Kageyama asked when it was his turn at my side.

"Well..." The whole team was silent, waiting for my response.

It was Asahi who broke the silence, "We brought you gifts!" He said, bringing up three presents.

"What?" I asked as he set them on my lap, I pushed myself further up in bed. "What is all of this for?"

"Daichi said we should pitch in to cheer you up!" Yamaguchi said.

I looked up and saw Daichi scratching the back of his head with a light blush on his cheeks, "Really?" I asked.

"Yeah but everyone thought it was a good idea." He said modestly.

"Humble as always." Nishinoya nudged him.

I opened the presents and talked with the team. Around 5 p.m, everyone had to leave. "We'll be seeing you back soon right?" Yamaguchi asked as he left. I just smiled at him.

"We'll definitely visit!" Tanaka and Noya promised.

Hinata was in tears over leaving, even Kageyama's eyes were a little misty, "Come back and play with us!" Hinata said.

"I still have lots to learn from you." Kageyama told me.

When it was only Asahi, Ennoshita and Daichi left, Asahi and Ennoshita gave me a smile and nodded to us. "We'll give you some space." Ennoshita said, closing the door behind us.

There was a moment of silence as Daichi and I stared at each other. I coughed a little, hiding my mouth with the scarf, "There's a seat over there." I offered.

He grabbed it and sat by my head, "How are you?"

"Better now." I said with a smile.

"Good to hear." He said but his face said otherwise. "Ennoshita said you're refusing surgery."

My face drained, "What?"

"He didn't go into any specifics, but he told me that you don't want the surgery that could save your life." Don't look at me like that Daichi. Please...I can't take it if you look so disappointed in me.

"Oh...yes that's because of the side effects." I said, I had to look anywhere but his eyes. All the memories playing behind my eyes, more vivid than ever. Trying to force their way out.

"What side effects could possibly be worth your life?" Daichi asked, that caring look in his eyes. Those eyes that went right through me and unlocked my heart so easily.

"Daichi...please don't do this. I've made up my mind." I said slowly.

Daichi grabbed my shoulders, his hands were gripping so tightly I winced, "Sugawara. This is your life we're talking about. Do you know the weight of that?"

Tears started to slip from my eyes again, "I don't need that..." What I meant to say was that it wasn't as important to me as my memories...but it didn't come out that way.

Daichi released me, "What? Suga, what is going on?"

Before I could stop myself, I was venting everything to him. "My family, the team, even you. You'll all be just fine after I'm gone. It'll hurt at first but you'll all turn out fine. The twins are growing up, they'll be able to take care of mom. And Kageyama is taking care of the team. He's an amazing setter. He can keep everything going smoothly. Ennoshita will make an amazing captain next year too. And you...you have Michimiya. You guys are going to be a lovely couple, but we're bound to grow apart anyways." My eyes burned as I spilled. Completely breaking, it all slipped out before I even realized what I was doing. "And I'm not good enough. I wasn't good enough to be the setter. I wasn't good enough to keep my dad at home. I wasn't good enough to support Mom. I'm not good enough for y-." I stopped, realizing what I was just about to say and I raised a shaking hand to my mouth.

"Suga..." He said, "I didn't know."

"I didn't want you to." I said, tears still streaming down my cheeks. "I didn't want to burden you."

He wrapped me in his strong warm arms and I leaned into him, my face pressed into his shoulder. All my salty tears leaving a small puddle in his jacket, "I'm sorry." He said.

"Please don't be sorry." I said with a laugh through my crying, "I don't want to make you sorry."

"You are an amazing setter. The only reason I could stick with volleyball was because you were right there by my side all this time. Supporting me and supporting the team. You are the back bone of the team. Without you...we'll fall apart. If you-" He breathed, "If you die I don't know what I'd do. We aren't going to drift apart because of Michimiya. You are my best friend Sugawara. I wouldn't lose that for any girl. So please. Please promise me you'll try the surgery."

I bit my lip, not wanting to answer. He doesn't understand the consequences. How could I make him understand? "I could forget." I said.

He pulled away a little and I withdrew my arms reluctantly, "What?"

"If I get the surgery....the biggest side effect is that I could forget certain things." I said carefully. "I don't wanna forget you."

"Hey..." He put his warm hand on my cheek, "You won't forget me. If you do, I will help you remember. If you lose your memory everyday for the rest of your life, I will tell you our story so that you can remember if only for a few hours."

Just as I had stopped crying, he went and said something like that which made me start crying again. I lunged forward and hugged him around the middle again. "Okay."

"Okay what?" He asked just to be sure.

"I'll get the surgery."

Was it just a blatant lie or could I just not say no to him? He calls me almost everyday. Most days I don't even pick up. It's almost New Years, I can't leave my bed anymore. And I can't feel my feet. Every breath is a bit of a struggle. Mother stopped bringing my siblings to visit me. I really miss them but I know it's better that they don't see me like this. There are flowers beginning to poke out of my chest and throat. At least those will look pretty when I die. I hope that someone tells Daichi that the surgery was a fail. I don't want him to know that I lied to him. I read that file that Dr. Ennoshita had brought me the night after the team had visited. Just to see what I was in for. The results varied slightly, but one thing was for sure...they all lost their memories of the one they loved. The light above my head looked a little blurry. Did it always look like...that? My eyelids were getting heavy although I'd only woken up a couple of minutes ago. A nurse entered the room just as I fell into sleep.
~~~

As soon as Ennoshita got the news he got into his car and drove to Daichi's house. He knocked on the door and it was Daichi's first year sister who opened it. "Are you my brother's friend?"

"Yeah. Is he here? It's kind of urgent." Ennoshita said, rushing out his words and fidgeting nervously.

She nodded and opened the door, letting him in. "He's in his room upstairs."

Ennoshita sprinted up the stairs 3 at a time. Daichi was just coming out of the bathroom, "Ennoshita-san?"

"It's Suga." Ennoshita said. "There's something that I have to tell you about him."
~~~

Daichi arrived at the hospital 3 hours after Sugawara had slipped into a comatose like sleep. He was hooked up to a bunch of machines, his mother was crying outside of his door. Dr. Ennoshita was comforting her. He tried to stop Daichi from barging into the room to no avail. "Suga!" He yelled upon seeing him lying lifeless on the bed. There was blood on his lips and flowers sprouting on his throat and chest. Was that what that blue scarf he was always wearing for? Daichi's eyes widened, his heart pounding out of his chest. Ennoshita had told him the whole truth. About Suga's disease, his feelings and the fact that he wasn't planning on getting surgery. Daichi shook as he approached, he had to sit down. Slowly he lowered himself to the bed. Suga's pail hand was there. He automatically took it in his both of his hands. He felt his pulse, it was slow...unnervingly slow but there.

Daichi finally breathed a little, "Suga..." He traced his thumb over the back of Sugawara's cold hand. If only he had known....his head hurt from all the regret. His face was red and his heart was beating quickly. "Suga you should've told me." Even though Ennoshita had told him all the 'whys' for Suga's actions it still didn't make sense to him. It didn't seem possible to him. He looked over the peaceful face of the guy he called best friend. The one who had always been there for him. The one he'd never get to tell he loved him. He swallowed hard, "I...I must be stupid to not have noticed huh?" He said. "But Suga...I know it's too late right now. There are so many things to sort out. I think that if you had told me. And I think with a little more time, I could have fallen for you too." Daichi's eyes burned with tears he was trying so hard to suppress. "You probably think this is absolutely ridiculous but, there was a time when I really did like you like that. I threw away those feelings because I was so sure that you liked Kiyoko. After..." He was choking on his words, the tears flowing freely, "After that I suppressed it so much that I completely forgot about those feelings. I wish I could...I wish I could just bring them back right now. I know I like you. I know I can...with a little more time. I can fall in love with you. Please just...just a little more time."

Sugawara's mom came up beside Daichi and put a hand over his. His hands had warmed up Sugawara's cold one. Ennoshita came in next and put his hand on top of theirs as well. "Can't he get the surgery?" Daichi asked through tears. As if he'd heard them, a high pitched ringing sounded. They all jumped out of the way as doctors rushed in, trying to get to him. Ennoshita held Daichi back as he tried to hold Suga as his breathing faded. His heart had stopped. Vines wrapping around it. The sound of that flat line would haunt Daichi for the rest of his life.

The letter rested in Suga's empty room on the desk filled with flowers. After his day playing volleyball with Daichi, he had decided to revise it a little bit. He told his mother to give it to Daichi when he died. Once he had gone into that room, his mother had went home and grabbed the letter. She brought it with her but waited until she was sure that her son was gone to give it to Daichi.

Dear Daichi, if you are reading this the first thing I'd like to say is I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I had to write this. Even though I didn't want to bring you any pain or make you feel any guilt, I felt the need to tell you this before I really went. The disease that I have is called Hanahaki. If you don't know what that is, it's basically a disease that caused flowers to grow in my lungs. I cough them up until eventually my lungs have been overtaken by them. The reason that these flowers started to grow is because I am in a one-sided love. I'm guessing that now that you read that, you know who I'm in love with. It's you. It's always been you. I don't know what part of me held out hope that you would love me back. But the day that you announced to the team that you and Michimiya were dating was the day the first flower fell out of my mouth. Ennoshita-san knew and never said anything about it. Please tell him that I'm very grateful to him for keeping my secret. He was the best friend I ever could've had. And please don't think this was your fault. You are the sun, you are the wind, you are everything beautiful in this world. That is why I won't get the surgery. Because I can't forget that. I won't forget that. You are everything to me. And even if I did get the surgery, there will always be a piece of my heart that smiles whenever I think about you. So I don't think the surgery would even work anyways. I didn't want to pressure you into loving me just because I was dying. Had I asked you if you loved me...you wouldn't reply. And I knew what your answer would have been. If I had to wait in that silence, with every minute that passed my heart would sink lower as I awaited your denial. Instead of that, I chose not to tell you until I was 6 feet under. Please know that I died in peace. I died loving you. And that's all I ever wanted.

With Love, Koushi Sugawara. My heart is with you.

I finally found the courage to read that after Suga's funeral. I sat on the bench in front of his grave. A million confessions would not bring him back. I knew because I did. A million tears would not bring you back. I knew because I cried.