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As much as Hyunjin wished for the phone to stop ringing, it didn’t.
“What the fuck,” he growled picking it up with his eyes still closed.
“Good morning to you too Jinnie. Has your friend checked on our project yet?”
“What,” murmured Hyunjin flatly rubbing his face.
“If not, send it to me and I’ll do it ‘cause today is the deadline, and we can’t be late again I told you so many times already that we’ll fuck the whole semester up if we won’t do it,” Jisung rambled without even a short break for a breath.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m sending it to her this instant,” Hyunjin sighed getting up.
“Only now? Are you kidding me? Have you even asked if she has time for it?”
Still half-asleep he opened his laptop and barely logged in since he wrote the wrong password twice before finally getting it right. The view swam before his eyes as he tried to get himself together. He went out with his friends last night and it didn’t seem like he sobered out at all while sleeping.
“Calm down. She already agreed to help me. Besides, I told you we were helping each other out for years now.”
Rubbing his eyes with his free hand Hyunjin sighed searching for the right file.
“Honestly why am I always naming everything as “Project” with just a fucking number,” he mumbled irritated.
“I should organize it by the date.”
“Maybe you should introduce her to me, hm?”
“Who?”
“Your friend. Introduce her to me. I’d love to meet her,” repeated Jisung dreamily.
The way he spoke about you always made Hyunjin feel uneasy.
“I don’t think so. I don’t like your tone when you mention her,” he answered without missing a beat while typing in a search bar.
“Oh come on, I’m your best friend Jinnie just as she is – we already have you in common. Maybe we’d be perfect for each other, you don’t know that,” Jisung whined and Bangchan laughed somewhere in the background.
“I like her Jisung,” Hyunjin said in a serious voice.
“I won’t introduce her to you until I’ll become her partner and there is a long way to that point yet.”
“God aren’t you a possessive little shit,” grumbled his friend.
“It’s not like that. Or at least I don’t want it to be like that. I’m just worried she might actually like you back,” sighed Hyunjin quietly.
He had been worrying constantly that you’d replace him even though he knew you wouldn’t do that. That knowledge didn’t stop his treacherous brain from creating newer and newer scenarios where you just leave him on his own. He was working on his insecurities but sometimes it wasn’t enough and it was hard to ignore those thoughts. You were important to him, and he didn’t want to lose you but it was also difficult to tell you this – somewhere at the back of his head still was that thought that men shouldn’t show their emotions and be affectionate. He was fighting against it too.
“I’m kind of torn between yelling at you and patting your back sympathetically,” said Bangchan who clearly took the phone from Jisung’s hands.
“You see Hyunjin, I do understand your fear and that it’s hard to overcome. I’m not saying that your fear is stupid or that others have it worse – no, they don’t because no one has exactly the same fears as you. However, I think you need to talk it out with her otherwise you’ll regret it. I’m sure that she’ll support you in your fight but you need to give her a chance. I know her and you know too – she won’t intrude into your life because that’s not in her nature. You need to open up to her first.”
Hyunjin sat quiet for a while mindlessly scrolling through his files.
“I know that Chan,” he sighed finally.
“I want to give her that chance but I just can’t find the right timing to bring it up.”
“There is no right timing Hyunjin and that’s something you should know already,” pointed the older man calmly.
“It’s just that we’re still working on it and even though we both confessed I still don’t feel reassured,” said Hyunjin softly.
“That’s just how the relationship is you know – you have to constantly work on it. Otherwise, it’ll end badly.”
“Yeah, I know that Chan.”
Hyunjin suddenly remembered his last relationship and it really didn’t help in sorting his feelings out. It was just so difficult to look at it from the distance and judge without emotion.
“Jisung is asking if you have sent it already.”
Bangchan’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts. Thanks to sorting it by the creation date he finally found the file he was searching for.
“I just did,” he answered pressing the ‘send’ button.
Something didn’t feel right however – looking closely at the dates he noticed that there were two files made on the same day in a span of three hours.
“Just wait a second. Don’t hang up.”
The bad feeling proved to be true as Hyunjin opened the other file and saw his neatly done history project.
“Fuck,” he whispered in horror.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
“What?” asked Bangchan curiously.
Hyunjin sobered immediately – the realization of what he sent to you hit him like a brick right in the face.
“I’m such an idiot oh my fucking god. I can’t read,” he cried out hiding his face in his hands.
“Yeah, we know that already but why are you experiencing this revelation right now?”
“I just send her a video of me masturbating,” Hyunjin deadpanned combing fingers through his hair.
Jisung snorted in the background.
“You’re an idiot indeed.”
“God-fucking-dammit I really need to change those names. I can’t believe I did that. I want to die,” Hyunjin said entirely done with himself.
“Maybe call her and tell her to not open it?” suggested Sung clearly amused.
“She knows me, and she’ll think it’s suspicious because, well, it really is unlike me. It’s not like she’ll open it out of spite, but she might think that I don’t trust her or something.”
“Then go to her for fuck’s sake. You made a mistake but you can explain it to her. Don’t create more obstacles on your way Hyunjin,” scolded him Bangchan.
“You’re right, yeah, I should get going,” hummed Hyunjin standing up.
“No!” yelled Jisung.
“Send this fucking project to me. Otherwise, we’ll fail for fuck’s sake.”
“Shit you’re right. Done.”
“Thank god,” Jisung muttered clearly irritated.
“I really need to go now,” sighed Hyunjin looking around his room for something to wear.
“Get yourself together before you leave the house. I don’t need to see you to know that you look like a fucking mess,” laughed Chan and hung up.
“Goddammit he’s right,” murmured Hyunjin looking at himself in the mirror.
He looked like he had died and raised from the dead: his hair dishevelled, eyes red, dirty t-shirt that wasn’t even his. Hyunjin groaned and went to the bathroom to take a quick shower. He didn’t have time to ponder carefully what to wear as he always did when he was going to see you. He just quickly threw on a pair of sweats and a hoodie, slipped shoes on and locked the door – all this in a span of minutes.
To say he ran to your apartment wouldn’t be an exaggeration. He was completely out of breath when he finally reached your door and started knocking like crazy. He was so out of it that when you opened said door he almost hit you.
“What the fuck?” you asked dodging just in time.
Even though you looked soft in your too big t-shirt that served as your pajama and with your hair messy the glare you gave him wasn’t soft at all.
“H-hi?” Hyunjin managed to say as he suddenly forgot how to talk.
You blinked in the answer. You didn’t look happy to see him at all. In fact, you looked like you wanted to strangle him and not in a good way. Definitely not in a good way.
“Did you check the mail already?” Hyunjin asked urgently grabbing the hem of your t-shirt and trying to ignore the aura surrounding you.
You blinked twice with an uninterested expression.
“Is this why you woke me up at 6AM on Saturday?” you finally asked slowly.
Your voice had that dangerous edge in it that made him back away immediately.
“Yes?” he laughed awkwardly looking at his shoes.
“Are you asking me or what,” you grumbled clearly irritated rubbing your forehead.
“Get in,” you said only before turning around clearly going back to your bedroom.
Hyunjin took off his shoes and followed you quickly. When he entered the room, you were sitting on the bed with your laptop on your lap.
“Should I check the mail?” you asked looking up at him.
“Aren’t you mad at me?”
“Of course I am Hyunjin. I thought we had an agreement that included not visiting so early in the mornings as we both treasure our sleep schedules. For example today I went to sleep not even two hours ago and I’m tired as hell,” you said with a smile that was far from genuine.
“But I also know you and I know it must be an important matter, so I have no choice but to forgive you. You’ll make it up for me later,” you added with an expression that made him blush.
“Well, it is important,” he managed to say avoiding your stare.
“Is it connected to the mailbox? You straight up ignored my question if I should check it, you know.”
“Um, yes,” he answered still stubbornly looking at the floor.
You didn’t like that – it made you feel not only worried but also suspicious. Hyunjin was always unconsciously moving away from and wasn’t looking at people when something has happened, and he felt distressed about it. If you wanted to learn the reason behind his behaviour, you had to get over your deep irritation cause by being awakened at this godforsaken hour.
“Mind sitting next to me Hyunjin?” you said with a smile softly patting the bed.
He rubbed the back of his head awkwardly clearly surprised by the change of your attitude but carefully sat on the very edge of your bed. You decided to let the fact that he purposefully left quite a lot of space between you two slip.
“Can you move closer to me?” you asked looking at him seriously to which he nodded slowly standing up and approached you.
Years of close friendship naturally taught you how to read his emotions – to tell he was conflicted now would be an understatement, really. Yes, he sat directly next to you but he wasn’t looking at you while his muscles were visibly tensed.
“I might not know what’s going on Hyunjin,” you said gently caressing his hand.
“But I also won’t be able to help you if you’re not going to explain to me the reason why are you here now.”
Hyunjin took a few deep breaths trying to calm down his galloping heart. Your voice, your touch and smell – they were surrounding him like a warm blanket making him feel safe.
“I have mistaken the files,” he started slowly as he turned his hand to grasp your tightly.
He was quiet for a while pondering silently over the way he felt at that moment. All the stress that weighed him down for the past half of an hour seemed to slowly drift away from the very moment he saw you. Your very presence was comforting to him as you were patiently waiting for him to continue firmly holding his hand in yours.
“I sent you something I didn’t want to by accident.”
“Do you want to tell me what that file contains?” you asked softly tilting your head.
The blush gradually spread down his neck and collarbones as he shook his head quickly. You extended your arm to massage his back reassuringly only to freeze when he flinched as if trying to move away from you.
“Hyunjin.”
Your voice was so quiet and soft that it surprised even yourself.
“Come to me, please?”
The man looked up at you from under his eyelashes, his eyes teary and cheeks covered in red uneven stains. Little by little he crawled over to you and laid by your side hiding his face in the fabric of your t-shirt.
“I did something that makes me feel both embarrassed and proud of myself because I created it just for you to see and none else could ever see it except for you,” he started talking in a rush, stumbling over his words as if trying to say them as quickly as possible.
“But for some reason I don’t feel ready to show it to you yet and I’m really sorry. I want to, I swear I want to show it to you. You’re mad at me, aren’t you? I feel like I disappointed you, like I betrayed your trust in some way. God, I’m so sorry, I’m-.”
“Hyunjin,” you said in a voice that signalized him to stop talking this instant.
“If you’re not ready to show it to me, then there is nothing to explain. You’ll do it when you’re ready.”
He raised his head to look at you immediately while you closed your laptop and put it aside.
“Really?” he asked softly as if afraid of your answer.
“Really,” you answered gently caressing his tangled hair.
“Come here,” you added patting your lap with an encouraging smile.
He slowly climbed on top of you and hugged you tightly hiding his face in your shoulder. You gently caressed his hair as he was calming down: his muscles relaxed, breath slowed down.
“I’m not going to rush you Hyunjin. Never.” you said placing a kiss on the top of his head.
“Just so you know I’m not going to delete that message. But I’m not going to open it until you tell me that you’re okay with me watching that. Okay?”
“Okay,” he murmured softly.
You smiled seeing how the tips of his ears became red.
“Cute,” you chuckled placing another kiss on his temple.
“I’d like us to watch it together one day,” he murmured shyly.
“Anytime babe.”
Hyunjin smiled into the fabric of your t-shirt – there was no other place he wanted to right now. It felt like home, no, you felt like home. All he wanted was to stay in your arms forever.