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"You look like shit."
Renjun says it as soon as he sees his friend on the hospital bed, hair disheveled and face pale. There's a small patch on his lower right arm and a tag wrapped around his wrist. Renjun's heart aches seeing his state but he chooses to hide it; instead he insults him. Just their usual banter for twelve years.
Donghyuck grins at him, mirth noticeably lost in his eyes. "Thanks for the compliment. You look nice as ever too."
The older man raises his eyebrow and smiles. "Why thank you. We all know I carry the face in this friendship." He raises his left arm which holds a plastic bag and shakes it in front of his friend's face. "I brought food since I don't want you to suffer with a shitty hospital meal."
"Now, this is why I love you Renjun." Donghyuck grabs the package and digs out the box of Chicken wings. "Soy garlic?" He beams.
"Of course."
"You're the best!"
Renjun takes the monobloc chair and sits next to Donghyuck who is already devouring the food on his lap. He clicks his tongue and sighs. "Be careful not to make a mess. Also, use this," he says and pulls out the bed table on his side. "You're such a mess, Hyuck. Never changed."
The patient wipes his mouth with a tissue napkin and glances on his left. "I'm really lucky to have you. The bestest friend ever who gave me chicken on my deathbed, my last supper like Jesus had."
"Watch your words!" Renjun cannot help the rise in his voice. These types of things are sensitive topics and Donghyuck cannot be taking this situation lightly, especially when he's about to undergo a major surgery in a few hours.
Donghyuck purses his lips tight and shrugs. "I'm just kidding. The doctor said the surgery will be a breeze so I'm not really scared." Smirking, he turns half of his body on his friend and asks: "I think you're the scared one here. Don't be, I'm strong okay?"
"What time is your surgery tomorrow?"
He squints his eyes, trying to remember the words of his doctor. "In 18 hours, I guess? That's what they told me. What time is it now?"
Fishing for his phone, Renjun opens his calendar, calculates the hour, and books a reminder. "6 o'clock. Your surgery is at 12 noon, before then take care of yourself, okay?"
"Yes, babe. Ouch! Don't hurt me, I'm a patient remember?" Donghyuck caresses the faint ache on his arm where his friend pinched him.
Renjun rolls his eyes; his best friend is still as playful and as energetic as ever. "Well you don't look like it."
"What? Should I look like a frail old man? Should I cough, huh?" The younger settles himself on the bed, laying still and acting the part, coughing and murmuring nonsense words, which make Renjun chuckle and slap his face in disbelief. Donghyuck is really something else.
Renjun met Donghyuck back in 4th grade when he was a newly transferred Chinese kid and the latter was the teacher's number one enemy. Their meeting wasn't something out of the movies; if Renjun accidentally kicking the soccer ball into Donghyuck's face, sending the poor kid down on the grass, and their classmates circling him as they laughed, was something poetic then Renjun might consider it cinematic.
Since then, Donghyuck clung to him like a newborn to his mother, claiming that he bruised his lovely face and ego in public thus he must pay the price — be Donghyuck's friend. Renjun learned that the younger had friends, sure, but he didn't like them as much as he liked the Chinese boy, making the latter blush profusely at the comment.
Donghyuck has always been a bright ball of energy while Renjun has been nothing extraordinary.
"So I told the nurse to just come back in 15 minutes because there's no way I'm peeing in front of him. My little one is shy around strangers, you know how it is."
Renjun swats Donghyuck's arm, looking scandalized at the story. "Gross," he remarks.
"You're so violent. Why do you keep slapping this specific arm?" Donghyuck complains, moaning and cradling said arm.
Renjun cannot recollect a time where they did not fight. Donghyuck always has something to say and Renjun always has a way to retaliate. It is how they bond, out of spite of one another, like yin and yang, except they aren't in peace but the complete opposite.
Their other friends are surprised at their friendship, even asking if they even fought for real and if they even get pushed to madness with all the bickering. But their answer will always be no. This is just how they work.
"Oh by the way," Donghyuck starts, lying back down on the thin mattress. "The movie I was telling you about is gonna hit theatres next week. Let's go and watch it."
Renjun hums as he recalls any particular movie his best friend has mentioned before. "Ah the romance one?" He scoffs and shakes his head after hearing Donghyuck's confirmation. "You're such a sap. I really don't understand why you keep watching romantic movies. What do you gain from the false hope of finding your soulmate? Do you want to have the assurance of knowing who dies when suddenly your vision turns sour?"
Out of the two, Donghyuck is the hopeless romantic. Renjun remembers all the times he listened to his friend's rants, wishful thinking, and ideas; the latter has been hopeful in finding The One the universe tied him with. He even drags Renjun along in watching newly released movies and series about love — much to Renjun's disgust.
Not that Renjun doesn't want to have someone special beside him, he just doesn't see the point of pining over an imaginary person. The universe has bestowed them the ability to know their soulmates only when such a person dies — which is very unfortunate if he is to be honest. Therefore, he does not mind not knowing who his soulmate is; he doesn't want to bear the pain and memory of their passing from his change in vision.
"Stop judging my preferences, Jun. Not everybody thinks that love is a lost cause like you do."
"I'm not like that!" Renjun talks back defensively.
"Well then, tell that to your past relationships,” Donghyuck mumbles. “Who knows, maybe you’re just pining over someone and not telling them because you’re scared they might be your soulmate.”
If Donghyuck hits bullseye on such an accusation, Renjun doesn’t show it. He is already busy with his full time job, making ends meet with his measly salary and ensuring that his mother can afford her maintenance medicines. On top of that, he has to take care of Donghyuck, of course, not that the younger one notices it and would like to know what Renjun has been doing, but ever since becoming friends with him, Renjun promised to be at his side forever.
Renjun learned that Donghyuck was sick in 10th grade. They were enjoying a little chase down the block, the younger grabbing Renjun’s favorite sour gummies and the latter running to catch him, when there was a loud thud. Sixteen year-old Renjun saw Donghyuck’s light frame fall down and he was about to make fun of him but when he caught up, he saw the younger clutching his chest and taking uneven breaths.
He took him to the emergency in fear that it might be something fatal, much to Donghyuck’s chagrin. Renjun didn’t want to risk it.
That day they found out that there’s something wrong with Donghyuck’s heart. "It might have been since childhood," the doctor said after giving up when she asked where the younger’s parents were. They weren’t around, as always, Renjun knew that but opted to shut his mouth.
That was the first time he was scared of losing Donghyuck.
“Oh god, remember that one time you ditched your prom date? I don’t know what got into your mind that night, Yukhei was a good catch.”
Renjun blinks. “He is but I don’t know, we just didn’t match.”
“Sure,” Donghyuck winks at him. “Also after the prom or was it even halfway through? We went to our favorite arcade wearing suits and ties like some James Bond movie! That was so fun.”
Renjun smiles at the fond memory. Donghyuck had convinced him to drop the prom all together and to do something more exciting instead. Hence, they found themselves betting their lives on the Just Dance at the nearby arcade.
The soft sliding of the door disrupts them from their little recollection. The nurse steps inside and checks up on the patients inside the common ward. She glances at Renjun and smiles. “Excuse me but visitation hours are about to end in five minutes," she says then slides the door close.
“Well,” Renjun stands up and dusts his lap. “I guess that’s my cue to leave.”
Donghyuck pouts but nods along. Renjun snickers and helps him tuck himself under the thin comforter. “Don’t miss me too much. I’m here as soon as you wake up after your surgery.”
“Can you come before?”
Renjun sighs, as much as he wants to he really can’t. “My boss has booked a project so I have to be there at least the whole morning.”
“Oh, okay. I’ll text you updates.” Donghyuck snuggles on the soft pillow.
“You should.”
Renjun walks towards the doors.
“Oh and Renjun?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
~
The sunlight is bright and warm, surprisingly not that hot for noontime, perhaps due to the soft breeze of the wind. Its rays bring light and color to the surroundings — the tall buildings gray, trees green, sky blue, and people with all sorts of colors.
Renjun skids along the busy streets. His boss gave him an early off and he immediately went to visit his friend. Donghyuck sent him a message before the surgery, admitting that he’s kinda scared but only 5%! It’s normal to be scared, right? and Renjun replied with something to cheer him on.
To: hyuckie
You can do it!
You're the strongest person I’ve ever met, okay?
It’ll be done before you know it.
From: hyuckie
aw that’s greasy.
but really, i’m so thankful i have you in my life Renjun.
i love you forever x9999
Renjun was about to quip something along the lines of “who’s greasy now?” when his phone beeped once again.
From: hyuckie
aahhh the nurse is here! (ʘ言ʘ╬)
she’s stealing my phone
brb they’re gonna open my chest real quick xoxo
An hour after their message exchange, Renjun finds himself walking towards the hospital. He opted not to ride a cab because for some reason, he wants to take in the sight of the metro by foot. His office is slightly far, about 15 minutes by car, but he doesn’t mind the extra time. Donghyuck told him the surgery might last for six hours, so he has all the time to wait before he can bother his best friend.
Along the way, he spots the old mart they frequented when they were still kids. Every after class, Donghyuck tugged Renjun and they bought lots of candies and toys inside, which they consumed as they settled at their favorite spot in the town park.
Something tells him to go inside and so he does.
It seems like the mart did not change even one bit though it absolutely looks like it has aged over time. There are still rows and rows of assorted chocolates, candies, and chips on the left side, while on the other side is the section full of toys. Renjun feels like he travelled through time again, back when he asked his mother to give him extra money in order to afford their daily trips to the mart.
He goes towards the food section and scans the selection available. He spots the candies wrapped in foil, akin to medicine tablets, and grins; back then he and Donghyuck loved role playing and acting like this candy was their medicine. He grabs a pack of those and heads further.
After quite a while, his basket is filled with various candies and chocolates that they used to devour. Such delicacies were long forgotten as soon as they hit university; they got busier and their taste changed. Renjun is sure that Donghyuck will love this gift. He actually considered buying a fruits basket and a bouquet of flowers since those are the common gifts for patients, but he knows that it’s not their thing.
“The total is 23,000 won," the cashier says as she packs the tons of stuff he bought. Renjun realizes that the girl on the counter is young, not the old lady who loved to give them free stuff. Maybe she works part time or she is the lady’s granddaughter. Renjun is about to ask when something shifts.
He blinks.
The world is in black and white.
Holding his head, his other arm is gripping his card tightly. What’s happening? There is a faint ache on the back of his eyes.
“Are you okay?” The girl asks.
Renjun heaves a deep breath. “I’m...f-fine,” comes his reply in a pant.
Is this it?
A flash of memory hits him like a huge truck. Snatching the card from the girl and grabbing the plastic full of candies, he bolts outside the mart.
Renjun runs.
And runs.
And runs.
He doesn’t know why he’s running. A part of him knows but he does not want to acknowledge it. The chance that it might be real is already causing Renjun to spiral.
No.
It can’t be.
Right?
He sees the silhouette of the tall intimidating building become bigger and bigger as he dashes towards its direction. He has pushed so many people by now but he doesn’t have the time to stop and say sorry. This is an emergency. There’s something Renjun needs to know.
He needs to confirm.
He doesn’t want to know the truth actually. He’s very, very scared. But everything is black and white, it will literally kill him if he doesn’t confirm this.
He wants to make sure it’s not what he thinks it is.
It’s not…
The sprint towards the reception desk is probably a kilometer long. Renjun pants so hard, feels like his lungs are about to burst, his muscles are pulsing, aching from overuse. He’s never been a fit person so such a stretch is a shock to his system.
Once he gets his breathing back to normal, he leans on the reception desk and locks eyes with a smiling receptionist.
“Excuse me, would you know where exactly is the operating room located? My friend is in there right now getting a heart surgery.”
“Oh wait a second,” she replies and types something on the computer. Renjun wants her to say it right away so he can zoom towards it already. He’s anxious. “The cardiology department operating room is in the east wing. It’s on the second floor towards the end, you’ll see two big doors. You may wait at the waiting room just beside it.”
He does not have the time to thank the receptionist because he runs towards the emergency exit, skipping upstairs because the lifts will not help his increasing anxiety.
As soon as he reaches the second floor, he turns to his right and immediately spots the operating room. He beelines straight to the door but he knows better than to open it himself. Not that it will open anyway; he sees the ID scanner on his right with a sign that says “Authorized Personnel Only. Do Not Enter.” in black bold letters — it should be red though, Renjun thinks but he’s reminded that he cannot see colors anymore.
Renjun tries to catch his breath and settles on the bench beside. His sweat is leaking profusely from his pores and his chest is pumping wildly. Wiping his forehead, he takes out his phone and finds no messages.
He scoffs. Why did he expect a message? Donghyuck isn't done for sure.
Just then, just as he has calmed down his breathing, the door opens and a doctor walks out from the room, taking off his face mask and looking around.
Renjun stands up and bites his lips. The doctor notices him and asks, “Are you Huang Renjun, Lee Donghyuck’s next of kin?”
Donghyuck, that nasty piece of shit. He wasn’t informed he’s the next of kin.
“Yes, that’s me,” he replies, his hands fidgeting, and spares the doctor a glance, noticing the frown on his forehead.
The doctor nods. “I’m Doctor Suh,” he introduces briefly before sighing. “I’m sorry to inform you this but our patient expired while we were in the process of placing the graft on the narrowed area of his heart. His blood pressure spiked and we weren’t able to regulate it. We tried to resuscitate him for fifteen minutes but he was already unresponsive. I’m very very sorry.”
Huh?
“What do you mean?” Renjun asks, his breathing heavy. “It can’t be, right? Please say it’s a joke!”
Doctor Suh shakes his head. “I wish I could but I’m afraid not. Again, I’m very sorry.”
The loud thud of his body falling on the floor should be painful but nothing can compare to the piercing, gushing pain of his heart. Renjun’s hands are on his temple then in his hair, pulling it harshly. No, the pain is still not the same.
“HA!” Renjun gasps, hot tears spilling from his eyes. “No no no no Hyuckie no, don’t leave me please…”
“You promised we’ll watch the movie next week. Why, why did you break it?”
~
The light across the hallway is enough to illuminate the entire floor. It’s all white, to Renjun, just like how the usual hospitals are — void of color.
But this time it’s different.
This is why Renjun hates those sappy soulmate movies.