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I choose to love you in silence, for in silence I find no rejection.
You don’t remember when you realized you were in love with Mel. It’s not one of those things you’re able to look back on and remember the progression of events. In your memories there seems to only be two categories: Life Before Mel and Life After Mel. You carry her in your thoughts every waking moment and at night she follows you into your dreams. And although you love her very much, your love never seemed to make the slightest of difference to Mel. Even though you feel used, like a second choice, someone to fill the time when the one she wants isn’t around, you never deny her. One day you watched a bee drown in honey, then you understood.
*****
I choose to love you in loneliness, for in loneliness no one owns you but me.
It seems that no matter how hard you try, you can’t push down the sadness threatening to engulf you and swallow you whole. Mel’s never been the monogamous type and you’ve always known that, but as you watch her chat up her latest conquest in the darkness of the overcrowded nightclub, you can’t help but to deflate.
You wish you were better at hiding your emotions, you feel exposed, as if everyone here knows your dirty little secret. Emma notices your change of demeanour almost immediately (you realized early on that she’s a lot more intuitive than she lets on) and takes your hand in hers, pulling you into her arms and squeezing you tightly, as if she could absorb all of the pain radiating throughout your body. Emma doesn’t speak, she simply grabs her drink on the table next to her and guides the straw between your lips. You gulp it down greedily, wanting to numb the sorrow you feel.
Once you’ve finished, Emma deposits the empty glass onto the table and pulls you onto the dance floor. You feel lightheaded from the drink but you lock hands with the younger girl anyway and begin to dance. You’re grateful for the distraction Emma’s provided and you momentarily forget the heaviness in your heart. Several drinks later, you and Emma find yourselves holding hands and drunkenly stumbling in the street in the direction of your house. Mel had departed the bar not too long before, with her latest conquest in tow. You forced yourself not to look at her as she told you and Emma goodbye. You feel sick thinking about how the stranger had wrapped himself around Mel as if she belonged to him, and even more dejected at the way Mel leaned into his touch.
You double over and empty the contents of your stomach onto the sidewalk as Emma rushes toward you, almost falling flat on her face. The younger girl brushes your hair away from your face and her big blue eyes shine with pity under the streetlights. When you’re finished dry heaving and standing upright, Emma steps toward you and wipes away your tears with the pads of her fingers.
“Oh Geri...” she sighs sadly.
*****
I choose to hold you in my dreams, for in my dreams you have no end.
Emma helps you into bed that night, asks if you want her to lie with you but you decline, wanting to be alone with your emotions. When she closes your bedroom door and the darkness of the room engulfs you, only then do you let the tears fall freely. You sob into Mel’s pillow until you feel weak from crying. You fall asleep and dream of her.
Mel comes to you in the early hours of the morning, quiet and wanting. Slips into bed beside you, melding herself into your body as if she’s always belonged there.Her nimble fingers slip under the material of your t-shirt and draw circles on the undersides of your breasts.
You sigh quietly arching into her touch. The room is still a bit dark but you can just make out her face. She slips her knee between your thighs and presses against you, eyes dripping with apology. She closes the distance between you and takes your bottom lip between her teeth. You whimper. You want to touch her, run your hand over her curves, push your fingers in her mouth, but you lay there quiet and yearning; letting her take the lead as she always has. A warm hand closes over your breast and you let out a low moan, surprising yourself at how needy you sound. Mel hums deep in her throat, her hand travelling down your body, dipping below the waistband of your underwear.
When her slim fingers pass through your damp curls your head begins to swim and all you’re able to focus on is how badly you want to feel her fingers inside of you. Her head falls forward and you feel the pressure of her teeth closing around your clothed nipple. You push your fingers through her hair, gripping her dark curls to keep her head in place. She moans against your chest sending vibrations through every nerve ending in your body, you begin to pant from the arousal you feel, wishing she’d just put you out of your misery.
“Please” you whine,rotating your hips against her hand.
“please what?” She says around your nipple, you can feel her grinning as her saliva soaks through your thin t-shirt.
“Fuck me” you whisper, voice thick with emotion.
Mel grunts in response, shimmies down the bed until she’s nestled comfortably between your thighs. She laps and nibbles on your sensitive flesh as if paying penance for a transgression, and you know this is the closest thing to an apology you’ll ever get from her. She licks you into sweet submission and you come hard, gasping as she talks you through your orgasm. “So fucking pretty” She murmurs against your heated flesh as her tongue ring nudges your clit.
She props herself up on her elbows between your thighs, grinning up at you with her mouth and chin covered in your essence. She climbs up your body and kisses you hard, and you moan at the taste of yourself on her lips. You’re wrapped in each other’s arms as the sun rises and Mel gently kisses your lips once more before mumbling “go to sleep, baby.” She draws you in closer (as if that’s possible) and closes her eyes.
You drift off not long after she does, dreaming of a world where she belongs only to you.
In my dreams, we have no end.