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Hermione sat in the small chair in the corner of her bedroom in Grimmauld Place, her legs tucked under her, an open book on her lap, but staring out the window at the night sky instead of reading. She used to love staring at the stars, finding the constellations never failed to help her sleep. Tonight it didn't matter that the clouds blocked her view to them as that little trick hadn't worked for the last four years. Since Malfoy Manor, if she was truly honest with herself. She'd never admit it out loud though.
A gentle tap came at her closed door causing her to jump, her heart racing. The night did that to her now.
'Come in,' she called, closing the book.
The door opened a little and Sirius stuck his head through the gap, already smiling as he did. 'Just saying goodnight. Harry's working through the night and said he'll bring breakfast home, so we're not to bother making any.'
Hermione smiled. 'G'night, Sirius,' she said gently.
'Night, Hermione.'
Once the door was closed, Hermione got changed for bed. She'd been using Sirius as her cue for when she should try to sleep. He never went to bed any earlier than one in the morning, and with work, it wasn't a solid sleeping schedule, but when one didn't sleep properly anymore, what difference did it make.
When she slipped into the white bedding her anxiety went up a notch at the idea of another battle with the elusive sleep. She was warm, comfy, and safe, but her mind wouldn't rest, always feeling like it should be ready for an attack at any moment. It immediately replayed all the memories she sometimes wish she could let someone remove, showing her all the faults she'd made leading to those moments.
Then finally Hermione's brain started to quieten enough for her to drift. It probably wouldn't be for long, but it was enough to keep her functioning through the day. Tonight's weather had other ideas as a lightning flash lit up the room, even with her curtains now closed. She opened her eyes, panic flooding through her body, her heart racing, not quite sure what had just happened, but the loud crack of thunder made her understand. Sitting up quickly, taking deep breaths to slow her heart rate, another flash lit up the room. The next roll of thunder made her jump, sending her pulse shooting back up.
Sighing heavily, anger rising in her at another night of no sleep, she flung the blankets off, almost stamping her bare feet on the wooden floors with annoyance. Grabbing her book, shoving her slippers on, Hermione took herself to the kitchen. She paused briefly at Sirius' closed door, toying with asking for his company, anything to get her through the night, to not be alone. No, it wasn't fair on him to lay her fears on him.
Trying her best to keep herself calm as she took herself through the house, her wand lit up to guide her, throwing shadows that didn't help slow her racing heart, adrenaline really starting to peak now. Finally she made it, feeling a little calmer in this room. Dropping the book on the table, Hermione flicked her wand, lighting all the candles dotted around the room, the light washing over her like a safety blanket, the pine green walls not holding a single shadow that could scare her. For good measure she lit the single candle sitting on the table too.
'Hermione?' Sirius voice said from the doorway.
Hermione spun round, her wand up, her heart now speeding along at a rate of knots, the thuds of it hard in her chest, having not heard his footsteps coming down the hallway. He immediately held his hands up, apologetically. She dropped her arm quickly.
'Did I wake you?' she asked, her breath a little ragged, clutching the collar of the t-shirt she was wearing for bed with her free hand.
'There's going to be a point where you'll actually talk to me about this, isn't there?' Sirius slowly moved into the room, taking her wand gently out of her hand to flick it at the kettle. It took itself to the sink to fill up before going to the cooker.
'About what?' She couldn't look him in the eye as she said it, instead turning to look at the table.
'You've been living here for a year now, you thought I wouldn't notice that you only sleep when you've had a potion?' Sirius forced her to turn back to him, his hands staying on her shoulders, her wand now back in her hand. She noticed he hadn't even gotten changed for bed yet, still in his t-shirt and black jeans. She also noticed that in this light his grey eyes almost looked silver. She loved his eyes.
'It was just the storm,' she said. A crack of thunder rattled outside as if to back her up.
It made her flinch so forcefully that Sirius' hands dropped down her arms, slipping past the material of her top, and stopping at her bare elbows. There wasn't often much contact between herself and Sirius, apart from the odd hug, and when it happened, little thrills of electricity would shoot through Hermione. Even now, in her sensitive state that came with the sun setting. It was calming. Especially as it was skin on skin contact.
'And the other nights?' he asked gently, not letting go of her. 'Or the nights you forget your Silencing Charm and we hear your nightmares?'
'You didn't tell me,' Hermione said, stepping backwards out of his hands, not realising she was so close to the table. Her hip hit the corner painfully.
'We lie best when we lie to ourselves,' Sirius replied, moving to the whistling kettle. 'Harry kept telling me it would stop, that you didn't have them often. I kept telling myself he was right.'
When he took the kettle off the stove, the silence settled heavy on the room. Hermione took a seat, watching him make two cups of tea. She smiled gratefully at him when he joined her at the table, putting hers in front of her. He sat sideways on his chair, facing her, his knee knocked into hers and he didn't remove it.
'I can't keep doing this,' she finally said, the closest she'd gotten to admitting her struggle with insomnia, 'but we all have our demons to live with. It's not just me.' She finally held his gaze, letting herself truly see the darkness that dwelled in Sirius. 'I just want to sleep.'
Sirius gave her a sad smile, slowly lifting a hand to brush some of her loose hair back over her shoulder, his fingertips trailing down the side of her face as he did. He lingered for a moment before shifting his hand to rest against the side of her neck, his thumb slowly rubbing her jaw.
'How about we try something different?' He smiled when she'd leant a little into his palm.
'Like what?'
Taking his hand back, Sirius stood up, tucking Hermione's book under his arm, and picking up the two mugs. 'We're going back to bed.' She shook her head, her stomach dipping in fear. 'Yes. Together- not in that way,' he said quickly when a flash of surprise hit her features. Then he smirked. 'Or it could be- kidding!' He danced away from her hand trying to pinch his arm, not spilling a drop of tea as he did.
Sirius was down the hallway when he shouted, 'Come on, my little damsel, or I'll drag you myself.'
When Hermione got to his room, Sirius had placed her tea and book on one bedside cabinet, his own tea on the other cabinet by his side of the double bed, and was stood by his chest of drawers, pulling pyjama pants out of the bottom drawer. She stayed at the entrance, glancing round at his room, not as messy as it used to be.
'In you get,' he said, pointing to the bed before moving past her, 'Back in a minute.'
Hermione dithered for a moment, not sure this was the right thing to do, but then she had nothing to lose. There'd been so many nights she'd wished for the company, someone there- a friend, a boyfriend…anyone to be solidly next to her as she slept, and Sirius was offering her the chance. Did it really matter how she'd come to feel about him over the last year?
She finally settled for sitting on the edge of the bed, putting her wand on top of the book, and sipped her still hot tea, waiting for him to come back to the room. She nearly choked on her tea when he did, wearing dark red bottoms low on his hips, his tattoos and slim body, with the hint of defined muscles, all on show. As were the scars on his arms and chest.
Sirius laughed at her reaction, moving round the bed to his side, while Hermione wiped her chin with the back of her hand. She absolutely refused to turn around now, feeling the bed move as he got in. There was distinct feeling of playing some kind of dangerous game that could either end really well or ruin everything forever.
'If that's how you try to fall asleep, then no wonder you're not sleeping,' Sirius said lightly. 'Get comfortable, Hermione. I won't bite.'
Holding back a sigh, Hermione put the cup down to get in the bed. Sirius was sat against the headboard, cup of tea in hand, watching her with a bemused face.
'It's okay if you don't like me. Not everyone has good taste,' he said as she got comfy under the blankets, not bothering to finish her tea.
She sniggered at that, feeling a bit more at ease with the situation. She rolled on to her side facing him. 'Was this really your plan? To get me into bed with you?' she asked, suddenly fighting a yawn.
'I've been foiled!' he said with a laugh. He took a large sip of his tea before putting the cup down and settling down into the bed, facing Hermione. 'We didn't choose this life, we're just living in it.'
She frowned. 'That's a bleak way of looking at it.'
There was a hint of a shrug from him under the covers. 'I understand what you're feeling. We've become by-products of our trauma and we're existing- we are,' he said the last bit firmly when Hermione was about to argue. 'You're too good and kind to live like that. You should have more than this.'
'And what about you? Don't you think you deserve more?'
'I've never been told anything other than what a disappointment I am,' Sirius said simply. Hermione's eyes inadvertently drifted to the scar she could just see above the blankets, starting below his left collar bone. 'Proof of what I've actually deserved.'
Sighing, Hermione brought her eyes back to his, a hardness to them as he remembered his past pains. 'If you know I don't sleep, then does that mean you haven't been sleeping either?'
His silence told her all she needed to know.
This time her heart rate picked up for a different reason. Hermione shifted in the bed, moving closer to Sirius, and without a word being said, he moved forward as well. She snaked an arm around his waist, tucking her face into his neck, and hugged him tightly, his own arm pulling her close to him.
'You deserve better. You're a good person, Sirius,' she whispered into his neck.
'I need you to know,' Sirius gripped her tightly, 'whatever you need. I'm here. I mean absolutely anything,' Sirius said, his voice barely louder than a whisper. She could feel his heartbeat in his neck as she pressed her lips to his skin.
'That's all I need,' she said, lifting her head to look at him.
'We should've not slept together sooner,' Sirius said, a crooked smile on his lips, dipping his head to place a light kiss on her lips.