Chapter Text
Tremors in his hands accompanied by a sick turning in his stomach. Waves of anxiety and dread rolled through Draco’s body.
He knew he had to do this. There were so many things he had to do, but this was the worst. This was you.
Nothing had ever frozen his blood so much as when Snape told him about the Dark Lord’s newest task. The Lord knew about you- knew how Draco cared for you.
Love was weakness, and Draco couldn’t be weak, not if he was going to be successful.
Kill her , the message was. Prove his loyalty. Eliminate obstacles.
Draco had to do it, and the only thing that kept his legs moving was the knowledge that the Dark Lord would put you through so much worse if Draco didn’t.
They called you the Gryffindor Princess, and no one knew how the Slytherin Prince made you love him. Like a butterfly caught in a monster’s grasp.
You were Potter’s best friend and a Gryffindor at heart, so naturally, you and Draco hated each other from the start. Years of torment and pranks passed between the two of you, sick jokes and hospital visits aplenty. But things changed in your 5th year.
You met in the astronomy tower one night. Draco had been leaning against the wall, his eyes scanning over the sky as if looking for some message only he could see. You had just gotten back from detention with Umbridge, another ugly scar added to the ever-growing collection.
One would have expected the two of you to start bickering immediately, but there was something so intimate about meeting a stranger in the night that only silence filled the air. Stolen glances and the slight quirking of lips were only the start.
It had become an almost-tradition between the two of you. At midnight, you would sneak up to watch the stars together. At first, no one spoke, but gradually, he began talking.
He trusted you. He didn’t know why, but he did. You were a constant in his life since he was 11-years-old and one of the few people he could count on, if only just to argue with. And as soon as he knew it, he sat spilling his guts on the ledge of the Astronomy Tower, keeping things vague, yet so personal.
You talked back. Harry would’ve killed you if he knew you were becoming almost-friends with Malfoy, so you didn’t tell him. You told Draco things no one else knew, the feelings and pressure that you refused to talk about. And he understood.
Soon enough, your lips stopped sharing secrets and instead began sharing kisses bathed in moonlight.
Everything was kept between you, Draco, and the stars above.
He loved you. If there was one thing in the world that was certain, it was that Draco Malfoy loved you. He would do anything for you.
That’s what made this so much worse.
-
Dear Y/N,
You always told me I was better. That these actions didn’t define me. I wanted to believe you, but you were wrong. I am a monster and I will meet a bad end. But at least you won’t be there for it.
I never deserved what you’ve given me. Never deserved an ounce of it. And you won’t ever read this letter, won’t ever know half the things I’ve been too afraid to tell you, but given the chance, I would tell you everything.
I would tell you all the dark, evil things I’ve done. Katie Bell was just a number on that list. I always thought you were too good for that and every other part of my world. I was selfish because I know you would never accept me if you knew.
I would also tell you just how much you mean to me. Pansy always laughed whenever she caught me staring at you. I couldn’t help it, though. There was something so picturesque about you. If I could, I would take a photo of you and keep it in my pocket forever.
There would be lines on the flimsy paper for every time I unfolded and refolded it, just so I could see that smile on your face. And you would find the picture in a pile of my clothes one day and yell at me for it. You would tell me how off-guard you looked and that you could give me a better one to hold on to.
But I would say no. I would say how your lips tilt in just the right way that sends a spear through my heart. Your freckles are like stars that connect to a constellation I wouldn’t mind staring at for the rest of my life. That the jovial shock in your eyes is a reminder that we’re both alive and well.
There is so much I wish I could tell you. Too much I’ll never get to tell you. I’ve never been one for sentiment or emotion, but I’d sacrifice that piece of me if it meant I could go back.
That’s why I write this with a different scene in mind. I don’t think of the task at hand or the fact that I’m about to lose the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Instead, I’ll picture you’re waiting, lying on your side, with your hands between your thighs. Keeping yourself warm while, once again, I’m not there for you.
I’ll paint beautiful color over a painful canvas, hiding the fact that my heart is the shade of a crushed red, dark as blood. Like most humans, I will cope with this story by spinning it into another, highlighting the beauty of sadness, not the heartbreak.
I’m sorry.
- D.M.
-
The moon covered the Astronomy Tower in hues of silver and shine. There was a thick blanket you set out for the two of you on the ground, surrounded by candles and snacks.
You knew Draco had been suffering lately, his almost-grey skin and lost weight giving it away. There was a task that he refused to tell you about, and it was driving him mad.
It was well past midnight, but you would wait for him. He had been so detached lately and spent most of his time alone in the Room of Requirement. You never asked why, and he never told you.
There had been fights, of course. Screaming matches followed by sobs at the realization that your childhood was over before you even got to enjoy it.
Still, Draco Malfoy had your heart, and nothing he could ever do would change that. You’d felt his fear every time he came clean about another one of his actions, but you never blamed him. Things were never quite so black and white.
It was your one-year anniversary tonight.
May 5th. The day the two of you first admitted how you felt.
Your relationship was anything but traditional, but it worked well. Your brashness was soothed by his passiveness. Like a flame doused with water, something even greater rising from the ashes.
Just as you considered packing up the items and bringing them directly to his dorm, the door creaked open.
His grey eyes were empty, devoid of emotion.
Something about it made your hands freeze, a bad feeling taking an iron fist around your throat.
“Hi,” you said slowly, unsure of what was happening. Your eyes dragged down to a crumpled piece of parchment in his hand. “What’s that?” you asked with a point in its direction.
He shook his head. Clenched his jaw tightly. Pushed the paper into his pocket. “Nothing.” His voice came out low and empty, signaling that he was indeed occluding.
You slipped on the blankets as you stepped forward. His arms were around you instantly, preventing you from falling.
“Always so clumsy,” he joked, amusement rising in and out of his face. He cleared his throat uncomfortably, immediately hardening his expression, as if laughter were a gift he couldn’t afford.
“Talk to me, Draco. What happened?”
He took a step away, moving into the moonlight. The ethereal glow contrasted the look of dread on his face, reminding you of the anguished roman statues you find in museums.
You reached a hand out, always asking permission before touching him, especially when he was stressed.
“Tell me what to do and I’ll do it. Let me help you.”
He drew back even further and a gunshot went through your heart. Something was extremely wrong.
His voice was soft when he spoke. “What’s all this?” There was an underlying sadness in his words.
“It’s our anniversary, Draco. You thought I wouldn’t do something?” Your voice cracked slightly. No , you told yourself. You wouldn’t cry, no matter what.
Your words seemed to open a dam in him. The boy rarely cried or displayed many emotions, save for the panic attacks and breakdowns he had only in your presence, so this was unusual.
“I’m sorry.”
-
Draco watched as understanding flooded your features. He had warned you of the dangers that came with the two of you being together. The complications that could (and did) arrive.
But ever the Gryffindor, you didn’t care. You assured him that anything that happened you would face together.
“I see.” The words were quiet, contained. Draco didn’t understand how he was still breathing as his hand drifted towards the letter in his pocket.
“Aren’t you afraid? Aren’t you scared?” His voice rose in volume. You should be scared. He was a Death Eater. He was dangerous. “ Be afraid ,” he shouted.
But you just shook your head and tentatively placed a hand on his left wrist. “I know you, Draco. And you know me.”
A sob broke from his tattered lungs, battling the anger that continued to rise. “How could you? How could you love me ? A Death Eater?”
You smiled sadly. “Well, when you look at me like that, my darling, what did you expect? ”
He pulled his hand back, but your grip tightened on it, bringing it to rest against your cheek. “You can’t-,” he broke off roughly.
You slid it down to rest around your throat, his hand curving from habit formed over many nights in a similar position. “ I probably still adore you with your hands around my neck. Or I did last time I checked. ”
Draco pulled away successfully this time. There were too many emotions suffocating him right now. Love, hurt, anger. Fear.
He couldn’t fail. Too much was on the line. A knife twists at the thought that he should fall short of the mark.
Gathering his sparks of adrenaline, he reached into his robes and grabbed his wand, pulling it out quickly.
“Y/N,” he said as he pointed his wand at you.
“Draco.” You smirked at him like it was any other day.
-
You were purposely riling him up. You understood what his task was, what he was here to do.
There would never be anybody else for you but Draco. It was something you accepted within the first few months of your relationship.
So, you would do this for him. He was so clearly ruined by his task, his actions. He had to kill you. And you would help him do it.
He would hate himself over hurting you in any context. At least angering him would actually let him do it. Give him that final push.
Harry had taught you the importance of sacrifice, and you would not fail Draco, you would be there for him.
“Come on, Draco. Do it. The Dark Lord is counting on you, isn’t he?”
His hands tightened and he shoved you back, not enough to hurt, but enough to make an impact.
Another push had your back against the wall, the point of his wand pushing into your throat.
“ Run! Be scared! Be fucking terrified! ” It was a wonder no one could hear the two of you.
“No. You won’t do it, will you? Just your father’s disappointment- a waste of potential.” You were also shouting at him, begging him. The words felt foreign in your mouth, curses that seemed to hit their mark. You and he had spent enough time together to know each other’s weaknesses.
His eyes watered and he stumbled around his words before he cried, “ Avada- Avad- Av- ” He stuttered violently as he collapsed to his knees, sobs racking through him.
You kneeled down in front of him and wrapped your arms around him. “You can do it, my love. I forgive you.”
Nausea filled you as you straightened and placed his fallen wand into his hand and rested it against your throat once more. You were only fooling yourself with the notion that you were okay with death.
Your eyes drifted to the now disturbed blankets you had set out. It was supposed to be a nice night for the two of you. A small flame of happiness during these dark times.
Draco followed your line of sight and glanced at the scene. He laughed joylessly, “ I'm always just about to go and spoil a surprise , aren’t I?”
You had planned it out well. A small celebration meant for just the two of you. A milestone in not just your relationship, but your lives. Your first year together- and your last.
Your eyes met his and you held his hand in place. “I forgive you.”
Three words that broke the both of you. Despite your adamance that you do not cry, a single tear slid down your cheek.
“ Avada Ked- ”
Again, his hand dropped and a sob made him fall into your shoulder, your arms reacting immediately and letting him rest there.
“Y/N, please. I can’t do it.”
“Yes, you can. If not for you, do it for me. I’m not dumb, Draco, I know what’s going to happen if you fail.” Your voice was clear and a weak attempt at convincing.
“ I crumble completely when you cry ,” he smiled painfully through his tears as he looked up and wiped away your own.
You stayed like that for a while, murmuring small assurances to each other in an attempt to distract from the inevitable future.
-
Draco knew he had been absent lately. So many nights had been spent with that bloody cabinet that he hadn’t made time for you.
Your relationship became comprised of worried and checking glances during classes and little time spent in privacy. It seemed nights were taken up with goodbyes rather than time together.
His mind trailed back to the present. There were few things Draco Malfoy could not do, and the Dark Lord finally discovered one of them.
Love would forever be a weakness, but it had also been a strength. It was insane to believe that Draco could have survived these past few months without you. Just the thought of you put an extra breath of oxygen into his lungs.
On his way to the tower, he had gone through countless alternatives to killing you, arriving at almost nothing.
Almost.
The thought came to him while he was writing the letter. He had heard of what most of the Mudbloods had done with their parents and family.
Months ago, you had told him of you and your friends’ run-in with Professor Lockhart and the memory charm in your second year.
It could work. He could live with it as long as you were alive. It was tricky magic, but he had become adept at all sorts of charms these past years.
If he were correct about it, he could erase himself from the past year and a half of your life. You could keep everything else.
Confident in his decision, he stood up and pulled out his earlier letter. He ripped off the bottom where he had signed his name and used his wand to scribble out Pansy and Katie’s names, leaving it completely anonymous.
Your eyes tracked his movements as you stood to stand up beside him, shaking your shoulders and arms in hopes of getting your adrenaline running, preparing for the Unforgivable.
His wand burned up the ripped off scraps of paper as he folded the letter up and placed it in your empty hand.
“For later,” he said.
Your face twisted in confusion. “Later?”
“I have a new plan- something inspired by Granger.”
You stared at him before slowly connecting the pieces. Draco always held pride over your logic levels, you were near the top of the class for a reason.
“Yes, Y/N. It works out so well, right?” He was almost giddy with the idea. Heartbroken, he would be. But that didn’t erase the fact that you would be alive and happy. That would be enough.
“Draco, no. Please, no.” You backed away, fear and sadness taking front-row seats in your eyes. “I don’t want this. Just kill me, please . Death is better than forgetting you.”
“It’ll be like nothing changed, love. Everything will be as it should be.” He stepped forward, backing you against the wall again.
This was good. You would be okay. He could breathe as long as you were okay. Memories were enough to satisfy him.
“Draco, don’t. This I won’t forgive you for. I will never accept this.”
Those words made a large lump form in his throat. Maybe it wouldn’t work. Could he really live with your hateful stares again? Could he survive with the knowledge that you loathed him with every bone in your body?
He shook his head. “There will be nothing to forgive. You’ll be happy and the Dark Lord will be satisfied. I’ll convince Snape to help me find a body or some sort of proof.” He smiled through the new tears now piling onto the old.
You pushed him back to no avail. He was too tall, too strong. Draco watched your hand reach for your wand and he efficiently disarmed you.
“Expelliarmus .” The wand flew into his hand and he threw it to the side.
You glared at him. “Draco, I love you . Don’t erase yourself, I can’t handle it. My soul knows yours and yours only. It will eat me alive.”
Still, he only reassured you. “This is the only option. The only one I can live with,” he added when you opened your mouth in protest.
“What about what I can live with. Things won’t just ‘go back to normal’. Life doesn’t work that way.”
He silenced you with a kiss. It was sad and held hearts full of memories. You kissed him back, not touching except for the hand you moved up to his cheek.
-
You broke it first, but didn’t back away. “ Please ,” you whispered, despite the acceptance filling you. Sacrifice was a part of living, and you knew you would meet him again, if not in this life, then another.
“I’m sorry.” It was broken and heartfelt. He reached to the necklace around your neck and removed the band from it, pocketing the Malfoy signet ring he had given you on your sixth-month anniversary.
Like before, you made eye contact with him as his wand was brought to your temple, your hand finding the mysterious letter from earlier.
In your mind, you relived every conversation, every moment the two of you shared in your time together. The promises, the secrets, the touches that defined your relationship.
You could never forget Draco Malfoy. He had unknowingly made a mark on your heart, not just your mind.
You whispered quietly with an accepting smile, “ It seems like once again you've had to greet me with goodbye .”
Draco looked at you with just as much pain as you had him, closing his eyes to whisper one broken word.
“ Obliviate. ”