Work Text:
The second Hange found the letter they almost couldn't believe it.
They had been tidying up Levi's desk while the raven haired man was asleep at his chair. When Levi slept, which he rarely did, it was hard to get him out of it so Hange didn't worry about waking him up while they cleaned up around him.
This was obviously something Levi used to do religiously on his own, but after Erwin's death the man had seemed to allow himself to be tired more often.
Hange didn’t blame him. It took a lot out of Levi to have made that decision. They noticed Levi really hadn’t ever been the same since. It has been four years since Erwin’s death, and two weeks since Levi went back and brought Erwin’s body back for a proper burial. The past two weeks had been extremely hard on him, so Hange continued to clean Levi’s desk while he slept until they came upon something. Something Levi had been writing and was tucked away under a small notebook that Levi kept.
It was a letter. Hange knew Levi practiced writing a lot, mostly because he had never been taught how to read or write growing up until he became part of the Survey Corps and Erwin had taught him how to do so. They still remembered how nervous Levi had been becoming Captain and realizing that job came with writing reports.
Hange had been in the room when Levi, very much out of character, went up to Erwin and whispered that he needed help writing and reading. Hange was sure Levi thought they didn’t hear him, but they had and Hange didn’t spend time judging him for it. It wasn’t their place to do so. So the letter written on his desk didn’t grab Hange’s attention really until they read whom it was addressed to.
Hange looked at Levi, realizing that, yes, he was sound asleep and lifted the letter into their hands. Hange’s eyes had widened and they began reading what was transcribed down on two sheets of paper.
“Dearest Erwin.
You really had to go and die on me? I warned you this would happen, but you had to be a frustrating fuck didn’t you? Listen. I don’t know if the afterlife bullshit those religious freaks boasted about is real or not. I don’t even know why I feel the need to write this sad excuse for a fucking letter, but. I guess it makes me feel better, I suppose. Maybe one day I can read it to you? If I am even sent to the same fucking place as you in the ‘afterlife’. I don’t deserve to go to a place as bright as you did.
I miss you. Every day. The fucking kids were right, Erwin. The ocean does exist. It smelt fucking disgusting, but even then I wish you could of seen it. You would of acted like an idiot fucking monkey filled with excitement if you had. It was so blue. Who knows what the fuck’s in it, but. It reminded me of your eyes. It hurt looking at it. I couldn’t stay near the edge of the water with everyone for very long. I felt sick remembering you. Fuck the ocean. I hate the ocean.
Everything is harder without you. Hange is trying their best, but nothing is the same. The world feels like it’s falling apart more than it ever has been. Your father was right, by the way. About the people outside of the walls. I wish you had been there to see it. Every day I think about if I had made the right decision or not. I regret it some times, and then other times when I see the fucking kid’s face light up I think maybe I did make the right choice, but then the kid becomes depressed. Armin didn’t like that I saved him over you.
I know my life fucking lesson to everyone is to never regret the decisions you make, and only move forward type bullshit, but. I will always regret you. I will regret how much I let you in. How we’d lay together and dream ridiculous dreams that we both knew would never happen. You held me like no other. You kissed me. Breathed me in. Sometimes I felt like I was melting into your body and became only an extension of you. If I hadn’t let you in so deep, maybe all of this wouldn’t hurt so much.
I never thought I’d ever say this, but I miss how much you made my ass ache. I miss the marks you’d leave on my body. I miss your stupid teasing laugh. I miss your smile. I miss your lies. I miss how much you liked my shitty jokes.
It’s hard to be Captain anymore. It’s hard. Everything is so so SO much harder, Erwin. I never truly realized how easy you had made things for me and everyone until you were gone. And those fucking brats will never understand how much you’ve done. What you have done. How much you did for them. It infuriates me still hearing people call you a monster like that wasn’t something we wished upon you. It makes me mad when people treat you like you weren’t human and you didn’t care even while you’re dead. None of the 104th understood you. Well, Armin did.
Yet. I can’t hate them for it. They were just subordinates under your command. They weren’t meant to make a relationship with you. Neither was I, but I fell. I fell into you so many nights.
Maybe I regret letting you in, Erwin, but. I don’t regret loving you. So thank you. Your last words to me were thank you so… I want mine to be thank you too.
Thank you for bringing me to the surface. Thank you for showing me how it feels to be outside the walls. Thank you for believing in my strength before anyone else in the Corps did. Thank you for finding the budget to make sure I always had my favorite tea. Thank you for teaching me how to read and write. Thank you for never judging me for being thirty years old at the time and not knowing how to read or write. Thank you for listening to me rant all those nights. Thank you for putting up with my attitude. Thank you for stopping me from killing you. Thank you for kissing me. Teaching me love. Teaching me dreams. Thank you, Erwin, for giving me my freedom.
I don’t know how you felt about me emotionally, but. I love you Erwin. I still do and always will.
This letter is cringey as fuck and makes me feel like some fucking love sick teenager, but my words are the truth. I love you. Fuck the Beast Titan and fuck death. I hope to see you again, whether it be when I die or maybe if another life exists. I’ll find you. So, Thank you.
Signed, Levi.”
When Hange finished the letter, they sat it down on the desk with shaking hands. They had to fend off tears. The whole thing was entirely heartbreaking and Hange immediately regretted reading it. They had read something so private to Levi. Hange had no idea Levi had sat down and decided to write a letter to their dead friend… No. Erwin was more to Levi than a friend. They knew Levi would be very upset if he had known they had read it, but… In a way it made Hange realize just how human Levi was as well.
They placed it back where they found it and took one look at Levi, frowning and feeling incredibly worried and protective of their friend. Levi was all Hange had left and that made Hange realise that, truthfully, Hange was all Levi had left either. So they had to stay close.
Before they left the room, Hange grabbed a thin blanket and draped it over Levi’s body, leaning down and pressing a small kiss to the top of Levi’s head.
“He loved you too, Levi, so much. I saw it in his eyes every time he looked at you. Good night,” Hange whispered into the small man’s hair. When they left, they closed the door with a soft click and Levi opened his eyes and watched the door close with warm cheeks and a heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach.