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Levi felt nothing but numb self hatred. Blood stained his clothes, some of it even smeared in his hair. Sweat was slicked over his body, making him shiver as it cooled on his skin. Mud and grime covered him from head to toe, but for the first time in his entire life, he had very little desire to actually clean himself.
The Captain ignored everyone he passed, words were beyond him anyway, caught in his throat and almost choking him as he struggled to breathe. He knew to others he looked almost unaffected, his head held up high and his stride unfaltering as he made his way through the Survey Corps headquarters, but on the inside he was a raging mess, his emotions threatening to boil over at any second. Nobody noticed how his gaze seemed just slightly less focused than normal. Nobody noticed that the look on his face was not his usual scowl, that the lines were deeper, angrier as he battled with his own heart. Nobody noticed how his shoulders were almost imperceptibly slouched, everyone too caught up in their own grief and affairs to worry about the person they all thought was made of stone, the person they all thought was emotionless, cold, and unfaltering in his strength. Nobody, but one.
(Y/N) (L/N) was walking beside her fellow Squad Leader, Hanji, pretending to listen to the bespeckled woman talk about their new plan of attack on the Female Titan, her entire attention focused solely on the raven-haired man walking towards her.
Levi bypassed the two of them without any sign that he had even seen them, his eyes slightly clouded, his mind obviously preoccupied with more important thoughts than what was going on around him.
(Y/N) glanced around her, her (e/c) eyes scanning the faces of the soldiers walking around nearby, searching their expressions to see if any of them were paying attention to the emotional state of their Captain, to see if they could even tell that something was clearly wrong with him. A quick survey of the room told her that she was the only one who had noticed.
It didn’t surprise her much. It saddened her a bit, but she wasn’t surprised. Levi was excellent at hiding what he was thinking, shuttering the emotion in his expressions, and standing up tall despite the obvious weight on his shoulders, the emotional burden he carried. But (Y/N) had known him since her time in the Underground. The pair had met when they were both very young, fending for themselves after Kenny had abandoned Levi, (Y/N) hiding him in her ramshackle hovel of a home when he was running from the merchants he had thieved from. They had quickly come to realize how effective they were as a team, surviving together until they met Farlan and eventually Isabel. They had been busted together, brought up to the surface together, fought in the expedition together that had resulted in the deaths of their two closest friends, the pair refusing to be separated by anything, no matter what. Now they were both high ranking officers in the military, having gone through the worst of the worst together. She knew Levi was very talented when it came to acting like he wasn’t affected by anything. She knew he was the best at suppressing his emotions, no matter how strong they were. But he could hide nothing from her.
(Y/N) didn’t say a word as she gently placed her hand on Hanji’s shoulder, her way of wordlessly excusing herself, before turning on her heel and following where she had seen Levi disappear around the corner.
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Levi’s mind was on autopilot as he stepped into his private bathroom, reaching into the shower to turn the water to scalding without really thinking. Slowly, he peeled off his uniform, wincing slightly as the dried blood pricked his skin as it was ripped off of him, and threw it in the corner, his mind so hazy he didn’t care about the mess.
When he was bare, he stepped under the spray, wincing as the water seared his back; he held in his scream of rage, his sob of despair, merely hanging his head and standing under the shower head, the water sluicing off his body and the steam fogging up the entire bathroom.
It was his fault. All. His. Fault. He was their Captain, had been, at least. They had depended on him and he had failed them, watched them as each of his squad was crushed underneath the Female Titan’s rage, their faces contorted in fear. The image of their lifeless eyes, their broken bodies, their flesh stained with blood as they laid in puddles of their own intestines, or hung from tree branches, half of their bodies hanging on an entirely different branch from the other half. Eld, Gunther, Oulo, Petra… they were all gone and he was to blame. A small whine escaped his lips despite his efforts to suppress it, his body beginning to shake despite the scalding temperature of the water. All his fault. He was useless. Fucking useless .
Everyone he cared about he was destined to lose. He could see that now as memories of his friends and family flashed in his head. His sweet, abused mother, cooing to him gently, before the memory shifted to the moment of her death, when he was wearing one of her blouses and begging her to wake up, fat tears rolling down his small cheeks. His best friends, laughing and teasing him, loving him despite his surly attitude, before the memory shifted to Isabel’s decapitated head lying lifelessly on the ground as he stared at it, horrified. And now his squad, the bright memories of them following him dutifully, training by his side, following his every order as they trusted him to make the right decisions. Their laughter filled his head, their bright smiles and loud cheering whenever they were together, paying no mind to his grumbling, knowing he wasn’t truly annoyed when they were having fun, just so long as they didn’t get too out of hand. The memories shifted again, their laughter rising from shrill squeals into panicked screams, the sound getting louder and louder in his head until his legs could no longer support him.
Levi slowly fell to his knees, his head hanging low as a few stray tears dripped down his cheeks, their pleas echoing in his ears and the sound of their bodies getting crushed thundering in his heart.
“LEVI!”
“Captain! Please!”
“Save us, Levi! Please, gods please no!!!”
“I don’t want to die! I don’t want to die!”
“This is all your fault! We trusted you!”
“Why did you have to lead us to our deaths, Levi? I wasn’t ready to leave yet…”
Levi choked on a sob as his body shook harder, his shoulders shaking. His hair fell down to cover his face but he didn’t move to brush it away, his hands curled into fists where they rested on his thighs. He was such a fucking disgrace, so fucking disgusting, why did he even try? It was clear he was destined to be alone forever, not only that but it was clear that everyone he was around was lost, so why even fucking bother?
A watery image suddenly fluttered across his mind, giving him pause. It was the image of a woman with a beaming smile, the corners of her lips curving upwards wickedly as she looked at him, her eyes sparkling with mischievous intent. Her face was bright and full, her eyes sharp yet loving as she watched his back. His best friend. (Y/N).
She had been with him pretty much since the beginning. When he had met her he had immediately been drawn to her, the small girl hiding him from the authorities without hesitation when he had passed by her filthy hovel, desperately searching for an escape route. After she had saved him, he had originally been wary of her, just as he had been with everyone in the Underground, automatically expecting her to want something from him in return for saving his ass. But to his surprise, she had merely wanted to help him, no malicious intent in her gaze.
He had also been surprised by her strength. She was his age, and at the time, she had also been alone, having lost both of her parents at a young age too, her mother abandoning her after her father died. After learning this, Levi had expected her to be sensitive and weak, maybe even wracked with illness like most of the children in the Underground, but she had quickly dispelled that notion, always on par with him, and able to go toe to toe with him in battle, keeping his mind sharp and his reflexes on point. She was smart and surprisingly funny, the only person who could genuinely get a laugh out of him, a luxury he knew she treasured and never abused despite her teasing nature. She was a sly little fox that was for sure, but gods did he love her. She had never failed him, always knowing exactly how to treat him.
He hadn’t lost her. Not yet. He couldn’t lose her, could never lose her. He wanted to fight for her, to keep going for her, but the hatred he felt for himself, the overwhelming sense of hopelessness that flooded him, doused his thoughts of fighting back, making him feel nothing more than a throbbing exhaustion, his eyes fluttering closed as he surrendered to his negative thoughts, his body shaking even worse than before.
Then he felt it. The softest touch of light fingers on his chin. Opening his eyes slowly, his head was lifted, his gaze locking on the (e/c) eyes that were never too far from his thoughts and haunted his heated dreams.
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(Y/N) had followed Levi to his room but had given him enough distance so he wouldn’t know she was there. She knew under normal circumstances that he would’ve noticed her immediately, his sharp senses never missing anything, but with him in this particular emotional and mental state, lost deep in the labyrinth of his despair and his grief, she knew she could remain undetected.
She desperately wanted to comfort her best friend, but knew that even like this, he would be irritated if he discovered she was trying to help, too worried about keeping up appearances to want to accept her help, even despite their past together. So (Y/N) hung back, waiting for the right moment to confront him.
She had waited until she knew he was in the shower before entering his bedroom from where she had been waiting in his office, sitting on the edge of his bed while she waited for him to get out. She felt so gross. Years of living with Levi had made her just as much of a clean freak. Maybe a bit more relaxed than him, not so much of a martyr about it, but she still hated the feeling of the grime on her skin from the expedition to the point where she felt like clawing her own skin off. But she waited. She knew that comforting him would have to come first. He needed her whether he admitted it to himself or not, and she was not going to waste time on herself if it meant she could miss an opportunity to be there for him when he really needed her.
Ten minutes passed. Then twenty. Then thirty. Then forty.
When an hour had passed, (Y/N) stood and knocked on his bathroom door, worry gnawing at her gut. When she received no response, (Y/N) took a deep breath and gently pushed open the bathroom door.
The entire bathroom was fogged up with steam, to the point where it made her eyes water, her hand coming up to wipe at her now damp brow.
“Levi?”
(Y/N) rounded the corner and gasped lightly at the sight. She had never ever seen Levi like this. Even when they had comforted each other after Isabel’s and Farlan’s deaths, he had never looked like this. Like he had completely given up. He was sitting on the floor of his shower, his head hanging low as he cried, his whole body shaking like he had a fever. His normally pale skin was an angry red, a testament to the temperature of the water. She could tell he didn’t even know she was there.
Swallowing hard, (Y/N) didn’t hesitate to approach him, keeping her eyes up determinedly as she made her way to him. She crouched, gently touching his chin with her fingers when he still didn’t respond to her kneeling in front of him.
Her eyes bored into his when he met her gaze, his normally bright silver eyes glazed over with sorrow and self-loathing. She honestly didn’t even know if he could really see her, too lost in his own world to really know who he was looking at. (Y/N)’s gaze hardened as she looked into those empty eyes. This was not the Levi she knew. She knew in that moment, as she looked into the soul of her closest friend, the one who had been with her through thick and thin, and the one who would likely be with her until the end, (Y/N) knew that she would hate nothing more than the look on his face right now.
(Y/N) finally managed to tear her gaze away from his and reached over, hissing at the heat of the water as it burned her bare arm, the tank top she always wore beneath her Survey Corps jacket doing nothing to protect her skin as she turned the handle down, involuntarily sighing a bit as the water cooled.
Levi did not react to the temperature change, he just remained sitting, his eyes closed once more. (Y/N) ignored the worry that clawed at her stomach at his unresponsiveness, and moved to stand behind him, grabbing the shampoo bottle and kneeling down so she was at eye level with his back and shoulders.
(Y/N) didn’t mind the feeling of her clothes getting immediately soaked as she set her entire focus on her hurting friend.
“I’m going to wash you, now,” (Y/N) said, and without waiting for a response, knowing she wouldn’t get one, (Y/N) got to work.
Squeezing the soap into her palms, (Y/N) got to work carefully scrubbing the filth from his hair, running her fingers through the raven black strands until the crusted over patches from the blood had been returned to their normal smooth softness. She worked the suds into his scalp, digging her fingers in until it was cleaned to her, and therefore his, satisfaction. Gently grabbing his shoulders, she pulled him under the spray and used her fingers once more to rinse the soap from his hair, making sure she washed it from under every strand so he wouldn’t be itchy later.
As soon as his hair had been soaped and washed, she moved onto his shoulders, grabbing the sponge on his shelf and applying more soap to his skin. Her touch was gentle but firm, almost reverent as she washed him, scrubbing the grime from his body with the utmost care. (Y/N) moved onto his shoulder blades and the rest of his upper back before switching to the front, forcing her eyes to stay modest as she focused on the hard planes of his chest, washing each individual groove with the sponge, the blood and the filth giving under the pressure of the soap and the sponge to slide down the drain.
When she got to just above his belly button, (her eyes latched onto his face like a lifeline), she grabbed his hand and placed the sponge in his palm, meeting his gaze with a smile at the light that she could see starting to return to his silver hues.
“I’ll leave the bottom half for you to enjoy,” (Y/N) said, her tone light but sensitive to his still fresh pain, before moving behind him again and raising her hands to condition his hair.
Levi said nothing as he washed the rest of his body, his mind short circuiting at the feeling of (Y/N)’s nimble fingers running through his hair. He felt like he was going crazy when he had the urge to purr and press his head against her hand like a cat, his eyes widening as he forced the urge down and focused on washing himself.
When he was all clean, (Y/N) shut off the water and grabbed ahold of both of his hands, gently leading him out of the shower and into the bathroom which had finally been cleared of steam. Grabbing a towel, (Y/N) wrapped it around his waist and tied in the front before grabbing another towel and reaching up to dry his hair, scrubbing at the mussed locks until they were fluffy and dry. Moving on, (Y/N) dried his upper body, taking special care to run the towel along the grooves of his muscles, soaking up every drop of moisture.
Since he was covered this time, (Y/N) leaned down and dried his legs herself, keeping her gaze locked on the tiles of the bathroom floor as she dragged the fluffy cloth over his skin. Moving to his back, (Y/N) was careful to blot at the welts on his back from the water that had burned him, dabbing around the spots and murmuring soft apologies whenever he winced.
When he was finally dry, (Y/N) threw the towel she had been using into the corner with his discarded clothes and dragged him into his room, quickly moving to his dresser so she could pull out some clothes for him. She originally thought to grab a shirt and some pants, but one look at him showed her that he was barely able to stand on his own, let alone get fully dressed. Handing him a pair of his boxers, (Y/N) turned to give him some privacy as she heard him drop the towel and shuffle around to put his underwear on.
When he was decent, (Y/N) helped him into his bed, pulling back the sheets and slowly pushing him down onto the pillows, her fingers lightly pressing his chest.
“Rest,” was all (Y/N) said as she quickly turned and headed back into the bathroom, pausing only to grab a shirt of his, her own clean clothes still in her room several halls over. She stripped and bathed quickly, faster than she ever had before, hopping out of the shower and throwing on Levi’s shirt before sliding her underwear over her thighs just underneath where the shirt covered her, the garment a little big on her.
Opening the bathroom door quietly, (Y/N) peeked her head inside before tiptoeing out of the bathroom towards the door leading to his office, hoping to let him get some sleep for once, now that he was clean. She made it to the door, her fingers resting on the handle when her name being called in the softest voice she had ever heard made her pause. Turning around slowly, (Y/N) saw Levi watching her, his silver eyes wide as he stared at her. He looked so young at that moment, almost scared. Her heart clenched, he was so open right now, so vulnerable, even in all of her time with him, she had never seen him this bare before her, his emotions laid out for her to see in their entirety for the first time in his life.
(Y/N) didn’t hesitate to move to him, her eyes never breaking from his intense stare as she approached him. When she finally got close enough, his arm shot out, his hand grasping her wrist and squeezing once. A silent plea. A call for help, the kind he didn’t know how to voice out loud. The kind he never had voiced out loud.
Suddenly, in that moment, (Y/N) realized how stupid it would’ve been for her to leave. She needed to be by his side, just as she always had. (Y/N) glanced at the spot on the bed beside him. They had shared a bed before, but that hadn’t been since their time in the Underground, when they were forced to share, both to keep warm when the lack of sun made the temperatures decline to near freezing and because they only had one filthy mattress for a while, when they lived in that pathetic shack together. Ever since they had come to the surface, they had been in their own quarters, as was expected of them. Pausing for only a second longer, (Y/N) nodded.
She saw Levi swallow, his Adam’s apple bobbing, and chose to ignore it as she made her way to the other side of the bed, not wanting to think about him being as nervous about this as she was. She needed to comfort him right now, not let her stupid feelings get in the way. She needed to be focused, not flustered.
Levi shifted over slightly to give her more room as (Y/N) lifted up the covers on her end and slid into the bed beside her best friend, laying back into the pillows. She expected him to roll over onto his side and slowly fall asleep like she knew he usually did. Or she expected him to lay on his back with his arms behind his head, his eyes closing gently as she turned away from him. It was how they had slept in the Underground when sharing a mattress together. What she did not expect was for Levi to immediately throw his arms around her, hugging her close and pulling her to him, burying his face in the curve of her neck while his arms squeezed her tightly.
(Y/N) gasped loudly at the sudden action, her face flushing despite her attempts to cool the flames in her cheeks. Her heart was thumping wildly in her chest, something she knew he felt as the corners of his mouth twitched upward, his face snuggling even closer to her. Her breathing was erratic as she felt his warm breath fanning out over her neck as it slowed and evened out. She realized a few moments later that he had finally fallen asleep. (Y/N) could still feel the shock coursing through her, but she managed to calm herself down enough to gently run her fingers through his hair, the strands now silky and unbelievably soft after his shower.
It was relaxing, (Y/N) realized, comforting her hurting friend, as she watched him in wonder while he slept against her. She had always been closer to him than almost anyone on the planet but even then she had never been this close, physically and emotionally. He had never cuddled up to her before and vice versa. It was just a line they had never crossed, not wanting to make the other feel uncomfortable or ruin the strong friendship they had with each other despite the growing feelings they had for one another, merely dancing around their relationship as they ignored the pulls of their hearts.
Now, (Y/N) wondered if this wasn’t opening some sort of door for them, as her eyelids grew heavy and she started to yawn. Eventually, (Y/N) completely relaxed against Levi, sighing in bliss as she cuddled up to him, feeling him just barely squeeze her to him tighter as she lost consciousness.
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Levi groaned softly as the light attacked his face, his silver eyes blinking open and squinting at the window where the shades had been left open, the sun streaming into his room in bright beams. Grumbling in annoyance, Levi went to turn so he could slide out of bed and shut those damn blinds when he suddenly realized… he couldn’t move.
Glancing down, Levi’s eyes widened in surprise for a moment before he remembered the events of the night before as he stared down at his best friend. (Y/N) was still fast asleep, her chest rising and falling rhythmically as she breathed deeply. Levi’s mind replayed what had happened last night. He had felt so lost, so empty inside. He had never felt that way before, like he wanted to give up. The closest he had ever gotten to that point was when his mother had been ripped away from him at four years old, not knowing what to do at such a young age other than wait to die. But the grief, the hopelessness, the depression that had piled up on him, it wasn’t just from the death of his squad, it was the result of years and years worth of loss. He had just lost all control, both of the situation and himself, and had fallen so far off the edge he hadn’t been able to pull himself back out again, not like he had done in the past.
And then there was (Y/N). The shining light to his world, the one who threw a rope around his waist and tugged, bringing him back from the sorrow and the darkness and the demons. She had lost so much too, her own friends being ripped away from her, her family reduced to none other than himself. The world had been just as cruel to her as it had been to him. He remembered now that Petra had been a good friend of (Y/N)’s, the two often bonding while they rode their horses on the trails around headquarters.
And she had still been the one to bring him back. To save him. He felt like he had just been pulled back from death, yanked back into the brightness of life by the one person who had never left him, the one who refused to.
His eyes roved over her sleeping form, really took in everything about her. He smiled, genuinely smiled with something wicked playing on his lips as he caught sight of her wearing nothing but his shirt and her flimsy underwear, but he forced himself to behave and move on from that fun detail. He took in the way her (h/l) (h/c) hair splayed out across the pillows, the way her soft skin seemed to almost glow in the early morning light. She looked so peaceful, her face curled into his chest, her hands balled into fists in between their bodies, her leg thrown over his waist like she owned it, her body naturally tilted so that she was almost sprawled across him.
Levi used the arm that was still loosely wrapped around her to softly run his fingers up and down her spine through his shirt, his other hand coming up to run through her locks. He grunted a little at how fucking soft her hair was and suddenly seemed to realize how good she smelled, how smooth her skin was, how fucking gorgeous she was, cuddled up to him as she slept, how shockingly beautiful her sharp (e/c) eyes were…
Levi jolted a little when he realized she was staring at him, her (e/c) eyes blinking owlishly a few times. Levi coughed awkwardly and removed his arm from around her as she moved to stretch.
“Good morning,” (Y/N) rasped as she stretched, her eyes closing at the satisfying pop of her shoulder blades.
“Morning,” Levi said gruffly, his husky voice sending shivers down (Y/N)’s spine.
“So… sleep well?” (Y/N) asked, obviously trying to diffuse the awkward atmosphere that had suddenly sprung up without their permission.
“Best I’ve had in years,” Levi answered honestly, smirking a little when (Y/N) whipped around to look at him.
“Really?” She asked in awe.
Levi nodded slowly before reaching out and touching the back of her hand with the tips of his fingers.
“(Y/N), what you did for me, last night, um, thank you,” Levi said, his eyes drifting from hers in embarrassment as he spoke. (Y/N) could’ve sworn some color even stained his cheeks. He wished he could say more, damn him for being unable to express his feelings like a normal human being, but he figured he had gotten the point across when he looked into her face once more.
Smiling brighter than the sun, (Y/N) couldn’t help herself as she swooped down and kissed him on the lips, relishing in the warm, soft feel of them before pulling back. Her smile turned sultry then, as she caught sight of his shocked face and darkened eyes, his hair mussed from sleep and his body still only consisting of a pair of boxers under the sheets. She thought he looked absolutely delicious.
Levi’s eyes darkened further when he saw that sultry expression, the wicked light in her eyes as she stared at him. Suddenly, his heart was a roaring inferno in his chest, calling out for her as he let his gaze roam over her possessively, his own smile filled with a dark promise as he took in the sight of her wearing his shirt and almost nothing else, unashamedly this time.
“Anytime, Ackerman.” (Y/N) said, before the pair attacked each other, eager to get lost in each other, to forget the pain, and to start a new beginning, together.