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Maybe it is the thick air as the weather gets warmer. Maybe it is the trilling of the nightingales and the crickets just yards from these barracks. Whatever it is, Jean simply cannot sleep. He tosses and turns in his bunk, his sheets discombobulated and away from him. The anxious sweat beads off his forehead, and he just can’t think. It’s so hot. Too hot.
He turns yet again—probably the third time he has done so in the past five minutes. But the fire in his stomach that escalates up to his lips, radiating off his body and keeping himself in an elated state, makes him breathless and on edge. What is this?
He realizes just how much his lips are suddenly burning. It’s the tinging fire that he feels which spreads down to his stomach. His breath hitches each time a current shoots downward, leaving sudden shocks on his mouth. He feels his lips and looks towards the other bunks. He can’t shake this sudden feeling that he is being tugged. But he relents and stays in his place, no matter how much he wants to resist.
His mind eye he sees himself, holding another soldier’s hand and intertwining fingers with them. He is smiling and pays no mind to it. He can feel the way his lips quirk up and how his teeth let the slightest exhales of his laughter loose when he meets eyes with his partner. He leans close while he strokes the other’s cheek.
Lips are aching. The voice is calling. He has the urge to follow through but a nagging gab is screaming at him to ignore, ignore…
He blinks his eyes open and jolts up in his bed. He just cannot go to sleep now. He has this feeling with no signs of shaking off. He is pretty sure it is because of the heat. There is no other way that he could be thinking of kissing…
He glances at the bunks again, where he looked before closing his eyes. He knows exactly who is sleeping there, their back facing away and their dark hair mussed from the pivoting of their head and restless dreams.
No, anyone but Eren. He doesn’t feel that way about him. At least, that’s what Jean thinks. As young trainees they had been at each other’s throats. Hot breaths mingled in insults and scolds. Fists fired, and they got to meet the fury of the heels of each other’s boots. Whenever there was a fight, people assumed that it was Jean Kirschtein and Eren Jaeger at it again, “as usual.” That’s how it always had been. And it still is that way.
Although things were much worse when they were younger, Jean still keeps the same state he had for Eren. There is no other way to think of him. Even if he somehow happened to develop feelings for him in some weird, awkward way, it’s never going to work out. He knows it. There is never going to be any other chemistry between him and Eren Jaeger.
Lips are aching. The voice is calling.
Jean quickly covers his mouth again. It’s this burning feeling on his lips. Right along them he can feel that urge. That tinge of adulterated desire. A kiss. Just one, quick little kiss. That isn’t too much, is it?
It is if the one that he’s wanting to kiss is someone that has held a grudge against him since the first day of training in the 104th Squad. That is just common knowledge to Jean. Eren can’t stand him. Eren hates his guts. Everyone knows it.
But he sincerely wonders how those lips he used to bust open in their brawls and scrimmages feel against his own.
He quickly shakes his head. No… No, he cannot have these thoughts about Eren. Never Eren. Common knowledge for himself, common knowledge of the people around him.
He has the urge to follow through but a nagging gab is screaming at him to ignore…
Ignore it, Jean.
He can’t.
Jean runs a hand through his hair, exhaling on a shaky sigh. This feeling. He can’t possibly shake it. Not now, not ever, not while his lips are still burning and the fire is spreading, sending another jolt coursing through his veins. It’s become a curse he is plagued with, and the only form of relief is to act. That is the only way. Imagining something else doesn’t work, not while he can see Eren shift in his bunk, hear him snore soundly and shuffle his limbs restlessly. If he gets up now, he knows exactly where his feet will lead him against his will.
He feels like he could cry right now. That’s how bad this is. He wants to kiss him. Just once. And his mind begins to race further and further into his conscience. It pulls out memories. Brief ones, of course.
Nights on watch. Keeping the pace when riding on patrol on their horses. Even as far back as training. With Jean giving him the biggest smugly grin he could muster while his eyes wander to his soft hair as he hears him grunt and eat his lunch with a flare in his green eyes that says “You make me sick.”
He’s gotten used to that, and it doesn’t seem as nagging as it does now. But the mentality is still there. That brief time in their youth really did a number on them both. He doesn’t have as hard of a time on trusting him with his judgment and skill, but socially and as a friend, he still does. Definitely. He doesn’t even feel like he is friends with him.
But at the same time, amidst this wall he’s built up as high as Rose, there is this feeling of longing. It’s true. Sometimes, on nights like these, he thinks about how nice it would feeling for once having Eren’s hand gently holding his instead of clenched into a fist headlong for his not-so-pretty face. To feel those nimble fingers intertwining with his own. That seems much better than what he is normally used to.
He sometimes thinks about how it might feel falling asleep next to him. Sharing each other’s warmth under these thin sheets. Arms looping around one another. Smiles exchanged in the dark and foreheads pressed together, their lips smiling and bringing them closer until they connect so perfectly.
Lips are aching. The voice is calling.
Jean can’t take it. He turns on his side again. The nagging gab telling him to ignore is getting softer though. He seems to have persuaded it. Just one little kiss… That’s all he wanted. And it shouldn’t be that hard to get, right? It probably is, but it doesn’t know that.
His lips are aching so badly right now.
Just once. Just once he wants to feel the way Eren’s lips feel against his own. He wonders how he tastes. He wonders how his breath will hitch when they’re so close that they pant hotly against each other’s skin. He wonders how much he’d have to lean his head down in order to have their lips meet. That’s not nearly as powerful as the imagination as their hands spreading this wildfire and making them both shake as they’re against the wall and grasping at each other’s jackets. This image is just so, so much.
The voice is calling and getting louder and louder and tormenting Jean as he tries to hide these emotions in his bed. But the burning on his lips and the thoughts in his mind, and the voice…
The voice is coming right from the bunk across the barracks.
Jean sits up again. Eren’s tossing and turning a little more than usual. Nightmare? He rubs his head and tilts it back. Also realizing that the sun is starting to rise now, he groans inwardly. He only had about four hours of sleep, give or take.
But it’s enough to keep him somewhat stable this morning. He sees Eren jolt awake, and his craving ceases. He has to keep it concealed. Who knows what would happen if he suddenly acted on it. Everyone is still asleep though, surprisingly.
Eren looks over at Jean with this dazed, worried look on his face. His nightmare must have been pretty bad tonight. He is gasping for air and holding onto the sheets until his knuckles are white. As he shakes his head he makes sure that the dried tear stains are somewhat wiped off. He’s just making sure he is safe, making sure he is in current time and not in whatever hell he is living in his dreams. It’s something that Jean regrets that he can’t experience.
Jean can’t just sit there like nothing is going on. “You okay?” he quietly calls while the others are sleeping.
The brunette shrugs. “Guess I am.” He’s in one of those moods this morning.
It’s kind of hot, in Jean’s opinion.
He quickly shakes his head. No. Now is not the time to have these temptations toying with him. He can’t think like this while they are both awake. But god… as much as he really wants to. Just once. One little kiss wouldn’t hurt anybody.
“Are you sure?” Jean’s voice comes out as a groggy croak.
“Yeah, whatever.” He does look a little hurt. Jean needs to just back off.
But he can’t. He’s already getting up. He is moving closer to the bed and no, no, no don’t sit next to Eren.
He sits down and runs his hand over his back. For once, Eren just lets him. He needs it, especially now after a rough night. “It’s okay,” he insists. “Can’t let a little nightmare keep you down, right?”
“Yeah,” he grumbles and gives Jean a half-hearted grin. “Go back to sleep.”
“Not yet.” He takes Eren’s hand. This craving is just making him a little braver, if anything else. He’s been wanting to just hold his hand like this for a while. Even this can be enough for now.
For once, his lips aren’t aching for that sense of affection.
“Just gonna make sure you’re alright before I do.” He watches Eren relax. Maybe it’s soothing for him to just have someone there when he just wants some reassurance. Whatever kind it is, Jean had no idea. But somehow he’s giving it to him.
“Thanks for caring,” the brunette snorts and looks down at the bed.
“No problem.” He gets up, his hand just lingering and holding Eren’s still. He can’t bring himself to let go of it. And Eren is not showing any signs of letting go either.
So he stays.