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James wasn’t certain what to do. Or say. Or if saying anything at all was wise. After over a year of marriage, he had thought that there wasn’t anything Clint could do that surprised him. Falling in dumpsters, tripping over his own feet, calling out mid jump for Hulk to catch him during battles … all of that was just par for the course. Even finding random arrows on the floor, walls, ceiling or even doors. He was even used to waking up and stumbling down the stairs to find Natalia sleeping on their couch.
This though. James was at a total loss.
He tipped his head and studied the almost terrified looking blond that he adored. Clint was currently hiding under the purple comforter and refusing to move. His aids were still on the side table next to the … what the actual fuck … full cup of coffee.
“Baby, are you ill?”
Clint’s eyes narrowed, peeking out and clearly reading his lips. “No. The day, Jamie. Tell me when it’s over.”
“Coffee?”
Clint just sighed. “Travel cup. With straw.”
James shook his head and retreated back downstairs. He had his phone in hand the minute he had it off the charger. He waited impatiently for the call to be answered.
“Travel cup is in the cabinet you two don’t ever bother using.” Natalia sounded resigned and yet tired. “I forgot to warn you, James. I’m sorry.”
“What the fuck?”
She managed a tired laugh. “Friday the 13th, James. He’s a circus kid. The fortune teller lady cursed him, or so Clint claims.”
He still didn’t know what to say to that, but retrieved the travel cup and washed it quickly. Clint without coffee wasn’t something anyone, even him who adored the man, should ever have to deal with. “I - what?”
Natalia snickered. “He claims it’s why he’s so clumsy. I mean everyday, just much more today. Damn it, I just got home and am in need of sleep. Just … Cups with lids or straws. Preferably both. No shoes with laces. Keep food away from him while it’s piping hot … what else? Shit. Fuck. No stairs! I’m asleep on my feet. Whatever you fucking do, don’t let him out of the apartment until a minute after midnight.”
James poured coffee into the now clean travel mug, shaking his head. “You can’t be serious.”
“Oh, I am. Last time there was a Friday the 13th that I wasn't here for, Tony didn’t believe me. A fractured radius, ulna, and three metacarpals later … well, Tony learned. I need sleep. I’d say sit on him, but who fucking knows how that would be all fucked up. Oh. Ugh. No sex. Just don’t. If you do, do not call me when it inevitably goes wrong. Do. Not. I’ll hit you with something worse than a pillow or wooden spoon!”
He nearly dropped the phone, finally registering that she’d hung up on him. He wasn’t sure if she was serious or if this was some sort of weird Clint vs. Natalia thing that he’d just not been informed of yet.
So James did what any sane person would. He called Sam.
“It’s not a joke.”
James nearly fumbled the travel cup. “Shit. How did you even know what I was calling about?”
“Look. Usually, I’d have suggested coming up to HQ yesterday, but we all have been so damn busy that we all forgot. Did you get a hold of Natasha?”
Still processing that this was apparently not a joke or game or prank, James sighed. “She listed off a bunch of stuff and then hung up on me.”
“Good! I’ll bring over food later. Just watch him. Oh, text Aimee. She can keep Lucky until tomorrow. We really don’t want Clint getting any ideas about walking the dog and ending up with stitches.”
James ended the call with a wary, “Thanks. Will do.” He turned his attention to his adorable husband, who was still peeking out from under the comforter. He sat on the edge of the bed making sure Clint could see him clearly. “Here, baby.”
Clint shifted, slowly and carefully, taking the cup only after he made a little nest for it with the spare blanket.
While his guy was busy, James grabbed his aids and held them out. Clint, wide eyed, shook his head, signing: No! Might get electrocuted.
James set them back on their charging pad and sighed. Then tried a smile, signing: Want me to carry you down so we can watch tv all day?
Yes, but no. Stairs bad!
I have excellent balance.
Clint pouted. So do I, usually. I mean, work related usually. Still broke my foot two - Clint winced - of these days ago during a fight with Doom and his stupid bots. Sorry. Didn’t warn you.
James thought back. He then checked his phone. Huh. Natalia had brought Clint to Dubrovnik less than a week after the previous Friday the 13th. What happened on the last one?
Managed to fall into a dumpster. Broke my coffee pot. And all but one mug. Ripped four shirts.
That wasn’t terribly unusual. He probably shouldn’t ask. But he did. Into, like fall over and hit the side or into as in actually inside?
Blushing adorably, Clint shrugged. Both. Was still bruised from it when I got to Croatia.
Nope. He was not going to ask. Was not. James couldn’t decide if this was actually some sort of cosmic curse (which couldn’t be discounted after all the Avengers had dealt with) or just some sort of self fulfilling prophecy.
I love you. Sam is bringing food by later. Can I cuddle with you all day?
Clint seemed to seriously consider the question and had Natalia’s warnings not been still fresh in his mind, James might have been offended. Be careful. Don't want to hurt you. I love you.
Let me get Aimee up to take Lucky and we can cuddle. James just smiled. You won’t hurt me. If I do get hurt, well I heal super fast.
Clint snickered. James grinned and got to his feet. He then promptly tripped over a pile of clothes he swore hadn’t been there before. Landing hard on his ass, James looked over to see Clint wide-eyed. See, Clint insisted, Bad day! Bad!!
Yeah. I’m texting Aimee from here.
Clint nodded. Should have remembered the date. Sorry, Jamie.
James waved off the apology, sending a quick text to Aimee. He was too busy setting an alert on his phone to move yet. Then, he decided one wasn’t enough. By the time Aimee retrieved Lucky, there were four alarms and or alerts on James’ phone: one month warning, two week warning, one week warning, and two day warning.
Clint, who had moved to the very center of the bed, yelped when James stood and sat on the bed, only for it to collapse. James just sighed and laid back. He was not attempting to fix the bed today. It wasn't worth it.
--**--
Natalia showed up with dinner, shaking her head and cautiously making her way up to hand over the food. “Sam warned me about the bed. Was it the only casualty?”
James glared at her. “You could have warned me!”
She smirked. “Where would the fun have been in that?” Then she snapped a picture of them sitting on the collapsed bed. “Remember what I said. Worse than pillows or wooden spoons!”
He winced. He would not be explaining. Nope. She already had picture bribery, he wasn’t adding fuel to that fire.