Chapter Text
After the night of the lock-in and Sterling’s kidnapping, April and Sterling didn’t interact for the rest of the school semester. There was none of the earlier animosity April had showed towards Sterling prior to their secret relationship, rather they each exhibited an almost ignorance of one another’s existence. Sterling seemed a different person to April since the night of the lock-in: she never showed interest in anything in or outside of schoolwork, and her expressions were simply joyless. She barely lifted her head when walking Willingham’s hallways. It was almost as if she were just going through the motions of life, weighed down by a secret tragedy. Ellen Johnson, while ignorant of the exact nature of Sterling's issues, sensed the new vibe between the girls and didn’t pressure them to work together again.
The Willingham Academy gossip train ran riot with conjecture of what had happened to Sterling to make her act this way. Several theories made the rounds, ranging from alien abduction (this was posited by Hannah B, who had been watching way too much of the History Channel) to delayed damage from her breakup with Luke. Blair and Sterling had told no one of the trauma Sterling had suffered and did not invite discussion of the subject. They could always be found together, Blair in an over-protective bodyguard role that kept other students and their questions at bay.
A master of compartmentalization, April put all romantic thoughts of Sterling Wesley into a neat, tidy section of her brain labeled “Do Not Touch”. She concentrated solely on her academics, and a significant portion of her previous bitchy persona seemed to have evaporated. She just didn’t have the strength - or the inclination - any more. After the school semester ended, April went to work at the church camp she had attended as a young girl and at which she had been a counselor for the past two years. Three days before the camp ended she had a conversation with another counselor, Jamie, who was new to the camp that year. Jamie was pretty in a tomboyish way, with short, dark hair and a pierced eyebrow. April had wondered if she might be a lesbian but this being a church camp she had never broached anything that even came close to the potential minefield of sexual identity.
April was walking towards the camp’s shallow lake with Jamie to pick up their youthful charges from a canoeing lesson. They were discussing some current political issues, Jamie appearing to lean a little to the political left. She had also recently mentioned being excited to receive a call from her “special someone”. April was curious to know how much Jamie would tell her. “Are you looking forward to going home in three days and seeing your special someone?”
Jamie’s face took on a dreamy expression. “So much. It’s been really difficult for us to be apart for three months. We just got together right before school ended for the semester. I had never had a relationship before. I liked this person for a long time, and it was the best feeling when I found out they actually liked me back.”
This person. April felt hopeful and decided to plunge in with both feet. “Um, is this person by any chance a female?”
A shadow of fear flickered in Jamie’s eyes. This was, after all, a southern Christian camp.
“It’s fine if it is! I won’t judge you! Love is love, as far as I'm concerned!” April wanted to let Jamie know immediately that she was at least an LGBTQIA+ ally, though she hadn’t yet decided whether to share her own identity.
“Yes - she’s female. Her name is Taylor. She’s the most beautiful girl, and the kindest, sweetest person I’ve ever met. I already know I love her, even though we haven’t been together very long.” She looked directly at April. “You aren’t going to say anything to anyone, are you?”
April took a deep breath and spilled the words rapidly. “Of course not. Um, actually, I’m a lesbian, too. God is not going to smite us for our feelings because God is love, and loving someone cannot be wrong, even if they are the same sex.” She decided to put it all out there. “I had a secret girlfriend a few months ago. She was my first. We were only together a week, but I really really liked her.” Jamie’s eyes grew large and round. “Only a week???” she blurted. “What happened?”
It was difficult to keep the tears from forming in the corners of April’s eyes. “She wanted to come out together and I just couldn’t. My parents are homophobic bigots. I was so incredibly afraid of what would happen to me if they found out. They’d probably kick me out of the house and send me to conversion therapy. I just couldn’t take the risk.”
It was the first time April had told anyone about her brief relationship that had changed her life so much. After suppressing her feelings about it for months, now everything came bubbling to the surface. It was like the mud pots she had once seen on a family trip to Yellowstone Park. Boiling and spitting, they could not be contained. “Her name is Sterling. She’s the prettiest girl in the school, incredibly kind and nice to everyone, and so, so smart. She had a boyfriend for a long time, but then she broke up with him and told me she liked me. She’s tall and blonde and beautiful. We were happy together. I’d had crushes on other girls before, but had never felt anything for anyone what I felt for her.”
“How did your breakup happen?”
“We had a lock-in at school - an overnight with all of the students. Sterling told me she wanted to sleep next to me and hold my hand, and if someone saw us we shouldn’t care. I just couldn’t do it. I was too afraid. And instead of telling her that first, I blindsighted her by flirting with her ex-boyfriend“ (Jamie’s eyebrows raised at this) “and was really mean to her. Then I told her we were breaking up. She cried, and ended up leaving the lock-in with her mom. And when she came back to school the next week she acted completely different and strange. We didn’t speak - she wouldn’t even look at me. I know something else happened to her that night after she left, but nobody I’ve talked to knows what it was. I wish I had handled it differently. It’s weird. Her sister - they’re twins - wouldn’t let me or anyone else anywhere near her.”
“Ouch. That’s…not good, April. Sounds like she really liked you and might have understood your fears if you guys could have just…talked. Her sister is just being protective because you hurt her. And you won’t be living at home forever. Next year you’ll be on your own and won’t have to be so afraid of your parents finding out.” The specter of independence was the one bright spot on April’s horizon.
Jamie continued. “I’m sad that things with Sterling didn’t work out for you. Maybe you could at least try to talk to her again? You could start with that. If she’s as great as you said she is, she’d probably be willing to listen. You obviously still have feelings for her. She might feel the same way. Maybe you could get back together someday?”
Maybe someday. The words echoed in April’s brain. She had spoken these very words to Sterling at the lock-in, offering a lifeline for the two of them. Sterling had rejected it. Maybe she thought April wasn’t worth it. Maybe she would rather be with someone who wasn’t such a closet case. Maybe….
Maybe maybe maybe. It occurred to April that Sterling had deserved much more than April had given her as explanation for their breakup, even if Sterling had pushed too hard for them to come out as a couple. Why did April have to flirt with Luke? Why did she have to hurt Sterling like that? Startled out of her reverie by Jamie, she spoke matter of factly. “I don’t think so. She won’t even look at me now. And nothing has changed about my situation. My parents, especially my dad, are so hateful and homophobic; it seems like they get worse every day. I’m just hoping they get a divorce soon.”
“Sounds like they don’t exactly embody true Christianity. Jesus came to teach love, not hate. God loves us all, even gays and lesbians!”
“My dad’s behavior is literally the opposite of Christian. He spits on homeless people. He and his more powerful friends are all corrupt. He visits prostitutes and assaults them. He’s already been to jail for it once, but in the trial he got off on a technicality - that being he’s a white male who knew the judge. It’s disgusting. And my mom drinks too much and simpers after him. She thinks it’s HER fault he goes to prostitutes because she’s not a good enough wife to keep his attention. They fight all the time. Our house is a war zone. I hate living with them, and I’m terrified of them finding out I’m a lesbian.”
Jamie sighed. “I’m sorry, April. I think you’re a nice person and you deserve good things. Please at least consider talking to Sterling. I’ll give you my number and when you go back home you can text me if you’d like to talk. Things will get better - I promise you!”
The two girls neared the lake and their campers and the conversation was over. Camp ended three days later and April went home. But the conversation with Jamie stuck with her through the next few weeks. She mulled over it again the last Thursday night before school started again on Monday, alone, in her room. If she were to attempt to talk to Sterling, would Sterling listen? Would Blair even allow her to get close enough to Sterling that April could pour out all of the feelings she didn’t get to tell her at the lock-in? April was pessimistic. Maybe it was better to just leave Sterling alone. April could just focus on her academics and college applications, and wait until she actually got to college to try a relationship again. It was much safer that way.
Friday morning brought a call from Ellen Johnson at Willingham Academy. She was setting up her classroom for the coming year, and could April possibly come and lend a Christian hand? April readily agreed; anything was better than staying home with her angry father and drunk, witless mother.
She arrived at the school at about 9:00. Ellen hugged her. “Hi darlin’! Thank y’all so much for helping out! I’ve been busier than a one-legged cat in a sandbox! I’ve got a ton of boxes in my Volvo - let’s bring them in first.”
They toted boxes for the next half hour, and then April assisted in moving chairs and tables around the room in a circular pattern. Ellen called it a “Sharing Circle”, but April figured it was really Ellen’s way of keeping an eye on the less diligent students in the bunch who tended to follow fewer of the Lord’s directives when not under direct supervision.
“April, honey, have you seen Sterling Wesley recently?”
April’s throat ran dry at Ellen’s seemingly innocent question. “No, we aren’t really friends. Besides, I was at Camp Righteous until a couple of weeks ago.”
“Oh, that’s too bad. I thought maybe y’all had gotten a little closer near the end of the last semester and it seems like Sterling could have used a friend this summer. She went through a traumatic event with her family.”
Traumatic event? Was this what the dark whispers at school had been speculating about prior to last semester’s end? April’s heart stalled. Sterling had a traumatic event? HER Sterling? She stumbled over her words while trying to look uninterested. “Wh-what happened to Sterling?”
“Honey, you’re not going to believe this but she got kidnapped by a relative and held for ransom! I saw her mother at the Piggly Wiggly early this summer and she gave me the short version. I guess there was some sort of a shootout and her boss from work, her mom, and Blair came to her rescue. I’m really not sure of the particulars, but it sounded bad. I had been wondering why Sterling was acting so strangely at school after the lock-in, and even asked her about it but she declined to spill the beans.” Ellen grimaced. “I’d love to know the details.” She thought for a minute. “I suppose it’s possible that I had Debbie Wesley trapped in the cat food aisle and she gave me just enough information to satisfy my curiosity and then escape.”
The image of Debbie Wesley trying to gracefully make an exit from the garrulous but kindly Ellen would have seemed comical if Ellen’s words weren’t washing over April like a tidal wave. Sterling was kidnapped. Sterling could have died. I almost lost her and I never told her how I felt about her.
“Now please don’t say anything to the other students about Sterling, okay?” Sensing she had committed an indiscretion Ellen pleaded for April’s silence in the matter. April assured Ellen she had no intention of spreading the news, citing Proverbs 11:13: “Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets; therefore do not associate with a simple babbler.” Not recognizing herself as a babbler, Ellen was pleased.
Noon rolled around and Ellen beamed at April with gratitude. “Honey, thank y’all so much for helping me get myself together, bless your heart! I’ll see you on Monday, bright and early! God be with y’all!”
April proceeded to her car on autopilot, stumbled inside and rested her head back for a while prior to starting the engine. Her brain felt like it was short-circuiting. She couldn’t prevent the mental images of a helpless and frightened Sterling that pervaded her consciousness.
Confusion reigned. Should she try to talk to Sterling? Would Sterling even speak to her? Would Sterling deign to give her time to the girl that wouldn’t fight for their relationship? And then an even more depressing thought crept in - was April always going to be such a coward? Maybe she wasn’t good enough for Sterling. Maybe Sterling deserved better than someone like April - although April was certain she had been an upgrade from Luke! Someone who was brave enough to show Sterling every single day what she meant to them (she pondered the pronoun, deciding to leave it un-gendered as Sterling was bisexual). Her head hurt. Her thoughts were spiraling…
No. A steely resolve came to April. She was an intelligent, reasonably attractive, assertive Christian woman. She was Fellowship Leader and Captain of the Debate Team. She even had her own hashtag #AprilhelpssickkidsthroughChrist. She could be brave, she thought, recalling her conversation with Jamie at camp, proud that she had finally trusted someone with her secret: telling Jamie she was gay had been incredibly liberating. Thinking about this gave April inspiration. She wanted Sterling to know how she felt. She was going to talk to Sterling tomorrow and Sterling was going to listen.