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Dean bolted upright, panting, sweating, and his heart racing. For once though, not from a nightmare. Well... that's not entirely true. It had started as a nightmare. One he'd been having since losing the black eyes. Blood and bodies spread all around him, blood dripping from his hands, his right hand firmly clenched around the First Blade, as if his life depended on it. Then him turning around and plunging it right into Sam's stomach, and then smiling darkly at him, and then stabbing him right in the heart.
This time the dream was different, instead of turning to face Sam, it's Castiel in his place. This gives dream Dean pause... Cas is dead... Dead had killed him... his body was one of the bodies littering the floor of the room he's in... a casualty of Dean's. The pause is enough for Cas to engulf him, “No Dean. Stop it” Dream Cas commands. Dean struggles in Cas' arms... but even as a demon he is no match for Castiel, all angeled up. Dean drops the blade, but still struggles fruitlessly against the prison of Cas's arms. Finally, subdued enough Cas places a hand on the mark of Cain, marring Dean's arm and mind. Cas lets his grace seep out and into the mark. Dean howls in pain and renews his effort of escaping Cas. It only lasts a minute, and then suddenly... Dean feels as if the fog had been lifted from his brain... like waking up from a really long coma.
“Cas...” Dean mutters brokenly... either as a question, or a prayer... or for forgiveness. Instead of fighting to get away from Cas, he surges forward, as if trying to climb inside the trench coat, to get as close to Cas as possible. Dean clings onto Cas, afraid that now that he got rid of the mark, his job done, he'd leave Dean.
“It's ok Dean... I've got you, you're ok now.” Cas says in a low murmur. Dean is so far from ok... but Cas does have him... has him in a tight embrace. Suddenly Dean starts crying, ugly, heaving sobs wrack his body. When he stops, embarrassed, he tries to move away. Cas doesn't loosen his grip. “Don't ask me to let you go... not after I've waited so long.” Then Cas kisses him. And Dean doesn't resist... reciprocates actually... the easiest thing he's ever done.
Nightmares he's used to, but this... what the hell was that? Reflexively he checks his arm... the mark is still there. He knew it would be, even without looking... he can feel the effects... the darkness just clinging in the back of his consciousness. He feels the urge to cry... the burning in his eyes. He presses the heels of his hands against his stinging eyes. He doesn't allow himself to cry... to process everything that's happened. Mostly because Sam walking on egg shells around him drives him crazy... sets his nerves on edge... he's the big brother... he should be taking care of Sam. He needs to be the strong one... He takes care of Sam, not the other way around, it's just not right.
Also because there is a small part of him, that he never really acknowledges, that is afraid that if he starts crying... he'll never stop... that he isn't strong enough to deal with everything swirling inside of him.
What he really wants, is someone to take care of him. He knows it's something that he doesn't deserve, or something he'll ever get... but just once... he wants someone to be strong for him. He sighs, thinking of the dream... and how good it felt to just be held while he fell apart. “...Cas...” he whispers the name... not even meaning to say it aloud.
“Hello Dean. You called.” Cas is suddenly there... of course he is.
“Hey... Cas... sorry man... I didn't mean to call you here... I know you're busy with... whatever...You can go back, everything is fine... sorry man.” Dean says quietly. Cas gives him a disbelieving look.
“Are you certain you are alright... your voice and and speech pattern are different.” Dean isn't even surprised at that.
“Nah man, I'm fine... you know me... just a weird dream... nothing a one on one with Johnny Walker can't help.” Dean gives a forced laugh. Cas doesn't mean to do it... but he hasn't quite gotten the hang of controlling the new grace he has... he accidentally catches images of Dean's dream. His face must betray his surprise at what the content of the dream. Dean snorts. “lovely... you're back to the mind melding...”
“I apologize Dean, I haven't been able to control this grace as easily as my old grace...I didn't mean to eavesdrop on your thoughts.”
“Yeah well... just a dream... like I said... nothing Johnny Walker can't handle.” Dean dismisses him, and goes to walk out of his bedroom, presumably to get the liquor.
“If that is something... I mean... I would be amendable to that, the situation of your dream... if it would help you feel better.” Cas is hesitant to say... knowing Dean is... skittish about anything “touchy feely.”
Dean scoffs... “nah man... again... just a dream...” The dejected tone causes something in Cas to ache. He blocks the door and is face to face with Dean. “I'm going to hug you.” is all the warning Dean gets before being engulfed by Cas.
Dean struggles at first... reminiscent of the dream... slowly though, Dean gradually relaxes. Cas just holds on... muttering almost under his breath “shh... you're ok Dean... its ok... I'm here... its ok... you're ok... you're safe... its ok Dean... you're ok...” Dean tentatively wraps his arms around Cas, like if he moves to fast, Cas will change his mind and leave. Again... paralleling his dream... his walls just sort of crumble in Cas's embrace and he just starts crying... hard and fast, he almost hyperventilates twice. After about an hour, he's done... save a shuddering breath every now and then. His legs hurt, and he's exhausted and wants to lay down, but he's afraid that if he moves, Cas will leave.
As if Cas can read his mind... and maybe he had, he asks Dean if he wants to go back to bed. Dean just nods... and walks to the bed.
“I'll stay here and watch over you.” Cas stats plainly. Shame washes over Dean.
“No... you can go... I've wasted enough of your time... I know you're busy... you got more important things to do, then to sit here and babysit me all night. I'm sorry... Thanks Cas... but I'll be fine.
Cas gives a small smile. “You should know by now, that you Dean Winchester, are far more important to me then anything else. Heaven, Hell, The other angels... nothing could ever be more important to me, then being here with you, especially when you need me.” Cas states all of this matter of fact, like the most obvious thing in the world.
Dean uncomfortable with the chick flick moment deflects... “wow Cas... if I had known you loved me so much we coulda got married years ago.”
Cas cocks his head to the side. “I didn't realize my love for you was unknown. I thought my affection and regard for you were quite easily inferred. I do indeed love you... if you were unclear. I never thought it needed to be said. Just as I know you love me... even with you being unable to to articulate it.”
Dean isn't sure whether he should be embarrassed or relieved that Cas apparently knew all along. He decides on relieved... he doesn't have to have an awkward conversation... small blessings man.
Instead of saying anything further... he lifts the sheet on his bed. A silent invitation for Cas to join him.
And with Cas protectively curled around him, he falls back to sleep. For the first time in months... maybe years he sleeps completely dreamless, and for more than four hours undisturbed. And when he wakes, its the first time since getting the mark, that he doesn't feel that darkness floating around in his pysche.