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The sun shining through my window indicating that another day has come. People living in luxury would most likely say "Yay thank god for this day! Thank you for being alive," but if you’re someone like me, someone that society still hasn’t accepted, someone that is still struggling to find ways on how to prove yourself worthy, then you would most likely roll over and grunt while uttering the words “Oh shoot, another day. Why am I still alive?” Then negative thoughts will surround you until you are completely enveloped by darkness. But hey! If you are that type of person, I’m sure you are doing a great job. Pulling yourself together and just trying to conform into society’s standards, the so-called “norms”.
Most people would say that I am overreacting things, that society has already accepted us. But are they really accepting us if every day and minute of my life I still cannot show who I really am excluding my friends? Have they accepted us but still make these jokes that are low-key discriminating against us? For example, the song “Ay barbie sabi ko na” which became viral and only mocked my community. They even made it into a trend! How insensitive of them and when they were called out they became defensive and called us overreacting, that it's just a song.
In addition to that, every single day I experience discrimination. Within the people I trust, my friends and even within my family. Their jokes that they think are harmless, actually hurts me. 'Di lang nila naririnig ang iyak bawat gabi, yung unan ko lang ata nakakaalam lahat ng hinanaing ko sa buhay eh.
Another one I’m personally experiencing is the judgmental eyes of that little friend group in our cafeteria over my group of friends just because of our sexualities. Can we really enjoy our lunch when we always receive obnoxious eyes? My friends are strong though, they do not give a thing about them. How I wish to be like them.
"Guys! May chismis ako!" my friend Jeonghan came rushing, pawis na pawis. Always the tea-server among our friend group, my best friend. Hearing what Han had said, it perked up my friends’ interest, not gonna lie so did mine. “A student has just transferred in our batch. Intimidating guy daw, came from the elites, yaman, gwapo!”
“Type mo?” Our youngest teased him, Chan. Chan is probably the most blunt person I know. Sa aming magkakaibigan he’s always the one who never forgets to nags at us even the slightest thing.
I saw how Jeonghan looks so offended. I confirmed it when he had said “Hoy ikaw! Nagwapuhan lang ako type na agad? Also halatang di nakikinig ah pag nagkwekwento ako ah! I have my eyes on someone na, diba? And it is also worth mentioning that my guy and this guy are friends!”
I raised my eyebrows at Jeonghan’s claim. I mean, what seems to be the point of bringing up this topic? All of a sudden? Knowing him, may binabalak ito, not sure lang kung maganda ba o kagagahan lang. He will probably mention it at some point. Jeonghan pa ba? Hindi naman natatahimik yan eh, sumasabog yan agad.
“Easy lang,” Chan defended himself, raising both of his hands as a sign of surrender. “Nang-aasar lang ako. ‘Wag defensive.”
“What is the point of this ba Han? I know you, what kind intentions do you have?” Vernon, one of our friends. A guy that is so carefree, he lives the way he wants to live, he’s not scared of the judgemental eyes. He shows what he wants to show, so free to express himself. The person I admire the most.
Suddenly, all eyes are somewhat expectant of what he will say. Jeonghan seems taken back that’s for sure. “Okay Vern, masyado kang atat. Actually as you all know, ako along with Shua will be graduating na for ilang months nalang.” I am definitely squinting my eyes at him at this “We made a pact before, remember Shuji?”
At napunta na saakin ang atensyon ng lahat. And yes I do remember the pact. The stupid pact wherein we have agreed na pag wala pang manliligaw samin, kami ang mag first move. “Yes Han, I remember it. Stupid of us to make that when we all know how much of a coward am I.”
The older man rolled his eyes. Jeonghan let out a sigh and stared at me directly at my eyes “Look, are you saying na you are giving up already? Hahayaan mo ba matapos ang taon natin sa senior high school ng wala tayong jowa? Really? C’mon it's time for us to unwind and experience that butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling!” He let out exaggeratedly.
I mean, I do get where he is coming from. I would love to feel that too, do not get me wrong. But what would the others say, hell what would my parents think of me? Yes, I have come out to them, told me they support and still love me however I know and I can feel that something has changed. The way that I see disappointment when they knew I would not be able to pass our genes and name to someone. The way they expect me to act feminine just because that’s what they know.
Ang bakla ay nais lamang magdamit babae, maging babae at mag-actong babae.
I’m definitely not saying that is wrong, just wrong connotation that’s all. I mean not everyone whose preference is being attracted to both genders wants to act feminine. Acting one is a different thing. That’s not me. That’s someone else. I just happen to like boys but I’m the same me, the same boy my parents raised me.
“Han it’s not that easy for me and out of all people you should be the first one to know and understand it.” I defended myself. I do not want to stir up a fight, but I want him to understand me.
“I’m not saying you should rush it! And I’m not saying that you should jump on this guy, flirt with him and force yourself into a relationship. Linalatag ko lang sayo na, why don’t you try it? The pros weigh more than the cons. Don’t let fear decide for you and miss out the wonders of life. It will be harder in the future,” Jeonghan rebutted. He said this with such sincerity, like he wants to tell me that he does understand me, but like what he has said earlier I should come out of my comfort zone.
Should I? Should I open new doors to my life? Am I really trying it out? Will the pain and suffering be worth it for a guy I barely know except from what my best friend has described him? How does this thing even work? How do I come at him and work my way through his life.
Someone interrupted my train of thoughts when someone approached our table and asked us in a quietly yet sternly manner “Hey, uhm. My friends and I don’t have any seat left to eat on. Do you guys mind if you share?” I looked over at my friends expressions, one stood out the most though, Jeonghan’s. Eyes wide open, looking at the guy with stars in his eyes. He was shining and glowing. The embodiment of the heart-eyes emoji. And what I had just expected of him, he was the one who responded to them.
“Hi! Sure, it would not be a bother for us. What are your names by the way? At least introduce yourself in exchange for the table we have shared.” Classy Jeonghan. Kilalang kilala na nya yung mga ito eh. He even has his eyes on the man who asked. The men who just arrived let out a chuckle and one of them eagerly agreed and stated that introducing themselves is nothing but a piece of cake.
“Jeon Wonwoo, same batch as you. Captain of this year’s volleyball team. Along with me are my teammates!” And so one by one they introduced themselves while I zone out because these people, no offense to them, didn't really catch my attention. Not until I felt the kick of the someone opposite from where I sat. I looked up and saw that he pointed at the direction of the guy beside me. I guess it was his turn to introduce himself, he wants me to listen to him so, why not?
“Choi Seungcheol. I have recently transferred so, yeah. There’s nothing much to say because I still have yet a story to write within this quadrant.” He briefly introduced. Choi Seungcheol, nice name. I do not know why but his name suits him. And Jeonghan’s limited description a while ago matched with the guy beside him. He does look intimidating and definitely radiates that rich-guy feeling.
“That’s Joshua besides you. Cute noh? Kung hindi lang kami parang kapatid nyan baka linigawan at jinowa ko na yan eh. Don’t you agree, Cheol? Jeonghan randomly stated at sa totoo lang kung wala lang kami sa hapag kainan baka nasabunutan ko na ito. Now Cheol can’t help but to look over my side. I saw him smirking and looked at me from top to bottom.
“I agree with you. Should I get your number then, Joshua?” He says with too much cockiness, ako naman yung muntik mabalaukan at ngayong pinagtatawanan na ako ng mga kaibigan ko. I looked at this guy named Seungcheol with eyebrows drawn together with a questioning face. How was he so bold to ask that infront of not only my friends but his friends as well, adding the fact that we are in a public place and someone might have heard what he had just said.
I tried to look over my friends and their eyes and facial expressions were just telling me to go for it. I directly looked at my best friend and I saw a small smile forming. “Sure! I’ll input it in your phone. Feel free to ask me to hang out.” I nonchalantly told him but in reality I was really exploding inside. I like him already.
I am excited. But with excitement comes great anxiety. Fear of what will be the statement of the judgmental eyes who’s been making me uncomfortable since then. What will they say when they find out who I really am? What words will they throw at me? What rights will be taken away from me because I like this one boy?
From that moment on, Seuncheol did not disappoint me and live up the expectations I have set for myself. He does ask me on dates, spoil me with gifts like chocolates and some plushies. He always makes sure to be the last one to reply and says our goodnights last and when I wake up, he also makes sure to message me first thing in the morning and greets me. And when I’m lucky, I get to be with him during breakfast. Felt like I was some sort of royalty whenever he fetches me at my house, and ends our day by sending me off to my house.
He even joined me when I have recently found this new hobby of mine, making bracelets. Of course I made him one, his’ was the most special. Feeling happy was an understatement, I was on the cloud nine whenever I was with him.
Choi Seungcheol was finally starting to feel like a place I have found comfort with. Cheol was starting to be my wall in this tiring life, my rest ika nga. He makes sure to be always there to wipe out the tears I have shed during my darkest nights. He makes sure to always listen intently to every single rant and stories I have shared. The forehead kisses, the subtle touches, the stares and shy glances. All of them. I have enjoyed it. I have loved every single thing about it.
Cheol would always remind me to rest, to be mentally and physically healthy. He spoils me by treating me to different fast food chains. He would call at 5 in the morning just to ask me if I could join him in watching sunrise, as he finds it fascinating and amazing. He really is the epitome of a good boyfriend.
Cheol have mentioned something to me the
I have completely fallen for a guy named Choi Seungcheol.
“Are you dating that guy? Hatid sundo ka ah, daig pa school bus.” My mom asks on our breakfast table. I can’t help but to slightly blush whenever someone brings up the topic about him, it has this effect on me already.
“Dating wouldn’t exactly be the term I’ll be using. Magkaibigan lang kami ni Cheol, mom. Sadyang, he's nice to give me lift. And nakakatipid pa ako nang pamasahe, so I am not really complaining.” I explained. I’m not denying but I also don’t want to assume. Within the past months, yes we have flirted and did a lot of things that a couple would normally do. But asking for our label? Ano nga ba kami? Ano nga ba ang gusto kong maging kami?
“Shua, hey Shua!” I blinked away from my thoughts. I looked up and saw Cheol looking so worried with his furrowed eyebrows. “What’s bothering you? Why made you spaced out? You barely do that.” For a short period of time we have known each other, he sure has picked up my habits.
“Nothing in particular! Baka inaantok lang, remember I had slept late because of the requirement I needed to accomplish? Probably that lang. Don’t worry about me.” I assured him.
But it's a lie.
A lot of things have been bothering me lately, all connected with the man opposite seated from me.
Seungcheol makes a humming sound, does this mean he believes in me or does he know I’ve been hiding something from him. “Are you free on a saturday? My family has this vacation planned, it would be lovely if you could join us.” Seungcheol said with a smile.
My first reaction was to be shocked, and be excited. Choi Seungcheol is letting me meet his family. Doesn't that hold a significant meaning? It only means that he lets me in his life already. I mean he trusts me enough to meet his family, people whom he lived with so many years.
Call me overreacting again, but I feel like tearing up. I rose up from my seat and immediately hugged him, so tightly. I placed myself on top of him, unconsciously straddling him, slotting my face into the crook of his neck and let my tears shed. I whispered a lot of “thank yous” and told him “you don’t even know how much this means to me”.
I cried a lot harder when he reciprocated my hug and gently nuzzled his face to me. After he had left a kiss on my forehead, he pulled away, held my face and stared directly into my eyes “Why are you crying and saying thank you, shua? You’re important to me already okay? Besides my mom’s curious na who’s this guy I’m always seeing. It's fair enough for them to meet you. They’ll love you.”
I don't really know what to say. I have so many thoughts running inside my heads. Different what-ifs, the fear of being judged, or the mere feeling of being uncomfortable. Should I act differently? How does one person act in front of their crush’s family?
I nodded at Seungcheol and went back to placing my head to the crook of his neck. Our position made me feel comfortable, with all the negative thoughts surrounding me, one thing I am sure of now is that when I’m with him, I feel at ease and I feel safe. Someone who I can show myself without being judged. Next thing I know, I’ve heard him say “Let me feel you safe, you’re one of the most important people I have in my life." then I drifted to sleep.
“Is this your jam? Classical music? Didn’t expect you to be that kind of person who plays Mozzart’s music as their road trip background music.” He tried to tease me. I looked over at Cheol and glared at him. How dare he insult the art of classical music. “Shut up, pwede ba. It calms me down.” I puffed out, putting my arms over my chest and rolling my eyes at his statement.
I heard him sigh. Then I felt someone taking my hand, interlocking it before kissing the back of my hand. “ Still worried? Don’t be okay. Can you at least tell me what are your thoughts? Only if you're comfortable though."
“If you don’t mind me asking, when you came out to your parents, how did it go?” Still holding his hand, I asked. I genuinely like to know because based on his stories, his family is accepting. Treating him like a normal person. I would like to know what it feels like to be accepted at a place you are supposed to call home.
“Hirap. Sobra. I don’t even remember what took over me to have the courage to do it. It was not helping that I haven’t really accepted myself back then and I didn’t really know what my sexuality was. Ang alam ko lang I find guys attractive, I want to be with them romantically.“ He started.
“My parents were shocked at first and speechless. I thought that time na ‘ah wala na toh, handa na ako mapalayas’ but that didn’t happen. My dad stood up and went towards me, he hugged me so tight that I resulted in a crying mess. My parents told me that they were proud of me for being so brave to come out to them. That they are happy they have known this. Alam mo ngayon, I didn’t feel any change. Mas lalo pa nga ako inaasar ng tatay ko.” He continued with a smile on his face. Must be nice to feel it. I’m happy that he didn’t live in fear.
“Asar? In what way?” I asked him. He giggled so hard, perhaps he’s reminiscing of his memories with his dad. “Pag asa grocery kami and may makikita syang gwapo, aba binubugaw na ako agad! Siya pa nga kumakausap tas pinapakilala ako. Parang tanga lang, diba! Tas alam mo, every little achievement I get, never syang pumayla na purrin ako. Nothing has changed with the way he treats me. ” I can’t help but smile. He does have a nice and accepting family, it's what he deserves for being the sweetest angel.
I didn’t realize we had arrived at the location. Time passed by so much. Still nervous and fidgeting, Cheol opened the door for me, grabbed my hand as if he was assuring me once again that everything will be fine.
Talking to his family made me feel like I was part of the family. They took so much time to get to know me, yet they were careful with their words, not going over the limit. They welcomed me so warmly that I didn’t feel like I was talking to people I have just met. The Choi family is nothing but the embodiment of saints and angels. All of them are nice and made sure I was comfortable. Ngayon alam ko na kung kanino nagmana at kung saan nagmula ang kagandahang ugali ni Cheol.
It was night time already, Cheol asked me to go outside to stroll and watch the night sky. Syempre I agreed.
The stars look pretty. Thank you for inviting me.” I told him, as I looked over him I saw how distant his eyes were. I called his attention and asked him why he was zoning out.
“Do you find this nice? You know this relationship that we have? I was taken back by his random question, but I was already expecting it. It was bound to be asked.
“Of course! Everything I do with you, I have enjoyed it.” I genuinely answered. And I saw how he was biting back a smile, even saw a tinge of pink on his cheeks.
“Yun nga, which brings me to the question na, can we make it official? Can you be my boyfriend?” Those words he uttered made me feel anxious, ito na yun eh, yung kinakatakutan ko. Handa ba ako?
I have so many thoughts running in my head. The worries and fears I have been fighting with for the past few years. Alam ko naman na pag naging kami ni Cheol, I’ll receive more hate, more discriminatory words thrown at me. Hindi ko alam kung kakayanin ko ba yun. Paano na yung pamilya ko, how will they take it? Will they finally kick me out of our house? What will my relatives say pag nalaman nila na bakla ako? What will society say when they have finally seen what I have been keeping for years.
“Hey, you look so worried. What’s wrong? It's okay to reject me. I’ll wait for you until you're ready.” I shook my head, no he’s getting the wrong idea. I should tell him na.
“It’s not you, okay? I like you so much! Believe me when I say that. Natatakot lang ako. Ikaw hindi ka ba natatakot? Ano nalang sasabihin ng iba, yung words na gagamitin nila, yung mga itatawag nila satin, sayo, sakin! I came out to my family but I still feel like hindi nila ako tanggap. I’m still in this closet sa buong mundo. Takot na takot ako. They’ll discriminate and think of me so lowly. I don't want you to experience that. I’m not ready to face that.” I explained panicky. I didn't even notice the tears running down my face if Cheol hadn’t wiped it.
“What makes you think I’m not scared? I am, you know? For years, ever since I started to realize I like boys. Pero alam mo? Having the world accept you doesn’t even matter when you, yourself can’t accept who you like. Hindi mauubusan ang mundo na mga taong mapanghusga. That’s why we, the oppressed, need to fight back. We have the rights, you know. Takot din ako, everyday I notice those eyes,the whispers and the chismis about me. But one day I woke up and told myself ‘I shouldn’t be pleasing them, I should learn how to shrug them off. Mas maraming tao yung nagmamahal at tanggap ako. I can be myself with them, with you.’
“It’s hard I know, I have been there. But you have me, I’ll remind you and guide you everyday. Accepting yourself is a process. You can take baby steps, you don’t need to rush it. I'll be here throughout your journey, okay? Whilst still holding and wiping the tears on my face, he brought my forehead to his lips. He pulled me in then for a hug. A hug that meant assurance and comfort. He pulled away and asked, "But would you rather be locked up forever and wait for them to accept you, knowing that it will take a while or would you rather oppose to the idea of changing and suppressing who you are just because this stupid society tell you? staring at me intensely.
He's right. I shouldn't be an applicant of what the society wants me to be. I should be proud of what I am. I don't need to hide, people will be there hating and judging you for literally breathing but that's only because they haven't opened their minds yet. I should be free as a bird, free to express myself.
"Okay, you are right. Then it's a yes, Cheol. I'll be honored to have you as someone whom I will treasure and love. I want to be your boyfriend."
Cheol was so speechless he just went and hugged me tightly. He held my hand so tightly, and I saw tears forming at his eyes. I pulled my hand away, wiped his tears and kissed his forehead. Just like what he always does to calm me down and bring comfort. If before I was too scared, now that I have finally found someone who can uplift and make me believe that everything will be alright, then I have nothing to worry about. As long as we have each other , side by side, anything that goes wrong can be conquered by the two of us. A team is what we have become from this moment.
"Mom and Dad? This is my boyfriend, Seungcheol"
"Ma, pa! Joshua Hong is finally my boyfriend."