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One thing Bernadetta was certain of was that she was the weak one. In a flood she would be the one to drown and in a fire she would be first to burn. When everything went to hell Bernadetta knew that it would be her spinning around in the epicenter without a sign of stopping as the others scattered around would get back up and recover with ease. This never bothered her, though. In fact, she had come to find some comfort in it over the years as it was a consistent piece in her story of ups and downs. Sure, her downs would drag her to great unknown fears that lurked her mind, but she had come to rely on those around her to bring her back to a peaceful state of mind.
There were her years in Garreg Mach where her fellow classmates would take her in and help the struggling fledgling of the Black Eagle house spread her wings. Then, during the war, she had come to rely on the guidance of those same classmates who had grown into leaders and also that of her beloved professor who led them all, but most of all she relied on her best friend, Yuri, whom she had reunited with during her academy years. The two were inseparable during the war and even now.
Presently, she led her house in the Varley Territory, having inherited the role after the war, and Yuri had sort of moved in maybe a month later. It was after a particularly horrible delivery of a statement to the public; Bernadetta had hugged the taller man’s arm and never let go. Since then he had never left. His presence was always nearby and only an arm’s length away.
Despite his smaller than average frame and lithe build, Yuri was the strongest man Bernadetta had ever met. After all, it wasn’t physical strength he had mastered. It was how he took everything in stride and nothing made him flinch. He had poise with every problem. Her best friend could keep his wits about him and always look good doing just that. He sat next to her at meetings with folded hands and a small smile over his petal pink lips. During banquets he held an air of grace while being so polite that he, usually the only commoner at the table, made most nobles look like an absolute mess. Then, each night, he would listen to Bernadetta’s worries without a single remark on how she did things. Yuri simply offered his support and a shoulder to lean on with a few dry humored jokes about nothing in particular to get her to smile.
So, Bernadetta wasn’t surprised at Yuri’s reaction, or lack thereof, towards the letter he received that morning. Pale hands lightly gripped the parchment and lavender eyes scanned the page before he cleared his throat and looked up from the ink. “My mother is dead.” He stated like one commented on the weather.
Her stormy eyes looked him over, trying to form words. She had met the woman that Yuri called mother enough times to count on one hand. All she knew was that the woman was beautiful and surely the origin behind her best friend’s gorgeous looks. Well, that and how she was loved by her son more than anyone else. “I’m sorry for your loss.” Bernadetta whispered, head facing down in hopes to express some iota of respect for the woman she barely knew.
Those pretty pink lips curled into a grin. His eyes closed and he let a mirthful chuckle roll out of his mouth. “She’s in a better place now, right? And now no one can use her against me anymore. It isn’t a loss.”
Bernadetta watched the corner of Yuri’s lip twitch and she tilted her head. Yuri always had been more of a strategic thinker. He had logic behind each thing he did no matter how weird, but he always had heart guiding his logic. So, this was obviously strange in how his reaction seemed to lack his heart. “Are you sure?” Bernadetta asked, trying to weed through his carefully placed words and expression.
The lavender on his head bounced as he nodded. His grin was like a beacon of hope in foggy seas. “I am positive, Bernadetta. Now, cheer up. Show me that beautiful smile of yours and let’s have another lovely day together.”
“O-okay.” Bernadetta stuttered, too lost in his too perfect gaze to question much more.
"What do we have to do today?" Yuri asked, lightly nudging her arm with his own.
"Um, well, I have a meeting I must attend as Countess of the Varley Territory; just a small one. You don't have to be there. Y-You can have the day off? Maybe take a break?"
She hoped he would take her up on the offer. He deserved some time to himself. He always did more than he was expected to do and, if Bernadetta was being honest with herself, Yuri probably needed time to think over his loss a little more. It wasn’t like when she had lost her father. No, he actually loved and adored the parent that primarily raised him. He did so much to make her life easier and it didn’t seem to fit that he could pass it off as nothing; no big deal. It was concerning to say the least. Yet, Yuri kept that small smile in place as he stayed by Bernadetta’s side. “No. I will go with you. I like to know what’s going on considering I live here now.”
And that was a good point. Good enough that Bernadetta could not think of any way to counter it. He did live with her. They even shared a bed each night. He had every right to know what was happening within the household and throughout the territory because, like the staff liked to say, Yuri was practically her husband. He probably would be if she didn't believe herself to be so unworthy of him.
They wound up in their regular seats. Yuri and Bernadetta sat at the head of the table while other heads of the territory’s resources filled in the rest of the chairs of the meeting room. They gave the countess information in hopes to gain some guidance and she did what she could despite the fact she wanted to sink into her seat and disappear. It was a normal feeling for the young head of the territory, but she had Yuri at her side and his usual air of confidence always surrounded her like a hug and kept her steady.
At least, that was what she tried to tell herself. Usually her voice never turned into a mumble and her body never shivered when he was nearby and holding her hand. Although, something was off today. Their rhythm was off. He was there, but not. She glanced his way as someone told them about the status of the farmland and she noticed his eyes were somewhat dim. The usual light that filled the orchid toned irises was gone. He looked almost pensive. Most probably thought he was intently listening to the plight of the current drought, but Bernadetta could see he was elsewhere. The usual Yuri would add in thoughts about offering jobs to the lower class and solving his favorite focus of poverty. The usual Yuri was not only present, but as much a leader as she was supposed to be for the land. The usual Yuri would occasionally rub his foot against hers. This Yuri was only sitting through the meeting like a bored child sat through a repeated lecture in class. Bernadetta would know as she had seen a lecture given by Hanneman back in the academy and that man loved to ramble about crests.
Bernadetta tapped her leather bound foot against Yuri’s boot and her eyes widened at how the man nearly jumped out of his seat with the strangest of squeaks falling from his lips. She had never surprised him before. It seemed so weird to see him so completely debased. His jaw was nearly on the ground and his eyes had widened to the size of teacup saucers. The two stared at each other for a moment in the hiccup. The meeting was forgotten and the others in attendance, as cheesy as it seemed, had disappeared. The two simply stared at each other; Bernadetta with red cheeks and Yuri with makeup hiding any blush he might have had. All Bernadetta could note as a huge difference was that Yuri’s eyes looked almost glassy. It all seemed so wrong and it had her in shock. This could not be. Her best friend would never- Someone cleared their throat and Bernadetta dragged her eyes away from Yuri; back to the notes in front of her. She read a few of her ideas and made some more promises of a future meeting with other nobles from neighboring territories to help gain enough supplies to help them through the drought. Somehow, with the man that usually was her rock looking downcast and not being entirely in his right mind only inspired her to show him that she was alright. The young countess had no idea why she felt that way, though.
After dispersing the meeting, Bernadetta thought it best to talk with Yuri about what had happened. Touching base and making sure he was alright with the new developments in his life seemed a normal thing to do. She hoped. Yet she couldn’t find Yuri. He had disappeared somewhere along the line of her shaking hands and saying goodbyes. He never vanished without telling her before. What was she to do? As an introvert, she understood needing space. She could easily grasp the idea of too much social exertion and needing to recharge, but Yuri wasn’t her. He never was like her. He was her complete opposite. So why did he suddenly need space? Was he trying to avoid her? Had her new found confidence scared him off? Was he frightened? Bernadetta only wished she could understand what to do. Nothing made sense and it especially did not help that he was her usual confidant. Now who could she go to and chat about her worries when Yuri was the root of them all?
Bernadetta dashed through the hallways of the Varley manor in a way that wasn’t entirely running, but not her usual walking pace either. A few maids raised their eyebrows as she poked her head into each room she passed and called Yuri’s name in an attempt to find her missing housemate. Although, he wasn’t in any of the places she looked. Not even his normal hideaways like the courtyard where he practiced swordplay or the office where he would read and write in one of his many journals. He wasn’t even in the greenhouse where he simply liked to walk around. Bernadetta was stumped.
In the hours that passed without Yuri nearby in her childhood home, Bernadetta only felt lonely and depressed. Her happiest memories in the manor were the ones she shared with the man, after all. Even as children he had lit up the dreary old place. She wondered where he could be and what was going on through that pretty purple head of his, but she supposed he would tell her when he was ready. She hoped it was the case. She hoped with all her might because without him she was sure she would lose herself to the panic and anxiety once again; however, the thoughts did not plague her for long. No, instead a maid walked up to her and both eased her heart and worried her to no end.
The maid was a newer member of staff. One Yuri had insisted on hiring due to her lower social standing and her needing a job to support her family. He was weak for that story and now all the newer staff was hired under similar circumstances. She gave a curt bow before speaking. “Countess Varley, your husband, er, um, no. Your permanent guest. He has taken all the prep work from the kitchen staff and now he is completing all the laundry. I was only wondering if you would prefer for me to send some of the staff home since most have been idle for some time now.”
It was a lot to take in. Yuri sometimes took on the duties of the manor staff. He enjoyed cooking so much that she couldn’t bear to tell him that he didn’t have to and the cooks probably learned from him if she was being completely honest. He occasionally did his own laundry as well with the insistence that he liked things a particular way. Yet, he never took on as many responsibilities as the maid was explaining now. He never did everything . “Um, right. That is fine, but could you t-tell me where he is? Like right now?” Bernadetta asked, wringing her hands.
“Of course, Countess Varley. He was last seen taking a basket of laundry to be folded into your shared chambers. Would you like me to fetch him for you?”
“No! No need!” Bernadetta pulled at her shirt collar and tried not to choke on her own words, “He probably wouldn’t come if you asked.” She mumbled.
“What was that?”
“N-n-nothing! You are dismissed! Uh, I mean, you may be dismissed. And please send home idle staff and all that. Uh, thank you. I must go now. Uh, bye.” And Bernadetta rushed off in an attempt to flounder no further.
The young countess stared at her bedroom door. The thick mahogany gateway to her usual peaceful place of solitary never seemed so foreboding before. Her room had always been a place of happiness. A safe place just for her. Yet, she knocked at the door like it wasn’t even her room. Why did she do that? That seemed so stupid. She supposed it was because Yuri was in there and he seemed to be avoiding her. It did not seem right to run at him and ask questions when he never did that to her. Sure, he’d get her to talk, but not through force.
The hallway remained quiet and Bernadetta wondered if Yuri was even in the room. He could have moved since her chat with the maid. It wasn’t unreasonable. Great. He could be anywhere by now. She had missed her chance and now he was somewhere else and she was still all alone and there was nothing she could do because he was avoiding her and- she seriously needed to take a moment and breathe. So Bernadetta opened the door with the plan to crash into bed for a moment. Just long enough to breathe and get an idea of how to find Yuri in her head. Only, she wasn’t prepared to see Yuri still in the room.
Neat piles of clothes littered the floor around the cross legged man as he finished folding a tunic. He set it down in a pile and spoke with an overcontrolled amount of calm. “Oh. It’s you. I thought it was a maid.” He muttered, not looking up from his work, “They just don’t fold it the same way I do. I guess I can’t seem to get used to this ‘act like a noble’ thing.”
With the shaky laugh after his own words, Bernadetta only grew more concerned. It wasn’t what he had said, but how he had said it. Something was clearly off. He had that same twitch at the corner of his mouth as before when he had said the loss of his mother was no big deal.
She quietly shut the door behind her and looked back in his direction. “So, you do the whole manor’s laundry now?”
He shrugged and pulled a tablecloth from a basket. “It was there and so was I. There’s no reason to leave it behind.”
“It’s okay. I mean, that’s nice of you, but…”
Bernadetta paused and tried her best to think over her next words so she wouldn’t offend him. She wondered how Yuri spoke so easily during her panic attacks with his fancy words of comfort and support saying all she wanted to hear. How did he do that so naturally? She made a small cough into a closed fist. “Yuri, you have been busy today. Like, really busy. It sounds like you took all the work from the staff. Are you sure that you are, well, okay?”
“I’m fine.” He replied with that oh so off small smile once more.
She tilted her head. “I-I get it now. Y-you’re lying. That smile. It means you don’t want to talk about it so-so you lie.”
That was probably way too forward, but Yuri was always super blunt with her. If this got her to talk then it would do the same with him, right? He folded the tablecloth and did not look up from his work. It was a long silence. One that had Bernadetta feeling awkward until the man finally spoke, “That’s quite the accusation. You have proof?”
He had every right to ask that. She was seriously poking a dragon here. Yet, honesty was what bound them together the strongest. She had to give that to get it in return. It was how Yuri worked. "You're right. I-I am making wild assumptions. B-but you are not acting like yourself. At the meeting today you were only going through motions. Then I checked on you and I thought that-that, well, you looked ready to cry, but now you say you are fine!"
The man who had held all her attention shakily set down another folded garment. "I am fine. I'm so fine. Fine, fine, fine. You want to know what isn't fine?!"
Normally she would have backed down and hid behind furniture or a closed door if any man raised his voice in a way similar to how he had just done. It was so much like how her father spoke, but this wasn't normal for Yuri in the slightest and she was like a deer in staring into a thunder spell. Whatever Yuri was feeling now was making him act in a way he never would. He was always so careful and kind. The man once nearly danced over cobblestones so as to not kill a single ant. He’d never intentionally hurt another for no reason. He wasn't fine and his act was breaking before her eyes. She only needed to press a little harder and she was sure he would say what was on his mind. "Y-yes. Tell me." She commanded, sounding more calm than she felt.
He ran a pale hand through his lavender hair and brushed it over his shoulder. He looked a bit taken aback from her words and he glanced around kind of like an answer might form in the surrounding plum and goldenrod colored tapestries with hand embroidered designs by Bernadetta herself hanging along the walls. He squinted at them like he could simply read whatever hidden message had appeared to end the conversation. "The… It's the laundry, Bernadetta!"
She tapped a foot against one of the piles lying on the rug, testing to see if it would bite or something. "Um, r-really?"
"Th-the maids forget to keep the colors separate from the whites. My darker clothes are turning all the lighter clothing grey!"
Bernadetta reached for one of her nightgowns that lay on the top of a nearby pile. It was a delicate and lacy design made from pure white cotton and silk. One she desired to wear to bed one night, but didn’t have enough courage to let Yuri see it on her. How it happened to get in the laundry she had no idea. In fact, most of the piles closer to Yuri contained clothes that hadn’t been worn recently. "I am not exactly a professional with laundry. Anything really, but… it looks okay. Yet, if it r-really bothers you then it can be fixed. O-okay?"
She was feeling quite proud of herself. That was a calm and level headed response. Yuri had taught her so well. She could solve problems just like he did for her. Then she noticed the worst possible thing. Yuri's eyes were red and enormous, fat tears rolled over his cheeks. He quickly smothered them into the fabric of his long, slate blue sleeve. "It can't be fixed!" He shouted, "It's too late to fix! The color is all gone ! Forever. Nothing will be like it! You can try to fix it, but it will never be the same !"
“Whhaaaaaaat!!??” She screamed.
It didn't really make sense to Bernadetta. She had never seen someone so strong completely break down over something so ridiculous, but she knew when she cried Yuri would hold her to his chest and stroke her hair, no matter how dumb it had been in hindsight. He would let her listen to the sound of his heart beat and, eventually, she would find enough peace to talk about what made her so sad in the first place. So she rushed to his side, knocking over several piles of clothes on the way to which Yuri made a wail upon seeing his hard work topple over through his tears.
Her smaller figure and shorter arms had trouble wrapping around him. He had definitely grown since they were children, but he had a habit of finding his way to fit against her body when it truly mattered; like when they cuddled each night in bed. His head rested over top her chest and his arms shakily looped around her waist. Bernadetta brushed fingers through his hair, enjoying how soft it was. His efforts for beauty surely reaped their benefits. Then she slowly rocked them back and forth as he continued to shudder and fall apart in her arms. Bernadetta wondered if this made her more patient than Yuri because usually he was asking her questions as she cried. He always wanted to solve the problem as soon as possible, but Bernadetta had a feeling that Yuri wouldn't be able to speak in his current state. He was so far from himself. She wondered if he would deny this happening later on.
After what had to have been half an hour he only had stuttered breaths and sniffles. He pulled back and Bernadetta bit her lip. She knew he was completely open and raw right now. One wrong move and she could really mess things up between them, but his beloved makeup had streaked down his face in lavender paths across his cheeks while the peach gloss of his lips had smudged around his mouth. He had always been good at reading people so he quickly looked away and shielded his face with both hands. "DON'T LOOK AT ME!" He shouted.
Bernadetta tried not to giggle and stumbled before getting up. Her legs were full of pins and needles, but at least Yuri was no longer crying. "Hold on. I'll be right back. Go lie down and I'll get a cloth for your face."
She didn't stay to hear his reply because she was sure he would get stubborn and try making her leave. It had probably been a good decision on her part because when she got back to the bedroom he had actually obeyed her. Bernadetta climbed into her side of the bed, knocking over a few pillows and teddy bears, and gently washed away all the makeup on her favorite person to reveal the reddest blush she had ever seen on the man. It covered his face and neck. She almost felt bad for him. Almost because he was looking far too cute for a serious feeling of remorse at turning him so red. He spun the other way and pulled blankets over his face after she was done.
“Oh, Yuri. Don’t be like that. It’s okay. I lo-love your face. Makeup or not. You are beautiful.” She murmured, patting his shoulder through the thick comforter of their bed.
It took a little time, but as the sun set outside a mound of slightly tangled strands like thistle emerged from the blankets. “Mmn… sorry.”
“It’s okay. I know how you get when it comes to your makeup.” Bernadetta soothed.
Her hand continued to rub circles into his back and he continued to emerge from the blankets. “It’s not about my face. I’m sorry because I didn’t want to do this today.”
That was a weird way of saying it. “You mean cry? You can’t just control that, Yuri. At least I don’t think you can. Wait… can you?!”
He rolled back around to face her and Bernadetta’s heart nearly stopped. Without the cat eye look he usually applied and the blush to contour his face he looked much softer. He even had a light dusting of freckles traveling over the bridge of his nose. “If I get busy,” He started, “I won’t hurt. I don’t have to cry if I’m doing something else. I didn’t want to-”
His eyes watered again as a few tears slipped out. “I don’t like how this feels, Bernadetta. I don’t like it. I never have. My lungs feel so small and I can’t breathe or think. All I know is that this pain is all mine and mine alone. I made the choices so-” He took a large breath, “So you can leave. I will be fine.”
Yuri had always been more independent with his feelings than her. It was something Bernadetta found endearing and she admired it so much; she wished that she too could be so strong that others were not concerned with her. Yet, with him using the trait to push her away, it only felt annoying now. Why couldn’t he be like her for once and let himself ride out the feeling? She inched closer, pulling the sheets taut with the motion. Her hands cradled his cheeks and her thumbs brushed away the rivulets of tears. “I’m not leaving my room, Yuri.”
“Then I can go.”
“That’s not what I meant. I want you to talk.” She insisted, using the same words he had used with her many times.
The corner of his mouth twitched into a half smile and he was quiet for a moment. He kept staring into her eyes, but she knew he was thinking because he did that little hum he always did when he wasn’t sure about something.
“Well?” She pressed, knowing Yuri would do the same to her in opposite positions.
He nudged her foot with his own. “You’ve been around me too much.” He stated.
She thought about what he had said earlier and brushed the fringe from his eyes. “You are distracting yourself again. Why did you cry? Laundry wouldn’t do that to you. At least I hope it wouldn't."
He stifled a laugh. “Yes. Crying over laundry is not exactly something I want to continue pursuing if that’s okay with you.”
“So what is it really?” Bernadetta asked, “Your mother, right? We can do something for her if you’d like! Uh, most of the time the remaining family makes a funeral. At least, that’s what we do in nobility.”
Yuri shook his head. “It’s not that. Well- hold on. It is, but it isn’t. I’m not completely heartless. I lost my mother. Yet, it’s more than that on my mind.”
It was progress. Bernadetta kind of felt like he needed some kind of reward. She kissed his cheek and his huge blush returned with a vengeance. She could get used to seeing him without the censorship of makeup and she realized she could make that happen. She knew where he kept his things. He had taken over her vanity and she could definitely make his makeup disappear- and what was she thinking?! That certainly would be inappropriate.
Yuri brushed some stray hair behind her ear. “You’re panicking about something again.” He murmured with a somber smile.
“I-It’s nothing!” She waved her hands around like it would ward the conversation away, “Um, what else is on your mind?”
“You.” He replied so simply that Bernadetta ended up blushing.
“Me? I made you cry?! Oh no!! That’s horrible! But I should have seen this coming…”
“I’m the reason you do that.”
Her trail of self deprecation screeched to a halt. “What? What are you talking about? I’ve always been like this! Don’t blame yourself for how worthless I am!”
“Stop and listen. You were in danger , Bernadetta. You were hurting each and every day and I let it happen.” He sniffled and rubbed at his face with his sleeves.
Bernadetta wished she could call it cute because his cheeks were all red and his hair was so disheveled. He looked like a sadder version of how she imagined him getting up in the morning. She wished she could get up earlier than him for once to confirm her guess on the matter. Although, that was aside from the point. The biggest thing that bothered her were Yuri’s tears and Bernadetta only wanted to know how to stop them. Yuri continued speaking, his voice muffled by his sleeves, “I was so selfish back then. I just tried to do each job without any thought. Then I chickened out and I was caught. I left you and it only got worse because of me. It got so much worse.”
“You mean my father?” Bernadetta squeaked, “You didn’t make him do anything. What he did was his own choice.”
“No, but I could have stopped it. You became who you are today because I messed up. I should have gone back and saved you. I could have left my mother and piss poor, shitty life behind, but I chose to make money no matter the cost and try to make my mother’s life easier. Now she’s dead and her life didn’t really get much better from my actions did it?”
His hands curled into fists at his sides. Yuri’s eyes were filled with some kind of anger sadness cocktail that would probably have been bitter to taste, but he was overtaken by it. “Did you know that she was held hostage and interrogated because of me? Numerous times. There are things she won’t even tell me. She can’t now! If I had just done what I thought as I held that knife over you… I would have a completely different life. You wouldn’t have suffered!”
“What you thought with the knife? Yuri, I don’t understand. Didn’t you want to kill me?” Bernadetta inched backwards.
Was he going to kill her now? Did he regret missing his chance that much? She really hadn’t seen this coming. He shook his head and the tears welled up again at the corner of his eyes as the anger melted away, leaving a bunch of raw sorrow behind. “I thought, in that moment, as I held that knife that I could stay. I could stop all the jobs and just be the gardener who sometimes pushed you on the swing under the oak tree. And then I would have noticed. I would have seen what was happening and I would have stopped it all. I would take you with me and stop all the hurting. We would have run away and I would have protected you like you needed all those years ago."
His tears were back on full force and running down his face to soak his shirt. Bernadetta couldn't believe he was holding onto something that felt like ancient history between them. Sure, they met under some bad circumstances, but she would never trade those moments for anything. Bernadetta watched him for a moment as the words sank in some more. “You would have run away with me?”
He was trembling and gasping by this point so all he could do was nod. Bernadetta didn’t know how to respond. It was basically kidnapping he had thought about, but a life with her best friend like that would have been nice. Probably. They could have been two kids on the run with the world open for them as their own personal playground. Yuri was always so protective of her in the gardens as he’d warn her about what plants had thorns and lie jackets over puddles. He even listened to every word she said and brushed her hair when he wasn’t tending to the gardens. He was everything she needed and he was also so gorgeous. Then in school she learned it was kind of an act and he teased her by calling her a crybaby, but he still supported her all the same. He was a silly one, mocking her and then patting her head afterwards. Then she tilted her head. “You called me annoying at the academy. You didn’t like me then. Not in the way you do now. Why would you want to run away with me if I annoyed you?”
His breathing was so fast and he started coughing like he did when a cat or dog was too close. Yuri sniffled and coughed some more into his damp sleeves before his next words passed his lips. “Y-you were never annoying. I-I said that because it-it was easier than facing the fact that I- that I did this to you !” He admitted, shouting at the end.
The whole perspective was something she had not expected. Yuri blamed himself for her worthlessness. His misplaced guilt caused him to wail more and more. Bernadetta grabbed Yuri by the shoulders and hugged him to her chest. “It’s okay! I’m okay! Even you are okay!”
“It’s NOT! I left you with HIM! I thought he’d PROTECT YOU! But you only got twisted and twisted and twisted!! He HURT YOU and I LET HIM!”
His body shook in her arms. He was bent in what had to be the most uncomfortable position with how she held him close so she lied down with him, not worrying about the extra weight of his body over hers. Then she stroked his hair, slowly undoing the tangles as he soaked the front of her clothes with tears and snot. Despite the whole awkward situation and gross factor that came with, Bernadetta couldn’t help but feel closer to Yuri. He made just a little more sense after all he had shared. She supposed this was when Yuri talked to her when she cried so she cleared her throat. “Thank you for telling me all of that, Yuri.”
“You probably think I’m crazy.” He whined.
She thought he was adorable.
Bernadetta wiped the dampness from his cheeks and smiled. “You know, you said something to me when my father died. I guess you said it to the professor too. You said that it is okay to feel whatever I was feeling. That it was normal.”
“I sound so wise and pretentious.”
She bit her lip in an attempt not to laugh before finally speaking again. “You just might be, but I think it’s best to let yourself feel what you need to instead of keeping it all in for so long.”
“I have no right. I must live with the choices I have made. They are my sins to bear.” He explained like it was some sort of scripture.
“B-but think of what you have done! I- I did today’s meeting even though you weren’t feeling up to it. You gave me that courage. Without you-”
“Pardon my tongue, but I didn’t do shit.”
“I don’t usually argue with you by this point when I cry. You need to take it down a level. I don’t really know what to say.” She made a shaky, awkward laugh.
Bernadetta was only met with a soft smile. “I like to believe it wasn’t me, Bernadetta. It was all you. You always were going to be a great leader and I just happen to be the lucky guy you grabbed one day and didn’t let go of. You healed yourself. I just wish that… I never allowed you to break in the first place.”
“So? You didn’t know. No one knew how bad it was. I didn’t even know. I only learned things were wrong through school and meeting others. I’m still learning.” She admitted, “But, either way, you went out and still did something. You saved so many people.”
“Not enough. Not you .” His voice was nearly a whisper.
She reached out and stroked his cheek to which he only raised an eyebrow and placed his hand over hers. Bernadetta knew she had to say something, but she worried nothing would ease the man’s conscience and anything she would say would only worsen the feelings he already held. She needed a little courage and she knew he always had some to spare. With a quick peck on the lips she spoke to the incredibly red faced best friend in front of her, “If what you are blaming yourself for is true then fine, but it’s what made us into who we are, right? S-so I guess that, what I’m saying is- well, if it’s true that is, is that we are us because of our choices. If you saved me like you say you wanted to it could be different.”
“It would be better.” He insisted.
She shook her head and rested her forehead against his. “What if I… didn’t need you? We wouldn’t have… fallen in love.”
They both blushed so hard that the temperature of the room rose at least ten degrees, but Yuri somehow could still speak. “You would marry, though. You might have had Ferdinand von Aegir at your side. He would give you all you want and more.”
Bernadetta moved closer, rubbing noses with Yuri. She felt the need to give him a taste of his own medicine at that moment. “Not enough. Not you .” she echoed.
And he laughed. It was finally a true laugh. One from his soul that lifted her very spirits and encouraged her whole being to keep going just to hear it again. So she cupped his face before her borrowed courage ran out. “I love you. I love how you came back into my life and turned it all around. I love who you have become and who you will be. Without us the way we were and are then we would not have each other now and that is a loss I wouldn’t bear.”
Yuri smiled so big and bright that Bernadetta was sure Sothis had placed a new sun in her room. He pulled her into a crushing hug and kissed her wherever he could reach, mostly tapping kisses along the side of Bernadetta’s ears and crown of her head. It was just too much and all the young countess could do was giggle in response. “Y-Yuri! It tickles!!” She shouted.
And Yuri only paused to say one thing. “I was a fool to think you were ever broken at all.”
And maybe she wasn’t all that weak either.