Chapter Text
“This is crap” the rapper sighs in frustration.
There was no other way to put it besides saying that it was crap, Namjoon thinks.
He has probably read the same lines over and over again for a million times and still, he couldn’t figure out why it’s not working out for him.
As a rapper who posts his content on the internet for little to zero earnings, he has received a surprisingly good amount of positive feedback on his music despite him just starting out. Even his own peers from the underground scene, and some rappers that inspired him to do music, listened to his stuff and referred to him as a ‘musical prodigy’ , even sometimes going to the lengths of saying that he is one of the best lyricists of this generation.
And yet, Namjoon hunched over his notebook at god knows what time, reading his piece over and over and over again. The lyrics had good rhyme, the flow was good, and his signature word play was still there. It was a good song overall, yet it feels like a really bad work of art at the same time.
No matter how much he tries to rewrite every line, it just keeps on giving him the same level of unsatisfactory feeling and it is stressing him out a lot because he has never had this experience with writing his songs before.
He sighed and slipped the piece of paper that caused him so much anxiety in between his notebook.
He knows that there’s no point in obsessing over this one set of lyrics when he just released a new song a few weeks ago, and there was really no pressure for him to come up with another release whatsoever, especially since he does underground work and is his own manager.
But being the person that he is, he couldn’t just leave these ideas in his head unwritten, It will drive him insane. Besides, releasing songs simultaneously, especially now that there’s an audience of avid listeners anticipating his music, it would be a dumb move not to take advantage of this growing interest. This might also help him get a recording deal that will be a huge stepping stone for his career.
His thoughts were cut short when a soft knock came from behind him
His mother peeked from behind the door, “Joonie? It’s past 4 am, why are you still up?”
He hasn’t noticed how much time has passed while he was writing and he mentally slapped himself for being so careless.
“I was just writing some lyrics. I’m sorry, I’ll go to bed soon mom”
“Yes, well since you’re up anyways do you want to share those lyrics with me?” she sits down on the foot of his bed.
Namjoon has always shown his works to his mother, that’s why he felt bad when he needed to deny her of her request, “I wasn’t really feeling what I wrote to be honest”, he chuckles nervously,
“Can I get back to you when I’ve fixed it? I promise I’ll show it to you first once they’re good to go.”
His mother has always been very supportive of him in everything. In fact, when he first started doing music, he was really scared of telling his family about it because he was afraid that they wouldn’t approve. His family was what you would call a typical Asian household, and they value education more than anything. After all, both his parents including his older brother Seokjin are all lawyers who graduated with honors.
To his surprise, they actually took his declaration well and even supported his dream by buying him his first set of musical equipment. Ever since then, he has always shared whatever he came up with to his family first, especially his mother, before sharing it with the world.
But today, he was just not in the mood to share his failure in capturing the feelings he wanted for this song.
“Anything you create is good to me Joonie, I’m sure that you’re just overthinking it and that it is actually really good”, the woman smiles warmly and Namjoon just couldn’t say no to her anymore.
He pulled the stressed piece of paper from his notebook and handed it to his mother, sitting in front of him.
He’s never been nervous when he lets other people read his raw work but as he watches his mother change her expression and nod every now and then, reading every line of his newly written piece, his anxiety just keeps on building up. He was itching to grab the paper from her hand, but he knows that he wouldn’t be able to and so he watches her with so much agitation.
She finally finished reading it with a smile and stood up to give his son a kiss on the forehead. “I told you it was fine. You’re probably just too sleepy to appreciate your own work but this was really good Joon, I really mean it.” And Namjoon smiles fondly at his mother.
She really is the kind of person with so much positivity in her that Namjoon wonders how she could be so positive about everything all the time.
“If you say so,” he laughed a small laugh.
“I am very proud of you Namjoon. I’m very proud to be your mother and no matter what you decide in life, I will always be here supporting you”, She gave her son another kiss on his forehead before being gone in their home to start her day.
The moment Namjoon was left in his bedroom, a heavy feeling that came with her mother’s words dawned upon him.
He doesn’t remember when it started but all he knows is that everything is becoming too burdening for him.
He returned the piece of paper back inside his notebook and got up to get his coat from his closet. He closed his bedroom’s lights and quietly walked past his mother in the kitchen and to their front door. He needed a breather, and so he let the chilly air of Seoul’s early morning engulf him while he rode his bike through its busy streets.
-
“I’ve been sending you to that expensive, god-forbidden school for years even when my body’s about to break just to earn enough money because I want you to have the best education there is, and this is what I get in return?!” Yoongi’s mother’s voice pierced through the silence of the early morning and he was sure that they had just woken up their entire neighbourhood once again.
He wanted nothing else at this moment but to bury himself alive to hide from the embarrassment of his mother lashing out on him for the millionth time.
“Can we please talk about this tomorrow? The neighbours were all probably asleep and we’ve just woken them up…” his voice became smaller by every word and he started biting his nails out of discomfort.
“Can you stop doing that?! Every time I talk to you, you act like you’re being fucking castrated in front of the whole world , can’t I just talk to you without you crying?” she shrieks and Yoongi started shaking on his spot
He didn’t even notice the tears that were streaming down his face until now and he felt his whole body tense even more as he sobs as quietly as he can.
He couldn’t move nor speak, he just wanted to keep his head down and wish that his mother’s wrath will run out soon, so that he can escape this hellhole that they call home.
“Answer me, damn it!”
“Why can’t you talk? Cat got your tongue? Speak!”
“I am so tired of you making me the bad guy here when I am just talking to you, stop fucking crying! I am just asking you a simple question” she takes a deep breath
“why and tell me exactly why did you tell that counsellor or whatever the fuck she is supposed to be that you’re having anxiety or whatever made up thing you think you have?” his mother became so frustrated with the situation that she threw her slipper towards the wall behind Yoongi, nearly missing him just by his ear.
He flinched hard at this and his mother growled even more. “I really don’t know what I’m going to do with you! You are hopeless! Go ruin your own life, I don’t care anymore! but you better attend school tomorrow and not make me look bad in front of our relatives again”
His mother is now looking at him with pure disgust and Yoongi has managed to keep his head down all throughout. He knew better than to look back at those evil eyes.
“Your existence itself is enough disgrace for me” she sneered at him before making her way towards her room, slamming the door shut at his face.
Once he’s sure that she wouldn’t be able to hear him anymore, he exhaled out loud and wiped his tears using the back of his hands.
If only he could speak when she does and tell her how heavy he feels inside these days, that even he himself couldn’t understand the feeling and he just needs someone who will help him do so
If only he can tell her that no amount of words can express how much he wants to just fade away in great hope that this feeling might also fade away with him, If only he didn’t tense up whenever his mother talks to him, if only he was able to…
It’s past 4 am now and he knows that he wouldn’t be able to sleep even if he tried to, so he picks up his coat from the chair near the front door and left his mother alone in their little piece of hell.
-
He ordered his usual Cold brewed Americano despite the freezing weather, and was thankful when his favourite booth at the corner of the coffee shop was vacant. He made himself comfortable on the brown couch as he normally does and took out his phone.
There was a message from his best friend Taehyung that was sent just a few minutes ago and he wonders why he was still up.
Taehyung the cute horny virgin :
Hey wanna skip school and watch the new avengers movie today?
Yonhers :
Why are you still awake?
And yeah sure I guess
Taehyung the cute horny virgin :
Well I was stalking this really hot dude that I met on stan twitter
he doesn’t really know that I found his personal account (still not sure if this is really him tbh) but I think I’m inlove YOOONGIIIIII, I THINK THIS IS IT
THE DICK IVE BEEN PRAYING FOR HAS FINALLY ARRIVED
ILL FINALLY BE DEFLOWERED
ARE YOU HAPPY FOR ME?????
…also do you want me to pay for you this time or…
YOONGI HE’S REALLY SO HOT OMYGIODEOHECD
[2 images attached]
IF THIS IS REALLY HIM IM GONNA EAT MY FIST
Taehyung the cute horny virgin changed his nickname to Taehyung the cute soon not to be virgin
Yonhers :
…
nah, I can pay for myself
where do you want to meet?
the usual?
btw you’re probably just being cat fished again, I wouldn’t trust anyone on that bird app if I were you. It might end up being a creepy old dude behind that account for all you know
Taehyung the cute soon not to be virgin:
He is not a creepy old dude!!!!
He said we’re the same age so suck that up!!!!!
I think you’re just jealous bc I might be getting dicked down soon while you’re gonna be stuck a sad virgin :P BOOHOO
Yonhers :
im not really into dicks as much you think I am but aight
Taehyung the cute soon not to be virgin:
Liar
Yonhers :
horny virgin
Taehyung the cute soon not to be virgin:
True but you’re still a bitter liar :P
Yonhers :
Asshole
Taehyung the cute soon not to be virgin:
Just admit you like dicks as much as everyone else
Yonhers :
K
Taehyung the cute soon not to be virgin :
I promise you’ll find the dick for you soon
And if mine ends up having hot friends, I’ll definitely ask him to set you up with him … or them (if ur into that) ;)
DON’T BE SAD JUST BECAUSE IM GONNA LOOSE MY VIRGINITY BEFORE YOU DO, I PROMISE TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT HIS DICK FROM SHAPE TO SIZE AND THICKNESS
Yonhers :
Jesus, can you stop saying the d word for one second
Taehyung the cute soon not to be virgin :
dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick DIICCCCKKKKKKKKK, yoongi likes dicks
Yonhers :
I hope you burn slowly in hell
Taehyung the cute soon not to be virgin :
dick :P
Yoongi returned his phone back inside his coat’s pocket and let the cold beverage enter his system. Coffee has always made him calm for some reason and he was thankful that his favourite shop was open 24 hours so that he could have some time like this for himself whenever an occurrence like earlier happens.
He likes to just sit there for hours, staring at the busy streets of Seoul through the clear glass walls of the shop while he enjoys his Americano.
How people could just be so carefree strolling on the streets and laughing so heartily with their friends, as if they don’t carry any problems or baggage with them is beyond Yoongi.
He often wonders if these people are as weightless as they appear to be, or if they’re just really good at pretending, that they could’ve fooled anyone into thinking just that. Whatever the truth might be, he admits that he’s jealous of other people having such ability.
Suddenly, a tall man wearing an expensive looking crème coloured coat entered the coffee shop. He was wearing a black mask and you could barely see his eyes through his messy light brown hair that’s mostly covering them.
There were only three people in the shop, four if you include the new arrival. He approaches the half-asleep employee behind the counter. The man did not order any drink, which surprised the worker, but instead got two cinnamon rolls for dine in and settled at the table next to Yoongi’s booth.
Yoongi didn’t really notice when the man sat down just a few spaces from him as he was still getting lost in the scenery of the busy city. The man on the other hand noticed him and his soft pink pajamas that were peeking from underneath his black coat.
He smiled under his mask because he found the contrast of Yoongi’s attire cute.
He then proceeded to eat one of his cinnamon rolls when his eyes settled on Yoongi once again. He couldn’t help but stare at this small and very pale human besides him, with his nose so red from the coldness and his cheeks so puffy, the man wonders how soft they would feel to touch.
Yoongi continues to be deep in thought as he drinks his Americano and the man wonders if he feels him staring so he looks away
The man eventually finishes his cinnamon roll fast and realizes that he was already full after eating just one piece.
He glances at Yoongi once again who is now looking like he might just fall asleep on the spot, and thought this might be the prettiest man he has ever seen. Without another thought, the brown haired man stood up, holding the untouched cinnamon roll in one of his hands and putting it down on Yoongi’s table.
Yoongi was then taken away from his thoughts and his eyes searched for the owner of the hand that placed the cinnamon roll down on his table. He couldn’t see his face because he was wearing a mask but he wouldn’t forget the way this person’s eyes sparkled when their eyes met. “What’s this? I didn’t order any cinnamon roll”, he looked confused and he tried to sound more polite than accusing.
People have told him in the past that he tends to sound rude even when he does not mean to, so he’s been trying his best to work on that ever since.
“I had an extra roll and thought you might want it since you didn’t seem to have ordered any food.”
Yoongi just stares at him, dumbfounded, so Namjoon continues,
“It’s probably gonna go to waste if I take it home because I kind of overestimated myself thinking that I was hungry enough for two but I guess I was wrong,” the man laughed at his own words and Yoongi could’ve sworn that he has heard that voice before, but he couldn’t put his finger on it.
Before he can even come up with a reply, the tall man already said his goodbye and was walking away fast towards the exit and into the busy street.
“thanks,” Yoongi mutters.
He looked down at the cinnamon roll in front of him, still wondering where he heard that voice.
He wasn’t sure what it was during that time but there was this strange, warm feeling that his body felt when that person crinkled his eyes as he spoke; he was probably smiling behind the mask, he thought. Nevertheless, he ate the free Cinnamon roll with his drink and by the time he was done, he figured he should go home to change before meeting Taehyung for the movie