Archive of Our Own ^beta

junmyeon’s phone buzzes just as he finishes his journal entry. it’s colorful today, and there are stains on his fingers from the markers that he’s using. it’s cool in his bedroom, almost a hair too cold for him to be comfortable. he contemplates grabbing a blanket from his bed. there’s a bunny plushie sitting on his desk, behind his monitor, smiling at him, a gift from-

his phone buzzes again, and this time junmyeon looks at the text messages illuminating his screen. 

are you ready? 1:36 am

can we ft? 1:38 am

junmyeon smiles at the messages, as short and sweet as the sender. he’s only in a sweater, one he bought at an overpriced thrift store downtown, and his boxers. he’s too comfortable and too lazy to get up and grab a pair of sweatpants to put on, and it’s not like baekhyun hasn’t seen him in lesser clothing. 

sure. i’ll call （＾－＾） read 1:39 am

he doesn’t waste any time in going to baekyun’s contact entry and starting their daily facetime call. after being long distance for almost three years now, he’s really come to cherish their daily calls, regardless of whether they were video chatting or not. 

baekhyun never fails to brighten up even his darkest days. 

baekhyun also doesn’t waste any time in answering, gracing junmyeon with a bright, boxy smile when the call connects. junmyeon’s smiling back at him before he even realizes. 

“you’re late today.” it’s 5 o’clock in seoul, where baekhyun is, and they typically try to talk before midnight junmyeon’s time. it’s funny, really, how he’s only an ocean (and japan) away, yet they’re 16 hours apart. 

“filming with chanyeol went on longer than i thought it would. we filmed an hour’s worth of the witcher before chanyeol’s dumbass realized that he forgot to record the actual game.” baekhyun looks annoyed, his eyes rolling at the mention of his best friend. his tone is  fond. “we ended up having to start completely over.”

“that sucks” junmyeon nods his head in sympathy. he’s had a similar thing happen to him, where he filmed an entire art supply haul without pressing the record button on his camera. “at least you were able to start over.”

“yeah.” baekhyun is sitting at his desk, his phone presumably propped up on one of his monitors. he’s got the ceiling light on and a few strands of his hair are standing up, as if they were trying to reach it. it’s ridiculously endearing. junmyeon loves him so much. “but enough about me. how was your day, myeonie?” 

junmyeon’s cheeks warm at the nickname. baekhyun is now resting his head in the crook of his elbow, his arms folded over his gaming keyboard. his cheek looks especially pokeable in this position. 

“minseok tried to make macaroni and cheese for lunch today. we’ve only just managed to completely air out the smell of burnt cheese from our apartment.” minseok was, to put it simply, a disaster in the kitchen. the only reason why he was even in there to begin with was because junmyeon has been too anxious to cook anything. he doesn’t tell baekhyun that.

“i miss you.” baekhyun’s voice is slightly muffled from the position he’s sitting in, but junmyeon hears him loud and clear. 

junmyeon cradles both of his knees to his chest, resting the side of his body against the back of his desk chair. he frowns at the slightly blurry image of his boyfriend on his phone screen. “i miss you too.”

there’s a finger stroking the camera lens (or at least that’s what junmyeon thinks is happening, if the way the screen rhythmically blackens every other second is anything to go by), and baekhyun has a wistful look on his face. “i can’t wait to finally see you. and hug you. and kiss your cheeks. god, i really wanna kiss your cheeks, hyung.”

junmyeon’s heart seizes up in his chest at the mention of a meet up. don’t get him wrong, he wants nothing more than to have his baekhyun in his arms, but the thought of them meeting… in person … 

junmyeon feels a bit of panic creeping up his throat, swirling around in his belly. 

“have you eaten yet?” junmyeon decides to change the subject, tries his best to ignore the way the edges of baekhyun’s smile start to droop, the way his heart throbs for being the cause. 

“no not yet,” baekhyun says, switching positions, propping his head up in his right (or maybe his left? camera reflections are confusing) hand, his elbow on his desk. “we’re waiting for kyungsoo to come over before deciding on anything.”

“ah.”

“what did you and minseok hyung end up eating? i’m guessing it wasn’t his burnt mac and cheese.” the edges of baekhyun’s mouth start to curve upwards again, coaxing junmyeon’s own into doing the same. “though i’m sure it would’ve been delicious.”

“we went to in and out,” junmyeon replies, moving one arm to push his bangs away from his eyes. “i got a shake and fries.”

“you gotta take me when i come to la. i gotta see if it’s really worth the hype.” 

“don’t worry, it isn’t.” junmyeon wrinkles his nose, the way he knows will make baekhyun coo and tease him. “you’re not missing out on anything.”

they continue to talk, baekhyun’s smooth, warm voice lulling him to sleep. this is junmyeon’s favorite part of his day, listening and falling asleep to baekhyun talking about any and everything. his dreams are often sweeter when baekhyun hums or sings. when he finds that his eyelids are getting too heavy and his head bobbing too much, he moves to his bed, his phone and his baekhyun cradled in his hand. when he’s settled beneath his blue duvet, he props his phone up on the pillow next to his, baekhyun’s face smiling gently at him through the screen.

“i love you, myeonie. sweet dreams~” is the last thing he hears before he allows sleep to take over. 

❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀

baekhyun had originally met junmyeon on twitter, completely on accident. jongdae sometimes uses his twitter account (since, for some odd reason, he refuses to create his own) to keep up with LTK, a c-pop group that was rapidly gaining popularity in korea. while trying to find korean subs for a variety show that the trio had appeared on, jongdae had, somehow, found himself on junmyeon’s twitter page, browsing through some of the fanart that the latter had uploaded. 

baekhyun had only three rules for when jongdae used his twitter: don’t follow anyone, don’t message anyone, and don’t accidentally like any tweets .

guess which rule jongdae had broken. 

next thing baekhyun knew, he was looking at a dm from junmyeon himself, thanking him for liking his fanart and for the extra followers that doing so had given him (baekhyun had a pressty sizable following on the app at the time; junmyeon was still a smaller account). baekhyun found out that junmyeon was cute , and the rest is history. 

baekhyun doesn’t think that he has ever loved anyone as much as he loves junmyeon. 

junmyeon was incredible. he was so smart and sweet and had these moments where he was just so cute that baekhyun wanted to walk across the ocean and bundle him up in a bunch of blankets and protect him from the world. everything that junmyeon did or said was so endearing , making baekhyun’s heart squeeze and ache in his chest every time they spoke.

and the first time they spoke on the phone? facetimed? baekhyun was screwed, screwed in the best way possible. 

junmyeon is his baby (older than him, but his baby nonetheless), his beautiful, incredibly anxious baby that is an ocean and too many hours away from him. and it hurts, it really does, when junmyeon tries to (not so) subtly worm his way out of meeting baekhyun in real life. baekhyun tries to be understanding, tries to understand that junmyeon does want to see him in person just as much as baekhyun does, but it’s hard.

sometimes he can’t help but wonder if that day would ever come.

he’s watching junmyeon paint a sky across a small canvas, soft dream-like music pairing with junmyeon’s equally as soft voice playing in the background. he gives a fluffy, white cloud bunny ears. baekhyun’s heart can’t take it. 

“stop smiling at your phone, it's weird.” jongdae’s voice cuts through baekhyun’s earbuds. he sits down next to him on the couch, leaning over his shoulder to peek at what he’s watching.

“hello to you too, jongdae.” is baekhyun’s reply, angling his phone away. jongdae wouldn’t be able to see junmyeon’s face regardless, junmyeon never shows his face in his videos, but still . privacy. 

“c’mon, lemme see,” jongdae whines. “i wanna watch, too.”

baekhyun rolls his eyes before reorienting himself, allowing jongdae to pull an earbud out to put into his own ear. “be nice.”

“aren’t i always?” 

they finish junmyeon’s video in silence, aside from the occasional awed sound from jongdae at the little details junmyeon manages to add to his little painting. baekhyun could feel his chest puff out a little in pride. his baby is talented. 

“he’s cute.” jongdae says, once the video ends. baekhyun hears the door to their apartment opening, kyungsoo and chanyeol announcing their arrival. “but i wouldn’t have ever put you two together, if i’m being honest.”

“fair enough.” baekhyun shrugs as he sets his phone on the coffee table, next to an empty chinese takeout box. they really needed to clean. “opposites attract, i guess.”

“not always,” kyungsoo pipes in, walking over to them with chanyeol in tow. “remember taeyong?”

baekhyun groans. “please never bring him up again.”

kyungsoo shrugs in response, opting to set down a plastic bag that baekhyun hadn’t realized he was carrying onto the coffee table. “i brought snacks.”

chanyeol sits down in the living chair, tugging kyungsoo down with him, much to the latter’s chagrin. “so what’re we playing tonight?” 

“i finally, finally , managed to get a code for valorant, so i was thinking we could stream a few rounds of that.” baekhyun could probably upload the highlights to his youtube channel. “took me for fucking ever .”

“careful. you plan on kissing junmyeon with that mouth?” jongdae looks too smug at his very unclever comment, chanyeol chortles from where he’s sat under kyungsoo. it’s an ugly sound. baekhyun sends him a glare. 

“how is bunny boy, anyway?” kyungsoo asks. baekhyun glances at the clock above the tv. he’s still got a couple of minutes before they’re set to stream. “any closer to seeing him?”

“he’s fine, and no.” baekhyun sighs. “he keeps dodging me whenever i ask.”

“might be nerves,” kyungsoo shrugs, unwrapping chanyeol’s arms from around his waist. lucky bastard. “i’m sure he’ll come around.”

chanyeol whines when kyungsoo stands, quiets when the latter presses a kiss to his temple. jongdae gags, squeaking when kyungsoo swats at him in retaliation. baekhyun looks at the clock again. “i’m gonna go get the stream set up.”

his phone buzzes.

baekhyun ends up with a better kda ratio than chanyeol by the end of their stream, a feat that has chanyeol swearing loudly into his microphone. baekhyun is just as loud, teaming up with their viewers in teasing the giant about his incompetence in shooters (he’s always the first one dead). jongdae is sprawled out in the background, as always, screaming and laughing in response to everything happening. it’s the best kind of chaos.

they’re in baekhyun’s room, baekhyun in his new gaming chair and chanyeol borrowing jongdae’s desk chair. kyungsoo periodically comes in and out of the room, filling his and chanyeol’s cups with water every couple of minutes. “to stay hydrated,” he had said when baekhyun questioned him. “you all do a lot of yelling.”

a lot would be an understatement. they’ve gotten several noise complaints from the neighbors next door. 

“how are you so good at everything. ” chanyeol is whining now, eyebrows furrowing over his eyeballs. they overlap. baekhyun laughs at him. “it’s not fair.”

“i’m not good at everything. you just suck.” baekhyun sticks his tongue out at him, jongdae cackles in the background. “you should’ve stuck with brimstone. i don’t know why you thought you could handle sova.”

“the chat said to!” chanyeol huffs. kyungsoo catches him pouting and pats his head. it probably would’ve been a kiss, if it weren’t for, well, the stream. “it’s okay.”

him and chanyeol say their goodbyes to the stream, thanking any last minute subscribers while jongdae yells his own goodbyes from where he’s starfished on baekhyun’s bed. kyungsoo hides somewhere off-camera. when baekhyun finally shuts everything down, he leans back in his chair.

“well that was fun.” jongdae’s voice is, thankfully, at a normal volume again. even with his headphones on, jongdae’s shrill voice was making his ears ring.

“very. i’m hungry.” chanyeol is looking at kyungsoo. kyungsoo sighs. “i guess i’ll go make something.”

“you’re the best, soo.” jongdae is grinning at kyungsoo. he’s rewarded with a pat on his head. baekhyun also wants a pat on his head, but not from kyungsoo. baekhyun needs to call junmyeon. 

jongdae and chanyeol trail behind kyungsoo as he makes his way out of baekhyun's bedroom. “you coming?” kyungsoo asks him when he pauses in the doorway.

baekhyun’s phone buzzing answers for him. it’s junmyeon. baekhyun smiles. “guess not.” 

he picks up his phone from where it was sitting beside his keyboard. there are two text messages waiting for him, both from junmyeon. 

have a good stream! i love you  ♡(◕ᗜ◕✿) 12:54 pm

it’s raining outside!! i can’t film （┬┬＿┬┬）3:35 pm

junmyeon attaches a photo of him pouting at the camera, his black bangs hanging over his eyes. baekhyun kinda wants to reach into the phone and push them away. he can’t. 

i’m sorry :( 

do you need a minute? are you still trying to film or... read 3:35 pm

the reply is instantaneous.

i just need a minute to put my camera away! 3:36 pm

i’ll call you when i‘m ready! (◕ᴗ◕✿) 3:36 pm

if baekhyun remembers correctly, junmyeon lives on the fifth floor, next to a tiktok couple and a guy that is more tattoo than man. junmyeon fears them both. baekhyun finds it amusing. 

he finishes the last few sips of his water, trying to revive his throat after two and a half hours of screaming at chanyeol and the other people on his valorant team. he checks his appearance in his front camera, smoothing away any stubborn flyaways trying to peacock on top of his head. junmyeon says they’re cute. baekhyun begs to differ. 

he’s just about finished when junmyeon calls him, and baekhyun readily accepts the call, instantly warming at the sight of his lover’s smiling face. “hello, myeonie.”

❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀

jongin, as adorable as he may be, is sort of grinding on junmyeon’s nerves. 

they’re at his favorite stationary store- junmyeon needed a new journal for his recipes- and jongin is asking him a million questions.

“why would anyone name a brand moleskine ? who came up with that?” a million and one . 

junmyeon exhales through his nose. “i don’t know, jongin. i don’t know.” jongin’s nose is wrinkled, obvious distaste showing on his face. “now help me decide. should i go with yellow or mint?”

jongin looks between the two journals in his hands, his right hand holding his chin. “mint. it’ll match your other books.” junmyeon nods. jongin is good at making decisions, junmyeon would’ve bought them both. 

junmyeon’s got a small shopping basket on his arm, so he carefully places the journal inside of it, along with a new pack of fine line pens and a few rolls of washi tape. he catches jongin eyeing a spiral bound sketchbook. “see anything you want?”

jongin startles a bit, giving junmyeon a shy smile. “if you insist…”

“of course.” junmyeon smiles up at jongin, reaches up to pat his head for good measure. “i dragged you here with me, so you deserve at least a little something.”

jongin adds the sketchbook to junmyeon’s basket, patting it once it's settled on top of junmyeon’s new moleskine. “i would’ve come with you regardless. you don’t have to buy me anything.”

junmyeon affectionately pinches jongin’s ear in lieu of a response, then walks over to the checkout counter. a girl with short red hair stands behind it. she smiles at them when junmyeon sets his little basket down. “find everything okay?”

they find themselves in the coffee shop across the road after leaving the stationary store, sitting at a small table tucked into a corner by the door. 

junmyeon is nursing a chocolate mocha, decaffeinated (caffeine makes him jittery), with a mountain of whipped cream on top of it. junmyeon might have a bit of a sweet tooth, if the chocolate cookie he’s nibbling on is any indication.

jongin takes a sip of his hot chocolate. “so how have you been, hyung?” he has a chocolate mustache on his cupid’s bow.

jongin is still in school, and the two of them haven’t had much time to hang out because of it. “i’ve been fine.”

“fine?” jongin raises an eyebrow at him. “are we not gonna talk about what happened yesterday?”

by yesterday , jongin must be talking about junmyeon having a panic attack in the middle of one of their weekly phone calls. “jonginnie, you know that those are bound to happen. i’m sorry you had to hear me like that, though.” junmyeon starts tugging on his sweater sleeves.

“there’s nothing for you to apologize for.” jongin shakes his head at him. his hair is an ashy blonde. “i’m just worried. that one seemed… bad. badder than normal. is everything okay?”

trust jongin to notice these things. 

“do we have to discuss this here?” junmyeon asks. he’s playing with his sideburns, now. jongin’s eyes track the movement. “how about you come home with me, and we’ll talk about it there?” 

jongin takes a glance around the coffee shop. “okay. but you have to promise me you’ll talk to me, hyung. minseok's worried. and sehun, in his own way.”

“tell me about your studies. how’s yixing?” if jongin’s annoyed at the blatant subject change, he doesn’t show it. 

baekhyun had finally called him out. well, not necessarily called him out , but it sure did feel like it. that’s what triggered it. the panic attack.

they had just been talking, exchanging little stories and events that had happened during their respective days. baekhyun had complimented his van gogh replica from his last painting video and junmyeon had asked about baekhyun’s stream (he typically refrains from watching them, they’re too loud and a little too chaotic for him. baekhyun understands). everything had been perfectly fine, perfectly pleasant until junmyeon had gotten a little too excited about a new contemporary and modern art museum that was opening in west hollywood. baekhyun, as always, used it as a way to try and segway into arrangements for him to visit, and junmyeon, as always, tried to dodge it. 

but he guesses baekhyun had grown tired of it. 

“junmyeon,” baekhyun had interrupted him, the tone of his voice causing junmyeon to pause. “you know i love you, right? you know that you mean the world to me, right?”

junmyeon nods. “and i love you. what’s wrong, baek?”

“you know i’m dying to see you,” baekhyun licks his lips. junmyeon’s stomach drops. “are you- do you want to see me?”

“i do-“

“then why don’t we ever talk about it?” baekhyun had always been gentle with him, understanding, accommodating. junmyeon can tell he’s trying to stay that way, trying not to get mad at him. it makes junmyeon feel worse. “why don’t we plan anything?”

“baek, i-“

“i know, i know,” baekhyun isn’t looking into the camera anymore, is instead focused on something to his right. “forget i asked.”

but the problem was, junmyeon couldn’t forget he asked. baekhyun’s words played over and over in junmyeon’s mind, like a broken record. baekhyun is too nice, too gentle, too accommodating for him to properly tell him off, and with a mind like junmyeon’s, he didn’t need to. 

and it isn’t even like he doesn’t want to see baekhyun, doesn’t want to make minseok drive him to the airport to pick him up, doesn’t want to hug and kiss and cuddle him until he turns blue. quite the opposite, really. 

it’s just… scary. junmyeon is scared, scared that baekhyun would fly all the way to la and realize that he made a mistake. that junmyeon wasn’t worth it. that junmyeon was too boring, too anxious, too plain. it was inevitable. 

junmyeon can’t even show his face in his youtube videos or any of his sns, too scared that people would see how plain and unspecial he actually was, too anxious that someone would notice the scar on his nose or in his eyebrow, that someone would see the way junmyeon’s right eye squints more than his left whenever he smiles too hard. 

when he and baekhyun first facetimed, junmyeon had been a nervous wreck. it took a near-panic attack and minseok making him a cup of chamomile tea for him to calm down, and then a bored (but concerned, sehun just likes to pretend he isn’t) sehun spreading peach eyeshadow across his eyelids and matching lipstick onto his lips for him to feel remotely okay with showing his face to baekhyun. 

but baekhyun… baekhyun had called him beautiful, had playfully chastised him for not giving him prior warning about how pretty he was, how cute he was. had complained that he’d faint from how drop dead gorgeous he was. 

junmyeon didn’t think he deserved it. still doesn’t, if he’s being completely honest with himself. 

of course, now, junmyeon doesn’t think twice about facetiming with him, doesn’t think twice about showing his bare face or bare body. it took a while, sure, but he’s comfortable now. it’s comfortable. 

baekhyun coming to la, that’s new. less comfortable. 

baekhyun coming to la meant that baekhyun would see how short he was, how the top shelves of his and minseok’s kitchen are bare because neither of them can reach them without a stool. baekhyun coming to la meant that baekhyun would see him make his bed twice, would see him be anxious for the rest of the day if he doesn’t. it meant that baekhyun would see him agonize over and readjust the camera angles for his instagram photos, just to make sure that his face stayed hidden, and would see him crop or edit his face out if it somehow made it in there. it meant that baekhyun would see his messy, messy bedroom that only gets increasingly messier the more anxious he is. that he’d see him have a panic attack out of nowhere and feel like complete and utter shit afterwards. 

it meant baekhyun seeing all of his stuff, the very things that junmyeon is still learning to love and accept about himself. 

he knows it’s selfish, that there is another person in this relationship, one who claims to love him to the moon and back. but it hadn’t hit him just how much his constant deflections and dodgings had actually affected baekhyun. 

and the worst of it all, baekhyun hadn’t even told him. because he knew that it’d make junmyeon feel worse. he doesn’t deserve baekhyun. 

all of his anxieties, all of his insecurities, all of his stuff kept playing in his head, over and over and over and over. you don’t deserve him. you don’t deserve him. you don’t deserve him. it got overwhelming. he didn’t sleep. jongin had called him the next morning and… yeah. 

he had a panic attack. a pretty bad one, if the way jongin eyes him on the bus is anything to go by, if the way minseok has been extra extra gentle with him lately, more so than usual, is anything to go by. 

who is junmyeon kidding? it was awful. he’d been out of it that entire day, too keyed up and scared of having another one. even baekhyun had picked up on it when they talked last night, as clipped and uncomfortable as their conversation had been. he isn’t fooling anyone. 

he’s got the window seat on the bus ride home, jongin sitting on his right. if jongin notices him leaning into his side, he doesn’t make a fuss about it. just lets him. puts an arm around him when it becomes too obvious. 

he relays everything to jongin (and minseok, though he’s too busy straightening up their apartment to be properly listening) while they’re sitting on his and minseok’s couch, a weighted blanket draped over his shoulders. he had expected it to be harder, for jongin to have to pry it out of him, but once he started, he found himself going and going, every fear and every insecurity spilling- no, rushing - out of his mouth like a river into a waterfall. though, instead of falling to his death, he has jongin to catch him if he falls too hard. 

minseok is fliting about the place, wordlessly doing all of his and junmyeon’s chores, quietly sweeping the hardwoods and throwing away old takeout containers. he pauses when junmyeon runs out of steam, when all the water drains from his mouth. 

“why haven’t you talked to him about this? baekhyun seems to care an awful lot about you.” he sighs, setting down his broom and sitting on junmyeon’s other side, putting an arm around him. “i’m sure he’d understand.”

“that’s the problem.” junmyeon whines. he’s trying not to cry. he fiddles with his sleeves. “he always understands. he’s so understanding. it makes me feel worse.”

“if you talk about these things with him, you might feel better.” jongin says gently, like he’s talking to one of his ballet students at the conservatory he volunteers at and not a 25 year old man. “maybe it’s the fact that you haven’t that’s making you feel worse.” 

“jongin is right, myeonie.” baekhyun calls him myeonie. it feels weird coming from minseok, but he doesn’t hate it. it’s comforting. “you should tell him this, give him a chance to help you through it.” 

when he reaches up to tug on his sideburns, jongin takes his hand, stops him. “he really loves you, hyung. give him a chance to show you.” 

there’s a tinny sigh. jongin must’ve called sehun without him noticing. “talk to him, hyung. the sooner the better. i wanna meet him.”

“okay. i… i will. i’ll talk to him.” he thinks about the stilted conversation they had the night before, decides he never wants that again. “i’ll talk to him.”

❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀

junmyeon doesn’t talk to baekhyun that night. or the night after. or the night after then. 

they don’t talk for a week.

❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀

we need to talk. 3:27 pm

baekhyun frowns down at his phone. there were no emoticons. junmyeon always uses emoticons, emoticons and exclamation points. he’s concerned, and frankly, a little scared. 

he was still a bit… surprised? upset? hurt? a combination of all three?? at the fact that it’d been a week since they last talked. sure their last conversation was a bit… stilted, at best, but still. they talked everyday. they had to, being long distance and all. he liked, no, loved , talking to junmyeon, even with junmyeon’s aversion to them discussing taking their relationship further. 

the video that he’s uploading to his channel is still rendering, and jongdae is out with his girlfriend, so baekhyun hastily types out his reply. 

now? read 3:29 pm

junmyeon calls instead of answering. he looks… scared? nervous?

is he breaking up with me?

“baekhyun,” junmyeon starts, no hi, no hello. just his name. junmyeon is tugging on his sideburns, playing with the hair on the nape of his neck. “i’m sorry.” baekhyun hears a noise that sounds suspiciously like a sniffle.

his frown deepens. “about what? what’s wrong, myeonie?”

“remember when you asked me about...about making plans? about why i always-” sniffle, “why we never talk about it?”  

“i do,” baekhyun replies. junmyeon’s face is starting to scrunch up. baekhyun strokes his camera lens. “are you okay, baby?”

“not really,” he says. “but, it’s only fair to you if i tell you why it makes me so… anxious.” baekhyun can’t tell if junmyeon is looking at the camera or at a point above it. there’s a blanket draped over his shoulders, making him appear smaller than normal. he sniffles again. “just- just give me a moment.”

baekhyun nods. “take all the time you need.”

junmyeon takes a second to collect his thoughts, baekhyun continues to stroke his camera lens. he doesn’t know if it’s soothing or not. he hopes it is.

“i’m scared,” he starts, looking at his hands. he’s toying with his sweater sleeves. “what if you come and decide that you don't love me anymore? what if,” sniffle, “what if you see all my stuff and… and-”

“junmyeon-”

“and what if you realize that you don’t want to be with me because of all my stuff-”

“ junmyeon -”

“and what if,” sniffle sniffle, “what if you realize that you could do so much better than me? that i’m not worth it ? that you’d rather be with someone easy and who doesn’t have panic attacks and can reach the top shelves of their kitchen and can sleep the whole night without having nightmares about nothing and will let you post pictures of them and-”

junmyeon cuts himself off with a sob, laying is head down onto his desk and almost out of baekhyun’s sight. he can only see the top of his head and his shoulders, which shake and bounce with each sob that escapes him. baekhyun’s heart throbs, falls from his chest to his feet, makes the urge to hold and comfort stronger. he lays his head down on his own desk, his cheek resting against the hard wood. he’s still stroking his camera lens, tilts his phone so that he can still be seen. 

“baby,” he croons, softly, gently. “baby, look at me.”

it takes junmyeon a minute or so, but he eventually lifts his head up, his eyes wet and cheeks blotchy. a few stray tears leak from his eyes and fall into baekhyun’s own tear ducts, wets his own cheeks. “there you go.”

junmyeon sniffles. “i’m sorry.”

“stop apologizing, you never have to apologize for this.” baekhyun scoots closer to the camera, presses a soft kiss to the lens. and another, and another. “how long have you been feeling like this? thinking like this?”

“a while,” junmyeon is rubbing at his eyes with a small fist, his sniffles making his small shoulders shake. “a long while.”

“oh, myeonie.” baekhyun sits up again, stares directly into the camera lens, hopes that it feels like he’s looking him in the eyes. “i love you , and all of your ‘stuff’. i want to help you, be there for you. you are important to me. there’s nothing about you or that you could say or do that would drive me away, nothing could make me stop loving you.”

“are you sure?” junmyeon’s voice is too small, too insecure. “i’ve got a lot of stuff.”

“positive.” baekhyun affirms. “i’m not going anywhere . i love you, myeonie, so much . if anything, i’m scared that once i see you, i may never wanna leave.” he smiles a bit, hopes that junmyeon can feel the fondness in it, behind it. “you are important to me, all of you. you are everything i could ever want, ever need and more. okay? no amount of ‘stuff’ will ever change that, baby.”

junmyeon still looks small, unsure. “but-”

“no buts. i will always, always be here, for as long as you want and need me to. don’t ever keep anything like this from me, okay?” baekhyun gently tells him, “let me help you. let me love you. you deserve it, deserve all the love in the world and more.”

junmyeon nods, barely a shake of the head. “okay.”

“i’m gonna hug you now, okay?” baekhyun smiles at the way junmyeon tilts his head, confused. “ready, myeonie?”

“how are you gonna-”

baekhyun grabs his phone and presses it to the fabric of his sweatshirt, crossing his arms to hold it in place. he hums, pretends to squeeze. “you feel that? i’m hugging you right now.”

junmyeon starts to chuckle, quiet and small, but a happy sound nonetheless. “yeah, i feel it.”

baekhyun returns his phone to its previous position, propped up on his monitor. “now, tell me about your day.”

❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀

a week later, junmyeon is feeling brave.

i think i’m ready.

come to la. read 10:45 am

❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀

it takes a few weeks of back and forth (junmyeon’s bout of bravery had only lasted for about 2 days) before they decide on the week of and after valentine’s day, the same week of their three year anniversary, just enough time for junmyeon to prepare himself (and his apartment, but he has minseok for that) and to back out if he needs too. they also set a new rule: junmyeon is no longer allowed to keep bottling things up. if he needs reassurance, baekhyun would be more than happy to provide that for him. baekhyun had even gone as far as sending him a voice recording of him saying pretty much everything he had told him when they talked. i love you. you are important to me. i will always be here for you, for as long as you want and need me.

he still doesn’t think he deserves him, but maybe in a few months that’ll change. or not. who knows. it’s only january.

today’s call had started off innocent enough. junmyeon has been feeling better now that he and baekhyun had talked, really talked, and their conversations have gone back to normal, no discomfort in sight. baekhyun had been telling him about a new game he was streaming (“vigilant?” “no, myeonie, valorant ”) when junmyeon’s mind started to wander.

valentine’s day. baekhyun was coming the week of valentines day. valentine's day is on a friday this year. junmyeon loves fridays. 

fridays were their, um, sexy days. today is friday. junmyeon is horny. 

they hadn’t had any sexy days for the past few weeks, since junmyeon had been too anxious to get in the mood and baekhyun had been too… not alone. 

but now, now junmyeon was for sure in the mood. has been for the past two days, if he’s being honest. baekhyun likes to talk with his hands sometimes. junmyeon thinks baekhyun has pretty hands. sometimes, junmyeon likes to think about riding them-

“junmyeon? myeonie? are you even listening to me?” baekhyun sounds amused, a smirk on his face. if baekhyun is smirking, baekhyun is plotting. junmyeon should’ve masterbated yesterday. 

“huh? yes, yes i am.” and no, no he’s not. somehow, baekhyun’s smirk deepens. “chanyeol digs straight down instead of staircasing. see, listening.” 

“wrong game, myeonie.” there’s a lilt to baekhyun’s voice, the same lilting voice that calls him a good boy. yeah, junmyeon definitely should’ve masterbated yesterday. “your mind is somewhere else. i wonder where it could be~”

“who knows.” junmyeon’s face colors, his ears burn. 

“you didn’t think i forgot what day it was, did you?” the sudden change in baekhyun’s voice turns him on more than it should. it’s a few octaves deeper, a low purr that makes junmyeon’s heart start to race. “how could i forget about fridays ?”

junmyeon’s already shimmying out of his boxers by the time baekhyun tells him to get comfortable. he’s in for a wild night.

“well that was fun.” junmyeon smiles at baekhyun, ever the first to return to reality after his orgasms. he grabs his phone, holds it in front of his face, watching baekhyun pant as he comes down from his high. “i know i said this before, but i’ve missed this.”

baekhyun grunts. “me too.” he’s slumped a bit in his chair, his softening length still visible at this angle. “i should... i should clean. myself. i should clean myself up.”

junmyeon giggles in response, glancing down at the come threatening to dry on his chest, his stomach. “so should i, though i don’t think you can join me for that.”

“ah, don’t say things like that right now,” baekhyun does a weird groan/whine fusion, pouting a bit at the camera, at junmyeon. “i just came, like, 30 seconds ago.”

“sorry, hyunie,” junmyeon smiles at him, not sorry at all. “i’ll let you go… clean yourself.” 

baekhyun smiles back at him, soft and fond. junmyeon’s belly warms. “okay, myeonie. i love you~” 

“i love you too.” junmyeon kisses his camera, beams when baekhyun does the same. baekhyun is the one to end the call, waving and smiling at him as he does so.

junmyeon sighs, content and loved. 

❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀

“you guys are gross,” jongdae says, when baekhyun emerges from the shower later that day. “come for me, myeonie. i love you, myeonie. i can’t wait to see you, myeonie.” jongdae pretends to gag. 

“jealous?” baekhyun teases, poking his tongue out at his roommate. 

“absolutely not,” jongdae rolls his eyes. “but it’d be nice of i didn’t have to hear you two e-fucking all the time.”

baekhyun shrugs, unapologetic. “what’s for dinner? i’m starving.”

“chanyeol and kyungsoo wanna meet up for barbecue. i was gonna tell you earlier, but…” jongdae is side-eyeing him. 

“yeah, yeah, i get it.” it’s baekhyun who’s rolling his eyes now. “i’m down. when are we meeting them?”

jongdae shrugs. “in like, half an hour? what time is it? 6?” he glances at his phone. “yeah, half an hour. we should probably head out now.”

baekhyun gives him a thumbs up before heading back to his room, grabbing his phone off the charger. there’s a goodnight text from junmyeon and a picture of him underneath his cream duvet, hair fanned out on his pillow and half his face hidden from the camera.

off to bed now (◡‿◡✿) 5:45 pm

goodnight! 5:45 pm

i love you ♥️ 5:46 pm

baekhyun smiles at his phone. he loves junmyeon. loves him so much . he snaps a quick picture to send in return, attaching his own goodnight message, knowing that junmyeon would stay up until he got one. 

sleep tight, myeonie

i love you too ♥️ read 6:02 pm

baekhyun hears a gag coming from the doorway. “come on, baekhyunnie . the subway’s gonna be a bitch at this hour.”

baekhyun pockets his phone and wallet before walking over to jongdae, a playful smirk on his lips. jongdae’s eyes narrow. “okay. daddy. ”

baekhyun laughs so loud he almost misses jongdae’s squawk of “that was one time !”

the subway was, thankfully, bearable, and they made it to the restaurant with no hassle. it’s small, a bit of a hole in the wall, but baekhyun and his friends have been coming here forever. the staff greet them excitedly when they enter, showing them to where kyungsoo and chanyeol are already sitting down, kyungsoo watching the meat simmer on the grill. when he sits down, baekhyun notices that there’s slices of onion and garlic sizzling alongside the meat. he unconsciously licks his lips. 

chanyeol and jongdae have already started chattering away, talking about absolutely nothing , chanyeol’s booming voice and booming laughter filling up the small corner that they’re sat at. jongdae is right up there with him, cackling and yelling at everything chanyeol says. they’re always a loud bunch (baekhyun especially, kyungsoo not so much), and they never fail to catch a  few odd stares from the other patrons, especially when jongdae’s voice reaches the 7th octave. 

kyungsoo starts messing about with the items on the grill, checking each piece of meat and fussing over the garlic. aside from an occasional nod whenever chanyeol mentions him (“right, soo?” “remember that, soo?” “kyungsoo was there, weren’t you?”), he stays relatively quiet, relatively content with letting his boyfriend speak enough for the both of them.

chanyeol is talking with his hands, and something glints on his left, shining underneath the warm, yellow lights of the restaurant.

wait.

“what’s that on your hand?” baekhyun asks, cutting off jongdae’s story about a rat he saw on the subway. 

“what? oh-” chanyeol startles a bit, cut off mid-sentence, before a small, sheepish smile grows onto his face, matching the one growing onto kyungsoo’s. “we, uh, we have something to tell you guys.”

it’s almost comical, how baekhyun and jongdae both turn to kyungsoo at the exact same time. “what’s going on?”

“we’re engaged.” chanyeol’s voice sounds disgustingly fond, disgustingly happy, and disgustingly in love. baekhyun’s disgust grows when chanyeol’s hand comes to rest on top of kyungsoo’s unoccupied one, resting on the table. they share a smile. jongdae gags.

“well, congratulations.” baekhyun deadpans. “took you two long enough.”

“this means you guys are paying, right?” jongdae asks.

kyungsoo rolls his eyes, turns over a few more pieces of meat, cuts a few others after he moves his other hand from under chanyeol’s. baekhyun’s stomach growls. “told you we should’ve just texted them.”

“i wanted it to be special!” chanyeol pouts. “it’s not my fault our friends are assholes .”

“hey! we are not assholes!” jongdae protests. a piece of pickled radish that baekhyun hadn’t known he was eating flies out of his mouth. “you guys have been dating for forever. it was bound to happen eventually.”

“and,” baekhyun adds, “ i said congratulations. so there . ”

“you could’ve at least sounded a little happier for us. we’re getting married .” chanyeol grumbles. 

“we are happy for you guys, just unsurprised.” jongdae rolls his eyes. there’s too much eye-rolling going on at this table. “but anyways, who’s claiming me as their best man?”

kyungsoo chuckles, takes a few pieces of meat off the grill, slides them onto a dish. baekhyun is sure he’s drooling by now. “i’m asking my brother.”

“and i’m asking my sister.” chanyeol grins when jongdae squawks, offended. “no one wants you to be their best man, dae.”

jongdae and chanyeol continue bickering for the next couple of minutes, baekhyun occasionally feeding the fire whenever he sees fit. it’s kyungsoo who eventually ends it, quite literally, by shoving a lettuce wrap into chanyeol’s mouth. 

❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀

“can you get me some parchment paper?”

minseok trots over to their tiny pantry, grabbing the box of parchment paper from one of the labeled bins on the middle shelf. it was mostly minseok’s idea. 

they’re currently baking a batch of cranberry and white chocolate chip cookies (or, well, junmyeon is. minseok is mostly there for emotional support and to grab things when he asks him to), junmyeon standing behind his trusty kitchen aid as he squints at his ipad screen to read the next step. minseok taps his arm to hand him the pieces of parchment, snorting as he does so. “where’s your glasses?”

junmyeon lost his glasses 3 hours ago and had been too scared to tell minseok. “who knows.”

“well i know.” minseok smiles conspiratorially at him. “since, for some reason, they were with my laundry earlier.”

“so that’s where they went.”

“you’re too cute, junmyeon.” minseok pokes his nose, tries to poke his finger into the cookie batter. junmyeon tries to bite it. “but so messy. we still gotta get your bedroom in shape before romeo gets here.”

oh right. baekhyun is due to visit in three weeks. valentine's day is in three weeks. shit. junmyeon starts to frantically scoop cookie batter onto the baking sheet. “right.”

there’s a touch on his shoulder. “you okay?”

minseok’s been doing that a lot lately, checking up on him whenever junmyeon displays even the slightest signs of discomfort. he doesn’t fully get it. he’s been having more good days now, getting near full-nights of rest for the past couple of days and being able to go farther and farther from their apartment on his own (which, admittedly, is not all that far, just a few bus stops) without getting anxious. there’s still a few bad days here or there, there always will be, but overall he hasn’t had a panic attack in nearly two weeks, now. he counts that as progress. 

“i’m fine.” right, valentines day. seeing baekhyun. 3 weeks . “just, 3 weeks. 3 weeks . that’s- that’s not that much time, huh?”

“relax, myeonie.” minseok says. it still feels weird to hear him calling him that, even if they’ve been tied at the hip since they were kids. baekhyun's effect, he guesses. shit. 

junmyeon allows minseok to put the cookies into their oven, watches him set the timer to 11 minutes. “i am relaxed. i’m gonna see the love of my life in three weeks. holy shit, i’m gonna see the love of my life in three weeks -“

“okay, time for you to sit down.” minseok takes him by the shoulders, leads him out of the kitchen and into the living area, pushes him onto the couch. he holds up junmyeon’s weighted blanket, silently asking him if he wants it. junmyeon nods. “are you nervous?”

junmyeon lets him drape the blanket over his shoulders, lets the weight of it calm him down a bit. he could kiss whoever invented them. “absolutely.”

“is it because of…” he’s referring to the day , gesticulating rather wildly as he does so. “or just… general nerves?”

minseok, bless him, still sometimes gets awkward when they talk about junmyeon’s anxiety. he’s good at giving advice, but it’s usually when jongin is also around. they tend to piggyback off of each other. “both? i don’t know. i think anyone would be nervous about it, to be honest.”

minseok hums. “i guess, yeah. i just… wanted to, you know, check in with you. you seem pretty… you look like you’ve been feeling like yourself, lately.”

“i have.” junmyeon smiles at him. minseok has always been supportive of him. “thanks for checking in on me.”

minseok's ears redden, and it makes junmyeon chuckle a bit. “of course. you can always talk to me, you know? whatever it is, i’ll always be here to listen to you.”

junmyeon’s heart warms. he drapes a blanketed arm over minseok’s shoulders, hugging him. “thanks, hyung.”

“oh, so now you wanna call me hyung.”

junmyeon has 3 different journals, each one for a separate purpose. 

there’s his art journal, pale blue in color, that he mostly does as a stress-relieving activity, something to focus on when he gets too anxious and needs a break from his everyday life. that’s the one he typically films himself drawing and painting in. there’s his anxiety journal, lined and black, that he uses mostly like a diary. sometimes talking to his therapist can be a bit difficult, so his anxiety journal is a good way to communicate with her. lastly, there’s his recipe journal, a pretty lavender with grid sheets, where he jots down all his favorite recipes that he’s either tried, or intends to. he sometimes films himself decorating that one as well.

journaling is fun. it’s stress-relieving. he loves it. 

his desk area is a stationary lover’s paradise, and, frankly, the neatest area of his bedroom. he’s got drawers filled to the brim with pens, markers, highlighters, stickers, washi tape, sticker paper (to print his own pictures onto), patterned paper, colored pencils, paint (mostly oils and watercolors, a few bottles of acrylic may have gotten thrown in the mix), his special drawing pencils, sticky notes, divider tabs, and stamps. what can’t fit into his desk drawers are in labeled drawer units on either side of it. everything is organized to near perfection. 

his tabletop easel rests on his desk, behind his computer and against the wall. maybe he should paint something for his next video…

a noise from his computer brings him back to his current task at hand. there’s a sim waving his arms frantically on his screen, holding their bladder. junmyeon rolls his eyes, orders him to go to the toilet. 

the sims has become a bit of a guilty pleasure for him. okay, a bit , would be a massive understatement. he’s obsessed. he’s got a mods folder the size of the moon (5 gigs, to be exact) and about 7 different households in his favorite save. it’s a problem. 

but this… this is his favorite household, where he always finds himself gravitating towards whenever he loads up the game. it’s him and baekhyun, well, sim him and baekhyun, living together in his favorite apartment in san myshuno (121 hakim house, where the jang family used to live) that he renovated and furnished himself. it’s dorky, perhaps a little creepy, but it’s fun to imagine him and baekhyun like this, living together happily and without the thousands of miles of ocean between them, separating them. 

it was sim baekhyun, of course, that almost wet himself, now standing idly in their bathroom. sim junmyeon is baking sourdough bread in their kitchen and junmyeon crosses his fingers that he doesn’t start a fire. he doesn’t, thankfully. sim baekhyun is still idling in the bathroom, so he directs him over to the living area, has him play destiny effect to level up his video gaming skill. sim junmyeon goes to watch, a plate of excellent quality sourdough bread in his hand. 

junmyeon is so engrossed in his simming that he doesn’t hear his bedroom door open. 

“junmyeon!” minseok’s voice causes junmyeon to jump 3 feet into the air. “sehun and jongin are here.”

junmyeon minimizes the game. “coming.”

“what were you doing?” minseok tilts his head, looking too cute for absolutely no reason. “was that the sims? i didn’t know you played.”

junmyeon can feel himself blushing. “well-”

“hyung!” jongin comes barreling into junmyeon’s bedroom, pushing past minseok and scooping junmyeon up into a bear hug. “i missed you!”

jongin had gone to san francisco with his family for christmas. junmyeon chuckles, wiggles around until he can hug jongin back. “i missed you too, jongin.”

“he wouldn’t shut up about how excited he was to see you, hyung.” sehun is standing in the doorway, rolling his eyes. “it’s only been, what, two weeks? two and a half?”

“leave him alone, sehun. junmyeon will give you his attention in due time.” minseok's tone is teasing, and sehun scoffs, rolls his eyes for good measure, before presumably going back to the living area. “you guys hungry? it’s almost dinner time.”

jongin detaches himself from junmyeon only slightly, his arm still cradling junmyeon’s shoulders and his head resting on his shoulder. it can’t be all that comfortable, since junmyeon is a good 4 or 5 inches shorter than him, “very.”

“i can make something-”

“minnie, hyung, i love you, but you are not allowed in the kitchen unsupervised.” junmyeon cuts in. minseok pouts. “remember last time when you-”

“okay, okay, i get it, i get it.” minseok says, still pouting. “but you already made cookies and i don’t want you to-”

“you made cookies?” jongin and sehun (junmyeon guesses he heard cookies and came running back to them, the brat) ask in scary unison. jongin whines. “why didn’t you say anything?” 

“you can have some after we eat actual food .” junmyeon says, throwing a look to jongin first, then sehun. “and, really, i don’t mind making something else. i’m fine, min, really.”

minseok nods, eyeing him a bit. “okay. or, we could always order in. i’m kinda in the mood for pizza.”

“and chicken!” jongin pipes up. junmyeon smiles at him, reaching up to pat his head. 

“pizza and chicken it is, then.”

“i can’t believe they’re getting married.” 

“i know, right! like, i knew it was gonna happen- they’ve been dating since...high school i think- but isn’t that wild? two of my best friends. getting married .” 

baekhyun had debriefed him on his friends’ engagement announcement (junmyeon had gently scolded baekhyun for not being as excited for them as he should’ve been, baekhyun had reassured him that they had gotten around to proper congratulations. junmyeon doesn’t all the way believe him). “it’s pretty wild.”

“makes me think of us.” baekhyun says. his ceiling light isn’t on, but instead it's his desk lamp that bathes him in warm, amber light. it makes his skin look like honey, and junmyeon kinda wants to taste it. he needs a friday. wait.

“what do you mean, us?” junmyeon pulls his blanket up from where it slips from around his shoulders. it’s his second favorite blanket, not weighted, but a soft cream color with a little bunny embroidered on one of its edges. minseok had gotten it for him for his birthday last year. 

“do you ever think about, y’know, marriage?” baekhyun changes positions. it’s the third time he’s moved since they started talking fifteen minutes ago. “it doesn’t necessarily have to be with me. just in general.”

junmyeon has thought about it, marriage. he’s imagined him and baekhyun a few years down the road, living in a small house either in korea or la (junmyeon doesn’t have a preference), with matching smiles and matching rings. and maybe a dog, or cat, too. he’s imagined their wedding, not too big, not too small, with their friends and family all in attendance. there’s a shit ton of flowers, blues and greens and purples, a shit ton of wine and alcohol, and a shit ton of love. would their entire ceremony be in korean? english? both? it could be outdoors, maybe in a botanical garden, or maybe it would be inside a chapel. maybe not, since his family is buddhist-

“junmyeon, myeonie? you still there? i didn’t scare you, did i?”

“i have. thought about it, i mean. marriage. with you.” junmyeon panics. “or not with you! if you’re not into marriage and stuff! that’s, yeah. that’s fine! we don’t have to get married! not everyone likes marriage! or wants it! we can just be boyfriends forever! or… or not forever! uh-”

baekhyun chuckles, junmyeon’s favorite boxy smile appearing on his face, eyes glittery and happy. “i’d love to get married to you, one day.  gotta see you, first.”

junmyeon’s face warms, whether it’s from the prospect of him and baekhyun getting married in the future or from the embarrassment from his rambling, he’ll never know. “that’s understandable.”

“you’re too cute, myeonie. i can’t stand it.”

“too bad. i’m gonna be even cuter in person.”

baekhyun smiles, not his usual big and boxy smile, but soft, fond, like junmyeon is the most precious thing he’s ever seen, like he loves him. “three weeks.”

“three weeks.” junmyeon smiles back at him. baekhyun strokes his screen.

“i can’t wait.”

❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀

two weeks. 

baekhyun is due to be on a plane to los angeles in two weeks. holy shit .

should i start packing now? should i wait? i might wanna wear something that i’ve packed away. or not. how cold is it in la? it’s probably warmer there than here-

baekhyun is pacing around his room, staring at the open suitcase that sits on his bed, challenging him to fill it. his closet door is open, his clothes are calling him, begging him to put them into his suitcase. he shakes his head. it’s too soon. or is it? how early enough should i pack? 

he’s being ridiculous. this whole thing is ridiculous. he shouldn’t be overthinking this. this is just junmyeon, just the love of his life, just the one person that he wants to spend the rest of his life with. no pressure. absolutely no fucking pressure .

he’s gonna start packing. 

he grabs his phone from where its charging on his desk, opens the weather app to check the conditions in la. highest temperatures in the sixties, lowest in the fifties. okay . he can do this. but wait. wouldn’t it be cooler because of the breeze from the ocean?  should he pack a heavy coat? he grabs one of his puffy, padded coats, not his long one, and places it on his bed. right. outfits. he grabs a few of his longer-sleeved shirts, three of them, then three short-sleeved shirts, then a sweater. two sweaters. oh, and two sweatshirts, and a button down, in case they go anywhere fancy for dinner. okay, pants . he’s not too worried about those, just grabs a couple pairs of jeans, a pair of navy slacks (for dinner, or for something else fancy) and a pair of shorts, in case there’s an unnaturally hot day. 

he has to go out to the entrance area to grab his shoes, passing jongdae who’s sleeping at their dining table, a half-empty chinese takeout box sitting next to him. it’s barely noon. baekhyun has a video to film before he talks to junmyeon tonight. he hastens to their shoe rack. 

he grabs a pair of dress shoes (brown, matching the belt he’s planning on bringing) and a pair of sneakers, thinks better of it, and grabs a pair of sandals. he can wear his sneakers on the plane. he also grabs one of their extra pairs of house slippers, in case junmyeon and minseok don’t have any in their apartment. 

he’s gonna be in their apartment. in two weeks. what a concept. 

he goes back to his bedroom and stares at the mass of clothing on his bed. there’s something missing. socks and underwear . he goes to his drawer, pulls out a few pairs of socks and boxers (ten pairs, he can just wash them once they get dirty) before dumping those onto his bed as well. he needs to start packing.

he sets aside his puffer jacket, opting to wear it on the plane to minimize the weight of his suitcase. he instead grabs a denim jacket, folds it up, then places it at the bottom of his suitcase. he then grabs his shoes and places those beside his jacket, then rolls up his pants to place in it as well. 

next are his shirts and sweaters, which also get rolled up and placed on top of his pants, in between the little dips in between each pair to maximize on space. then he grabs his socks and underwear to stuff into his suitcase’s mesh pocket. he forgot pajamas. and his belt. and a robe . baekhyun sighs. 

when he finally, finally finishes packing his suitcase (he ended up changing out a few of his shirts, opting to wear his best/favorites when in the presence of junmyeon), he flops onto his mattress.

this… this is actually happening. in two weeks, two weeks , he’s gonna be in la, he’s gonna get off a plane and into the arms of the love of his life, his baby. they’re gonna be able to hug and kiss and look at each other in real life, in the same place, breathing the same air. he’s gonna be able to see whether or not junmyeon’s hair and cheeks are as soft as they look, whether his lips taste as sweet as they look, whether junmyeon’s small waist and tiny hands will fit into his own the same way baekhyun has stayed up countless nights imagining. it’s real. it’s real .

if he’s being honest with himself, baekhyun didn’t think that this would happen so soon (and a part of him, a small part of him, thought it would never happen at all). they’ve been together for almost three years ( hoooooly shit ) and… it’s been a long journey to get here. 

baekhyun remembers the first time they texted each other, outside of twitter, and how sweet junmyeon was. they hadn’t actually been dating then, but there’d been a bit [read: a lot ] of flirting on baekhyun’s end (junmyeon was just so cute , he couldn’t resist) and a lot of shy banter on junmyeon’s. the latter hadn’t been too comfortable around him at the time and baekhyun had feared that he had made him uncomfortable (junmyeon’s texting style when he’s not feeling the best or isn’t too comfortable is… curt, at best. not rude, but definitely more reserved than he normally is).

 then they got to know each other, and then junmyeon’s real personality had started to shine.

baekhyun had gotten to know the junmyeon who uses text emoticons as opposed to emojis (“emoji’s just don’t get me, baek.”) and who uses exclamation points as periods. the junmyeon who, very shyly (how anyone can say anything shyly through text is beyond baekhyun, but junmyeon had somehow done it. the power that tiny man holds), had called him pretty , then proceeded to stress text him fifty-seven messages to apologize. and you are damn right that baekhyun had fallen even more in love with him with each I AM SO SORRY AHH I DIDN’T MEAN TO CALL YOU PRETTY I DIDN’T EVEN STOP TO THINK THAT YOU MAY NOT EVEN LIKE THAT OH MY GOD PLEASE IGNORE THAT PLEASE KEEP TALKING TO ME PLEASE DON’T THINK I’M WEIRD I’M SORRY that junmyeon had sent him. how could he not?

it took a while, and a lot of convincing from baekhyun (and numerous promises that he would not post anything), to get junmyeon to send him a picture of himself ( with his face). baekhyun didn’t really understand it at the time (and he honestly still doesn’t, he thinks junmyeon is the most beautiful being in the world, but he tries to respect his boyfriend’s boundaries), but he had went along with junmyeon’s requests, and was rewarded with his favorite picture of junmyeon to this day (it’s taken from a semi high angle, with junmyeon’s desk lamp casting a warm, amber glow onto his skin. there’s a sweet smile on his lips, the one that makes his cheeks bunch up under his eyes and causes them to curve into the cutest little crescents and his nose to scrunch up ever so slight at it’s bridge and everytime baekhyun looks at it he melts -).

then they started talking on the phone, and, from there, they started their relationship. it wasn’t until a few months into their relationship that they had actually facetimed (junmyeon was quite the anxious little bunny, still is, and so it took him a little while to get comfortable enough to do so. baekhyun was, and still is, patient), and baekhyun remembers being completely and utterly smitten with junmyeon and the way he talked and played with his hair, falling in love with the way he would giggle before telling a joke and look so proud of himself afterwards when baekhyun would laugh at it, or the way he would pout when baekhyun gently teased him. it was that first facetime call that had sealed the deal for him. he was in love with kim junmyeon (or junmyeon kim, since he’s american). 

he remembers the first time they had their ~sexy times~ on facetime, how junmyeon was so nervous and shy, yet so eager to please and be good for him, how sweet and strangely wholesome (they were, as jongdae says, e-fucking afterall) that first time was. that was a good six or so months into their relationship, after baekhyun had told junmyeon that he loved him (and the way that junmyeon fucking lit up after he heard that will forever be ingrained into baekhyun’s mind as another one of his favorite memories) and junmyeon had said it back. 

he also remembers their first fight. ironically, it was junmyeon who had asked baekhyun when the latter would want to go public with their relationship, and baekhyun had… panicked wouldn’t be the right word. the gaming community was slightly different when they had first gotten together, and baekhyun wasn’t really publicly out yet. he’d gotten a bit too defensive when junmyeon had asked him, junmyeon got justifiably upset with him, and they ended up not talking for a week (junmyeon, as sweet and gentle as he is, can be really petty when he wants to, and baekhyun’s pride can sometimes get in the way of his rational thinking). it wasn’t until junmyeon’s friend minseok had sent him a strongly worded dm on twitter about how stupid they both were being that baekhyun had finally pulled himself together and reached out to him. they had a very, very , extensive conversation about baekhyun’s reservations about going public, they compromised, and then they moved on. baekhyun hasn’t gotten any colorful messages from minseok since, thankfully.

and now they’re here, two weeks away from meeting face to face. they’ll be in the same country, breathing the same air, riding in the same car, sleeping in the same bed in two weeks , something baekhyun has been wanting to do for years . what a concept. 

honestly though, what a concept . 

there’s still a small part of his brain that can’t help but feel a little… anxious about this whole thing (and no, he will not tell junmyeon. the last thing that man needs is any more doubts in his head). of course he’s excited. of course he’s sure he wants to do this, but there’s a tiny, tiny part of his mind that thinks that, hey, maybe junmyeon had some valid points ( not about him being boring or not good enough or all the other bad shit he was saying about himself, absolutely fucking not ). like, what if their dynamic really only works when they’re long distance? what if baekhyun is too loud, too much for junmyeon? 

baekhyun’s not stupid. he knows junmyeon doesn’t watch his streams (aside from the fact that they happen at a relatively late hour- 9pm- his time), he knows that the combination of him, chanyeol, and jongdae is any sane person’s nightmare. him and jongdae got evicted twice last year because of it. junmyeon doesn’t need that kind of chaos in his life, he’s got enough going on as it is, and baekhyun would only make it worse. 

“what are you doing?”

baekhyun looks towards the doorway. there’s a sleepy looking jongdae standing in it, hair flat on one side and a small fist rubbing his left eye. “just thinking.”

“didn’t know you could do that,” jongdae says, walking over to his bed and flopping down on top of it. his shoulder hits baekhyun’s wrist. ”what about?”

“this is a good idea, right?” baekhyun  says after a beat, staring at jongdae. 

“going over there? sure it is.” jongdae stares back at him, sprawled out on his stomach. “why? you’re not getting cold feet, are you?”

baekhyun takes another beat to respond, staring up at the ceiling as he thinks. it’s popcorned. there’s a bulb out in his ceiling light that he needs to change before he leaves. “i don’t think so.”

“well don’t. you love him and he loves you, i’m sure of it. everything will be fine.”

“you don’t think that… that i’m not gonna be… too much for him?” baekhyun hears jongdae sit up, feels his eyes staring at him as he does so. “that i’ll mess everything up?”

“where’s this coming from? you seemed so excited yesterday.”

“i am,” baekhyun shrugs. “i dunno. i just...i mean- you said it yourself, you wouldn’t have pictured us together.”

“and? that doesn’t mean that you won’t work . you guys have been together for long enough, you would’ve known by now if you two weren’t meant to be together. just enjoy yourself over there and you’ll be fine.” jongdae pauses, “and don’t do anything stupid.”

“gee, thanks.”

“but, seriously, i barely know the guy and even i know that he’d rather saw off his arm and bury himself alive than be without you. you have nothing to worry about. you aren’t gonna be too much for him. you aren’t too much, and anyone who says otherwise can go fuck themselves.”

baekhyun turns back to look at him. “thanks, dae. i appreciate it.”

“now stop this broody shit, it doesn’t suit you at all .” jongdae scrunches his nose in disgust.

“okay daddy .”

“i said that was one time !”

he’s just finished recording a video when junmyeon texts him. he takes the sd card from his camera and plugs it into his computer to import into premiere before checking his phone.

are you ready? (◕ ˬ ◕✿) 3:45 pm

baekhyun calls in lieu of answering and is rewarded with the smiling face of his boyfriend. junmyeon looks especially soft today in his powder blue hoodie and warm lamplight. “i could’ve been naked, you know?”

“all the better.” baekhyun smiles when junmyeon rolls his eyes. “how was your day?”

“i saw emma today,” junmyeon says, a small smile on his face. emma is his therapist. “she’s excited that you’re coming.”

“i don’t have to meet her, do i? i’m pretty sure that’s breaking some kind of protocol-”

“no, silly.” junmyeon rolls his eyes again, smile tuning fond. “i’ve been having more good days lately, so she’s just happy for me. she says that this will be good for me.”

“yeah? she thinks so?” junmyeon nods. “are you not nervous?”

“terrified, actually.” is junmyeon’s response. “excited and terrified. it feels like i could burst from happiness and anxiety at the same time. i could puke right now.”

“me too,” baekhyun admits. “i’m so nervous. excited, but so, so nervous.” 

junmyeon grabs a blanket from somewhere offscreen, a soft canary yellow, and wraps it around his shoulders. the blue and yellow look really pretty together. junmyeon looks really pretty. “a good nervous, right?”

“part of it, yeah,” baekhyun replies. “ah, i probably shouldn’t be saying this.”

“you can tell me anything, baek. i’ll be fine. your feelings are just as valid and important as mine, anxiety disorder or not.” junmyeon is staring directly into the camera lens, and baekhyun gets a weird sense of deja vu. “we’ve been together long enough for you to know this.”

“i just… i hope that i won’t be too much for you, is all.” baekhyun bites his bottom lip, feels slightly anxious. 

“too much, how?”

“you know,” baekhyun starts talking with his hands, tries to get junmyeon to understand by aggressively gesticulating at nothing. when junmyeon’s eyebrows furrow, baekhyun sighs. “too loud. too chaotic. too much.”

“you’d never be ‘ too much ’ for me, never ever ever.” junmyeon says. he’s looking directly into the camera lens again. “i love you, all of you. you’re fun, and you’re happy, and you make me and everyone around you happy. you’re also loud, and that’s okay. it means you’re happy and you’re enjoying yourself, that you’re comfortable, and that’s all i could ever ask for. yell away, my love. whoever told you that you’re ‘ too much ’ can choke for all i care.”

“that’s- wow.” baekhyun says, tone soft. he really loves junmyeon. “i don’t think i have ever heard you say that someone could ‘ choke ’ before.”

“out of everything i just said, that’s what you choose to focus on?” junmyeon laughs a little when he says that, so baekhyun knows he isn’t really that upset about it. 

“i’m just surprised, is all.” baekhyun laughs along with him. “but, thank you, really. i know it’s dumb-”

“your feelings are most certainly not dumb , baekhyun.”

“right. i just.... it hasn’t really been bothering me too much, just something that comes up whenever i think too hard.”

junmyeon gives him a look. “well if it bothers you again, please tell me. i want to be there for you just as much as you are for me. again, your feelings are just as important and valid as mine.”

“i know. thank you.” baekhyun smiles, it’s soft, more a slight quirk of the sides of his mouth if anything, but it’s there. “i love you.”

“i love you more. i can’t wait for you to get here.”

❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀

junmyeon lost his glasses again. 

junmyeon lost his glasses again , the timer on the stove is going off, minseok had yelled at him for leaving his towel on their bathroom floor (he didn’t, it fell, but minseok didn’t know that), their apartment looks like a warzone, he just had a panic attack, and baekhyun is due to arrive in a week. 

so right now, instead of trying to clean his and minseok’s apartment, junmyeon is curled up on their couch under his trusty weighted blanket, trying his darndest to not pull his bangs out. he’s got his earbuds in his ears and he’s listening to his favorite LTK song on repeat to calm down (not too loud, though, just a few notches up from the lowest volume setting). the stove timer stops beeping. minseok must’ve turned it off.

he’s not all that surprised that his mental health has taken a slight downturn, not even in the slightest. his therapist had even warned him that it would happen. he just hadn’t expected it to take such a sharp downward incline. he feels awful, not at all excited like he had been a few days prior. 

it’s just… this is a huge thing that’s about to happen (and in literally only a week , holy shit ), a huge thing that will change his and baekhyun’s relationship. junmyeon thought he would be ready. is he ready? he pulls his blanket tighter around himself.

his song is ending. he doesn’t let it repeat this time, instead goes to his pictures and finds his favorite video. 

it’s a black screen, baekhyun’s smooth, smooth voice singing softly to him, like they’re sharing secrets. it’s an english song, and baekhyun’s accent occasionally colors some of the words in it, and junmyeon loves it all the more. baekhyun had originally sent it to help him sleep at night, if he hadn’t fallen asleep while they were still talking, but now junmyeon listens to it whenever he’s feeling anxious or needs a break (and he doesn’t have the energy to make another entry in his tea journal). besides, baekhyun is an amazing singer. 

now, though, it only adds to the anxiousness he’s already feeling. he’s still reeling from the panic attack he had less than an hour ago, and he’s really not up for having another one, but hearing baekhyun’s voice only reminds him of the fact that he’s coming and that things might go to shit and that baekhyun is gonna break up with him because things are gonna go to shit and he’ll be sad and alone and will make more messes that minseok will yell at him for and-

“junmyeon? this might be a dumb question, but are you alright?” minseok’s voice breaks his thoughts, pulls him back from the waterfall he was tumbling over and onto steadier ground.

junmyeon doesn’t answer. he’s looking at some space between their television and their coffee table, so he feels, rather than sees, minseok sit down on the couch next to where he’s curled up shrimp style. a hand gently pulls his own away from his sideburns. he didn’t realize he had been tugging on them.

“you’re gonna go bald at this rate,” minseok sighs. “wanna talk? want me to call jongin? he shouldn’t be in class right now.”

junmyeon remains quiet, afraid that if he speaks he’ll start crying and panicking again. minseok sighs again. “can i hug you? is that okay? i don’t like leaving you alone when you get like this.”

junmyeon shifts positions in lieu of answering, resting his head on his best friend’s chest and hugging him tightly around his middle. minseok throws an arm around him as well, holds him close, runs a gentle hand through his hair, makes sure he feels safe. it works, a little too well. junmyeon starts crying. 

he feels too much. he’s scared, he’s anxious, he’s still waiting for his prozac to kick in, he’s stressed out, and he’s disappointed in himself. he was doing so well , even started to get excited about their meeting (after his initial nerves had calmed down), but now it’s the last thing he wants to do. and it isn’t like he can cancel, no, since baekhyun would be here in a week and already booked his flight. besides, it really wouldn’t be fair to him.

a kiss is pressed to the top of his head, a finger gently wipes the tears from his face. he’s gently rocked, and minseok is humming softly above him. it makes junmyeon feel like a child, and he’s starting to dislike it, but he allows minseok to continue. he’s too drained, too wound-up to really do anything about it anyway. so he just sits there, lets a few minutes pass,and tries to calm down.

“it’s okay, you know, to feel like this.” it’s said a little awkwardly, but minseok’s arm is still around him, his hand still in junmyeon’s hair, junmyeon still pressed against his warm chest. “i know you’re beating yourself up over this.”

junmyeon’s response is a sniffle. he tugs on the edge of his blanket, pulls it tighter around himself.

“... what if you called him?”

“it’s like 5am in korea right now, minseok.” junmyeon’s voice comes out raw, kinda scratchy in his throat. it kinda hurts.

“you could still try-” junmyeon yanks his head from minseok’s embrace (then instantly regrets it when his head starts spinning from the sudden movement) and stares at him. hard. stares hard. “nevermind then.”

“it wouldn’t help anyway,” sniffle. “it’d just make it worse.”

“your therapist? or i can make you some tea? or both?” minseok is earnest, and he’s adjusting his position, making himself ready if junmyeon asks him to. it makes junmyeon feel a little bit better. minseok, though not always the most eloquent with words (at least, when he’s attempting to give anxiety advice), is undeniably a great friend. junmyeon is lucky they’ve been best friends for so long. 

junmyeon takes a moment to consider it, decides against it. he shakes his head, grabs his blanket from where it slipped off his shoulders and rewraps it around himself. tighter. he’s not crying anymore, but the comfort is still nice. 

“okay then. is there anything you need me to do?” junmyeon shakes his head again. “are you sure?” a nod. minseok sighs, brushes back junmyeon’s bangs when they fall into his eyes, his own thoughtful, calculating. “i… i’m sorry about earlier. for yelling, i mean.”

“it’s fine.” junmyeon’s voice is still a little scratchy, somehow also nasally. he sniffles again to clear his nose. “i’m gonna take a nap.”

“you don’t want lunch? though it’s probably cold by now…”

junmyeon shakes his head again, getting up from the couch. he leaves his weighted blanket there, since there’s one in his room, and grabs his phone. he thinks about smiling at minseok, then decides against it. it’d be a waste, anyway. he instead pads down their short hallway to his bedroom, closes the door and strips out of his sweats, plugs his phone in to charge and slips under his lavender duvet. it’s freshly washed and smells like fabric softener. 

of course, no matter how drained (emotionally and mentally, not so much physically) he is, he can’t sleep. he’s been laying down for half an hour, trying to nap his anxieties away but can’t. his mind is running a marathon, but his thoughts are tripping and stuttering over hurdles that he’s put there himself. he lays on his stomach, presses his cheek harder into his pillow, squeezes his eyes shut, tries to will his brain to sleep. it's futile. it’s all futile. maybe he should’ve taken minseok up on his offer to get him some tea, maybe that would’ve helped him fall asleep. 

maybe he should call baekhyun. no. no he shouldn’t. baekhyun is asleep right now. it’s a ridiculous time in the morning in seoul. he should call his therapist instead. she can help him. it’s her job. but, no, no he shouldn’t. she could be seeing someone else right now. he doesn’t want to bother her. he can get through this. 

he most definitely does not grab his phone, nope, nope, nope. he most definitely does not open the phone app on it, nope, nope, nope. and he really , most definitely,  he doesn’t call anyone, nope, nope, nope-

“hello?” comes a voice. a tired, tired voice. gravelly, like the person who’d picked up the phone had been asleep, like they’d been woken up by their phone ringing. this was a bad idea. “junmyeon? hello? is everything okay?”

“i’m trying to take a nap,” is what junmyeon starts with. this was a bad idea. “and i can’t.” a very bad idea. “i’m sorry for calling, i’ll just hang up-”

“junmyeon,” baekhyun sighs. not disappointed, not exasperated. maybe sigh isn’t the word to use. it’s more of an exhale. a breath. “are you okay? it’s not like you to just call me like this. did something happen?”

junmyeon expects the panic to well up again, like it had thirty-two minutes ago when he listened to the voice recording of baekhyun. there’s no panic, strangely. he’s actually calmer. his body doesn’t know what he wants, apparently. 

“junmyeon? baby? what’s going on?”

“i’m not feeling very okay, right now.” is that an understatement? who knows. junmyeon doesn’t, not anymore. “i was so excited about everything, but now i just feel anxious again. i’m sorry.”

baekhyun sighs, a real sigh this time. junmyeon hears him change positions, clearing his throat. it reminds him that it’s probably ridiculously early where baekhyun is right now. he feels a twinge of guilt mix in with the anxiety swimming around in his belly. “do… do you wanna cancel?”

baekhyun’s voice sounds… small. unsure. it’s odd coming from him, same as when he was worrying about being too much for junmyeon. junmyeon takes a moment to consider the question. does he want to cancel? 

“i… i don’t think so, no. emma warned me about this, you know. i was expecting to not feel so great leading up to… to” you coming here, to see me “i just didn’t expect it to, you know. feel like this.” junmyeon feels like crying again, but he’s too drained to. he tugs on his sideburns instead. 

baekhyun is silent for a moment, and junmyeon worries that he might’ve fallen back asleep, but he answers. “it’s okay, you know. don’t feel guilty about feeling like this. i understand.” there’s a yawn in baekhyun’s voice, junmyeon can hear it. “are you sure you don’t want to postpone? it’s okay if you do. i don’t want you to force yourself to do anything you aren’t 100% comfortable with, you know that.” 

“i know,” junmyeon says, “but postponing it just means that i’ll just feel this way later. and it wouldn’t be fair to you, anyway. i can… i can get over it.”

“okay.” baekhyun clears his throat. “do you want me to sing to you?”

“what?”

“you said that you’re trying to take a nap, but can’t. i can try singing to you. it won’t sound amazing , but…” there’s more rustling from baekhyun’s end as shifts positions again. even at 5, 6 am, he still can’t stay still. it’s as endearing as it is strangely comforting. junmyeon wonders what sharing a bed with him would be like.

“you can try.” junmyeon says, thinking back to over half an hour ago when hearing baekhyun’s voice had sent him panicking again.

there’s more rustling coming from baekhyun’s end, before his warm, warm singing voice sounds through junmyeon’s smartphone, colored with the leftover gravelliness from sleep. it’s an LTK song, this time, and baekhyun slightly stumbles through the chinese lyrics, not too much, surprisingly, considering that baekhyun isn’t exactly known for being a fan of the group. it’s softly sung, in baekhyun’s lovely lower register, and it starts to softly coax junmyeon’s eyelids down. if he had the mental capacity to, he’d be embarrassed about it, about how quickly baekhyun’s voice had managed to lull him to sleep, but he doesn’t, and so he closes his eyes and allows sleep to claim him. 

baekhyun is still on the line when junmyeon wakes up, three and a half hours later, soft snores coming from his end. this is kinda new for junmyeon. he’s usually the one asleep (or very close to falling asleep) while baekhyun is awake on the other end of the call, still having hours to go until his own bedtime. it’s honestly kind of cute, the little noises baekhyun makes in his sleep, all the little yips and snores and sighs he lets out while he’s away in dreamland. no wonder baekhyun tends to stay on for a little while after junmyeon’s already fallen asleep (junmyeon has woken up a few times surprised to find his boyfriend’s face still on his screen). 

he feels… strangely better, now. calmer, less like he’s gonna break apart at the drop of a hat. he gets up to grab his anxiety journal, anyway, to jot down what he’d been feeling, anyway, so that he can talk about it with emma the next time he sees her. he’s got an appointment later on this week.

he takes a glance around his room, takes in the clothes and shoe boxes strewn around it, thinks about the dishes next to the kitchen sink that minseok has been nagging him to wash. maybe… maybe, while he has some of his energy back, he should clean, since… no . he decides to not think about… about the thing . thinking about it will only make him anxious again. no . he wants to be happy. excited . not anxious, not scared and insecure.

he typically plays music while cleaning, to clear his nerves, to fill the silence when the sounds of drawers closing and trash bags being tied fail to. cleaning, although he loathes it, is sometimes a good thing for him. it allows him to concentrate on something that isn’t his thoughts, makes his space clear and clean enough to put some of his anxieties to rest. his room gets messiest when he’s having bad days. 

but baekhyun is still on the line, and he’d rather not hang up on him, not yet. besides, the sounds baekhyun makes while he’s sleeping is music enough. 

he starts with his desk area. the mess of empty rolls of tape and pens without their caps on them and pieces of scrap paper is… telling of how anxious he’s become. he usually tries his hardest to keep his desk clean, so it only gets this messy when he’s been having an especially bad day. he reunites his pens (luckily, these are only his cheap ballpoints from target, not his fancy fine lines) with their caps and recycles the empty tape rolls and scrap paper, then reorganizes the pens back into their space in his pen drawer. there are a few paint markers mixed in with his gels that he needs to move, as well as a random paintbrush where his highlighters should be, the latter somehow, some way, mixed in with his oil paints. just how bad did he get?

he considers asking minseok for help. he’s probably just as stressed out about the thing as junmyeon is, and he knows that cleaning is to minseok as journaling and painting is to him. 

it’s almost comical, how quickly minseok comes when junmyeon calls him, but he knows that minseok’s just worried about him, wants to be as helpful as he can be for him. he raises an eyebrow at the snores and sighs coming from junmyeon’s phone, but junmyeon just offers him a smile. 

“wanna help me clean?”

they start by reorganizing junmyeon’s stationary and art drawers, since those are the most important to him. minseok is gentle with junmyeon’s supplies, knows how important they are to him, and he puts them into their respective spaces with careful fingers. he’s noticeably more gentle with the brush set he’d gifted to junmyeon some three years ago as a birthday present, smiles absently as he places them with junmyeon’s other brushes. junmyeon nudges his shoulder. he nudges back. 

they then move on to the catastrophe that is junmyeon’s dresser. there’s empty takeout boxes and a few random empty medication bottles that he’d been too wary of throwing out polluting the top of it, alongside his accessory box (mostly necklaces, a few rings, and an extra pair of glasses that he never wears- the prescription in them is too strong) and a bear plushie that jongin had gotten him for his birthday last year. there’s a fake plant balancing precariously atop an old walgreens medicine bag that makes minseok’s eye twitch when junmyeon turns to him, and several half-used lotion and skin care bottles that junmyeon can’t bear to part with. minseok grabs a trash bag from their kitchen. they have their work cut out for them. 

his closet has never really been all that clean to begin with, but minseok is adamant that they straighten it up while junmyeon has the energy to (“it’ll help you feel better, i swear”). there are clothes on the floor, fallen and forgotten from their hangers, and about the same amount of shoe boxes as there are stars in the sky (junmyeon is a bit of a sneaker head, just a little bit). the sliding door won't close with all the boxes and clothing and other shit junmyeon just shoves in there in the way (old plushies that jongin continues to gift him for his birthdays, shopping bags for when he goes grocery or art supply shopping, old blankets that he still needs to donate, his old tripod and camera equipment, and he’s pretty sure his old easel is shoved in it somewhere), so his mess is open for all to see. minseok sighs just as baekhyun lets out a particularly loud snore. 

speaking of which-

junmyeon’s phone is near scalding when he picks it up and promptly drops it because he’s been on the phone with baekhyun for almost five hours . junmyeon eyes the screen, suspicious of whether or not baekhyun was even still asleep (him and minseok haven’t exactly been the quietest while cleaning). just as he’s about to say something, baekhyun lets out another sleepy yippy noise and sighs, then there's a rustling sound, like he’s shifting positions. thank god he’s still asleep. 

minseok shakes his head when junmyeon walks back over to him, gesturing to the closet. right. 

even with the door slid as close to the edge as it could be, the closet still gets a little cramped for both him and minseok to be working in it (well not exactly in it, since it is by no means a walk-in). junmyeon is drained by the time that minseok deems his closet presentable (“see how the door just slides closed? bet you didn’t think that could happen, huh?”), and he glares at the mess that is his bedside tables and the chair that sits in the corner near his dresser. he does not wanna deal with those right now. 

junmyeon had hung up on baekhyun a little after he and minseok had started working on his closet, needing a song or two to keep his spirits and energy at a somewhat decent level. his mood had started to dip, and hearing baekhyun on the other end of the line was starting to agitate him again, starting to make him feel not good again. hanging up helped ease that agitation, if only a small part of it.

minseok’s standing next to one of his bedside tables, holding up a small bunny sculpture that looks like it had been painted by a five year old. a part of its right ear is missing. “what is this?”

“a gift,” junmyeon says. the from baekhyun is implied. minseok nods in understanding. 

“well, shall we get the rest of this cleaned?” minseok asks, eyeing him. “or i could leave you alone. let you rest for a bit.”

junmyeon offers him a small smile. it doesn’t stay very long on his face. minseok nods again. “i’ll get outta your hair, then.”

junmyeon collapses into his desk chair, grabbing his art journal and his watercolors, willing his hands to be still enough to paint the uneasiness crawling back up his spine and into his belly away.

❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀

chanyeol is screaming into his microphone as he tries (and fails) to kill the child zombie currently attacking him, swears like a sailor once the little fucker kills him. jongdae cackles from baekhyun’s bed, taunts him, earning himself a popcorn kernel thrown at his head, courtesy of kyungsoo. 

baekhyun isn’t really doing any better, currently trying to ward off three endermites enough so that he could get through the stronghold him and chanyeol (or, well, just him now, since chanyeol just died) are currently in. the chat is going crazy, full of people trying to help them both get past the mobs. baekhyun appreciates his fans, he really does, but if there’s anything more annoying than jongdae’s cackling, it’s backseat gamers. 

“oh fuck,” chanyeol says, rueful. baekhyun turns to him, scared.

“what?”

“i just lost my sword! my diamond sword! i’m so stupid .” chanyeol is whining, pouty, while simultaneously slapping baekhyun’s desk with his big hands. baekhyun has half a mind to tell him to stop, lest he break the fucking thing. wait.

“you what?!” baekhyun screeches. “i specifically told you not to bring it!”

he and chanyeol end up bickering, so much so that baekhyun ends up getting killed by a random skeleton. he kicks chanyeol’s chair like it’s his fault. kyungsoo shakes his head.

“you both suck.” jongdae teases. “even i didn’t die this much getting to the portal.”

“shut up, jongdae,” both he and chanyeol say, at the exact same time. jongdae only cackles in response. baekhyun sometimes hates him. 

“i think it’s time for you guys to say goodbye, anyway. chan and i have plans, later.” kyungsoo says, calm as he stares at chanyeol. “remember?”

chanyeol swears under his breath. baekhyun starts thanking their viewers. “and remember, guys, i won’t be streaming for the next two weeks! try not to miss me too much.”

“we won’t,” chanyeol grumbles. “you’re a menace. if anything, it’ll be a relief.”

baekhyun rolls his eyes, kicks chanyeol’s chair again for good measure, before he and chanyeol are saying their final goodbyes. he cuts the stream off with a sigh. “what do you guys need to do?”

“we’ve finally found a wedding planner willing to help us,” kyungsoo says. he sounds tired. chanyeol goes over to hug him. baekhyun kinda wants to, too. “so we’re meeting up with her today.”

“wow,” jongdae says, a lot more sober than he’d been five minutes ago. “i can’t- this is really happening. you guys are actually getting married. that’s… wow .”

“crazy, isn’t it?” kyungsoo smiles. his arm around chanyeol tightens. chanyeol pecks him on his temple. that’s gonna be baekhyun in three days. 

“ i can’t believe that baek’s actually going to la,” chanyeol says. he’s smiling at him. baekhyun smiles back. “you’re gonna be gone for two whole weeks.”

“i thought you weren’t gonna miss me,” baekhyun says, smiles cheekily when chanyeol rolls his eyes, his arm still around kyungsoo’s shoulders. 

“i’m not, you asshole. i’m just happy for you.”

“me too,” jongdae pipes in. his tone is serious, but he’s smiling, too. “you’ve only been wanting this for, what, two, three years?”

baekhyun’s cheeks hurt from smiling, but the though of junmyeon… of finally, finally getting to hold him, kiss him, love him is… it keeps his smile right on his face, stupid, gushy feelings swirling around in his stomach. he feels like a teenager. “yeah.”

kyungsoo and chanyeol leave a couple of minutes later, hand in hand. he and jongdae share their last bit of leftovers while he waits for junmyeon’s text back to facetime. he’s still filming at the moment (baekhyun still doesn’t understand why he chooses to film at damn near midnight. maybe because it’s quiet?). jongdae is slurping loudly at his noodles, and baekhyun has half a mind to kick him in the face. 

“i can’t believe you’re gonna leave me for two weeks,” jongdae says, whining. “who am i gonna watch one punch man with, now?”

“we finished that a month ago, jongdae.” baekhyun shakes his head, flicks the side of jongdae’s. “and it’s only two weeks. you’ll have kyungsoo and chanyeol here to annoy all you want.”

“they’re gonna be busy with wedding things ,” jongdae’s nose scrunches up. “i want no part of that.”

“tough luck, kid.”

jongdae’s face suddenly goes thoughtful, serious. he turns to baekhyun, really turns to him, full body and all, and looks at him, setting his chopsticks down on the plate they’re sharing. “how are you feeling… about all of this?”

baekhyun is confused. “what do you mean?”

“well, two weeks ago you were second guessing this, no?” 

baekhyun thinks back to two weeks ago, thinks about the weird, unpleasant fear of being too much , how junmyeon was so quick to reassure him that he wasn’t. he swallows another wave of insecurities down. no . “i mean, i guess, but… i’m ready. i’m excited. i’ve been imagining this for years , dae, and it’s finally happening. “ his voice gets wistful at the end, junmyeon’s sweet, smiling face popping up in his mind. “i can’t believe it’s happening .”

jongdae stares at him for a moment longer, thoughtful, before a small smile curls at his lips, his hand coming to rest on baekhyun’s thigh, warm and grounding. supportive. they sit like that for a moment. moments as tender as this don’t happen between them that often, but when they do, baekhyun cherishes them, cherishes jongdae. he doesn’t say it often, but he’s lucky to have him in his life, as annoying and chaotic as he is. 

the moment breaks when baekhyun’s phone buzzes, junmyeon’s picture popping up on his screen. jongdae grabs their plate and excuses himself, ignoring baekhyun’s protests. he wasn’t done, yet .

junmyeon is cuddled up in his pretty yellow blanket when baekhyun answers his facetime call, a small, small smile on his face. baekhyun is determined to make it bigger. 

he’d been… surprised? worried? confused? a combination of all three?? when junmyeon had called him a few days ago. junmyeon typically refrains from calling without texting first, and definitely wouldn’t call him at five am , so baekhyun had pushed any irritation he had about the early hour to make sure that junmyeon was okay.

“how was your day today?” baekhyun asks, like he always does. junmyeon looks better, a bit more energetic than he had been yesterday. he’s not toying with his bangs, at least. that’s something.

“minseok almost burned our building down,” and, okay, that’s also something. “apparently, he tried to fry an egg.”

“apparently?”

“i only went into the kitchen when the fire alarm went off,” junmyeon rolls his eyes. “sehun was the one monitoring him.”

“and sehun is…”

“tall, always looks pissed off, resident little shit, also a fan of yours,” junmyeon rattles off. he’s smiling, though. 

“also your younger brother.” baekhyun raises an eyebrow.

“i said he’s like a younger brother. we’re not actually related,” junmyeon says in mock exasperation. “you don’t listen to me at all .”

“hey! i listen plenty!” baekhyun pouts, juts out his lower lip in a ridiculous show of mock indignation in hopes to get junmyeon to laugh. it works. 

“sure you do, baekhyunnie. sure you do.” junmyeon giggles out, the heavenly sound traveling through baekhyun’s phone speakers and wrapping around him. it’s his favorite sound in the whole world, and he can’t wait to hear it in person. 

❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀

baekhyun arrives in twenty-five hours. junmyeon is stressed.

a good kind of stressed, but stressed nonetheless. his mood has lifted significantly in the past few days, and now, all he wants is to have his boyfriend in his arms. and a clean bedroom. and maybe being able to see the couch would be nice as well. 

minseok is, as always, running around their apartment, this time wielding a broom and a duster like a sword and shield. he’s swept the hardwoods and tiles of their living/kitchen area a good five times, dusted their television and coffee table thrice, and cleaned the same spot on their laminate countertops for half an hour. maybe junmyeon isn’t the only stressed one. 

junmyeon’s been tasked with straightening up their furniture. his blankets are still strewn all over their couch, their living chair is full of fan mail that he’s gonna open for a video, minseok got a cat yesterday- completely out of the blue, might he add- so now there’s cat hair everywhere, and a minor earthquake that morning (junmyeon, thankfully, had slept through it. minseok, unfortunately, didn’t) caused one of the shelves on their bookshelf to collapse, so he has to reorder the books on the shelf. he’s really got his work cut out for him. 

he folds his weighted blanket. he’s gonna leave that one out, on the back of the couch. the others get folded and shoved into their hall closet, where their extra towels and toiletries go. he moves the fan mail to his bedroom, onto the floor, next to his desk. the bookshelf has already been fixed, so he puts the books back into alphabetical order (by author, then by title. minseok’s wishes) and waters the small plants that minseok has growing there. 

the cat hair will be difficult to take care of, though. junmyeon sighs. minseok’s got an industrial grade lint roller in his closet (don’t ask), so he goes to grab it, but not without tripping over minseok’s sleeping cat on the way. junmyeon likes cats. he’s gonna have to warm up to minseok’s, though. 

minseok is sitting on his bed when junmyeon enters, scrolling through… emails? on his phone, laying on his stomach with his feet in the air, like a child. “can i borrow your lint roller?”

minseok points to his dresser, where the roller is resting on its stand. “if you’re gonna use it for tan’s hair, good luck.”

junmyeon sighs, again. “thanks. i thought you were sweeping?”

minseok gives him a look. “if i sweep those floors one more time i’m gonna end myself. i’m doing this for my own good.”

junmyeon nods, understanding. he gives minseok a pat on the head, smiles when he swats his hand away. “i’ll leave you alone then.”

minseok was correct. trying to get cat hair off the fabric of their couch is a nightmare . tan is cute, at least, curling up around junmyeon’s feet, his fur ticking his ankles. junmyeon giggles, strokes one of the kitty’s ears. maybe he doesn’t need to warm up to him, afterall. 

his bedroom is still clean from when he and minseok had cleaned it a couple of days ago, so he just collapses onto his bed. he’s not tired, not really. he doubts that he’d get any sleep that night. this week has been… a rollercoaster for him, just going from one extreme to another. minseok’s been making him tea and sleeping with him in his bed more often than not, on top of taking on the brunt of cleaning their small apartment while junmyeon was vegetating on their couch. junmyeon needs to get him a card. or maybe a vacation. 

him and baekhyun, they’ve come a long way. he’s come a long way. just three years ago he’d been too nervous to even send baekhyun a picture of himself, now he’s gonna see him in person. it’s… overwhelming. very overwhelming. mostly a good overwhelming, but overwhelming nonetheless.

there’s still a part of him, bigger than he’d like to admit, that’s still screaming at him to cancel, to leave their relationship the way it is, that this is gonna end badly. the anticipation he’s feeling only triples these thoughts, makes the nervous humming underneath his skin start singing to him. ignoring it is difficult. 

but… but one look at baekhyun’s smiling face (his phone lockscreen) keeps him going, keeps him excited and happy that this is happening, gives him enough strength to ignore the anxieties and insecurities trying to eat away at him. and frankly, constantly ducking and dodging all of baekhyun’s advances is draining, and it leaves him feeling like crap anyway. at least this way he can feel like crap in the arms of his lover. 

the bunny sculpture with half of its right ear missing stares at him, and he stares right back at it. baekhyun had, apparently, gone out with his friends to a pottery place, saw that little bunny, and instantly thought of him. junmyeon remembers feeling so endeared, so in love at that very moment, holding the little bunny in his hands as baekhyun rattled on about his “expertise in pottery making” (“but baekhyun… you didn’t make this… you only painted it.” junmyeon had said, pink cheeked and glowing. “your point?” baekhyun had responded, glowing right back at him). the poor thing had lost its ear somewhere between leaving a post office in seoul and arriving at his doorstep. 

next to it is a little, tiny notebook, with the words “사랑,하자”  written across the front, a small heart engraved into the leather below it. baekhyun had sent it, along with a set of small, colorful pens for their anniversary last year. “see,” baekhyun had told him. “now you have tiny stationary fit for your tiny hands”. junmyeon, pink cheeked (he’s always blushing around baekhyun, the power that man holds over him) and flustered, had accidentally hung up on him right after he said that. when he called back two minutes later, he was met with a sunny, laughing baekhyun. junmyeon couldn’t find it in himself to be embarrassed anymore. 

the bunny plushie on his desk is a baekhyun gift, too. it’s a small, white bunny with a little carrot in its hand. baekhyun had had it delivered to him for his birthday, the first one baekhyun had been in his life for. baekhyun had looked so nervous, uncharacteristically unsure of whether or not junmyeon liked it, or if it was even okay for him to get it for him in the first place. it probably didn’t help that junmyeon had bursted into tears when baekhyun had asked if he liked it (he did, which he was eventually able to communicate to his nervous lover after his tears had subsided). that was the moment junmyeon knew he was in love. 

a nervous baekhyun is a rare sight. the man is virtually shameless, very proactive and forward. junmyeon had been taken aback by baekhyun’s initial flirting when they had first started talking. flirting back was…it’s not something that comes very naturally to him, especially when he’s out of his comfort zone (he tends to get quite curt in his responses whenever he’s in an uncomfortable situation. it usually makes people leave him alone. baekhyun is an exception). it helped a little when baekhyun toned down his advances, and it was completely worth it to experience a flustered, blushing (or at least he assumes so, they still were only texting at this time) baekhyun when he (successfully) flirted back. 

sending a picture of his face to baekhyun used up every ounce of confidence in his body. he knows that he’s not ugly , but, still. it felt almost like a sort of submission. sending that picture meant giving baekhyun a ton of power over him (afterall, junmyeon’s face is nowhere on the internet, as far as knows), power that, thankfully, baekhyun refuses to exploit. baekhyun had spent all night complimenting and playfully teasing him until junmyeon felt less anxious about the ordeal, which really meant a lot to him. anyone else he’d been with never really understood junmyeon’s obsession with keeping his face off the internet, and even though he knows baekhyun doesn’t 100% understand it either, baekhyun was the first person to just… respect it, and not give him a hard time about it. just accepting it, accepting him. that’s when he started falling in love. 

texting turned into phone calls (hearing baekhyun’s sweet, sweet voice saying his name was an experience ) which turned into facetime calls. their first call was difficult for him (that much everyone knows, at this point), but seeing baekhyun and chatting with him in real time is an experience like no other. he learned that all the weird rustling that he’s always hear in the background of their phone calls was just baekhyun changing positions every five minutes. he learned that, the more baekhyun moves his head, the more his hair starts to get staticy, cute, little strands sticking up at the top of his head, like he’s a peacock. he learned that baekhyun’s eyes glitter when he smiles, that he starts gesticulating quite wildly when he’s trying to think of a word that’s just on the tip of his tongue , that the corners of his mouth move whenever he’s thinking of something to say or when he’s done speaking, that, no, baekhyun can not touch his ceiling, even when standing on his bed. he learned so many things about baekhyun that night, all of which he will always hold dear to his heart. 

hearing baekhyun tell him that he loves him feels like something akin to the first breath of spring after a long winter. their first ~sexy time~ and their first “i love you’s” go hand in hand (which may or may not say a lot about them as a couple). baekhyun was the one who said it first, and just that feeling that he got when he heard it… it’s unparalleled. he’s loved . someone loves him. junmyeon cried ( again , but what’s new), then said it right back, and then… ~sexy times~ (or, well, not right away. they talked about it first. they are responsible adults). junmyeon wonders what sexy times with baekhyun will be like when they’re, like, actually together, where they can touch and taste and kiss, without the miles of distance between them. 

and, well, he guesses he doesn’t have to wonder about it for much longer, now. 

❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀

they take minseok’s car to the airport. minseok is driving, and junmyeon is trying not to fall apart in the passenger’s seat. baekhyun’s plane is set to land in fifteen minutes, and the los angeles traffic is making him want to jump out the windshield. he honestly hates the 105. 

a hand settles on his knee, he hadn’t even realized that he’d been bouncing it, honestly, and gives minseok a tight smile. 

“it’ll be fine, myeonie,” minseok says, one hand still on the steering wheel and eyes focused on the road. “try to calm down.”

junmyeon takes a few deep breaths, just like emma taught him to. it doesn’t help. his other knee starts bouncing. minseok sighs. their car is just about stationary on the highway, and all junmyeon can see around them are cars and cars and cars . “where is everyone going on a sunday ?”

“church, probably,” minseok snorts. “or home. maybe both.”

junmyeon sulks. this would happen to them, just because they’re late. minseok’s cat had gotten sick the night before, so they spent all night with the vet (a close friend of theirs). junmyeon got home at half past three in the morning and fell asleep at 3:45. he missed his daily call with baekhyun for that stupid cat.

because of that, he had overslept. they were meant to be at the airport at eleven, and it’s currently five minutes to one. thankfully, baekhyun’s flight had been delayed, but still. 

and now, they’re stuck. they’ve got at least four exits until they’ll see anything remotely resembling the airport and junmyeon is upset. and stressed. his leg is still bouncing. minseok’s eye twitches, his hand doing the same where it rests on the steering wheel. junmyeon tries to stop, for minseok’s sanity.

his phone lights up with a text from baekhyun, telling him that he’s landed, and junmyeon swears so loudly that minseok almost hits the car next to them. 

.

.

forty five minutes later, they’re parking in lax’s overpriced parking deck and sprinting to arrivals.

❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀

it must have gone like this: 

baekhyun sees them first. junmyeon (and minseok, baekhyun guesses) are squinting up at the airport’s flight information board (baekhyun vividly remembers telling junmyeon that he landed almost an hour ago, but that’s neither here nor there), and the sunshine coming in from the windows cast a soft glow around junmyeon, like he’s a gift from a god. baekhyun takes a moment to take in junmyeon’s dorky sweater, his cuffed up jeans, his pristine nikes, his pretty, soft black hair, the curve of his cheek that’s visible even from behind. baekhyun can’t believe it's him.

until he turns around. 

their eyes meet, and it’s both dramatic and anticlimactic at the same time. he watches as junmyeon taps minseok, points at him, says something, before breaking into a sprint, running towards him, the biggest, prettiest, most radiant smile baekhyun has ever seen on his face. baekhyun’s own cheeks ache from his own, and he drops his carry-on, opens his arms, welcomes his junmyeon, the love of his life, into them. breathes him in, smells him, squeezes him, kisses him, wipes the tears leaking from both of their eyes away as he just… takes him in. 

“hey baby,” he says, his voice wet and emotional. junmyeon gives him a watery smile, a watery chuckle, kisses him again. and again. and again. “hey myeonie. hey. hey. ”

junmyeon’s small hands are cradling his face, softly, gently, and he brings their faces closer. baekhyun kisses him again, because he can, because he’s here . 

he can’t believe he’s here .

“hi,” junmyeon replies. baekhyun noses at his damp cheeks, because he can. it makes junmyeon giggle, and the sound makes baekhyun’s heart sing. “hi. hi .”

they’re in their own little world, where nothing else exists but the two of them. baekhyun’s heart is rabbiting in his chest, trying desperately, longingly, to burst from his chest, to get to junmyeon. it’s his. baekhyun’s heart is his. he kisses him again, because he fucking can.

someone coughs next to them, and they turn to see minseok smiling at them. baekhyun’s smiles back. “i’m minseok. nice to meet you.” he’s holding out a hand to him. baekhyun shakes it.

“baekhyun. nice to meet you, too.” he’s still got an arm curled around junmyeon. he’s not letting him go, not ever. 

“as precious as this moment is,” minseok looks around the area. “people are starting to stare. should we take this somewhere more… private?”

baekhyun is so close to junmyeon that he feels, rather than sees, him nod. “good idea.”

minseok is a lot stronger than he looks. he grabs baekhyun’s suitcase with the ease of a 300 lb pro-wrestler and leads them back over to the parking deck. junmyeon and baekhyun trail behind him, pressed so close together that it makes walking difficult, but they don’t mind. baekhyun’s got an arm around junmyeon’s shoulders, junmyeon’s own around his waist, and they walk like a weird 4-legged mutant, but they don’t mind. junmyeon smells like apples and hibiscus and baekhyun is drunk on it, pulls him close just to bury his nose in his hair, smelling him. it also makes junmyeon laugh, which is an added bonus. 

he can’t believe he’s here .

they sit together in the backseat of minseok’s car, still clinging to each other, as if letting go would somehow propel baekhyun all the way back to korea. baekhyun can’t keep his hands off of junmyeon, his waist, his hair, his cheeks, him , and it seems like junmyeon’s in the same boat. but he doesn’t mind, just presses kiss after kiss after kiss to junmyeon’s lips, his cheeks, his temples, his forehead. he’s got junmyeon glowing in a matter of seconds. 

their time together officially starts now, as minseok drives away from the airport, towards their two weeks of absolute bliss.

Fin.