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The anxiety had been steadily building up since the cctv fiasco anxiety worming it’s way up his throat so close to spilling over.
Callum thought he might have snapped by now he nearly did that day with Ben, being so sweet and supportive.
He doesn’t want to arrest Phil he may not like the guy but he is still Ben’s dad he’s still family and that is something he always wanted to experience.
Seeing Ben so close to being arrested leaving in the car in just the nick of time nearly made him cry with relief.
He was home now in bed with Ben. Ben was chatting to him but he couldn’t hear he was to busy spiralling into his thoughts about the mess he was in.
They got lucky today. Fuck he got lucky he could of been found out so quickly. He doesn’t want Ben to find out like this fuck he just doesn’t want Ben to find out at all.
But he will he ain’t daft he suspects something isn’t right it’s just a matter of time yeah?
Callum was brought back to the future with Ben looking at him worry and confusion all over his face.
“I was talking to you babe didn’t you hear”
Callum tried to lie but the words seemed so far away in his fucking chest and fuck he can’t breath.
“Hey Cal are you listening?”
His chest so was so tight, so fucking tight with months of worry and stress and so much fucking self hatred
“Cal babe are you okay?”
That’s the big question isn’t it are you okay? He known he is not okay he hasn’t been for so long because he’s so scared so worried so angry and fuck no matter what he’s fucked and he wants the fear to just stop.
“Cal babe tell me what’s wrong”
And all he wants to do is break down but fuck he can’t because then he knows he will tell Ben everything because he’s fucking weak like when he couldn’t handle the nightmares from the army so Ben has to hold him tight through the night so he won’t fucking breakdown.
“Cal please you’re scaring me please”
He’s fucking weak that’s why he can’t handle Thompson that’s why he’s in this mess because he’s weak and he can’t look after the people he loves.
“Callum please say something”
Everything he touches he fucks up.
Callum vaguely senses a warm hand in his hair it’s grounding and it feels familiar and he instantly knows its Ben. It feels far away though like a distant memory he needs to hold on to because once Ben finds out what a fucking failure and disgrace he is Ben will go.
“ C’mon babe you can do it”
Callum closes his eyes and tries to ground himself to Ben’s voice and the warmth of his body. His chest feels less tight and his breaths are slowing, the overwhelming panic seemed to ease with Ben’s voice slowly coaching him out of the panic attack.
“Hey babe you had me worried there for a sec” Ben’s voice was lighthearted trying to ease up the tension that was drowning the room. But the worry in Ben’s face showed how scared he really was.
Ben softly placed a kiss in Callum’s hair and wrapped his arms around him as if to shield him from his thoughts.
Callum opened his mouth to apologise as he fought to ignore the self hate that crept up on him for being the reason that Ben was worried.
As if Ben read his own thoughts he spoke softly as if he was scared of upsetting him further “No babe you don’t say sorry it’s not your fault but please tell me what’s going on.”
“Nothing babe honest”
“Fuck babe that’s rubbish please tell me you’ve not been right for ages don’t lie to me please.”
Shit ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He briefly debated if he should lie or not but if he did Ben would tell.
Taking a deep breath as if to ground himself for the inevitable fallout this would bring he told the truth.
“I’m being blackmailed by Thompson. I couldn’t get rid of the CCTV and Thompson knew I’m with you . I have to get Phil arrested to save you or we both get sent down.”
He let out a shuddery breath and refused to look at Ben he didn’t want to see the disgust he knew would be on his face.
“He made he wear a fucking wire but I couldn’t do it shit I had to plant a bug in the arches. “I just couldn’t see you in prison I didn’t want to see Lexi without a dad. I’m sorry he used me fuck I’m sorry Ben”
“Say something please” “What do you mean you’d get sent down why?”
Ben’s voice was quite a hint of confusion but he still hasn’t let go of Callum. Callum at least felt thankful that he hadn’t left him yet.
“I assaulted Danny on the day of Stu’s wedding he was threatening you I’d just planted the bug in the arches.”
“Thompson yeah DI Dickhead?”
Callum laughed despite himself “yep that one.”
“Okay babe stand up.” Callum looked up confused your not leaving?”
“No we’re getting rid of Thompson with Dad then we’re going to talk about this together okay.”
Callum nodded and for the first time he felt lighter.